So, a major publishing company has fallen. Our E-Mail isn’t working today. Meaning I have even less work than usual. Meaning I finally have time to offer a real update. But I don’t feel like it. Instead, I’m going to tell you what I’ve done today.
• Scheduled an interview for a full-time job here in Adult Editorial, so I can get paid to basically do this. It’s tomorrow. Of course, I immediately wished I had scheduled it for Monday, so I would have more time to pick out an outfit, then wash it. I haven’t done laundry in a while. I bring a few outfits home to Jersey, do them there, and subsist on that each week.
• Planned all the book readings I’m going to for the next month or so. My shrink suggested it. Don’t judge me.
• Added about a hundred more books to my amazon wishlist.
• Counted the number of buttons on my phone (31, not including the receiver).
• Drank two large bottles of Diet Coke. Tried to figure out secret ingredients in Coke. Nearly blew up computer in attempt. Lost interest.
• Finished Crooked Little Vein, which is like love in book form.
• Read a manuscript.
• Sent increasingly panic-stricken text messages to my friend Esse, who is supposed to come over tonight, because the idea of being alone with my roommate fills me with fear. And urine.
• Spent roughly twenty minutes pondering the moral and ethical implications of spitting in my roommate’s shampoo. Decided against it, due to DNA testing.
• Spent roughly forty minutes trying to figure out how I could manage to lose TWO iPods, one of which is not mine, both of which are expected to be given to someone tomorrow.
• Wondered why the hell it’s called a Jitney.
• Pondered the sexuality of one of my coworkers.
• Discovered that in fact I have the only working E-Mail in the entire office, due to a glitch in the system, and because I forgot to turn it off last night. Decided against informing anyone.
Lunch was weird, too. I was with Kay, the Art Department intern, and Jay from upstairs. A random lady walked over to our table and sat near us. Kay was picking at her leftovers. The older lady – by no means homeless – asked if she could finish Kay’s food. And did. Never in my entire life have I seen that happen. It was essentially a What The Fuck moment.
What a thrilling life I do lead. Tomorrow I have a job interview, AND I’m going to the Hamptons to mooch off of my rich aunt’s beach house. Even though I hate the beach. I do, however, love getting away from the evil blonde baby-eater I live with. Or ostrich-fucker. She needs a new nickname. Any ideas?
May your E-Mail work all day, and may Tom Cruise stay away from your couch,
- LV
