GIR! That Movie Is Some Kind Of Government Spying Tool! Quickly! Eat It!

Blog
* Spying tools are delicious. Title is from Invader Zim.

* Rorschachschick makes incredible videos, like this:

BADASS. BAD. ASS. AND TIM ROTH AND EDWARD NORTON. AND THE MUSIC IS SWEET. Sorry, I'm chugging coffee. But really, you need to watch her videos, because they are beautiful.

Daily Buy
* Totally sexy Mary Janes are the gifts that keep on giving:

[Found at Amazon]
And since I'm advertising them, for free, I get them for free, right? RIGHT? That's how the internet works, isn't it?
My wish list is fabulous, because of what I want, but sad, because nobody will BUY them for me.

Holiday!Fail
* Your Christmas tree is going to kill you and destroy everything you love.

[Found at World's Best Ever]
WE HAVE A SANTA LIKE THAT IN MY HOUSE. Or we did. I think the Christmas tree ate it.

Movie!Win
* I love Terry Gilliam. I really do. Can someone let him make his Don Quixote movie? He's tried for so long. They made a documentary about his failure. And Tideland really freaked me out. And even though it won't happen, his plans for Watchmen made me very nervous. And Robert Duvall as Don Quixote would be some deliriously delightful shit.

So can someone let Terry Gilliam make his movie? Please?

Childhood!Fail
* When I was little and went to EPCOT center, it was AMAZING. Some kid threw up on one ride, which as a small child is pretty much the height of comedy, and I got a stuffed Figment dragon from the ride 'Journey Into Imagination.'

Unfortunately, the ride is now gone, because Imagination is frowned upon, and everything is DOOMED. What's worse? I can't find my Figment dragon.
Here are ten rides that are gone from EPCOT.

Also, on the Wonders of Life ride, I distinctly remember hearing another little kid yelling, 'Ew! That's not what you said!' when the sperm appeared onscreen.


Wow
* Some people live in their own little worlds. Sometimes those worlds are scary:

I can not believe you do not remember me. My heart is broken, b****. Can you really say you don’t remember me?. After that marvelous date at that theatre? I still love you though Even though you’re a bit frazzle-minded.

Nothing good can come of this.


Daily Hot Guy

[Eric Northman from True Blood. When the HELL does that show come back on? I miss Hoyt saying 'Vampire Bill,' and the sex and drinking and mayhem that makes me want to go live in the South.]

Animals
* Do you know what a Tapir is?

A tapir (pronounced /ˈteɪpər/ "taper", or /təˈpɪər/ "ta-pier") is a large browsing mammal, roughly pig-like in shape, with a short, prehensile snout. Tapirs inhabit jungle and forest regions of South America, Central America, and Southeast Asia. There are four species of Tapirs, being the Brazilian tapir, the Malayan tapir, Baird's tapir and the mountain tapir. All four species of tapir are classified as endangered or vulnerable. Their closest relatives are the other odd-toed ungulates, including horses and rhinoceroses.

[Found at Wikipedia]
What it fails to mention is that they are the CUTEST THINGS EVAR:

[Found at Neatorama]
I need a baby tapir. It can be friends with my imaginary baby goat. DON'T JUDGE ME.

Apocalypse How?
* THE PLANES ARE GOING TO FALL OUT OF THE SKY. HIDE ME. I'MMA TAKE A FREAKING BOAT TO ENGLAND. NOTHING BAD HAPPENS ON BOATS. LET ME PRETEND THAT.

Crafts
* Guys, THIS EXISTS:

[Found at Neatorama]
There are people doing this, right now, as you read these words. Do you comprehend what that means? I don't think you do, at all.

Random
* I want Moss singing this song to be my ring tone. Can someone make this happen?

Tattoo Of Win
* I just.... I need someone to explain this to me. Please?

[Found at LOLTATZ]
Why is the lemur tripping on acid?

Food!Win
* These look like churros:

[Found at This Is Why You're Fat]
In fact these are Deviled Corndogs, which are corndog hotdogs pureed with cheese, mayonnaise and tater tots, then re-baked inside a corndog shell.
I had no idea such things could exist.

OK. Off.

- LV

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Bruce Campbell Is The Reason Why Waldo Is Hiding.

Blog
* And when the new movie comes out, it will end in a grisly bloodbath.

People I Love
* My dear internet friend (that sounds weirder than it is) laroux74 sent me this, because she has magical powers and is benevolent and knows things the rest of us can't possibly comprehend:

see more Lol Celebs
Also, SYLAR KITTY.

Remake!Fail
* An American Werewolf in London was a great, fun, scary movie that more people should watch and appreciate. An American Werewolf in Paris was a terrible, confusing movie that was neither funny nor scary, and had slimy werewolves. So forgive me if taking ANOTHER stab at remaking an underrated horror movie does not fill me with unmitigated glee. And it's the company made those Halloween remakes, and you KNOW how I feel about them (hint: it begins with an 'h' and ends with an 'omicidal.'

Star Trek
* I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. But if I had to see this, you have to see it too. I can't be alone in this knowledge, people. This is on par with the horror of Watchwomen. Yes, it's like that. Gird your loins:

Oh, Spock, WHY?!

TeeVee
* I love Torchwood, and I have so many questions about this image from the "Children of Earth" miniseries:

[Found at i09]
- Why is Gwen wearing such an ill-fitting leather jacket?
- Why is nobody looking at anybody else? Did someone fart, and they're all desperately trying not to laugh? Was there an uncomfortable sexual moment seconds before this photo was snapped?
- Why is Ianto's gun so much bigger than anyone else's?
- Why does Ianto look so damn sad? Really, that is a surly little fellow. And if I had gotten the sexings from Captain Jack Harkness, I would never do anything but grin. Does Ianto need a hug?
- Why does Captain Jack continue to prove my theory that guys named Captain Jack are invariably sexy rogues?
It's too early for such questions.

Random
* Is CNN's slogan really, 'Let's go?' ARE YOU SERIOUS? That's the BEST your marketing gurus could come up with? Really? I miss MSNBC. At least then I could count on Pat Buchanan to scream at someone until they gave him a mug of cocoa and a nap.

Journalism
* I use the term 'journalism' loosely when it comes to Bill O'Reilly, but this blog needs to salute Joan Walsh, who made O'Reilly go crazy and lose his shit while she casually pwned him with her rational thought and common sense. Watch the video and laugh at the sad little man. Remember when he sexually harassed that woman? That has nothing to do with anything, but I like to remind people that O'Reilly has NO moral compass. Or if he does, it always points to BATSHIT.

Wow - New Category!
* This category will cover things that amaze/astonish, and in a good way:

[Found at Gawker]
That is the new Sear's Tower observation deck, and I can't decide if I want to live there forever or stay the hell away, because I do have a rational fear of plummeting to my hideous death. But Gawker mentioned Chris Van Allsburg, and that always makes me happy (and if you don't know who he is, I hate you, and you'd better goddamn click here to find out), and I feel like if I went there inspiration for a great book would come right before abject, pants-wetting fear.

Geek Want
* Let me make myself very, very clear here:

[Found at BoingBoing]
If you can make one of these functional, and can find an old copy of Street Fighter, I will marry you. Note: LV reserves the right to not marry you if she doesn't feel like it.

Politics
* Right wing nutjobs (not to be confused with Republicans or conservatives - I am talking about the people who believe Jesus rode the dinosaurs to Freedom before sending them all to hell, and will try to convince you of this with his AK-47) are going to kill us all with their violence and nuttiness. I'd like to say that I'm against killing in general. Except of zombies, because they're already dead. It's one thing to disagree with someone else, or hate the way they live their life. That's FINE. That's your right. However, when you decide to start SHOOTING people who disagree with you, then maybe you need to reexamine your debating skills.

Movie!Fail - Newish Category
* I'm dividing up movies, because I like talking about them. Anyway, once again we will be denied the genius of Terry Gilliam, because we don't deserve it, but mostly because studio executives are assholes who would rather spend money on Saw XIX than a potentially brilliant science fiction film. We get what we deserve. BUT I DESERVE THIS MOVIE, DAMMIT. So let's all send Terry Gilliam money, because he's Terry Gilliam and he made Brazil and Twelve Monkeys and I love him, and I even liked The Brothers Grimm, in large part because it was Terry Gilliam with Matt Damon and Heath Ledger, and it was the first Gilliam movie I ever saw in theaters, and god dammit, the man should get Michael Bay's budget from now on, because Terry Gilliam may frighten and disturb me, but such is the cost of genius.

Harry Potter
* Who wants Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince merchandise? If your answer was not I DO I DO and screaming and tearing of the hair, then don't click this link. And why is an audio book of Alan Rickman coldly mocking everything I say NOT one of the prizes? Probably because it only exists in my mind, but wouldn't you pay for that? I would. It's all about Snape. Don't kid yourself. I wouldn't give a shit about this series (probably) were it not for that complex and incredibly sad character. TEAM SNAPE. I want all this stuff.

WTF, INTERNET?
* Did I ever tell you guys the story about how I got kicked out of CCD (the after-school program where you learn about stuff so you can get communion and confirmation within the Catholic Church) because I refused to give up my Ouija board when I was a young lass? Because I knew it was nothing more than a funny, stupid game, and I found it insane that anyone would take it seriously? Well, if it had looked like this, I don't think I would have had a problem:

[Found at Jezebel]
If I die (ever) and become a ghost, and some little bitch tries to get in touch with my with that Pepto-Bismol colored, sexist piece of crap to ask me if the love of her life this week is going to text her, I will haunt the SHIT out of her. Only dark spirits can come from such a thing. And, seriously, WTF? Why does it have to be pink? Do mine girly eyes on see the more delicate shades? The ones I used in middle school were white, and I saw them JUST FINE. You buy this for a little girl, you're going to wake up with hunks of it jammed down your throat. By the girl, or the evil spirits. It's a toss-up.

Daily Hot Guy

[Christopher Eccleston with the TARDIS, and he's STILL my favorite Doctor, OK?! He was taken from us far too soon, and his eyes are AMAZING and he's sad and sexy, and why can't he appear on a special, DAMMIT?]

Movie!Win - Newish Category
* Look, I like categories. And FOCUS: There might be a Goonies 2, maybe, although I'm still more interested in Lost Boys 3, and YES I love Corey Feldman, always have, and no that does not negatively affect my life, you're all just jealous. Of something. What? I'm sorry, someone switched out my coffee to something with extra espresso. The air is loud in here. GOONIES 2.

Animals
* Can birds fart? Yes. Yes they can. Dinosaurs could burp and fart too. I learned that from Nickelodeon Magazine, before the recession killed it.

More later, most likely. I know I write that almost every morning, but I'm on a surprise vacation. Be grateful. By the way, this blog must soon celebrate the birth of the late Hunter Stockton Thompson. How should we do that? My friend suggested a third tattoo, but those are expensive and I STILL can't decide on a nice image, but we have to honor him SOME WAY. He's A GOD, PEOPLE. Or I could get drunk and shoot of fireworks. In a bikini. He'd appreciate that, yeah?
- LV

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What Can The Harvest Hope For If Not For The Care Of The Reaper Man?

Blog
* Title comes from Reaper Man by Terry Pratchett. You should read every Discworld book. You might know what the hell is going on.

Comics
* This is a perfectly valid reason to hate California. They have the San Diego ComicCon. Wouldn't it be better to have the New Jersey ComicCon? And make it the BEST Con EVER? Have you explored the possibilities of New Jersey? We have lovely beaches! And I'm here! GOD DAMMIT BRING DOLLHOUSE TO NEW JERSEY. I DESERVE ALPHA. And Psych. And V. God, I'm depressed now. Will someone pay to ship me to the Con? I will reward you with... um... I can make bacon?

Words Of Win

[Found at Indexed]

YouTube Wonders
* I KNOW we've all seen this countless times, but it pisses PETA off to no end, and they cry bitter vegan tears, which I enjoy, and anyway, WHO KNEW OUR PRESIDENT WAS A NINJA?!

Admit it. This is badass. Our last President couldn't chew a snack without potential DEATH.

Books
* So, Alice Hoffman, author of Practical Magic, Here On Earth, and other books I have not read but have seen the shitty movie versions of, kind of went insane on Twitter. Apparently someone gave her new book a mediocre review, and she responded by posting the woman's phone number and declaring Unholy Twitter War upon her lowly brow. The review wasn't even that bad. Did she READ any of the Transformer 2 reviews? I had professors in college who could reduce a student to tears by casually ripping through a paper they'd devoted months of their lives to. Even as a semi-professional writer myself, I deal with a lot of criticism (including the occasional person suggesting I drop dead, which is fine and all, but a little intimidating). You get used to it. And after writing a bunch of books, including several that have been made into shitty movies (I have not read the books. They may be wonderful. I am just saying the MOVIES sucked. THEY ARE DIFFERENT. Please don't yell at me on the interwebs. I'm fragile) I'd expect you to have a thicker skin. But what do I know? I'm working on my second book, it's not done, may never be done, and I may never know the heady experience of having a professional critic rip my work to shreds.

People I Love
* Because I couldn't find any other category, and this made me grin a lot, here are Simpsonized versions of AWESOME:
Yatta!

[Found at i09]

[Found at i09]
Remember that episode where Leonard Nimoy came to open up the monorail, and Mayor Quimby was all, 'May the force be with you!' and when Mr. Nimoy asked if Quimby knew who he was, Quimby replied, 'Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?' I love The Simpsons.
There are more here, including the cast of Lost and Battlestar Galactica.

Remake!Fail
* This is for my friend Arre, who will go on an insane killing spree when this movie comes out, AS SHE SHOULD. Mr. Spielberg, Mr. Smith: Maybe between the lawsuits and the fan outcry and the RAIN OF FROGS ON FIRE, you should reconsider remaking Oldboy, particularly with Will Smith, who is many things, but does not seem qualified to play ANY VERSION of the character from the original. Also, my friend Arre really doesn't want you to make this movie, and she's pretty kick-ass, so maybe you should consider THAT, sir. Also, stop making movies about World War II. It was a big deal. I GET IT. WE ALL GET IT. STOP MAKING ME DISLIKE YOU, MR. SPIELBERG. I DO NOT WANT TO. So, don't remake Oldboy, ESPECIALLY with Will Smith, and stop making movies about World War II. Good? Good.

Star Trek
* Zachary Quinto posted info on his blog about all the monies Star Trek made, so you should all get a big 'Thank You' for seeing it (and if you're like me and saw it twice, Zachary Quinto comes to your house and hugs you, in my mind). As long as Transformers 2 doesn't beat its numbers, I will be happy. I really hated that movie.

TeeVee
* Burn Notice is the bestest show, and NOT just because Bruce Campbell sees fit to grace the screen with his wisdom and sass and chin. WHY ARE YOU NOT WATCHING IT? And if you ARE watching it, watch it more. Or promote the shit out of the show. It's not in danger of being cancelled, because the Wrath of Bruce would be mighty, but when a show is this wonderful, you need to promote the shit out of it. Also the DVDs are coming out, so buy them for yourselves and your loved ones and random people on the street. In this way Burn Notice will bring about World Peace.

Daily Hot Guy

[Alan Tudyk, who is Alpha or Wash, or even That Dude From 3:10 To Yuma, and I was so excited he was in the movie, but really I miss Wash. And I want more Alpha. Alpha needs to be around always. And if Dollhouse was real and I was filthy rich and immoral, you BET I would order Alpha all the damn time. And be killed for it, but SEXILY]

Journalism
* So Shepard Smith is the only guy on FOX News who is willing to listen to the other side, and sometimes will disagree with the Cult of Limbaugh. He's still a conservative, but he's not INSANE or EVIL, and therefore he must be fired and stoned in public, and then eaten by Rush Limbaugh. Personally, I like the fact that Smith had the cojones to say that this is America, and we don't torture, because it's wrong. DON'T EAT ME LIMBAUGH.

Celebrity!Fail
* WHY do celebrities keep making clothes? And random celebrities. These are Spike Lee Nikes:

[Found at LikeCool]
I think they are very ugly. And Spike Lee needs to make a good movie (Inside Man kicked ass, but WHEN was that?) before he starts in on shoes.

Random
* I think Bernie Madoff should be eaten by Rush Limbaugh. Feed the beast! And let Shepard Smith live!

Geek Want
* If I ever have a job that demands business cards, I will give spirograph business cards to everyone I meet:

[Found at BoingBoing]
I miss Spirographs. Remember those awesome commercials they used to have?

SPARKLE SPARKLE SPIROGRAPH.

Here is a picture of me in my spiffy new hat:


Happy Monday.
- LVrr

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Bullets Dodge Alan Moore.

I am so. Freaking. Tired. To explain: The magazine I work for is going out, and I am in charge of the mailing list, which is something like 200,000 people. I have to go through all of them, and edit them, and add the new ones. This takes a very long time. I worked 11 1/2 hours yesterday, and 8 1/2 today, STRAIGHT, WITH NO BREAKS BESIDES EMERGENCY BATHROOM RUNS. And I am still not done. I had to bring files home yesterday, and again tonight. And I have to go in again tomorrow to finish.

I'm not complaining. Really, I love my job, and I'm so grateful to have one, and my bosses are fantastic and nice, and it's usually AWESOME. But copying and pasting hundreds of thousands of lines of addresses is KILLING MY WILL TO LIVE. I like zombies, but this is ridiculous. Anyway, just wanted to explain the lack of post this morning, and why the following will be short and crappy and incoherent. Consider yourself warned.

Random
* Cracked shows us shit that looks PhotoShopped, but totally isn't:

[Found at Cracked]
DID I JUST BLOW YOUR FUCKING MIND?

Sex
* Not only does this encourage condom use, it succeeds as a birth control in that anyone who looks at never wants to have sex again, for fear of tiny evil dictators swimming around their insides:

[Found at AdFreak]

WTF, INTERNET?
* Because, apparently, this blog is devoted to strange ties, here's one that has a USB AND allows you to spy on people, like the sick freak you are:

[Found at CrunchGear]
Also, it's just a really ugly goddamn tie.

You know what? Screw it. I am too tired to give the funny the attention it deserves. I fail. Null points for LV.
I'll post again later, maybe, or tomorrow definitely. Right now I HATE COMPUTERS.
- LV

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Alan Moore & His Many Supernatural Adventures Were The Basis For The Comic Book 'Hellboy.'

Politics
* Sarah Palin continues to be an idiot, but a funny one, and therefore I will continue to post stories about her. This one is really good, because you see it implies that either A) Sarah Palin really doesn't understand this whole 'technology' thing, or the idea that just maybe someone would remember what she said a short while ago, or B) she really is so nuts that she BELIEVES she never said that, and thinks it's a conspiracy by Obama or Geithner to make her look foolish. See? The internet can be used for good.

* This is all the win, ever, and quite possibly the best use of sugary Peeps since me and my friend Esse put one in the microwave and it SWELLED and became a nuclear Peep, which we had to put out of its misery using our vigilante skills, which we aren't really permitted to talk about.

[Found at ONTD_Political]
Yes, those are Guantanamo Bay Peeps. There is also a Captain Sully Peep, and an Aretha Franklin Peep in her Magic Presidential Hat, among others, if you click on the link. These are all kinds of wrong, and I can't imagine making them, but I still sort of want to bite the heads off some of the brightly colored bunnies, because I am bizarre and like sugar a lot.

* This just made me laugh for about an hour straight. Jonah Goldberg makes the heinous mistake of NOT shitting all over Obama like an infant, and he is punished. By Limbaugh, who beats him to death with a giant cigar (how many of you just had a Freudian slip, hmm?) Oh, Mr. Goldberg. You are so naive. Do not try to go against Limbaugh. You will not win. This man is drunk on the blood of liberal virgins, and has supped with victory, and you will be another notch on his belt before you can utter a single word.

* Huzzah for Chuck Todd! He always looks so sad, wandering around the White House like a lost, forlorn kitten that wants only to be pet. No more, my friends - he now has his own show, and it will be everything he ever dared to dream of (mostly him making thinly veiled attacks against Meet The Press and David Gregory, which is like his Watergate. But maybe they can find someone else to be White House Correspondent, who isn't terribly sad all the time about his job. Just a thought.

Want
* There needs to be a category for weird shit I WANT. And here it is! Anyway, who remembers Space Invaders? You all should, because it was the best game of my childhood, and I loved it, and NOW the Japanese, in their infinite wisdom, have made a PLAYABLE SPACE INVADERS PIGGY BANK:

[Found at CrunchGear]
I want this. And I want it to be in America, where I could buy it with my pretend money. Why is it in Japan, and why is Japan so far away from New Jersey? Stop stealing bits of my childhood, damn it!

Random
* This is why no one should follow Jhonen Vasquez on Twitter. Because he posts links to things like this, and freaks me out for days on end. THINGS LIKE THIS ARE HARD TO HANDLE.

Movies
* Holy shit, Terminator: Salvation is going to look amazing. It may be the worst movie since Catwoman, which actually causes your eyeballs to BLEED, but at least it will be pretty. Silver lining, yes? Click on the link to see the amazing dystopia, which is what the real world will look like very soon, only I doubt Christian Bale will be in charge of the New World Order, because real life isn't usually that awesome.

Books
* My Booky Wook by genius sex god Russell Brand, was a fantastic read. It was funny and sad and twisted and lovely, and I want him to write a sequel, and also come here and save me from New Jersey, and some other things I can't write about, because of libel and also I would seem creepy. Let's just say I love him an awful lot, and that his book was more than the standard memoir, and I'd especially recommend it to anyone with addictive behavior, or the only child of an over-involved parent. Go read it. Totally worth it. Plus the pictures are adorable.

* Stephenie Meyer continues to haunt me at every turn with her Suck. I've said it before, but one of the main reasons I hate this franchise is because I can't get AWAY from it. You don't see me chasing people around with copies of Watchmen screaming, "LOVE NITE OWL OR I'LL SET YOUR HOUSE ON FIRE!" "WORSHIP DR. MANHATTAN LIKE THE BASTION OF PERFECTION THAT HE IS."
No, because I don't give a shit if anyone else likes my fandom. So I'll leave you alone, and you leave me alone, and my awesome fandom will ignore your fandom made entirely out of The Suck. Deal? Deal.

WTF, INTERNET?
* This chair looks incredibly uncomfortable:

[Found at LikeCool]
First of all, I don't want to sit on it. Ever. You can sit on it. Because I can't even begin to figure out HOW I'm supposed to sit on it, and with my grace I'd slide off the damn thing and injure myself. And it looks like a torture device from the new Star Trek. Like, you sit in this chair and it electrocutes you while Khan laughs maniacally and Spock gets all stoic. Plus it reminds me of a dentist's office from hell, and I'm not sitting on it.

* I know these are concept phones, and I do kind of want them to be real, but I also am a little scared by how smart our technology is getting. Is nobody watching the Terminator series? Is no one prepared? Look, I am ready for the zombie uprising, so can someone else PLEASE be covering the robot overloads overthrowing our way of life? I cannot multitask like that, people.

[Found at LikeCool]

* I totally made a joke about this at some point. I can't remember when or where, or if it was on the internet, BUT I DID. WHEN WILL THIS END? Although my idea just had holes for your arms and legs, so clearly I am a failure of the first degree:

[Found at CrunchGear]
You know what the next step is, don't you? A fucking wearable TENT. Yes, tiny tents you WEAR, because soon none of us will have homes so we can live in our wardrobes, and just curl up wherever we drop from exhaustion and despair. Comes with a holder for your Starbucks coffee, even though of course Starbucks will soon be a legend we tell our grandchildren, who will marvel at our wastefulness. 'Four DOLLARS for a cup of coffee? Really?' And we will bow our heads in shame, although not too low, because our entire extended families will be living in our jacket-tents, and lowering your head too far will kill everyone inside the tent. I think my joke ran away from me.

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When Alan Moore Goes Out To Eat, He Orders A Whole Chicken. But He Only Eats Its Soul.

Two blog posts in one day! Why, whatever could be the occasion? Answer: I don't know, lots of interesting stuff going on in the world, and it beats studying for the LSATs, cataloguing books I have to sell, for monies, (which is also very sad, as I love my books dearly, but apparently love freedom from living at home and not owning a car more) or researching cars that will fit in my budget yet not kill me or others (there are few).

Movies
* I am not remotely excited about Halloween 2. Because I remember Halloween, the original, and how terrifying and wonderful it was, and then I remember the hideous remake starring Rob Zombie's Wife's Butt, and then I black out from rage. And while Michael Myers does indeed look scary as hell in this picture, I still have my doubts. A lot of them. Huge, squirming doubts of doom. Also, I am saddened by how many people really liked the first remake, because either A) everyone got something that I totally missed, or B) everyone is an idiot but me. And both these options make me feel lonely.
Edit: Hm. The image is gone. Well, here's a link to the Offical Website of Michael Myers, which is HILARIOUS solely because it ACTUALLY uses the tagline, "He was dead... but he got better." I challenge ANYONE who saw Monty Python & The Holy Grail to read that line and NOT hear John Cleese saying it. Try.

* Michael Sheen, we need to talk. You are a good actor. You are an Actor. You have been in so many amazing movies, and should have gotten far more attention for your role in Frost/Nixon, and also you are quite sexy when you aren't playing David Frost. So why are you doing this to me? Is it for the money? Is it because you really, really liked doing the Underworld movie, and you think this is the same sort of thing, only suckier and with less leather? Well, you're right about that. I don't doubt your career will survive this awful venture - Twilight cannot hurt you, because you are talented and British and don't seem to give a shit - but all the same, I am gravely disappointed. And I'm still not seeing the movie, so THERE.

* Are Russell Crowe and Ridley Scott in love? Because they've made four movies together already, none of which I've particularly liked (and I fucking loathed Gladiator. It was stupid.), and Russell Crowe is skeevy in the not-hot way, and I want Ridley Scott to go back to making AWESOME movies like Alien and Blade Runner. And everyone knows that if Alan Rickman isn't playing the Sheriff of Nottingham and being a perverted, sexy bastard, there's no point in making another Robin Hood movie, anyway.

* I love Matt Damon, Jason Bourne (when played by Matt Damon - I hated the books), Paul Greengrass (who got SHAFTED for United 93, which I had to watch multiple times for my senior thesis, and is probably responsible for most of my emotional problems, but was still a beautiful and important film), and I love bad-ass super-smart spies, so I am happy about number four in the Bourne series.

* How badass is this poster?

AND there's more pictures, and a trailer, FINALLY, and I will hear NO negativity about the latest Tarantino opus, because he is wonderful and lovely and his giant chin holds the secrets of the universe. (OK, there can be negativity concerning Mike Myers, who I think has maybe lost his mind a little bit, and needs a nap).

Comics
* This made me laugh, and also made me wish someone would take on the heady task of putting Arkham Asylum in a movie. I'm looking at you, Chris Nolan. But it wouldn't be the same without Heath Ledger as the Joker. That would have been SICK.

* The Walking Dead is my new favoritest comic series (besides all the others that are my favoritest comic series, and not including comics that are my favorites, period), and so you need to be super-excited about the next installment, in which the goodness continues and, dare I say it, gets even BETTER.

* Comics We All Need To Buy This Week, Except Those Of Us Who Are Broke, But Will Accept Donations In The Name Of Comics.

* You need to support the CBLDF (the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund), because they help protect the First Amendment rights of comic writers, artists, readers, and sellers, which are often undermined in disgusting ways. Also because Mark Millar, Neil Gaiman, Brian Bendis, Peter David, Jeff Smith, Lee Bermejo, J. Scott Campbell, David Finch, Geoff Johns, Matt Wagner, Brad Meltzer, JG Jones, and Dave Gibbons (among others) say so, and they will CUT YOU if you cross them.

Politics
* Bobby Jindal is on my list of Politicians I Love Because They Are Not Of This World. And now I can welcome him to the list of Politicians Who Are 'Writing' Books, And By 'Writing,' I Mean Signing A Hefty Paycheck. I will admit that I sort of grudgingly respect that he's not even pretending that he's going to write this thing. He'll be too busy yelling at a volcano or something.

* Or... he could be busy running for Senate. That's a good/frightening reason not to write the book with your name on it. If he does run, I kind of hope he does that weird impression he did on national teevee after the President addressed the nation. You know, the one where Jindal, like, made babies cry by being so stupid?

I was going to link to Jindal's actual speech, but it's really depressing, and David Brooks' response to Jindal is much more entertaining.

Random
* I couldn't decide whether to put this under 'Comics' or 'Movies,' because Hellboy is both (and I love both), so it gets its very own category. Also, because these are so cool that I want to download them and make them, then hide them in shame because twenty-three year old women should not be doing such things, or at least not doing such things and the refusing to share them with their younger brothers, because HE'LL RUIN THEM! But come on, they're PAPER GUNS. The Greatest Paper Guns, Ever. Click here for more pictures and INSTRUCTIONS. No, I haven't made them yet. I probably won't. Probably.

[Found at LikeCool]

* Oh, no. The Sims 2 stole countless hours of my life away from me, and when the first disc broke I bought ANOTHER, and played THAT until it broke. So The Sims 3 is, for me, like the apocalypse. This is my Armageddon. Luckily, I don't think it comes out for Mac for a while. My brain is safe! ...For now.

Zombies
* It's about goddamn time a celebrity became aware of the zombie menace, and started alerting the general public.

* Foodstuffs will be in short supply during the onslaught of the undead, and I'm sure Woody Harrelson would approve of growing hundreds of potatoes in your backyard, for consumption and to make booze. Or you could sell them, if the zombie apocalypse doesn't happen for a while.

Music
* It's free and LEGAL.

Watchmen
* Rorschach is the best. I knew it. Fuck everyone, I win!

* Speaking of winning, this is SUPER WINNING. WATCHMEN WILL RETURN TO THEATERS IN A GLORIOUS BLAZE OF EVEN MORE SUPERHERO MAYHEM! AND MORE RORSCHACH. AND MORE.... sad death scenes I was secretly glad weren't in the movie because they are awful enough in the comic. OK. STILL. I WILL SEE IT AGAIN AND AGAIN. You thought this obsession was over?! FOOLS. And now I'm better.

WTF, INTERNET?]
* Now, if you are lying about something, would you EVER agree to wear a wristband that determines the truthiness of your statements? More importantly, does the wristband know the difference between things that you believe to be true, and things that are actually true? Like, if you really, genuinely believe that dinosaurs still live in Florida, or that your neighbor is putting acid in your water, or that your dog tells you to vote Republican, what will the wristband say? These are serious, disturbing questions that I'm not going to answer, because I am cruel.

[Found at LikeCool]
Although, now that I think about it, that could be fun. Giving it to someone who likes Twilight, have them smugly say, 'It's a good book,' and watch their little hearts shatter as the wristband PROVES THEM WRONG. Of course, if it DIDN'T, then I'd be the one all shattered, so maybe not.

Hm. I should post more often, shouldn't I? Or should I not? I don't know. OK, stuff to be done.
- LV

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When Alan Moore Plays Monopoly, It Affects The Actual World Economy.

Life
* Saying the word 'pirate' repeatedly and giggling does not make you a comedian. I'm just saying.
* I'm writing fiction again, for the first time since November or December of last year. I'd forgotten how great it felt.

Toys!
* Look at the teeny little Iron Man! And his little paunchy belly that no doubt makes flying a bit difficult, and must have been embarrassing to design! And his head! It's huge! He's like the Elephant Man under there:

[Found at LikeCool]
I wish this was a bobble head. That would be SWEET. Of course, if you had a smaller car, it would flip over and kill every one whenever its head bobbled.

TeeVee
* I am an awful person, because for some reason I never watched Dollhouse because I kept forgetting when it was on, and now it might be cancelled, and it may be partly Joss Whedon's fault, and also River would fuck Buffy up. The world is a complicated place.

Technology
* This gives me faith in humanity, that nobody stepped on the little robot. Also the robot is painfully cute. I would have stolen the robot and given it a good home, thus ruining everyone's sense of goodwill and kindness.

* I've said it before, and I'll say it again: iTunes sucks. And this is their punishment for trying to make me buy the WHOLE Bob Dylan album when I just wanted "Desolation Row" because I already OWNED every other song on the album, but I GOT the song in the end, because my friend had it on a CD, so WIN.

Food
* This is a bad idea. Very bad. I could see this becoming a serious addiction because chocolate is fun, and huffing things is fun for angry teenagers with a lot of glue. Do not give this to angry teenagers who have just run out of glue. Not that part of me wants to test this product, for America, because inhaling chocolate is an amazing concept.

* If I am about to die, start stuffing these in my mouth:

[Found at ThisIsWhyYou'reFat]
That, my friends, is a Deep Fried Cadbury Creme Egg. Oh, I'll still die, but I will die HAPPY and with chocolate-covered joy in my veins. This may in fact be proof that there IS a god, and he wants us all to be obscenely fat and happy. I for one embrace our new chocolate-souled overlord, so long as he continues to provide DEEP FRIED CHOCOLATEGASMS.

Random
* I was going to put this under WTF, INTERNET, only I really sort of want one because they're funny and would make airline travel endlessly entertaining.

[Found at OhGizmo]
Also you could pretend to be a Klingon/Kirk love-child. Also, Combmando Combs makes me laugh over and over. Although it's acrylic, so it probably wouldn't be good in an actual fight situation. Do not rely on these things when the zombies hit (more on that below!)

Politics
* Frankly, I hope this gay elephant is like the high queen of all gay elephants. Because a lot of people are being very stupid, and the elephant isn't even sexually mature yet, so maybe he's just SHY. And even if he IS gay, that doesn't mean he can't spawn adorable little elephants. There are OTHER WAYS TO IMPREGNANTE ELEPHANTS, PEOPLE. Not that I know any. Because that would be weird. Impregnating elephants is not a topic I am versed in.

* OK, OK, Barack Obama's new dog is like, unbelievably fucking adorable. DID YOU SEE THE PICTURE OF THE PRESIDENT JOGGING WITH THE NEW PUPPY?! LOOK AT THE CUT FUZZY BABY DOG!

[Found at Wonkette]
I'm calm, I am a Journalist, damn it. But really, how much more 'DAWWW' does it make it that Ted Kennedy gave him the puppy, and that the puppy's name is Bo, and I would like to volunteer as the pooper-scooper for the new puppy, because it is THAT cute and also I could chill with Obama and Kal Penn, and make Nite Owl jokes at Geithner that Obama would probably get, which makes him even COOLER, and whoa, THAT my friends was a tangent.

Watchmen
* Chock Full O' Nuts can go fuck themselves. They have no sense of humor, and this is like the one Watchmen product I haven't purchased (maybe that's the problem), and seriously this is so stupid. Also, Adrian Viedt will come to your house at night and skullfuck you to death and throw you out a high window, before using your spilled blood to brew more delicious Nite Owl coffee!

* The PG version of Watchmen totally frightens me more than the regular version.

Comics
* Poor Doctor Phosphorous.

* A great article on the cost of comics, and why they make me so sad. Although I usually buy trade paperbacks, because they make me happy for inexplicable reasons. But not The Boys which is so fucking amazing and violent and funny that I buy the regular old comics and REVEL in their glory, AND I met Darick Robertson and Garth Ennis, so SUCK ON IT. That has nothing to do with the price of comics, but I like bragging about it.

* I like Slave Labor Graphics, because they publish Jhonen Vasquez, who wrote Johnny The Homicidal Maniac which I loved as an angsty teen, and secretly still love, but shhhh. I also love him because when Nickelodeon cancelled Invader Zim they told him to draw a concluding comic, and he drew this insane bullshit involving flying space pigs just to SCREW with them. Ahem. And this comic looks interesting. The end.

WTF, INTERNET?
* You too can be a freaky, frightening robot for the small fee of $4,200! What a wise and prudent way to spend your money in these times! Look, you will not be sexy and awesome like Iron Man. I'm sorry. The suit was indeed sexy as hell, but it was made sexy because the audience knew it was Robert Downey, Jr. under there, and he would come out of the suit with his bad-ass beard and his big eyes and his Tony Stark money and those ARMS. When you take off this suit, you will still be you. And while you may be awesome in your own way, I don't think your awesome equals RDJ's awesome. Few people can.

[Found at Geekologie]
And while it says it's for people with degenerative muscle diseases and such, I can't help but feel that the main purchasers will be desperate, lonely geeks who want to be Tony Stark, and think this is the first step in nailing hot journalists and such. Dude, it doesn't even have a MASK.

* Sometimes, I don't WANT to be funny. This is one of those times. Dude. DUDE.

That is a DOG, people. A POODLE, no less. And there are MORE PICTURES. A LOT. Including a Peacock, a Camel, A Dragon, and a Rooster. I can't.... WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE? And that dog is not happy. NO LIVING THING WILL BE HAPPY DRESSED AS A GODDAMN ROOSTER. WHAT DOES THIS SAY ABOUT YOUR MIND AND YOUR LIFE?!

I have SO MUCH MORE TO TELL YOU ALL, but I will save it, so that you can digest these nuggets of wisdom and fear (that sounds disgusting, and I shall not be joining you in your nugget-digesting adventures), and also I want to get more hits, so maybe I'll post later today, with MORE, or not, because I am cruel.
- LV
PS Title of post comes from this site, only changed because Alan Moore INVENTED Chuck Norris, but it's a secret, so tell no one.

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Alan Moore Doesn't Play God. Playing Is For Children.

Life
* I am very happy, because I got to see one of my bestest friends after months of her being away, seeing the world and generally being awesome, but not nearby enough for me to bother her and be entertained. And now she too is stuck in the boring land of Jersey, so hooray! Well, for me, at least.

* I am so proud of my alma mater. No, not really. Just wearily amused. I probably know some of these people.

Random
* I love evil tips for undermining the soft, downy fabric of society.

Movies
* A Green Lantern Trilogy could be awesome, if they get rid of the suckish bits and make sure they get a good cast and writers who actually have read the comics, instead of former writers for Desperate Housewives or some other crap. And Terrence Howard's departure from the Iron Man franchise is still puzzling and depressing, because he was great as Rhodes, and although I adore Don Cheadle and still think he should have won an Oscar for Hotel Rwanda, he just doesn't seem like Rhodes to me. Or Black Lightning would be cool, too. DC really needs to expand the realm of superheroes, because I've never liked Superman (don't hurt me), and there are so many minor heroes that are so much more interesting. Also, Terrence Howard as a superhero is about seven different kinds of cool.

* I am really, really excited about The Brothers Bloom. The trailer looks amazing, the cast is great, and quirky caper films are terribly under appreciated in the world of cinema (I am still loving Matchstick Men and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, which is one of the funniest crime movies ever, and if you haven't seen it your life is a sham. And OK, it's not really a caper movie at all, but I will refer to it whenever I can even loosely tie it to another topic, because it was THAT GOOD and made like no money, and that is CRIMINAL. Val Kilmer should have gotten an Oscar nomination for Gay Perry. Yeah, I said it.) Plus Adrien Brody hasn't done anything in a while, and he is always fun to watch (except in The Pianist which while brilliant, was not what I would consider fun, unless you get your jollies by weeping uncontrollably for hours on end).

* Public Enemies is going to be amazing, because of Johnny Depp and Christian Bale and Michael Mann, and I will not hear ANY NAYSAYING about it. It's Easter weekend. Have some charity. And watch the trailer over and over and...

* Sam Rockwell + Duncan Jones + The Weirdest Promo Pictures = A New Discovery Of Awesome. And the trailer is sick. Good sick. And bizarre and fabulous. I am so into this movie, there are no words. And Sam Rockwell owes me, after the trauma of Choke, which was bad forever.

Food
* This will make you throw up. Like, a lot. And then never want to reproduce, ever. This could be used as birth control that even uber-religious people would approve of. 'If you have sex, you will get pregnant and have a baby, and then you will EAT parts of the stuff that came out of you in a panini with a side of french fries.' The population will decrease, TRUST ME. And be slender, too.

Fashion
* Gywneth Paltrow sucks. And her clothes suck. And she's so full of shit she must stink when she walks down the street. And she loves herself more than any other person ever could. Her website is very funny, but I kind of doubt she intended it to be so entertaining. I still love The Royal Tenenbaums, though. And want her hair in that movie.

Music
* This alternate history of Kurt Cobain's life is, in some ways, more depressing than what actually happened. Something I always considered impossible, as the terrible suicide of a talented and disturbed person is always depressing. But this comic somehow showed that living is not always better than suicide, which is a pleasant concept to entertain on this rainy Saturday. And I don't think Dave Grohl appreciated this universe that much, either. Good comic, though.

Books
* This makes me shouty. Meghan McCain should not be writing a book. Because she is not a good writer. I have read her articles, and her blog entries, and she is simply not gifted in the way of words. That's fine; she's blonde, and very rich, and people seem to like her, and her father has power when he's not affiliating himself with insane screaming hockey moms. She has a lot to enjoy in life, and a lot to be grateful for. So WHY does she feel the need to write a book? And why is she getting paid A LOT OF MONEY to do it? This is all kinds of wrong. SHE CAN'T EVEN WRITE. Am I jealous? Probably, at least over the book deal (I am fine being a brunette whose father isn't nicknamed 'Walnuts'), but more I'm indignant. I'd rather read a book by Bristol Palin, to be honest. At least there would be some crazy shit I could laugh at.

WTF, INTERNET?

[Found at LikeCool]
* This is something that, if I encountered a person wearing it in real life, I would just ignore it. I wouldn't know what to say. I would not know the appropriate response. Do I laugh at the dead man's image? Do I get offended? Do I ask what would inspire a reportedly sane human being to walk around with such neckwear? No. I would just ignore it. It confuses me, although if someone wore it to a wedding I would probably laugh, on the inside, while I talked frantically about the weather.

* Why would you want a mouse that shocks you? And what sort of sick, evil bastard would buy this for someone else? I get it's a gag gift, but it's not funny. It's awful, in fact. I secretly hope people buy this for themselves, bring it to work, get shocked, and freak out and threaten to sue the company for an injury, and make millions. That could be fun.

* This is the freakiest baby tool I have ever seen.

[Found at CrunchGear]
A whole generation will be spawned that considers soft plush hands to be their real parents, and the large meat-sacks to be the cruel nannies that mean nothing to them. Then they'll Twitter about it, and society will collapse because all the next generation will want is to be held by large plush hands.

* This really grosses me out, more than it probably should, but WHO I ask you, WHO looks at a GUN and thinks, 'Golly, wouldn't it be nifty if I could grind up flesh with this thing?' Or, conversely, 'Gee, why can't I shoot things with this meat grinder?'

[Found at LikeCool]
These are questions we are not ready to answer, as a people.

Well, I feel like we've established that the world is a strange, sometimes frightening place. Good to know.
- LV

PS As always, title of blog taken from this site.

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Alan Moore Can Predict The Shuffle On His iPod.

Life
* There's not a lot going on in the wide world of the internets today, because it's some religious holiday weekend, which means everyone is off getting drunk and fornicating like godless sinners. Which I approve of, usually, although it would be nice to have more things to report on.

* Vote in my survey, people. I NEED INPUT. Do you like the new categories? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? And could you promote my blog? Because I am not doing too well with the promoting, and I feel dirty like an old whore when I'm running around begging people to read this thing. That is not a nice feeling. So you guys can do it, for a change.

Random
* This website is made up entirely of sandwiches being cut in half and scanned into the computer. I have no idea where the idea for this came from, but I'm torn between finding it idiotic and completely brilliant. On one hand, this guy is SCANNING sandwiches. He is cutting them in half and scanning them, and we are all looking at them. It's weird, but it's also really cool. You can see the inside of the sandwiches. And many of them look delicious. You see my dilemma. I need to understand. Where did this idea come from? What IS this? And why are more people interested in scans of sandwiches then my blog? (Answer: Sandwiches are delicious.)

* Another thing I fail to understand is Urban Camo. This reminds me of the time, freshman year in college, when one of my roommates and her boyfriend took the ladder from her loft bed, put it over their heads, and walked around the block with no shoes on. In New York. And when people asked them WHY they had a ladder on their heads and no shoes on their feet, on ground where people do awful, awful things, she would answer 'Why DON'T you have a ladder on your head?" Because, you see, she was a liberal arts student, and an ARTIST, and misunderstood, etc. And I was a liberal arts student, too. But I never felt the need to run around the street with furniture on my head in some desperate, sad attempt to show what an individual I am.


[Found at Geekologie]

Point is, these people make me think of her. Once again, like the scanned sandwiches, I do not understand. It's cool, but... why? Just because? OK. But unlike the sandwich scanning, which seems harmless and charming, this seems ominously like a 'statement' of some sort. Also, I could never love anyone who did this. I'm just saying.

* Apparently, this blog is becoming cake-focused. If so, that's fine. Cake is incredible. When done right, it's moist and delicious and sweet, and all that is good in this world. Plus, this isn't some regular cake. This is a frigging RAINBOW cake. If Rainbow Brite and the Care-Bears had joined forces, this is what they would have supped on whilst celebrating the defeat of their ruthless foes. That is how freaking great this cake is.

[Found at Geekologie]
Or hippies. Hippies would like this cake too. They'd probably add a 'magical ingredient' though, if you know what I mean, wink wink nudge nudge. I dislike hippies. But check out the link, because it gives you instructions on making this glorious piece of pastry, and then YOU can be like the Care Bears and Rainbow Brite, which is really everyone's secret desire in life.

Politics
* So, another dead dude is running a town. In Missouri, this time. Soon, all our small towns will be run by dead people or fictional characters (I'm sure those Twilight kids are already planning a Mayor Bella campaign that will send me into paroxysm of dementia), and it will make no difference in America, because apparently we're all going to be Socialist soon, or nuked. So I'm going to be voting for Mayor Darkwing Duck. At least I won't be throwing my vote away.

News
* In Orange County, California, I just witnessed the greatest car chase ever. In large part because no one was hurt, so I can enjoy it without being a horrible, horrible person. I can't find any news coverage, for some reason, but MSNBC has been following it very diligently, so I got to see the full footage. This woman is awesome. Probably out of her mind, but during the course of this chase, she:
- Drove into the median and spun circles while the cops chased her
- Got struck by a cop car and kept going
- Changed directions
- Got out of the CAR TO FLIP OFF THE COPS. The car started rolling away, and she DOVE BACK IN AND DROVE OFF AGAIN.

Seriously, who needs Fast and the Furious? This shit is FREE, and REAL, and far cooler.

WTF, INTERNET?
* Bacon-flavored lube. Wasn't there some Seinfeld episode about how sex, TV, and meat products would be the best experience ever? I don't know, I disliked that show. But once again, I find myself conflicted. I mean, if people get really, you know, EXCITED about the concept of bacon-flavored sexings, who am I to judge? Enjoy your bacon-dipped body parts. However, I'm unsure of how people can react in this situation. If your lover asks you to douse your unmentionables in bacon-flavored fluids, what do you say? Is there ANY way a relationship can survive someone refusing that offer? What if you just suggest chucking uncooked baking at each other in the bedroom? What if you're - gasp - a VEGAN? Then again, if you're partner's willing to compromise, maybe they'll settle for the Bacon-Flavored Lip Balm. I love bacon, but I don't really want to be ASSOCIATED with it. You know what I mean? I don't want to pass people on the street, and for them to point, and whisper, 'There goes the BACON LADY.' That is not the image I am aspiring to.

I had more stuff to write, but my mom is screaming about, I don't know, how unfair her poor life is, or something else. I'm not listening. This is why you should always move out, when you can. Always. Living at home in your twenties is like the seventh circle of HELL. I do not suggest it. I don't usually write about my family, because it's boring and personal, but JESUS CHRIST. Stupid economy, forcing me to live at home and not even have a car in which to FLEE.

Is it still running away from home if you're in your twenties? This is something I need to know.
- LV

PS Survey, blah blah blah, if you want. I don't care. Now I'm all sad.
PPSS Title ripped off from this website. They'll be suing me any day now.
PPPSSS A whole entry without mentioning Watchmen. I think I've really matured as a human being.

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