Election Day - 12:00 A.M.

11:01 P.M.
MSNBC IS CALLING BARACK OBAMA AS THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. I THINK MY SPINE JUST EXPLODED WITH JOY! Allow me a brief FREAK OUT OF HAPPINESS. MY CAP LOCKS ARE NOT BIG ENOUGH TO EXPRESS THE HAPPY! HOLY SHIT!

11:03 P.M.
MSNBC has been showing several MINUTES of people in various parts of the country screaming. Just screaming. I am dancing around my house like a cracked-out mime, and do not care!

11:05 P.M.
My face hurts from grinning. In other news, Florida STILL hasn't decided. They are not invited to ANY of the parties.

11:08 P.M.
Chris Matthews can barely contain his glee. If it turns out he didn't win, by some sick twist of fate, all the news reporters in the country will have to flee.

11:12 P.M.
I'm done blogging, for all purposes, but I keep going. McCain called and conceded. Is it really over? It can't be over. But it is. And I'm really proud that my country did right. You done good, America.

11:50 P.M.
I'm crying a little bit, and for once I'm not ashamed. This is a beautiful night. McCain's concession speech was actually solid and decent, although I got the feeling he wanted to punch Palin in the mouth. I juts want to hear President-Elect Barack Obama speak. Then I will sleep, and I will be happy. Because Barack Obama won the fucking election. And I'm going to be repeating that for weeks. Months, maybe. And always with a dazed smile on my face. I feel lucky to have been a part of this - to have voted for what I believed in, and to feel connected to my country in such a profound way. THIS is America. This means so much to so many people.

I'm signing off now, to watch President-Elect Barack Obama speak, and get some well-deserved sleep.

Thanks to everyone who read, commented, and voted (in the election, not my poll). I'll do a normal update tomorrow, probably still giddy from the sweet ambrosia of democracy.
- ElleVee

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Election Day - 11:00 P.M.

10:01 P.M.
They're projecting Iowa for Obama, Utah for McCain. Let him have it. WE DON'T NEED HIM. WHY AM I HERE WITH MY LAPTOP INSTEAD OF AT A PARTY WITH RUSSELL BRAND AND HIS BRITISH HAIR?!

10:08 P.M.
My computer exploded, but it's better now. Stop panicking. McCain headquarters is the best place in the world for pity sex right now. I know a few people whom could use that information.

10:10 P.M.
Huzzah to Colorado for not being idiot fuckwits and voting down that underhanded amendment to impede a woman's right to vote.

10:12 P.M.
FOX is scrambling to understand HOW Obama could possibly have taken Iowa away from McCain's shaky, sweaty hand. Meanwhile, Karl Rove has stolen all the cookies from the rest of the crew. Brit Hume almost expresses an emotion when the blonde touches him. It might be revulsion.

10:14 P.M.
I'm predicting Indiana for McCain, mainly because I have ceased to care about that state, and Chris Todd does not need any more reasons to play with the hologram machine.

10:18 P.M.
OPRAH IS IN GRANT PARK. I really dislike Oprah. As in, I want to yell at her for a while about the whole James Frey bullshit. It was a good book, regardless of whether it was authentic. You behaved horribly, Oprah, and I still haven't forgiven you for that. I doubt I ever will, unless of course you love my blog and make me rich. I AM WILLING TO SELL OUT IF IT GETS ME OUT OF NEW JERSEY.

10:24 P.M.
I'm watching Indecision 2008, and I will never know a purer love than the one I feel for Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart. If they were a Presidential duo, how wonderful would life be? My mind has imploded from the glorious idea.

10:26 P.M.
Chris Matthews is close to weeing his pants, and is in fact sneaking over to his laptop to secure the website title BarackObamaIsGod.com.

10:29 P.M.
Holy shit, that's really a site?! http://barackobamaisoursweetsaviour.com/. Let's go with that. It's not a real site. Don't tell Chris Matthews.

10:32 P.M.
Sweet Jesus' Donuts. Obama is a sheer, giddy delight, and I love him very much. CALL THE LAST FEW STATES SO I CAN CELEBRATE BY SLEEPING FOR FOURTEEN HOURS, OK?! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, CALL FLORIDA! CALL SOMETHING.

10:42 P.M.
So... tired. So very, very tired. And I have a wicked sinus headache. Did I mention I'm tired. It took me a whole minute to type that last sentence. Words are failing me. On the upside, Valkyrie looks like the funniest movie of the year. Tom Cruise couldn't even be bothered to FAKE a German accent. Note: I originally typed 'TAKE a German accent,' and found it so funny I almost didn't correct myself. Sleep is nice. I miss it. Guys, I've been doing this nonstop since 7:00 A.M. I am fucking TAPPED.

10:50 P.M.
Pat Buchanan is saying words on MSNBC, analyzing McCain's defeat. Holy shit, did FOX actually call Virginia for Obama?! WHAT TWISTED UNIVERSE IS THIS?! CAN I STAY?! Rachel Maddow seems very restrained. Almost sad. She should be doing a wild rumba around the news station, because I can't move.

10:52 P.M.
Pat Buchanan really needs to stop flip-flopping. Grow a pair, Pat. Hunter would have wanted it that way. You're coming across as a dick, and that makes me sad on many levels.

10:53 P.M.
When do we get a shot of John McCain wiping his tears with hundred-dollar bills?

10:54 P.M.
STOP ADVERTISING Valkyrie. The humor died. Thanks.

10:57 P.M.
FOX is trying to comfort McCain with South Dakota. Maybe Cindy will buy it for him.

10:58 P.M.
I just hope that buy the next election Chuck Todd has gotten over his crippling hologram addiction. Seek help, Chuck.

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Election Day - 10:00 P.M.

9:01 P.M.
The family of ElleVee is sniping and snarling over petty idiocy.

More Projected Wins
* Pennsylvania - Obama
* Connecticut - Obama
* DC - Obama
* Minnesota - Obama
* North Dakota - McCain
* New Hampshire - Obama
* Wisconsin - Obama
* Wyoming - Obama

Florida has fallen in my graces. GO BACK TO BARACK. I need to calm down. He's still leading by more than twice as many electoral votes. And Chris Matthews wants me to wait until we get more votes in. But no! I shall not calm down. I shall be bitchy and paranoid.

9:07 P.M.
I kind of really hate Chuck Todd. The hologram of North Carolina looks like it's about to pounce on Todd, while the state of Virginia just looks scared.

9:08 P.M.
Arkansas went for McCain, raising his number to 76.

9:10 P.M.
Chuck Todd is already comparing this election to 2000 and 2004. Wise choice, Chuck. Crush the spirit of American under your well-shined (shone?) shoe. Never invite Chuck Todd should never be invited to your party. He brings doom and gloom, and his creepy holographic girlfriend who will find a way to steal all your shoes.

9:21 P.M.
Oh, Anderson Cooper. You are so wise and serene in the midst of chaos. Would that YOU were running for President. They wouldn't even bother with an election. Your policy? Hugs For All.

9:24 P.M.
CNN is predicting West Virginia for McCain. It's close, but no cigar. I need an Anderson hug. Hank Williams may be the most depressing celebrity endorsement in history.

9:25 P.M.
MSNBC is calling Ohio for Obama. but more importantly, Saxby Chambliss is the BEST NAME EVER. If he, Barack Obama, and David Axelrod started a punk group, it would TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

9:26 P.M.
Louisiana for McCain, but they briefly put Florida as Obama. I wonder what Saxby Chambliss would say about that. I'm sorry, I love his name so much. Chuck Todd is mixing his metaphors, and we are not amused. Ink does not DRIFT.

9:29 P.M.
OHIO! Oh, how I love thee and thou's wise voting choices. Nicolle Wallace from the McCain camp is offering up some bullshit platitudes on losing Pennsylvania. It HURTS, don't it?! But her hair is great, and she can lie about Sarah Palin. She'll go far.

9:32 P.M.
New Mexico goes to Obama. Is ElleVee's pessimism unfounded? The cast of MSNBC is getting more and more gleeful with each McCain loss. They must be so happy at the idea of never having to deal with Sarah Palin's dementia.

9:36 P.M.
Chris Matthews is ripping into Tom Delay with delight. Keith Olbermann isn't good at math either! We should totally hang out.

9:40 P.M.
Now MSNBC is doing Senate, but really my brain is on one track, and it ain't going anywhere else for a while. Alaska is still voting. I'm not counting on Florida at this point.

9:41 P.M.
The pictures of Grant Park make me very jealous I'm not there. I want to be where the people are, I want to see, want to see 'em dancing.

9:42 P.M.
OK, I kind of love Chuck Todd now. He just called McCain's path 'narrow.' HAHAH.

9:44 P.M.
You KNOW as soon as the cameras stop rolling, Chris Matthews and Chuck Todd are going to run offstage and congratulate each other on being such clever, clever devils.

9:48 P.M.
Election Plaza looks like a wild time, too. So many places I should be. But instead, I'm here with you lovely people. FOX has a huge freaking monitor. If that thing fell on you, you'd be a grease stain. I wonder if the blonde in the really cute suit has nightmares about that. I think the blonde is having a breakdown over the results.

9:50 P.M.
O.M.F.G. FOX News ITSELF is claiming that this race won't be close enough for any legal contest. I am warm and fuzzy.

9:51 P.M.
Karl Rove wants to eat your babies, and brush his teeth with your soul. He is Jabba the Hutt's lost lovechild, and frankly he frightens me terribly.

9:53 P.M.
They're handing out COOKIES on FOX News. DOOM COOKIES. Can you imagine sitting in FOX News Room, eating cookies with Karl Rove while Obama leads the election? It boggles the mind. And yet I kind of wish I could experience it.

This has been a good hour. I liked this hour.

9:56 P.M.
Texas went to McCain. Not surprising again, but how cool would it have been if Obama had won? If Obama gets Arkansas, it might actually make McCain dead. Not metaphorically dead, either.

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Election Day - 9:00 P.M.

Elizabeth Dole is getting pummeled.

Current Leads
* Indiana - McCain
* Florida - Obama
* Virginia - McCain
* Ohio - Obama
* Texas - Obama (W.T.F.)
* Georgia - McCain
* North Carolina - Obama
* New Hampshire - Obama
* Indiana - McCain
* West Virginia - Obama

Projected Wins
* Kentucky - McCain
* Maine - Obama
* Illinois - Obama
* New Jersey - Obama (huzzah!)
* Vermont - Obama
* Connecticut - Obama
* DC - Obama
* Oklahoma - McCain
* Alabama - McCain

They keep projecting Obama as taking Pennsylvania, which would make me happy except that they have NO POLL RESULTS YET. This is like me predicting Oscar winners the day after they're nominated. It just unnerves me. Why are they doing this? Do they know something we don't? WHAT AREN'T THEY TELLING US?!

I mean, after the debacle of 2000, do you really think that they would make a prediction like that without some sort of insider knowledge? Are the people at MSNBC smoking weed, or are they In The Know? Only time will tell. And I want it to tell now. I am sleep and overstressed and angry at everyone ever.

8:36 P.M.
MSNBC is giving Obama 103 electoral votes, McCain 58 for McCain, who just won Georgia. I saw Fried Green Tomatoes in Georgia. The Ku Klux Klan scenes scared me. I'm just saying.

8:38 P.M.
MSNBC needs to stop acting like Obama has won Pennsylvania before any numbers have come in. I'm not saying he DIDN'T win, but pride comes before the fall, and this fall will be real freaking far and hard. MSNBC, please think before you speak. And why is everyone in Grant Park acting like they've already won? AM I STUCK IN A TEMPORAL FLUX WHERE THE ELECTION NEVER ENDS?! A million people may end up in Grant Park. It's the ultimate singles mixer, and I'm not there.

8:41 P.M.
Keith Olbermann commenting on how shiny the floors are in Alaska made me laugh out loud for the first time in hours. Alaska, land of shiny floors and dead moose.

8:46 P.M.
I'd bet good money that Chuck Todd has an unhealthy attraction to the hologram machine. Right now he's resisting the urge to hump Florida on national TV, forever ruining his career of pointing at giant holographic maps. He's being supremely negative. This makes me sad, and I hope they send him to a land with no holograms. I hate his tie, too.

8:49 P.M.
David Axelrod is the coolest name of the election (besides Barack Obama). He's talking a lot, but he's not saying much. If I ever get my own network, we will have nothing but silence. SILENCE AND RESULTS. If FOX started advertising that way, I'd watch constantly.

8:54 P.M.
Having a half-drunk argument with your mother over whether Obama is winning Florida or not makes everyone feel slightly asinine.

8:55 P.M.
Tom Delay is still allowed on TV? I thought I signed a petition against that turd. At least I don't have to look at blogs anymore. I'm done. Now it's just the news on MSNBC, and CNN.com, and FOXNews.com. Tom Delay is acting like Obama has already won, and that Nancy Pelosi is a secret dominatrix who will make Obama her bitch.

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Election Day - 8:00 P.M.

Projected Winners
McCain - Kentucky (8)
Obama - Vermont (3)

Maybe it's because I've been psychotically trolling the web all day, and watching several news networks, but I'm almost numb now that the polls have started closing. I'm too exhausted to care. That's not true. I care desperately, but I'm too wiped to emote.

Virginia is leaning towards McCain, but it's still too early to call. I am feeling very shouty and paranoid, and would like a hug from

Next polls closing: North Carolina, Ohio, and West Virginia.

If Obama can just win Virginia, my stomach might stop curling. That's the only word for it. It's curling up to hide from the madness.

This is sort of sadistic, this percentage-by-percentage counting. I almost wish they'd just announce the results, none of this COUNTING crap.

I've never had less fun watching TV (except when I was forced to sit through a John Travolta marathon with my mom that included The Boy In The Plastic Bubble. Every four years, I forget how draining and angst-filled an election can be. And every four years, they cruelly remind me.

A brief but intense bout of yelling between me, my mom, and my little brother has exiled me to the kitchen with my alcohol.

The TV keeps reassuring me not to jump to any conclusions from these early results. Well, if that's what you want, STOP SHOWING ME THE RESULTS.

I think one of the CNN pundits was on Cheers.

Obama is leading in Florida, and I feel a surge of love and compassion for the Sunshine State, and all the lovely old people who live there.

He's also leading in the popular vote, but we know all too well how little that amounts to in the Big Picture.

I was right. It's going to be a long night. And I need to stay at least sober enough to type. I really don't want to become the female Spider Jerusalem, comic journalist battling The Beast in print, and writing The Truth for all. Even if he IS based on Hunter S. Thompson. I am not a cartoon, and his drug intake would most likely kill me, and anyway, Spider Jerusalem lives in the future with a patch that prevents cancer and he eats monkey brains. I do not, although I wouldn't say no to that patch, what with my cigarette love. The point is, you should all read Transmetropolitan. It's a good primer for the journalistic battle that will follow McCain's nomination. And if Obama wins (see me remaining negative?) it will be a reminder of how ruthless we must be in our search for The Truth.

I really dislike the 3D maps on MSNBC. I tried to watch FOX News, but their graphics made my eyes bleed a little bit. And looking back, that last paragraph goes on a mysterious and terrible tangent. But this is an exercise in Gonzo Journalism, as most blogging is. Or should be. I am not rewriting, or editing. Let your flaws hang out, people.

This has been a tense hour, as can be seen from the screaming, drinking, and rambling. And now Hugh Jackman is on, advertising Australia, and his arms and accent give me a momentary reprieve from these political shenanigans.

Last update for the hour before I scurry off to smoke and worry.
* Obama is leading in Florida, North Carolina & New Hampshire.
* McCain is leading in Georgia & Indiana.
* Obama has won Vermont, which I'm sure has shocked absolutely no one.
* McCain wins Kentucky, which also fails to surprise anybody with an IQ in double digits.

And I'm not sure, but someone might want to tell South Carolina that the guy who won their senate seat looks like he rapes blind puppies for fun. Just putting that out there.

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Election Day - 7:00 P.M.

I have officially switched from caffeine to alcohol. Be forewarned. This will be minute-by-minute coverage, now, although posted once an hour, to keep my head (and computer) from exploding.

6:42 P.M.
John McCain is leading in Kentucky, 67% to 31%.

Barack Obama is leading in Indiana, 50% to 48%.

Next polls closing: Florida, Georgia, Indiana, Kentucky, South Carolina, Vermont, & Virginia.

6:43 P.M.
John McCain is leading in Kentucky, 68% to 31%.

This is pretty damn stressful. Suddenly any confidence I felt is gone. I'm filled with doubt. What if Obama loses? What if John McCain becomes the President? I'm not sure my psyche could handle that. Or the nation.

6:44 P.M.
John McCain is leading in Kentucky, 69% to 29%.
Barack Obama is leading in Indiana, 50% to 49%.

6:46 P.M.
Obama gains a point in Kentucky. This percentage-watching might cause a minor psychotic breakdown. And everyone seems so calm and hopeful. Is this denial in action? Do they know something we don't?

Stop showing the exit polls. The real polls are coming in. Nobody cares anymore. Screw the exit polls. I want to know who's going to be our leader. Although it's still entertaining to see how low Bush's approval rating has dropped (28%).

6:51 P.M.
McCain is slamming Obama in Kentucky. Hard.

If McCain takes Virginia, it's going to be a long, bad night with hostile vibes. If he takes Pennsylvania, it's time to switch from alcohol to hard drugs, whatever you can get your hands on.

6:52 P.M.
With 9% of the vote in, Obama jumps ti 49% in Kentucky, according to CNN (MSNBC says 48%). Hell of a jump.

6:54 P.M.
Chuck Todd is showing me a big map of Indiana. Maps are meaningless. Give me numbers, hard percentages.

6:55 P.M.
On MSNBC, there is a little elf-child grinning from the corner of the screen. Nobody else looks at her. I'm starting to think nobody can see her but me. But that might be the stress talking.

6:57 P.M.
At least the Senate looks Democratic.
Obama leading in Indiana, but barely.
McCain leading in Kentucky, but once again barely.

Maybe I should mix coffee into my bloody mary.

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Election Day - 6:00 P.M.

I've been blogging for over ten hours straight. My eyes are having trouble focusing, and I have a killer migraine. Soon, it will be time to switch to alcohol. And we're still waiting for the polls to close.

Sarah Palin would like to wake up as the Vice-President-elect? I'd like to wake up as Angelina Jolie. Or Victoria Beckham. I'm flexible. And MY wish wouldn't cause international chaos. Or at least the chaos would be funny, instead of potentially devastating.

Ah, exit polls:
* 63% who said Iraq was a top issue voted for Obama. 36% voted for McCain. That's surprising, frankly. I thought security would be a big McCain win.
* 10% said Iraq was the top issue, making the above statistic less happy for me.
* 62% of voters said the economy was the top issue. No surprises there.
* 86% if people worried about terrorism voted for McCain.
* 9% of voters say top issue is terrorism. So that makes me feel better about the above statistic.
* 7% said energy was the top issue
* 51% said the government needs to do more to solve problems.
* 70% worry that there will be another terrorist attack.
* 32% are not worried about affordable healthcare.
* 28% oppose offshore drilling.
* 70% predict their taxes will go up under Obama.
* 49% feel their taxes will go up no matter what.
* 67% think Biden would be a good President.
* 38% think Palin would be a good President. In other news, Palin's husband and children were arrested for illegally voting hundreds of thousands of times on exit polls. In my mind.
* 50% said Obama has the experience to be President.

Rudy Giuliani seriously needs to get off the goddamn screen and stop being snarky. He's so smug and condescending. Unless he's rigged all the machines in the country, I really hope he's just excited over the Yankees' lineup for next season.

Sarah Palin just called this a "historical" event. I cherish these moments, Ms. Palin. Really, I do. Let's not have any more. I don't need another four years of laughing at a politician's grammar, then sobbing uncontrollably when I remember they have the nuclear codes.

Gawker, who I should work for because I love them even when they are cruel, has posted information on exit polls. Keep in mind exit polls are useless. They mean NOTHING. THIS IS NO TIME TO START PANICKING. When it is time to start panicking, I will lead the panic parade, and the confetti will be confetti of TEARS.

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Election Day - 5:00 P.M.

I'm starting to crash a little. CNN keeps screaming about the exit polls, but offers me nothing of interest beyond the fact that the polls are, in fact, coming.

Because there isn't really anything to report on at the moment, I will simply post some links and videos to entertain you until the exit polls come out and give me something to shout about. Wolf Blitzer (who my journalism teacher knew, and referred to as a "tool" before going on to call Judith Miller a "skank" - I worship my former teacher) keeps talking about a Magic Map. I know it's about the election, but I keep thinking that it's what Miss Frizzle used to steer The Magic School Bus. Those books were really good.

Make Ralph Nader hummus! Or don't, because apparently it tastes like bitterness and failure.

This video almost made the whole election worthwhile. Almost. Except, you know, for the death and destruction and awful economy.


This might make you feel better about the current nominees. Because transcendental meditation is all we need for peace and prosperity. Nothing else. NOTHING.

Tomorrow is going to be a giant national hangover, either of joy or overwhelming, soul-sucking despair, depending on who you voted for.

There seem to be a lot of voter problems - mostly mechanical, lines, or registration issues. I want someone to find out what these people were registered as. Are more Democrats or Republicans having problems? Let's start a conspiracy theory! See, FOX News? You're not the only one who can fear-monger! Game on!

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Election Day - 4:00 P.M.

This, which I ganked off of Gawker, is hilarious on about three levels. I want to party with these guys. Well, not really. But I admire how scary they are, and how annoyed they are with the camera-phone dude.

Things The TV No Longer Needs To Reiterate
* This is the longest campaign in U.S. history.
* John McCain is old.
* This election will change history.
* Barack Obama is black.
* We have the biggest voter turnout in history.
* Barack Obama will be the first black president.
* John McCain will be the oldest president elected for the first time.
* The polling lines are long.
* Sarah Palin is a woman.
* Sarah Palin will be the first female Vice President.
* This election has been about the economy and terrorism.

How come, after months of the media claiming that race has NOTHING to do with Obama's campaign, today I have seen at least half a dozen black politicians talking about what a factor race has been in this election? Did I miss something?

Tim Robbins, why must you shame me? I loved you so in The Shawshank Redemption, and you made me tolerate Meg Ryan in the underrated I.Q.. And I was so happy when you finally won an Oscar for Mystic River, because you were brilliant and sad, and even though you are ten feet taller than me I wanted to hug you and tell you everything would be all right, until Sean Penn shows up and bitch-slaps you for being a spoiled ass. Gawker shows me many things. Mayhap I should be paying them money. If I had any.

The people on FOX News seem to be having a collective anxiety attack. I haven't seen anyone smile in hours, except for that sort of braying, panic-induced laughter right before the gun fires.

I think I just tore a hole in the time-space continuum. I was watching a video clip from FOX News about the Black Panthers thing in Philadelphia on my laptop, when they showed the same video on FOX News, and then they showed another video of the same Black Panther incident. And I kind of think the Black Panther who was interviewed made a good point. Yes, big angry guy with a nightstick is scary, but you see the FOX News Team hanging outside your polling station, you turn tail and RUN.

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Election Day - 3:00 P.M.

For a change of pace, I'm blogging outside on my back porch while I enjoy a soothing cigarette. If a sudden downpour destroys my computer, you are all free to laugh. I know I would.

It's kind of irritating that Sarah Palin won't say who she voted for. Does she thinks she's being coy and mysterious? Does she really expect people to be going, "Gosh, I wonder who she voted for considering SHE'S ON THE TICKET"? What is going on in her well-coiffed head? Unless, just to piss off McCain, she voted for Obama. Then I would grudgingly admit she's kind of incredible, while still being batshit insane. Unfortunately, that seems unlikely.

Who the hell is calling people up in Virginia giving them phony election dates? More importantly, who would believe a strange phone call claiming that for the first time in recorded history, the voting date has changed? Would you be inclined to check online, or ask a friend? WHAT IS GOING ON IN VIRGINIA? The air is thick with intrigue, and cigarette smoke. And here's another scandal, in high-tech form.

The clip from The View I was ranting about earlier. Wow, has this much madness occurred on one day? How much more must we take before the dust settles? How long, Oh Lord? (Apologies to Dr. Thompson)

FiveThirtyEight satisfies my obsessive need to look at polls all day.

And, in a sign that the third Horseman is saddling up, Joe The Plumber plans to write a book.

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Election Day - 2:00 P.M.

By the end of this day, I may wish I was a zombie. Not in the 'eating people is fun, although that Jonathon Coulton song makes me wonder' sense, but more 'I am dead inside and feel nothing because I have been frantically typing, researching, and watching the news since 7:00 A.M., with breaks only to use the bathroom and smoke the occasional cigarette, and by the time this is done I will barely have the energy to drag my feet slowly through the house, groaning at anyone unlucky enough to cross my path. And maybe biting them, depending on who wins the election.' I'll be an intellectual zombie. If McCain wins, I'm starting a rumor that the Zombie Apocalypse is coming, and he's the cause. It will make me smile, as I weep over the state of our nation. I have NEVER claimed to be unbiased.

There's so much information, but most of it is useless. More than half of the state of Colorado has already voted. My aunt who lives there voted for the Opposition. This election is remarkably emotional. People are crying as they vote, overwhelmed by their choices.

Otherwise, most of this stuff is boring. A quick channel-surf:
* CNN is talking about the length of lines in Colorado (they're short), and early voting shows more Democrats voting than Republicans. They're saying Obama might carry the state. Oh, I hope they do, if only so I can mock my uptight aunt who lives there. Now they're discussing Obama's basketball habit.

* CNBC is having a 'Power Lunch,' debating how many seats the Democrats can hope to get in the Senate.

* MSNBC is showing McCain and Giuliani in a love-fest at Yankee Stadium while he does an on-air interview. Giuliani sounds like Martin Scorcese on the phone, if Martin had taken up a crack habit to rival Amy Winehouse.

* Thirteen is discussing Obama's relationship with the Civil Rights Movement.

* News 12 New Jersey is in Chicago, admiring Obama's home state, and looking at McCain's frantic campaigning in Arizona. I hope McCain gets a good long nap after this. The dude is old, and he's been campaigning like a demon. I give credit where it's due.

That's all the news I can find at the moment. If you can call it that.

Polls start closing in five hours. That's a lot of time to kill quibbling over the politician's history, and what they're doing right now. I've just got this blog, and I'm amazed by how dull most of this is.

Here's a list of when the polls close, because this has been a dull hour so far. All times are EST, because those are the ones I care about.
6:00 P.M.
* Indiana (Part)
* Kentucky (Eastern half)

7:00 P.M.
* Florida (Mostly) (BATTLEGROUND STATE)
* Georgia
* Indiana (The rest of the state)
* Kentucky (The rest of the state)
* South Carolina
* Vermont
* Virginia (BATTLEGROUND STATE)

7:30 P.M.
* North Carolina
* Ohio (BATTLEGROUND STATE)
* West Virginia

8:00 P.M.
* Alabama
* Connecticut
* Delaware
* District of Columbia
* Florida (The rest of the state) (BATTLEGROUND STATE)
* Illinois
* Maine
* Maryland
* Massachusetts
* Michigan (Mostly)
* Mississippi
* Missouri
* New Hampshire
* New Jersey (Go Jersey!)
* Oklahoma
* Pennsylvania (Hi Kaje!) (BATTLEGROUND STATE)
* South Dakota (Eastern half)
* Tennessee
* Texas (Mostly)

8:30 P.M.
* Arkansas (Which is very lonely in this time slot)

9:00 P.M.
* Arizona
* Colorado (BATTLEGROUND STATE)
* Kansas
*Louisiana
* Michigan (The rest of the state)
* Minnesota
* Nebraska
* New Mexico
* New York
* Rhode Island
* South Dakota (The rest of the state)
* Texas (The rest of the state)
* Wisconsin
* Wyoming

10:00 P.M.
* Idaho (Southern half)
* Iowa
* Montana
* Nevada
* North Dakota (Eastern half)
* Oregon (Eastern half)
* Utah

11:00 P.M.
* California
* Idaho (The rest of the state)
* North Dakota (The rest of the state)
* Oregon (The rest of the state)
* Washington

12:00 A.M.
* Alaska (Mostly)

1:00 A.M.
* Alaska (The rest of the state) (Because Alaska just HAS to be different. Kidding, I'm kidding. Alaska is lovely. It's just depressing to think I'll still be awake at 1:00 in the morning)

Doesn't battleground state make you imagine the robots from Transformers engaged in epic battle, one painted blue the other red, tearing up the landscape as they make war for their chosen candidate? Wouldn't elections be infinitely more awesome if giant robot battles determined our future? Hell, it would make the news more entertaining.

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Election Day - 1:00 P.M.

Funny and sad all at once:

Things have slowed down the networks, as they slowly realize we all have several hours to go before we actually have anything to report on.

It's like everyone is waiting for the big football game to start, only the team is busy snorting crack and chasing giggling hookers through a church (or whatever pro football players do before a game), so the announcers are forced to entertain thousands of drunk, surly fans for hours while the coach calls the SWAT team to bring in the players. And the crowd starts to hate the announcers, because they can only say so much about how great the game will be before violence seems like an entertaining diversion. Not that I'm encouraging violence.

On MSNBC, John Harris from Politico is trying to give a concise and intelligent analysis of the race while some emergency alarm squeals in the background and bright lights flash out their concern.

According to this chart from Open Left, the polls are usually incredibly accurate. Which is a good thing for those of us rooting for Obama, but not really enough reassurance to make me close my laptop and go shopping.

Polling places opened late in Virginia, and there are some issues in Pennsylvania. Wasn't this supposed to be the election where we DIDN'T have any of these problems? Isn't this period in time stressful enough without the machine exploding, or deleting all the votes? People are waiting for hours in line to vote, there was a report of a woman FLYING to Florida from Philadelphia, if memory serves, and she had to wait for like two additional hours before she could even get to the machines.

I was worried I'd break the machine. Technology and I don't get along. With my luck, the thing would burst into flames, or somehow vote ten thousand times for McCain. Then I'd be in jail for voter fraud, and he'd be President, and the other inmates would beat me up and do all the awful things I never saw on Oz, because the concept of that show freaked me out so much I couldn't bring myself to sit through an episode. That didn't happen, luckily. The machine worked... BUT FOR HOW LONG?!

Gawker has some remarkable pictures of the lines people are enduring in order to vote. It makes me feel slightly guilty that my own experience was so painless and quick.

On Facebook, we're up to 1,842,964 votes. I'd normally point to this as a sign that young people are indeed voting, giving the metaphorical middle finger to the establishment, except for the fact that I know an awful lot of older people (middle aged and elderly) who have Facebooks. Besides being creepy, it's skewing my totally unfounded thesis that young people are voting. But I'm going to keep saying it, if only to shut up the smug older people I know who insist that the Youth of America will spend today getting stoned, having unprotected sex, and grooving to Whitesnake.

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Election Day - 12:00 P.M.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have been blogging for five hours. Seven hours until the polls close. I'm drinking Diet. Dr. Brown's Black Cherry Soda, and have a full case of Fresca, and five more of these caffeine-filled babies. And alcohol, for later.

The View doesn't really count as 'news' per say, but I do like watching Elizabeth Hasselback temper-tantrum like a spoiled infant over poor John McCain, and how evil Barack Obama is. Even this morning she was yelling about Reverend Wright. I can't even work up the energy to roll my eyes anymore. We get it. You dislike the man. He is the root of all evil, and may in fact be responsible for the New Coke debacle.

Sherri Shepherd was on target today, and usually she's kind of a drip. She pointed out that the McCain party has been swiftboating Obama since the beginning of the campaign, and Hasselbeck nearly shot venom out of her nostrils. Then Shepherd earned my respect for the day, and possibly the week, by pointing out that if Hasselbeck is so worried about integrity, why isn't anyone up in arms over McCain leaving his DISFIGURED wife for after her tragic car accident for Cindy "Crypt-Keeper" McCain. How's that for integrity, you cantankerous old lech? Oh, but that's OK, because she's blonde and rich. And Elizabeth Hasselbeck sulked in the corner during the Dennis Hopper interview. I hope her handlers up her meds for the day; she's going to need them.

Susan Molinari looks very unhappy on MSNBC.

Two obscenely cute little kids just discussed how Obama won their school's election, by what margin, and what they'd like to do when they grown up. They were very poised. One was younger than my brother. If my brother was put in front of a camera with thousands of people watching, and people dressed up as donkeys and elephants cavorting behind him, he would have howled, "I BELIEVE IN GODZILLA!" kneed the elephant, and possibly mugged a sweet little old lady. Clearly, my family should not be allowed near the political arena.

I laugh every time I hear them say Dixville Notch. Because I am immature and sick of watching people stand in line.

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Election Day - 11:00 A.M.

FOX News is already trying to manipulate the goddamn vote. Mike Carvin (whose parents lived across the street from my aunt and uncle - small, scary world) is on discussing soldiers from Virginia who are overseas and claiming that they're being disenfranchised. Carvin is suggesting they wait ten days to count their votes.

Now, everyones vote should count. Not 'especially' men and women serving. Everyone's vote should count equally. Whether you are fighting in Iraq or going to work every day, your vote should count. Those soldiers should absolutely have their votes count. That goes without saying. But waiting ten days will kill me. If it's a really close race, OK, I get it, and I'm sure the losing side will kick up enough shit to get the attention they want on this matter. But ten days. Guys, if this goes to ten days of waiting, I'm not blogging it. You'll be bored, and I'll lose what's left of my mind, and my poor blog will collapse from the weight of my angst. And I don't think the country can wait ten days. I really don't.

Anyone remember the 2000 Election? Does this country learn NOTHING from its past mistakes? Or is FOX News stuck in an eternal loop from 2000, still reveling in the glory days when THEY correctly predicted the next President? I don't know.

"Why is Election Day always on a Tuesday? And why is it always in November?" Yes, FOX News. Yes. Because in these tense times, these are the questions America is asking. This is what we need to know on a day that will "go down in history." As always, a beacon of wisdom and sense in a chaotic and turbulent world, shining light in our darkest hours. Thank you, FOX News (and the newscaster lady with the insane blonde hair). Thank you.

Note: I said I'd watch all the news channels - I never said I'd be happy about it. You can't expect me to be nice to FOX News.



OK, this makes me want to be a little nice to FOX News. Or at least Shepard Smith, who seems like he might actually have a brain. He must be lonely at his job. The whole thing is bizarre Joe The Plumber madness, but the real hilarity comes from Smith himself at about 5:16.

See? I can be "Fair and Balanced!" I win!

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Election Day - 10:00 A.M.

Now voters in New Jersey are having trouble with the stupid electronic machines.

Voter turnout is guaranteed to break records.

Nine hours until the polls closed. Virginia, Indiana, and Georgia close at 7:00 P.M. (well, half of Indiana). Jesus, I have nine hours of this to get through before I see ANY RESULTS?! And Alaska won't close until 1:00 A.M. I'm going to be homicidal AND catatonic, the first time that has ever occurred in history.

Pat Buchanan, why do you continue to support Sarah Palin's existence? It makes me sad. What would Hunter (S. Thompson) say? He'd probably call you a miserable bastard and throw a bottle of alcohol at you.

STOP using the phrase "path to victory" when discussing McCain. You can talk about him all you want, but find a new freaking phrase. It makes me think of a bad old-time movie that they show on Sundays on TNT, right before reruns of Conan and Xena: Warrior Princess.
They've said "path to victory" in this discussion at least five times. Although they seem to be leaning towards "McCain's last stand" as the new "phrase to piss off ElleVee."

Barack Obama is going to campaign in Indiana today. You have to give the man credit, he ain't quitting any time soon.

852,247 people on Facebook have voted.

"Dance of Democracy" is a phrase I've decided should be used far more often. Dance, Democracy, Dance! Dance, you foolish trollop!

Dan Rather's voice is like God's voice. If he announced Obama was President right now, everyone would quietly pack up their things and go home. Of course, after the 2000 disaster election, where the only idiot bigger than Bush was Gore for not fighting for this win, no news station will ever be caught naming a winner before every last vote is in. Which is disappointing, as I would enjoy the nerve-shattering experience of every news station claiming a different President. Imagine the chaos: someone would declare Ron Paul a winner, and the national alcoholism rate would skyrocket from sheer stress.

Reuters is reporting a tie for Florida. McCain is leading by one point in Indiana.

I keep yelling at the TV, only to be gently reminded that A) They can't hear me, and B) it's a little after ten, and hundreds of thousands of people still need to vote. But I don't care. I am nervous, and intend to stay nervous, until I learn The Truth and either celebrate with alcohol, or console myself with lots of alcohol.

Oklahoma polls close at 8:00 P.M. EST.

Babeland, a sex shop, is giving away free vibrators to those who vote. That's a damn good incentive, and I'm sure there's a joke about politics screwing you in there, but I'll let you write it.

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Election Day - 9:35 A.M.

Just got back from voting (and a much-needed caffeine run). As I've said before, my first time voting was in the miserable Kerry/Bush election of 2004. Voting was pretty much a disaster. I had to send in an absentee ballot, and getting the damn thing was a nightmare. I was on the phone for days, screaming at whatever poor sap was unlucky enough to pick up and demanding my Constitutional right to vote. I was in college, living in New York City, and was registered in my home state of New Jersey. My roommates - those that voted at all - had similar problems. One of my friends doesn't think she even got her ballot in on time. I filled out the little paper, and sent it in without any sense of hope or pride. It was like filling out a college survey - impersonal, and vaguely depressing.

This time was different. I even brought a book, (Hunter S. Thompson, of course) prepared to wait for hours if need be to vote for my Candidate. It wasn't needed; the whole thing took about twenty minutes. I didn't even need to show ID. The line moved quickly, and everyone was super-friendly. Since you can't really discuss politics in the voting area - unless you want to risk being escorted out by angry, well-muscled security guards - everyone acts like it's a friendly gathering, and makes small talk about inane details. I chatted with the woman in front of me about her baby, who was indeed cute, when really I wanted to grab her and demand to know her affiliations. It's so charged right now. I come from a small town, but I have to say I've never seen that many people in one place at one time. They woman working there confirmed that voter attendance was the highest she's ever seen, and she's been doing this for decades. So I guess whoever wins this election really is the person we want. I hope we get the candidate we need, and not the one we deserve.

I am sick and tired of these talking heads who keep saying that history is being made because Obama is black. Ignoring the fact that Obama is half-white, it's the PRESIDENCY. History would be made if it was two fat old white dudes, or two hot women, or a black guy and a gay guy, or a conjoined twin. History will be made regardless of the candidate's race, sexual preference, economic background, or height. It's a stupid thing to say. But I guess right now everyone's stuck twiddling their thumbs until the polls start closing.

In Columbus, OH, the polling machines are breaking and people are leaving, according to MSNBC. At times like this, I really hate technology. Unacceptable. Write your choice on a piece of paper and hand in the damn thing. It worked for the boat people in The Dark Knight. Wait, it kind of didn't. Actually, that scene makes an upsetting allegory for the political process, so forget I mentioned it.

The Marist Poll says that Barack Obama will beat John McCain 52% to 43%. Obama has led since the poll began on September 25th.

David Sedaris has written a brilliantly funny piece for The New Yorker on undecided voters. This is my favorite part:

I look at these people and can’t quite believe that they exist. Are they professional actors? I wonder. Or are they simply laymen who want a lot of attention?

To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. “Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?”

To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.

I mean, really, what’s to be confused about?

You can read the rest of the piece in the link.

I'm due to update again in two minutes, so I'll leave you all be and take a brief breather.

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Election Day - 8:00 A.M.

* Wonkette has a hilarious page of bullshit stories on Barack Obama. No word on his army of baby-eating unicorn warriors, though. That shit is UNDER WRAPS.

* Virginia hasn't voted Democrat since 1964. So this will either be an amazing day that will overturn prejudices (can you overturn a prejudice, like a car?) or will reinforce every stereotype about Americans that the rest of the world holds dear.

* This is a great polling primer. I have yet to find a poll that says McCain will win. But, as Stephen Colbert said last night on The Colbert Report, it's all a big JOKE! McCain is pulling a fast one on us. He will win, and Sarah Palin ISN'T an incompetent, unqualified lunatic who believes Jesus killed the dinosaurs and that evolution is just a silly joke.

* I'm totally going to watch Indecision 2008 at 10:00 P.M. EST. If I'm still awake, and alive, and able to focus my eyes.

* These politicians (all of them) really are remarkable. They campaign for months (years, in this case), they fight and claw their way to the top, they put themselves and their whole families out on the line, and the DAY everyone is voting on their future, and the future of the country, they have to smile and nod and act like it's no big deal. It's just another day, going to do my laundry, hi-dee-ho, la-dee-da.

If I was running for President (in an alternate universe where ANYONE would consider me a viable option), on Election Day you could find me curled up under one of the foldout tables, chain-smoking with a bottle of Wild Turkey, weeping and biting the ankles of whatever poor intern was unlucky enough to pass me by, and screaming for more Tab , and possibly prank-calling my worthy opponent pretending to be Santa Claus, saying I hated him, and no presents for YOU. This, and a few other reasons, is why I have no interest in politics.

* CNN is promising tomorrow will offer a retrospective on whoever is our next President. Meaning somebody had to make up an entire show on the loser. Meaning one of those will be trashed tomorrow. Meaning HOURS of a person's life have been wasted making a show that will have no historical value whatsoever. I imagine sad, sad CNN interns clutching the useless video discs to their chest, and being consoled by older, wiser employees: "The pain fades, kid. I had a three-hour show on President Al Gore. Now I use it as a coaster for my beer on the long, lonely nights."

* More states are open for voting. I have to go get dressed to embark on my own voting experience. I can't say how long it will take (voting, not getting dressed. I like makeup and playing with my hair, but I have PRIORITIES), but I promise to offer a full, detailed report on my activities and experiences. I'll hopefully stop at Dunkin Donuts at some point, otherwise I'll collapse before Alaska's polls open at noon. And that would be embarrassing. And unprofessional.

* One of the pundits on CNN has a lisp. I know that's in poor taste to mention, but she's saying remarkably intelligent things, and her lisp is distracting me. Lisp is a hard word to say if you have a lisp. I need caffeine.

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Election Day - 7:30 A.M.

Obligatory, apologetic half-hour post:

First impressions, watching CNN:

* I suspect a lot of the announcers want to guess on a winner, and are frustrated by the fact that they have to be fair and balanced. Personally, I want them to grab the camera and scream, "Barack Obama is going to win! Vote for him or be mocked by family and friends!" They won't do that, but I'd appreciate it.

* 7:34 A.M.: Obama currently has a slight lead. The lines to the polls are incredible. I've never actually seen that many people going to vote. Over 180,000 people on Facebook have already voted, and it's 7:36 A.M. That's more people than are registered fans of Sushi! Good sign? I dare not say.

* 26 states are voting, and James Carville's big bald head is optimistic about Barack Obama.

* There is a poll of polls on CNN. That's like the vortex. How can you poll polls? Will there one day be a poll polling the polling of polls? Is this what finally drove Dr. Seuss over the edge? Strange questions, on election day. I do like the idea of CNN crashing the entire interweb with it's poll polling.

* Every time a Republican comes onscreen to insist McCain is going to win, I get twitchy. Like, a little homicidal in my twitchiness. I hate the forced cheeriness, and I know it's still anybody's game, but really, I'd love for my Republicans to confess if they think McCain is going to lose. But not Democrats. They must be positive, NO MATTER WHAT.

* They're STILL showing that idiotic video of Barack Obama and Reverend Wright. Really? Is that all they've got? People are VOTING, and they're still showing that the dude at his church was bonkers? That's what we're going with?

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Election Day - 7:00 A.M.

My alarm didn't go off, so we're running a bit behind schedule here at Election Headquarters (AKA my home).

The polls opened about fifty minutes ago, and according to CNN, the first town to vote in the Election went to Obama in a landslide. I am not comforted.

To reiterate my plan for the day: I will update this blog ever hour, on the hour, until the new President is announced. I will read news blogs, gossip blogs, and news sites. I will post news stories, fun links, and rants. I will also, obviously, watch TV. To be fair, or at least get varied opinions, I will switch news channels every hour. I will be watching CBS, NBC, CNN, MSNBC, and FOX (and that last one makes me wince, even as I try to be an Objective Journalist, something the great Hunter S. Thompson called an impossibility, or at least an oxymoron).

I will also record my own voting experience. This will be my second Presidential election, and the first time I've voted in person (as opposed to the irritation of an absentee ballot).

This is a big day, and despite what all the pundits have been saying about Obama's win, I'm nervous. This feels vital, critical, epic. I'm also wondering if I should make a supply run at some point between posts. I need cigarettes, Tab, Fresca, and possibly large quantities of alcohol. I wonder if there are any election drinking games.

Last bit of house-cleaning, as my old teacher liked to say: I decided to just do a new blog entry for each hour, rather than one big honking long one with an hourly edit, because A) that would be an ungainly and frankly terrifying blog entry, and B) I think these look nicer.

It's The Big Day. I'm one post behind, so I'll do a half-hour update to make up for it. Comment with your own election stories, or laugh as I sink slowly (quickly) into madness from this exercise.
- LV

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