Big Damn Heroes.

Blog
* This needs to be added to my list of T-Shirts I must make. Title is from Firefly.

Comics
* I don't usually follow Spider-Man's orders, but I do believe in the importance of voting:

That being said, I'd do pretty much anything The Beast said. You don't mess with him. He's a large blue dude. You don't piss off large blue dudes.

Girly!Want
* I need everything in the following picture, and you all need to buy it for me:

[Found at Haute Macabre]
Why do you need to buy it for me? Oh, there's an excellent reason.... but I can't tell you. It's a secret. Just trust me, and send money.

Food!Win
* This is the cutest cake since the Wall-E cake. Maybe even cuter:

[Found at Geekologie]
Yes, it is in fact cuter. But not too cute to eat. In fact, it's too cute NOT to eat. Look, I don't have to make sense, it's a goddamn Ewok cake and I need to nom it RIGHT NOW.

Words Of Win
* So I think Heroes is canceled (the information is confusing and contradictory, and Greg Grunberg keeps saying it isn't, and I suspect NBC doesn't really know, or they're worried Zachary Quinto will get into method acting and try to study their brains).

Which is too bad, because for a while it was a brilliant show with much awesome and sexy guys angsting all over the place. Which I enjoy. I hope they do a TV movie series finale, because the show deserves a good send-off. And maybe Christopher Eccleston will come back with his pigeons. A girl can dream. But I digress:

I think if Sylar and Peter had just hugged more, the show would have remained good. PS Claire annoys me.

Childhood!Fail
* It's not unplugged, is it?

[Found at Friggin Random]
Nope, it totally isn't unplugged. Who wants to field trip to the hospital?

Daily Hot Guy

[James Marsters, who is inarguable proof that an English accent makes even hot guys hotter. It's inexplicable, and unquestionable. Anyway, he's in a suit, and if you pretend he's speaking to you in a British accent, life is quite wonderful.]

Daily Icon

[Xena, who hung out with Bruce Campbell, which is even FURTHER proof she's a goddess.]

Iron Man 2
* Hopefully you've seen it by now, and SAM ROCKWELL was in it, which I knew and then forgot about, because I am a terrible person. I love Sam Rockwell. I want him to be the villain next time. That would delight me. Anyway, here's a clip:

I saw it twice in one weekend. Actually within 24 hours. Not on purpose. Honest. Tony Stark rules.

Whut?
* Continuing my theory that People Are Awful/Confusing/Frightening, I present Ginormous Mermaid Bosoms On A Tiny Little Girl:

[Found at World Of Wonder]
I'm not even going into 'Mermaid Assistant.'

Doctor Who
* The Doctor in LEGO form! Lookit! Nine! With a Banana! Random Capitalization!

[Found at Neatorama]
I miss Nine. I want a Three Doctors with Nine, Ten, and Eleven. Please? I've been a very good girl. In my mind.

True Blood
* True Blood is getting another werewolf this season. And, since it's True Blood, there will be enormous amounts of nudity:

[Found at World of Wonder]
Frankly, as long as Eric Northman shows up and is hot and evil and text messaging people, I don't give a shit what happens.

Supernatural
* Rather than post a review of last night's season finale of Supernatural (as I screamed on Twitter, TOO MANY EMOTIONS TO EXPRESS WITH MERE WORDS, BUT I THINK IT WAS GOOD, YES?), here's a GIF that makes life worth living:

[Swiped from Miss Bushido, who shows me such goodness]

Epic!Win
* This sums up my entire view of internet life:

[Found at Very Demotivational]

Books
* Sigh..... Here's a review of 1984 from Amazon:

At first I did like the book. Then it just started to suck right around the time when Winston was getting sexually involved with his girl friend. I hated the book so much that I forgot her name. The first hundred or so pages i liked, then it just got really boring. So II highly reccomend that you DO NOT READ THIS BOOK. And please for the love of God don't read that "Brave New World" book by Hoxley. It is twice as worse as 1984. To put it bluntly, DON'T READ ANY GEORGE ORWELL. Your just waisting your time.

You misspelled 'Huxley.' And you used the incorrect form of 'your.' And I hate you. I hate you so much. Frankly, I don't think George Orwell WANTS you to like his book. There's a review of A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, but it made me feel violent and shouty, so click the link to read it.

Stupidity should be painful. Wait, is that why I have a sinus headache? DON'T ANSWER THAT.
- LV

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What Are You Hacking Off? Is It My Torso?! It Is! My Precious Torso!

Blog
* He's going to feel really dumb when he realizes they're actually cutting off his less significant toes. Title is from Futurama.

Books
* Unusual blog entry ahead: I am going to post a list of my comfort books. These are the books I turn to when I'm tired/stressed out/the world seems cold and cruel/we're out of energy drinks. They sustain me. And as a result, I have huge chunks of them memorized. I've read these books so many times that some are onto second or third copies, simply because the original versions fell apart.

Some of these books are funny, some are sad, some are very strange and probably shouldn't be described as 'comforting,' but these are the books I love best when I feel worst. In no order, because what sort of monster do you think I am?

This is part one, because this turned out to be much longer than I anticipated, and anyway now I get two blog entries out of one idea. GENIUS.

* Lonesome Dove, by Larry McMurtry: I was introduced to this epic Western novel years ago, thanks to the mini-series (which is one of the greatest Westerns, ever, END OF CONVERSATION, and even if you don't like Westerns you should see it and read this book) (if you don't like Westerns, I am totally judging you).


The mini-series may also be the reason I had a very, very long-term crush on Tommy Lee Jones, because Woodrow Call is one of the original B.A.M.F. STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT.

It's a beautiful book. It tells a story, with characters you come to love desperately as they make their way to Montana. It breaks your heart. It intertwines lives in unexpected ways. And every time I read it, I want to run off and be a cowgirl.

There's a whole book series, but the original really is the best, and as for the other movies, David Arquette was in one, and I do NOT wish to discuss that, because it hurts my SOUL.

Oh, and if Woodrow F. Call is unavailable, I'll take July Johnson. He got no love in the book, and that made me sad. And he's played by Chris Cooper in the mini-series. Hell, you know what? Watch the mini-series, then read the book. I'll allow it, this one time.

This is one of the books that fell apart. Badly. I still have the old, broken copy, but one day the pages summarily threw themselves from the book in a desperate bid for freedom.

* A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, by Betty Smith: I've loved this book since I was little, and it's part of the reason I wanted to live in New York.

The problem is, THIS is the New York I imagined, and I got there and realized everyone else wanted to live in Sex & The City, so there was no time for heartbreaking, beautiful stories about poor families and the lives they lead, because we're all talking about BAGS AND ORGASMS, GOD THIS SPECIES IS SHAMEFUL SOMETIMES.

Ahem. The last line of this book makes me cry, every time, because I am always sad that the book is over.

* The Club Dumas, by Arturo Perez-Reverte: This was a movie too, and I was super excited, because I freaking love this book so hard, and the movie was directed by Roman Polanski and starred Johnny Depp.

Unfortunately, that movie ended up being The Ninth Gate, and while Johnny Depp has never been more attractive to me, because I like shabby bastards, the movie was sort of not remotely good.

Even the trailer makes me sad, because Johnny Depp is looking very hot, and Roman Polanski is a brilliant director, and the book is fantastic. But skip the movie, which makes very little sense at all, and I have to wonder if the screenplay simply didn't translate from Spanish, or to Spanish, or something, because really WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?

The book is about a terribly immoral, duplicitous rare book dealer who gets mixed up in a bizarre retelling of The Three Musketeers while searching for a book that will supposedly raise the devil. Lucas Corso is a twisted, fucked-up shell of a man, and one of my very favorite characters.

And I may own a copy of The Ninth Gate, but for SCIENCE AND RESEARCH, people. I am a student of the human condition. And Johnny Depp as a chain-smoking rare-books dealer is a very happy idea.

Edit: Is this book out of print? IS IT? I can't seem to find it on Amazon, and that is worrisome, because it is in my opinion Perez-Reverte's best book, and I don't want it to be out of print, DAMMIT.

Edit 2: It's not out of print, so go buy it, quick, before it TOTALLY IS.

* Phineas Poe, by Will Christopher Baer: OK, this is a cheat, because it's really three books in one big-ass volume of insane brilliance. You get Kiss Me Judas, Penny Dreadful, and Hell's Half-Acre, which make up the Phineas Poe trilogy, and Phineas Poe is one of the best names ever, right? He's a fucked-up former detective, maybe, whose wife was possibly murdered, but she's definitely dead, we think. And there are assassins and crooked cops and snuff films and drugs and sex and violence and true love and botched surgeries and games where the losers end up dead.

I wish I could accurately describe these books, but they are a surreal, beautiful, acid trip. The writing is gorgeous and disgusting. Just when you think the book is delving into the macabre solely for the shock factor, Baer will deliver a line that is so funny or heartbreaking - or both - that you're tempted to go back to the beginning to revisit every exquisitely painful moment.

Another one of my favorite last lines, which I don't think is in the original publication of Hell's Half Acre, and in my opinion it makes the book.

PS Baer's next novel, Godspeed, was supposed to come out in 2006. I remember. I was working at Barnes & Nobles, where I later got into trouble for suggesting every single customer buy Crooked Little Vein by Warren Ellis. Especially children.

Anyway, it is 2010, and Godspeed still has not come out, and nobody will tell me why, and I waited for MONTHS and called the company we ordered from so many times that they refused to answer my extension, and I JUST WANT TO READ MORE OF HIS WORDS, WHAT THE HELL? DANIELLE STEELE HAS BOOKS FALLING OUT OF HER ASS (no offense to Ms. Steele, I wish I was as prolific/successful as her, and anyway I haven't read one of her books, um, ever), AND HIS LAST BOOK WAS IN 2005. LOOK HOW ANGRY THIS MAKES ME. I WILL WRECK THIS BLOG WITH MY ANGER. METAPHORICALLY.

PPSS I love you, Mr. Baer, and do not blame you, unless this is your doing, in which case I blame you a LOT.

PPPSSS OK, Phineas Poe is unavailable on Amazon, but is available for a disgustingly cheap price on Deep Discount, and you should buy it. Read this:

I must be dead for there is nothing but blue snow and the furious silence of a gunshot. Two birds crash blindly against the glass surface of a lake. I'm cold, religiously cold.

That's just the first fucking LINES, MAN. I think I need to go read it again.

- LV

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I'm Not Gonna Die In A Hospital Where The Nurses Aren't Even Hot.

Blog
* That's the spirit, Dean! Title is from Supernatural.

Girly Shit
* As if it wasn't vaguely shameful enough to shop at Urban Outfitters (look, they have some seriously cute clothing, but there is a STIGMA to shopping there, and this isn't HELPING:

[Found at Jezebel]
The shirt color is Obama/Black? There is no joke I could make here more hideous than that fact.

Comics
* I've been reading The Boys since day 1, when I MET Garth Ennis and Darick Robertson at the release of the comic, and they were EVERYTHING I imagined and hoped they'd be, and a HAMSTER gets raped to death in this series, and that's one of the nicer things. SO GO READ THE DAMN COMIC.

Books
* So kids have to choose between reading about Robert 'Sparkly!Crotch' Pattinson (who, personal preferences aside, hasn't really DONE enough to warrant a biography, HAS HE?) or Barbara 'Crazy!Pants Gimme My Cocoa And Change My Diaper' Walters? (who, ignoring the fact that I just don't like her, should probably have retired when she started FONDLING guests on her show (THIS HAS HAPPENED AND I WILL YOUTUBE IT IF YOU DOUBT ME))?

Remember when you had to read biographies of people like George Washington?

Food!Win
* This is going to be my wedding cake. And my birthday cake. And every other cake in my life:

[Found at This Is Why You're Fat]

A bed of brown sugar and butter topped by a layer of 12 mini doughnuts baked inside of cake mix and topped with heavy whipping cream and brown sugar.

Daily Hot Guy

[Chris Pine. WITH NERD GLASSES]

Did you watch Human Target last night? Didn't the monk look like the President?
- LV

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That Was So Easy. I'm Embarrassed For You.

Blog
* There is NO SHAME in being disarmed by Dean Winchester. And.... cue the dirty jokes. Title is from Supernatural.

Girly Want
* I keep wavering on this one. On one hand, it is dumb and uncomfortable and probably hard to move in. On the other hand, I COULD EAT MY CLOTHES:
[Found at Best Week Ever]
See, this is the way to win Dean Winchester's heart. Wear a CHOCOLATE DRESS. And, if that doesn't work, you can eat your OWN CLOTHES. Couture SNACKS. But it's so dumb. But I don't care.


Comics
* Once again, the Comics Curmudgeon finds humor in the vast, unfunny wasteland of Funk Winkerbean. And hideous thigh shapes.

Books
* She Silverstein was a bad-ass motherfucker who wrote some of the funniest, most twisted shit out there, and I love him, and The Giving Tree makes everyone cry. It's a good way to test for Terminators: 'Did you get a little teary The Giving Tree?' 'No?' 'HE'S A ROBOT.' Read here about how Shel Silverstein managed to write for Playboy AND Lafcadio.

Food!Win
* SWEET JESUS' LAYERED CAKE OF RAINBOW DELIGHT:

[Found at This Is Why You're Fat]
THAT THERE IS TEN LAYERS OF SUGARY HEAVEN.

Want
* Now, this is some CLASSY video game action here:

[Found at Nerd Approved]
Pac Man holds your books and eats your TV, and if your guests aren't into video games, you tell them it's post-modern meta-art, and they'll be all impressed! WIN WIN.

Daily Hot Guy

[Jeffrey Dean Morgan, AKA Father Winchester from Supernatural, AKA The Comedian from Watchmen. I've never seen him in a suit before. It's sort of life-changing.]

Daily Icon
* Inspired by my friend and icon in her own right, Millarca, here's a new category, where we honor the women who we want to be when, and if, we ever grow up
[Sophia Loren, who combines classy with sexy with utter fierceness, AND I want those gloves. And that hat.]

[Liza Minnelli, who did this AND Arrested Development, and rocked them both without breaking a sweat.]

[Joan Didion, one of my favorite authors, and a tough old bitch if there ever was one.]

[Katharine Hepburn doesn't have time for your bullshit]

[Dolly Parton, for whom I sat through an episode of Hannah Montana, AND SHE SANG AND IT WAS WORTH IT, GUYS]

And, some Icons In The Making:
[Dita Von Teese]


[Lady Gaga]
Many more will be in this category. If you have suggestions, Email me. But Millarca gets first pick. AND YOU WILL BE GRATEFUL FOR THAT.

OK, stuff to do.
- LV

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You're Always Saying Pansy Stuff Like That.

Blog
* You do have a habit of saying the 'pansy stuff,' Sam. Truth hurts. Title is from Supernatural.

Girly Shit
* This was not the first thing I needed to see Monday morning:

[Found at Shoe Lust]
I... it's too early. Do I want this shoe? Do I hate this shoe? Are parts of this shoe edible? It's too damn early.

Music
* I have had this song stuck in my head for two days now, and I don't even LIKE Beyonce:

It's starting to drive me insane. Or, more insane.

Movie!Fail
* They're making a Scream 4. I need to know why. Scream 3 sucked so bad it physically hurt. Scream 2 was a fun, stupid sequel, and Scream made me terrified of plate glass windows and phones. Scream 4 will no doubt destroy society, cause California to sink into the ocean, and mark the End Times.

And don't even get me started on An American Werewolf in London redux, because I WILL BREAK THE INTERNET WITH MY ANGER. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS? DO NOT REMAKE THIS MOVIE.

Comics
* Dear Marvel Smartass:
You rock.
Love, FEAR AND LOATHING

Books
* How awesome is this? It's a letter from Kurt Vonnegut, after he was a POW in Germany. I love and miss Kurt Vonnegut. He was a genius. I want to reread Breakfast of Champions.

Food!Win
* DUDE, THIS IS BIGGER THAN MY HEAD:

[Found at This Is Why You're Fat]

Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.
Shrek: No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

Specifically, is is a cheesecake parfait, but there aren't any funny quotes about that.

Daily Hot Guy

[Chris Barrie, AKA Rimmer from Red Dwarf, very muddy and on the left, shown here in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, which is either very funny, or very sad, but I will always love him for yelling, 'SMEGHEAD' and kicking Death in the nuts. How could I not?]

Moment Of Win

see more Epic Fails

Words Of Win

[Found at Unique Daily]

Torchwood
* I need this action figure, and I will take NO MOCKERY for this fact:

[Found at Discount Anime Toys]
IT'S IANTO JONES, BITCHES.

People I Love
* NEIL PATRICK HARRIS ON SESAME STREET:

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS ON SESAME STREET. *cue epic arm!flail of JOY*

Seriously, my face HURTS from grinning.

OK, it's a rainy Monday, and frankly it should be spent sleeping and watching bad movies. But some of us have work. LIFE IS HARD.
- LV

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Monsters Do Not Behave Themselves. That's The Whole Idea!

Blog
* Monsters have ALL the fun. But no quiche. Title is from Bone.

Help For Haiti
Friends who are doing great things by using their stores to help those in Haiti.

* GrrrlShapedYarns is donating all the proceeds from her shop this month to Doctors Without Borders to help out in Haiti. So you get gorgeous yarn, which I want to own ALL of, AND to donate to a good cause. Win win!

* Little Red Bicycle is also donating all proceeds to Doctors Without Borders and the Red Cross to help Haiti. AND you can get patterns. AND they had Bela Lugosi yarn. But it's gone now. No fault of mine.

* YBerry is donating 25% of her proceeds to Doctor Without Borders, and has free shipping, AND you can buy the glorious silk yarn and make pretty things.

WTF, INTERNET?
* So, men and women are very different, biologically (and emotionally, but that's another entry). We appreciate this, and celebrate our differences. But, as a woman, maybe there are a few things I just never really understood/thought about:

[Found at World of Wonder]
This is a deoderant line for men's testicles. Um, is this... is this a big problem for guys? Does this happen often? I must confess, I never thought about this as an issue for men. AND NOW I AM. I AM SITTING HERE, DRINKING COFFEE AND THINKING ABOUT THESE THINGS. It is too early for such musings, and to be honest, men's bits are not my problem.

And because I am SURE someone will say it, yes, I agree that using deoderizing soaps on your unmentionables could lead to some awkward encounters.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, INTERNET. I HOPE YOU'RE PLEASED WITH YOURSELF. GOD DAMN, WHERE'S MY COFFEE?

Girly Want
* I can't imagine a time when I would NOT wear these shoes:

[Found at ShoeLust]
They are lacy and black and sexy, and look at those heels! Work, dates, doctor's appointments - EVERY event in life calls for shoes like these. They make me happy.

Music
* Batgirl as Prince in Purple Rain?

[Found at World Famous Design Junkies]
Sure. Why not? Here are other albums recast with comic characters.

Movie!Fail
* Look, unless Matthew 'Alrightalrightalright' McConaughey is in Dazed & Confused, he is not allowed to act. That is law. Here. Right now. And I absolutely had a crush on Tommy Lee Jones in Lonesome Dove (SHUT UP, so did you, he was a cowboy and he was angsty and had secrets, so shut up, NAYSAYERS), so I do not want him to damage his career by mixing with subpar actors. I mean, did you SEE Man of the House? I did not, which is why I am not in some sort of institution as we speak.

Daily Hot Guy(s)

[Jackie Earle Haley, Patrick Wilson, AND Jeffrey Dean Morgan. WHAT were you saying about Watchmen having no redeeming qualities? Yeah, that's what I thought. MY FANDOM HAS THE HOT ACTORS. AND Jeffrey Dean Morgan spawned the Supernatural boys, which means... GASP! Laurie has two half-brothers who fight demons! So they go and destroy Dr. Manhattan, and Dean and Rorschach fight over pie, and Sam and Daniel cry in the basement- Yeah, I need more coffee, don't I?]

Comics
* Did you hear Robert 'SparklyPants' Pattinson is going to be in the reboot of Spider-Man? (And I don't think reboot is the right term, but screw it, who am I to argue with the INTERNET?) Well, that just about wraps it up for Spidey, in my book (although think about it - how funny would Spider-Man 3 have been if R Patz had been infected by the evil Venom alien stuff? A MISSED COMEDY MOMENT).

Anyway, I don't know if that rumor's true our not. I've heard it is, and I've heard it isn't. And I sort of don't care anymore. It's a good rumor, right? If it's true, we will be witness to the utter destruction of a movie franchise (this has less to do with R Patz being a bad actor - he hasn't really had a chance to prove either way (I will give him a pass on Sparkly!Pants movies, because NOBODY gets out of those untarnished, save for Peter Facinelli, who is idiotically attractive) and more to do with his being miscast beyond human comprehension). If it isn't true, maybe Spider-Man 4 will be good, right? WHO KNOWS? NOTHING MAKES SENSE IN THE CRAZY FUTURE YEAR OF 2010.

Moment Of Win
* Ha! Liars:

see more Epic Fails

Books
* I tend to abuse capslocks, and internet-shout often. But some things upset me and anger me and destroy my faith in humanity so completely, that even capslocks cannot express my disgust with everyone. Behold:

[Found at Topless Robot]
This is a book. Specifically, it is Dante's Inferno, one of my favorite books, and a beautiful piece of literature. It has been made into a video game (which, if it follows the text closely, would be the weirdest/most brain-crunchingly weird experience ever, but I doubt that). The video game's cover is now on the book.
So they took one of the most significant pieces of literature ever (in my opinion), and made it look like 300 2: Everyone Is Going Into The Pit Of Death This Time.

Well, that just about wraps it up for humanity.

I'm going to go soak my head.
- LV

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TERRORTACULAR

Note: For those of you following me on Twitter, I present the SUPER AWESOME SURPRISE OF THE WEEK:

Writer Stina, horror goddess, techno-wizard, finder of the awesome and the terrifying (and doler out of both) (Doler is now a word. Pass it on) is FEAR AND LOATHING'S first ever guest blogger. If you aren't reading Naps in the Library, you will not be spared when she becomes our overlord. So, I turn over the reins to Stina. Enjoy, and bow before her awe-inspiring awesome.

Words of Win
I decided to try the whole "Google, how about you go ahead and tell me what I'm searching for" thing, and came up with the most frightening thing in existence. Call me a horror writer if you like, but I've never been able to top something this terrifying.


Google knows fear. Do not doubt the Google.

Ad!Win
Technically, this isn't a real ad, but if it was, I would buy this 300 CD set.




I am the master of segues. Fear my mad segue skillz.

Inspiration!
David Wong is actually Jason Pargin of Illinois who, way back in the day, posted a little horror story on his blog for Halloween. The piece was a hit, and after receiving a large number of emails asking when the next installment would be, Pargin decided to keep writing.

This turned into a novel that was published by Permuted Press, a little publishing company that put the book out there for the world where Bubba Ho-Tep director/producer Don Coscarelli bought the film rights. It was then picked up by St. Martin's Press and re-released in
hardcover.

This right here is proof that if we have stories to tell, we can do it. Find out more about John
Dies at the End and give it a read. It's hilarious and terrifying. Also, there's a drug called "Soy Sauce" and a dog drives a pickup truck through a trailer after David talks to a bratwurst.

Trust me on this. BUY IT NOW.

Books

You want another seriously fantastic horror series to sink your teeth into? Well, if you're familiar with comic books at all (and knowing the type of readers that are usually on this blog, I'm wagering that you are... there's a good little comic fan!), the name Mike Carey will strike a chord with you. His works include The
Sandman, Lucifer, and Hellblazer to name a few (click here for a full list), but what Carey really impressed me with was a novel I stumbled across at a bookstore a couple of years ago and am
rediscovering now.



The lovely and talented Danielle Lavigne (who is a gorgeous human being all the way around) did a fabulous interview with Mike Carey for Octocon. This book helped me to finish my own
novel, and pumped me so full of evil ideas that I was writing like a madwoman. Well, moreso than usual. The second book in the series is just as fantastic, and I just received the third in the mail not too long ago, so I'm rereading them all.

Daily Hot Guy(s)

That's right. When Stina takes over, you get two. But, there is a price. You have to deal with my mini-rant.

VAMPIRES ARE NOT SPARKLING, MOPEY, WHINY LITTLE BITCH BOYS. THEY ARE
ALSO NOT KEANU-IN-THE-MATRIX-MEETS-WESLEY-SNIPES-IN-BLADE-MEETS-URBAN-FANTASY-FABIO-PARTING-CROWDS-OF-HUMANS-LIKE-CHARLTON-HESTON-PARTING-THE-RED-SEA-IN-THE-TEN-COMMANDMENTS.

Ahem.

So, since we've established that neither the Edward Cullen mold nor the KeanuBladeFabioHeston hell-hybrid, what exactly IS a vampire? CAN a vampire be sexy now that SparkleButt and KBFH have been eliminated?

Yes. Yes they can.

Exhibit A: The dramatic European-style vampire as played by Gerard Butler in Dracula 2000.

The man is Scottish. He has a Scottish accent. Excuse me while I go melt into a puddle.

Exhibit B: The legitimate bad-ass American vampire ready to rock your face off as played by Kiefer Sutherland in The Lost Boys.

I will totally eat Chinese food with you, lil' Kief.

I would like to draw attention to the fact that both of these vampires have FANGS, since VAMPIRES are SUPPOSED to have POINTY TEETH. SEE MY EXHIBITS C AND D WHILE I CONTINUE TO ABUSE THE CAPS LOCK.


Dracula has chompers!


Even Kief has teef! Er... teeth.

That's enough insanity for one day. If you enjoy my madness, pleasefeel free to visit me at the woefully-neglected-for-the-past-two-weeks Naps in the Library, and check out Monsters Under the Bed for random spurts of horror.

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Who Dares To Soil My Normal Boy Head With This PORK COW?!

Blog
* Pork cow sounds AWESOME. Title is from Invader Zim.

Movie!Fail
* Blake Lively is going to be Carol Ferris in the Green Lantern movie. I like Blake Lively, but seriously. MISCAST? She looks nothing like Carol Ferris. NOTHING AT ALL. And she seems way too young. I know she's not really in high school, but come on! She's still too young. This is like when Kate Bosworth was cast as Lois Lane. You can't be a reporter when you're still in middle school.
This is Carol Ferris:

[Found at Slash Film]
MISCAST. I STAND BY IT.

Comics
* Here are the ten comic books you should be following in 2010, according to Newsarama. I'm especially looking forward to new work by Alan Moore and Alan Moore's beard, the conclusion of Ex Machina, and Choker with art by Ben Templesmith.

Words Of Win
* I love this guy, and would like to buy him a drink:

On Tuesday, a 19-year-old man was arrested for running through Stateline Casino naked, claiming he is a Terminator who had traveled back in time from the future.

Then he went into the children's arcade.

Moment Of Win

see more Epic Fails

Daily Hot Guy

[Alan Tudyk, AKA Alpha Wash, AKA Stop Killing Him, You Bastards, holding a lightsaber and wearing a floppy white hat. Yeah, I have no idea what's going on here. I'm going to pretend it's a still from the Arrested Development movie.

Books
* The book is always different from the movie. Always. Not necessarily better (OK, it usually is, but I can think up several examples where I preferred the movie. Just saying), but invariably different. Everyone knows that. Even Mad Magazine:

[Found at Boing Boing]
I want to see the werewolf romantic comedy!

Food!Win
* OMG IT IS MONDAY AND I WANT CHOCOLATE BUTTERSCOTCH BROWNIES RIGHT NOW. THIS SECOND:

[Found at CakeSpy]
No, really, I think I need these in order to be a functioning human being. LOOK, I'll make it easy: You get the ingredients, I'LL make them. You get none of them, but you can smell them as they cook. BUTTERSCOTCH BROWNIES.
Is it really Monday? Where's the caffeine drip?

Nostalgia!Win
* CRAYONS YOU CAN EAT. They are made out of fruits and vegetables, and you can eat them:

[Found at Incredible Things]
Now they need to make an edible glue stick. Because the Glue Stick Eating Kid in my preschool always looked sad as he surreptitiously NOMMed on his stolen glue sticks. I always felt bad for him. Until he went to MIT. At 15.

Want
* OH MY GOD VLAD THE IMPALER ACTION FIGURE? YES. CRAZY AND WEIRD AND RANDOM, BUT EPIC WANT:

[Found at Nerd Approved]
It's $300.00, which is a lot of money, but it doesn't come out until August. A lot could happen by then. I could win the lottery! Or rob a bank. Or.... um... get nice presents from my friends?

Whut?
* Yeah, I can't pretend to understand why anyone would do this to a baby:

[Found at Unique Daily]
Where do you find a suit for babies? DO THEY MAKE THOSE NOW?

If anyone says, 'a case of the Mondays,' I am legally allowed to hit them with a stapler.

- LV

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