No, GIR, These Pigs Are For Science! SCIENCE!

Blog
I MISS my Invader Zim DVDs, dammit. Also I'd like a tiny piggy. Title is from Invader Zim, in case you missed that.

Watchmen
* Have I posted this Watchmen comic summary?

[Found at the International Society of Supervillains]
It's very disturbing.

Comics
* I love Joe Hill, and I love comics, so when he writes comics there is no negativity to be found. Plus the Lovecraftian angle is massively entertaining:

[Found at Joe Hill Fiction]
Of course, my local comic book store does not CARRY these comics, and the one that does is far away and if I go in while wearing a skirt there's a serious chance of one of the clerks stroking, because females don't read books with PICTURES, HAHA. God, I hate this town sometimes.

Words Of Win

...with the news that Mexico’s navy uncovered more than one ton of cocaine hidden inside frozen shark carcasses, humans have now done every possible thing there is to do in the world.

Welp, we had a good run, did we not? I for one enjoyed the clothes, and some of the people, and energy drinks. WHO looks at sharks, and thinks cocaine? Similarly, what sick bastard dreams of stuffing dead sharks with cocaine? WHAT IS GOING ON?! It must be Thursday. I could never get the hang of Thursdays.

Inglourious Basterds
* I take a lot of shit from my beloved and well-meaning friends over my Quentin Tarantino love. It's easy to ignore, because true love is BEYOND their petty jealousy, and I've been hearing the same shit since I was twelve, so I'm immune. But when one of my friends sent me a link with the words, 'What the HELL is your fiancee wearing?" I felt cold, clammy fear:

[Found at Go Fug Yourself]
Oh, honey, NO. WHY? It HURTS me so. Clearly, you are just trying to steer my attention away from Jackie Earle Haley and your friend Tim Roth, who does not GO OUT IN PUBLIC DRESSED WITH FROGS ON HIM.
I have decided to endorse the following explanation:

Or is it possible that he overslept and ran to the Spike Awards having forgotten to change out of his pajama top? Because the truth of the matter is, I love the idea of QT wandering around his house in these jammies that look like this. It just sounds so RIGHT.

It does sound right. It sounds wonderful. Oh, QT, our love defies such petty things as distance, or reality, or hideous fashion choices, or my friends' accurate statement that 'He looks like an expensive sausage' or ANY of it. Because I've had a crush on you since I was twelve, and some things are DOOMED.
But then again, my mother loves frogs, so perhaps this is all a clever plan to win over my mom, who finds my love for you 'weird and gross'? BRILLIANT, SIR. MAKE ANOTHER FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, PLEASE.

Daily Hot Guy

[Zack Snyder, AKA Hottest Director Around. I was considering leaving Quentin Tarantino as today's DHG, but even I, who admit I have a CRUSH, don't think that picture is the best example of his win. So here's a very hot director, and if anyone could find me a picture of Snyder and Tarantino together, I will be your best friend. In theory.]

Life Lessons
* This blog does not have a good history with Venn Diagrams, but I like this one, so let's try it again, SHALL WE?

[Found at Neatorama]
For what it's worth, I'm against any pet that seems interested in chewing on your childs' head. I am FIRM on that matter.

Sherlock Holmes
* Gareth David-Lloyd is Watson in a Sherlock Holmes adaptation. His mustache is tiny and makes me sad, but his suit makes me happy, and as someone who has read everything Sir Arthur Conan Doyle wrote, multiple times, and ALSO loves Gareth David-Lloyd, you will find NO SNARK from me here. Even if there is a freaking T-Rex, which is NOT what Sir Arthur Conan Doyle had in mind, and WHO WROTE THIS? I NEED TO SPEAK TO THE AUTHOR.

Celebrity!Fail
* Is today director's day on my blog? It must be. And no, Quentin could never go in this category. THE MAN WROTE TRUE ROMANCE. KNEEL BEFORE HIM.
Anyway, what the fuck is Spike Lee wearing on his head?

[Found at Best Week Ever]
Keep him away from Quentin. The man has enough issues without putting THIS on his massive, massive head.

Whut?
* Yeah, this category is for shit I do not understand. I don't know:

[Found at World Of Wonder]
Really, I have no fucking clue. It's a barbell with LEGS.

Oh, and this is both a tribute to the brilliant and lovely Miss Banshee, who made this, and a gift to my friend who is having a long day:


Time to go kick Thursday in the nuts. Better wear cute shoes...
- LV

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I Can Finally Build That Lake House, & I'll Run Around Naked All Day

Blog
* I will not be visiting your lake house. Title is from Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law.

Politics
* Remember when the President made one of his Very Important Speeches? And everyone was talking about Bobby Jindal, who would strike terror into the hearts of liberals everywhere? And recharge the Republican party? And then he came out, and nobody could understand what the hell he was talking about, and he seemed like a wet noodle, and everyone was like, all, never mind?

Well, Bobby Jindal hates ACORN too, and is cutting their funding, because they are EVIL, not that they had any funding ANYWAY, but he wants to cut their funding, damn it, and wants you to know about it. So now you know.

Food
* Do you love cakes? Of course you do. Do you love Threadless T-Shirts? Well, OBVIOUSLY. Everyone does. So why has it taken someone so long to combine the two? Let's not dwell on the negative. Suffice it to say, someone took this shirt:

[Found at Threadless]
And turned it into this culinary masterpiece:

[Found at Thread Cakes]
There is a whole website for this contest, but this one was my favorite. Now I want to eat shirts. What? There's precious little caffeine in my system right now.

Celebrity!Fail
* This is one of those incidents where it's not just the celebrity's fault, but 'Normal People Fail' doesn't have the same ring, does it? Here's what happened:
Jane Smith, who is on Hung, and who I like a lot (in no small part because she is the Saddest Person Ever in pretty much every role)was at a restaurant, couldn't pay her check, and didn't tip her waiter. Her waiter, annoyed, Twittered about it. She saw it and complained. he got fired, the end.
Now, as an actor, you need to totally get over the fact that if you do something lame, (like not tipping your waiter) people will be annoyed, and most likely complain about it. Get over it. You ALWAYS tip your waiter, unless you're Steve Buscemi in Reservoir Dogs, but that's totally different. And fictional.
And if you're someone in the service industry with any common sense, you don't whine about specific celebrities BY NAME on a public communication network like Twitter. Because there will be REPERCUSSIONS.
In conclusion, everyone calm the hell down. It's not a big deal. We will all survive this. Remember to tip your waiters.

Zombies
* I am seeing Zombieland today. FINALLY. And soon Walking Dead will be on TV, and life will be GOOD, as we all come to terms with the imminent menace facing humanity. Here's an interview where Robert Kirkman, writer of the epic comic series, discusses the show. It fills me with GLEE. Not the show, Glee. Although now I'm imagining Rachel fighting zombies, and it's FANTASTIC.

Apocalypse How?
* Speaking of zombies, (and really, aren't we always) guns are generally accepted as the weapon of choice against the undead (but remember, hand-to-hand combat weapons are vital, and should not be ignored in your arsenal), apparently America has a shitload of guns, but NO BULLETS. NO BULLETS AT ALL. So unless you plan on overpowering an army of zombies by hitting them repeatedly on the head, this would be a good time to panic, or maybe start making your own bullets. I have no idea how to do this. Do the Winchester brothers know? Who has their number?

Daily Hot Guy(s)

[Milo Ventimiglia (I SPELLED IT RIGH) and Adrian Pasdar, AKA Peter and Nathan Petrelli from Heroes. Peter is annoying me so much less this season, which is nice. And Nathan is such a scumbag that I find him rather attractive (especially this season, for obvious reasons. But mostly I like this picture because I shriek BROMANCE IS CANON, then run off giggling like a dork, simply to annoy other Heroes fans.]

Epic!Fail
* Some lady was driving home, and some kids asked her to splash them with a puddle. She did so, much to their delight. Now she may be facing charges because water ruins the lives of children everywhere. And fun. Fun is frowned upon. And, you know, cherished memories, joys, laughter....

OK, more later, if you're lucky, because it is a rainy day and there is MUCH to do.
- LV

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She Undercut The Subtle Nuance Of My Wiener Joke!

Blog
* Title is from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Celebrity!Fail
* I had a great day yesterday. And I will discuss it at a later date, when I'm awake, and have enough caffeine in my system to function.
I'm saying this because I want you to understand that I am not showing you this video out of malice:

But it's Monday, and if that isn't the right time for Shaquille O'Neal to frighten the masses with his neon pink Speedo, I don't know what is.

Zombies
* Patrick Swayze was almost in Zombieland, spoofing Ghost. I didn't like Ghost that much, but Point Break is one of the best action movies ever made, and then Hot Fuzz made fun of it, and I loved it even more. And I still haven't seen Zombieland, which I will rectify this week.

Apocalypse How?
* We're making crises faster than we can solve them. So we're sort of overachievers. This should comfort us as we doom our species to extinction. I guess. I'm in too good a mood to be worried about the doom. You guys worry about it.

Conventions
* So the New York Comic Con is joining forces with the New York Anime Festival. This should be interesting. While there are a goodly number of fans that overlap in their loves of anime and comics, there will definitely be some strange interactions between the hardcore Manga fans and the uber-devoted classic comic fans. I hope some sociologists attend, for research.

Daily Hot Guy

[Clive Owen, who I sort of loved in Sin City, and was great in Croupier, but who I cannot think of in any role besides Shoot 'Em Up, because he KILLED SOMEONE WITH A CARROT. Requested by Kristamaru, who uses celery with terrifying and deadly force.]

Dollhouse
* I told you I'd catch up on Dollhouse, and I did. I thought Instinct showed some surprisingly good acting from Eliza Dushku (mainly the scene where Echo asks if she can be the mother), and in Belle Chose, I have decided that Enver Gjokaj may be the best actor on the show as Victor. Did you see him as Kiki? It was genius. Truly. Dude wins all the internets. Here's an interview with Joss Whedon. I still have faith in you, Mr. Whedon. And ALPHA WASH IS COMING BACK. And TV will be good again.

Epic!Fail
* The following is a list of people whose support of Roman Polanski makes me very, very sad:
Terry Zwigoff, Wim Wenders, Woody Allen, Pedro Almodovar, Wes Anderson, Darren Aronofsky, Monica Bellucci, Gael Garcia Bernal, Bernardo Bertolucci, Guillermo del Toro, Stephen Frears, Terry Gilliam, Emma Thompson, Salman Rushdie, Paul Auster, Jeremy Irons, Tilda Swinton....
There are a lot more, but after Tilda Swinton I stopped looking.

Books
* I love how angry fonts make some people. Especially Comic Sans. Which Watchmen did not invent. Because that would be awful.

Childhood!Fail
* Kids have changed:

Wyoming police say an 11-year-old boy driving a large SUV led officers on a high speed chase reaching speeds of 100 mph.

The boy ditched the vehicle and jumped into a lake and began swimming but returned to shore where police collared him.

When I was eleven, I thought I was a rebel for staying up late to watch Are You Afraid Of The Dark?

OK, must go do things now. It is Monday, after all.
- LV

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Neil, It's Your Grief Counselors. We've Come To Hug.

Blog
* Dean Winchester giving out free hugs? Totally worth zombie attacks. Title is from Supernatural.

* Michelle is my friend, but she's also an obscenely talented artist. Like, sometimes I look at her work, and think, 'dammit, why can't I draw ANYTHING?' My favorite is probably her drawing of Death. She's nearing 10,000 pageviews, which is badass, but she deserves many, many more. So go check out her gallery. And be sickened by how great she is.

* I don't know if she drew this because I mentioned them, or if Erin drew this for reasons I cannot begin to comprehend. Either way:

[Drawn by Erin]
I finally, for the first time, comprehend Stephen Colbert's intense hatred and fear of bears. They ARE godless killing machines!

Politics
* Crush videos are fetish movies of people killing small animals, often by 'crushing them.' Yeah, that is all sorts of fucked up The Supreme Court had hearings on crush videos earlier this week. There is NO defending this sort of behavior. But some people are. It is NOT the same as fishing. Fishing doesn't involve smooshing the fish for sexual pleasure, and if it DOES, you are DOING IT WRONG.

* My resolve to ignore Michael Steele because he's sort of an ineffective bozo has faded. Because he keeps talking, and I either A) understand what he's saying and hate him, or B) don't understand him at all, get angry about not understanding, and hate him.

* The band Muse, (brilliant band, incidentally, even if Stephenie Meyers is trying to ruin them for everyone), asked Glenn Beck to retract his endorsement of them and their music. Mr. Beck had stated that he loved the band, and thought everyone should buy the album.

“They would like me to retract my endorsement,” Beck told listeners. “My apologies to Muse for saying that I like them. I didn’t mean to destroy all their credibility and all their coolness.

“It’s an awful album and you should never go out and buy it.”

Um, you all know my issues with Glenn Beck, but I sort of think this is a funny way to respond. Like, it's clever. DAMMIT, GLENN BECK. DO NOT AMUSE ME AND BE UNEXPECTEDLY FUNNY.

Then it turns out, at the end of the article, that Muse never contacted Glenn Beck, OR DID THEY? I don't know. Either way, it's funny because A) The band may or may not have asked Glenn Beck to not sell their music to his fans, and B) Glenn Beck's answer was rather brilliant. There, you happy? I gave credit where it was deserved. Fair and balanced.

Food
* FINALLY. In college, I frequently made the joke that I wanted caffeine to be in powder form so I could roll in it, absorb it through the skin, stay up for two weeks, and finish all my assignments. So this is very gratifying:

[Found at Crunch Gear]

These are Pixy Stix, only with pure, delicious caffeine in them. Each tube has 20% more caffeine than a cup of coffee (of which I am on my third). That is epic. I am going to buy out the entire stock, catch up on all my writing assignments, and RUN across the country.

Celebrity!Fail
* How hard is it to not cheat on your spouse? If you stop liking them, break up with them. Or go to counseling. Whatever. I am not married, so I don't know what it's like to be in that situation. But honestly, I don't think David Letterman deserves any sort of support for admitting he screwed around. It' doesn't make him noble. You shouldn't cheat. Plus he's very old, and sort of gross, yeah? I don't want to think about him doing ANYTHING with ANYONE, ever. That's his punishment. He is now a never-nude.

And yes, his monologue was indeed amusing, but that is HARDLY a defense.

Zombies
* There are great moments in zombie history. You should study them, and learn from the mistakes of others, that you may survive the oncoming apocalypse. Except for Bruce Campbell. He never makes mistakes. It's a gift. And we all know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the original Night Of The Living Dead is the quintessential zombie movie. There is no debating this. It is a fact of life. Like air. Re-Animator made me afraid to own a cat. Or wary of roommates.

Apocalypse How?
* Sometimes a product comes along that is so horrifying, so intrinsically stupid and evil and wrong, that you can point to it and say, 'There. There is when society crumbled beneath our feet.'

And what the hell is wrong with the women at the beginning of this ad? Are they REALLY sad about cake and cupcakes? Are they evil? NOBODY is ever made sad by baked sweets.

And it's a cake. With filling. You don't need to BUY anything to make this. I want to hit someone with the pan. And I know people who want to buy this. It saddens me. Truly, the End is Nigh.

Daily Hot Guy

[Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who was rather a revelation on Third Rock From The Sun, and then was in Mysterious Skin, which was an excellent film I never want to see again, and this picture keeps making me think of Billy Crudup in Watchmen, when he was wearing all those motion-sensor dots. Requested by KaishaBackwards, who needs to explain the dots in this picture.]

Conventions
* As if you needed another reason to go to the Big Apple Comic Con, the New York Geekcast will be there, and you could hang out with them, or get to say hi if nothing else. Maybe I WILL go, after all.

Dollhouse
* I'm sorry, OK? I didn't watch Dollhouse last night. I was watching Lie To Me, and knitting, and I didn't feel like fighting with the members of my household for control over the television, so I didn't, OK? And I still haven't watched last week. This article analyzes why even people like me, who adore Joss Whedon and WANT to love his work, are struggling with Dollhouse.
But I've heard Alpha Wash is returning, and going to kill people, so I will catch up with the show, just for him.
Friend: What would you do if Alpha killed Topher?
Me: I think I'd just go into the fetal position for a while. Why would you suggest such a thing? Joss Whedon hears all!
Friend: That's what you get for making fun of my love of Twilight.
Me: Yeah, but that sucks.

Epic!Fail
* I really, really hate clowns:

So a clown that can start fires, with his mind, is pretty much the end of it all for me. Except maybe a clown-bear-spider. Dennis Quaid as a clown is just wrong. I can't even talk about this anymore.

Books
* The new Iain M. Banks book, Transition, is supposed to be a gorgeous mind-screw, and I intend to buy it today, and write a review. In part because I lost my list of books I've read this year when I changed my Blogger format, and I am saddened by this, because I had over fifty books on that list. And because you can never have enough books. This is truth.

Childhood!Fail

see more Epic Fails

Doctor Who
* Reason number infinity I need to movie to England/Wales/somewhere awesome: I would have already seen the Doctor Who Greatest Moments, as opposed to trolling YouTube for clips, and finding nothing. Anyway, I like English food. What? It's good.

Inglourious Basterds
* I want Quentin Tarantino to make a Western/Gangster/Musical. With Neil Patrick Harris, Tim Roth, Jackie Earle Haley, Jensen Ackles, and... um... Sacha Baron Cohen. Admit it, you'd see that movie. Everyone would see that movie. Even Tarantino haters would rush to this film.
I like this picture of Mr. Tarantino:

And on the Tarantino scale of ugly shirts, this may be one of the best.

OK, enough for now. Much to do. Busy-ness and such.

Tomorrow I may not be able to post a blog entry, because I'm going to have the Best Day Ever, so I will probably post another entry later today, or do a super-duper one Monday, or... something. I don't know. There will be something special tomorrow, to make up for me rushing off to enjoy the Best Day Ever. Yes, it needs capital letters. Some things just do.
- LV

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Did You Pack Mr. Muggles' Doggy Bath?

Blog
* Mr. Muggles is the one running the Heroes universe. I truly believe this. In your heart, you know I am right. Title is from Heroes.

* Michelle has made me want to pet malaria. Truth. You'll only understand if you read her blog. Which you should anyway, because it has got art and NASCAR contempt and fuzzy diseases and laughs in the face of 2012 (the date, not the movie). Also we're psychically related. Except I can't do art, and she has common sense.

* HURRY! EAT IT BEFORE IT EATS ME:

[Drawn by Erin]
Wait... if I eat it, will I become a zombie? Has that plot-line ever been explored? Because I will have zombie in me. So... I want a Twinkie now.

Words of Win
* Oh, wow, I love this dude:

The US Attorney's Office says that Moore sent fraudulent documents to the US Treasury Department and the IRS seeking payments for over $14 trillion.

$14 TRILLION dollars. This guy wishes he was Doctor Evil. Hey, if you're going to steal, steal big, yeah? I salute you, Mr. Trillion. Shine on, you crazy diamond.

Politics
* Now that he no longer has the power to control my life, I don't mind former President George W. Bush. He has sort of disappeared from the public eye, and he pissed off Dick Cheney, which is reason enough to like ANYONE. And the secrets about him aren't that surprising (I wish we could have heard him call people 'cat,' for the funny. But I have to give credit where it's due. Former President called it on Sarah Palin:

"This woman is being put into a position she is not even remotely prepared for," he said. "She hasn’t spent one day on the national level. Neither has her family. Let’s wait and see how she looks five days out."

He also thought Hilary was fat, and would be a fat female President. So maybe somewhat less credit is due.

* I LOATHE CNN. LOATHE IT. Because they do things like this:

[Found at Wonkette]
Racist. End of story. And they JUST ran a story on how broccoli will kill me. Must be watching too much Renegade.

* I know I said I was done yelling about Kanye West, but come on, former President Jimmy Carter pwned him, and that is amazing, and I lurve you Former President jimmy Carter.

* According to Jon Corzine, if you vote for Chris Christie, you will become a big fatty who eats babies, and will maybe eat your babies:

I dislike Christie because, you know, he's against everything I hold dear. And he seems evil. But I do like Corzine's subtle implication that if you vote for Christie, you will end up looking just like him. Ah, Jersey politics...

Food
* This is kugel, or sweet noodle pudding:

[Found at Cake Spy]
It's got noodles and eggs and sugar and vanilla. It is delicious, and I may try to make this, for my tummy.
Oh, and now 'sweet noodle pudding' is my new exclamation of shock.
Friend: Did you hear? America sold the Grand Canyon to Canada!
Me: Sweet Noodle Pudding!

Celebrity!Fail
* Screech, cut this shit out. I know it turned out that you're a horrible bastard, and everyone hates you, and you're STILL angry that you never got as much attention as Mark-Paul Gosselar (AKA Zack) on Saved By The Bell, but you need to move on. You are a mean man. You made everyone cry on Celebrity Fit Club (maybe I watched it, SO?) and Saved By The Bell cannot be perverted. It is a force of pure good, you mean little man. So write your awful book. BRING IT:

[Found at Best Week Ever]
And I just read on Wikipedia that you have a sex tape. And that it ended with a dirty sanchez. If you'll excuse me, I need to go vomit up my will to live.

Daily Hot Guy

[Peter Dinklage, who was banging awesome in Living in Oblivion and The Station Agent, and who I was more than a little in love with during The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. TRUMPKIN IS THE COOLEST DWARF EVER. Except Eddie Izzard, but he was a mouse. Also, Mr. Dinklage is from New Jersey. And his eyes are distracting. What were we talking about?]

Zombies
* MARVEL Zombies, no less:

Yeah. The awesome is almost painful.

Apocalypse How?
* Killer rabbits. Bunnies are killing things. Oh, sure, the bunnies are killing snakes now, but pretty soon they see Monty Python and The Holy Grail, and then we are doomed, because that bunny chewed everyone to DEATH.

But bunnies ruling the world would be so fuzzy.

Russell Brand
* Mr. Brand ensures that November will be a good month:

Go give him and his sexy money. And lalala, I don't hear him dating Katy Perry and her TWEE ANNOYINGNESS. RUSSELL, WHY HAVE YOU HURT ME SO?! Really, he couldn't date someone COOL?

I am rapidly losing patience with Blogger's label limit. SUE THE BASTARDS. SUE THEM A LOT.

It may be time to get my own website, yeah? For monies?
- LV

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Surrender, Small Mammal!

Blog
* I want an excuse to say this in daily life. Title is from Bone.

I really do adore Erin's work, but seriously:

[Drawn by Erin]
Dude, he is like TOO CUTE. I want to HUG the serial killer. My first reaction to Freddy, child killer and twisted bastard, should not be, "DAW! It's OK, Freddy! I shall hug you and love you." He looks so SAD. I love him. He looks chagrined! And his widdle claw! And his HAT! I'm going to blame this on Erin. She's too talented. I want a squeezable Freddy doll. But he's EVIL. But he feels BAD about it! Look how she's confusing me!

* Megan reminds me that Dominic Monaghan is super hot, which reminds me he's going to be on FlashForward with Seth Macfarlane, who's also super-hot and has a voice of PRON, and Joseph Fiennes and John Cho aren't exactly rough on the eyes, and now I'll be in my bunk.

Oh, and Salad Fingers is still scary as hell. You shouldn't be allowed to show those videos anymore.

* DEADPOOL! Theresa is the high priestess of all things Deadpool. I just decided. And she teaches us important lessons, like why Deadpool rules, and how you can break the fourth wall, and that liquor makes Deadpool even meaner! More importantly, I think someone needs a webseries about Widdle Wade and Snuggly Freddy, narrated by Dominic Monaghan.

Vampires
* EW. An energy drink that has the look and nutritional value of blood. Let me say that again, for the cheap seats: EW.

[Found at Geekologie]
And here's the part that really bugs me: It tastes like fruit punch. It has the consistency of BLOOD, but tastes like FRUIT PUNCH. That's disgusting. I don't know why, out of all the ick this product possesses, that the flavor would bother me so intensely.

Let's be clear: This product is either going to be purchased A) as a gag gift for some reason, or B) Because they really, really want to be vampires. Now, the first group doesn't give a shit what it tastes like. It's doubtful they'll drink it, or if they do it will be mixed with booze. The second group wants AUTHENTICITY. Or not fruit-punch flavored synthetic blood. They're more likely to imbibe tomato juice or red wine. It's cheaper, for one thing.

And I know this is all about the vampire craze sweeping the nation (did I just type that?) but you product people are missing the point by a country mile. It doesn't matter if you're bottling real blood and flavoring it with fruit punch. People are going to buy it if Robert Patinson drinks it. I hate to be so crass, but it's the truth. You do a candid shot of the dude slurping down one of those blood-packs, they won't be able to keep them on the shelves.

Although if someone buys this for me, I will drink it. For science. And to freak people out.

Ad!Fail
* I spend a lot of time screaming at my Mac, because it hates me and sometimes just explodes because it's an ornery little shit. But I love it. And while the Mac/PC commercials have been mocked endlessly (as they should be, although Justin Long is pretty adorable), they are the highest echelon of art compared to this ad for Microsoft:

I hate this so much. This makes me want to wreck the internet with my misery. It's awful. This is the worst party ever, including the birthday party I went to as a kid where the magician threw up on the presents. I would never hold a launch party. I like my friends. I would never put them through this. I wouldn't put my ENEMIES through this. I feel sick. I love you, Mac. Never do this to me.

I do need to mention that I would bet good money that the old lady wants to beat the shit out of the young lady. They don't like each other. The video would have been improved by total and insane violence.

Journalism
* Katie Couric's salary is $15 million a year.
NPR spends $11 million a year on its morning AND evening show. COMBINED.
NPR spends $9.4 million on its foreign bureaus.
In other news, the zombie of Edward R. Murrow has been seen rising from the grave and asking for directions to the homes of CBS executives.

Art
* These are gorgeous pictures that remind me of the images they used to show us as kids, where there's an old lady's face and it becomes a young woman's face, and vice versa, only these are smart. And the phrase 'negative space' would be a sick band name:

[Found at SuperBalanced]
I chose this picture because it took me ages to see the picture within the picture, and now that I can I feel very smug.

Watchmen
* I want this lunch box:

[Found by SheepTerror at Urban Collector]
Because, let's face it, you'd rather me clutch the thing and giggle then see your precious children trying to emulate Rorschach, right? So, really, it would be a public SERVICE if I owned one. Keeping this AWAY from your perfect little spawn.... Fuck it. I'll buy it myself.

* Why, when I saw these images, was my first thought, 'I want to bang their heads against a table with GLEE':

[Found at Watchmen Comic Movie]
These are the cutest things on the whole planet. If THEY teamed up with Widdle Freddy.... the world would be a strange and alarming place, and I'm not sure what I'd do anymore. Yes I do. I'd play Little Big Planet, and have Rorschach solve the puzzles of my HEART.

Daily Hot Guy

[John Barrowman, AKA Captain Jack Harkness from Torchwood and Doctor Who. I'm not mad at YOU, Mr. Barrowman. You seem charming and lovely, and are comfortable being naked, and very funny when interviewed, and you are half of my OTP for Torchwood and your kiss with David Tennant features on this blog more often than it really has a reason to. HOWEVER. I am very cross with Captain Harkness, reason: Children of the Earth, and I don't like being angry at fictional characters, because it's INSANE, and kind of pointless. As for you, Mr. Barrowman, I've heard you're quite fabulous in La Cage Aux Folles, and if you're on Desperate Housewives, I'll sit through your episodes, I GUESS. But only because you said the phrase, 'beautiful Welsh vowels.]

Comics
* Um, guys? Why is there a Tim Gunn comic? I know about this, and have for a while. I just... I don't understand. Why is there a comic of him? Who decided this was a good market? Has anyone read this? Was it any good?

A comic about a fashion guru should not raise so many questions.

Tattoo Of Win
* Doesn't this guy look like Shia LeBouf?

[Found at LOLTATZ]
He does, right? Right?

Moment Of Win

see more Fail Blog

Russell Brand
* Mr. Brand dresses like the orgasmic, divine god of sex and humor that he is, and I wouldn't want him any other way:

[Found at Diary of A Fashion Muse]
Have I defended his hair recently? It's wonderful, too.

Politics
* You don't have to like the President, but you DO have to learn to spell your insults correctly:

[Found at Unique Daily]
Can we agree on that? I don't care what you say, but your spelling mistakes bother me terribly.

* Does anyone else just feel bad for Michael Steele? He seems so lost in his own party? I was going to snark at the guy because this is a stupid statement, but you know what? It's not worth it. Happy Thursday, Mr. Steele. Hope you're doing well.

* This video of Nancy Pelosi shedding tears over angry people

makes me think of that line from Arrested Development, as uttered by the inimitable Lucille Bluth: 'I want to cry so bad, but I don't think I can spare the moisture.'

I'm trying to horrify you into a coma.

Food
* I'm going to roast a porpoise. The internet shows me how. And it's from England. And I'll serve it to Spider Jerusalem, because he is the Patron Saint of weird foods.

Celebrity!Fail
* Are we all done joking about Kanye West's interruption? Yes? Good, then I will finally post this link to a site about how you can Kanye-fy any website you desire. Because it is no longer popular.
This kind of make me laugh, though.
And here's this website, Kanye-fied.

Yeah, the thrill wears off pretty quickly.

Zombies
* Who's excited about Zombieland? Answer; Everyone on the planet, ever. Yes, ever. Here are trailers and clips, to increase the delight and fear of the undead within your soul.

Apocalypse How?
* Uwe Boll made a movie. It didn't suck.

Game over.

WHY is it so freaking cold in the office? I have had so much caffeine, I can actually see molecules FLOATING in the air. Trufax.
- LV

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Who Eats Pudding At 10 In The Morning?

Blog
* I can't ingest anything but massive quantities of coffee at that hour. Title is from Lie To Me.

Animals
* If you see this swimming towards you...

[Found at Unique Daily]
Congratulations! The health care debate will not apply to you for much longer. Scariest kitty ever.

Girly Shit
* I have to say, when you've got Lady Gaga wearing the slaughtered remains of Muppets, a shoe on the head isn't particularly edgy:

[Found at Gawker]
Anyway, it's an ugly shoe. Maybe next Lady Gaga will move on to wearing the shoes of murdered Muppets. That would be twisted.

WTF, INTERNET?
* This scares me:

[Found at Geekologie]
This is the fashion equivalent of tear the heads off your stuffed animals. People who do stuff like this should be kept from sharp objects. HOW MANY BEARS DIED FOR FASHION, YOU HEARTLESS WENCH?!

I would throw red paint on this. I do find it funny how the model is trying to look sexy covered with stuffed, dismembered children's toys.

If you own this, I will judge you.

Life Lessons
* I love this article, about how we are not experiencing a rudeness epidemic. To paraphrase The Simpsons: Maybe it's not an epidemic. Maybe it's just a bunch of stuff that happened.' I don't think there is ANY connection between Joe Wilson and Kanye West. Except the one you MAKE:

He ignores the fact that while Serena Williams may have threatened to assault someone, Chris Brown actually did. And the fact that Joe Wilson's outburst may have been based on racism, which is a problem America needs to confront, while Kanye West's was based on West being a dick, which isn't. And by suggesting that Wilson, Williams, West, Brown, and Sanford are all part of a problem that should be solved "around your dinner table," he stifles collective dialogue on race or domestic violence and reduces these systemic problems to personal failings.

I think America needs to confront people being dicks. The Senate hearings would be brilliant.

Music
* You know, I think I'm becoming immune to Lady Gaga's shocking pantless-ness when my first thought at seeing this picture isn't 'ASS AHOY':

[Found at World Of Wonder]
Instead, I sort of just want to own her shoes. Those are FIERCE boots.

Daily Hot Guy

[Anthony Rapp, who played Mark Cohen in Rent. Yeah, I was never a Rent-head, but I was crazy about Mark. I spent most of my teen years plotting to move to New York City and live in a loft and be a starving artist. Then I moved to New York, realized most of those talentless artists have trust funds or no talent, nobody can afford to live in lofts, Alphabet City has a Chipotle, and nobody bursts into random song unless they're on very strong drugs. It was a massive disappointment in my life.]

Technology
* In theory, ATMs that spray tamperers and thieves with pepper spray are a great idea. The problem, as Mr. Cory Doctorow so succinctly puts it, is:

they've also been known to incapacitate the poor bastards who install them by randomly firing capsaicin at them.

I can't help wondering if some poor person trying to use the ATM legally will get sprayed. That's just depressing. My bank account is disheartening enough without getting shot in the eyes with burning PAIN chemicals.

Heroes
* I have watched this video of Zachary Quinto being asked the difference between Sylar and Spock (which is in and of itself STUPID, but I digress) more than once, and I laugh every damn time. He is so completely eager to be elsewhere. Like, desperately so.

And he discusses Jung. While conveying utter contempt. WONDERFUL. I WANT THOSE GLASSES. WHAT? I would look damn adorable in them.

Glee
* Oh, Glee, I could not love you more. Then Kristin Chenoweth showed up in the commercials (she played Olive Snook in Pushing Daisies, and I named my rat after the character. It's a compliment, I SWEAR) and my love MULTIPLIED. So here's the linebackers dancing from last week:


Tattoo Of Win
* Could someone explain this tattoo to me? Please?

[Found at LOLTATZ]
Because until someone does, I don't think I can ever sleep again.

Words Of Win

[Found at Friggin Random]
Dammit, now I really need cookies in my life.

Celebrity!Fail

* Things I NEVER needed to know: That Tom Cruise considers sex WITH HIMSELF to be 'like flying.' There are too many jokes already floating around out there for me to feel motivated to add another. Let me just say that flying scares me to death. So maybe the metaphor works.

People I Love
* Rickery Gervais' podcast makes me happy. I am still sick, freezing cold, broke, and desperately want Indian food RIGHT NOW, served by Gareth David-Lloyd while Zachary Quinto as Sylar explodes the heads of people who annoy me. But the podcast soothes me so. Also, in my imaginary version of Transmetropolitan, Ricky Gervais plays Royce, the editor. Tell me I am not a casting genius? Don't, actually. That would sadden me.

More later, possibly. I need to go find Sylar glasses. OK, they're Gabriel Gray glasses. GGG?

Look, I'm on a lot of antibiotics. That's my only excuse.
- LV

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What If You Don't Live By A Volcano?

Blog
* That's silly. Everyone lives by a volcano. A volcano of the SOUL. Yeah, I don't know. I've had precious little caffeine today. Title is from Firefly.

Jackie Earle Haley
* FINALLY:
A Nightmare on Elm Street in HD

A Nightmare On Elm Street trailer. Oh, how I love thee. I love thee HARDCORE. I will watch you repeatedly, and I will believe that THIS will be the horror trailer that is not made of suck, and fixes EVERYTHING in life. I need to get a new Freddy sweater. Mine was destroyed. Not in a fire. And Mr. Haley has growly voice. I spent most of my heinous morning fangirl-flailing, screaming, and generally frightening the natives. FOR A GOOD REASON.

Russell Brand
* I don't especially care who celebrities are dating. OK, I do, but in that, 'Hm, wow,' way, not in a 'OH GOD THEY ARE SO WRONG FOR EACH OTHER I MUST INTERVENE' way. That being said, I want Katy Perry to stay the HELL away from Russell Brand, OK? Because she ANNOYS me. SO MUCH. And I was sort of secretly hoping he and Lady Gaga would hook up, if ONLY because the tabloid coverage would be EPIC.

Politics
* HAHA, Levi Johnston, political impregnator, is going to be SO NAKED on the internets.I know I've said this before, but it NEVER STOPS BEING FUNNY. His Levi Johnston will be out, in public. Did I mention I had less than one cup of coffee this morning? And no food? And the energy drinks haven't kicked in yet?

* Short people are going to fuck you up, and the French are starting the war. VICTORY IN OUR TIME. But I will let certain tall men live, because they're hot. And my tall friends. Basically if I like you or you give me money, you're OK. Sarkozy, you never cease to entertain. And make me proud of my height. DOWN WITH TALLS.

* I must confess, I'm rather disappointed that Al Franken hasn't done anything super-hilarious since becoming a Senator. I thought... well, to be honest, I had hoped that politics would become like a long, drawn-out SNL skit. Which it already is, ZING. But here is a video of him, drawing a map:

His voice really annoys me, on an almost visceral level. It's weird.

Food
* Part of me thinks this is so cool and beautiful:

[Found at Friggin Random]
Part of me wonders how long it took.
Part of me just wants to sop up all that mustard with the bread.

Daily Hot Guy

[Matt Damon, not an unusual pick, but he's smart and funny and twisted, and he wrote a really good movie, and it's been an almost comically bad morning, and sometimes I just want to admire a handsome guy with nice eyes, OK?!]

Celebrity!Fail
* I stopped watching Gossip Girl, mainly because clothes lust was starting to make me seriously consider a life of crime (I WANT THEIR WARDROBES) and also I have too many other shows to watch on Monday, and simply cannot factor it in. Besides, it's best viewed in a marathon with a bunch of friends and some alcohol. But when I DID watch the show, I was a member of the 'I wish Chuck Bass had corrupted me in high school' club. Really, are there people who aren't? So this is very disappointing:

[Found at Jezebel]
Dude, there are very few guys who can have a naked lady tattoo and still be sexy. You are not among their numbers. Chuck Bass would not approve of your pathetic, plebeian attempt at rebellion. We're all very disappointed, Ed Westwick.

Zombies
* In theory, zombie shooting-range targets are a genius concept. But in practice....

[Found at Boing Boing]
Why do all the girl-zombies look like porn-star zombies, and why are all the boy-zombies Nazis? That's not very realistic. You should have done more research.

Apocalypse How?
* I make a lot of jokes in this category, but you know what? This is no joking matter:

[Found at Geekologie]
That's a Blu-Ray Player. It costs $135,000. Now let me make this very clear. I fucking hate anyone, ANYONE who is considering owning one of these. I CANNOT AFFORD A REGULAR BLU-RAY PLAYER. THIS ONE COSTS MORE THAN MY CAR. MORE THAN HALF A DOZEN OF MY CAR. GAAHHHHHH.
Oh, and this is truly the end of days, because seriously, what did they PUT IN THIS THING to make it cost so much? Pure gold? FAIRY GOLD? That shit is rare. I don't know. After work I have to go to Rite-Aid for lip-gloss. DISCOUNT lip-gloss. STUPID BLU-RAY PLAYER.

Dollhouse
* So apparently my Tweeting the Season Premiere of Dollhouse did nothing for the ratings. Or made them worse. Because Dollhouse got the lowest ratings ever.

Now, listen very carefully (or read very carefully): This season is going to be Topher-tastic. The premiere had hotness AND ANGST, and HIS SHEETS WERE ADORABLE, and he made me sad, and Whiskey is going bonkers (and drinking whiskey, I think, which delights me), and Alexis Denisoff (AKA Wesley) is going to be on a lot, and I NEED Alpha Wash to come back, so you are all going to MAN UP and watch Dollhouse. DO YOU GET ME?! Please? Because I still miss Firefly.

Epic!Fail
* This is an LV fail, I suspect. Because whenever I look at this picture:

[Found at Like Cool]
...I want to flip the guy off his forkless cruiser bike. I don't know why. But if I saw him in real life, I wouldn't be able to control myself. I just want to flip over that stupid, stupid bike. This compulsion frightens and confuses me. Ergo, LV!Epic!Fail.

They do happen, from time to time.

Books
* This library has no books:

[Found at The Boston Globe]
Because they have a 'learning center.' Books are outdated. Nobody READS anymore. HAHA.... ha... heh....

If you need me, I'll be clutching my worn copy of A Tree Grows In Brooklyn and weeping for the future.

Childhood!Fail
* Hey, kids! You like puppies, right? Who doesn't? Well, wouldn't you like to DISMEMBER A doggie?

[Found at Nerd Approved]
What, your doggie is missing its head? Its precious, precious head? Why are you crying? This is how butchers cut up the piggies we use to make your hot dogs!

Doctor Who
* I have posted this video of John Barrowman and David Tennant kissing at the Comic-Con before, and I most likely will again, and again, until Ianto Jones is OK. It doesn't HAVE to make sense, does it? Did Torchwood make sense? Did chunks of Doctor Who make sense? YEAH, so I win.

Plus, they're not exactly hard on the eyes, are they? It's Monday. That's the only excuse I NEED, OK?

Inglourious Basterds
* I like this story because it has Quentin Tarantino, B.J. Novak, movies, and unimpressed Germans:

Plus Brad Pitt seems like a fun guy. I am the only girl out there who would pick Tarantino over Pitt? Don't answer that.

Sorry this blog was a little late, but you know what? Monday. That is all.
- LV

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You Mustn't Fret Over Everything, My Very Strange Little Friend!

Blog
* That's easy to say when you've drunken all the sake, Adam. Title is from Heroes.

* Yes, I'm blogging twice today. Maybe more. I could justify this decision, but I'm not going to. Suffice it to say that I'm recovering from a sinus infection/flu hybrid DEADLY DISEASE.

Journalism
* My college journalism teacher would have called this, 'inflammatory journalism.' I always thought that sounded like some disgusting disease (it's the word 'inflame' I have a problem with, it seems), but actually it's quite succinct in this case:

[Found at Wonkette]
Look, kids beat the shit out of each other. It's part of growing up. And sometimes, yeah, it's racially motivated. But sometimes it's simply, 'That kid laughs funny, and I'm having a bad day, so I'm going to beat him up.' Kids don't really have complicated reasons for disliking each other. I hated a girl in my school solely because she said 'like' every other word (No, that's not an exaggeration. This was a sentence: 'I, like, really, like, hated, like, the, like, math, like, test.' It drove me nuts.) although I never hit her, but that's besides the point. The point I am TRYING to make (unsuccessfully, I suspect) is that race is not always the reason. Or race is a cover for another reason - economic, social, personal - that is more complicated.

But kids beat the shit out of each other. When my little brother gets into a fight at school, I don't naturally assume it had some sinister underlying message. I assume he was being an asshole. It happens. And from what I've read/seen of this particular fight, it wasn't racially motivated. It was little kids fighting. As they tend to do.

Can we as a society calm the fuck down?

Ad!Fail
* It's funny, I was just talking about bananas....

[Found at The Worlds Best Ever]
Um... I think... See, I just eat the bananas. I don't... I don't wear them. Ever. I never would. It's fruit. It's good. It's just not an effective toupee. You are fooling no one. And get them out of your ears. Now nobody else will want them.

Harry Potter
* They are coming out with Harry Potter Ultimate Editions. I don't care, so much, unless there is guaranteed more Snape. OK, I'm totally lying. The special features are RIDICULOUS, and not solely stupid Quidditch shit. So LV will be a broke geek again, per usual, huzzah!
And speaking of Harry Potter, I am on a campaign to get Tim Roth to play Young Snape in the flashback sequences of Deathly Hallows. This campaign consists of me sometimes sending Tweets to people and saying, 'Wouldn't Tim Roth kick ASS as Severus Snape?' Then they say 'Yeah.' Then I get distracted by something else. So far, my campaign has been unsuccessful.

Star Trek
* This picture makes me laugh:

[Found at Tribbletastic]
It is also true, and started the slash movement. Maybe. If you listen to the Trekkies. My cousin, by the way, has decided all Watchmen fans are 'Watchies.' I in no way endorse this title.

Art
* Since I cannot draw, and probably should never draw, for the good of the world, I want to buy these for all my sickeningly talented artist friends:

[Found at Incredible Things]
You may think this is because I am nice. WRONG. I want to buy you all pixel colored pencils so you feel OBLIGATED to draw what I want you to draw, all the time, and I will rule your creative lives with an IRON FIST.
Luckily I have no money, and I'm far too lazy to enact an evil plan, and all my artist friends already draw stuff I love, so none of this will ever happen.

Watchmen
* We all know I love Watchmen. I will PROVE my love, for those of you ass enough to doubt me. BRING IT. But I do, and I hate having to criticize it in any way. That's another lie. I am full of lies, today. Lies and germs. I like mocking Watchmen in an affectionate and tender way, because I love it. The same way I mock all my fandoms. This, however, is not loving mockery. I really, really don't like the cover of the Ultimate Edition:

[Found at Topless Robot]
Here are my issues:
- The Cover. I do not like the cover. I'm sorry. It should be the Comedian's button. Not this weird Pirate button. And I like me some pirates.
- The Motion Picture Comic. As someone who will buy ANYTHING Watchmen related (except those Rorschach thongs, because that shit is unacceptable), this may be the only thing I didn't purchase. Because it bugs me when Laurie talks like a man. If they'd had the movie cast do it, I'd be all happy. If they'd had anyone from the cast do the whole thing, I'd be fine (except Billy Crudup, because we'd grow old and die waiting to get past chapter one.) Point is, I'm not really jived on motion picture comics as a whole, and I don't need this. It is not essential to my life. I'd rather just reread the comic. Over and over.
- Under The Hood. I own this. And I love it very much, and it kind of makes me sad and teary (but there should be more Mothman). But I own it in a snazzy metal case. So... I do not require another copy.
- My Chemical Romance video. I own this, too. On iTunes.
Look, there are things I don't own, and I'm excited about the Video Journals, and it will be nice to see Tales of the Black Freighter interspersed in the movie (although I may be the only person who really liked it. Am I?) and this may be more about my pathological need to own all things Watchmen, but... COME ON, ZACK SNYDER. GIVE US SOMETHING MORE.
And I'm done.

Comics
* Warren Ellis, our cruel and impenetrable leader of Sin (Thoroughbred of Sin? DON'THURTMEMR.ELLIS) posted these gorgeous images of the character Black Orchid reimagined for the 21st century. This, by Ben Templesmith (who also did Fell and 30 Days of Night), is my favorite:

[Found at Warren Ellis]

Tattoo Of Win
* This is one of those tattoos that grosses me out so much I refuse to post it on my blog. But I link to it, to spread the suffering around. I'll wait for you to finish soaking your eyes.
I feel there is nothing I could add to this. Ever. In fact, let's pretend I never linked to it. Do you like bananas? They are delicious!

Words Of Win
"... An EMT took a cell-phone photo of a corpse while working a crime scene and posted it on Facebook."
And you all LAUGH when I say Facebook will be the end of us all. WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?!

Russell Brand
* Here is Russell, rehearsing. Religiously. Righteously. I'm sorry, that wasn't even good alliteration. Click here to see Mr. Brand rehearsing for the VMAs, of which he was the only good bit. Well, he and Lady Gaga's clothes.

Politics
* I think we, as a species, can all get together and agree that this dude (whose name I can say, but have seen spelled - I'm not joking - fourteen different ways THIS MORNING, and I'm not bothering) is batshit crazy insane, and his little hat freaks me out:

Also anyone who comes out REMOTELY in support of the the Taliban is not going to make friends with anyone. And could someone explain why he wanted a tent in New Jersey? And where he got his Big Pimpin' fur coat? This man is frightening and incoherent. He will soon have a reality show, and they'll cancel, I don't know, Glee to make room for it. DO NOT CANCEL GLEE. EVER.

Food
* Doctors found a piece of a Wendy's spoon stuck in some guy's lung. Dude. I know you're hungry, but chewing the food helps. You can't tell me that someone who properly masticates would NOT have felt the hunk of SPOON going down their lung. At least he's not suing them. I appreciate that. It is in NO WAY Wendy's fault that you INHALED A PIECE OF SPOON.

Celebrity!Fail
* I know there is something inherently cyclical and hypocritical about blogging over how sick I am of Jon and Kate Plus 8 and all the drama, especially since I don't care. I do, however, care about this:

[Found at D-Listed]
I care very much about hair. And this is very bad hair. I know she's a single mom with a small herd of spawn, and her husband is a tool, but there is no excuse for hair like that. Even Lady Gaga is looking at you, shaking her head and thinking, 'Shit, that is some BAD HAIR.'
I feel better now.

Flash Forward
* My friend asked me how I organized my categories. I don't. They sort of take over, and I have way too many. But with TV categories, I tend to file them under TeeVee until they air. Or if I don't watch them. So now you know.

* Flash Forward is premiering tonight. Are we excited? It's supposed to be very good, and it has an excellent cast, and is written by David S. Goyer, and this is enough to ensure my viewership for at least a few episodes. Here is a clip - the first 17 minutes of the show, to be precise - in case you're still on the fence. I have not watched it, because I already know I'm watching it tonight. It's my only Thursday show, I think. I'm trying to cut down. I DO like to leave the house, sometimes.

Zombies
* Zombie babies. Zombie short movies. More zombie babies. And you people think there's nothing to be afraid of. HAHA.

Apocalypse How?
* This is why I should NEVER read the news:

New virus from rats can kill 80 per cent of human victims

It's in South Africa, but I have pet rats! PANIC ON THE STREETS. And I have a cold/sinus infection/swine flu. Well, it's been nice knowing you all. AVENGE ME.

If it's not the zombies, rats, bad haircuts, or diseases that get me, it will be the vegans. Always, the vegans. Or, you know, nuclear holocaust. That's scary too.
- LV

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