Alan Moore Was Once On Jeopardy. It Was The First Occasion In Jeopardy History That Alex Trebek Had Appeared Without A Mustache. & A Head.

BookExpo America
* Yesterday kicked ASS.
- Got an early copy of Al Capone Shines My Shoes, the sequel to Gennifer Choldenko's wonderful young adult novel, Al Capone Does My Shirts. Also nearly ran directly into Ms. Choldenko herself. Literally.
- Got a signed copy of Robert Dunn's novel, PinK Cadillac, and discussed the merits of web-based publication when it comes to musical novels. He was incredibly nice.
- Waved at Jane Yolen like a total crazy person, and she waved back though she CLEARLY had no idea who I was or why I was waving to her.
- While exploring the Scientology - I'm sorry, L. Ron Hubbard - section of the Expo, I was accosted by super-tall pirates who wanted me to take pictures with them. This is in no way a metaphor. Very attractive young men dressed as pirates, who I would have flirted with shamelessly were they NOT dressed as pirates, wanted me to take photos with them. I declined, very politely.
- Paid $8.25 for a chicken wrap and $4.00 for a diet soda. There was no crack in the soda. It was four dollars for ALL fluids.
- Due to the utter kindness of the HarperCollins people, and the wonderful/made genius of my remarkable boss, I got to meet Neil Gaiman. He was incredibly, unbelievably nice (not that I thought he'd be an asshole, but whenever you meet someone you admire there's always a lingering fear that they'll be awful, at least for me), and he knows my uncle and we talked about that and he signed three books for me and my boss, and I think I may have floated out of the Javitts Center. It was a fabulous end to the day.

Pictures:



I could have taken more, but considering I knew him through six degrees, I felt that would have been creepy. Also my boss made a joke about me having a shrine of Mr. Gaiman. I really, really hope he knew that my boss was joking.

Freakangels Friday Saturday
* Freakangels, huzzah! Does Karl live, or is my destiny as the Killer of All Characters Fulfilled? Check the spoilers beneath my signature! Sidenote: While waiting (for an hour and a half, because the line was INSANE) for Neil Gaiman, three people recognized my Freakangels bag, which is the first time that has happened since I bought it. I was very pleased.

Remake!Fail
* Continuing with the torture of BAFFLING and unnecessary remakes, here's another one that will make me cry for years over the skullfucking of my childhood: They're remaking Flight of the Navigator. Why? WHY? WHY IS IT NECESSARY TO MAKE ANOTHER VERSION OF THIS MOVIE? Disney has failed. They made a sequel to Bambi, for the love of fuck. They made TWO sequels to Cinderella. AFTER SHE MARRIES THE PRINCE, THERE IS NO MORE STORY. THE STORY IS OVER. STOP TRYING TO CONTINUE A STORY THAT HAS ENDED. More importantly, stay the HELL away from Flight of the Navigator. It is an intrinsic part of my childhood. YOU'RE ALREADY MAKING A FRAGGLE ROCK MOVIE, HOLLYWOOD. WHAT ELSE DO YOU HAVE TO TAKE FROM ME BEFORE YOU'RE SATISFIED?

Cars
* I fully support the mass-marketing of this car:

[Found at LikeCool]
True, it's more a buggy than a car, but that is irrelevant. This reminds me of that Nintendo 64 game Starfox, where you had to drive a truck like that and blow up stuff while that annoying frog yelled crap at me me from its ship and then Falco was as badass as a middle-schooler could handle. Good times, good times. There are a lot of technical specs for this thing, but I don't care. I want it. I want to drive across the desert in this baby, wind in my hair, sunglasses on, rifle at my side. I don't NEED a reason.

TeeVee
* I am so proud of my home state. I can't even watch commercials for Real Housewives of New Jersey. Because they are simultaneously completely different from reality, and kind of on the nose. They're the most extreme, ridiculous versions of people I know. It's awful, and we are not all in the mob, because sometimes the mob doesn't return our phone-calls or appreciate the dead hookers in their trunk. Is there nothing I can do to win them over and get my own armada of goons? I NEED MINIONS. But yeah, New Jersey is horrifying and awful and shames me and mine. Yet I will continue to defend it, because I live here, and someone has to.

Geek Want
* I want to grow corn in these things:

[Found at NerdApproved]
I could make a MAZE in my backyard. And send people I don't like out to die in my corn maze of Tetris doom.

Politics
* Whatever your stance on gay marriage, you have to admit that few topics send Republicans into quite such a panic. It's like the words 'gay' and 'marriage' when put together in any order short-circuit the Republican brain, and they start weeping and blathering beyond the point of coherency. This is not a dig on Republicans - I'm not kicking them while they're down, especially when Rush Limbaugh is eating all the weaklings - simply an observation. I mean, John Culberson was asked about gay marriage by a small child. He burst into tears, wet his pants, and had to be carried away to a quiet room for a glass of warm milk.

Doctor Who
* A little bit of Win, a little bit of Fail.
Win: BBC America is getting Doctor Who! Huzzah! No longer will I have to wait for the DVDs, and spend months avoiding everyone who's already seen the show.
Fail: They're airing shit that's already been out in England since DECEMBER. Someone needs to explain this time lag, because it makes me angry. Cybermen, perhaps?

Watchmen
* I love it when fandoms overlap/join forces/WHATEVER. This is a podcast (or Snapecast) that's Rorschach and Snape and THAT IS ALL THAT I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS. Sent to me via Twitter by one of the patron saints of Twitter, who is determined to snap my smallish brain with fangirl delight.

WTF, INTERNET?
* I admit that I have some weird interests/fantasies/crazy behavior.

I can safely say, however, that never have I ever EVER dreamed about looking like the demented love-child of a Terminator and a faun.

Zombies
* I am a big fan of small weapons that pack a major punch. I am a tiny slip of a girl, and while I love the idea of huge freaking firearms, I'm not sure how logical it is to expect me to carry around a twenty-five pound gun for extended periods of time. I would, of course, make an exception for anything involving lasers/flamer throwers. Anyway, this suits my needs nicely:

[Found at LikeCool]
This is the BodyGard. It contains a door glass breaker and seatbelt cutter. This isn't strictly a weapon, but could totally be used as one in a pinch. And if you are trapped in your car and zombies approach, you can get out quickly. Lastly, I can't help but think that if the chick in Drag Me To Hell had had this little gadget, maybe things would have gone differently.

Another update later, after the LSATs destroy me.

- LV

Spoilers For FREAKANGELS:
Another week without the demise of Karl! And there was chikkinz AND Jack the Ripper. And FORESHADOWING. And Kirk is happily peeing in his bucket. All is well. BUT FOR HOW LONG?

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A Slightly Less Hostile Post

Books I Borrowed From The Supremely Crappy Public Library:
* 20th Century Ghosts - Joe Hill
* The Knife Thrower - Steven Millhauser
* Viriconium - M. John Harrison
* 5 Novels - Daniel Pinkwater

Books I'm Currently Reading
* 20th Century Ghosts - Joe Hill [It's wonderful and creepy and funny. I kind of hate him for being such a good writer. But he's a really nice guy, so I don't hate him for long.]
* On Writing - Stephen King [I'm reading this in bursts as I work on my book. Depending on how the writing's going, it either fills me with confidence and excitement, or unbridled despair and self-loathing. So I try to time the reading accordingly.]
* Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency - Douglas Adams [I miss Douglas Adams. His writing is always so sharp and concise. No bullshit. It's like gargling to clean out the extraneous material.]

I'm also flipping through a collection of H.P. Lovecraft, but if I read more than one story a day I become very spooky and paranoid, and convinced that something horrible is coming to get me.

414 pages, but I'm going to write more now.

Later today or tomorrow I'm going to post a long, angry missive on why my library has filled me with such anger.

Also, on the geeky/psychotic front, I'm making a list of all the authors/books mentioned in Neil Gaiman's blog. Everything from my current library haul is from his blog [except for the Joe Hill, which I would have gotten anyway, because Joe Hill rocks out loud]. I'm trying to expand my reading circle, and he talks about books and authors I don't know, and I just can't abide that. Even though quite a few of the authors he likes are a little suspect. Also, my own books were beginning to piss me off. Can't say why.

All right, now I'm just procrastinating. Back to work.
- LV

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Two Months Of Silence

I know, I know, I've been remiss in my blogging (is anybody still out there?)

*insert echoing noise in empty, huge white hallway*

Suffice it to say, I've had a very busy, wonderful, awful, fun, tragic two months, and I'm exhausted. I also haven't felt the need to write, due to all the joy and horror. Too much, if that makes sense. But a few points (good ones, not bad. I don't share bad).

* I saw NEIL GAIMAN read, which was pretty damn cool, although saying hi to MIKE MIGNOLA was much more ass-kicking.
* I've written over 200 pages of my book. It may suck, but damn if it isn't going to get finished.
* I've lost nearly 50 pounds (not in the past two months - since last year), and have gone from a size 12 to a 2 or a 4.
* I'm still unemployed, and have come to loathe job interviews intensely.

I've decreed this week to be TV Turnoff Week For Elle, because I can actually recite some FOOD NETWORK episodes from memory. But I'm still going to watch HOUSE & GOSSIP GIRL. I refuse to give those up. Bite me.

Incidentally, the movie IRON MAN (which I was worried was going to suck ass) was the equivalent of 100 howling orgasms of pure goodness. IRON MAN has always been my favorite superhero, and ROBERT DOWNEY, JR is God. I have proof. You can't see it.

I'm off to coffee with a friend, then to send out an assload of resumes, then to write.
- LV

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Stupid Phone. Stupid People.

I've been writing for a while, and the phone keeps ringing and distracting me. But now it's dead, so I should have some peace. For a little while.

Got blood drawn after my job interview (which went pretty well, but not great; I kind of think I made a faux pas by admitting I fucked up my schedule last December at the old B&N. Damn me and my honesty.) More specifically, got blood drawn in a lab in the back of a Duane Reade. Also had to carry my own urine through Duane Reade, which was an unusual experience.

And that's all. I feel totally wiped out (they drew a SHITLOAD of blood), so I decided to rewrite the first chapter in a new, pretty composition book purchased solely for that purpose. I'm not done, and the new draft is already 11 pages. So huzzah for my new composition book.

I also tentatively titled the book, TROUBLESOME TRANSITIONS. I don't like it, but I felt the need to call it SOMETHING besides 'Death and Serial Killer Story.' It's based on a quote by ISAAC ASIMOV: 'Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.'

Although in my story, none of that is true. Life is stressful. Death is exhausting, and the transition is the easiest part of the whole deal. But I love that quote. And my book needed a temporary title. So that's that.

I'm volunteering on Wednesday and Thursday for my friend's theater company, so I need to get a lot of writing done today and tomorrow. Because I want to keep this book going. Also, I decided not to cut my hair until it's done BEFORE I read that NEIL GAIMAN said the same thing when writing AMERICAN GODS. The difference is that I'm a girl so it's not a big deal, I can save my money to get it cut at a nice place, and I wanted to grow my hair out anyway.

But I SWEAR I got the idea before I knew he did it. We should just be best friends because of coincidences like these. I'm kidding, FYI.

Now all of you: scurry off and I'll get back to writing. Deal? Deal.
- LV

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Lazy Sunday

Finished (I think) editing my story, which I am extremely pleased with. I'm going to let it sit for a day, then do one more pass. Then I'll send it out to be mocked and maligned by the publishing world.

I spent a long time just writing down any story idea that popped into my head. Most of it is science fiction/fantasy style, which shouldn't surprise me as much as it does. As we all know, I have a deep love for both genres (note DOCTOR WHO, ANGEL, HARRY POTTER, and the works of ALAN MOORE, WARREN ELLIS, NEIL GAIMAN, GARTH ENNIS, and dozens of others), but I never thought much of writing it myself. It always seemed (still seems) ridiculously hard to create a fantasy world. So my experiments in the genre are still firmly rooted in 'reality,' so as to scare me a little less.

I think MICHAEL CHABON has the right idea. He writes in any genre he wants. He doesn't just write humor, or romance, or historical fiction - he writes about whatever the hell he wants. I don't want to confine myself. I want to write horror, and comedy, and memoir-stuff, and chick-lit, and fantasy, and non-fiction. So that's what I'm going to do.

I also wrote an outline for a novel, which I don't think I've ever done before. Usually I would just throw myself into it, which is probably why after 10 or 20 pages, I would have no idea what the hell was going on. The outline itself went in a totally different direction than I originally intended, because I am convinced that if I include ANY real romance in this story, it will end up in the 'fantasy romance' section, and I will never be consoled. So no real romance - just lots of pretend romance and misunderstandings, which is more realistic anyway. It's sort of a TERRY PRATCHETT/CHRISTOPHER MOORE-style idea, but I'm hoping it will be good. Obviously - that's why I'm writing it.

I still want to expand my thesis and get it published. 63 pages, which seemed horribly long when I was writing it, is not nearly long enough for a whole book. But I'm reluctant to add more unless I have interest from a publisher/editor/agent/person with money. Can I just submit my thesis, with the promise of more pretty pages, or do I have to write the whole damn thing before I can start shopping it around? See, I need an agent to answer these questions. Or someone out there could. Answer it. Now.

I either have the flu, or a sinus infection. It's irrelevant, because either way I feel like shit. I want my head to stop pounding, and my nose to stop running. Medicine is failing me. I might splurge and get actual food, in an attempt to boost my immune system. Is pizza good for your immune system?

I applied at the bookstore nearby, which is actually hiring (!), and have an interview on Wednesday as a concession bitch at a movie theater. I might bail - 7.50/hr is actually worse than what I was getting paid at my last job. And that's BEFORE taxes, people.

Been reading FRAGILE THINGS by NEIL GAIMAN, which I bought when I applied at the bookstore, as well as rereading SHERLOCK HOLMES and AMY HEMPEL. I'm studying the structure of short stories, seeing what works and what doesn't. 

That's all, really. Quiet day. Sick Day. Going to read, and write, and watch the Food Network, which is my guilty pleasure channel. The weather is lovely; if my head clears a little, I may take a constitutional around the block.

- LV

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Neil Gaiman Quotes

"I wanted to put a reference to masturbation in one of the scripts for 'Sandman'. It was immediately cut by the editor. He told me, 'There's no masturbation in the DC Universe.' To which my reaction was, 'Well that expalins a lot about the DC Universe.'"

"Fuck, I won a Hugo!"

“I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing.”

"The world is always ending, for someone."

"This is a work of fiction. All the characters in it, human and otherwise, are imaginary, excepting only certain of the fairy folk, whom it might be unwise to offend by casting doubts on their existence. Or lack thereof. "

"The world always seems brighter when you've just made something that wasn't there before."

"You get ideas from daydreaming. You get ideas from being bored. You get ideas all the time. The only difference between writers and other people is we notice when we're doing it."

"Tomorrow may be hell, but today was a good writing day, and on the good writing days nothing else matters."

"It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But the half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor. "

"Is the chemical aftertaste the reason why people eat hot dogs, or is it some kind of bonus? "

"Things need not have happened to be true. Tales and adventures are the shadow truths that will endure when mere facts are dust and ashes and forgotten. "

"We are always living in the final days. What have you got? A hundred years or much, much less until the end of your world."

"As far as I'm concerned, the entire reason for becoming a writer is not having to get up in the morning. "

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It Was A Dark And Stormy Day...

I love cold, rainy days. I think they're very peaceful. They make me feel contemplative and serene.

Of course, I'd feel a lot better if my stomach wasn't hurting me so much. It feels like there's a tiny, angry man in my stomach with a pitchfork. Maybe eating cold cans of soup and little else isn't the wisest way to live. But it is cheap. And cheap beats out smart right now.

I submitted a poem to an online magazine the other day. It got rejected. I'm not surprised - it wasn't one of my better poems. But I liked it, and I'm a little disappointed. Poems don't make much money anyway. But still, being published is being published, right? And being rejected is being rejected.

I want a literary agent. Except I can't finish a single story, so I have nothing to offer anyone. It's aggravating - my story ideas are too dense for short stories, but I run out of ideas halfway through, so I end up with like thirty pages. Maybe they could be long short stories. I need a writing group, or a writing teacher, even though I am of the mentality that you can't learn to be a good writer.

But I digress. I have some E-Mails to write that might result in jobs, and then I'm working on the zombie story. Here are some of the projects I'm working on. Comments, suggestions, and open mockery are welcome.

* Zombie story, post-apocalyptic.

* Chick-lit, about writers and father/daughter relationships.

* High school presidential election with a sinister twist (short story).

* Author bargains with the devil.

* Death as a super-hero.

* Crime story I've been writing on and off since I was like, 13. 

None of its very good, but I'm still having trouble thinking up good ideas. Inspiration is standing a block away, mocking me and dancing just out of reach, promising glory and then throwing scraps in my direction.

Maudlin enough for you?

I want NEIL GAIMAN's career. He's had it for a long time - it's time to share, damn it. Incidentally, his blog is great. Very entertaining. I hope that reading the work of those I admire will inspire me. Or something.

So. I have a hot cup of coffee, bad daytime TV playing quietly in the background, and it's time to get to work. Hope everyone has a good day.

- LV

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I Am The Super Bug Mother

Well, I had a day. Did the usual [worked out, got over a minor Bloody Mary/pot hangover, etc]. But rather than bore you with that shit, here's the cool stuff.

Jim Hanley's Universe
Went with Aye and Kaye, since Garth Ennis and Darick Robertson were doing a signing. For non-fans [read: sane people], Garth Ennis is best known for Preacher, and Darick Robertson draws for Transmetropolitan. They were doing a signing to promote the newest issue of The Boys, their joint effort.

Now, I'm a devoted fan of Forbidden Planet [although I can't go often, because I wouldn't be able to afford my rent], but JHU is a fucking great place for comics, and I highly reccommend it to all. To be honest, JHU is more like a cozy comic store, although it's enormous. Something about the atmosphere is much mellower. It may become my favorite. Only time will tell.

Anyway: I was a wreck, per usual, because I'm always afraid that when I meet someone I admire, I'll say something weird ["I have a blister on my foot shaped like Mars"] or just downright creepy ["I love you"]. Luckily, I was the sane one today. Shocking, I know.

Kaye, who is a minor celebrity there since he goes constantly, was the local lunatic. He was asked by some guy filming to do a little stunt. So he ran up to the front and screamed at the top of his lungs, "THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN!" The whole, packed store was silent for a good fifteen seconds. Aye nearly died; I took advantage of my height and hid behind a Neil Gaiman display.

The meeting itself was kind of incredible. Garth Ennis signed three things for me, and had an accent, so I was having fangirl glee. Darick Robertson, who was incredibly nice, drew me a fucking gorgeous sketch of Spider Jerusalem which I am going to have FRAMED, and signed one of my Transmetropolitan trade paperbacks. We also had a really nice conversation about journalism, and he told me he has enormous respect for anyone seeking out that career who is focused on the truth. So I was a happy giggling ass. To be honest, I was nearly like a normal human girl.

Here's what I bought today, and why I am now spectacularly broke.
* The Boys: Volume Seven w/ alternate cover [signed - Ennis]
* Hitman: Volume One [signed - Ennis]
* The Boys: Trade Paperback [signed - Ennis]
* I Feel Sick: Volume Two [because I can never find ANY Jhonen Vasquez besides JTHM]
* Transmetropolitan: Volume Six
* Transmetropolitan: Volume Seven [signed - Robertson]
* MY SPIDER JERUSALEM SKETCH THAT IS SO HOT I WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH IT

Yeah, that last one was creepy. I'm better now. Honest. If anyone asks, I'll post a picture of my sketch. See? People who comment get rewarded!

Bug
Holy, holy god, this movie was bad. I did not intend to see this movie. I WANTED to see Knocked Up, but it was sold out, which kind of ruined my perfect day. So we decided to see Bug, with Ashley Judd and Harry Connick, Jr. This was a mistake.

This may be the worst movie I've seen in theaters since Primeval. It was supposedly based on a play, which makes sense. A play version probably wouldn't have sucked as much. Basically, lonely hick Judd does a lot of drugs and falls for this looney guy who thinks the government has infected him with bugs, and sometimes her ex husband [Connick, Jr.] shows up and acts like an asshole. THAT is the movie.

There was quite a bit of nudity, and one of the worst sex scenes I have ever witnessed in my entire life. Seriously, this movie could make people celibate. It was heinous. The sex looked PAINFUL. Or at least weird and uncomfortable. And Judd screamed a lot. I never liked her, and now I fucking despise her. The title of this post is my favorite line from the movie. The other is "MACHINE!"

This would make for a good drinking game - take a shot every time someone says 'Bug,' or someone says something paranoid. Except you'd die within twenty minutes from alcohol poisoning, which would be a downer. We had no alcohol. But when the entire audience is howling with laughter, and you're making your friends look on their phone to see how long the movie runs - these are not signs of a good film.

Whoever made this movie should be punished. They'll go to Special Hell, and be forced to watch this movie over and over and over. And invisible bugs will make them itch. And they will have drooling, special-ed sex.

This movie just added about six years to my therapy sessions. Yay.

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