The
promo rolls: A girl in an industrial style maritime rain slicker
cries, hunkered against a bulwark. A helicopter lifts off in
threatening weather. Many semi-rigid Zodiac speedboats, the type the US
Navy SEALs
use, hurl themselves through 10 foot waves. A man looks with
consternation at something in the distance. It's a whale, being hoisted
onto the deck of a ship.
"Whaling has got to stop" says the ominous narration.
It's a preview for Animal Planet's "hit" show, Whale Wars. Now airing at self-righteous o'clock Eastern, 7 central.
OK. Let's just go through this pragmatically.
The ship utilized by the Sea Shepherd organization to self-police international waters is called the MV Steve Irwin. That's right. They named their ship after a man who rose to international fame by ABUSING WILD ANIMALS. Strike one,"Whale Wars."
Next. How's the Steve Irwin powered? Hydrogen fuel cells? Sails? Solar power? Nope. Two British Polar 12 cylinder, 2,100 bhp engines with variable pitch propellers which I'm sure do a bang-up job of disrupting whale's mating patterns by creating ambient ocean noise all the while running on fossil fuels.
A
floating indication of ignorance and wanton retardation. Alt.
Headline: Thank god no one from the Tsunami stricken region has Animal
Planet or else they'd flip their shit knowing that the cost to maintain
this boat could ensure that their children survived the diseases of the
aftermath.
Hey. They also have a
helicopter. Also powered by fossil fuels. Environment - 0. Whale Wars
- 2,340 metric tons of CO2 and counting.
Then there's the tagline:
"You have not lived until you've found something worth dying for." In
this case, animals with the brain power somewhere between toaster oven
and rotary telephone. "But they're so intelligent and they have
feelings and blah blah blah."
You know what
else is intelligent and has feelings? Rwandans. Bangladeshis. North
Koreans. How about this, Whale Wars? Sell your fucking boat and buy
some medicine for people who don't have potable water or suffer from 50%
infant mortality rates or step on landmines on a regular basis.
Willing to bet that the sale of the helicopter, navigation equipment,
diesel engines and hull of the Steve Irwin could probably go a nice long way towards saving thousands, if not tens of thousands of PEOPLE LIVES.
Basically,
the "Whale Wars" people are the biggest douches in the history of
mankind. Insanely wealthy (in the scope of world poverty) white
people*, utilizing hundreds of thousands of dollars in resources to
block the hunting of an animal that evolved from something sort of like a
hyena. Next thing we know, we'll be watching "Hyena Wars" on Animal
Planet where a fleet of yellow Land Rovers, purchased at $50,000 per
vehicle, plow through the African Savannah, crushing rare insects and marsupials or something under their Bridgestone
tires, conveniently turning a blind eye to the fact that 230,000
African people died of malaria outside the bounds of the nature preserve
in which they're combating poaching.
That's why I donate my hard earned scratch off lottery ticket winnings to the "MacBook Pro/Gary Fisher Bicycle/Jameson Shots" fund in my wallet.
*I think the fact that I have a "MacBook
Pro/Gary Fisher Bicycle/Jameson Shots" fund is a pretty clear indicator
that I'm also white. But I'm one of the "good ones". In that I
haven't actively attacked a minority in like three months. Besides she
had it coming. Did you see how she was dressed? Practically asking for
it.
