Hey What Kinda Party Is This? There's No Booze & Only 1 Hooker.

Blog
* Title is from Futurama. Everyone knows you need at least three hookers at your child's birthday party. Ask about balloon tricks.

Politics
* Here's your daily dose of, 'Holy shit - people are awful.' The head of a school sent Emails like this:

A mock news release from the Detroit Police Department that claims the department will replace German shepherd police dogs with “coon dogs, due to the fact the city is not having any problems with Germans.”

In conclusion, if you want to be a racist shit, maybe CHECK who you're sending your Emails to. Just a suggestion.

* Sarah Palin wants to run against Obama. Like, literally run. With her feet. A jogging match. She says she'd beat him. This is a news piece. And I am posting it, thus giving this crazy lady even more attention. I am part of the problem, now. And seriously, Sarah Palin, STOP TALKING. And you people: STOP ENCOURAGING HER.

* A former ex-mayor from Georgia was arrested for wandering around drunk and naked, and then denying his nudity and walking around, and told police that he was terribly important, naked or not. I love politics.

WTF, INTERNET?
* These are earphones:

[Found at NerdApproved]
I feel the same way about them as I do about cocaine. You just shouldn't stick certain things in any orifice. And why a wiener dog? Wouldn't it be funnier to have arrow headphones? So it looked like someone shot you through the head with a tiny, tiny arrow? Why aren't you guys laughing?

Zombies
* Even though I don't like it, I have to endorse this tattoo, because its message is profound and eternal:

[Found at LOLTATZ]
There's nothing funny about this. You don't destroy the brain, you are SCREWED. Are you taking notes?

Animals
* Click on this link to see apes laugh when tickled. There was a tickle study. On apes. I can't decide if that's the greatest thing ever, or a criminal misuse of scientific time and funds. But the apes, they LAUGH.

Movies
* Michael Bay must have gotten up one morning and thought, 'How do I make blogger ElleVee despise me and everything I stand for?' Because I DIDN'T. I thought he was untalented and loved explosions, but sort of funny, and he made enjoyable popcorn movies. My little brother likes them, at least. And now James Frey, author of A Million Little Pieces (WHICH I LIKED AND WILL DEFEND) has written some science fiction script, and Michael Bay is going to shit all over it, because that is what he does. TRANSFORMERS 2 CAUSES EYE-BLEEDS. I need to see another movie to get over this, for real.

Girly Shit
* I need this dress. Desperately. Life will not continue for ANYONE unless I have this dress in my life:

[Found at IHeartThat]
True, I have nowhere to wear such a dress, and I cannot afford it by ANY stretch of the imagination, but none of that matters. Give me $1,590. FOR AMERICA. AND DEMOCRACY. Man, I need a sugar daddy. Russell Brand, call me! Plus, then I'd have many places to wear this dress, and I'm somewhat entertaining, yes? Think about it!

Music
* Here are cute and adorable little children singing, 'Just Dance' by Lady Gaga:

Smile in your souls. It's hump day.

Technology
* The International Society of Supervillains tolerates Twitter, but not if you continue to SHAME yourselves and the rest of your silly little species. Here are examples of people abusing the privilege of Twitter, not that I have ever done ANY of these things, EVER. Stop smirking like that.

Watchmen
* If you don't vote for Watchmen in every category every day, Nite Owl will come and beat the shit out of you. Then the Comedian will rape the shit out of you. Then Rorschach will break all your fingers, eat all your food, and lock you in your refrigerator. Then Silk Spectre will kick you with those awesome boots. Then Ozymandias will throw bullets at you. Then, finally, Doctor Manhattan will make you all explodey. So go VOTE. Oh, but if Watchmen isn't nominated in a certain category, feel free to vote for whoever you want, so long as I like them.

Daily Hot Guy

[Bruno, leaving me frightened, confused, and strangely aroused]

Tattoo Of Win

[Found at LOLTATZ]

Food
* Obama is a terrible president, because of the restaurant he chose to eat in that time he went to New York City with his wife. AIRTIGHT LOGIC? Um, no. The opposite, in fact. Unless he went to Chipotle. I hate that place. Their salads make my organs bleed fire.

Comics
* I like webcomics. Ergo, all comics can go online. Because me and Marc Ellerby said so. WHAT? It's Wednesday, and I overslept, and the coverage of Michael Jackson has gone from sad to creepy and borderline stalking and Sarah Palin is talking AGAIN. It's a rough morning, OK?

Words Of Win

see more Fail Blog

YouTube Wonders
* See, you distract the vampire with the tasty drink shown below, then you knock out the vampire, tie it down securely, and make it your sex slave keep it from hurting innocent people. Don't look at me like that. I've been watching a lot of True Blood. What, like YOU would stake Eric Northman or Bill Compton if they strolled into your neighborhood bar? Don't lie like that. It sickens me.


Books
* This book written by Dave Eggers is inspired by Maurice Sendak's Where the Wild Things are and partly based on the script co-written by Spike Jonze. Cool. This movie had better be as awesome as I need it to be. Have you seen the posters? The posters make up from Transformers 2. They are THAT GOOD.

More later, possibly. I am a busy girl. I have writing galore, because I proclaimed I would finish the rough draft of my Epic Vampire Novel of Dubious Quality, but I wrote nothing yesterday because I was tired and The Daily Show was really funny. I am a terrible, terrible person. Hump Day is hard. AHAHAHA... eh..... no.
- LV

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Some People Juggle Geese!

Blog
* Title comes from Firefly, and it is not a metaphor. I hope.

Politics
* Guys, I am really disappointed. I was hoping Mark Sandford was, I don't know, a spy. Or a ninja. Or an alien. YES. I wanted Mark Sandford to be the first alien to make contact with humans. Something INTERESTING. Or at least having an affair with a gay panda. Instead, blah blah blah, he's having an affair with some normal woman. It would be one thing if it was Sarah Palin, or that Canadian lady who ate the seal heart. Can you IMAGINE their children? But no, the lady seems dignified and normal, excluding her truly disgusting taste in men. This whole story has become a great disappointment. Bring back David Vitter and his Diaper Love. That made me laugh. And throw up, but at least I wasn't BORED.

WTF, INTERNET?
* I have to admit, I am tempted to get this for people I hate:

[Found at NerdApproved]
You get a gift card, put it in one of these vaults, and the person you give it to can't spend the gift card until they beat the game. And those games are the hardest games in the history of the universe. They destroy the psyche. If you want to be REALLY evil, put a fake gift-card in the vault. Then, after hours - nay, DAYS - of desperately trying to get their $100 gift card to Best Buy, they beat the puzzle, open the vault with tears in their eyes, and read on the back of the 'gift card': 'Maybe next time you WON'T fuck my boyfriend. Happy birthday, you walking venereal disease!' Not that I would EVER do that. I don't buy people like that presents.
On the other hand, if someone gets you this vault, you could just smash it with a hammer.

Zombies
* This is JUST what those naive zombie sympathizers want you to think:

[Found at NoiseBot]
I want this shirt, regardless of the lying. If you're foolish enough to believe this, we have no use for you in the wake of the zombie apocalypse. Also, it's a zombie shirt. Everyone needs more of those.

Animals
* Because animals are cute, except for that video I just saw of a COW EATING A BABY CHICK which I am NOT posting to, because HOLY SHIT WHAT'S WRONG WITH NATURE? OK, I will post that video:

VEGANS LIE. If COWS have started eating meat, I should be allowed to enjoy my bacon without your judgment. I don't STEAL MY BACON from it's Mommy Bacon and have it flutter in my mouth, DO I? NO, I do not. This is the freakiest video of the day, and I hate that I know of its existence. Here is a picture of two animals NOT hurting each other:

[Found at UniqueDaily]
The mouse and leopard later became friends, and took down the Killer Cow.

Movies
* There are movies coming out in July that I would like to see (Public Enemies, WOOO) but you could save a lot of time and money by just reading the International Society of Supervillains' movie previews. And Johnny Depp DOES sound like he should be going 'All right all right all right!' in the trailer. CURSE YOU, ISS.

Girly Shit

[Found at FashionServed]
If Elle is correct, and this is the next big trend in fashion, I will be totally happy to be considered unfashionable. I love clothes and all, and fashion, but I have enormous issues with stealing from Ronald McDonald's wardrobe and stopping only long enough to skin a koala for my bag. Suddenly Lady Gaga's outfits seem positively quaint.

Music
* Philippine prisoners doing a dance tribute to Michael Jackson. Sometimes the world is kind of cool.


Daily Hot Guy

[Alexander Skarsgård, AKA Eric Northman from True Blood, who gets snarkier and more evil as each episode passes, and therefore more sexy, and while he cannot beat Sam in my affections, I want him to corrupt me. Also, as my friend said, he and Lafayette are meant to be a power couple. Eric, why are you so afraid of love?]

Technology
* Yeah, it's cute that the robot can read to you NOW:

[Found at CrunchGear]
Until you have it read, I don't know, Necromancer or Do Android's Dream of Electric Sheep?, and it has questions you cannot answer, and the robot decides that it's going to read you your DEATH WARRANT. Then, not so fun.

Watchmen
* Here is a brilliant video about Doctor Manhattan, who has the OPPOSITE problem of Tobias Funke: Instead of being a Never-Nude, he's an ALWAYS NUDE. That joke needs some work. But he does need pants. Very, very badly. And Nite Owl needs to stop crying naked in the basement whenever Rorschach eats all his beans. Because that's what happened in my mind. NOBODY DIED AT THE END OF WATCHMEN. EVERYONE IS FINE. THEY ALL WENT CAMPING.

Tattoo Of Win

[Found at LOLTATZ]
As the comments say, very accurately, Gotham is actually Chicago. Metropolis is New York. So this should be, um, Superman or Spider-Man. Also, I don't know how to feel about this tattoo. In general. Holy mixed media, Batman! Sorry, I'm sorry.

Food

* Deporitaz on Twitter shared this wonder with the world. It doesn't work... YET. But every time my computer angers me, I can chew on this keyboard. WHO CREATED THIS TREASURE? WE MUST WORSHIP YOU.

OK, I need to go do stuff. And it's nice out again. So I'll spend the day in the office. But the office of AWESOME. Truly, you are jealous of my work arrangements. As you should be. They are win.
- LV

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It's Like A Party In My Mouth & Everybody's Throwing Up!

Blog
* Title comes from Futurama.

Food
* Did you know that an onion can soothe a bee-sting? I never get stung by bees, because I do not freak out when I see them, and generally just ignore them until they go away. I am afraid of a number of ridiculous things, but bees are not on the list. On the downside, you then have to spend the day smelling like an onion, which could seriously hamper your social life.

Movies
* Courtney Cox Arquette and David Arquette are determined to completely ruin the memory of the original Scream, by making a fourth movie. The first scared the shit out of me, the second was fairly creepy and had a nice Friday The 13th homage, the third one made no fucking sense and blew. If tradition follows, the fourth will cause cancer, massive brain embolisms, and a deep hatred for Neve Campbell. Plus, how many times can Dewey get STABBED?

* There is going to be a Stretch Armstrong movie. That is the joke, punchline, and tragic resolution all in one sentence.

* A futuristic Macbeth with Anthony Stewart Head as Duncan? If they could somehow meld this with Repo! The Genetic Opera and have Mr. Head sing as he gets murdered, and Lady Macbeth sing as she washes her hands with bleach or cuts off the skin, this would be awesome. The above is also the reason why nobody lets me have any say in movies.

* Click here to see the greatest bit of character casting in the history of the universe, or at least the Thor universe. Also extra points for Beard Win.

Ad!Fail
* Remember that porno-rific Burger King ad? Well, the folks over at Best Week Ever have a few more suggestions on obscene advertising:

[Found at BestWeekEver]

[Found at BestWeekEver]
Clearly, I was absent the day that someone explained why tiny penis-fries are a solid marketing idea. Click here for even more ads, including Dunkin' Donuts, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

Depression Session
* You need to stay buff during the depression. Then, when young hooligans try to steal your last bag of rice, you can beat them to death and feast on their stringy, half-starved flesh. So, in conclusion, you should use bleach bottles as dumbells to get stronger and increase the chance that when cannibalism becomes a necessary evil, you will be the eater instead of the eaten. I'm thinking of your welfare.

Girly Shit
* These are boots collected from military bases, then redesigned with Native American artwork to show different types of American Patriotism:

[Found at CoolHunting]
They are also totally badass, and I want about ten different pairs, because I like boots and irony. Click here for many different styles and colors.

Music
* I like this remix of Lady Gaga's LoveGame featuring Marilyn Manson because, if nothing else, it proves that the difference between pop music and scary rock music is often all in the voice singing the words.

Suddenly it goes from a fun, sexy song to a frightening, threatening tune about how Marilyn Manson will throw you into his pit of depraved LoveGames from which you will never escape.

Technology
* I think the International Society of Supervillains should have to handle all spam mail I receive, forever, because they will laugh and be amused, and then they will destroy you and everything you hold dear, which is the only real way to respond to spam.


Watchmen
* Jackie Earle Haley (or at least his official site) implores you to check out these fan videos. You do not question Mr. Haley. You do as he says, bow before him, and ask him to say "Waiting for a flash of enlightenment in all this blood and thunder," because they CUT IT FROM THE MOVIE. I wish I could make fan videos. I have no skills. Also, as much as I love him, I think knowing Rorschach in high school would have ended up with me dead or deeply resentful. AND TOTALLY WORTH IT.

Daily Hot Guy

[Sam Trammell, making pain and blood required parts of a healthy relationship, DAMN this poster needs to be mine, and he needs to deliver it, and Sunday is True Blood day, HUZZAH]

Tattoo Of Win
* Ouch.

[Found at LOLTATZ]

Food
* If James Bond drank wine instead of martinis, this would be the kit he used to open wine bottles:

[Found at NerdApproved]
Then James would knock out the Russian Spy Lady with the fake bottle, drain it in one chug, have sex with her, have sex with a chair, have sex with a villain, shoot some random henchmen, take off his shirt, put his shirt back on, beat the shit out of a tourist asking for directions, has sex with the tourist asking for directions, puts on another suit, and shoots a big gun, and it is AWESOME.

I have a lot to do today. I have an article to write, I need to work on my book, clean closets... it SEEMS like a lot. To me. I want to go back to sleep. Or watch Mark Sandford cry while Sarah Palin yells about things. It would be like the alpha and omega of political history.
- LV

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My Food Is Problematic.

Blog
* Well, you know what, River? MY food is DELICIOUS. Title is from Firefly. Please don't hurt me, River.

* This may seem like shameless self-promotion, but I find this too flattering NOT to mention. Mary K, a reader and amazing blogger in her own right (her book reviews are essential, and fabulous reading) nominated my blog for an award. Because my screaming about zombies and shoes and Watchmen seems to appeal to some people. Weirdos. Thank you so much, and I will aspire to keep this blog entertaining, if nothing else.

Apocalypse How?
* I often say I want to move to England. Not just because I find the accents wicked sexy, or they invented Doctor Who, or High Wizard Alan Moore lives out there, or I could find Russell Brand and tackle him and love him politely greet him, or because I actually LIKE the food and the music and the weather. Those are all good and solid reasons, but here is an additional impetus: They have a plan for surviving a nuclear attack. Hopefully not just reading V For Vendetta and praying that Hugo Weaving will don the mask and let his sexy voice lead us all to freedom. That tears it. I'm going to England, just as soon as someone finds a way to get me there that doesn't involve an airplane.

WTF, INTERNET?
* It's things like this that make me sort of hate surfers, no matter how nice/sexy they are:

[Found at LikeCool]
This is a wetsuit with shark bites already in place, to make you look cool, I guess. I don't know. To be honest, the guy looks rather toolish and smug with his fancy wetsuit. And what happens when he gets bitten by an ACTUAL shark? 'Hey, I think Shane is in serious trouble. There's a hunk of his leg missing and he's having trouble swimming. 'Ah, he's just messing around. It's part of his wetsuit.' 'Oh. Sure does look realistic. Who wants another Coronoa?' And then Shane is all DEAD, isn't he?

Zombies
* LEGO ZOMBIES FTW. DRAWINGS OF LEGO ZOMBIES:

[Found at BoingBoing]
That's all.

Nature
* Someone stole a dinosaur head. Don't ask me, I didn't do it. I DIDN'T. I was studying for the LSATs at the time, and I SEE you admiring my new hat-rack that's shaped like the skull of a large animal, I GOT IT AT URBAN OUTFITTERS. No, you can't borrow it.

Movies
* Johnny Depp has a private island, with a beach named in honor of my late imaginary husband, Hunter S. Thompson. This has little to do with movies, except that Johnny Depp is IN movies quite often, and in the internal movie of my mind Johnny Depp takes me to his private island, and I am best friends with everyone cool, and I marry Russell Brand, because even in my internal movie I am MORAL, dammit, and would not get involved with a man in a committed relationship, unless I could maybe find a really good excuse.

* ALSO I forgot to add this to my Transformers 2 review: DOESN'T THE WHOLE, 'HE HAS INFORMATION IN HIS BRAIN THAT AN ALIEN RACE DESIRES' PLOTLINE REMIND YOU OF HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY, ONLY GONE HORRIBLY, HORRIBLY WRONG?

Ad!Fail
* So, Burger King ad execs got up one morning, rubbed the sleep from their eyes, looked out the window and said, 'You know what? Subtlety is for assholes':

[Found at Gawker]
Although I don't really understand why this would make anyone want to EAT this thing. I mean, unless eating it makes girls suddenly lose their composure with lust, but even then wouldn't they be more interested in the sandwich than you? And as a member of the fairer sex (we have our moments), let me just say that this does not make me want to buy this sandwich. Size does matter, boys, but when that's all you've got to offer, the appeal fades fairly quickly.

Doctor Who
* Doctor Who Documentary. What else do you need to know?

Depression Session
* The recession will change fashion. That goes under 'effing duh.' Because when you lose your job and have to move home with your parents, and end up getting a part-time job at McDonald's, you aren't in the ideal mindframe to spend $8,000 on a handbag. No matter HOW pretty it is. But expensive shoes are another story. I need those.

Girly Shit
* Someone call the hospital. Marc Jacobs has LOST HIS MIND. I wish it weren't so, but I only speak the truth. Brace yourself for the hideous visual explanation:

[Found at Fashonologie]
This is from his new collection. He is very, very sick. Symptoms include thinking that it's the nineties, and that MC Hammer pants are appealing to ANYONE, including MC Hammer himself, the compulsion to wear big floppy bows around your neck, only dressing in puke colors, and wearing painful green shoes. May be airborne, and highly contagious. Cure involves looking at old Versace ads and breathing deeply into a Louis Vuitton bag. Proceed with caution.

Music
* As if ANYONE needed any more reasons to hate U2, here's them talking about the Spider-Man Musical:

The Edge can live, I guess, if he MUST, but really? Bono makes my eyeballs BLEED BLOOD. To say nothing of my delicate ears. I'm going to play The Damned so as to cleanse my skull.

Daily Hot Guy

[Hunter Stockton Thompson, shirtless. This blog will celebrate his birthday with debauchery, decadence, and drugs, STAY TUNED]

Watchmen
* THE DIRECTOR'S CUT WILL BE IN THEATERS. WE NEED TO GO SEE IT. BLOG FIELD TRIP. I AM SERIOUS. WHO IS COMING WITH ME TO NEW YORK? WE ARE GOING. IT WILL BE LIFE-CHANGING. WE CAN SEE IT THE WEEKEND OF JULY 17TH. THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPS IN MY LOCK TO EXPRESS MY HYSTERICAL JOY.
OH SHIT. WE HAVE A PROBLEM. It's only playing in one theater per city. CURSE YOU ZACK SNYDER. WHY WOULD YOU PLAY WITH MY HEART? OK, the rest of you are uninvited. Survival of the FITTEST. GOD DAMMIT. Also, Snyder only loves people with Blu-Ray, which I do NOT HAVE.
Do you know how HARD IT IS to be a fan of this fandom? Twilight fans don't have to put up with this BULLSHIT. Although the star of their movie was hit by a cab in a non-fatal and therefore HILARIOUS episode, so I guess that evens things out, maybe?

I need to get tickets. NOW. And the new poster JUST FOR THIS EVENT. Who wants to help me? All joking aside. We will swarm like NINJAS. Or Vigilantes. I will wear my fedora, and my fingerless gloves and my trenchcoat, and it will RULE. WHO'S READY TO GET TICKETS AND RETRIBUTION?!

Work now. Oh, and my tooth is cracked or chipped or something and it HURTS and life is CHALLENGING, man.
- LV

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Calculon Is Gonna Kill Us & It's All Everybody Else's Fault!

Blog
* Oh, Bender. It's always Calculon's fault. Always.

* Sorry for the lack of an update yesterday, but was busy, doing things. Also, it was Father's Day, which doesn't have anything directly to do with me since I'm a girl, but I HAVE a father, and I like him usually, so I had to be present. Also there was delicious food that demanded my eating it.

Depression Session
* This is a cute cardboard house in which to live once you have no money for a real house, with lights and electricity and dignity, and of course it would be nice to be in poverty but still fashionable, but what happens when it rains?

[Found at IncredibleThings]
Yeah, it rains, and you end up sitting in a pile of sodden cardboard that was once your home, wondering at what point your life careened out of control and left you bereft and soaked. I'd say you'd have to worry about robbers, given the lack of security, but really, even the most strung-out druggie isn't going to try their luck in a cardboard house. Silver lining?

Girly Shit
* I dislike Megan Fox, because I think she's boring and tacky and untalented, and she has terrible tattoos, and who gets THEIR OWN POETRY TATTOOED ON THEIR BODY but I really, really want these shoes:

[Found at TheDailyPump]
I would happily live in the cardboard house in order to afford these shoes. Admittedly, the zombie apocalypse would become far more problematic, since I'd be living with no defense system and wearing shoes I couldn't run in, but you know what? Sometimes you have to suffer for fashion. Or Megan Fox could give me a pair, to make up for the fact that I know too much about this woman and her life.

Music
* If you are going to get arrested for illegally downloading music, at least let it be good music. At least get fined a fuckload of money for music that is cool and edgy and interesting. And look, I get that music costs money, and that musicians should get paid for their work, and I get annoyed when people illegally download movies (although Be Kind Rewind has a powerful statement about copyright bullshit) and I use iTunes for my music purchases, thank you VERY MUCH, but you know what? This is bullshit. Just ban her from the damn site. Or tell her since she broke the law, you'll monitor her IP address for some period of time. But Music Industry, technology is changing, and you need to get with it and alter your rather archaic attitude towards downloading. Because scary as it is to get charged over a million bucks for a few incredibly awful songs, most people won't stop. They'll just get better at swiping music. Not me. This blog stretches the limits of my technological skills. I try to do something like that, the internet BREAKS. Which the Music Industry might like, actually.

Technology
* If God text the Ten Commandments, I might not be an atheist:

"1. no1 b4 me. srsly.

2. dnt wrshp pix/idols

3. no omg's"

The rest are here. Hallowed be thy name.

Watchmen
* This was sent to me via Twitter, and I WANT IT WHY IS THIS NOT MINE?!


IT IS A RORSCHACH PILLOW AND IT COMES FROM JAPAN AND RORSCHACH IS A GODDAMN PILLOWCASE I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M SO INSANE ABOUT THIS BUT I WANT TO SNUGGLE IT. FOREVER. LOOK AT HIS LITTLE WEE SOCKS WITH HOLES IN THEM OMFG I WILL DARN THEM FOR HIM. RORSCHACH PILLOW. OH GOD HOW DO I COME TO CALL YOU MY OWN?!

Tattoo Of Win

[Found at LOLTATZ]

Food
* Ew. I'm sorry, but EW.

“When Tim Browne sits down to a bowl of corn flakes in the morning, he slurps up one unusual, and controversial, extra ingredient: his own daughter’s breast milk."

There's a reason, a health reason, but I refuse to get past the fact that a man is ingesting his own child's breast milk. Also, the article uses the word 'slurp.' I no longer am hungry.

Comics
* Dear Josh: Your analysis of shit comics makes me laugh, and for that I tip my hat to you, sir. Do not stop, because otherwise the terrorists win. And Blondie becomes a sad, sad testament to the fall of a society and the death of creativity. And it's Monday. I don't NEED that.

Words Of Win
* This is exactly what would happen if I drove a tour bus. I once tried to drive to the town next to mine for coffee, and ended up in New York. My sense of direction is either reversed, or set up for a wholly different planet.

see more Fail Blog

YouTube Wonders
* It's Monday, which means most people are cranky and hostile, so it seemed like a good time to post this link to a girl and her family who I want to yell at and make snarky comments about, because they disgust me with EVERYTHING THEY DO:

HOLY SHIT.

Movies
* Johnny Depp must be so pleased with the new Alice photos:

[Found Iconocast]
He has finally scared me out of finding him attractive. At least for a few minutes. Here's another shot, which terrifies me, and includes Anne Hathaway and Helena Bonham Carter, who also scares me but who I want to be best friends with because she knows everyone and is from another, more interesting plane of existence:

And here's an article. Michael Sheen is playing the White Rabbit. HOW WONDERFUL IS THAT GOING TO BE?!

Daily Hot Guy

[David Tennant, who is going to be the sexiest Hamlet in the history of Shakespeare, and who reminds me in this picture of his short but pivotal role as Barty Crouch, Jr. in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, which I love mainly because in the scene below he goes from an elegant and collected young gentleman to completely twitchy bugshit insane in about thirty seconds, and that is HOT]
OK, there should be a video here, but I couldn't find it on YouTube because I SUCK. And I have to go to work. I'll find it LATER. Maybe.
- LV

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Mom After All These Years God’s Not Going To Take A Call From You.

Blog
* Title is from Arrested Development. God hangs up on the Bluths.

Movies
* There is absolutely NO REASON to make a movie out of Where's Waldo, There is NONE. I challenge you to find one. There's no real plot, and if they cast Will Ferrell the sun will be swallowed into the ocean. This is almost as bad as Bazooka Joe: The Movie. Hollywood is out to wreck my brain.

Books
* A little girl's uterus will prevent her from enjoying fire, monsters, explosions, or anything fun at all. These Doodle Books have shown me the truth of my gender, and how I really just should like cleaning myself hysterically and dancing, even though when I dance I look like Elaine in Seinfeld and people worry I'm seizing. I'm sorry I was wrong about everything I ever liked. I will immediately start bathing five to six times a day and take up needlework. (And yes, I do knit and I like knitting a lot, but that's not the POINT. I can like knitting AND explosions. I am a creature of mystery, dammit.)

People I Love
* This guy is AWESOME:

[Found at UniqueDaily]
I want to marry him and have little somersaulting BABIES and be happy and somersault from helicopters at our wedding. It will be GLORIOUS. You are all invited.

Remake!Fail
* Teen Wolf should not be remade. I don't know how much clearer I can be. Michael J. Fox cannot be imitated or replaced. His goodness and adorable come along so rarely, why would anyone try to undermine that? FOR SHAME.

Star Trek
* This is going to be the cake at my imaginary wedding to Zachary Quinto:

[Found at Neatorama]
And we will ride in on black unicorns and he will do the Vulcan Nerve Pinch on my ex-boyfriend, and I will win the lottery, and then I wake up and cry because life is not NEARLY that awesome. Here are more cakes of Trekdom, including a massively scary Captain Picard cake.

TeeVee
* V is going to be the best show on TV, except of course for Heroes, True Blood, House, Human Target, Glee, 30 Rock, The Colbert Report, The Daily Show, Doctor Who, Torchwood...

Journalism
* This video of Sean Hannity and Sarah Palin talking in the woods feels like a deleted scene from a really bad horror/porno movie:

Tell me it doesn't seem that way. Look me in the eye and tell me you don't expect a serial killer to jump out and slash while Ms. Palin runs naked through the woods. It's like Evil Dead, only AWFUL and sad instead of funny, and everyone you love dies, the end.

Geek Want
* This is a motorized pool chair:

[Found at LikeCool]
I want this. My parents have a pool, which I rarely go into. This way I could sit in my seat and motor around the pool, sipping a martini (dirty with extra olives) and dictating the execution of my enemies by my sexy minions. What? WHAT? It's raining and gross, and I want some sexy minions. They could go to the grocery store for seltzer. I need some. But in reference to the chair, can it electrocute you? Because pathological laziness is a really awkward cause of death.

Politics
* Bill O'Reilly is a filthy, unabashed liar and spinner of false bullshit, and doesn't even have the courage to stand behind his asinine and offensive belief system. In other news, the sky is blue.

WTF, INTERNET?
* Part of the reason I am so delighted to be a female is that when I am turned on, I can keep it a secret. It is nobody's business but mine and my filthy little mind. Now there are people out to destroy my privacy. This bra I am about to show you pushes up your boobs in conjunction with how aroused you are:

[Found at Jezebel]
I imagine that if I met Russell Brand the bra would explode. That could be entertaining, at least until the paramedics showed up.

Zombies
* When I am rich, I will blow up this poster, and it will be one full wall of my old spooky farmhouse:

[Found at BoingBoing]
Or maybe not. It might not go with the decor. But I want it, regardless. They're such cute zombies! And I never thought I'd say that.

Animals
* Baby pandas are tiny! Tiny animals are inherently cuter. It's in the Bible. And it's WHITE. Like a Dalmatian, before Cruelle De Ville shows up to buy them all to make a fur coat, and I CRIED because I thought she would hurt the wee puppies. Here's the panda:

[Found at ChinaDaily]
I want to feed it bamboo. Can pandas become infected by the zombie virus? Why are there no zombie pandas? HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE?

Daily Hot Guy

[Christopher Eccleston, master of facial hair, who CONTINUES to play games with my emotions by insisting on being in SHIT MOVIES, and what the hell happened to New Orleans, Mon Amour? DO I REALLY HAVE TO GO SEE GI JOE FOR YOU?]

Ads
* It's Saturday, and I hate weekends, on principal, so here is a truly disturbing ad about safe sex:

[Found at SociologicalImages]
I'm not insane about this, though. The ad makes me cringe, as a girl who does not want spiders or crawly things ANYWHERE NEAR my unmentionables. But I'm not like crying or throwing up or putting on multiple pairs of underwear. If it was a Daddy Long-Legs, I'd be catatonic. But anyway, this does not say anything to me about Safe Sex. It says, 'Hire an exterminator, and maybe buy more bug spray.' More images of creepy inappropriateness can be found here.

Apocalypse How?
* This isn't really the end of the world, but for me it could be. I dislike flying. I really, really do. I have flown all over the country, and to Europe, and I love traveling, but I spend most of my time airborne either weeping like a small child or drinking everything that might make me stop crying. I know the statistics, and that it's more dangerous to drive a car, but a car won't suddenly EXPLODE AND PLUMMET TO THE EARTH IN A HOWLING RAIN OF FIRE AND DEATH, unless you're driving a Yaris. The Air France thing only bugs me as a flier because they don't quite know WHY the plane broke. Or where it went. But I do try to be at least slightly reasonable about flying, because I love going to new places. This story about the pilot dropping dead during a flight does not help me. And they were flying to Jersey. DO YOU SEE THE IMPLICATIONS? And don't tell me that the plane landed just fine, and that there was another pilot. I've seen Turbulence. I KNOW how things are. Mamma didn't raise no fool.

More later, if I have time. Family stuff, then fun in the city, despite the NEVERENDING RAIN, which I am FINE WITH. Sunlight is overrated. Just ask the dudes on True Blood. And they are attractive and fictional, so they MUST be right.
- LV

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Also I Can Kill You With My Brain.

Blog
* Poor Jayne got abused a lot on Firefly. Luckily his hat kept him from further misery.

Music
* I will no longer apologize for my love of Lady Gaga and her bizarre fashion choices, because god dammit she is FUN. Here is a video of her shopping, and now I want more sunglasses. Wednesdays are hard enough without being reminded of my poverty.
And here is a life-altering video of Lady Gaga doing an acoustic version of 'Paparazzi,' while wearing a pirate hat. I don't feel the need to explain this anymore. Just accept it.


Technology
* I have a very hateful relationship with cameras. I used to be fat (and when I say fat, I mean I could sit on you and they'd never find you. I lost over sixty pounds, people. That is more than my brother weighs) and I avoided cameras like the plague they were. Then I lost the weight, but whenever anyone takes a picture of me I make a weird, awful expression. One friend described it as, 'The look a fox makes before the dogs catch it,' which I do not appreciate. So here's an article on how to appear more photogenic, and hopefully I will stop baring my teeth and grinning like Vana White.

Watchmen
* Dude who wrote Watchmen is writing another comic movie, this one Deadworld. Myep. That's not Watchmen-rific enough, is it? No, it is not. Here are two Watchmen pics, because it's Wednesday, and it starts with a W and so does Watchmen, and I do not need any other reason, DO I?


I'd like to grapple HIS hook, if you know what I mean. I hope you do. Because I have no idea.

Tattoo Of Win
* OK, someone needs to tell me what this is, because it HAUNTS me. I have sent it to people, asked strangers on the street, and I cannot get an answer:

[Found at LOLTATZ]
I believe there's a chicken somewhere in this tattoo.

Food
* This is a honey-baked ham cupcake:

[Found at Neatorama]
There is actual cake in there, wrapped lovingly in ham and topped with pineapple. I want to throw these at vegans, because on True Blood the raw vegan is MEAN to Eddie the Pathetic Vampire, and that is so sad, and also my dad is a vegan, and I have eaten Tofurkey, which oozes grey fluids, so I am allowed to make vegan jokes, and even if I'm not allowed I fully intend to continue. MEAT.

Comics
* I read somewhere on the internet (so that means it's true) that Pete Wentz likes to drink breast milk, or urine, or some other fluid I do not need to know about him drinking, and also he gave his spawn a truly idiotic name (and I wanted to name my kid 'Fox' once, after Mulder, so don't talk to me about weird names) and he's annoying and I don't particularly like or dislike his music per se, but his persona is beyond words, and for these reasons, HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO BE INVOLVED IN THE COMIC INDUSTRY. Gerard Way is, though. Because I like My Chemical Romance. Stop judging me with your eyes.

Words Of Win

[Found at Indexed]

YouTube Wonders
* Star Trek + Monty Python = The Best Argument For The Existence Of God I Have Seen This Month:


Movies
* I got my brother a Watchmen shirt. He's eleven, and the shirt showed all the main characters from the movie/comic - Rorschach, Nite Owl, Ozymandias, Doctor Manhattan, and the Comedian. My brother loves this shirt. He wore it to school for a week straight. Until he was sent home with a note saying that he could no longer wear the shirt, because it featured the Comedian smoking a cigar. I told him to tell them it wasn't a cigar, it was a joint. He didn't, which is probably why I'm not in jail, but this falls under Stupidity That Hurts Me. So does the anti-smoking brigade that says ANY movie with ANY smoking should be rated R. Because clearly adding further mystique and danger to the idea of smoking will make kids stay FAR away from cigarettes, weed, and cigars. Wolverine has enough problems, what with the awful new movie, without having to deal with people getting all Freudian about his cigars.
Note: My mother just compared my brother wearing his Watchmen shirt to my brother wearing a shirt depicting hardcore pornography. Clearly my point has failed to make contact. I weep for the future of this country.

Books
* Roald Dahl begged you to immunize your kids. So does Cory Doctorow. HOW CAN YOU SAY NO TO THEIR JOINT WISDOM?

People I Love - New Category!
* Because some people's badassery and win needs to be honored, and they are just too cool for the Stupid People category. Read and be amazed: There is a record for 'People Simultaneously Air-Guitaring', and it has been BROKEN.

Daily Hot Guy

[Zachary Quinto, who I love and am not going to wonder over his sexuality, because that is insane, and because I think deep down we all know the truth, but he's still gorgeous and talented and sweet in his interviews, and I am not nuts enough to get upset over that, although if I turn out to be wrong I GET DIBS ON HIM. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, please don't call the SWAT team, I have work]

More later. Time to go make some monies, which I need, for AMERICA. Actually for clothes. And maybe a pirate hat. Just saying.
- LV

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We're In The Middle Of Nowhere. Which Is The Safest Part Of Nowhere.

Blog
* Oh, Fry. Maybe you should be quiet until Futurama gets put back on TV. Just to be safe.

Depression Session
* Please tell me you're kidding. I know I make up a lot of words (but mine are brilliant - Rorgasm? Quintorgy? These are signs of GENIUS people, don't steal my ideas, PATENT PENDING) but whoever invented the phrase 'funemployment' has secured themselves a glorious spot in hell. Because nothing says 'never-ending whirlwind of fun and excitement' like having no money or career, and having to move home with your parents because you can't afford to live on your own, and be looking for a second job EVEN THOUGH YOU WORK REALLY HARD, and crying over car payments, and then feeling guilty because you don't have it even HALF as bad as a lot of people out there, so yeah, let's all party, WHOOOO.

Girly Shit
* Makeup is KILLING ALL OF US WITH THE POISONS. I blame it on Mondays. And Bill O'Reilly. OK, not really the second one. But why can't makeup ever give us cool super-powers. I want my eyeliner to give me heat vision, or my blush to make me immune to the cold. Instead, it gives us cancer. That's just UNFAIR.

Music
* I feel like I need to explain my switching from Team Lady Gaga Sucks & Needs To Put On Some Damn Pants to Team Gaga Rules But Still Needs To Put On Some Damn Pants. After much harassment from multiple sources, I watched the 'Paparazzi' video. And it was brilliant. Then I watched the video for 'Beautiful Dirty Rich' and I want to live in that video. Ultimately, I think it's because she's fun. Now, don't get me wrong. Girl needs to put on pants, or a skirt. That shit is not OK. And I'm fairly certain that if I met her in real life I'd find her pretentious and steal all her wigs and then never wear them, but I would like to OWN wigs such as hers. Her voice is amazing, her songs are catchy and fun, and damn it, it's summer and I'd like some fun cool music to listen to in the car. Also I want her hair, sometimes. And her attitude. And she's short like me, so represent. But she does remind me of a lot of the girls I went to college with that infuriated me with their pretensions. So it's a complicated relationship we have. I'd like to sit her down with some tea and explain why skirts are fun, and ask where she got her fingerless gloves, because MINE are from Hot Topic, and then discuss which designers we don't like and see if she could maybe introduce me to some celebrities, and then we would go shoe shipping. Because, really, how can you hate someone who goes out in public, of their own volition, looking like this:

WHERE DO YOU EVEN GET SHIT LIKE THIS? Oh, and Lady Gaga may be the new face of Mac makeup, which I predict will be hysterically funny, because those people have NO IDEA what they're getting themselves into.

Technology
* Teeny tiny robots crawling through your veins is either A) Adorable B) Terrifying C) Amazing D) Miscategorized, & should be placed under Apocalypse How, E) Some bizarre combination of the above.

Watchmen
* Nothing good related to Watchmen ever happens in New Jersey. THIS IS UNFAIR. While most of the events take place in New York (or Mars, or Antarctica), Rorschach spent a large portion of his childhood in New Jersey. We should be HONORED AS SUCH. Instead, we get zilch. Unfair. Because New Orleans is getting Watchmen, and I cannot get to New Orleans to SEE these remarkable presentations on Watchmen, and I have a Watchmen tattoo, ergo I should get to go to any Watchmen event I want, free, with complimentary airfare and drugs to get me on the airplane, the end. It says so in the Bible. OF MY MIND.

Tattoo Of Win

[Found at LOLTATZ]
I spent almost a full minute squinting at my computer screen, trying to determine if that was shading or strategic back hair surrounding the tracks. I believe it's the former. I need to believe it's the former.

Daily Hot Guy
* I AM adding more guys to this section, but Russell Brand is lovely, so stop complaining.

[Russell Brand, who is the sly nymph of sex and hair]

Food
* This is a burger made out of marshmallows:

[Found at NerdApproved]
And no, I don't want to eat it. Although I would be delighted to poke it with a fork. Or microwave it. That would be life-changing.

Comics
* I firmly believe that Family Circus is only allowed to exist because it gives Josh something to make fun of, and makes me snork into my coffee every morning. Which hurts, actually, so I don't know why I'm endorsing his hilarious website since it causes my sinuses even MORE pain.

Words Of Win

see more Fail Blog

YouTube Wonders
* I am still catching up on season 1 of True Blood (OH THE SEXY SOUTHERN VAMPIRE TRAUMA WHEN DOES IT END?) so I didn't watch last night's season premiere, but this almost broke my resolve to watch the episodes in order:


Movies
* Dear Sam Raimi: Because Drag Me To Hell was the best major horror movie I've seen in YEARS, and because I loved it so hard, I don't really care if Spider-Man 4 sucks. I'm sorry, but you killed off my favorite character already (AS ALWAYS) and the third one had only one or two scenes to recommend it, and what was WRONG with Peter Parker's Evil Hairdo? So while it's nice that you're apparently listening to fans for the fourth installment, I'm sort of indifferent at this point. And I dislike Kirsten Dunst. Just putting that out there.

* Up was the bestest kids movie of the year. Unsurprisingly. I LOVE ED ASNER. I do. And I cried wildly throughout the movie, to the point where my little brother was trying to switch seats to get away from me. But it was AMAZING. I loved it so hard. Anything else would ruin it. Just go see it. Again and again. ED ANSWER FTW.

Stupid People
* Look, I know I'm a little late to the game on this topic, but I wanted time to think about it before I said anything. I want to say something about the murder of Dr. Tiller. This is not going to be an abortion debate. I have not had enough coffee for that particular discussion, and it makes me shouty anyway. I do not want to have that conversation right now. Maybe later. For now, can we all agree that ANYONE who celebrates the brutal murder of another human being deserves the heading of 'Stupid Person' and that maybe the people who are typing hateful comments about how great his murder was should THINK before they are allowed near a computer? Can we all agree on that? Because whether or not you agreed with what he did or thought it was criminal (although it WAS LEGAL) the taking of a life is reprehensible. There, I'm done for now.

Books
* These are not real books, but they combine books and timepieces (yes, that was a Heroes reference. I think I'm immune to coffee), and that is glorious:

[Found at IncredibleThings]
You notice how cool people work with watches? Jon Osterman, before he became a naked blue EXPLODER OF PEOPLE I LOVE. And Gabriel Gray, before he became, um, even hotter in his crazy? I don't know where I was going with this, except now I want a watch. And Sylar.

More later, maybe, maybe not. Work is weird today. And I have writing to do.
- LV

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