* I have never tasted pumpkin walnut fudge. I don't like white chocolate. There's no chocolate in it, did you know that IT IS A CHOCOLATE OF FALSE TRUTHS. But these do look tasty:
[Jensen Ackles, AKA Dean Winchester from Supernatural AKA I have NO idea what I'm typing right now, because, really, LOOK AT HIM. My word. God damn. What's going on? Um.... yeah. OK. Being attacked by zombies is WORTH it sometimes. I might even pretend I don't know how to destroy them, to make him feel good about himself. I'm a caring young woman.]
* Like every child of a certain age, I loved R.L. Stine's Goosebumps books. They were fun and creepy and terrible, terrible books that I would never admit to reading in public. But if I was home sick, I had a STACK of them beside me. Here are some of the best, before they inexplicably made a funny version, and a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure version, which I DO NOT APPROVE OF.
* Those of you that read my personal blog (and why aren't the rest of you? It has PICTURES and MUSIC) know that yesterday I decided to be a steampunk zombie hunter for Halloween. Steampunk aspect will be cobbled together, and depends very much on finding a corset. The zombie hunter regalia is inspired by this godlike creature: [Found at Digitally Blonde] I BOUGHT THAT HAT, PEOPLE. The details of the costume, and it's construction, are at my blog, and I'm not repeating it all here. But for those of you NAYSAYERS who doubt that steampunk and Tallahassee can mix, I LAUGH in your face and go off to find Twinkies.
I still can't seem to find a knife sheath. That worries me.
Apocalypse How? * Oh, look, it's a robot that dances and does chores for you, with a smile: [Found at DVICE] Nope, NOTHING bad will come of this. The robot won' serve you your HEAD on a PLATTER. Nope, no worries HERE. What? The shotgun? It's a... a precaution. Against bugs.
Epic!Fail * Good News: People still do buy books. Bad News? These are the books we're reading: [Found at Wonkette] I don't have to LIKE the books you're reading, but could they at least not conclusively LOWER your IQ every time you see the cover. DAN BROWN CAN'T WRITE. Now if you need me, I'll be snuggling my own unpublished manuscript and banging my head against a wall. COULD EVERYONE JUST GO BUY A WILL CHRISTOPHER BAER BOOK? FOR ME?
Books * As if Wednesdays aren't depressing enough (and really, is it STILL pouring out? Can't it just settle for moody and overcast?), here's an interactive map of banned books. Like, recently banned books. Books banned THIS YEAR. We, in America, still ban books for being offensive. And RIP OUT THE PAGES. This shouldn't surprise me, but it DOES, and now I'm sad. Even Dan Brown doesn't deserve that. Even STEPHENIE MEYERS doesn't deserve that shit. I get pissy when people use books as doorstops. I catch you HURTING a book, shit is going DOWN.
Daily Hot Guy * So I'm pretty sure Eli Roth is a total jackass. And the Hostel movies are excrement. I am AWARE of these facts: [Eli Roth, director of Cabin Fever, the Jew Bear in Inglourious Basterds, and a friend of Quentin Tarantino. That's why I like him. And his trailer in Grindhouse CRACKED ME UP. And he's hot, in a smug asshole sort of way, RIGHT?]
Childhood!Fail * They're making a Barbie movie. I didn't even like Barbie when I was supposed to (she did get eaten by my toy dinosaurs regularly, or trampled by my herd of model horses.... why are you all looking at me like that?
The only bright spot in what will surely be an offensive, idiotic journey down memory lane is that in recent commercials they've used the 'Barbie Girl' song by Aqua, which makes fun of Barbie, so maybe the whole film will be a parade of misunderstood pop culture references. I'd enjoy that.
* FINALLY. JUSTICE IS SWIFT AND TOTAL: [Drawn by Erin] Except I wonder how much he eats before he realizes that Trix isn't really very good.
* I am jealous of Patience's mad knitting skills. I make arm warmers that look sort of pukish and sad. She makes this: Plus I steal all her memes, because she is the meme fairy, and also she's just badass. TRUFAX.
Technology * I don't know about this: [Found at Wired] It's a T-Shirt that tells others how you're feeling. You press a button, and it informs the world of your emotion. But what if I'm feeling perspicacious? Or downtrodden but determined? What if I'm feeling wryly amused with a bittersweet emotion? Don't LABEL me. I am a creature of MYSTERY.
Art * This is not art. This is an ABOMINATION. I will never be the same again: [Found at Like Cool] I'm in a safe place, and it's safe here, and there are no clowns, CLOWNS. OH GOD, THE CLOWNS. DON'T SEND IN THE CLOWNS.
I can fend off a zombie, I just can't handle Pennywise. WHO COULD?!
Comics I miss Bill Watterson. I miss Calvin and Hobbes. But I respect his decision to go out into the woods and paint pictures. I'm pretty intrigued by this book about him, though. And I love this xkcd comic: [Found at xkcd] Hold your mouse over it, and miss Watterson all over again.
Halloween * Behold! The pumpkin cheeseburger: [Found at Geekologie] I must be getting old, because all I think is how bad it's going to smell after a few days.
* I love candy corn. It is pure sugar, colored for my enjoyment. I love it. I only eat it around Halloween, because it really isn't very good, if you stop and TASTE it. But I love it. And now I can make it AT HOME IN MANY COLORS: [Found at Tasting Table] It's all to advertise some cookbook. I'm a good cook, but I'm also lazy, so maybe you buy the book and cook it for me, yes? I like anything that doesn't have raisins or coconut.
Daily Hot Guy [Gerard Way, lead singer of the band My Chemical Romance. I was told by a good friend that I don't have NEARLY enough musical people in this category, and the MCR boys are hot in that guyliner/neo-punk-emo way that I shamefully ADORE. And you know what? MCR is a fun, good band. See, this is why musical people rarely grace the DHG section; I end up defending my taste in music.]
Food!Fail * I don't care if this is the most delicious food ever created. It well may be. After all, it is:
A sandwich filled with four cheeseburgers, a double cheesesteak, a chicken cheesesteak, gyro meat, grilled chicken, bacon, sausage, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, chicken nuggets, mac n’ cheese bites, fried mushrooms, jalapeño poppers, pizza bites, onion rings, hash browns, American cheese, mayo, and ketchup on two rolls.
I mean, I LIKE most of those things separately. Right? So mixing them should be good, right? [Found at This Is Why You're Fat] OH FUCK, IT LOOKS LIKE A GANGRENOUS WOUND. The only redeeming factor in this whole food!fail is that if I had one of these, I could probably get Dean Winchester from Supernatural's attention by waving it in his face.
Politics * I don't like Newt Gingrich, for so many reasons. However, none of those have to do with why I'd like him to stop being on Twitter. It's just this: [Found at Wonkette] Mr. Gingrich, for the sake of America, maybe stop using Twitter? For war reenactments? Or just stop using it? Go back to Facebook.
Incidentally, I realized that Halloween is THIS weekend, and I have no idea what to be. Suggestions? So far these are my ideas: - Kiki from FREAKANGELS - A zombie hunter, a la Zombieland. - Someone from Repo! The Genetic Opera. Look, I just want an excuse to wear my kick-ass purple boots, and not FREEZE, otherwise I would just dress up as Lady Gaga. So offer suggestions? Please? I am not creative.
* This may be the cutest allergy ever: [Drawn by Erin] Look at her knees! They are ridiculously adorable! Yeah, the caffeine isn't working yet if I'm gushing over cartoon knees. Even if it is frigging adorable.
* I love Patience, because A) she quoted Tombstone, and my FAVORITE LINE in Tombstone, and that is sweet, and B) she is awesome, generally, and C) she made this: SHE KNITTED POO. POOOOOOO.
Food!Fail * I'm reorganizing categories in my blog, and if you have a PROBLEM with that, you have to eat these: [Found at Friggin Random] I don't, because it's my blog, and I'm allergic to skinless wieners. Stop laughing.
Halloween * Like most people of a certain age/disposition, I love Halloween. And that is why I want these pancake molds of scary adorable: [Found at Incredible Things] Are these the cutest pancakes ever? I think so. I THINK THEY ARE DELICIOUS. I will eat these ghosts, and they can haunt the shit out of me, if they want, because I will be so happy.
Politics * I kind of love Robert Gibbs, because I feel like he would be a great friend to have in a tight spot. He would casually rip your enemies a new asshole, but in such a way that the other person would have no idea how to retaliate. Look at the way he diminishes Dick Cheney's very existence:
Then again, it IS Dick Cheney, and he is the Evil Ogre beneath the bridge that eats our adorable goats. That sentence went away from me, but my point remains VALID. Robert Gibbs is my defense lawyer, I just decided.
* Guys, I am tired. I have a lot of unpleasant work today, I will be rubbing caffeine in my eyeballs in a few hours, and it's FRIDAY. A DAY OF JOY. So I don't know about this: [Found at Regretsy] I don't know. Why is there Obama coffee? Why? I don't know. I am very tired.
Daily Hot Guy [Hugh Laurie, the Original Hot Male British Actor. He and Tim Roth's characters need to join forces for the BIGGEST CASE EVER. Really, Hugh Laurie was in Blackadder, and Tim Roth was in Pulp Fiction, and I think they're the only two British actors who have yet to appear in the Harry Potter franchise. He's got amazing eyes and gorgeous hands. Plus, his book is really quite good.]
Apocalypse How? * Hah, we have a Dollhouse for flies now, and can manufacture feelings of fear and pain, and did anyone see that movie The Signal? I did not like it very much, but WHAT IF IT TURNS OUT TO BE TRUE? Going crazy is not the same as being a zombie. Sorry, wrong category. Um, Alpha as a fly would be terribly interesting. Yeah, we're doomed.
Let me be clear: You BUY an eBook, with your money. It's yours. Your eBook reader gets old, and you get a new one. By this law, you CANNOT TRANSFER your book. That you bought. With your money.
I need to call bullshit. As my college professor often said, 'Information Wants To Be Free.' Stealing and sharing are different. Could someone explain this to Canada?
Books * You all know I love the website Topless Robot, even though it shows me the most nightmarish fanfiction I have EVER seen, and I will never be OK, because, guys DARKWING DUCK EROTIC FANFICTION, WHUT?!
Topless Robot is of the opinion that this book is a cash grab by the late Douglas Adams' wife, that Douglas Adams was so individual a writer that no one could or should try to replicate him, and that And Another Thing should be avoided at all costs. If there was a way to not buy the book any harder, I would do that. Maybe I can demand a refund for it from a bookstore just by virtue of its existence.
I may try this, later today, because you know WHAT? You don't fucking pull stuff like this, especially with a man who wrote for freaking Doctor Who. Are you TRYING to anger Bruce Campbell?
Childhood!Fail * You know what? This is why I only want to have boy children: [Found at World Of Wonder] It's a cleaning trolley. For children. Girl children, I'm assuming, because it's pink. I can't even deal with this. I'm so tired. I don't even have the energy to get angry about this. If you can't see the problem with this... I don't know. I need a nap.
Nostalgia!Win * I had the Crayola Crayon 'Indian Red.' I had that huge set, and I loved that set, and I want it BACK. I never thought it was offensive, but what did I know? I was little. I colored Bugs Bunny green. I was crazy. Anyway, they used to have cooler names for crayons. Prussian Blue? That's a sweet name for a crayon.
Doctor Who * Masterpiece Theater should NOT be sexy:
Oh SHIT he's Scottish. I know this, but.... DON'T LEAVE, DOCTOR. PLEASE. STICK AROUND AND BE SCOTTISH, OK?!
What are we talking about? I'm sorry, he's still talking, and nothing you say matters right now.
WARNING: SPOILERS FOR THIS WEEKS' FREAKANGELS BELOW. CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED. KARL HAD A MOHAWK BACK IN THE DAY. Also I love the flashback. And FINALLY, I get to see Mark. I understand his charisma. Guy is smart. But where's Arkady? Is she off using? Or did I just not notice her? It's possible.
This comic makes me want to go shopping. DAMMIT, MR. ELLIS. I CANNOT AFFORD TO BUY COOL CLOTHES.
Denial: Surely nobody could possibly make such a bad movie. Certainly nobody involved with Grindhouse. And obviously nobody could badly remake such a brilliant film (ignores Psycho, The Fog, The Haunting, Alfie, Wild Wild West, House Of Wax, The Truth About Charlie, The Pink Panther, Down To Earth, and most remakes ever.)
Anger: WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WATCH? WHAT MANNER OF BULLSHIT IS THIS? WHY IS EVERYONE A HICK? HOW MANY BORING TEENAGE HUMPING SESSIONS CAN ONE MOVIE HAVE? WHY IS THE DOCTOR DRESSED LIKE ANDY WARHOL?! WHAT TESTICLE-CHOPPING MONSTER CONVINCED DANNY TREJO TO SOIL HIMSELF IN THIS FILM? WHY IS THE CREEPY KID SO VERY ANNOYING, AND HIS HAIR SO VERY LONG? I HATE EVERYONE! IT BURNS!
Bargaining: Please, please, Hollywood - I'll give you my firstborn if you stop raping the past. Please? And my spleen. Just make the bad men stop.
Depression: There will never be a good movie again. Film is dead, and I was at its final, gasping moments of agony.
Acceptance: I survived Wild Wild West on the big screen - I will survive this. But I must spread the word, so that nobody will ever suffer like I have. - LV
PS Here are a few GOOD remakes to help with your therapy, if you were unlucky enough to think Halloween would be a fun, stupid movie, and were as traumatized as I am by the actual results: * Dawn of the Dead * Charlie & The Chocolate Factory (I actually like it better than the Gene Wilder version - it sticks closer to the book, and doesn't have the scary tunnel sequence) * His Girl Friday * The Thomas Crown Affair * The Fly * The Ring * Ocean's 11 * The Manchurian Candidate * The Maltese Falcon * King Kong
PPSS I saw Britney Spears' VMA performance on YouTube. It was more terrifying than anything in Halloween.
