Alan Moore Can Build A Snowman Out Of Rain.

Life
* EVERYTHING IS FINE. LET US ALL NOT PANIC AND GO ABOUT THEIR LIVES.

Doctor Who
* NOOOOOooooOOOOOOOOoooo. Etc.

People I Dislike
* As if you needed one more reason to hate Facebook, one of the backers thinks us women with our simple brains and icky lady-bits should not be allowed to vote.

TV
* We're tiny/We're toony/We're all a little Looney... This show was way too advanced for kids. It was also sometimes brilliant. But WHY is Gargoyles still not out on DVD, hmm? Because life is cruel, my friends, and the universe HATES you and thinks your pants are STUPID. Um, anyway, Tiny Tune Adventures is on DVD, and you should buy it, because it was great and reminds me of my youth.

Depression Session
* Everyone wants to save money these days, because there is none left and we are all DOOMED I tell you, DOOMED. But if you DON'T want to save money, go here, and you will see how stupid people are. Hint: Not bathing may save you money for a while, but eventually you will have to pay professionals to crack the shell of filth covering your body.

Music
* Bob Dylan is the harbinger of doom. That's cool. I saw him in concert, and when he played 'All Along The Watchtower,' it was like, 'If there is a God, he was made in Dylan's image' and I screamed at a girl for not standing up and showing him respect, but I was overwrought. His new CD is out, and I'm going to buy it, with my imaginary money (my credit card) and listen to it in my car, where I will have to live when I run out of money. And Bob Dylan predicted ALL OF IT.

Tattoo Of Win
* Did you know Hitler loved unicorns?

[Found at LOLTATZ]
And that he had a stuffed unicorn named Mr. Wickle? And that he ran all his major decisions past the unicorn? Mr. Wickle was a racist little shit.

Books
* Tim Burton has a book coming out of his drawings/doodles/art. It will be weird and sad and funny and touching, and you will love it until it is mercilessly co-opted by the asinine Hot Topic crowd and turned into T-Shirts and wristbands and bumper stickers, and then you will be forced to hate it. But will still secretly buy it online, and marvel at its awesome.

Food
* See, the problem with candy bars with company logos on them is that I don't care. It's chocolate. I make peanut butter cups every holiday season. It's not hard. It's not like using LASERS to brand meat or anything. So I am not impressed. I will eat your pathetic chocolate offerings, but I will not endorse your company.

[Found at StrangeNewProducts]

Words Of Win

[Found at FunPic]

Crazy Awesome
* Did you know sometimes actress all-time mad warrior queen Bai Ling has a blog? And she talks about things beyond my ken? Here is an excerpt.

Naked, the nakedness that you can not see, the nakedness that you can almost feel, feel on the other side of the screen floating the nakedness that is you and your flame of thoughts, color and romance, want to be free, on the cliff, almost fall......

Run to her, like the wind of sunshine and string and you will dance with the monkey and his cap.

Twitter
* Aww, the Republicans are fighting on Twitter. Is there ANYTHING less dignified than actually fighting on Twitter? I do not want to be some crotchety old internet fogey who re-remembers the message boards as bastions of rationality. Seriously, Meghan McCain and Erick Erickson fighting? As humiliating as a comments-war on MySpace.

Comics
* Good article on which comic legends are true, and which are FILTHY LIES. Did you know that when Alan Moore is displeased, Warren Ellis flays a writer from Desperate Housewives and feeds bits of them to Garth Ennis until all are sated of their bloodlust? That is TRUE. Except for the lie.

TwiHate
OH GOD MY EYES.

[Found at io9]
SO MUCH STRATEGIC PUBESCENT SHIRTLESSNESS. SO MUCH CAREFULLY STAGED 'SEXINESS' THAT LEAVES YOU COLD. SO. MUCH. NIPPLES. SO MUCH HIDEOUS SHORTS AND PHONY BACKGROUNDS. IT'S TOO MUCH. TOO MUCH. THE WEREWOLVES' NIPPLES, THEY HURT ME.
OH GOD MY EYES THEY WON'T STOP BLEEDING.

Movies
* I like X-Men comics, and I like Wolverine as a character and I like pretty much everyone involved in this production, but there are only two reasons I am going to see the movie, and they are both attached to Hugh Jackman's shoulders:

[Found at ComicBookResources]
Yep. Them's some arms. Them's GOOD ARMS. Yes. There is a reason why all the freaking X-Men movies were just prequels to this prequel. Because of those arms. Although it still doesn't explain why everything bad ever always happens to poor Cyclops, or why Rogue was so annoying.

WTF, INTERNET?
* This was originally under the heading 'Technology,' but let's not kid ourselves: This shit is FUCKED right the hell UP.

[Found at DVICE]
Here's what it is: You lie in bed, while your partner/wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/sikrit luvah lies in another bed/hotel/prison cell far away. You yearn for them. So you put on your Special ring, and using technology I do not understand at all that involves a projector, you can see where they are lying in their bed, and they can see where you are lying on yours, using LIGHTS, and then you draw LIGHT-touches on where their body would be, if you weren't TERRIBLY ALONE, and the LIGHTS tell you how hard they're touching you and you CARESS the light and then you FUCK THE LIGHT.
This is NOT OK. This is masturbating with a Lite Brite. GOD.

Light does not like you that way. I'm sorry.
- LV

PS Now I miss my Lite-Brite. NOT IN THAT WAY. Perverts, all of you.

moreless

Bill Gates Lives In Constant Fear That Alan Moore's PC Will Crash.

People I Dislike
* Yet I sort of love this picture, because I cannot even begin to imagine the sheer dizzying intellect of their conversations. And because they are all SUCH TOOLS:

[Found at Gawker]
Also, I secretly sort of hoped that Blago's hair would eat Spencer.

Religion
* As if you needed any more proof that people from Florida are batshit, this is their new vanity license plate:

[Found at Wonkette]
If I found myself driving behind this car, I would ram into it. Over and over. Not because I am against religion (I am indifferent, which is much easier) but because the image is scary, and I'd need to make it go away.

Depression Session
* This has me filled with conflict. For, you see, once upon a time (as longtime readers of this blog would know, if there were any) I lived in New York City on ninth and third, surrounded by giant cockroaches that plotted world domination and a rat that ATE a cat, AFTER screwing it to death. Anyway, despite the fact that I was broke and starving and living in a basement apartment with no windows and INSANE, and working at Barnes & Nobles, I drank at one of these Starbucks ever day, because people kept giving my gift cards, thinking all I needed in life was a grande non-fat caramel macchiato. I hated Starbucks, and the uber-hipsters that reigned. Yet this makes me sad, because it was always a funny joke, that one Starbucks was next to the other Starbucks, and also I knew the people who worked there, and if STARBUCKS is in trouble, then it's really Game Over, Man.

Tattoo Of Win

[Found at LolTatz]

Books
* Here are the Locus Award Winners. I want a Locus. Or a book deal. Or more coffee.

Food
* It's official: Bacon is the most perfect food, ever. Spread the word and eat up. It cures hangovers, and makes you tall and sexy, and if you eat enough you grow wings and fly. It's on the internet, so it's true.

Moment of Win

[Found at FunPic]
I almost feel bad for this lunatic. He must be SO TIRED at the end of every day, having to hate so many people. I'm especially puzzled by his hatred of 'Ankle Biters.' But I don't want to get close enough to ASK him. Also, I may love Random Dude Pointing At The Sign.

Zombies
* With the Zombie Apocalypse Swine Flu making everyone a little nutty, sometimes you just need to own an object that can stake people at a distance:

[Found at CrunchGear]
This thing would go great with my leather jacket and black jeans, and yes this is how I think, why can't I look good while eliminating the undead threat? No reason at all, airtight logic, now go and fetch me this.

Celebrity Crush
* Jackie Earle Haley, AKA Rorschach, is so effing cute in real life that it's hard to believe he so effectively played a guy who drowned midgets in toilets (or worse). Anyway, on his official website, which I may visit every day, WHAT OF IT, he talks about his inner Freddy, thanks the Rorschach fans, posts some pictures, and concludes with this:

Thanks ya’ll… okay, I’m gonna go stare at the shiny bean thing.

What loser would like Zac Efron when you could be adoring this guy? Stupid people.

[Found at JackieEarleHaley]
Note: He looks like Big Figure because he's taking a picture of his reflection in the Shiny Bean. He did not shrink.

Politics
* Jon Stewart, with his sardonic eyebrows and wisdom, is scaring the shit out of everyone else who has to appear on TV, ever. I actually get this. If Jon Stewart yelled at me the way he yelled at Bowtie-Doofus a few years ago, I would never stop crying, and would eventually drown in a sea of Tiny Tears.

Jon Stewart on Crossfire | Viral | SPIKE.com

Comics
* Steven Grant has written a great article on the crime genre of comics, and 100 Bullets, and WHY DO I NOT HAVE A JOB LIKE THIS? OK, sorry. Just had a moment of bitter, BUT THE SMILES ARE BACK! Now I'm scared.

TwiHate
* See, if Twilight was like this, I might love it:

OK, I would still despise it, but at least it would be FUNNY and not cause quite the same level of MADNESS. Or worse, maybe it would.

Twitter
* I have tried playing the Terminator: Salvation Twitter game, and I do not get it. I am either too stupid for it, or it just sucks. Both are options. While I appreciate the effort to use Twitter as a marketing tool, the Tweets from the Resistance kind of make me wish the robots would win, which I don't think is the angle the creators are going for. OR ARE THEY?!

Movies
* You know what? Screw you, Tom Hanks. Stop this shit. Dan Brown hasn't even published the goddamn book yet, which I expect will be intellectual diarrhea and smug bullshit and manage to confuse a lot of people about things like history and religion, and I will GUESS the ending in the first chapter, even though I am famously bad at guessing endings of anything, and Tom Hanks will look old and puffy and have a bad toupee, and lose whatever goodwill remains from his under-appreciated turn in Catch Me If You Can, which I love, and Ron Howard, if I put up with all this bullshit and you DON'T make Arrested Development: The Movie, the economy will roll over and die, because HAVEN'T WE SUFFERED ENOUGH?!

Technology
* I am banned from buying this, ever. If I had an application for my imaginary iPhone that talked about all the diseases I could have, I would never get out of bed. I am the sort of person who goes, 'Hm. My toe hurts. I must have toe cancer.' Then by the end of the day I forget, because I know I don't have Toe Cancer, but WHAT IF I DID? So while all knowledge is good, in my book, maybe in this one instance, the knowledge of how your body can flip you the bird and KILL YOU might not be in my best interests.

Ads
* This is pretty clever:

[Found at AdFreak]
BMW basically pissed all over Audi, and the economy pissed on both of them, so we are all losers, except whoever thought up the BMW ad, who is a fucking genius I wish to love.

Swine Panic
* Michele Bachmann says some crazy shit about how Democratic presidents cause pandemics, which is pretty much what Rush Limbaugh already accused Obama of doing, so she's crazy AND boring, which must be hard.

Want
* I need this organizer desperately, for my desk at work:

[Found at DVICE]
I will pretend I'm a pilot for Serenity, and that Wash is still alive and that Firefly wasn't cancelled, and I will be happy. Until I get fired for spending all my time crashing my desk into the wall and screaming, 'I AM A LEAF ON THE WIND, BITCH.' Then crying because Wash was my favorite.

WTF, INTERNET?
* I just don't know, anymore:

[Found at WorldsBestEver]
On one hand, awesome. I mean, it is a wee tiny gun that you wear as jewelry, and tiny bullets are adorable AND deadly, and this could be a good emergency reserve for zombie attacks, even if you shouldn't RELY on it.
On the other hand, it's pretty ugly, and looks heavy, and I can imagine pseudo-intellectual hipsters wearing this in coffee shops and, during impassioned defenses of The Dav Vinci Code, accidentally shooting the barista. On second thought, I retract my complaints. We all need the entertainment.

Yesterday was a Good Day, because Rorschach fans are loyal and awesome, and make me happy, as I am among their numbers. I may post more images, or take a short Watchmen break and watch my numbers plummet, because it's FUNNY, only not.

Also, I reread From Hell last night, and fucking god: you read that, you never want to write anything ever again, because really, WHAT'S THE POINT?
New comics day. Keep me away from my wallet.
Have to walk to work, because I will not be able to borrow the car, because the universe hates me, or because I can't plan my life accordingly.
- LV

moreless

Alan Moore Can Set Ants On Fire With A Magnifying Glass. At Night.

Life
I do not want to go to the LSAT Practice Test today. I have already taken two. I have two more to take. Then I have to take the ACTUAL test in a little over a month. It is a beautiful, glorious Saturday. I do not want to spend 1-4:30 in this goddamn test, then have to go back TOMORROW and take the regular class. Life is cruel.

Doctor Who
* And a thousand fans cried out in ecstasy. Gillian Anderson (AKA Scully of The X-Files, AKA 'The Girl I Wanted To Be When I Grew Up Until I Realized She Didn't Get WIth Mulder, & Then I Revised My Life Plans') is rumored to be on Doctor Who. Was everyone laughing as they tossed out this idea? Do they know how fragile some of their fans are? Picture it: sobbing, hysterical fanboys and fangirls blogging and posting for MONTHS, forgoing food and bathing, to express how they feel about this union. Intense.

Politics
* So, according to Mark Penn, I am the only blogger in America who cannot live off their blogging. Clearly, I am a horrible failure and should just retire from life. I shame EVERYONE.

* Apparently the fact that our President is bangin' and kind of sexy is offensive, because he has nipples. Or something. I don't know, it's Saturday and the President is attractive, OK? Leave me alone.

* Did you know that when we torture people, we're doing it for them? It's helping them find Allah. They should be THANKING us, the ungrateful bastards. In other news, some people are the opposite of humanity.

Comics
* Sherlock Holmes in comic form makes everyone happy. And there is more than one, which is like intellectual Victorian Mystery Porn. It's a niche market.

* The comic of Philip K. Dick's Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? looks sweet. And, in a nice change of pace for all you purists, nothing has been added to the comic that wasn't in the original book. It's the book, exactly, on illustrated with cool pictures. What more do you need?

TwiHate

[Found at Amazon]
OK, there's a lot to hate about this bullshit. The bottle reminds me of that scene in Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom, when the Crazy Priest Dude is ripping people's hearts out of their chests. Which works, within the context of the movie. Oh, it's supposed to be an apple, working on the whole 'forbidden fruit' theme, which is neither clever not original. Also it apparently smells like soap, which makes me laugh in my bitter little TwiHating heart.
But really, lavender and freesia? This should smell of sweat and blood and desperation. It should smell of loneliness and dementia, dead bodies that don't bathe and teenage dry humping. And the impotent, shiny tears of a vampire who can't sleep with his girlfriend because he will RIP HER APART WITH HIS SHINY JUNK.
And now I'm done.

Movies
* Tintin looks awesome. And it pains me to say that, because I really sort of despise Steven Spielberg, even though I like quite a few of his movies and he seems like a nice guy. I also hate him. For complicated reasons. Still, this sounds like he got it right. And when Spielberg is not making movies of suck that cause eye cancer and make you want to beat dolphins to death with your FACE, he can make a damn fine film. Also, Tintin.

* Oh, Robert Downey, Jr. I knew you'd eventually get your shit together and start making good movies again, and not looking sad and tragic and sick on TV all the time. I am very happy about this. You look gorgeous, you seem happy, you are not driving around naked or trying to kill yourself, and you are healthy and making fabulous films. Good on you (Bad on you for making me watch Ally McBeal and bawling uncontrollably when you sang "River" and "Every Breath You Take", because you were beautiful and sad and I bought your CD The Futurist and I LIKED it, so what do you say to THAT?!). Plus, I am a huge Iron Man/Sherlock Holmes fan. I have literally nothing snarky to say about this. It fills me with childlike glee, and womanly lust.

[Found at Collider]
Damn. I... Damn. I do not care if Sherlock Holmes is the biggest crap-pile since The Happening. Give it all the Oscars, ever, right now. I am like stupid from this picture.

* Let's stuff this in the increasingly overcrowded file labelled 'Unnecessary Remakes.' Toy Story was genius, Toy Story 2 was lovely and fun, and LET'S LEAVE IT AT THAT, OK?! Also, Tom Hanks is on my shit list possibly forever, because of the goddamn Da Vinci Code. That cannot be easily forgiven.

Nature Is Awful
* HOLY SHIT:

Demotivational Posters


When a spider could theoretically rape you in the dead of night/eat your dog/register to VOTE, maybe it is time to move someplace cold.

Cars
* This is an incredibly sexy police car:

[Found at LikeCool]
And I want to lay on the hood.

Book Apocalypse
* Levi Johnston, the Sperminator, is going to be writing a book. And by 'writing' I mean 'speaking to a person who can comprehend the English language who will the translate his insane stuttering idiocy into coherent words, and by 'book' I obviously mean, 'Another nail in the coffin of my SOUL.'
Now excuse me, I need to go cry bitter little tears over my own novel, which is not being published, ever.

People I Dislike
* Except for The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, which has held up remarkably well and is still AWESOME (and Carlton's dance is life-changing, go Google it), Will Smith is the biggest tool in Hollywood. And now he's helping to ruin the Sci-Fi Channel, which is going by the name Sy-Fy now, because clearly 'i's are for assholes.

Robot Uprising
* This guy wants a camera in his eye (and I automatically assume he's going to use it to take pictures of girls' butts, because I am judgmental), but for the moment has a Terminator eye:

[Found at Geekologie]
Yeah, this is not the way to endear yourself to anyone outside the Robot Fetish Community

WTF, INTERNET?
* I will admit that this is somewhat hilarious, and that this dude's enthusiasm for the product makes the whole thing sort of OK. (Uncensored pick in the link).:

[Found at Geekologie]
But the problem with the Boobie DS Case is when some guy who doesn't see this as funny and silly and ironic and ridiculous, and starts carrying it around, and you end up sitting on the subway next to this random imaginary dude while he pets his knitted DS bosom. Then it stops being funny.

* I don't know what this is:

[Sent in by Anonymous]
Someone sent it to me, and I do not understand it, and I am frightened and confused. And does this kid look so unhappy, or what? This kid wants to die. And I want to understand.

* You need to go to this site, because it lives in a world where the biggest problem in people's lives is messy toothpaste, and I wish to live in such a magical fantasy world. I envy that sort of logic: If you buy this, everything else will be OK. However, I am fully capable of squeezing the goddamn tube of toothpaste without buying a machine to assist me.


* This is the best costume ever, plus an easy way to piss of the PETA members in your neighborhood:


Later today, after the awful LSAT Diagnostics, which I am tempted to fuck up on purpose just so when I take the next one my score will go up like fifty points and I will be hailed as a Prodigy and get to sell my life story and MOVE OUT, I will be posting another Watchmen entry, this one about Silk Spectre II and Minutemen.

Also, thanks for all the great comments! It's nice to know I'm not alone in my obsessive madness.

I'll take the real LSAT, honest. But could someone take the Diagnostic Test for me? It is sunny and lovely and I want to go to the park and write, not sit in a hot crowded room and take a test that has no BEARING ON ANYTHING. GOD. WHY DOES EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE HAVE TO BE SUCH A COMPLICATED DISASTER?
- LV

moreless

The Last Digit Of Pi Is Alan Moore. He Is The End Of All Things.

People I Dislike
* OK, I need to know where this woman gets her clothes:

[Found at Gawker]
Because either she has a designer who's making this stuff, and that person needs to be stopped, or there are stores that actually sell shit like this, and they need to be fire-bombed.

Moment of Win

[Found at FunPic]
How much you want to be these guys are from New Jersey? How much?

Depression Session
* When all our houses are reclaimed, and we have nowhere to go, we will all live in these:

[Found at LikeCool]
These are all fun and games until you get struck by lightning. Of course, these don't really work if you have family or children. But let's face it: by the time you're living out of an Instant House, you'll have eaten everyone you know, for protein.

* Pretty soon, everywhere you go will look like this PhotoShopped image:

[Found at BoingBoing]
Only you need to imagine everyone wandering the streets in their Instant Housing, cursing either Republicans/Socialists, depending on where you stood before the world ended.

Girly Shit
* At the risk of sounding even creepier than usual, I want EVERYTHING in this girl's bag:

[Found at NubbyTwiglet]
I also want the bag, and her wardrobe, and pretty much everything on this website. That was my Girly Moment. We now return to my usual Geekery.

Tattoo Of Win
* This made me throw up in my mouth:

[Found at LolTatz]
And yet, I almost wish I'd been there when this person was explaining this idea to their tattoo artist: 'OK, I want a tampon. But not any tampon, oh no. I want a Bloody Tampon, and I want it to be flying. Yes, I want a Flying, Bloody Tampon on me, for always. Why is everyone staring?'

Books
* Jon Ronson, author of Them: Adventures With Extremists, is a wonderful author. I read this book in college, and adored it. And now he's writing Science Fiction scripts, and I think he'll make the transition well. In the meantime, go pick up Them, because seriously, old white men are crazy bastards.

* If you've been reading this blog since the beginning, you know at one point I was an intern at a Big Publishing Company that is now no doubt Crumbling in the Wake of the Internet. Although my adventures there are diverse and demented, at one point I was working with author Dean Koontz on a project. He was very nice, and actually his humor writing was far and away better than his psuedo-Stephen King crap. But ANY criticism sent him off sulking in his Owl Basement for days, and apparently at some point he emerged with this book clutched in his sweaty hands. I wish the guy the best, and I think his blog entries were pretty hilarious, actually. But seriously, dude needs to calm down.

Food
* These are hot dogs stuffed with spaghetti:

[Found at WorldOfWonder]
I am kind of obsessed with finding out how they got the noodles in the hot dogs. Not obsessed enough to EAT this crap, but enough that if anyone knows, please email me. It's haunting my dreams.

Spam Mail
* Cracked: Taking one of life's greatest irritants and mining it for comedy gold!

Zombies
* I don't know why this is on a humor site. Everyone should have one of these things:

see more pwn and owned pictures
In fact, they should design these for cars and other mobile locations, so you are never without protection from the inevitable undead apocalypse.

TwiHate

[Found at Amazon]
Now I hate everyone. If I saw someone with this umbrella, I'd start screaming. No words. Because you know they're thinking, 'Their perfect and flawless love is keeping the rain off of my head! If only I could find a totally boring, unwashed control-freak to boss me around and not have sex with me, my life would be perfect! Edward, my life is yours! Who must die to please you? Oh, crap, the sun's coming out. WAIT. I shall use this umbrella to keep the sun off my face, thus becoming as pale and wan as Edward. We are so alike. I'm misunderstood. Why is that girl running at me with a flame-thrower'

Comics
* I really enjoyed part one of Gaiman's Batman. The mini stories are awesome. Alfred as the Joker will keep me up at nights.

* Loved volume one of Freakangels. Wish I'd picked up the second volume, but comics are not given to me for free, even with my charm. Luckily, it's all online, and free, and amazing, so go read it. Also, I'm testing a theory. Karl is my favorite character. Ergo, something horrible will happen to him immediately, and I will be bereft. (At this point, because I've been busy and I FAIL, I have only read book one.)

WTF, INTERNET?
* OK, even I will admit that this is pretty freaking sweet, and I would not be upset if someone purchased it for me:

[Found at CrunchGear]
But this still gets a WTF, because really, who looks at purse and longs for it to have more Super Nintendo? That being said, if these things were mass-produced, society would crumble. I would pay good money to see the fashionistas at my school mumbling to themselves on the subway as they try to figure out Super Mario Bros.

* In case you dislike the idea of your shower curtain crushing the life from you as you try to wake up in the morning, here's one that will stab you, which is obviously far better an option:

[Found at Geeokologie]
Yeah, you know what? I don't want to have to worry about getting murdered/raped every time I take a shower. I have enough stress in my life without wondering if I will end up dead/deeply disturbed just to get clean. It is NOT worth it. When did conserving water become a blood-bath? You know how you can conserve water? Take a shorter shower. You still get clean, learn how to manage your time, and nobody dies/gets sexually molested by a shower curtain! Wins all around.
Anyway, don't these people know that soon nobody will have homes with running water anymore? I doubt Instant Housing has a built-in shower. Times are tough.

Later today will be Part I of my insane Rorschach post. Stay tuned! Or your shower curtain will attack. Apparently this is a huge problem in some circles.
- LV

moreless