The Stairs Lack Risers!

Blog
* Deep healing breath, you handsome stoned-out man. Title is from Dollhouse.

* This is not a hiatus-break, but I found a website that made me enormously shouty last night, and it warrants a blog entry. Generally, I like remakes. I do. I have no essential problem with people remaking movies, and even if the remake fails on every imaginable level, it can be an interesting concept. I'm thinking of Gus Van Sant's Psycho, which was so bad as to almost be an art-house win. Remember the part with the cow? That cow haunts me.

And I loved the Dawn of the Dead remake. Is it as good as the original? Haha, of course not. No one compares to Romero. That's not an option. But on its own, it's a fun movie. Remakes can be fun. I'm telling you all this so you'll understand I am not prejudiced against remakes. I am not one of those people who is all, 'HELL NO REMAKES ARE EVIL! BURN THE EVIL!'

But some movies should not be remade. Not because they are 'beyond' being remade, but because the people involved in the remake are so hideously miscast that the idea becomes a parody of itself. Just imagine casting Ashton Kutcher in Citizen Kane. No, really. Think about it.

With all that in mind, here are some remakes coming out that will destroy us all, or at least land some of the more earnest film students in serious therapy.

Remake!Fail
* Akira: Can we stop remaking Japanese movies? Please? We never get them right, and everybody loses. And it's an anime movie. Why does it have be live-action? Someone explain this to me, please? Plus, Leonardo DiCaprio should not be in this movie. He has no place here.

* Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Without Joss Whedon. Which means A) nobody I love desperately will die, thus destroying my faith in the universe, and B) It will probably suck a lot.

* Children of the Corn: This is the first Stephen King remake on this list. It is not the last. I'm sad too.

* Chitty Chitty Bang Bang: Oh dear GOD, NO. Dick Van Dyke is going to shank a bitch. Actually, I'd enjoy that.

* Dallas: There will never be a point to this. We can never aspire to the glorious madness of the show. Don't bother trying.

* Dirty Dancing: Dear Hollywood - There's no Dirty Dancing without Patrick Swayze. KTHNXBAI

* Flight of the Navigator: And let the destruction of my childhood begin in 3....2.....1.....

* Forbidden Planet: If James Cameron does direct this movie (so the rumors go), I expect we will see Forbidden Blue Hair Sex. Look, Avatar was a gorgeous film, but the hair!sex was DISTURBING.

* Footloose: Yeah, Chase Crawford is a pretty little thing, but he is not Kevin Bacon, and he never will be. Actually, can Kevin Bacon reprise his role? I'd pay to see that.

* Hellraiser: WHY? WEREN'T THE DIRECT TO VIDEO SEQUELS HORRIBLE ENOUGH?


* Highlander: I DON'T EVEN I CAN'T WHAT.

* Johnny Bravo: Yes, the cartoon. Yes, it will be live-action. No, I don't want to talk about it. This isn't EXACTLY a movie remake, but is so mind-bogglingly unwise that I put it here anyway.


* The Karate Kid: This makes me insane. Really. WE DO NOT NEED WILL SMITH'S SPAWN TO BE IN MOVIES. And while I love Jackie Chan's old movies, he has become safe and boring, and the ghost of Pat Moribita will rise and EAT HIM FOR THIS.

* Limpet: No one can play Don Knotts. Why would you even try?

* The Man Who Came To Dinner: Dear Everyone - SARAH JESSICA PARKER CANNOT PLAY BETTE DAVIS. For the cheap seats - SARAH JESSICA PARKER CANNOT PLAY BETTE DAVIS. Nothing else is up for debate here. I DO NOT WANT HER TO GET HER CARRIE BRADSHAW ON MY BETTE DAVIS.

* The Naked Jungle: Hey, you know what would be an awesome idea? Let's get the guy who wrote Aeon Flux and directed The Punisher, and have him direct The Naked Jungle, a Charlton Heston movie that survives mainly because it starred Charlton Heston! I don't see HOW this could go wrong, do you?

* The Neverending Story: Yes, because you didn't destroy my childhood enough with the CGI Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that looked like green, well-muscled penises (penii?). Is it true Leonard DiCaprio is going to be in this? I have no beef with him. I don't want him to be a part of this abomination.

* Oldboy: I have a dear friend who has almost totally lost her mind over this. Mainly because Will Smith is in talks to play the lead role. If you have seen the original movie, you understand how profoundly horrifying this casting decision is. If you haven't seen the original, go now. Then try to imagine Will Smith in the lead role. Then get someone to hold you as you sob.

* Pet Sematary: Because remakes of Stephen King novels ALWAYS go SO WELL. Anyway, without the Ramones song to back up this movie, it has no point. Sorry. I speak the truth.


* The Phantom Tollbooth: I am heavily biased because I love the book, and the movie, and I just don't think you're ALLOWED to remake Chuck Jones. I think it's a law, somewhere. My angles are many, my sides are not few. I'm the Dodecahedron, who are you?

* Poltergeist: The clown. OH GOD, THE CLOWN.


* RoboCop: FAIL.

* Rock 'n Roll High School: Who's going to be the band? You know what, it doesn't matter. It will fail. How can you replace the Ramones? You can't. Ergo, you lose.

* The Rocky Horror Picture Show: No. Look, there is one Doctor Frank-N-Furter, and that is Tim Curry. So, yeah. No. I don't know how else to get this across. No. I can type that all day. No.

I will apologize for everything I've said if Tim Roth plays Riff Raff. In my mind.

* Rosemary's Baby: I know Roman Polanski is a bad man, but he is also a great filmmaker. And I keep hearing rumors that Lindsay Lohan wants to star in this. Which makes this remake scary in a way never intended.

* Scanners:

Yeah. That's all.

* A Star Is Born: BEYONCE KNOWLES IS NOT JUDY GARLAND. I AM ARMFLAILING OVER THIS. I HATE EVERYONE WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA. THERE IS NO GOODNESS TO COME FROM THIS. HELL, BEYONCE IS NOT EVEN BETTE MIDLER. THIS IS NEVER GOING TO END WELL. FOR ANYONE.

* Strangers On A Train: ARE THEY REMAKING EVERY HITCHCOCK MOVIE? GET AUNTY LV HER PILLS AND SOME VODKA.

* Straw Dogs: I love James Marsden. I do. He's a good actor, and easy on the eyes. And Alexander Skarsgard is a big hunk of sexy (I miss True Blood). Which is why I want this movie to be good. I DO. But it won't be. Rod Lurie is not Sam Peckinpah. This will all end in tears.

* Suspicion: You are so funny. Will Smith is not Cary Grant. Will Smith will never be Cary Grant. He WISHES he could be Cary Grant, but Cary Grant DEAD could pwn Will Smith. Fact. So let's hope that this whole movie is nothing but vicious rumors, started to make me CRAZY.
And no one can play Joan Fontaine in this movie. STOP ALLOWING HITCHCOCK REMAKES. THEY HURT EVERYONE.

* The Thing: OK, after the remake of The Fog that destroyed several small civilizations, NOBODY IS ALLOWED TO REMAKE JOHN CARPENTER. ESPECIALLY THIS MOVIE.

* They Live: WHAT DID I JUST GET DONE SAYING? Incidentally, I think this movie was shown about ten times during my college career by various professors. It's a good one.

* To Catch A Thief: Haha, you do not remake Alfred Hitchcock. No good comes from that. Hahaha, this is obviously a bad joke. All these Hitchcock remakes are part of an elaborate joke. Good one!

* Vanishing Point: Well, after Hollywood did such a bang-up job remaking Gone in 60 Seconds, I'm sure that their take on Vanishing Point will be flawless. Stick with the original. I want that car. If I can't have my '67 Impala, I will take this car.

And you know that they'll put, like, a wise-ass talking computer voiced by Ben Stiller in the car, and I will die inside.

* Videodrome: There are multiple remakes of David Cronenberg films coming out, which leads me to believe that Universal Pictures is holding some of Cronenberg's family members hostage, and we should save them. For those of you fools who have not seen the original, James Woods and Debbie Harry (Blondie) starred in it, and it broke my brain, and it's freaking genius and weird.

I would, however, move this to Remake!Win with the proper director/cast. Like if Crispin Glover played James Woods' role. Actually, that idea makes me so profoundly happy I need to go lie down for an hour.

* The Warriors: I just don't see how this could be remade. I... I don't understand. Who is making these decisions, and how are they not on fire?


* Yellow Submarine: What. The. Fuck. And is Robert Zemeckis going to do that scary thing he did that ruined The Polar Express and A Christmas Carol, because Mr. Zemeckis, THAT IS SCARY AND NOBODY ENJOYS IT BUT YOU.

PS The Beatles hate you.

PPSS HOW CAN PEOPLE PLAY THE VOICES OF THE BEATLES?

But, lest we be too negative, let's take a look at a few remakes that have the potential to be brilliant. Yes, there are a few remakes out there that might be *gasp* GOOD. Stop laughing. Or are you crying? It will be OK. Maybe. Look:

Remake!Win
* Arthur: I'm sorry, but Russell Brand as Arthur is some brilliant casting. Come on. He's the only guy I can imagine pulling this off.

* The Blob: Rob Zombie is directing this. Yeah, it could be awesome.

* Creature From The Black Lagoon: I am putting a lot of trust in Bill Paxton here. DO NOT SCREW THIS UP. You are on warning.

* Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde: Guillermo del Toro is remaking like, five movies, and I love him enough that I will allow all of these. I am easily manipulated by directors I like.

* The Fly: David Cronenberg is allowed to remake his own movies. Maybe this is why he's allowing Hollywood to desecrate his films? I don't know. But Jeff Goldblum is The Fly, so I will have a hard time with this. Unless Crispin Glover plays the lead. Any movie is improved by Crispin Glover's involvement. It's a fact of life.

* Frankenstein: Also directed by Guillermo del Toro, which is why I have no complaints. And there hasn't been a good Frankenstein movie since Karloff, anyway.

* The Jetsons: Um, since they might cast Jim Carrey as George Jetson, this is going here. Leave me alone.

* The Lone Ranger: Look, it has Johnny Depp in it, and I am not made out of stone, and part of me is going to pretend that this is Terry Gilliam's Don Quixote movie that never got made. That's how my brain works.

* A Nightmare On Elm Street: I want this to be good. I want SO BADLY for this to be good. I mean, it's starring Jackie Earle Haley. You know how I adore him. He's a truly fantastic actor, and I want this to be good. I HAVE HOPE FOR THIS. LET ME BE HOPEFUL, OK? But yeah. Robert Englund is Freddy. This is very problematic.


* Slaughterhouse-Five: It is shocking that this is not under Fail. I'm a bit shocked myself. But you know what? It's being directed by Guillermo del Toro (who is never going to get to Hellboy 3 at this rate, which makes me SAD INSIDE) and if anyone can adapt Kurt Vonnegut, it is him. I have faith in him. DO YOU HEAR ME? I HAVE FAITH. Plus, the original movie was crap.

* Sunset Boulevard: I was fully prepared to rage about this, but Glenn Close is starring in it, and so are Ewan McGregor and Hugh Jackman, and that is enough win that I will give it the benefit of the doubt.

* Total Recall: But this will be moved IMMEDIATELY if I don't like the cast/director. I HAVE POWERS.

* True Grit: THE COEN BROTHERS CAN DO NO WRONG. THE END. (OK, The Ladykillers wasn't very good, but let's not dwell on the negative here.)

Movies: Taking us to the edge of madness, then usually pushing us off the freaking edge.

- LV

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Do You Know What The Words 'Low Profile' Mean?

Blog
* Oh, Quentin Tarantino knows what those words mean. He just chooses to ignore them. Title is from From Dusk 'Till Dawn.

Freakangels Friday
* FINALLY. IT IS FRIDAY AND THERE IS FREAKANGELS, AND I CAN CATCH UP ON WHAT I HAVE MISSED. IT IS ALL OK. I am also very happy we are flashing back, because I no longer have to spend each week worrying if Karl will live or not. I'm sure you appreciate that as well. So let's all agree that as long as we're in the past, Karl is alive. OK? Spoilers for this weeks' FREAKANGELS under my signature.

Oh, and I finally bought a Warren Ellis T-Shirt Of The Week:

But I've had to promise I won't wear it in front of my family members, who hate health care, and health in general, and already suspect me of being a Communist anarchist liberal type-person.

Remake!Fail
* I think I've yelled enough about this, but it still manages to make me insane:

[Found at Slash Film]
YOU DO NOT FUCK WITH THE KARATE KID. ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE RELATED TO WILL SMITH.

TeeVee
* I love Mystery Science Theater 3000. I love it. I love everything about it. I love Tom Serve and Crow and Gypsy. I may love Joel more than Mike because I think Joel is sexy, but I sort of think Mike was better onscreen. WHAT? Joel is AWESOME. I missed him terribly. But I digress.
Every episode should be on DVD. They should. Or at least on Instant Watch on Netflix. Here's a list of the best episodes that aren't yet on DVD. PUMAMAN. That is all you need to know. PUMAMAN. Think about the possibilities.

Geek Want
* I would like everything on this list. Except the Warren Ellis T-Shirt, obviously. Because I bought that for myself already. Because I'm greedy.
For the record, for the rest of the year, this will be more of a shopping advice section, because I am always looking for cool shit to get people (or to have them buy for me, because, as I've said, I am a greedy girl.)

Awesome
* I can knit. I can't knit WELL, but I can knit. I am now determined to learn how to knit skunk hats for everyone I know:

[Found at Neatorama]
SKUNK HATS FOR ALL. But not the cow hat. It looks like the cow is nomming on the babys' head. Which is not what I'm going for. SKUNK PUNK.

Daily Hot Guy

[Alan Rickman, and a statue head. I have no idea what is going on in this picture. Nor do I care. SOMETIMES THINGS DON'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE, DO THEY?]

Movie!Win
* BURKE & HARE. BURKE & HARE.

[Found at David Tennant News]
Simon Pegg and David Tennant and John Landis. Click here to learn more about it. BEST MOVIE EVER. You heard it here first.

Childhood!Fail
* Hmm, a motorcycle for small children based on the adventures of a man who broke nearly every bone in his body multiple times.

[Found at Like Cool]
And no helmet! This is a fail because on one hand, as a child I would have loved to get this as a gift. But it can only go up to 4 miles an hour. So naturally I would have raised the stakes:
'Hey, Mommy! Look at me!'
'L! HOW DID YOU GET UP ON THE ROOF WITH YOUR MOTORCYCLE?'
Point is, this is going to end badly. Either make it go faster, or include detailed instructions on the many ways Evel Knievel injured himself over the years, so dumb-ass parents can't sue. Just a thought.

Wow
* I'm not sure how I'd react to seeing this in a subway station:

[Found at Das Cabinet des Dr. Ruthven]
I'm sure it's meant to be positive and hopeful, but it would sort of freak me out. Good times for WHO, exactly? My good time is not the same as a serial killer's good time. Just saying.

Animals
* I want this dog:

What else can I add? I want this dog in my life.

Food!Win
* I made this yesterday for Thanksgiving. It's cranberry chutney:

[Found at Unfussy Fare]
And it was effing GLORIOUS. I would make more, except after yesterday I am never, ever eating again.

Girly Want
* I think I need these shoes. I can't figure out how to embed the image, so click here and see them. I also need a reason to wear these shoes, but that comes after I own them.

WTF, INTERNET?
* OH MY GOD:

[Found at Regretsy]
OH MY GOD. No thank you. Make it go away, please. CHIPMUNKS SHOULD NOT EAT MICE. Beatrix Potter would NEVER do this shit to children. I need to hug a stuffed animal.

Music
* In my next life, I want to be Lady Gaga:

Can someone make this happen? Please?

Technology
* Ikea is both a land of greatness and the place where the mind will crumble. I love Ikea. Here's what you should know about Ikea.
Here's the reason I will always love IKEA:

And Jonathan Coulton, obviously.

Crafts
* I cannot make this hat. But someone should make it for me:

[Found at Instructables]
Because I still cannot afford the super-expensive real pajamas they were selling. And that makes me sad.

Spoilers for this weeks' FREAKANGELS below my signature.
- LV

SPOILERS FOR THIS WEEKS' FREAKANGELS BELOW
- Beautiful art. How did the cops get wise to them? And their hair is so different. It makes it hard for me to tell who they are. MORE IMPORTANTLY, DO WANT THIS:

And I'm broke and trying to make nice things for my friends. It's going to be a rough season, guys. ROUGH FOR MY GREED.

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I'm Ripping Off The Band-Aid!

Blog
* This metaphor still alarms me. Title is from Pushing Daisies.

* I know, yesterday I was supposed to post things, but didn't due to real life being a pile of suck. So I apologize. I'm sorry I let down the internets.

* If you only read one blog, read my blog, because it has Watchmen stuff. But if you read two blogs, read this blog, because if SkratchPadd Skribbles and Fear & Loathing had a blog baby, that baby would EAT the internets. This is true.

Hunter S. Thompson
* He gets his own damn category, for a while, to make up for the shame of acting like yesterday was just another day in the universe, when it WASN'T.
Here is a video of Dr. Thompson being brilliant and both geeky AND insane and violent, which is hard to pull off, believe you me. Also I like his shirt, and the fact that he would not stop smoking, ever.

Plus the interviewer's WTF look is sort of priceless.

Books
* Turn a bookshelf into a secret passage! Well, you can. I can't. My house isn't designed for secrecy. If I tried this, my secret passage would just lead to the broom closet, which is nowhere NEAR as cool as a secret underground lair. This is the problem with my house. Also the other people.
* I am torn between agreeing with this guy that the Hugo Shortlist is sort of disappointing, and wanting him to shut the hell up, because I love everyone nominated for a Hugo this year, and the books as well. It's complicated. Very, very complicated. Because I think that while experimental writing is important, and an essential part of any genre, sometimes the good stories get bypassed for the books that are simply weird to be weird. Personally, I think it's harder to write a good story than use some unusual prose style, but that may be because I don't use unusual prose, because I can't write like that. The point is, some of the books I really and truly love - that passionate love you have for some stories - may be experimental, but by and large it is the story I remember, and the characters I love. So I guess I'm standing behind the Hugo Nominees, in part because Cory Doctorow is a techno-wizard, and Neil Gaiman has a direct line to Alan Moore.

Jersey!Fail
* My state has problems.

Police in central New Jersey say they arrested a man on burglary charges after he returned to the victim's house to apologize.

Despite what you think, this is not a good thing. You don't get points for apologizing for robbing someone. You get points for NOT ROBBING them. You LOSE points for trying to be a smooth criminal AND a moral person.
It's something in the water. Which is why I live entirely off of coffee, seltzer, and diet soda.

Harry Potter
* Do you want to cook Harry Potter food? Well, why the HELL NOT? Have you SEEN those feasts? Damn, man. And I want Butterbeer. Desperately. Butterscotch may be the most perfect food ever. I would drink that ALL DAY LONG. Then die from sugar poisoning, or a heart attack, or some other punishment for being to happy. Here are recipes for Butterbeer, Pumpkin juice, and treacle fudge. I should make butterbeer, put it in a thermos, and go see Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince again. Only I'll make mine alcoholic, and silence anyone who dares to talk during the movie, WITH VIOLENCE.
Here's a mouthwatering recipe for Cauldron Cakes. Only I want Snape to give them to me. Maybe not Snape - he'd put something nasty in it, then smirk as I writhed on the floor in agony. Send Lupin with some Cauldron Cakes, OK? We could talk books and bond.
Ahem. And here is a website that has EVERY FOOD you could want to eat from the books. I want pumpkin pasties (which, for years, I pronounced s Pae-stees, rather than 'pahstees,' and wondered why everyone was laughing. Their butterbeer has alcohol. I may mix this one with the nonalcoholic butterbeer and make SUPER butterbeer, and who will be laughing NOW?

Star Trek
* My boss has the entire collection of Burger King Star Trek bobbleheads, which is only one of the many reasons why he is my personal hero. I like them better than these, because they don't glow freakily, and part of me is thinking something is wrong with the teleporter, because that's how my brain works sometimes, and also Spock's eyebrows look really done up, don't you think?

[Found at NerdApproved]
He looks like Boy George in Vulcan form. This alarms me greatly. Do not Want.

Doctor Who
* For those of you who only watch Doctor Who for the sex appeal that is David Tennant (and while I cannot blame you, I certainly can judge you), here is a great primer on Time Lords, and his relationship with other Gallifreyans. And it talks a lot about the Second Doctor, who is probably my favorite of the Classic Doctors, because he played a musical instrument and was sneaky, and also Jamie was sort of sexy in his kilt. I'm a complicated woman.

Vampires
* The idea of a Vampire-Con sounds awesome and fun, until you realize it will be populated by TwiHards covered in sparkly shit (which my brilliant friend informed me is called Booty Dust, and which will be referred to as such forevermore. But you can go, and maybe bring True Blood pride?

Celebrity!Fail
* I understand your logic behind loving Megan Fox, and I still reject it, because she annoys me. I don't like Scarlet either. These are not the only options. I'm supporting Natalie Portman. Or Malin Ackerman. My choices should not be: Trashy and untalented and dopey, but honest, or Semi-talented and pretentious and ruining Tom Waits and married to Ryan Reynolds. Let's agree to disagree, Gawker.

Comics
* I'm definitely masochistic, because I keep posting information about the San Diego Comic Con. DOCTOR WHO. I'm OK. I'm FINE. Deep breath. WHY IS EVERYTHING GOOD SO FAR AWAY?! No, really, it's OK. WHAT IF DAVID TENNANT AND JACKIE EARLE HALEY AND JOSS WHEDON HANG OUT AND I MISS IT? AND THEY NEED A SHORT YOUNG WOMAN TO BE THEIR ASSISTANT? OH GOD OH GOD. I'm back, I'm fine. So, we were talking about movies, yes?

Daily Hot Guy

[Ewan McGregor, who is going to be in a movie with Jim Carrey, who I also find attractive, so long as he's not talking. Jim Carrey, not Ewan McGregor. Ewan can talk AND sing, and he's charming and has boss tattoos]

People I Love
* This weekend, after seeing Watchmen: The Director's Cut, my friend and I got into a heated debate about Russell Brand. My dear friend, who also gets the super-sexy of Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach, was rather disgusted by my unwavering attraction to Mr. Brand. The following exchange took place:
Her: Have you seen his HAIR?
Me: It's like a nest of sexy.
Her: No, it's a nest of FILTH.
Me: And I want to curl up in it and live there forever.
This video of Mr. Brand is for you, Aye. Learn to love the hair.

Remake!Fail
* You know how some remakes sound bad, but they might turn out good, just because? Like Dawn of the Dead, which I was violently against, until I saw it and realized that Zack Snyder is the messiah of Awesome? Or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which I liked better than Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, because it stuck much closer to the book and didn't have the Terrifying Tunnel Scene? Well, this remake has no chance of being good, at all, ever, forever and ever. They're remaking Straw Dogs. Yeah. Here's why this is Not OK:
- Dustin Hoffman is being replaced with James Marsden. And I like James Marsden. Don't laugh, but I thought he was brilliant in Enchanted, even if he DOES look uncannily like my ex-boyfriend, only not stoned. But casting James Marsden in the role of Dustin Hoffman shows you do not GET the point of Straw Dogs, as the article I linked to excellently points out.
- Kate Bosworth as his wife. No, no. She just grates on my nerves. I mean, she is wan and pale and never seems happy to be in the movies she's in. Also she was a bitch to.... JAMES MARSDEN in Superman Returns, which saddened me. Not as much as the whole movie did, but Kevin Spacey was badass, so I forgive its existence. Suffice it to say, she is replacing Susan George, who was able to perfectly balance the intensity of the role, and gave a devastating performance. Kate Bosworth was in Blue Crush. I'm just saying.
- Alexander Skarsgard plays Rapey McRaperson. OK, that was in vile taste, but if you've seen the movie you know it's not inaccurate. It's intense. And I LOVE Skarsgard on True Blood, where he is the fiercest vampire bitch ever, and True Blood is on tonight I just realized, thus giving Sunday a reason to exist. And I don't think he'll be BAD, per se. Even though the idea of him as a former football star clashes horribly with the idea of him boredly watching Lafayette hump his furniture, but that's my problem. The point is, I do not want him involved with this.
- Director Rod Lurie. The best movies you've directed so far are The Contender, which was ISSUE-FILLED, and The Last Castle, which was better than expected, but that is FAINT PRAISE INDEED. You've also directed several movies I've never seen. THIS is the resume you offer to direct Straw Dogs? Sam Peckinpah directed The Wild Bunch. YOU directed Resurrecting The Champ, which had Teri Hatcher and Josh Hartnett, and managed to make me briefly ashamed of Alan Alda, which is NEVER OK.
In conclusion, I don't think I'm overreacting.

Depression Session
* This is the worst news since I learned that sleeping kills you and soda can cause your muscles to stop working. There is a Slim Jim shortage in America. People, PEOPLE! Do not panic. That is what the terrorists want. We are strong, and we will get through this. Here's what we're going to do: We are going to calmly head to the nearest deli/7-11/vender of such products, and buy out their Slim Jim supplies. We are all on rations, now. Guard them carefully.
Haha, I am kidding of course. We don't need Slim Jims! I don't even like - DON'T OPEN THAT CLOSET. I am the ONLY ONE who can snap into a Slim Jim! Hahaha, um, may I offer you a vegan cookie?

TeeVee
* I take it back, THIS is the worst news ever in the history of television. The joy you have over Futurama coming back to TV? Get ready to have it crushed under the steel heel of the Boot of Fail: They are recasting the voices. Because of the salaries. I have so much rage, and I don't know where to begin.
- Matt Groening and David Cohen: TAKE SOME OF THE MONEY FROM THE SIMPSONS. NANCY CARTWRIGHT IS BUYING SCIENTOLOGY, SHE CAN SPARE A FEW BUCKS.
- The Cast: WHY HAS THOU FORSAKEN ME?
- The Universe: Well played, you sick bastard
Seriously, we need to start a collection. Voice Sound Alikes NEVER work. This is not OK. NO ONE CAN PLAY BENDER BUT JOHN DiMAGGIO. IT'S IN THE BIBLE. Plus, according to the internet, he's doing voice-work for the cancer-causing show, Penguins of Madagascar, so he CLEARLY is willing to settle. This has ruined the day. Matt Groening, it is with a heavy heart that I dub you with FAIL.

Journalism
* I don't dislike The New Republic AT ALL, or Andrew Sullivan, its former editor, for the most part. I disagree with both from time to time, as I disagree with everyone and everything, but I don't think TNR is run by insane assholes, or malicious lunatics, or morons. Also I know some people working for them, and they are good writers who check their sources. And Andrew Sullivan spread that hysterical rumor about Sarah Palin, even if it was in poor taste, and he likes the Pet Shop Boys.
THAT BEING SAID, Andrew Sullivan, please don't say that we should all blog for free. I already blog for free. Really, I make no money doing this. I do it because it's fun and I love it, and because I have a lot of yelling in me. You get paid to blog. That is fine. I do not resent that. But the writing industry is having enough problems without you FURTHER disparaging bloggers, who have become the community toilet of the publishing world.
And might I add, Mr. Sullivan, that you are a successful author/editor/blogger who makes monies? I am sitting in my parents' kitchen in my pajamas, drinking my fifth cup of coffee and yelling at the news. Blogging is not glamorous. Soon they'll start CHARGING us, and then I will be sad.

It's a glorious, sunny day. I have nothing to do. Ergo, I am going to put on a sexy dress and some killer shoes, and go cause some trouble. I'm thinking, maybe train the neighborhood kids on zombie fighting techniques? You're never too early to learn how to slaughter the undead.
- LV

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It's Nerves. It's A Stomach Thing. Like Acid Reflux But In My Eye.

Blog
* Pushing Daisies was cancelled. 90210 was not cancelled. If you ever needed proof that there is no god, this is it.

Freakangels Friday
* Today IS going to be a good day. Because another week of FREAKANGELS has come, and we are blessed with the wisdom of Warren Ellis. When is his next novel coming out? I believe the Barnes & Nobles I worked at was closed in part by my continued fixation on selling copies of Crooked Little Vein to inappropriate customers. 'Children's book? Well, this has Godzilla in it. What's bukkake? Um... it means smile. Yes. Smile.' 'Need a present for your grandma? This has a love story! It's sweet! Tell me, is your grandmother on any heart medication?' But I digress. Go read FREAKANGELS. I will read it after I post this, so spoilers below my signature.

Comics
* I came THISCLOSE to going to the San Diego ComicCon, and one day I will get over that, maybe. But my friends who are going have to have a good time. THEY ARE OBLIGATED. Here is a list of stuff that WILL NOT be at the ComicCon, including Joss Whedon's new horror/comedy thing, but that HARDLY comforts me. Did you see what IS going to be there? DID YOU? This is because I make fun of religion and stupid people, isn't it?

People I Love
* This may have filled me with geek love. Like a lot. Rainn Wilson, Nathan 'Captain Tightpants' Fillion, and comics. This also proves my theory that Twitter can be used for good. And they both used the phrase, 'shit percolating,' which inexplicably delights me. I have no idea what the project could be, but I will endorse it and buy it. Because Nathan Fillion rules. He's Captain Reynolds, DAMMIT.

Remake!Fail
* Well, I quit. Me and Hollywood are breaking up. This is it. I am DISGUSTED. I put up with a LOT, Hollywood. I forgave you for shafting Terry Gilliam, and mis-marketing Be Kind Rewind and Grindhouse and apparently driving M. Night Shyamalan insane. But COME THE HELL ON? I really had been actively pretending that the Karate Kid remake was all a sick, tacky joke. But it's all too real. Oh, wait, you're calling it the Kung Fu Kid. THAT MAKES IT ALL BETTER, DOESN'T IT? Here's the summary:

Jaden Smith plays Dre, a skateboarding video game buff who is forced to move to China after his single mother (Taraji P. Henson) is forced to transfer to the China for work. Of course, unable to speak Chinese, Dre finds it hard to settle in, and gets beat up by the local bully. Jackie Chan plays Mr. Han, a maintenance man who spots Dre’s black-eye and offers to teach him both martial arts and Chinese, so he can defend against the students of Li Quan Ha’s Fighting dragon school of Kung-Fu.

OK, why the FUCK is Will Smith's spawn acting now? I am not getting behind this. Your father can act, sometimes (in Six Degrees of Separation, although since then I have come to despise him, excluding of course The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, which is still funny and timeless) but he has lost his mind and now insists on making painfully bad movies like Hancock, which people continue to see and I DO NOT KNOW WHY. When he's not making movies about jellyfish killing people, of course.
And Jackie Chan. No. NO. I expected better from you. You are made of WIN. Even when you make awful, stupid movies, you continue to be made of win. Remember First Strike? THAT WAS GREAT. And I know you're getting older, but this is NOT the solution. No, don't try to explain yourself. I can't even look at you right now.

Depression Session
* This may be bitchy of me, but I find this story sort of entertaining. In Indiana, you can't just sit around and be unemployed anymore. Oh, no.

Those on unemployment must now submit at least one job application each week and also look for work at least two other places. Previously, unemployment recipients simply had to conduct three work searches per week.

This is all news to me. Does this happen in other states? I mean, I was unemployed in New York for months, and while I wasn't collecting unemployment so nobody gave a shit while I STARVED, and I was submitting dozens of goddamn job applications PER DAY, nobody even TOLD me about this. I kind of like the idea. Except, as I am an excellent example of, sometimes you send out twenty job applications a day, and are willing to break most major laws, and you STILL don't get a job, and then the depression and jag crying spells happen, which help NO ONE. Maybe they should help people find jobs they can actually GET? Instead of rubbing in the shittiness of the job market? Anyone?

Daily Hot Guy

[Alexander Skarsgard, AKA Eric Northman in True Blood before his hair got all bloody, but it's sexy now so it's OK, and who managed to replace Vampire Bill in my heart, because Eric would kick your ass and degrade you and ruin your life, and still be totally bored by you. Except I think he's going to be in the Straw Dogs remake, and we need to have a chat about that.]

TeeVee
* So while watching Burn Notice last night (such a good show), a trailer for Torchwood: Children of Earth came on. And I maybe screamed and cheered and then had to go lie down, and then panicked because OMFG it's on at nine ever night next week, which is the SAME TIME as Burn Notice, until I was reminded that we have that recording thing on the TVs in my house, so maybe I should not panic even though I can't work it, so I will have to figure that out at some point before Monday. Anyway. Good news everybody! They are airing each episode uncut, so they will run over an hour, AND there will be special Inside Interviews with the cast and crew. All I care about is Jack/Ianto. TEAM IANTO. He's my favorite. DON'T SPOIL IT FOR ME, NON-AMERICANS. Or I can sue you for emotional damage, and also I will win my very own Jack Harkness and he will KILL you for me and Ianto will make me coffee and we will be friends. My fourth cup of coffee, why do you ask?

Journalism
* The Continuing Brain-Snap of Glenn Beck: in which his logic goes like this: Obama is a man. Hitler was a man. Ergo, OBAMA WANTS TO KILL ALL THE PEOPLE OH NOES. You think I'm kidding. And I am, but not by much. What's it like in Glenn Beck's head? I imagine it's very loud. That's why he has to yell so much, to drown out the voices.

* Even with this news story about ginormous cucumbers (seriously. THIS IS ON THE NEWS. SOMEONE DECIDED THAT THIS WAS PERTINENT INFORMATION) I really miss MSNBC. CNN is destroying my brain. And Fox... well, the less said the better. But Dave Shuster losing his shit and laughing over the cucumber kind of makes me forgive many, many sins. Good thing Pat Buchanan wasn't on - you know it would've been a goddamn SOCIALIST cucumber and he would chop it up, for DEMOCRACY.

Wow
* This is a billboard that bleeds when it rains, to remind you not to drive recklessly in bad weather.

Apparently it works, and it's brilliant marketing, but it upsets and frightens me profoundly. So it's effective. And creepy. I want to meet whoever thought this up. And understand their brain. Because this is some David Lynch shit right there.

Geek Want
* This would be more effective than ANY anti-depressant:

[Found at NerdApproved]
It lays eggs and dances and SMILES! It is a sincere delight. And it SINGS. This could revolutionize the world. Give one to everyone. Violence will go down. IT LAYS LITTLE PLASTIC EGGS. Of course, productivity will plummet, as the entire world sits around smiling at the plastic ducks. And then they will be our overlords. Which I'm also fine with. DUCKY!

Politics
* Sometimes you just have to wonder about politicians. Lindsey Graham is suggesting we shouldn't probe the personal lives of politicians, because everyone has dark secrets. Dark, dark secrets. Including him. This is the verbal equivalent of holding up a sign that says, 'I got some skeletons buried in the closet, DIG! DIG FOR THE TRUTH!' He might as well just say, 'Don't go near that brothel on Main Street and mention General Randypants, OK?' SOMEONE NEEDS TO DO THAT. Not call him that, though. That was just creepy. But really, imagine if Bill Clinton had said, 'See that intern over there? Don't ask her any questions about me, OK, guys?' It would have been a madhouse. More so than it was anyway.

* If I am ever a politician, and I am married and trying to maintain me dignity, I will not have an affair with my friend's husband. But if I DO have an affair with my friend's husband, who WORKS FOR ME, I promise, I PROMISE, that I will not ask my mommy and daddy for money to pay off my lover. Listen to this: you are having a hot affair. And you have to go to your mom and DAD, and say, 'Listen, so I'm cheating on my partner, and I can't pay my lover to go away because that's illegal, so can I borrow thousands of dollars to make them leave me alone? Mommy?" When did politics get so lame? Sarah Palin and Pat Buchanan need to have a love affair. I'm depressed by these lame politicians. You know what JFK did when his affairs went badly? HE KILLED THEM AND SLEPT WITH SOMEONE ELSE? I have no proof to back this up, but you didn't see him cringing and crying and going to his parents for money to make his affairs go away. I mean, Mark Sandford and John Ensign are lame. They can't even have GOOD scandals. At least Jon Edwards is coming across as a total douchebag. God, I'm depressed by this. Hunter Thompson would skull-fuck these guys to death, then dance on their ashes. I miss him.

Enough for now. FREAKANGELS, and then I have to go get ready for Watchmen: The Director's Cut. I am wearing a fedora, and I have to CROSS STATE LINES TO SEE THIS MOVIE. Not that I'm complaining. I am filled with delight. And I'm going with my friends! I will post pictures, at least of the theater. And I decided not to wear my Watchmen sweatshirt and beanie, because it is New York City and hot as hell, and if I die of heatstroke I will miss the movie.
- LV

WARNING: SPOILERS FOR FREAKANGELS BELOW
* OH MY FUCKING GOD. THAT WAS INTENSE. DUDE. But doesn't Luke have the Brain Powerz? I bet someone stops the bullet. But it's INTENSE. And the more I hear about Mark, the more curious I become. He sounds like a sick bastard. And Karl did not die once again. Warren Ellis must be plotting someone. Lastly, beautiful, beautiful art. I know it's simple, but the blood behind Luke is so effective. I loves me FREAKANGELS.

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Never Trust A Species That Grins All The Time. It's Up To Something.

Blog
* Title is from the Discworld series by Terry Pratchett (specifically Pyramids) and is the defense I use whenever I declare war on the dolphins, who will bail at the first sign of trouble. Jerks.

Tattoo Of Win

[Found at LOLTATZ]
Well. That was certainly one way to start off the day. Blind.

Food
* This link will give you food and drink hacks, including:
- How to build a fire with chocolate and Coke.
- Open a beer bottle with a piece of paper.
- Not cry while cutting onions.
The first one I listed will obviously be useful when the zombies attack, but mostly I just want to see people try to do these hacks and fail. 'Look, dudes, take the piece of paper, take the beer bottle, and- OH GODS MY EYES THE BEER STINGS!' Then I laugh and open my beer bottle with an opener.

Words of Win

see more Fail Blog

YouTube Wonders
* This isn't being posted because it obliquely has to do with Michael Jackson. This is being posted because the reporter HIT a dude, and that is always funny. But the real beauty is the expression of amused horror on the anchor's face.

EMBED-Reporter Slaps Drunk Michael Jackson Fan - Watch more free videos

Books
* Here is an article on why even 'young authors' are generally in their thirties. Clearly I need to break this trend, and be published by twenty-five. So I need to have written a book by the time I was ten, and MAYBE the book would be out by now if the editing process had gone smoothly. By my calculations, if I finish editing my book by the end of THIS month, and send it out to agents, etc, I can expect to be published around the time I start wearing turbans and apply for Social Security (which won't exist anymore!). So... shit. I'm depressed. Switching from alcohol to hard booze.

People I Love
* Ryan Gosling is one of the very, VERY few people allowed to get away with shit like this:

[Found at BestWeekEver]
And even he had better not push it. But he was on the Mickey Mouse Club AND Are You Afraid of the Dark?. He can do whatever the hell he wants.

Remake!Fail
* This is a joke, right? It's not a remake, but... WHY would anyone make a movie out of Asteroids? There is no plot. There are no characters. There is a tiny ship, and it shoots asteroids and aliens. The ship can't even move very much. There are no graphics, and frankly that's great and I loved this game when I got my first computer (it was called a Unicorn (I'm serious) and I still want to know what truck from hell that machine fell off the back of, but at nine I thought it was rad) and I played it all the time, and I don't WANT Hollywood to do anything with it. LEAVE ASTEROIDS ALONE.

Depression Session
* You should be ashamed of yourself. Yes, you. What with all the hard work our government is putting into the economy, most consumers still have no confidence. So it's YOUR fault that we're all screwed and going to die poor and alone. Not the corrupt companies that screwed us out of untold millions of dollars, or the economic climate, or ANYTHING. It's not my fault. I bought TWO books at Borders yesterday, and one was a HARDCOVER. It's all because you won't buy me an apartment. Don't get me STARTED on the housing market. That's your fault too. Also global warming and Jennifer Anniston's movie career. Well? What do you have to say for yourself?

TeeVee
* Fuck it. I spent ten minutes cursing at the computer and trying to figure out how to embed the trailer for Bored To Death, the new show on HBO coming this fall and starring two guys I like with ridiculously challenging last names (Jason Schwartzman and Zach Galifianakis, and you bet your sweet ass I copy and pasted that) and I ADORE detective themed things, which is why I still love Raymond Chandler and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, but I couldn't figure out all the damn technical shit, and I'm TIRED and was up late trying to figure out a scene in my book (180 pages typed, and they are all BAD, YAAAAY!) and I have work today and people are not texting me back so I don't KNOW what's happening tonight, and I really want to curl up and read The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, because I can't read The Strain until I finish MY vampire book, and everyone is SICK of vampires anyway, and HBO is on my shit list because Hung is not funny AT ALL, so you know what? Click on the damn link, and then watch Bored To Death, because writers pretending to be detectives is AWESOME.

Daily Hot Guy

[Zack Snyder, director of Dawn of the Dead (the remake, which I fucking love, and you should love, although of course it doesn't have the political and social commentary of the original), 300 (dooming me to eternally scream, "THIS. IS. INSERT WORD HERE" and imagine I am kicking irritating people into the Pit of Death), and of course, Watchmen, which DID NOT SUCK and he had Jackie Earle Haley play Rorschach, WHICH IS ALL I NEED OUT OF LIFE, and Snyder lives his life entirely in slow-motion, and really, directors are not supposed to be sexy, and his appeal is WARPING my fragile mind, but in a good way, and STOP MAKING EVERYTHING BLU-RAY, you sexy devil, you]

Comics
* Oh, LA Times, go fuck yourself. A girl can like comics. Not just because of the hot guys (which, obviously, I do appreciate a great deal) but because comics and science fiction and fantasy kick ASS. I have been to the New York Comic Con, and you KNOW what I got the most excited about? Saying hi to Mike Mignola, seeing Neil Gaiman speak, and harassing the poor DC Comics guy about why Ron Perlman wasn't going to play The Comedian in Watchmen (not that Jeffrey Dean Morgan didn't do an amazing job). Also the free shit and seeing Bill Hader gush about Neil Gaiman and accidentally body-checking Chris Carter as he ran to the bathroom. And the lightsaber fights.
Look, in many ways girls that go to ComicCons are like girls who do not: some of us like hot guys and makeup and shoes. Some of us do not (I do, as you probably know by now, but I am not representative of anyone but myself). The point is, I can't imagine paying the amount of money you have to put down for a ComicCon just to stare psychotically at an attractive male. Why can't I do both? I'm complicated, and I can be just as excited about asking Mike Mignola if he thinks the film version of Hellboy remains true to the mythology set down in the comics AND think Zachary Quinto is hot. I can multitask, dammit. Now I'm offended and angry and running out of coffee and just sort of pissed I can't afford to go to ANY ComicCon's this year, the end.

Journalism
* Malcolm Gladwell sez: "You can't start blogging at 23 and call yourself a journalist."
ElleVee sez: "What the hell do you call this then? You're just jealous because I'm not old and saggy."

* If a tree falls in the forest and hits Bill O'Reilly, will he FINALLY stop screaming? No. He never will.

* World, if you are serious about Long Island being a state, I will sign whatever you need to get that done:


Wow
* For all those people who don't think pyromania is sexy:

[Found at LikeCool]

[Found at LikeCool]
Well, I have a new crush. Fire is the cleanser. Of LOVE. Click here for a ton more pictures.

Geek Want
* I'm lying, I don't want to own these shoes:

[Found at BoingBoing]
I want to HANG OUT with someone wearing these shoes, and bask in the light of their awesome and win. Like, if Jackie Earle Haley wore these shoes, the world would implode with sheer coolness.

Politics
* Continuing our Sarah Palin coverage, here are a few quick links of rumors that may turn out to be true, for your edification:
- Sarah Palin is maybe going to work to stop abortion, even though she CHOSE to have her youngest child, which is what being PRO-CHOICE IS ABOUT.
- Sarah Palin lost her shit over shit over the piles of paperwork and legal issues and can't handle you all YELLING AT HER ALL THE TIME, so she quit to go not be a quitter, because clearly quitting is what you do when you're a FIGHTER.
- Sarah Palin had a long and serious talk with Dick Cheney and Rudy Giuliani before deciding to run screaming into the woods of of Alaska. Clearly, a dude who SHOT A DUDE IN THE FACE and also wants America to be attacked, and another dude who married his cousin and makes me think of the movie Leprechaun, are the perfect people to consult when making important life choices.

The one good thing about CNN? Anderson Cooper and his Arms of Morality.
- LV

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Were I Unwed I Would Take You In A Manly Fashion.

Blog
* Wash, you are an endless source of delight. Title is from Firefly.

Watchmen
* So I am insane about the fact that Watchmen: The Director's Cut is only coming out with all the special features in Blu-Ray, which I DO NOT HAVE AND CANNOT AFFORD, ZACK SNYDER. I SAW THE MOVIE FOUR TIMES IN THEATERS. I MADE EVERYONE I KNOW GO SEE IT. I HAVE A RORSCHACH TATTOO. I WIN. YOU FAIL. LET ME SEE THIS MOVIE. Ahem. Anyway, apparently at Comic-Con they're going to show the Director's Cut, and you can watch it online and then ask Zack Snyder questions, and all mine will be about WHY DO YOU HATE THOSE OF US WITHOUT BLU-RAY?

Tattoo Of Win
* This is not sarcastic or snarky, because these tattoos are beautiful:

[Found at Neatorama]
They're supposed to look like crayon drawings, and I think they're quite lovely. Designs by Yann Travaille, who should design a Hunter Thompson tattoo for me that isn't masculine, and then tattoo me for free, because I am cheap.

Food
* Screw the candies, which I am sure are disgusting and look like they have that dusty shit I DESPISE, and just give me the amazering holders:

[Found at Geekologie]
I want to use these things to hold makeup and change and drugs. What? WHAT? Pac-Man never said no. To ANYTHING.

Comics
* See, I am excited about The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly comic. But I'm also worried. Because The Man With No Name is a force of nature, and if you screw up his tale, he will hunt you down. It doesn't matter where you go or how far you run. He will follow, always, and he will find you, and then he will BURY YOU ALIVE, which sucks. But I had nothing to do with the comic, so I simply will look forward to this comic, which is written by Chuck Dixon. I may not buy it, because the cover irritates me in a nonspecific way, but I always like a good Western. Then again, I like total and insane violence, too, so I may not be the best barometer for, well, anything.

Words Of Win

see more Fail Blog

YouTube Wonders
* This is a short video of a cute baby snuggling with a cute puppy. It's Monday. Don't push it.
\

Books
* James Joyce rules. Here is a recording of him reading a section of Finnegan's Wake. It's OK if you don't always understand what Joyce is talking about. He's a writer whose words flow over you. Like fine wine. That you bathe in. Yes, I bathe in wine. Constantly.

Vampires
* Last night I finished the rough draft of my Epic Vampire Novel of Dubious Quality (except for the epilogue, which I have written in my head but have yet to put on paper). I also learned that I'm an idiot, but that's a daily discovery. To celebrate the rough draft being (essentially) finished, here is a guide to other vampire worlds of True Blood, Angel, and that Sparkly Vampire Franchise. Notice that the ones that DON'T suck also DON'T sparkle. And sparkle and suck start with the same letter, so airtight logic, Twilight FAILS.

People I Love
* Here is a video of Russell Brand. I am going to be a Brandystripper. It is my Calling. Do not question my life choices.

Remake!Fail
* How wrong is it that I am sort of thrilled by the upcoming disaster of the Spiderman Musical? It cannot be good. It just CAN'T. Spiderman is not MEANT to be in musical for? But I want to go, and see it, despite the fact that I loathe Bono AND Evan Rachel Wood. Alan Cumming as Green Goblin is inspired (although why isn't Willem Dafoe doing it? Can he sing? I'd pay to see him try), so that's one positive. Personally I'm hoping they can't get Jim Sturgess to play Spidey, because while I think he's talented and gorgeous and maybe have a little thing for him, I want them to miscast the role. I want Ashton Kutcher to play Spidey. YES. Can you IMAGINE? The stage would collapse under the weight of such horrors. And Alan Cumming would jump to safety, and Evan Rachel Wood would do something disgusting and get accolades for a great movie just because she didn't ruin it, and Ashton Kutcher would Tweet about how nobody understands his genius, the end.

Depression Session
* What do you do when you've destroyed the ozone layer AND you're broke because you spent all your money on tickets for the new Spiderman Musical, and now it's summer and the sun is burning through your delicate flesh? Make your own sunblock, and remember the days before the world was doomed to hell. Or just stay indoors, like me. Away from the sun. IT BURNS US. Or you could pretend you're an earth mother/father who loves to be economical and homey, and pretend that the economic collapse has NOTHING to do with your decisions. Nothing at all.

TeeVee
* Remember when the networks weren't afraid of freaking out kids? And they showed stuff that was actually frightening, as scary shows should be? I miss Are You Afraid of the Dark. And Snick. That whole night was epic. Space Cases, anyone? Jewel Staite for the win! But Are You Afraid of the Dark will always be special. It scared the everloving shit out of me regularly, and assured everyone that I'd spend the night crying in the corner of my room with every light blazing, convinced I was going to die a hideous TV-14 death.
Now I love horror movies. I have seen hundreds of the most twisted, deviant films out there (Poughkeepsie Tapes, anyone? Bueller?) But just looking at the pictures of these '35 Creepiest Are You Afraid of the Dark? Characters' brought back an almost physical reaction. Zeebo the clown?

You KNOW my clown issues. In fact, by posting this picture, I can no longer look at my own blog. I had to close my eyes while I copied and pasted.
The little boy who kept saying, 'I'm cold?'

GOD DAMN. And you see that mummy?

That mummy is the reason why, for MOST of my childhood, I would not sleep with my back to the door. EVER. So let us reminisce about the scary things that go bump in the night, and wonder aloud as to WHY THE HELL this show isn't on DVD. BECAUSE IT IS NOT. I HAVE LOOKED.

Journalism
* I do not like CNN. I miss MSNBC, but since we switched over our TV service, we can't get it. I miss Keith Olbermann yelling at me through the TV, and Pat Buchanan screaming and predicting doom. I miss my friends. But CNN does have moments of jaw-dropping stupidity that make me laugh, in terror. This whole piece on CNN blathering about how important Twitter is while completely and utterly ignoring people Tweeting about the Iranian election and effectively using the social network to get attention to an issue is funny. You have to laugh. Because these people are paid to do these things.
Look, Twitter is not perfect. It is deeply flawed (and fuck whoever started those rumors about Jeff Goldblum being dead, THAT WAS MEAN), but if you know how to weed through the bullshit, it can be unbelievably useful. This morning, Twitter told me Robert S. McNamera was dead a full half an hour before I saw it on the news. And while I would like some journalists to use Twitter (not just Tweet news stories for their networks, actually USE IT), it's a new source of information, and CNN is just scared shitless.
Then again, MSNBC uttered this line of Epic, Soul-Crushing Fail:

So maybe I should stop watching news on TV. For my health.

Wow
* I want to go to a Banksy show. Even though he revealed himself to not be a ninja. Not that I was hoping for that at all. Um, here's a BBC video of his show. Which features no ninjas.


Daily Hot Guy

[Chris Pine AKA Captain James Tiberius Kirk, making me lust after the Captain for the first time in Star Trek history, although my heart belongs to Spock, and Data, for always]

Today I finish writing a book. The first draft. Second draft will destroy what remains of my delicate sanity. Talk amongst yourselves.
- LV

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Bruce Campbell Is The Reason Why Waldo Is Hiding.

Blog
* And when the new movie comes out, it will end in a grisly bloodbath.

People I Love
* My dear internet friend (that sounds weirder than it is) laroux74 sent me this, because she has magical powers and is benevolent and knows things the rest of us can't possibly comprehend:

see more Lol Celebs
Also, SYLAR KITTY.

Remake!Fail
* An American Werewolf in London was a great, fun, scary movie that more people should watch and appreciate. An American Werewolf in Paris was a terrible, confusing movie that was neither funny nor scary, and had slimy werewolves. So forgive me if taking ANOTHER stab at remaking an underrated horror movie does not fill me with unmitigated glee. And it's the company made those Halloween remakes, and you KNOW how I feel about them (hint: it begins with an 'h' and ends with an 'omicidal.'

Star Trek
* I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. But if I had to see this, you have to see it too. I can't be alone in this knowledge, people. This is on par with the horror of Watchwomen. Yes, it's like that. Gird your loins:

Oh, Spock, WHY?!

TeeVee
* I love Torchwood, and I have so many questions about this image from the "Children of Earth" miniseries:

[Found at i09]
- Why is Gwen wearing such an ill-fitting leather jacket?
- Why is nobody looking at anybody else? Did someone fart, and they're all desperately trying not to laugh? Was there an uncomfortable sexual moment seconds before this photo was snapped?
- Why is Ianto's gun so much bigger than anyone else's?
- Why does Ianto look so damn sad? Really, that is a surly little fellow. And if I had gotten the sexings from Captain Jack Harkness, I would never do anything but grin. Does Ianto need a hug?
- Why does Captain Jack continue to prove my theory that guys named Captain Jack are invariably sexy rogues?
It's too early for such questions.

Random
* Is CNN's slogan really, 'Let's go?' ARE YOU SERIOUS? That's the BEST your marketing gurus could come up with? Really? I miss MSNBC. At least then I could count on Pat Buchanan to scream at someone until they gave him a mug of cocoa and a nap.

Journalism
* I use the term 'journalism' loosely when it comes to Bill O'Reilly, but this blog needs to salute Joan Walsh, who made O'Reilly go crazy and lose his shit while she casually pwned him with her rational thought and common sense. Watch the video and laugh at the sad little man. Remember when he sexually harassed that woman? That has nothing to do with anything, but I like to remind people that O'Reilly has NO moral compass. Or if he does, it always points to BATSHIT.

Wow - New Category!
* This category will cover things that amaze/astonish, and in a good way:

[Found at Gawker]
That is the new Sear's Tower observation deck, and I can't decide if I want to live there forever or stay the hell away, because I do have a rational fear of plummeting to my hideous death. But Gawker mentioned Chris Van Allsburg, and that always makes me happy (and if you don't know who he is, I hate you, and you'd better goddamn click here to find out), and I feel like if I went there inspiration for a great book would come right before abject, pants-wetting fear.

Geek Want
* Let me make myself very, very clear here:

[Found at BoingBoing]
If you can make one of these functional, and can find an old copy of Street Fighter, I will marry you. Note: LV reserves the right to not marry you if she doesn't feel like it.

Politics
* Right wing nutjobs (not to be confused with Republicans or conservatives - I am talking about the people who believe Jesus rode the dinosaurs to Freedom before sending them all to hell, and will try to convince you of this with his AK-47) are going to kill us all with their violence and nuttiness. I'd like to say that I'm against killing in general. Except of zombies, because they're already dead. It's one thing to disagree with someone else, or hate the way they live their life. That's FINE. That's your right. However, when you decide to start SHOOTING people who disagree with you, then maybe you need to reexamine your debating skills.

Movie!Fail - Newish Category
* I'm dividing up movies, because I like talking about them. Anyway, once again we will be denied the genius of Terry Gilliam, because we don't deserve it, but mostly because studio executives are assholes who would rather spend money on Saw XIX than a potentially brilliant science fiction film. We get what we deserve. BUT I DESERVE THIS MOVIE, DAMMIT. So let's all send Terry Gilliam money, because he's Terry Gilliam and he made Brazil and Twelve Monkeys and I love him, and I even liked The Brothers Grimm, in large part because it was Terry Gilliam with Matt Damon and Heath Ledger, and it was the first Gilliam movie I ever saw in theaters, and god dammit, the man should get Michael Bay's budget from now on, because Terry Gilliam may frighten and disturb me, but such is the cost of genius.

Harry Potter
* Who wants Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince merchandise? If your answer was not I DO I DO and screaming and tearing of the hair, then don't click this link. And why is an audio book of Alan Rickman coldly mocking everything I say NOT one of the prizes? Probably because it only exists in my mind, but wouldn't you pay for that? I would. It's all about Snape. Don't kid yourself. I wouldn't give a shit about this series (probably) were it not for that complex and incredibly sad character. TEAM SNAPE. I want all this stuff.

WTF, INTERNET?
* Did I ever tell you guys the story about how I got kicked out of CCD (the after-school program where you learn about stuff so you can get communion and confirmation within the Catholic Church) because I refused to give up my Ouija board when I was a young lass? Because I knew it was nothing more than a funny, stupid game, and I found it insane that anyone would take it seriously? Well, if it had looked like this, I don't think I would have had a problem:

[Found at Jezebel]
If I die (ever) and become a ghost, and some little bitch tries to get in touch with my with that Pepto-Bismol colored, sexist piece of crap to ask me if the love of her life this week is going to text her, I will haunt the SHIT out of her. Only dark spirits can come from such a thing. And, seriously, WTF? Why does it have to be pink? Do mine girly eyes on see the more delicate shades? The ones I used in middle school were white, and I saw them JUST FINE. You buy this for a little girl, you're going to wake up with hunks of it jammed down your throat. By the girl, or the evil spirits. It's a toss-up.

Daily Hot Guy

[Christopher Eccleston with the TARDIS, and he's STILL my favorite Doctor, OK?! He was taken from us far too soon, and his eyes are AMAZING and he's sad and sexy, and why can't he appear on a special, DAMMIT?]

Movie!Win - Newish Category
* Look, I like categories. And FOCUS: There might be a Goonies 2, maybe, although I'm still more interested in Lost Boys 3, and YES I love Corey Feldman, always have, and no that does not negatively affect my life, you're all just jealous. Of something. What? I'm sorry, someone switched out my coffee to something with extra espresso. The air is loud in here. GOONIES 2.

Animals
* Can birds fart? Yes. Yes they can. Dinosaurs could burp and fart too. I learned that from Nickelodeon Magazine, before the recession killed it.

More later, most likely. I know I write that almost every morning, but I'm on a surprise vacation. Be grateful. By the way, this blog must soon celebrate the birth of the late Hunter Stockton Thompson. How should we do that? My friend suggested a third tattoo, but those are expensive and I STILL can't decide on a nice image, but we have to honor him SOME WAY. He's A GOD, PEOPLE. Or I could get drunk and shoot of fireworks. In a bikini. He'd appreciate that, yeah?
- LV

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