There Is No Justice There Is Just Us

Blog
* Depending on how you look at it, that's really comforting or deeply, DEEPLY disturbing. Title is from Reaper Man by Terry Pratchett.

Movie!Win
* I was going to file the remake of Dorian Gray under Movie!Fail, because Oscar Wilde remakes have to legally include Rupert Everett before his face melted, and just on basic principle. Then I saw that Prince 'I Am So Sexy' Caspian from The Chronicles of Narnia was playing Dorian, and I stopped caring about things like plot or acting. Also it has Colin Firth. Mainly, though, sexy British dudes being scandalous and inappropriate. I am THERE:


Vampire
* This article, written by the wonderfully talented Dan Faust (who, when he takes over the world, has promised me an army of fedora-wearing monkeys) PROVES that modern vampires suck. They are supposed to be SCARY, not Angsty Teenage Pretties of Angsty Gloomy Angst. Even Angel occasionally went batshit and killed everyone, for fun.

Russell Brand
* Here is a video of Russell Brand talking about birds. They could live in his hair nest of sexy. Incidentally, Rorschach is alive and well and living in Alan Moore's beard. TRUE.

Sherlock Holmes
* So the new Sherlock Holmes movie will not be steampunk. Which is disappointing, as I love steampunk. But, as I just told my friend, 'So long as he boxes shirtless and is a rapscallion, I don't really care WHAT the movie is about. Like I said, I am SHALLOW.

Jackie Earle Haley
* It is hard for me to talk about the new Nightmare On Elm Street movie without being reduced to fangirl squees. This isn't helping:

[Found at Collider]
It's like porn for sick people. He's even got the Christmas sweater. AND A FEDORA. I'm fine. I'm fine. I also heard that Mr. Haley is all sorts of genius in the trailer for the movie. As if he could be otherwise. So yes. There is much excitement. Wow, I'm proud. I got through that fairly calmly. Success in our time!

Whedonverse
* So, this weekend, I was the last person on Earth to discover Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. I know, I am a mass of failure. I apologize for letting you all down so very much. BUT I LOVED IT. And Neil Patrick Harris is going to join the pantheon of Daily Hot Guys. And I think if Jackie Earle Haley had shown up as a villain, I'd be dead now from the happy. AND JOSS WHEDON SAYS THERE WILL BE A COMIC. Although the singing won't work as well. Unless it comes with a soundtrack. Or an audio book. All of which I'd buy.
There will also be a Shepherd Book comic, which I'm less excited about. I LIKED the mystery about him on Firefly. I LIKE that we never learned his past, because he was MYSTERIOUS. So I'm worried that whatever his back story is, it won't be as good as what's going on in my head. Also, Book is one of the characters that Proves My Theory. Just saying.

Daily Hot Guy

[Christopher Eccleston, who proved my theory that If I Love A Character, They Will Die Horribly, not once but TWICE: In Cracker and in Doctor Who (regeneration counts as dying if I CRY) Oh, OH and he ran away like an invisible weasel in Heroes, but that may have been due to Peter Petrelli's AWFUL hair]

Iron Man
* Click here for some pictures from Iron Man 2. Robert Downey Jr.'s facial hair is pornographic. And the ANGST. The angsty angst. But where is Sam Rockwell? Will he slither in and be all skeevy and delightful? Like Charlie's Angels, where he was my favorite part (except for Crispin 'I am frightening AND arousing' Glover, or Matchstick Men, which was the best movie you haven't seen (besides of course Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, which featured - aha! - Robert Downey, Jr. SEE HOW CONNECTED EVERYTHING IS?) but at least Don Cheadle is there and looks good in a suit.

Animals
* I don't know what is worse: That this thing freaking exists and can be bought, for money. (It is RIDICULOUS AND STUPID. No hamster needs this. No ANIMAL needs this):

[Found at LikeCool]
Or that I really want to buy one in blue, and a hamster, and name it Ianto, and pamper it and smother it with love, until it inevitably dies, as hamsters are wont to do, and I will hold its little body and scream, 'NOOOOOOO!' up at the heavens, and my friends and family will back away slowly, and my therapy bills will be just ASTRONOMICAL. Who wants to go to the pet store?

Apocalypse How?
* Happy Monday, we're all going to die!
So this dude he had the hiccups, right? They're totally annoying. And he's 25 and a musician, so they're SUPER annoying. But instead of going away, they continued on and on. For two years. Constantly. And he had no idea why, but it probably ruined his social life, because after a while you don't want to be NEAR someone with hiccups. He tried everything, but they wouldn't go away. Then he finally said, 'Screw it, I'm off to the doctor to deal with these sodding hiccups,' So he went, and it turned out that it was good news bad news: Good news, we think we know why you have permanent hiccups. Bad news, it's a brain tumor. So hiccups, sleep, and soda can kill you, and we're all doomed forever, the end.

TwiHate
* This was sent to be my reader and personal guru GeohMetro. Ge Oh's a genius and has an ass-kicking blog, so it would be terribly rude of me not to post this. I take no pleasure in doing it:

BAHAHA- I mean, terrible. A poo joke? How inappropriate. And tasteless. Like everything Stephenie Meyers writes ZING.

OK, stuff now.
- LV

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Bruce Campbell Is The Reason Why Waldo Is Hiding.

Blog
* And when the new movie comes out, it will end in a grisly bloodbath.

People I Love
* My dear internet friend (that sounds weirder than it is) laroux74 sent me this, because she has magical powers and is benevolent and knows things the rest of us can't possibly comprehend:

see more Lol Celebs
Also, SYLAR KITTY.

Remake!Fail
* An American Werewolf in London was a great, fun, scary movie that more people should watch and appreciate. An American Werewolf in Paris was a terrible, confusing movie that was neither funny nor scary, and had slimy werewolves. So forgive me if taking ANOTHER stab at remaking an underrated horror movie does not fill me with unmitigated glee. And it's the company made those Halloween remakes, and you KNOW how I feel about them (hint: it begins with an 'h' and ends with an 'omicidal.'

Star Trek
* I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. But if I had to see this, you have to see it too. I can't be alone in this knowledge, people. This is on par with the horror of Watchwomen. Yes, it's like that. Gird your loins:

Oh, Spock, WHY?!

TeeVee
* I love Torchwood, and I have so many questions about this image from the "Children of Earth" miniseries:

[Found at i09]
- Why is Gwen wearing such an ill-fitting leather jacket?
- Why is nobody looking at anybody else? Did someone fart, and they're all desperately trying not to laugh? Was there an uncomfortable sexual moment seconds before this photo was snapped?
- Why is Ianto's gun so much bigger than anyone else's?
- Why does Ianto look so damn sad? Really, that is a surly little fellow. And if I had gotten the sexings from Captain Jack Harkness, I would never do anything but grin. Does Ianto need a hug?
- Why does Captain Jack continue to prove my theory that guys named Captain Jack are invariably sexy rogues?
It's too early for such questions.

Random
* Is CNN's slogan really, 'Let's go?' ARE YOU SERIOUS? That's the BEST your marketing gurus could come up with? Really? I miss MSNBC. At least then I could count on Pat Buchanan to scream at someone until they gave him a mug of cocoa and a nap.

Journalism
* I use the term 'journalism' loosely when it comes to Bill O'Reilly, but this blog needs to salute Joan Walsh, who made O'Reilly go crazy and lose his shit while she casually pwned him with her rational thought and common sense. Watch the video and laugh at the sad little man. Remember when he sexually harassed that woman? That has nothing to do with anything, but I like to remind people that O'Reilly has NO moral compass. Or if he does, it always points to BATSHIT.

Wow - New Category!
* This category will cover things that amaze/astonish, and in a good way:

[Found at Gawker]
That is the new Sear's Tower observation deck, and I can't decide if I want to live there forever or stay the hell away, because I do have a rational fear of plummeting to my hideous death. But Gawker mentioned Chris Van Allsburg, and that always makes me happy (and if you don't know who he is, I hate you, and you'd better goddamn click here to find out), and I feel like if I went there inspiration for a great book would come right before abject, pants-wetting fear.

Geek Want
* Let me make myself very, very clear here:

[Found at BoingBoing]
If you can make one of these functional, and can find an old copy of Street Fighter, I will marry you. Note: LV reserves the right to not marry you if she doesn't feel like it.

Politics
* Right wing nutjobs (not to be confused with Republicans or conservatives - I am talking about the people who believe Jesus rode the dinosaurs to Freedom before sending them all to hell, and will try to convince you of this with his AK-47) are going to kill us all with their violence and nuttiness. I'd like to say that I'm against killing in general. Except of zombies, because they're already dead. It's one thing to disagree with someone else, or hate the way they live their life. That's FINE. That's your right. However, when you decide to start SHOOTING people who disagree with you, then maybe you need to reexamine your debating skills.

Movie!Fail - Newish Category
* I'm dividing up movies, because I like talking about them. Anyway, once again we will be denied the genius of Terry Gilliam, because we don't deserve it, but mostly because studio executives are assholes who would rather spend money on Saw XIX than a potentially brilliant science fiction film. We get what we deserve. BUT I DESERVE THIS MOVIE, DAMMIT. So let's all send Terry Gilliam money, because he's Terry Gilliam and he made Brazil and Twelve Monkeys and I love him, and I even liked The Brothers Grimm, in large part because it was Terry Gilliam with Matt Damon and Heath Ledger, and it was the first Gilliam movie I ever saw in theaters, and god dammit, the man should get Michael Bay's budget from now on, because Terry Gilliam may frighten and disturb me, but such is the cost of genius.

Harry Potter
* Who wants Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince merchandise? If your answer was not I DO I DO and screaming and tearing of the hair, then don't click this link. And why is an audio book of Alan Rickman coldly mocking everything I say NOT one of the prizes? Probably because it only exists in my mind, but wouldn't you pay for that? I would. It's all about Snape. Don't kid yourself. I wouldn't give a shit about this series (probably) were it not for that complex and incredibly sad character. TEAM SNAPE. I want all this stuff.

WTF, INTERNET?
* Did I ever tell you guys the story about how I got kicked out of CCD (the after-school program where you learn about stuff so you can get communion and confirmation within the Catholic Church) because I refused to give up my Ouija board when I was a young lass? Because I knew it was nothing more than a funny, stupid game, and I found it insane that anyone would take it seriously? Well, if it had looked like this, I don't think I would have had a problem:

[Found at Jezebel]
If I die (ever) and become a ghost, and some little bitch tries to get in touch with my with that Pepto-Bismol colored, sexist piece of crap to ask me if the love of her life this week is going to text her, I will haunt the SHIT out of her. Only dark spirits can come from such a thing. And, seriously, WTF? Why does it have to be pink? Do mine girly eyes on see the more delicate shades? The ones I used in middle school were white, and I saw them JUST FINE. You buy this for a little girl, you're going to wake up with hunks of it jammed down your throat. By the girl, or the evil spirits. It's a toss-up.

Daily Hot Guy

[Christopher Eccleston with the TARDIS, and he's STILL my favorite Doctor, OK?! He was taken from us far too soon, and his eyes are AMAZING and he's sad and sexy, and why can't he appear on a special, DAMMIT?]

Movie!Win - Newish Category
* Look, I like categories. And FOCUS: There might be a Goonies 2, maybe, although I'm still more interested in Lost Boys 3, and YES I love Corey Feldman, always have, and no that does not negatively affect my life, you're all just jealous. Of something. What? I'm sorry, someone switched out my coffee to something with extra espresso. The air is loud in here. GOONIES 2.

Animals
* Can birds fart? Yes. Yes they can. Dinosaurs could burp and fart too. I learned that from Nickelodeon Magazine, before the recession killed it.

More later, most likely. I know I write that almost every morning, but I'm on a surprise vacation. Be grateful. By the way, this blog must soon celebrate the birth of the late Hunter Stockton Thompson. How should we do that? My friend suggested a third tattoo, but those are expensive and I STILL can't decide on a nice image, but we have to honor him SOME WAY. He's A GOD, PEOPLE. Or I could get drunk and shoot of fireworks. In a bikini. He'd appreciate that, yeah?
- LV

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Mom After All These Years God’s Not Going To Take A Call From You.

Blog
* Title is from Arrested Development. God hangs up on the Bluths.

Movies
* There is absolutely NO REASON to make a movie out of Where's Waldo, There is NONE. I challenge you to find one. There's no real plot, and if they cast Will Ferrell the sun will be swallowed into the ocean. This is almost as bad as Bazooka Joe: The Movie. Hollywood is out to wreck my brain.

Books
* A little girl's uterus will prevent her from enjoying fire, monsters, explosions, or anything fun at all. These Doodle Books have shown me the truth of my gender, and how I really just should like cleaning myself hysterically and dancing, even though when I dance I look like Elaine in Seinfeld and people worry I'm seizing. I'm sorry I was wrong about everything I ever liked. I will immediately start bathing five to six times a day and take up needlework. (And yes, I do knit and I like knitting a lot, but that's not the POINT. I can like knitting AND explosions. I am a creature of mystery, dammit.)

People I Love
* This guy is AWESOME:

[Found at UniqueDaily]
I want to marry him and have little somersaulting BABIES and be happy and somersault from helicopters at our wedding. It will be GLORIOUS. You are all invited.

Remake!Fail
* Teen Wolf should not be remade. I don't know how much clearer I can be. Michael J. Fox cannot be imitated or replaced. His goodness and adorable come along so rarely, why would anyone try to undermine that? FOR SHAME.

Star Trek
* This is going to be the cake at my imaginary wedding to Zachary Quinto:

[Found at Neatorama]
And we will ride in on black unicorns and he will do the Vulcan Nerve Pinch on my ex-boyfriend, and I will win the lottery, and then I wake up and cry because life is not NEARLY that awesome. Here are more cakes of Trekdom, including a massively scary Captain Picard cake.

TeeVee
* V is going to be the best show on TV, except of course for Heroes, True Blood, House, Human Target, Glee, 30 Rock, The Colbert Report, The Daily Show, Doctor Who, Torchwood...

Journalism
* This video of Sean Hannity and Sarah Palin talking in the woods feels like a deleted scene from a really bad horror/porno movie:

Tell me it doesn't seem that way. Look me in the eye and tell me you don't expect a serial killer to jump out and slash while Ms. Palin runs naked through the woods. It's like Evil Dead, only AWFUL and sad instead of funny, and everyone you love dies, the end.

Geek Want
* This is a motorized pool chair:

[Found at LikeCool]
I want this. My parents have a pool, which I rarely go into. This way I could sit in my seat and motor around the pool, sipping a martini (dirty with extra olives) and dictating the execution of my enemies by my sexy minions. What? WHAT? It's raining and gross, and I want some sexy minions. They could go to the grocery store for seltzer. I need some. But in reference to the chair, can it electrocute you? Because pathological laziness is a really awkward cause of death.

Politics
* Bill O'Reilly is a filthy, unabashed liar and spinner of false bullshit, and doesn't even have the courage to stand behind his asinine and offensive belief system. In other news, the sky is blue.

WTF, INTERNET?
* Part of the reason I am so delighted to be a female is that when I am turned on, I can keep it a secret. It is nobody's business but mine and my filthy little mind. Now there are people out to destroy my privacy. This bra I am about to show you pushes up your boobs in conjunction with how aroused you are:

[Found at Jezebel]
I imagine that if I met Russell Brand the bra would explode. That could be entertaining, at least until the paramedics showed up.

Zombies
* When I am rich, I will blow up this poster, and it will be one full wall of my old spooky farmhouse:

[Found at BoingBoing]
Or maybe not. It might not go with the decor. But I want it, regardless. They're such cute zombies! And I never thought I'd say that.

Animals
* Baby pandas are tiny! Tiny animals are inherently cuter. It's in the Bible. And it's WHITE. Like a Dalmatian, before Cruelle De Ville shows up to buy them all to make a fur coat, and I CRIED because I thought she would hurt the wee puppies. Here's the panda:

[Found at ChinaDaily]
I want to feed it bamboo. Can pandas become infected by the zombie virus? Why are there no zombie pandas? HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE?

Daily Hot Guy

[Christopher Eccleston, master of facial hair, who CONTINUES to play games with my emotions by insisting on being in SHIT MOVIES, and what the hell happened to New Orleans, Mon Amour? DO I REALLY HAVE TO GO SEE GI JOE FOR YOU?]

Ads
* It's Saturday, and I hate weekends, on principal, so here is a truly disturbing ad about safe sex:

[Found at SociologicalImages]
I'm not insane about this, though. The ad makes me cringe, as a girl who does not want spiders or crawly things ANYWHERE NEAR my unmentionables. But I'm not like crying or throwing up or putting on multiple pairs of underwear. If it was a Daddy Long-Legs, I'd be catatonic. But anyway, this does not say anything to me about Safe Sex. It says, 'Hire an exterminator, and maybe buy more bug spray.' More images of creepy inappropriateness can be found here.

Apocalypse How?
* This isn't really the end of the world, but for me it could be. I dislike flying. I really, really do. I have flown all over the country, and to Europe, and I love traveling, but I spend most of my time airborne either weeping like a small child or drinking everything that might make me stop crying. I know the statistics, and that it's more dangerous to drive a car, but a car won't suddenly EXPLODE AND PLUMMET TO THE EARTH IN A HOWLING RAIN OF FIRE AND DEATH, unless you're driving a Yaris. The Air France thing only bugs me as a flier because they don't quite know WHY the plane broke. Or where it went. But I do try to be at least slightly reasonable about flying, because I love going to new places. This story about the pilot dropping dead during a flight does not help me. And they were flying to Jersey. DO YOU SEE THE IMPLICATIONS? And don't tell me that the plane landed just fine, and that there was another pilot. I've seen Turbulence. I KNOW how things are. Mamma didn't raise no fool.

More later, if I have time. Family stuff, then fun in the city, despite the NEVERENDING RAIN, which I am FINE WITH. Sunlight is overrated. Just ask the dudes on True Blood. And they are attractive and fictional, so they MUST be right.
- LV

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Bruce Campbell Can Do A Wheelie On A Unicycle.

Blog
* Bruce Campbell did not do a wheelie on a unicycle during last night's season premiere of Burn Notice, but only because he did not want to lower Michael's self esteem, and was far too busy teaching me lessons of courage, self-worth, & mango mojitos.

Freakangels Friday
* And once again, Friday has a purpose in my life! It has gotten to the point where I just hope Karl ISN'T in a chapter, because I want him to live forever in his garden with his little hat, chatting with his strawberries. Mr. Warren Ellis, PLEASE let Karl live? Per usual, I will post spoilers after my signature at the bottom of this entry, and WAIT until I finish blogging to read it. I'm like Jesus, on a girl with a computer and coffee all over her sweatshirt.

Geek Want
* This is especially brilliant for those of us who have lived in major cities, or had to utilize subway systems on rainy days:

[Found at LikeCool]
You pull the little string, and the umbrella bends down so as not to stab strangers with those pointy bits! Plus, if you're in a rush you can hold the string and use the umbrella to barge through crowds like a RAIN BULLET. Or, if someone is pissing you off, you can hold the string, sidle up beside them, and accidentally let go of the string, stabbing them with the pointy bit. 'Oh, sorry about your eye. Guess you shouldn't be going through every ringtone on your goddamn cell-phone while we're all stuck together on the subway, yeah? Stop crying, you only need one eye to text message.'

Furniture
* My furniture is ALIVE:

[Found at DVICE]
Or, you know, it would be if I owned this chair, instead of stupid dead chairs. Eventually, skinny people can sit directly on these trees without the aid of the plastic covering, but frankly everyone I know who has spent extensive time sitting in trees is a little tweaked. Yes, I know people who have spent years sitting in trees. No, I don't want to talk about it.

Politics
* I don't really have an special problem with Ralph Nader, but this whole article is too funny not to share.
* I really despise Bill O'Reilly on an almost visceral level, so it pleases me that he knows nothing of the internet, while alarming me that this article discusses his junk.
* Does Tom Tancredo understand why referring to ANY group as the 'Latino KKK without the hoods and without the nooses' will go down in history as one of the worst ideas ever? Who wants to sit Tommy down and have a little chat?

Apocalypse How?
* Have you seen the Will Smith movie Seven Pounds? I hope not, because it was terrible and I despise Will Smith and want him to go away and spend hours lying on top of a mirror admiring himself, and stop making terrible, terrible movies in a desperate bid for an Oscar that he will probably get one day, because a lot of people inexplicably love him, which would be FINE if he didn't have to send his spawn out to ruin the fucking Karate Kid movies.
I do have a point. I brought up Seven Pounds because it featured Death By Jellyfish, which is funny as shit, and this is a giant jellyfish crop-circle, so obviously Will Smith is calling to the mother planet because Seven Pounds didn't get him an Oscar, and Earth must now be destroyed, so we will all die because Will Smith makes bad movie choices, The End.


Daily Hot Guy

[Christopher Eccleston as Claude Rains in Heroes, with the love of his life, pigeon, and proving that I have a serious thing for hobos]
[Note: If you have any Daily Hot Guy requests, please Email me at elle.veev@gmail.com. I will be happy to comply. Otherwise, expect more of the fellows we've already featured, because I am not creative.]

Doctor Who
* The new Doctor Who titles will feature the ginormous floating head of Eleven! But it will only be acceptable if the giant head winks, then spins around crazy-like while spewing pea soup everywhere. I want Doctor Who to go in a WHOLE NEW direction.

WTF, INTERNET?
* This product makes me want to beat the everloving shit out of anyone ass enough to buy it. I want to punch this kid in his happy, innocent little head:

[Found at LikeCool]
It's a solar-powered personal fan that clips to your hat. What tofu-eating lunatic would force their corn-fed, cow-loving spawn to don such a thing. Also that hat is just ridiculous on its own. Also the kid has one pierced ear. I cannot in good conscience endorse any product that appeals to such a twisted demographic.

Zombies
* This article states that some guy was arrested for having too good of a zombie costume. Obviously that is insane, and he was an actual zombie, only these cops were too dense to notice. The interview is clearly forged, by the government, to hide the growing Zombie Menace. TELL US THE TRUTH, GOVERNMENT PEOPLE FROM THE GOVERNMENT. WE NEED TO ARM OURSELVES. Plus, who dresses up as a Resident Evil zombie? Unless they meant from the games, not the movies. Big difference.

Animals
* See, this is the sort of thing that makes me want to run screaming into the night, only not the night, because they LIKE the dark. Let's try that again. This is the sort of thing that makes me want to live in a plastic bubble far away from anything living except my dog and Russell Brand, who will also provide me with snacks and sweet loving:

[Found at BoingBoing]
It doesn't matter if they're real or not. The mere possibility that they COULD, potentially, exist, is enough to shatter the psyche of the most well-adjusted young woman. And yes, I KNOW earth worms are harmless creatures who are blind and poop out good soil, because I read James & the Giant Peach as a child. They also dislike centipedes, whom they find obnoxious. The bottom line is, these things are way too big. Imagine getting up in the dead of night to use the bathroom, and stepping on one. IMAGINE THAT. I'll wait. Scarred yet? OK, how about sleeping in bed and waking up with one pressing down on your chest?! Nature is disgusting. Stay away from me.
- LV

SPOILERS FOR FREAKANGELS BELOW
* Huzzah! Karl has not yet died tragically. Because, once again, he is not in it. I am FINE with this, because I can imagine him arguing with his strawberries and humming to himself, happy in his own private Plant World. Also I do not much fancy him being anywhere near Crazy Sword Slasher Man, or Kait, for that matter. Kait has some issues. Scary, scary issues. But yay to mindless slaughter and murder mysteries! Oh, FREAKANGELS, my heart is yours.

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The Only Thing That Alan Moore Didn't Create Is God. Whether Or Not God Created Moore Is Still Debatable.

Technology
* I can't decide if this makes me very happy or very sad:

[Found at BoingBoing]
I mean, they're VHS! We've spot on them and rejected them and negated their very existence. They used to be the source of movies and TV and entertainment. And now we're using them as furniture? On the other hand, it's a pretty cool table.

Star Trek
* Here's an article on the fashion of Star Trek. Which, if they change AT ALL, I will cry and scream and start a political group to protest the change, because I think they're sexy, OK?

Dollhouse
* And here we have another article on the resurrection of Dollhouse. I kind of wish it would have moved to a less awful day. Plus, a fond farewell to Sarah Connor, and its endless Monologuing.

TeeVee
* Or maybe the monologuing will continue, in DVD form? Sarah Connor emerging from the ashes would be terribly appropriate. And maybe it will continue to exist on DVDs, and that's how I end up watching most TV shows anyway, so I'd be lying if I said I'd notice right away.

Health
* Coffee and booze make everything better. Scientists proved it. Fuck everyone, I won. I'm right! I'ma celebrate by smoking a pack of cigarettes, drinking a bottle of Sobieski, and chasing it with a gallon of Columbian coffee. Then I'ma going to work.

Alcohol
* Speaking of how alcohol makes you live forever, here's a nifty tool that ensures you enjoy the medical aspects of booze without the embarrassing 'I don't know where my underwear are officer, but I'd sure appreciate you getting me down from this lamppost' aspect:

[Found at LikeCool]
Of course, this doesn't take into account anything besides wine, or the fact that I'm such a lightweight that looking at a bottle of good booze can cause me to black out. Good idea, though.

Geek Want
* Dude, consider my mind blown:

[Found at LikeCool]
It's a CLOCK made of CLOCKS. It's clocks SQUARED. It is the alpha and omega of clock-ness. Salvador Dali would SHIT himself.

Sherlock Holmes
* The first trailer may have caused several extreme physical and emotional reactions:

I can't really talk about it without DID YOU SEE HIS SUNGLASSES AND HIS PIPE AND HIS HAT OF SEX? AND HE WAS SHIRTLESS AND SWEATY AND HANDCUFFED TO THE BED SWEET JESUS' DONUTS MAKE THE MOVIE BE IN THEATERS NOW.
I'm mildly interested in seeing this film.

FAIL
* Guys I forgot to put on my survey:
- Alan Tudyk
- Robert Downey, Jr.

Twitter
* This toilet Twitters whenever you flush:

[Found at Geekologie]
I think we can all agree that we're done discussing toilets on this blog forever, now.

Daily Hot Guy
* If you have any suggestions/requests for this section, PLEASE message/Tweet/Email me. I promise to include guys beyond my own crazy attractions (I know, for example, that most people don't GET my Tarantino attraction. Fools.) but only if you TELL ME. OK. Hot guy, now:

[Christopher Eccleston, bringing the sexy from the North]

WTF, INTERNET?
* This couch is all cool and edgy and a great conversation starter until A) you try to watch TV on it and keep getting vertigo:

[Found at UniqueDaily]
or B) you get stoned off your ass, try to ski down your couch, and end up in your neighbors' living room. AWKWARD.
- LV

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I Am A Cranky Little Monkey

I've just been feeling crappy and cranky all weekend, which was not a lot of fun for my long-suffering friends. They were very understanding of my inexplicable shittiness, despite the fact that I wanted to punch myself more than once. Oh well, I'll blame it on the weather. Damn global warming!

* CRACKER: Such a good show. British crime shows kick American crime shows in their tiny little nuts. But it's a liitle weird for me to see Robbie Coltrane curse, smoke, drink, and fuck. I mean, he's Hagrid from HARRY POTTER. He is the epitome of good-natured innocence. He's also frigging tiny, but then again in comparison to his obscene tallness in HARRY POTTER, anyone would seem petite. I could probably bite him on the kneecap if I stood on my toes. And Christopher Eccelston! OMFGWTFBBQ! And such. He's brilliant, and so young. OK, here's a SPOILER, so don't read this if for some reason you haven't seen the show, and want to. OK? SPOILER. So don't get pissy if I ruin something for you. Go to the next bit. Anyway, for those few still reading, his death scene is the most heartbreaking thing ever. It's so long, and physically painful to watch. I covered my eyes and had to force myself to watch. And of course Robert Carlyle is the one who did him in. Interesting side-note: Eccleston was in 28 DAYS LATER..., and Carlyle was in 28 WEEKS LATER... Maybe I'm the only one who finds that interesting.

* RESCUE DAWN: Werner Herzog for president. Seriously. He would save people from car crashes, dodge bullets, and make ass-kicking movies, all while bringing about world peace. He'd get my vote. That being said, my favorite characters ALWAYS die. Always. Forever. Why am I drawn to people who are doomed? This seems like something I should discuss in therapy, or possibly in a nice padded room away from sharp objects.

* I bought a shitload of books this week, because we got that huge glorious discount at work. I bought David Thewlis' book, pretty much solely because he was a genius in NAKED and the HARRY POTTER films. I also bought BROTHER ODD, and another book whose title is too long for me to remember.

* It was SANTA CON yesterday. Hundreds of people dressed up as Saint Nick, drinking and yelling all fucking day. I saw a lot of very confused children, and some truly spectacular vomiting. Olympic-quality hurling. The holidays are indeed magical.

That's all for now. I'm still in a bad mood, and I think that falling asleep [relatively] early while watching IRON CHEF may be the cure.

May Santa not ralph on your shoes.
- LV

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I'm Falling Behind In The Race Of Life!

What the fuck? I was innocently checking out technorati.com, and my humble blog has fallen! Tremendously! I went from 2,515,283 to fucking 2,910,025! How could I have allowed the quality of my work to fall so far?! Come on, guys, I know people are reading this - the counter at the bottom doesn't lie. It DOESN'T, man! So go to this website: My Technorati Website and favorite me, or add me, or do something to increase my frankly pathetic numbers. Otherwise I'll find disgusting things on th internet and horrify you into a coma.

In other news, I was sick yesterday and vomited. The good news is that I got to miss work, and spent the day lying in the fetal position watching BLACKADDER and THE THIN MAN and reading LIFE WITH JEEVES. Incidentally, the last episode of BLACKADDER was so sad that I nearly cried. I couldn't, of course, because my friend Kay was over doing homework, and she didn't need me weeping in the corner while she tried to write a paper. So I restrained myself.

I'm going to see MADAMA BUTTERFLY with my parents tonight. I'm pretty excited - I've never been to the opera. It will be a nice contrast to the usual cultural dregs I immerse myself in.

I am getting a bit desperate to find a new job. Anything that isn't in retail.

And as for my 'book' (right now it's a collection of rants, much like this), I'm not sure how far from my real life I should go. Should Christopher Eccleston show up suddenly and be my love interest? Should I grow a foot (in height, not an extra appendage)? Should I solve crime? Right now it's pretty much real life. But real life is boring and depressing and kind of sucks. So I'm not sure. The dieting aspect has to be true, otherwise what's the fucking point? But everything else could, theoretically, come straight from the twisted hallways of my mind. Thoughts?

I need to finish getting ready for the opera. I suspect my V FOR VENDETTA T-Shirt would be frowned upon. Philistines.
- LV

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My Cell Phone Is A Crappy Piece Of Crap

Today was one of the rare days where I was industrious and fantastic. You should all be very proud.

I caulked my apartment tonight! Or rather, my wonderful friend Kay caulked my apartment, and I smoothed it with the nifty fun smoother thing. We didn't get to finish, unfortunately, because we ran out of caulking stuff. [Note: Kay says 'caulk' like a normal person, stressing the 'elle' sound. I say caulk the way a person from Boston would refer to the male reproductive organ.]

I have the work orientation thing tomorrow. Nine to five. Learning codes and shit so I can work the computers. I'm quite nervous, and don't really want to go. I dealt with this by bouncing off the walls all night like a cat on crack and giggling in a very unnerving way as I looked at pictures of Hugh Laurie, while my long-suffering friends Kay and Esse tried to watch West Wing.

My sleep schedule has been permanently fucked up by sitting up all night convinced the roach army is going to carry me away to their underground lair and crawl on me. I have trouble falling asleep, and even more getting up. I should be asleep right now. Then I might have a chance in HELL of getting up when I'm supposed to tomorrow. And since I can't/don't drink coffee anymore, I'll be dragging my sorry carcass around all day. Then I'll probably see my manager, who I think is totally adorable, and say something/stupid/incoherent/frightening, and not only will I be fired, but a nice, cute guy will think I'm a very weird girl.

Finished season one of Heroes. I want Christopher fucking Eccleston to come back. WHY does he only go on shows for a season, make me fall in love with him, then VANISH?! Plus, he was only in five episodes of Heroes. And now he's doing that fucking kid's movie, The Seeker. He makes me sad sometimes. Anyone know anything about New Orleans, Mon Amour?

Hunter S. Thompson was on the cover of Rolling Stone. My dad sent me a copy, which was tragically the highlight of my day. It's really, really good shit. And there are all these books about him coming out! Which I can't afford right now, so it's actually a depressing statement that in no way deserves an exclamation point.

I downloaded the new Foo Fighters album today. Haven't listened yet. Hopefully it won't suck.

This caulk had better keep the roaches out.
- LV

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Heroes Heroes Heroes - A New Fixation For The Girl Who Already Has Way Too Many [And Some Other Stuff Too]

Why the fuck am I still awake? This is obscene. I came home specifically to go to bed EARLY. I start my job next week. The stock of the evil corporation I'll be working for will sharply decline if people start finding drool on their books. Unless they like that, but that would be gross and disturbing.

Anyway. I know I'm late to the game [I always fall in love with TV shows after the fact, since I only recently got TV], but Heroes. Damn. I just cried like a baby. Granted, it's late and I'm a bit loopy, but that in no way detracts from the awesomeness of the show.

I do have one issue: there are so many fucking characters on this show that you can go a whole episode or two without seeing your favorite character. At all. Also, if you miss one episode, you are fucked for the rest of the series, which is probably why the network opted to show episodes on their website. I missed the season premiere, which is OK since I'm still finishing up season one. But seriously. I am a convert. I apologize for ever doubting the amazing glory of this show. Everyone else was right.

Oh, and WHAT THE FUCK? The DOCTOR is on on Heroes? Those of you who don't watch Doctor Who and therefore probably think I'm having some sort of episode, feel free to skip to the next paragraph. The rest of you, WHAT THE FUCK?! Christopher Eccleston, a man I have lusted after ever since fucking Shallow Grave, was on Heroes?! WHY was I not informed of this fact? And why do I feel like someone told me, I flipped out, then completely forgot? The DOCTOR was on AMERICAN TV? And, most importantly, WHERE DID HE GO? Will he be in Season Two? Nine is STILL the bestest Doctor ever, even though I like Ten very much. And all of them, actually. I'm digressing big time. And delving into levels of creepy fandom that alarm even me, so let's move on.

They filmed a scene from the new Sex & The City movie right by where I live. Which is pretty cool - or would be, if my former roommate hadn't watched that show so often that I can probably never watch an episode again.

It's so hot in New York. Global warming is fucking with my favorite season. Now it's personal. And now I don't care again.

Tyra Banks is insane. My least favorite girl was kicked off America's Next Top Model tonight [don't judge me - it's a guilty pleasure and I am fine with that], and I was a bit too maliciously gleeful. She was evil. At one point I screamed at the TV, "You took an elephant pill of Prozac rectally for breakfast!" She was aggressively perky.

Flashdance was as bad as I thought it would be. My dear friend Kay made me watch it for the first time tonight, and my eyes are still bleeding a bit. This film was brought to us by two of the most mysogynistic men in Hollywood. Did they spit on Jennifer Beals between scenes?

And finally, why the everloving fuck is Donald Trump being interviewed about potential presidential candidates? Not only is he an unmitigated ass with epically bad hair, but more importantly he has no idea what the fuck he's talking about. Which is fine. Nobody does, and celebrities talk about politics all the time without annoying me too much. But this was on CNN for fuck's sake. It was a whole segment. That's a little, um, EXCESSIVE, don't you think? And for some reason everyone acts like he has a fucking clue. Like we should REGARD his opinion, because he's such a freaking intellectual. If he wants to spout is pretentious idiocy, that's totally fine. But don't treat him like his opinions have any more validity than the homeless crackhead who steals my garbage.

A man dressed up in a waffle outfit is on my TV. I think it's time to go to bed.
- LV

Edit: I was just shutting down my computer when I realized I have something like 87 pictures of Hunter S. Thompson on my computer. That's weird. But if it's wrong to have dozens of pictures of a crazed dead journalist who was older than your father when he died, then I don't want to be right.

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Day 15 Of Unemployment: Moving, Screaming, & The TARDIS

So. I'm in my new place. And I love it. I really, really do. It's small and cozy and old and entirely mine. I'm genuinely happy here.

The move was hellacious. Just hours and hours of unpacking and rearranging and moving and stress. I've decided that Hell, is in fact not a place; it is simply the constant act of moving. Packing and unpacking, never stationary. That's Hell.

And roaches.

Yes, I, ElleVee, finally saw a New York roach.

I mean, I've seen them before. Never when I lived in the dorms in Chelsea. Which, considering the level of decay and refuse, is pretty remarkable. When I was in the dorms in the Financial District, we had a few. But I had a clever solution. I would kill them with my roommates' shoes, control my gag reflex, then cover them with a piece of paper towel. My roommate would thank me by waking me up with her screams.

As for the most recent place, Roommate probably ate all the roaches that dared enter our home. But I'm terrified of bugs. Absolutely. I don't mind rats, or snakes, or closed spaces, or heights. I hate planes, and bugs. Roaches on a plane is like my ultimate horror movie. That's what would sell the fucking tickets for me. Of course, I could never leave the house, but that's neither here nor there.

Anyway. My first roach. My first unassisted, New York roach. And believe me, that fucker was BIG. I measured it from a safe distance as I cowered, shrieking in the corner. It was around two inches. so tomorrow I'm going to K-Mart, and I'm going to buy out the collection of bug sprays and traps. I don't care if the chemicals make me grow another fucking head. Both heads will be bug-free.

Moving on to less crawly matters, I finally swallowed my crazy anal behavior (can you even do that? I mean, it's a play on the phrase, 'swallow your pride,' but can you do THAT either? I always imagines pride to be located in the stomach.), and watched series two of Doctor Who. After the regeneration of Nine, I was understandably devastated. Then again, I have cried - really cried - at each of the Doctor's regenerations. Because I have serious problems. It's the same mood that sometimes strikes me and makes me sob because House has a limp, or because some fictional character has a terminal disease or emotional problem. And even though I heard the Tenth Doctor was/is brilliant, I wasn't quite ready.

But today, I was. And I'm happy I did. Ten, while he will never be my favorite, has performed brilliantly so far. He has even managed to make me cry. Non-Doctor Who fans will have no idea what the fuck I am talking about here. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Doctor Who is on the list of TV shows that must be watched. Must.

The episode that made me cry, if anyone cares, is the one where Sarah Jane Smith returns. It's devastating on about ten (haha!) levels. Their final goodbye - particularly his last line - broke my heart more than a fictional character should be able to.

David Tennant is perfect. I hate to admit it, but he is. He's not the pretty-boy dork I feared he would be. He really does channel some of the Fourth Doctor, who was the most popular one ever. But he inarguably has caught some of Nine's crazy. And he references his previous incarnation often. And he has to act like a total dick a lot of the time, yet still be endearing and lonely and tortured. And, you know, an alien. Which is much harder than one might imagine. So I'm happy.

I mean, Nine got the shaft in a big way - he was a one-season Doctor, and had to basically be a severely damaged alien alone in the universe. But Ten is dealing with his own pile of shit. And angst. I really need series three to come out.

I will say, though, this incarnation of the Doctor gets some serious ASS. Well, as much ass as the Doctor ever gets. You can't really show alien sex. More like this Doctor has gotten kissed more than any other. Actually, if the Doctor DID have sex, I would probably need serious therapy, along with a large portion of England. And the BBC wouldn't want to spend that sort of money. I maintain that Nine was hotter, though. Then again, I found the Second Doctor attractive in a geeky way, so maybe I'm an unreliable source.

I'm watching the show as I type, and this season has some beautiful moments. And I doubt you all want me to narrate a show none of you are currently watching, and many of you have never even seen. Assholes. You guys fail at life. F minus. Now leave me to my alien. The Doctor and I are in love. After all, he's in the top five. And that is a hard list to break into.

May you go out and watch Doctor Who. And if you don't, may all the roaches in the universe go to your home, and STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.
- LV

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