Bruce Campbell Doesn't Use Pickup Lines. He Simply Says, 'Now.'

Blog
* And you say, 'Yes sir, absolutely.'

Life
* I really fucking dislike any day that requires me to interact in close quarters with people I am biologically affiliated with. Erm, Happy Fourth of July? I may go into the nearby town and laugh at the teabaggers. For shits and giggles.

Comics
* Chuck Dillon has drawn twenty types of art school students. I went to school with a lot of these people:

[Found at Neatorama]
And we all know that the True Gods are Alan Moore, Hunter S. Thompson, and.... I don't know. The third member of the trinity rotates, depending on my mood. Joss Whedon? Terry Pratchett? Martin Scorcese? Jimi Hendrix? Why are there no female gods? Hm. Warrants some serious thought, doesn't it?

Moment of Win

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YouTube Wonders
* I KNOW you've all seen this, but it NEVER STOPS BEING FUNNY. I've tried to kill the humor. THERE IS NO WAY. So, Enjoy.


Books
* Never let me into the seven most impressive libraries in the world. Because the following conversation will take place, in one form or another:
'Well, Miss LV, what do you think- Give them back.'
'It's a lovely library! Really, very nice. What?'
'You've got books stuffed into your shirt and pants.'
'How DARE you? I'm just enormously fat. You didn't notice when I came in.'
'Your fat is book-shaped?'
'Yes, and actually I'm quite sensitive about my book-shaped fat.'
'A first-edition dickens just fell out of your shirt.'
'I have to go to the bathroom.'
'I'm calling the police.'
'Yes, well, I'll be running away now. Slowly. With my enormous pile of book-fat.'

Vampires
* In case you're bored with vampires from the past or present, here are future space vampires! OMFGWTFBBQ! My vampires are not from the future. Or space. They're from New Jersey. Make whatever jokes you must. Cretins.

People I Love
* This is the reason I love Russell Brand:

[Found at Jezebel]
I would marry him. Inevitably our love would sour and we'd end up on Inside Edition calling each other horrible names, but UNTIL that happened it would be glorious, sexy fun. What? It's Fourth of July. Thomas Jefferson would be PROUD, dammit. And Ben Franklin. You KNOW they were big pimpin'.

Depression Session
* Crabtree & Evelyn filed for bankruptcy. Oh, noes! Where will I buy overpriced, stinky candles, lotions, and soaps NOW? Oh, wait. Yankee Candles are still OK. And there's still a Sephora at the mall. America is safe, people.

Daily Hot Guy
* Since it's the Fourth of July, and I AM an American, despite what my grandparents scream at me from time to time, I've been looking through my folders to find an all-American DHG. And I have been FAILING. Apparently I have a serious weakness for accents. But there are a few. So, let us celebrate those All-American boys we love so much:

[Alan Tudyk, born in El Paso, Texas]

[Hunter S. Thompson, born in Louisville, Kentucky]

[Robert Downey, Jr. born in New York City]

[Jackie Earle Haley, born in Northridge, California]

[Zachary Quinto, born in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania]

[Bruce Campbell, born in all places at all times, eternal and GODLIKE, but mainly from Royal Oak, Michigan, land of KINGS]
Dry your eyes, and be proud to be an American.

Politics
* As I know you know, Sarah Palin is resigning from High Priestess of Batshit of Alaska, to, I don't know, eat David Letterman and sue someone, or something. Or plan to take over the White House, which scares the shit out of me. Also, she may be pregnant, according to Rick Sanchez, who maybe doesn't know what the hell is going on. Nobody knows. But her hair is very tossy and nice, so she's got that going for her. WHAT WILL AMERICA DO WITHOUT SARAH PALIN TO LAUGH AT? LOOK AT THE HUMOR SHE HAS BROUGHT US, PEOPLE:
- Remember when David Letterman made a stupid joke, and it wasn't very funny but nobody would have noticed, and Sarah Palin's head exploded, and she vowed bloody retribution because she DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THE JOKE and made it into some hideous political statement about how David Letterman thinks all girls should be impregnated by steroided-up baseball players, and tried to make it a Universal and Powerful Statement? Good times.
- Did you read about when she was jogging and she fell down and executed all the Secret Service dudes who saw her, and wants to run a foot race against Obama, because obviously THAT will prove who should be running the country, OH SNAP SEE WHAT I DID THERE? Ouch. That was physically painful to type.

* I mean, politics will just not be as entertaining without Crazy Palin. How many other politicians have pornos made about them? And Mark Sandford's scandal is BORING compared to people wearing diapers and breaking into airplanes, DAVID VITTER I AM LOOKING AT YOU. I mean, is this what we'll have to look forward to until Sarah Palin unveils her Evil Master Plan for World Dominance?

It's a video of a cheese replica of President Abraham Lincoln. On FOX News. The man ended slavery and united the country (and YES I KNOW THE POLITICAL HISTORY, thank you) and was shot trying to watch a stupid play. To thank him, you carved him out of cheddar cheese.
Is anyone else suddenly really, really depressed?

Most likely more later. Because this is America, where the bloggers can say whatever they want, until they get sued by Sarah Palin or Anne Rice or something.
- LV

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I'm Not Sure That One Made It Down The Mountain Gob.

Blog
* Title is from Arrested Development. It's funny that Gob went on to play a religious guru-type in Wristcutters. And by funny, I mean HOT.

Ad!Fail
* You have got to be shitting me:

[Found at BestWeekEver]
They're changing Pizza Hut's name, for monies. Who's idea is this? I tend to get irritated when companies change their names. Remember when Boston Market was Boston Chicken? I was PISSED. And 'The Hut' makes me think of Jabba, and I don't even LIKE Star Wars, and I'm not sure you want to think of Jabba licking Princess Leia when considering where to eat dinner. Also the food is shitty, and dammit, isn't the world crazy enough? Then again, I knew things were going downhill when they started stuffing pasta into pizza like crazed geneticists. Scary times.

Doctor Who
* This is one of my all-time favorite quotes about Doctor Who:

"Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to purée of bat guano; and the greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!"

And it was said by Harlan Ellison, who is a fierce and wonderful genius writer that you should all WORSHIP. With that sort of support, being nominated for a few awards is nice and appreciated, but ultimately secondary. Because, really, Doctor Who is like the Meryl Streep of science fiction series - when it DOESN'T win or get nominated, it's just being kind and letting the other shows have their moment to shine.

Inglourious Basterds
* See? I SPELLED IT THE WAY YOU SAID, QUENTIN. Here's another trailer:

I hate to say this, given my unhealthy and inexplicable love for Tarantino, but I kind of agree with the guy from Collider: On one hand, yes it looks awesome, and Nazi killing seems to be the fun activity for the month of August, if Brad Pitt continues to endorse it this way. On the other hand, I want to see more of the damn movie, not the same clips, and also is it just me or does Eli Roth look like a toolish Zachary Quinto? Because that is freaking me out. I'm still going to see it, naturally. Opening day. First showing. But I expect brilliant trailers from Quentin, and this doesn't reach the radness of the Bride's monologue:

How SCARY is Uma Thurman in this trailer? Seriously, I would burst into tears and apologize and beg for a swift death, because she is INTENSE. This made me curse and scream because I didn't want to wait for volume 2 of Kill Bill. The Inglourious Basterds trailer? "Ooh, Quentin made another movie. I shall go see it." Not quite as exciting.

Depression Session
* Rain barrels remind me of 28 Days Later... which was a kick-ass movie, in no small part because of the graffiti that said, 'The End Is Extremely Fucking Nigh" and I like to imagine that whoever wrote that was a distant relation of Rorschach and the movie had Christopher Eccleston, and maybe when the world economy collapses the zombies will rise around that time and we can all live out our lives like that movie, only hopefully the version where Cillian Murphy lives, because otherwise it's just sad, and you're left alone drinking water out of a rain barrel, which is sort of the opposite of cool.

Girly Shit
* In a battle of style, class, talent, and general awesome, Dita Von Teese will ALWAYS beat Beyonce Knowles:

[Found at FabSugar]
Really, pitting these two against each other is laughable, and probably embarrassing for Beyonce. The woman has no idea who she's dealing with, does she? Dita will be generous, though. Maybe she'll just blind the girl with her sequins.

Music
* Here's a really interesting analysis of Lady Gaga's 'Paparazzi' video, and what it says about women and violence. It's an intriguing take, even if I don't agree with all of it, and the video is what STARTED my insane love and admiration for Lady Pantsless, so give credit where it's due, I suppose. Also of interest to anyone who's ever done any sort of cultural/feminist studies.

Technology
* Awww, look at these cute cars! They look like the cars from the movie Cars:

[Found at DVICE]
Aren't they ADORABLE? And they're robotically controlled, to make driving easier! How convenient. I can't wait to- OH GOD IT'S RUNNING OVER MY LEGS. SWEET LORD IT'S DESTROYING THE BIKE SHOPS. ALL HAIL OUR CAR OVERLORDS STOP SMOOSHING MY LEGS

Watchmen
* The Time Of The DVD Is Nigh. And Jackie Earle Haley wants us all to have parties to celebrate, and film the parties. I normally would never argue with the man who played Rorschach, but in this case I will have to abstain from a gathering of people when that movie comes out. I will be losing my shit. I will have to lock myself in a room, possibly with a strong alcohol and a pack of cigarettes, and not come out until I have seen every special feature and memorized every commentary track. Also, as I've said many times before, when I get excited during a movie I punch people in the arm. Hard. And after dragging my friends and family and loved ones to endure Watchmen, V For Vendetta, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Iron Man, Dawn of the Dead, and The Dark Knight, they've reached their limit. I understand. But that means that none of them get to watch my DVD. SO HA.

Tattoo Of Win

[Found at LOLTATZ]

Food
* Have we talked about Baconnaise? I feel like we have. I feel like nobody could keep such a wonderful product a secret. I mean, bacon-flavored mayo? What GENIUS invented such a concept? And SOLD it? It fills me with lust:

[Found at Geekologie]
I have a weird relationship with mayo. I mean, I put it on chocolate. And eat it. As a tasty snack. DON'T KNOCK IT TILL YOU'VE TRIED IT. And I eat bacon every morning. So the moral of the story is, if you want to be thin, eat a ton of bacon and put mayo on all foods. I wonder if I could start a diet program based around that concept, with Baconnaise being the food you have to eat to lose weight. "Put it on an orange! Watch the pounds MELT AWAY." Of course, I'd have to flee the country before the lawsuits appeared, but I could take Russell Brand with me, so win really.

Daily Hot Guy

[Sam Trammell From True Blood. Shirtless. This is at least part of the reason I love the show. Also, because I know you all sit up nights wondering, here's the order of True Blood characters I love:
1. Sam Merlotte
2. Bill Compton
3. Eric Northman
4. Hoyt Fortenberry
5. Terry Bellefleur
What? Bill can be a total douche, but he's so awkward sometimes, AND HE SAID SLATTERN AND RECYCLES, that is hilarious. But he cannot come CLOSE to Sam. I keep thinking of a filthy joke involving Sam and Baconnaise, but I'm not sharing it]

Comics
* YES. Fables as a novel? HELL. YES. It should also be a TV show and a cartoon series and a movie. And a fashion line. I like me some Fables. Don't judge. You're excited too.

Moment Of Win

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YouTube Wonders
* Can some EXPLAIN this video to me? Please?

WHY does Zachary Quinto's dog go crazy? Why are the paparazzi following him while he walks his dog? And, most importantly, why the HELL is a man in a meat costume chilling with Mr. Quinto? Please, ease my suffering.

Books
* I like Susan Orlean quite a bit, although her writing style annoys me sometimes. Most of my liking of her comes from A) the fact that I met her when she moderated a discussion between Ethan Hawke and Richard Linklater, and B) Meryl Streep playing her in Adaptation. But maybe she should spend more time thinking before she Tweets about gender roles in fiction. Or explain herself more clearly.

People I Love
* This is my favorite headline of the week:

"Dear God: Why Are Some People Patrick Wilson, And Everyone Else Not Patrick Wilson?"

This is my favorite article about him.
And this is my favorite video of him, possibly surpassing even the Naked Crying In The Basement from Watchmen and the Ass-Slap of Destiny from Little Children:

Although if Silk Spectre had slapped his ass WHILE he cried naked in the basement... that would be the Greatest Moment In Cinematic History.

Star Trek
* Here's a chart about Star Trek and why all you posers suddenly love it:

[Found at Geekologie]
Unlike me. I had First Contact MEMORIZED as a kid, and I ALWAYS loved the franchise, and YOU KIDS PULL UP YOUR DAMN PANTS AND GET OFF MY LAWN.

TeeVee
* House is the most watched TV show in the world. It's all thanks to his cane IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. Or the acting and the storylines, and his crazy. That may make more sense. And Wilson was SHAFTED out of an award last season, and this season, because his grief over Amber UNDID ME. He was so sad, and I cried so much. And he was in NEWSIES. I'm just happy House beat out Desperate Housewives. Suck it, Terri Hatcher.

Journalism
* I'm kidding less and less when I say that The Daily Show is the height of journalism in this day and age. Which is scary and sad and does not bode well for the future of our society, but it's still kind of true. Anyway, here is The Daily Show absolutely ripping The New York Times, for the amusement of all. And, once again, they make some really good points. Remember when comedy news was just comedy, and we didn't use it to get ACTUAL INFORMATION?

Politics
* Well, it's official. My new favorite wingnut is not Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, or even the Canadian Lady Who Ate The Seal. No, it's all about Mark Sandford, who RAN AWAY. And nobody seems sure how to DEAL with this story. The dude just bailed. The Governor of South Carolina was either running naked through the woods screaming, in Buenos Aires doing SOMETHING illegal, or sneaking around Atlanta, for AMERICA. I love this guy. He's like the worst spy in the history of spying, or something. What is he DOING? His wife didn't even know where he went, nor did she seem to care. And he is yet another example of the Republican Party completely losing control of its nutters, and I enjoy their madness so much. I have a theory about Mark Sandford's whereabouts, but it includes underage male prostitutes, cocaine, and doing really unspeakable things with tree branches, so I'll keep that to myself.

Dentit now, because the tracking device in my tooth has become dislodged again. I'm kidding. OR AM I?
- LV

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