I Tried To Stay In The Car. I Really Did!

Blog
* He's lying, you know. He didn't try to stay in the car AT ALL. Title is from Castle, which got renewed!

People I Love
* Kelly Osbourne looks awesome (and I want her hair), her fiancee is adorable and practically clear he is so pale and blonde, and her dress amuses me to no end:

[Found at World of Wonder]
Really, how do I get that hair color? We as a society need to make this happen.

Geek Want
* When did sneakers become so amazingly cool again? And can we possibly get some Firefly sneakers? OOH, or Doctor Who-themed Converse, in honor of David Tennant? I HAVE SHOE IDEAS THAT THE WORLD NEEDS. Ahem. Here are Paper Mario Nikes:

[Found at Like Cool]
Oh, but my Imaginary Sneakers Of Super Awesome wouldn't be almost $200. That amount of money doesn't exist! HAHA.... I want to go shopping.

Food!Fail
* After multiple cakes of adorable charm, I figured I'd show you one that will crush your soul and destroy the very fiber of your being:

[Found at Very Demotivational]
Saddest. Cake. Ever.

Technology
* Here's a guide for watching porn on your iPad at work. I don't have an iPad, I don't watch porn (especially at work), and to be honest the fact that this article exists makes me want to sob over the fate of society. People, please: WAIT UNTIL YOU GET HOME TO ENJOY PORNOGRAPHY. Or at least aren't at work. I know it's about office work, but I just keep thinking about airplane pilots doing this, and I have ENOUGH PLANE ANXIETY AS IT IS, OK?

Life Lessons
* I love Spongebob, and I will not apologize for that. Plankton and Squidward are brilliant. And after a long day at work, sometimes I want to watch a talking sponge go jellyfishing with a squirrel, OK? I DON'T JUDGE YOUR LIFE. And while there are endless jokes involving Spongebob, and drugs, few are quite so accurate. Here's your handy guide for the spongey chemicals.:

[Found at Friggin Random]
Oh, and one episode definitely had a joke about Spongebob innocently delivering drugs to Patrick. For reals.

Daily Hot Guy

[Sam Trammell, AKA Sam Merlotte from True Blood. Have I mentioned I miss True Blood? In the South, everyone has amazing supernatural sex all the time and drinks and eats insane food. It's on HBO, so you know it's true.]

Daily Icon

[Sophia Loren, proof that goddesses do walk among us, and maybe if we stand close to them we can absorb some of their fabulosity.]

Movie!Win
* Have you seen The Raven? It's six minutes of epic fucking genius:

Avatar can EAT ME, I'll just watch this for two hours. And you know what? I'll be HAPPIER.

Wow
* Guys, what do you even want me to say here? What COULD I SAY? I just... I don't know. Nothing makes sense anymore. It's been a weird week, with a lot of stress, and I don't even OWN any chicken memorabilia:

[Found at The World's Best Ever]
To quote Warren Ellis, NO CHIKKINS.

WTF, INTERNET
* Ladies and gentlemen, I present a reusable Pokemon Maxi Pad. So when women have their period, they look at Pikachu:

[Found at Neatorama]
This is either the best thing or the worst thing ever to have happened in the history of the universe. I don't know. I can't decide. It's sort of hilarious, and entertaining, but it's Pokemon and I don't know. I'm more alarmed that someone looked at a Pokemon and decided to create a maxi pad. Who looks at Pikachu and thinks, "Wow, I'd love to BLEED ALL OVER THAT ONCE A MONTH?" I DEMAND AN ANSWER. Or maybe not. Maybe some things are best left unknown.
And maybe it's just me, but I don't much like the idea of Pokemon leaping into my lower orifice.

Animals
* BABY WOMBAT BABY WOMBAT IT IS SO TINY AND WEE AND BABY WOMBAT:

[Found at Daily Mail]
Wombats are native to New Jersey, right? I CAN HAZ? I'll name him Sigfried, and he can sleep at the foot of my bed with my dog and cat. BABY WOMBAT.

Music
* If Lady Gaga, Beyonce, and Metallica all had a huge orgy and then a hideous freak baby emerged from that unholy union, this is what we'd get:

I've named it MetalliGaga. Featuring Beyonce.

TeeVee
* I am full of conflict. For years, FOX has been the Evil TV Overlord. They cancel ALL the shows I love, and make me cry, and fuck up the order of the episodes they do air (remember what they did to Firefly? DO YOU?) or they cut the number (Arrested Development) and basically take every show I love and shit all over it, leaving me a miserable and angry fangirl shouting into the void of the internet, while Life, Unexpected gets renewed on the CW (I have never seen this show, but the commercials were so obnoxious that I hate the show forever now) (CW is still the WB, no matter what ANYONE says).

But the winds are changing. No, really. This year, FOX made Glee, and they renewed Human Target AND Lie To Me, when common sense insisted that one of them would get the axe, which made me enormously happy, because now I have snarky British Tim Roth AND Jackie Earle Haley on a weekly basis. So apparently FOX is taking a break from making me sad, since they already cancelled Dollhouse a while back.

BUT BUT now NBC is being dickish. As I mentioned, they cancelled Heroes. And while I love the show (I have to admit Igave up this season because I had no idea what was going on, and nobody seemed to have any clue what they were doing, and Hiro was sad all the time, and Sylar was more whiny than insane/sexy, among other reasons) it was time for it to go. It had a good few years (its first season remains genius) and deserves to step out with dignity (and a return of Christopher Eccleston as Crazy Invisible Pigeon Man Of Secks?).

Unfortunately, NBC has decided to steal the Dickish Network title from FOX, for reasons I cannot comprehend, and is just ENDING the series on a CLIFFHANGER, and not even giving us a series finale TV movie episode THING. AND THAT IS HORSE-SHIT. LV DOES NOT APPROVE IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM. The show was really good, and juggled some very complex (occassionally demented) plot lines, and ROBERT FORRESTER WAS A VILLAIN, DUDES. AND SULU WAS ON IT. SULU. SULU WILL FUCK A BITCH UP. God dammit, I'm remembering how much I used to love the show.

OK, new plan: Sylar and Peter Petrelli team up and fight the NBC Executive assholes, shirtless, and Hiro makes that adorable wobbly face, and Sulu KILLS EVERYONE, and then the cute boys all kiss, and Claire falls down a well (OH, and Ali Larter, who does not have a power but a DISORDER) the end.

I miss Heroes.
- LV

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So This Guy Comes In, Stops The Plot Cold, & Leaves.

Blog
* Title is from Mystery Science Theater 3000, Greatest Show Ever.

* This blog is one you need to check out: The Rock 'n Roll Cook. Rock stars. Telling you how to make their favorite foods, and the insane stories around them. This is brilliant. WHY has no one thought of this before?

Did you know the drummer from Black Sabbath is a vegan? Yes, Bill Ward is one of the only cool vegans alive. He gives you the recipe for his enchilada pie. If you eat it while listening to old-school Black Sabbath, you are imbued with the power of a thousand rock gods.

There are also interviews and recipes featuring Joss Stone, producer Ethan Johns (the man behind Kings of Leon, Ray LaMontagne, Paolo Nutini, Ryan Adams, Rufus Wainwright, Emmylou Harris, The Jayhawks and Crowded House), among others.

The touring drummer for Nine Inch Nails like Frito Chili Pie. I think we made that back in college. For roommates that wouldn't clean the bathroom. It was delicious, but there was a good chance it would kill you. I miss college.

FREAKANGELS FRIDAY
* Yes, it is that glorious day of the week again, wherein Warren Ellis emerges from his technological fortress and gifts us with the sweat from his brilliant brow. After all those weeks of skips, which led to me bemoaning the fate of humanity, we have CONSISTENCY. AND GLOWING EYES. Maybe Karl will explode someone, and I will delight in it.

I need more coffee. Spoilers beneath my signature at the bottom of the entry.

Daily Buy
* This would be a great gift for a kid. It's one of those plant-kits where you learn about nature. But you know what makes this one special? DINOSAURS:

As these bean plants sprout, different dinos appear on the pods that emerge - a truly enchanting way to introduce children to the wonders of the natural world.

[Found at What On Earth]
This would be the best gift. For a child. Yes. Not for an adult. We are ABOVE such silly things. We don't want plants.... with dinosaurs.... RAPTORS.... What?

Holiday!Fail
* The following conversation is true. It was not exaggerated in any way.
Mom: What is that?
Me: It's an ornament.
Mom: Is it Winston Churchill?
Me: What?
Mom: It's Churchill, right?
Me: It's an ORNAMENT.
Mom: You said that. But it's Winston Churchill.
Me: WHY would anyone want Winston Churchill hanging from their tree?
Mom: I don't know. Your blog has all sorts of weird crap. Winston Churchill ornaments would be pretty boring, comparably.
Me: It's a baby:

[Found at Regretsy]
Mom: Why would anyone want an ornament of a screaming baby Winston Churchill?
Me: It's ISN'T- I don't know, Mom. I really don't anymore.

Books
* I love Michael Chabon. Wonder Boys is a fantastic book. So is The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay. And Gentlemen of the Road. Here, he talks about his new book. I'm sorry, I have no snark. I want Michael Chabon's career. AND he likes Doctor Who.

Nostalgia!Win
* Have we talked about my Mortal Kombat love? I loved the games (but none compared to Trilogy), I loved the movies (SHUT UP I WAS YOUNG AND FOOLISH), and the soundtrack is still damn good music to work out too. I miss Mortal Kombat, while at the same time hoping fervently that they NEVER remake the movies, because the ORIGINAL movies were terrible.

What were we talking about? Oh, right, Mortal Kombat, greatest game EVER. And this made me miss it even more:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

SUB-ZERO FTW.

Daily Hot Guy

[Sam Trammell, who plays Sam on True Blood. Sam used to be my favorite. No longer, but he's still in the top three. I miss True Blood. When does it come back on?

Doctor Who
* I kind of want to watch every Doctor Who episode ever, all over again, for no good reason other than Doctor Who is EPIC LIFE-GIVING WIN.
Anyway, they've announced the dates for The End of Time. I need a hug. From David Tennant. Is he available?

People I Love
* I love Emails from Crazy People, because comparatively speaking, EVERYONE is sane. EVERYONE. I also love this dude, who admitted to wanting to hire someone to dress up as a pilgrim on Thanksgiving to serve him and his guests dinner:

[Found at Emails From Crazy People]
He's a total asshole, but at least he's up front about it. 'Gravy-ladler' isn't a career you hear much about anymore, is it?

Movie!Fail
* David Fincher is directing a movie that features Justin Timberlake.

Yeah, I'm done.

PS I lied, I'm not done. Jesse Eisenberg is in the movie too, and he's rapidly becoming Epic!Win, so maybe if he punches Justin Timberlake, everything will be all better, yes?

TeeVee
* Besides being rich, talented, and BRILLIANT, Edgar Wright has the urge to display amazing DVD TV shows that are not mine:

FINE, Mr. Wright. You win at EVERYTHING. OK? Except being a girl. That's where I'm a VIKING.

Also, I probably know more about Hunter Thompson and fashion than you do. I said 'probably.' I'm not taking any chances.

Awesome
* OMIGOD. OMIGOD.

[Found at Hijinks Ensue]
Kaisha found this for me. I adore her. ALMOST AS MUCH AS BACON ALPHA WASH.

Seriously, it's like these guys climbed into my head and made all my deepest desires come to comic life!

EPIC WIN, PEOPLE. RIGHT HERE.

Movie!Win
* ZOMBIELAND 2. IN 3-D.
That's the tag-line. That I just invented. My fee is several hours with Tallahassee, and a lifetime supply of Twinkies.

I really don't care much either way about the 3-D aspect, but whatever Zombieland thinks is good for me IS good for me. I also want the DVD now. And I think I'll wear my Tallahassee hat today.

Childhood!Fail
* If the image of Megan Fox getting leg-humped by a tiny racist robot as Megatron DIES didn't annhilate Transformers for you, try this:

How did that work? You OK? Stop crying. MEGATRON HATES YOU AND YOUR HUMAN TEARS.

Wow
* Alan Moore. Singing.

[Found at Topless Robot]
Brain broken now. Ears too. All broken bits in head-bones.

Animals
* OTTERS. I WANT AN OTTER. I WILL NAME HIM OLIVER. I AM UNCREATIVE:

How about Ollie? Oswald? OSCAR?

OK, time to read more FREAKANGELS. And if I decide to wear my Tallahassee hat, there will be pictures.
- LV

WARNING: SPOILERS FOR THIS WEEKS' FREAKANGELS TO FOLLOW
- Mark got a booboo! Wow, way for me to undermine the drama. And GOD DAMN THE CARS ESPLODED.

I'd say this would make a sick movie, but then they'd fuck it up, and I would be filled with sorrow and rage. And nobody wants THAT.

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That's Just 'Cause I'm Going Down Too Quick. Likely Crash & Kill Us All.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

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It's Like A Party In My Mouth & Everybody's Throwing Up!

Blog
* Title comes from Futurama.

Food
* Did you know that an onion can soothe a bee-sting? I never get stung by bees, because I do not freak out when I see them, and generally just ignore them until they go away. I am afraid of a number of ridiculous things, but bees are not on the list. On the downside, you then have to spend the day smelling like an onion, which could seriously hamper your social life.

Movies
* Courtney Cox Arquette and David Arquette are determined to completely ruin the memory of the original Scream, by making a fourth movie. The first scared the shit out of me, the second was fairly creepy and had a nice Friday The 13th homage, the third one made no fucking sense and blew. If tradition follows, the fourth will cause cancer, massive brain embolisms, and a deep hatred for Neve Campbell. Plus, how many times can Dewey get STABBED?

* There is going to be a Stretch Armstrong movie. That is the joke, punchline, and tragic resolution all in one sentence.

* A futuristic Macbeth with Anthony Stewart Head as Duncan? If they could somehow meld this with Repo! The Genetic Opera and have Mr. Head sing as he gets murdered, and Lady Macbeth sing as she washes her hands with bleach or cuts off the skin, this would be awesome. The above is also the reason why nobody lets me have any say in movies.

* Click here to see the greatest bit of character casting in the history of the universe, or at least the Thor universe. Also extra points for Beard Win.

Ad!Fail
* Remember that porno-rific Burger King ad? Well, the folks over at Best Week Ever have a few more suggestions on obscene advertising:

[Found at BestWeekEver]

[Found at BestWeekEver]
Clearly, I was absent the day that someone explained why tiny penis-fries are a solid marketing idea. Click here for even more ads, including Dunkin' Donuts, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

Depression Session
* You need to stay buff during the depression. Then, when young hooligans try to steal your last bag of rice, you can beat them to death and feast on their stringy, half-starved flesh. So, in conclusion, you should use bleach bottles as dumbells to get stronger and increase the chance that when cannibalism becomes a necessary evil, you will be the eater instead of the eaten. I'm thinking of your welfare.

Girly Shit
* These are boots collected from military bases, then redesigned with Native American artwork to show different types of American Patriotism:

[Found at CoolHunting]
They are also totally badass, and I want about ten different pairs, because I like boots and irony. Click here for many different styles and colors.

Music
* I like this remix of Lady Gaga's LoveGame featuring Marilyn Manson because, if nothing else, it proves that the difference between pop music and scary rock music is often all in the voice singing the words.

Suddenly it goes from a fun, sexy song to a frightening, threatening tune about how Marilyn Manson will throw you into his pit of depraved LoveGames from which you will never escape.

Technology
* I think the International Society of Supervillains should have to handle all spam mail I receive, forever, because they will laugh and be amused, and then they will destroy you and everything you hold dear, which is the only real way to respond to spam.


Watchmen
* Jackie Earle Haley (or at least his official site) implores you to check out these fan videos. You do not question Mr. Haley. You do as he says, bow before him, and ask him to say "Waiting for a flash of enlightenment in all this blood and thunder," because they CUT IT FROM THE MOVIE. I wish I could make fan videos. I have no skills. Also, as much as I love him, I think knowing Rorschach in high school would have ended up with me dead or deeply resentful. AND TOTALLY WORTH IT.

Daily Hot Guy

[Sam Trammell, making pain and blood required parts of a healthy relationship, DAMN this poster needs to be mine, and he needs to deliver it, and Sunday is True Blood day, HUZZAH]

Tattoo Of Win
* Ouch.

[Found at LOLTATZ]

Food
* If James Bond drank wine instead of martinis, this would be the kit he used to open wine bottles:

[Found at NerdApproved]
Then James would knock out the Russian Spy Lady with the fake bottle, drain it in one chug, have sex with her, have sex with a chair, have sex with a villain, shoot some random henchmen, take off his shirt, put his shirt back on, beat the shit out of a tourist asking for directions, has sex with the tourist asking for directions, puts on another suit, and shoots a big gun, and it is AWESOME.

I have a lot to do today. I have an article to write, I need to work on my book, clean closets... it SEEMS like a lot. To me. I want to go back to sleep. Or watch Mark Sandford cry while Sarah Palin yells about things. It would be like the alpha and omega of political history.
- LV

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I'm Not Sure That One Made It Down The Mountain Gob.

Blog
* Title is from Arrested Development. It's funny that Gob went on to play a religious guru-type in Wristcutters. And by funny, I mean HOT.

Ad!Fail
* You have got to be shitting me:

[Found at BestWeekEver]
They're changing Pizza Hut's name, for monies. Who's idea is this? I tend to get irritated when companies change their names. Remember when Boston Market was Boston Chicken? I was PISSED. And 'The Hut' makes me think of Jabba, and I don't even LIKE Star Wars, and I'm not sure you want to think of Jabba licking Princess Leia when considering where to eat dinner. Also the food is shitty, and dammit, isn't the world crazy enough? Then again, I knew things were going downhill when they started stuffing pasta into pizza like crazed geneticists. Scary times.

Doctor Who
* This is one of my all-time favorite quotes about Doctor Who:

"Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to purée of bat guano; and the greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!"

And it was said by Harlan Ellison, who is a fierce and wonderful genius writer that you should all WORSHIP. With that sort of support, being nominated for a few awards is nice and appreciated, but ultimately secondary. Because, really, Doctor Who is like the Meryl Streep of science fiction series - when it DOESN'T win or get nominated, it's just being kind and letting the other shows have their moment to shine.

Inglourious Basterds
* See? I SPELLED IT THE WAY YOU SAID, QUENTIN. Here's another trailer:

I hate to say this, given my unhealthy and inexplicable love for Tarantino, but I kind of agree with the guy from Collider: On one hand, yes it looks awesome, and Nazi killing seems to be the fun activity for the month of August, if Brad Pitt continues to endorse it this way. On the other hand, I want to see more of the damn movie, not the same clips, and also is it just me or does Eli Roth look like a toolish Zachary Quinto? Because that is freaking me out. I'm still going to see it, naturally. Opening day. First showing. But I expect brilliant trailers from Quentin, and this doesn't reach the radness of the Bride's monologue:

How SCARY is Uma Thurman in this trailer? Seriously, I would burst into tears and apologize and beg for a swift death, because she is INTENSE. This made me curse and scream because I didn't want to wait for volume 2 of Kill Bill. The Inglourious Basterds trailer? "Ooh, Quentin made another movie. I shall go see it." Not quite as exciting.

Depression Session
* Rain barrels remind me of 28 Days Later... which was a kick-ass movie, in no small part because of the graffiti that said, 'The End Is Extremely Fucking Nigh" and I like to imagine that whoever wrote that was a distant relation of Rorschach and the movie had Christopher Eccleston, and maybe when the world economy collapses the zombies will rise around that time and we can all live out our lives like that movie, only hopefully the version where Cillian Murphy lives, because otherwise it's just sad, and you're left alone drinking water out of a rain barrel, which is sort of the opposite of cool.

Girly Shit
* In a battle of style, class, talent, and general awesome, Dita Von Teese will ALWAYS beat Beyonce Knowles:

[Found at FabSugar]
Really, pitting these two against each other is laughable, and probably embarrassing for Beyonce. The woman has no idea who she's dealing with, does she? Dita will be generous, though. Maybe she'll just blind the girl with her sequins.

Music
* Here's a really interesting analysis of Lady Gaga's 'Paparazzi' video, and what it says about women and violence. It's an intriguing take, even if I don't agree with all of it, and the video is what STARTED my insane love and admiration for Lady Pantsless, so give credit where it's due, I suppose. Also of interest to anyone who's ever done any sort of cultural/feminist studies.

Technology
* Awww, look at these cute cars! They look like the cars from the movie Cars:

[Found at DVICE]
Aren't they ADORABLE? And they're robotically controlled, to make driving easier! How convenient. I can't wait to- OH GOD IT'S RUNNING OVER MY LEGS. SWEET LORD IT'S DESTROYING THE BIKE SHOPS. ALL HAIL OUR CAR OVERLORDS STOP SMOOSHING MY LEGS

Watchmen
* The Time Of The DVD Is Nigh. And Jackie Earle Haley wants us all to have parties to celebrate, and film the parties. I normally would never argue with the man who played Rorschach, but in this case I will have to abstain from a gathering of people when that movie comes out. I will be losing my shit. I will have to lock myself in a room, possibly with a strong alcohol and a pack of cigarettes, and not come out until I have seen every special feature and memorized every commentary track. Also, as I've said many times before, when I get excited during a movie I punch people in the arm. Hard. And after dragging my friends and family and loved ones to endure Watchmen, V For Vendetta, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Iron Man, Dawn of the Dead, and The Dark Knight, they've reached their limit. I understand. But that means that none of them get to watch my DVD. SO HA.

Tattoo Of Win

[Found at LOLTATZ]

Food
* Have we talked about Baconnaise? I feel like we have. I feel like nobody could keep such a wonderful product a secret. I mean, bacon-flavored mayo? What GENIUS invented such a concept? And SOLD it? It fills me with lust:

[Found at Geekologie]
I have a weird relationship with mayo. I mean, I put it on chocolate. And eat it. As a tasty snack. DON'T KNOCK IT TILL YOU'VE TRIED IT. And I eat bacon every morning. So the moral of the story is, if you want to be thin, eat a ton of bacon and put mayo on all foods. I wonder if I could start a diet program based around that concept, with Baconnaise being the food you have to eat to lose weight. "Put it on an orange! Watch the pounds MELT AWAY." Of course, I'd have to flee the country before the lawsuits appeared, but I could take Russell Brand with me, so win really.

Daily Hot Guy

[Sam Trammell From True Blood. Shirtless. This is at least part of the reason I love the show. Also, because I know you all sit up nights wondering, here's the order of True Blood characters I love:
1. Sam Merlotte
2. Bill Compton
3. Eric Northman
4. Hoyt Fortenberry
5. Terry Bellefleur
What? Bill can be a total douche, but he's so awkward sometimes, AND HE SAID SLATTERN AND RECYCLES, that is hilarious. But he cannot come CLOSE to Sam. I keep thinking of a filthy joke involving Sam and Baconnaise, but I'm not sharing it]

Comics
* YES. Fables as a novel? HELL. YES. It should also be a TV show and a cartoon series and a movie. And a fashion line. I like me some Fables. Don't judge. You're excited too.

Moment Of Win

see more Fail Blog

YouTube Wonders
* Can some EXPLAIN this video to me? Please?

WHY does Zachary Quinto's dog go crazy? Why are the paparazzi following him while he walks his dog? And, most importantly, why the HELL is a man in a meat costume chilling with Mr. Quinto? Please, ease my suffering.

Books
* I like Susan Orlean quite a bit, although her writing style annoys me sometimes. Most of my liking of her comes from A) the fact that I met her when she moderated a discussion between Ethan Hawke and Richard Linklater, and B) Meryl Streep playing her in Adaptation. But maybe she should spend more time thinking before she Tweets about gender roles in fiction. Or explain herself more clearly.

People I Love
* This is my favorite headline of the week:

"Dear God: Why Are Some People Patrick Wilson, And Everyone Else Not Patrick Wilson?"

This is my favorite article about him.
And this is my favorite video of him, possibly surpassing even the Naked Crying In The Basement from Watchmen and the Ass-Slap of Destiny from Little Children:

Although if Silk Spectre had slapped his ass WHILE he cried naked in the basement... that would be the Greatest Moment In Cinematic History.

Star Trek
* Here's a chart about Star Trek and why all you posers suddenly love it:

[Found at Geekologie]
Unlike me. I had First Contact MEMORIZED as a kid, and I ALWAYS loved the franchise, and YOU KIDS PULL UP YOUR DAMN PANTS AND GET OFF MY LAWN.

TeeVee
* House is the most watched TV show in the world. It's all thanks to his cane IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. Or the acting and the storylines, and his crazy. That may make more sense. And Wilson was SHAFTED out of an award last season, and this season, because his grief over Amber UNDID ME. He was so sad, and I cried so much. And he was in NEWSIES. I'm just happy House beat out Desperate Housewives. Suck it, Terri Hatcher.

Journalism
* I'm kidding less and less when I say that The Daily Show is the height of journalism in this day and age. Which is scary and sad and does not bode well for the future of our society, but it's still kind of true. Anyway, here is The Daily Show absolutely ripping The New York Times, for the amusement of all. And, once again, they make some really good points. Remember when comedy news was just comedy, and we didn't use it to get ACTUAL INFORMATION?

Politics
* Well, it's official. My new favorite wingnut is not Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, or even the Canadian Lady Who Ate The Seal. No, it's all about Mark Sandford, who RAN AWAY. And nobody seems sure how to DEAL with this story. The dude just bailed. The Governor of South Carolina was either running naked through the woods screaming, in Buenos Aires doing SOMETHING illegal, or sneaking around Atlanta, for AMERICA. I love this guy. He's like the worst spy in the history of spying, or something. What is he DOING? His wife didn't even know where he went, nor did she seem to care. And he is yet another example of the Republican Party completely losing control of its nutters, and I enjoy their madness so much. I have a theory about Mark Sandford's whereabouts, but it includes underage male prostitutes, cocaine, and doing really unspeakable things with tree branches, so I'll keep that to myself.

Dentit now, because the tracking device in my tooth has become dislodged again. I'm kidding. OR AM I?
- LV

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Bruce Campbell Puts The 'Laughter' In 'Manslaughter.'

Blog
* The title is true.

* Today's entry is a little late. Been yelling at CNN again (because if my rage is pure enough, they will HEAR ME and stop saying things that aren't true) and because I've been following the Iranian Elections on Twitter. Who knew Twitter could be used for good?

Twitter
* Here is a handy BoingBoing guide to helping and aiding those bloggers in Iran who are posting on Twitter. They really are amazing people, and deserve all the help they can get. Here's some advice on what you can do to get the word out, without putting anyone in danger. PS At least they are FIGHTING for their election. During the 2000 election fiasco, people in America bitched a lot, but ultimately they rolled over and sulked.

Star Trek
* I think I represent as a pretty proud girl-geek. But even I draw the line at having horribly disfigured Starfleet captain's on top of my wedding cake:

[Found at i09]
Out of all the romantic/cheesy/surreal scenes in the glorious history of Star Trek, who thought the mutilation of Captain Pike was the best way to express undying love? Why not a Tribble? What? They make everything better. Science told us so.

TeeVee
* Lifehacker asks if you would pay for Hulu. A lot of people were neutral. I say no. Absolutely not. I will wait for the damn DVDs and watch them on Netflix. I use Hulu BECAUSE it's free. That's its appeal. Otherwise, I'll go back to BitTorrent and crappy YouTube videos. TAKE BACK THE INTERNET. Or, you know, we could watch TV shows ON TV, like the cavemen did. Just putting that out there.

Journalism
* Cory Doctorow, who is a techno-wizard and should be loved and feared, found this fantastic article on the newspaper industry and how it's insane. Well, it's a little more complicated than that. It analyzes the journalistic infrastructure that has led us to where we stand today (on the brink of collapse) and why. It's fascinating, sobering, and scary.

Geek Want
* This is what has been missing in my life:

[Found at CrunchGear]
For the past twenty-three years, there has been a skewer-shaped hole in my life, especially when I barbecue. But now I am complete. I am going to buy this thing, and barbecue ALL SUMMER LONG. I will be dressed like Lady Gaga, for obvious reasons, and reenact that Firefly episode where Mal got stabbed. BUCKLE! SWASH! My summer is BOOKED RIGHT UP. And then Nathan Fillion will SHOW UP IN PERSON, and then everything will make sense. When you own a barbecue skewer with a fencing handle, ANYTHING is possible.

Politics
* I'm going to let Bill O'Reilly address the murder of Dr. George Tiller all by himself, without any commentary besides this, because the man doesn't need any help making himself look vile.

* And, because this blog is neither Fair nor Balanced, here are some of Dr. Tiller's patients discussing him, and his influence on their lives.

Apocalypse How?
* So I have to bid farewell to my Marlboro Lights. Look, I may be stupid about a great number of things, but I know cigarettes are bad, and I am trying (once again) to quit, because it is expensive. But until I quit, I am a smoker, and I have rights. And I know they're bad for me. I never thought 'Light' cigarettes would be healthier. Yes, healthy cigarettes - they make your hair thicker and increase blood flow to the brain! If you are really that dumb, you probably aren't reading the labels. On anything. And I only switched to Marlboro Lights because my friends actually PROTESTED me smoking Kools, which was the right thing to do because menthols are disgusting and now they make me sick, but I was a CHILD and they came in a pretty green box, and when you are a rebellious fifteen year-old, that's how you make decisions. So I guess I'll go from three Marlboro Lights a day to two Marlboro Reds a day? Those things are INTENSE. This isn't fair. LET ME HAVE MY LIGHTS (and please, no Emails. Smoking is awful and disgusting and I'm paying people to give me cancer. I've heard it ALL. Nobody should smoke, ever, and I am WORKING on it). By the way, I consider the fact that people think that relabeling certain types of cigarettes will have any influence on the health of this country, a sure sign of the apocalypse.

Daily Hot Guy

[Sam Trammell, AKA Sam Merlotte, AKA, The Second Hot Guy On True Blood, AKA I Like Him Better Than Bill, AKA Why Does Anna Paquin Get To Choose Between Sam & Bill WHERE IS THE JUSTICE, making plaid all sorts of sexy]

WTF, INTERNET?
* So, apparently, if there had been a subplot in Repo! The Genetic Opera wherein the Gravedigger sold steampunk vibrators for extra cash, this is what they would look like:

[Found at i09]
This vibrator is steam-driven. But there are a few kinks (HAHA SEE WHAT I DID THERE) in the system. And that makes me nervous. Plus I kind of want to beat zombies to death with it. WHICH COULD BE A GOOD MARKETING CAMPAIGN. It's fascinating, but wouldn't there be a real risk of serious steam burns on delicate areas? Just asking.

Zombies
* I apologize for ever doubting Harvard's genius. A real Harvard smart-person explained zombie neurology. For real. I love you, Harvard Psychiatrist. You can be on my team when the apocalypse hits. You'll probably be killed off in the third act in a final dramatic throw-down, but that's a risk we will all have to take.

Animals
* Caterpillars are cute and harmless, and when I was a kid I raised them in one of those mail-order kits and they grew into butterflies which I let go in the backyard. What? I have a few childhood memories that aren't weird or depressing. But if I see a caterpillar that looks like this, I'm killing it with my imaginary flame-thrower:

[Found at EnvironmentalGraffitti]
I'll give you a moment to stop screaming. I don't care if this thing grows up to be the the Butterfly Of Healthcare Reform. I'm smooshing it. LOOK AT IT. WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? There are more if you click here, a few of which don't make me burst into panicky tears of ick.

Doctor Who
* Dear Doctor Who Production People Who Keep Posting This Stuff: The Daleks have gone from scaring the everloving shit out of me to sort of pissing me off. They need a break. HOW MANY TIMES CAN THE DOCTOR DESTROY THEM? And Cybermen are exhausted. I do not feel comforted by reusing the same damn villains over and over. You want to bring back an old villain for the New Doctor? How about those Bug Moon Aliens from the First Doctor episode, The Web Planet? You think you're all so good? Update this shit, make it cool and interesting and scary:

[Found at BBC]
Well? I'm waiting. Terrify me.

Depression Session
* Here's a fun way to keep track of all the jobs you applied for and didn't get. I did a similar thing when I was trying to get a publishing job in New York. Now I have a job in publishing, and most of the places I applied at are going under, SO WIN FOR LV. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry. That was inappropriate and wrong. I'm still bitter, OK? I LOST OUT ON A JOB I WAS PROMISED BECAUSE THE EDITOR'S KID NEEDED A JOB. I'll get over it, maybe, one day.

Girly Shit
* NooooooooooOOOOOOOOOoooooooo. They've stopped selling Max Factor in the United States. Because America is a wasteland, and we have no need to look pretty when we are all DOOMED. But if you know people in other countries who will buy it and ship it to you, this is irrelevant. Wait, does this mean no more of those horrible ads with Kate Moss pouting at me and writing stuff with her lipstick? That might be an unanticipated bonus. Oh, never mind, those are Rimmel ads. Forget I said everything. There is no positive side to Max Factor abandoning the colonies. I weep.

All for now. Sorry this was delayed, ish.
- LV

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