Once Upon A Time In Mexico

Originally posted May 18th, 2008

NOTE: Since this movie came out several years ago, I'm going to assume everyone has seen it. SPOILER ALERT.

Dear Robert Rodriguez: We need to talk. I'm not going into your recent film forays (GRINDHOUSE) or your personal life (Rose McGowan). No, instead, we're going to have a chat about ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO.

First of all, what the fuck? This movie really isn't the conclusion of the Mariachi Trilogy (following EL MARIACHI and DESPERADO). It's more like the bastard son of FROM DUSK 'TILL DAWN without the vampires, or the love-child of Uwe Boll and Francis Ford Coppola.

Let's face it: the movie is a total mess. But it's a glorious, hot mess, the sort of mess other, lesser messes should bow before. It has pretty explosions and wonderful shoot-outs and snappy dialogue and one of the most schizophrenic casts I had ever seen (until you made SIN CITY).

I mean, El (Antonio Banderas) is barely in his own movie. He's all sulky again, understandably, but it's less interesting to see him fighting for revenge this time. How many people are out to ruin his life? Apparently there's something about him that really pisses off rich assholes with lots of guns and lackeys.

And speaking of no screen time, why is Salma Hayek on the poster? She's barely in the movie as well. Because you killed her. Which is annoying, as she was a smart, sexy, capable character in DESPERADO. You leave poor Eva Mendes to be the primary bastion of femininity in this guy-fest. And while she does a good job with her small role, the waves of testosterone ultimately knock her down.

We also need to discuss the casting. It feels like the fabric of the universe tore a little bit the moment you decided to make a movie with Willem Dafoe, Mickey Rourke, Cheech Marin, and Enrique Iglesias - although Iglesias, as the hard-drinking mariachi crony of El, is really very funny. Why does Rourke have a chihuahua, which I just wanted to drop-kick the whole movie? I am convinced he wandered onto the set from another film, and you were simply too polite to ask him to leave. Dafoe just has to stand there and sneer scarily, which he's very good at, but it doesn't seem like it was too taxing.

Now, to the main point: the best character in the whole damn film is, without a doubt, CIA Agent Sands (Johnny Depp). I am not just saying this because I'm a squealing idiot fangirl when it comes to Depp (although I am). Sands is the funniest, craziest, most entertaining part of the whole film. He has the best dialogue and the best plot points. Most of the best camerawork occurs after his 'operation.' He is probably the least sane character onscreen at any given time, and wears the ugliest wardrobe known to man. He has three freaking arms! He is amazing. The fact that you felt the need to mutilate him horribly is something we'll not get into.

The problem with Depp's performance is that when he's not on screen, the whole movie suffers. It slows to a crawl, unless something is blowing up. You sit through it, enjoy some of it, and wait patiently for the majesty that is Sands to return and shoot an innocent bystander, or use the phrase 'skull-fuck' without batting an eye. Then he appears, and the movie is good again. His final shoot-out is funny and beautifully shot, and has a delicate balance of humor and violence that is not always found in the rest of the film.

So: a sequel. Stop pretending to give a crap about El. Everyone he knows is dead. There is nobody else he can avenge, unless someone takes out his cleaning lady or bartender. Leave him to the dusty streets of Mexico and his own misery. Let's look towards the future: Sands is blind, insane, and violent. We've had blind assassins, but come on! Blind former CIA Agents with nothing left to lose? Can you say franchise? We'll get McDonald's on board - teeny tiny Sands action figures with removable eyes! (Not for children under three.) You set it up well enough in this movie; and everyone is pretty much dead, so you can have it go wherever you want. The movie is a guaranteed hit! I'll go see it, anyway.

A few notes from this movie, before you start banging out the script for The Amazing Adventure Of Sands. Plot is somewhat important. If asked what OUATIM is about, I could explain what happens, but it would take me a few minutes and possibly a flow chart. It's much easier to say, "El is pissed off and kills people to save Mexico from Willem Dafoe, and Johnny Depp has three arms." Therefore, let's make the plot coherent. Simplicity is not a bad thing. Look at FROM DUSK 'TILL DAWN - bank robbers battle vampires. Simple!

The music is so great in this film that I want to bottle it and drink it as a refreshing beverage. Kudos to always writing a great soundtrack, and finding the right people to make it perfect. We'll keep that for our next project.

The violence in your movies is almost always cool and exciting and original, which is a big reason why I keep going to them. But I'm tired of watching people jump and climb over high buildings. We need less of Banderas and Hayek swinging from balconies, and more of Banderas blowing that guys kneecaps off. Violence to the kneecap is always cool. Maybe we could have a whole 'kneecap doom' section of the film. Or Sands could beat people's kneecaps with a chair leg. I'm flexible.

OUATIM is ultimately a fun, stupid movie. It's real flaw is so much wasted potential. You made a good, entertaining movie. But it could have been a great movie. It could have been THE GOOD, THE BAD, & THE UGLY. And the fact that it ended up being just a silly popcorn flick is really disappointing. It isn't quite silly enough to be FROM DUSK 'TILL DAWN (which I keep mentioning because it's my favorite of your films), but it doesn't manage to have the quirky genius of EL MARIACHI. Luckily it's not SHARKBOY & LAVAGIRL, so the universe isn't totally cruel.

So let's take the wasted brilliance of OUATIM, and make it the prequel for the ongoing odyssey of Sands. Trust me on this: make the Sands film, and forget the BARBARELLA remake. Think of the children. Then let Sands shoot them.
- LV

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The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

Originally published May 31, 2008

NOTE: SPOILER ALERT. I talk about the whole movie, and hint at stuff from the book series. SPOILER ALERT.

Also, since this is a children's movie, I'm going to see if I can get by without cursing. Although children should never, ever be allowed on this website.

A FEW NOTES ON THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: PRINCE CASPIAN

* Prince Caspian's professor looks exactly like Santa Claus. He has the beard, the belly like a bowl full of jelly, the red nose, and even those funny little glasses Santa wears when reading the 'Naughty' and 'Nice' lists. It's distracting to see Santa running around a big castle.

* Hey, anyone ever watch that show THE FAIRLY ODDPARENTS on Nickelodeon? Remember that minor character, Juandissimo Magnifico, the 'sexy' fairy with the dark good looks and heavy accent? Yeah, Caspian reminds me of him. I was very disappointed that at no point in this movie does Caspian go, "I'm sorry; I'm very sexy."

* I am absolutely the only person in my theater who was excited that Peter Dinklage (THE STATION AGENT, ELF) was in this movie. Dinklage PWNS. I've liked him since LIVING IN OBLIVION (go rent it now). His performance alone was worth the ticket price. If I'd known he was in this movie, I would have seen it opening weekend.

* On the kids: The oldest brother is attractive, but irritatingly noble and selfish; the oldest sister is pretty, and I really appreciated the sadness in the character, as it works well with what happens to Susan by the end of the series (the book series, at least); the younger brother is still my favorite (Edmund was always the cool one); the little sister walks the very fine line between adorable and needing to be bashed in the head, and sometimes stumbles. Generally, they do a fine job. Nobody will ever claim this movie is about the acting.

* Eddie Izzard (THE RICHES) plays a little mouse with a sword! Stop and THINK about that. Eddie Izzard. Mouse. Sword. Killer mouse, no less. Let the awesomeness of that sweep over you.

* Issue: So Caspian's people have basically overrun and exterminated the Narnians for 1300 years, right? Then why does it take Caspian less than three minutes to convince them all to die for him? He's not THAT pretty. Or the Narnians are, on top of everything else, incredibly forgiving. Or, you know, stupid.

* I'm sorry to say this, but the centaurs in HARRY POTTER looked better. The human part was too tiny for the horse part. And the baby centaur had a full-grown horse body. I'm the only person who was annoyed by that.

* I'm going to say it, and I'm not going to apologize: Aslan is kind of a jerk. He's got all these super-cool magical powers that could save everyone instantly, and he has nothing better to do, and he apparently loves everyone. But instead of helping out, he's off frolicking merrily in the forest while everyone gets slaughtered, because they don't BELIEVE in him enough. If I was Lucy, I would have bopped him in the nose when I finally found the smug nitwit. I'd be dead, but self-righteous. (Yes, I know the symbolism. See below).

* Interpretation 1: Religion! The big lion is Jesus, and he doesn't show up until the very end, even though poor little Lucy believed in him from the beginning. Aslan wants her to be an aggressive believer; he wants her knocking on people's doors during dinner with a pamphlet. He expects RESULTS.

* Issue 2: Caspian and Susan's little flirtation was embarrassing for everyone. Caspian had clearly never spoken to a girl his own age before, and was all atwitter. Susan had clearly never spoken to a pretty, exotic prince before, and was corny and inappropriate.

* Interpretation 2: War! I could probably work out a good metaphor for the current war from Narnia, if I wanted to be obnoxious and liberal-arts-student, both of which I am. But it's very late, and I'm losing my grip on consciousness. Let's just say that the battle scenes were impressive, as always, and there's a thesis hidden just below the surface of the scene where the young, impetuous leaders are forced to leave their troops to die. It was a very upsetting scene, children's movie or not.

* TILDA SWINTON! TILDA SWINTON! The White Witch was the best part of the first movie, and it was great to see her again for a bit in this one. She's a scary, scary lady. Edmund's sword action must have been very therapeutic.

* Interpretation 3: Imagination! This is a metaphor I will pursue, for just a second. The Narnians are childhood imagination and belief (not in religion, but in magic and possibility). The Telmarines are adulthood and cold, grey reality, and hard facts. You need both to live in harmony. Now I pause while you ponder this profound statement. Moving on...

* When a centaur is attacking and you stay and fight, that's impressive. But when the TREES start chucking stuff, and you still fight for your country? THEN you're a patriot. Trees fighting is always cool. All the battle scenes were wonderfully rendered, but it's really hard to screw up a fight scene that involves dwarves and badgers.

* Issue 3: Lucy's magic Death-B-Gone potion. As happy as I was that my two favorite supporting characters finally lived, it sort of diminished the deaths of all those soldiers who sacrificed themselves for Narnia. Why didn't she just rain it over the battlefields? I'll be honest, I'm just a little upset that J.K. Rowling didn't steal that plot device. It's lame and stupid, and cheapens everything, but gosh darn it, certain favorite characters of mine wouldn't have died horrible, hideous deaths trying to atone for sins they made when they were young and foolish! (173 days until HALF-BLOOD PRINCE.)

* The final scene in Narnia, where the Telmarines step through the tree, left me wishing that King Leonidas from 300 would show up, scream, "THIS - IS - NARNIA!" and kick them through the darn hole.

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The Other Boleyn Girl

Note: Originally published on my other blog on June 18, 2008

SPOILER WARNING, although if you know your history at all, not so much. Not that reality has much to do with this movie. Otherwise, Paul Giamatti would play King Henry, and only after gaining about fifty or seventy-five more pounds.

* Eric Bana (MUNICH) should be King of something solely because he manages to look sexy wearing an awful lot of fur and some extremely silly hats. Bana is so cheerfully lusty and immoral as the king that, as I'm fond of saying, it appears he wandered over from a different, much better movie.

* PG-13 sex scenes can be better than R-rated sex scenes, because they need to be more creative. They can also be boring and badly lit.

* The two sisters fight and connive, because Mary won't keep her mouth shut and mind her own business, and Anne completely loses her shit every few minutes, and spends most of her free time swearing to avenge petty slights. Their dad wants one of them to do the king. The plot begins to mutter mutinously to itself and study its contract.

* The dresses back then were much prettier. It took six hours to put on a hat, and every corset crushed your organs like a tube of toothpaste, but damn it you, looked awesome.

* Natalie Portman (V FOR VENDETTA) is badass as Anne Boleyn. She has fun with the role, and doesn't take it seriously for a second. This saves her from the maudlin drama of the rest of the film. She also gets to be manipulative and conniving, which seems fun.

* Scarlett Johansson (THE NANNY DIARIES) is mopey and wanders across the screen with a wounded expression on her face. It's hard to play the moral, ethical sister. The moral sister in this case being the one who has an affair with the married king and discusses intimate details about it in front of her husband and have a baby out of wedlock with him. Yet she's the one that's supposed to be mature. No wonder Anne was so pissed.

* So the King really wants to get naked with Anne Boleyn, but she forbids all nudity until he stops seeing Anne and divorces his wife. He divorces his wife, throws the whole country into turmoil, then suddenly is all, 'hey rape is a viable option.' It's unexpected to say the least. And disconcerting. And a sick part of me kept thinking, 'if he'd thought of this earlier, we could have avoided the whole disaster.

* Then she has Elizabeth, and we're all going 'ooh, baby-queen drool!' Although, in case somebody doesn't know who Elizabeth is, at the end they remind you that she becomes queen. People that young shouldn't be watching this movie.

* Anne now has to be crazy and desperate for a boy, but she has basically every good scene in the movie. She gets raped, she experiences the joy of a daughter while knowing the kid has pretty much damned her, she has a miscarriage... Anne Boleyn was probably a bummer queen.

* As if there isn't enough random to go around, now it's like, 'howdy, incest!' Because if your husband can't give you a healthy baby, obviously your brother is the best bet for a normal, non-flipper child. Although it IS Jim Sturgess (ACROSS THE UNIVERSE). Anyway, they don't do it.

* Then the King starts doing the brother's wife, and their mom, Kristin Scott Thomas, (THE GOLDEN COMPASS) starts howling at her husband for screwing up all their kids so very badly, and the plot goes away and takes a nap as everyone screams and cries and schemes unsuccessfully.

* The plot returns, grudgingly, in time for everyone to get decapitated. Except Mary, who remarries some dude and takes care of her niece, who will grow up to be - gasp! - Queen Elizabeth! Who knew?

* More importantly, who knew royal intrigue, pretty people being bad, murder, adultery, betrayal, and rough sex could be so damn boring?

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The Happening

Note: This entry original posted in my old blog, on June 2008

Yes, there are SPOILERS, but honestly it would be far less painful for you to read this review than see this movie. Seriously, save yourself ten dollars. You'll respect yourself more in the morning. If you've already seen the movie, find a support group immediately. There is help out there for you. Stop crying. Eventually, you'll be OK. For those of you determined to see this movie, SPOILER ALERT BELOW.

* So, people are killing themselves all over the east coast, and naturally everyone thinks that terrorists have dumped toxins in the air. There's very well-organized panicking. People actually wait calmly for the train. Let's restate this: there is something in the air that makes you go crazy and kill yourself, and people are exiting the city in an organized fashion, and yielding to traffic.

* It's not terrorists. It's plants. Yes, those plants. They're releasing a toxin in the air, because we're a threat. You see, the movie isn't just some summer horror film! It has a MESSAGE! It's profound. Your daisies want your sweet, sweet blood. Kill your crabgrass before it gets you.

* The death scenes are pretty cool, but there are surprisingly few of them. My personal favorite was people calmly stepping off a building, and when this one guy laid down in front of a lawnmower you ride. Also, the people hanging from the telephone wires was a nice visual. The guy getting eaten by a lion should have been cooler. How can that not be cool? Ask the director. It's too bad there weren't more death scenes, and they weren't more creative. Hitting your head repeatedly against a wall is not a cool way to die. Nor is it particularly fun to watch.

* After making two great movies (THE SIXTH SENSE and UNBREAKABLE), one decent movie (SIGNS), one worrying movie (THE VILLAGE), and one incomprehensible movie (THE LADY IN THE WATER), M. Night Shyamalan has lost his mind. THE HAPPENING crosses over beyond bad and enters waters only Uwe Boll has previously dared to swim.

* Mark Wahlberg (THE DEPARTED) is awful in this movie. He's not necessarily any worse than anyone else in this film, but we have come to expect better from him. He seems to emote primarily by bugging his eyes out crazily. Half the time he doesn't appear to know what's going on around him; I kept waiting for him to yell, "Who are you people and why are we running through this field?" He's a science teacher, who keeps bursting fourth with asinine facts that in no way improve the story.

* Zooey Deschanel (THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY) is also a student of the eye-bugging acting school. And stating the obvious "Those are dead people." She plays Wahlberg's estranged wife who tearfully confesses she ate Italian pastries with another man. That's not a euphemism.

* John Leguizamo (MOULIN ROUGE!), who I love and think is generally wonderful, sweats a lot and abandons his young daughter in an insane gesture that pretty much represents the logic quotient of the film. He spouts random statistics and asks stupid math questions to distract people from corpses HANGING ABOVE THEM. Math makes everyone feel better. And, because I like him, he dies.

* There's a subplot involving a mood ring. Mark Wahlberg actually wears a mood ring. There are multiple conversations about a mood ring. I sincerely wish I was kidding.

* There is a whole discussion about the merits of hot dogs.

* Upon facing the possible destruction of the human race, and finding more and more bodies, with nowhere to turn and in a desperate situation, someone actually yells out, in abject horror, "CHEESE AND CRACKERS!"

* Mark Wahlberg says, "Duh." Without irony.

* Leguizamo's daughter is stuck with the two most irresponsible people on the planet. They claim to worry about her, and try to shield her from all the death. For about three seconds. Then Deschanel announces, yet again, "Everyone is dead." I'm sure there's a cut scene where she turns to the tearful, frightened child and states calmly, "Your parents are dead, and Santa's dead too."

* As if the kid's not traumatized enough, early in the film Deschanel gleefull tells her, (I'm paraphrasing) "We're the same! I don't like to show my emotions either." Congratulations, child, you're a cold bitch who's dead inside. Rejoice.

* In the middle of the running and all the dying and hysteria, two random teenagers try to discuss Wahlberg's marriage. While they're running.

* People run away from wind. Stop and ponder that. No, actually visualize this: people see wind in the trees and grass. They scream and run. They RUN. This is supposed to be a tense scene.

* There is not a single line of decent dialogue in the whole film. Not one. And why are people not more upset about all the death and suicide and crazy? Why are people not being airlifted out, or running screaming through the streets? Why, in short, does nobody act like a real human being?

* The only good scene in the whole movie involves Wahlberg and the little girl, and NO WORDS.

* The funniest bit in the whole cinematic abortion involves Wahlberg asking a plastic plant not to kill him. And it's not that funny.

* The scariest part of the whole movie is the crazy lady who Wahlberg and Deschanel decide to stay with. Crazy Lady has a life-sized doll in one of the bedrooms, which is never explained, and is only scary because dolls are freaking scary in general, especially life-sized ones.

* So. Due to idiocy, Walhberg is on one side of this field, but safe, and Deschanel and the little girl are on the other, but safe. The Windy Death Wind Of Doom is blowing fiercely. Now, even though they're all in doors, and can even talk through a Plot Device thoughtfully inserted by the director, Wahlberg decides they're all going to die. And that when he kills himself, he wants to do it with the woman he loves. Because that's romantic.

*So Wahlberg leaves his SAFE, UNINFECTED hiding place and walks across the field to die. We can only assume that he thought the wind was going to last forever, that it was the unending wind of his nightmares. I'm from the northeast, and generally our winds don't last that long. Like, if he'd waited five minutes everything would have been cool.

* Seeing this idiotic display of suicidal thinking that actually hints Wahlberg was infected the whole time, Deschanel TAKES THE LITTLE GIRL SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE PROTECTING AND LEADS HER TO HER DEATH. After PROMISING her now-dead friend that she'll watch the daughter, SHE LEADS HER OUT INTO THE FIELD TO DIE. AND EVERYONE IS OK WITH THIS.

* They don't die. Because love conquers all, including homicidal plants. Disturbingly, these two geniuses not only adopt the little girl, they spawn.

* Then the French get it. Sequel: Le Happening: Vengeance Des Pissenlits.

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I Can't Wait Til I'm Old Enough To Feel Ways About Stuff!

Blog
* Title is from Futurama.

Review Of Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen
* WARNING: MASSIVE SPOILERS BELOW. IF YOU INTEND TO SEE THIS MOVIE AND DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE ENDING, OR MAJOR PLOT POINTS, DO NOT READ THIS.

I liked the first Transformers movie. I did. I loved the show when I was little, and I made the toys join forces with my My Little Ponies and dinosaurs to overthrow the cruel dictatorship of Barbie (what?). It was a dumb, fun, explody Michael Bay movie, which is what I expected. And John Turturro is all sorts of great. And I may have cried rather a lot at the scene where the police capture Bumblebee and Sam screams at them. The point I'm trying to make is, I am a girl who likes big dumb movies, provided they are fun and entertaining and have explosions of awesome. I would rather sit through a fun stupid movie than a pretentious 'good' movie, which is why I prefer From Dusk Till Dawn to Forrest Gump.

HOWEVER.

The second Transformers movie, which I saw at the behest of my younger brother, has raised a MYRIAD of questions, and therefore the rest of my review will be ordered as such.
- How did the Fallen fail to WIPE OUT early man? 17,000 BC was a LONG TIME AGO, and throwing a SPEAR at a Transformer would make for a laughably short film. Which would have made me happy.

- Why do the twin Autobahns talk like rappers? Do they have faulty wiring, or is that intentional? How are they twins? HOW DO TRANSFORMERS REPRODUCE?

- Why is Josh Duhamel so distractingly sexy? And why is he in this movie? And WHY did Tyrese agree to endorse almost every racial stereotype out there?

- How did Michael Bay manage to get in swine flu jokes? Was he running screaming into post-production, dragging a confused and frightened Shia LaBouf in his wake, howling, "WE NEED TO MAKE TIMELY REFERENCES, DAMMIT."

- Does President Obama like the fact that his name is mentioned in this film? And that he spends part of the movie hiding in a bunker in the middle of the country? I feel like he's going to put a cigarette out on Michael Bay's arm for that one.

- Has it really taken TWO YEARS for someone in the government to mention the location of the Allspark? Wouldn't they discuss that, you know, rather frequently, to make sure that it was safe?

- If every time you touch the Allspark you get a blast of alien memory-crazy, wouldn't there be quite a few government employees scribbling shit all over the walls and generally being unpleasant? Or was everyone using gloves all the time, even though as far as they knew it was a hunk of ROCK?

- Why is Megan Fox's voice so freakishly annoying? And why is she FIXATED on Sam telling her he loves her? And why are Sam's parents so charmed with his girlfriend's habit of TAKING OFF HER PANTS ON THE FRONT LAWN?

- Why are there three - I counted, there are THREE - scenes in this movie about animal/robot humping? Two with dogs, and one with a robot and Megan Fox's leg, and Sam is THREATENED by this.

- WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU MICHAEL BAY? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO KILL OPTIMUS PRIME? SCORCESE COULD GET AWAY WITH THAT. NOT YOU. STOP KILLING MY CHILDHOOD ICONS.

- Why is Bumblebee barely in this movie? He was the best part of the first one, and he's my favorite, and he was barely around, except to chauffeur people to and from danger, and SPRAY YELLOW FLUID on girls. AND DID HE KNOW SHE WAS A FREAKY TERMINATOR RIP-OFF, or does he just really like Megan Fox?

- If Transformers can transform into humans, why didn't one transform into Megan Fox to get the information from Sam? And why did the robot feel the need to sex Sam up to get the information? AND WHY DID THAT THING COME OUT OF HER BUTT?

- Why, John Turturro, WHY? YOU WERE IN MILLER'S CROSSING. THE COEN BROTHERS ARE SO DISAPPOINTED.

- Did anyone, really, need to see John's ass at this point in the game? AND WHO WEARS A JOCK-STRAP?

- When did 'taser' become synonymous with 'humor'? Actually, that did have moments of funny, but it was overused. When people get tasered they seize and flop around on the floor. The only funny bit was when John dragged the twitching kid through the Smithsonian.

- Why do they always show Americans hating to eating snails? I LOVE ESCARGOT. Why can Americans never be even a LITTLE cultured? ALSO, how awful is it for Sam's mother to stand, stoned in the courtyard of his new college, and loudly tell people about how she was in the house when he 'popped his cherry'?

- When the world is ENDING and the sun's going to explode/melt/disappear/I don't know, why is Megan Fox STILL whining about Sam not saying he loves her? IS THIS REALLY PERTINENT? And does she really believe the Magic of Love brought Sam back to life?

- What is the POINT of Sam's roommate, except to be shrill and cry and get tasered a lot and have a horrible time?

- In the Big Epic Last Scene, when Sam is trying to get the Matrix to the dead Optimus, the Decepticons are all trying to smush or blow the shit out of him, even though they NEED The Magic Fairy Powder of Life that he has put in his SOCK and blowing him up will not HELP the SITUATION. My question is this: Sam is small and frail and has something they need. Optimus Prime is huge and unarmed and DEAD. WHY WOULDN'T THEY BLOW UP OPTIMUS PRIME? I didn't WANT them to, I'm just saying, THAT would have made SENSE.

- Does Michael Bay have a problem with women? Because the human women all suck in this movie, and the robot women all die.

- If they have a big sucky Decepticon (literally sucky) why didn't they just use the Big Sucky Decepticon to suck up all the Autobahns?

- WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN THIS MOVIE? Really, I do not know. Everyone wanted to kill everyone, and Sam was flailing and awkward (and I do think LaBouf is a solid actor, and he had some good moments even in this) and the Prime ghosts brought Sam back from the dead and there was this whole plot about letting your kids go, only sometimes they go off and DIE only to come back magically, and WHAT was the deal with the old robot babbling and DROOLING everywhere, and even though it was sweet that he sacrificed himself for Optimus, doesn't using his bits to make Optimus stronger strike anyone else as morbid?

There's more, but I'm getting shouty. LIKE REALLY SHOUTY. GOD. I DO NOT ASK MUCH FROM MINDLESS SUMMER ENTERTAINMENT, BUT DO NOT INSULT ME. There was an awful lot of talking for an action movie, and even if they WERE giant robots doing the talking, that does NOT make it more interesting.

AND AND that scene where Josh Duhamel tricks the whiny guy into FALLING OUT OF THE PLANE was upsetting, even if Mr. Duhamel is idiotically charming.

Can I say anything good about this movie? Well, it probably doesn't cause cancer. And Rainn Wilson's cameo is hilarious. That's two things. Don't push it.

This is Michael Bay's computer keyboard:

[Found at WorldOfWonder]

I'm going to go scrape the confusion and PAIN off my brain now.
- LV

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Technology Makes My Eyes Bleed

I'm on Technorati now! I'm a real blogger - all grown up. I'm also number 2,515,283. That's kind of depressing. Can over two and half million people really be that much more interesting than me? Probably, yeah. But damn it, I will not let people who might be better than me reap rewards I selfishly want! Wow, that was remarkably pretentious. I frighten myself.

Ugly Bettly was on tonight. Finally. And it was one of the most fucked up episodes ever. Seriously, this is a week of damaged, mind-fucking TV. I'm almost done with the Heroes DVDs, which is as diseased a show as I have ever seen. Gloriously sick. House was - well, he was House, and it was House. That's to be expected. I'm prepared emotionally for that show to screw with my head. But Ugly Betty? Suffice it to say, the episode was inarguably briliantly shot and the acting blew my small and shallow mind. It was also devastating. I'm a weeper. I cry at everything on TV/in movies/in books. But this was just heartbreaking.

SPOILER FOR SEASON PREMIERE OF UGLY BETTY:
Santos died. I knew he died. There was no way Hilda would be that completely shattered if he was just injured. But the show decided to fuck with its loyal viewers. The whole episode shows Hilda and Santos - injured, but very much alive - sitting in her bedroom. They talk. She shows him her wedding dress. He reads her his vows. And then Betty walks in, and finds her sister alone in a dark room. It was completely shocking. Even though I was sure Santos was dead, I believed everything was OK. Instead, the writers took a really bold risk, and it paid off exponentially. And Eric Mabius, who plays Daniel Meade, deserves massive praise for his performance in this episode. Sitting at his sister's bedside, his face completely falls apart. It's an honest, intense moment that makes you want to hug strangers. Or maybe just me. And Henry's back! Amazing episode. This season will rule.

Easter Promises: First off, Viggo Mortensen has never been one of those guys I freak out over. I think he's an amazing actor, and I enjoy his work, but he's never reduced me to a drooling puddle of idiocy. Admittedly, he's pretty fucking hot in this movie. The man looks good in a suit. This has nothing to do with the movie. Just felt like mentioning it.

Naomi Watts does little more than allow Mortensen to play off of her. That in no way undermines her own performance. She's excellent, and you feel for the character. But Mortensen owns this movie. Much like A History Of Violence, this is his movie. All other aspects fade under his awe-inspiring work. He and Cronenberg make ass-kicking cinema.

And, because I am weird like this, I must mention the nakedness. Mortensen is totally naked for several long, long minutes. But, since it's a Cronenberg movie, it's a totally twisted scene, so the nudity isn't exactly pornorific. Cronenberg likes to do that. He takes a normal scene, and skullfucks it until you don't trust anything anymore. David Cronenberg rocks my socks. Cronenberg for President '08. Hey, imagine the ads. Eastern Promises gets four stars out of five.

That's all for the moment. Go add me on Technorati. Please? In return I'll... do something. I don't know. Answer questions about the deep mysteries of the universe. Or bring you cookies. From the store.
- LV

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Day 33 Of Unemployment: Mini-Post - Review of 'Halloween'

My review of Halloween, directed by Rob Zombie:

Denial: Surely nobody could possibly make such a bad movie. Certainly nobody involved with Grindhouse. And obviously nobody could badly remake such a brilliant film (ignores Psycho, The Fog, The Haunting, Alfie, Wild Wild West, House Of Wax, The Truth About Charlie, The Pink Panther, Down To Earth, and most remakes ever.)

Anger: WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WATCH? WHAT MANNER OF BULLSHIT IS THIS? WHY IS EVERYONE A HICK? HOW MANY BORING TEENAGE HUMPING SESSIONS CAN ONE MOVIE HAVE? WHY IS THE DOCTOR DRESSED LIKE ANDY WARHOL?! WHAT TESTICLE-CHOPPING MONSTER CONVINCED DANNY TREJO TO SOIL HIMSELF IN THIS FILM? WHY IS THE CREEPY KID SO VERY ANNOYING, AND HIS HAIR SO VERY LONG? I HATE EVERYONE! IT BURNS!

Bargaining: Please, please, Hollywood - I'll give you my firstborn if you stop raping the past. Please? And my spleen. Just make the bad men stop.

Depression: There will never be a good movie again. Film is dead, and I was at its final, gasping moments of agony.

Acceptance: I survived Wild Wild West on the big screen - I will survive this. But I must spread the word, so that nobody will ever suffer like I have.
- LV

PS Here are a few GOOD remakes to help with your therapy, if you were unlucky enough to think Halloween would be a fun, stupid movie, and were as traumatized as I am by the actual results:
* Dawn of the Dead
* Charlie & The Chocolate Factory (I actually like it better than the Gene Wilder version - it sticks closer to the book, and doesn't have the scary tunnel sequence)
* His Girl Friday
* The Thomas Crown Affair
* The Fly
* The Ring
* Ocean's 11
* The Manchurian Candidate
* The Maltese Falcon
* King Kong

PPSS I saw Britney Spears' VMA performance on YouTube. It was more terrifying than anything in Halloween.

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