I Tried To Stay In The Car. I Really Did!

Blog
* He's lying, you know. He didn't try to stay in the car AT ALL. Title is from Castle, which got renewed!

People I Love
* Kelly Osbourne looks awesome (and I want her hair), her fiancee is adorable and practically clear he is so pale and blonde, and her dress amuses me to no end:

[Found at World of Wonder]
Really, how do I get that hair color? We as a society need to make this happen.

Geek Want
* When did sneakers become so amazingly cool again? And can we possibly get some Firefly sneakers? OOH, or Doctor Who-themed Converse, in honor of David Tennant? I HAVE SHOE IDEAS THAT THE WORLD NEEDS. Ahem. Here are Paper Mario Nikes:

[Found at Like Cool]
Oh, but my Imaginary Sneakers Of Super Awesome wouldn't be almost $200. That amount of money doesn't exist! HAHA.... I want to go shopping.

Food!Fail
* After multiple cakes of adorable charm, I figured I'd show you one that will crush your soul and destroy the very fiber of your being:

[Found at Very Demotivational]
Saddest. Cake. Ever.

Technology
* Here's a guide for watching porn on your iPad at work. I don't have an iPad, I don't watch porn (especially at work), and to be honest the fact that this article exists makes me want to sob over the fate of society. People, please: WAIT UNTIL YOU GET HOME TO ENJOY PORNOGRAPHY. Or at least aren't at work. I know it's about office work, but I just keep thinking about airplane pilots doing this, and I have ENOUGH PLANE ANXIETY AS IT IS, OK?

Life Lessons
* I love Spongebob, and I will not apologize for that. Plankton and Squidward are brilliant. And after a long day at work, sometimes I want to watch a talking sponge go jellyfishing with a squirrel, OK? I DON'T JUDGE YOUR LIFE. And while there are endless jokes involving Spongebob, and drugs, few are quite so accurate. Here's your handy guide for the spongey chemicals.:

[Found at Friggin Random]
Oh, and one episode definitely had a joke about Spongebob innocently delivering drugs to Patrick. For reals.

Daily Hot Guy

[Sam Trammell, AKA Sam Merlotte from True Blood. Have I mentioned I miss True Blood? In the South, everyone has amazing supernatural sex all the time and drinks and eats insane food. It's on HBO, so you know it's true.]

Daily Icon

[Sophia Loren, proof that goddesses do walk among us, and maybe if we stand close to them we can absorb some of their fabulosity.]

Movie!Win
* Have you seen The Raven? It's six minutes of epic fucking genius:

Avatar can EAT ME, I'll just watch this for two hours. And you know what? I'll be HAPPIER.

Wow
* Guys, what do you even want me to say here? What COULD I SAY? I just... I don't know. Nothing makes sense anymore. It's been a weird week, with a lot of stress, and I don't even OWN any chicken memorabilia:

[Found at The World's Best Ever]
To quote Warren Ellis, NO CHIKKINS.

WTF, INTERNET
* Ladies and gentlemen, I present a reusable Pokemon Maxi Pad. So when women have their period, they look at Pikachu:

[Found at Neatorama]
This is either the best thing or the worst thing ever to have happened in the history of the universe. I don't know. I can't decide. It's sort of hilarious, and entertaining, but it's Pokemon and I don't know. I'm more alarmed that someone looked at a Pokemon and decided to create a maxi pad. Who looks at Pikachu and thinks, "Wow, I'd love to BLEED ALL OVER THAT ONCE A MONTH?" I DEMAND AN ANSWER. Or maybe not. Maybe some things are best left unknown.
And maybe it's just me, but I don't much like the idea of Pokemon leaping into my lower orifice.

Animals
* BABY WOMBAT BABY WOMBAT IT IS SO TINY AND WEE AND BABY WOMBAT:

[Found at Daily Mail]
Wombats are native to New Jersey, right? I CAN HAZ? I'll name him Sigfried, and he can sleep at the foot of my bed with my dog and cat. BABY WOMBAT.

Music
* If Lady Gaga, Beyonce, and Metallica all had a huge orgy and then a hideous freak baby emerged from that unholy union, this is what we'd get:

I've named it MetalliGaga. Featuring Beyonce.

TeeVee
* I am full of conflict. For years, FOX has been the Evil TV Overlord. They cancel ALL the shows I love, and make me cry, and fuck up the order of the episodes they do air (remember what they did to Firefly? DO YOU?) or they cut the number (Arrested Development) and basically take every show I love and shit all over it, leaving me a miserable and angry fangirl shouting into the void of the internet, while Life, Unexpected gets renewed on the CW (I have never seen this show, but the commercials were so obnoxious that I hate the show forever now) (CW is still the WB, no matter what ANYONE says).

But the winds are changing. No, really. This year, FOX made Glee, and they renewed Human Target AND Lie To Me, when common sense insisted that one of them would get the axe, which made me enormously happy, because now I have snarky British Tim Roth AND Jackie Earle Haley on a weekly basis. So apparently FOX is taking a break from making me sad, since they already cancelled Dollhouse a while back.

BUT BUT now NBC is being dickish. As I mentioned, they cancelled Heroes. And while I love the show (I have to admit Igave up this season because I had no idea what was going on, and nobody seemed to have any clue what they were doing, and Hiro was sad all the time, and Sylar was more whiny than insane/sexy, among other reasons) it was time for it to go. It had a good few years (its first season remains genius) and deserves to step out with dignity (and a return of Christopher Eccleston as Crazy Invisible Pigeon Man Of Secks?).

Unfortunately, NBC has decided to steal the Dickish Network title from FOX, for reasons I cannot comprehend, and is just ENDING the series on a CLIFFHANGER, and not even giving us a series finale TV movie episode THING. AND THAT IS HORSE-SHIT. LV DOES NOT APPROVE IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM. The show was really good, and juggled some very complex (occassionally demented) plot lines, and ROBERT FORRESTER WAS A VILLAIN, DUDES. AND SULU WAS ON IT. SULU. SULU WILL FUCK A BITCH UP. God dammit, I'm remembering how much I used to love the show.

OK, new plan: Sylar and Peter Petrelli team up and fight the NBC Executive assholes, shirtless, and Hiro makes that adorable wobbly face, and Sulu KILLS EVERYONE, and then the cute boys all kiss, and Claire falls down a well (OH, and Ali Larter, who does not have a power but a DISORDER) the end.

I miss Heroes.
- LV

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Clouds Don't Kill People. People Kill People.

Blog
* What if people killed people, only with the mighty power of clouds? Did I just blow your mind? HA, a wind joke... don't look at me. Title is from Psych.

* April I will be blogging every day for NaBloPoMo, because the blogging here has been disgraceful. Really, there is dust everywhere, no one has been in here to blog in ages, and IS THAT A ROACH? SOMEONE KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Music
* I am going to pimp out my friend Danielle's EP, Stagefright at Traffic Lights, because A) she is brilliant and beautiful and Irish, B) she is a wonderful friend, and C) the EP is remarkable. My personal favorite song is 'Pact,' but her piano work and lyrics are lovely, funny, and sad. It's dark, clever cabaret, and worth a listen. You can sample the songs for free, but you need to download the album to get two secret tracks. Oh, and Danielle is also a writer, a blogger, and I think I need to go visit her in October at Octocon, FOR SCIENCE.

Whut?

[Found at VeryDemotivational.com]
I get it's supposed to be a joke, but Patrick Star over in the corner is REALLY freaking me out. Also, WHAT?

Food!Win
* See, this cake is too cute to eat, which I think is rude.

[Found at Geekologie]
How can I eat something so adorable and sweet and wholesome? ....OK, I would, but I'd feel guilty about it. Really guilty. There would be tears. Remember that Simpsons episode where Homer had to eat Pinchie, because Pinchie would have wanted it? Yeah, basically that, only me weeping between bites of cake, whimpering, "Why did you have to be so delicious, Wall-E, stop staring at me is that real buttercream icing?"

Words Of Win
* See, guys, it's stuff like this that makes people hate America:

[Found at FailBlog]
Hell, I hate us, and I live here. Oh, and I really wish they'd put an apostrophe in "you'd," because that is how my brain works.

Fandom
* Did you know you can buy a replica of the dagger Jake used in Avatar?

[Found at Nerd Approved]
For $129, you can immediately ostracize the many, many people who didn't like Avatar (or, like me, thought it was overrated, and preferred the original version, AKA Ferngully: The Last Rainforest).

But you know what you can't buy? The best picture Oscar, HAH. It's OK, James Cameron is wiping his tears with $100 bills, while I make nasty comments about his expensive memorabilia. So everyone wins, really. Remember when Avatar lost the Oscar to a movie that didn't involve hair!sex? Yeah, I was excited. I'm sorry, it was a beautiful movie - really, visually gorgeous and I want to be Sigourney Weaver when I grow up, but I am an immature young lady, and I cannot get past the fact that they ran around STICKING THEIR BODY PARTS IN LIVING THINGS. It's rude. I'm sorry, this is the last rant on Avatar ever. It's time to let it go. I must be stronger than my exasperation.

What was I talking about? Oh, the daggers. They're very pretty.

People I Love
* Did I ever tell you guys about the time Warren Ellis Tweeted me, and I was so worried I'd say something to inspire his much-deserved wrath that I had to turn off my laptop and go drink some tea, to calm down? Probably, because I love and fear Warren Ellis and the awful things he says. I also love Twitter, to the point where my private account has a shameful number of Tweets that speaks of serious problems, but I never use my Facebook, so it evens out, RIGHT?

Anyway. This is how Warren Ellis refers to Twitter:

Twitter: A Shitbox For Your Brain

And thus it is. I mean, look at what he writes on Twitter. BEHOLD:

* Haven’t trimmed my beard in so long that it’s gone from Crackling Virility Hedge to Hobo Rape Thicket.

If Twitter is a Shitbox for your brain, there are disturbing implications about my need to compulsively Tweet my irritation over toilet paper commercials.

(WHY BEARS? SOMEONE EXPLAIN HOW THIS WILL SELL ME A PRODUCT).

Love and fear are both part of the Warren Ellis packet. And sometimes some nausea. Also, I really really need this Brain Bleach Mug, so someone should buy it for me. I'll blog more! And... drink coffee from it, probably.

Daily Hot Guy
[Misha Collins, AKA Castiel from Supernatural, AKA "I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition," AKA BAMF ANGEL, AKA did you know his appearance is based on Constantine from Hellblazer? Yes, I have a problem with him. No, I don't want to talk about it. 2010: The Year Of Hot Badass Angels. And LV said it was good.]

Daily Icon

[Carrie Fisher, inarguable proof that you can be a total hottie, an actress, an author, a memoirist, and a brilliantly funny human being. And have a sense of humor about your gold bathing suit.]

Awesome
* It's funny because it's true. And it explains why blogging in the morning can be nigh on impossible, when there is suddenly decaffeinated coffee in the vicinity. What is the point of decaf? TO DESTROY LIVES AND BLOGS, THAT'S THE POINT.

[Found at The Oatmeal]
There are four more phases, and only two of them are good. The other two... we don't talk about those. You can't crash if you NEVER STOP DRINKING CAFFEINE. No, I never abused my caps lock key before I started ingesting energy drinks on a daily basis, why do you ask?

Technology
* I usually blame the failings of technology on the evil demons that live in the internet, or my own near-legendary skill to destroy things without trying. So when this reason came up in the Bastard Operator From Hell-Style Excuses Server, I felt JUSTIFIED:

Daemon escaped from pentagram .

The excuses on this page for server errors make me happy, and I think if we all used them constantly, the world would be a better place. Now someone go redraw the pentagram. And get more rock salt.

Life Lessons
* I don't know if Millarca made this or just found it, but either way it is the ultimate and final truth:

If she and Freddie Mercury joined forces, the universe would be a fabulous and lovely place. Why is this not the way life is?

Movie!Win
* Yes, this is very old, but you know what? Win is Win, and I demand that some of these improbable movie trading cards exist, RIGHT NOW:

[Found at Automatic Lifestyle Dispenser]
I would buy Barton Fink trading cards. I would buy them like nobody's business. And Miller's Crossing trading cards. Man, that was a fantastic movie. Oh, and remember The Hudsucker Proxy? I love the Coen brothers. And they seem like they'd make trading cards, don't they? This feels so right.

Wow
* Sometimes, I really and truly believe that the internet was created with the sole purpose of slowly driving us all insane:

[Found at LikeCool]
Why? Who looks at a mosquito (one of the most evil creatures on the planet, and right up there with raisins and clowns on the list of Things LV Hates & Fears), and thinks, 'Gee, wouldn't it be super-nifty if mosquitos were mated with elephants, and destroyed civilization by SMOOSHING US, THEN SUCKING THE SMOOSHED BLOOD?' You know what? I don't want to know the logic there. Mosquitos are evil, and I hate them, and now I need a tennis racket for when it gets warmer, because these things are coming.

Yes, artistically it's gorgeous and well-done, but let's forget that and focus on the abject horror here. And why do I feel like the elephant is undressing me with his eyes? I'm all sorts of uncomfortable.

WTF, INTERNET?
* You know what? It's images like these that make me want to give up on this category, because there is HONESTLY NOTHING I could write that would in any way enhance the insanity of this product:

[Found at Nerd Approved]
It's a Screaming Condom USB drive. Yeah. You know, I don't get paid for this. And if I did, I'd be demanding a raise, because HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE ANY JOKES ABOUT A SCREAMING CONDOM USB DRIVE? THE PRODUCT IS THE JOKE. SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE.

Now I have a headache, and a pervasive fear that a random blue condom will show up and scream at me, and I will never know why. Well played, Internet.
- LV

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So The Main Causes Of Accidents Are Joy, Sex, & Old Age?

Blog
* Yeah, actually, that's a fair statement. Title is from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

* So, remember guys, I'm going to be gone from Friday 12 February to Sunday 21 February, in England. I make NO promises to blog or do anything like that. I will simply take a shitload of pictures of England and the awesome that occurs there, which I will probably post on my return.

Fandom
* This poster makes me happy every damn time I look at it:

see more deMotivational Posters

Awesome
* Why is this a fail? I think people should be able to buy these for everyone. I want one. They're GENIUS:

[Found at Failblog]
I'm not kidding. This could be the best Valentine ever.

Food!Fail
* This list of things you can spread on bread is a total fucking fail, because it mocks mayonnaise. Mayonnaise is the ambrosia of the gods. I put it on everything. No, really, one of my favorite snacks is dark chocolate with mayonnaise. DON'T KNOCK IT UNTIL YOU TRY IT. God, you close-minded monsters make me sick. MAYONNAISE IS GOOD.

Technology
* I don't know about you, but I don't remember shit about being in utero. I don't really remember anything before the age of four, and most of my four-year-old memories involve The Land Before Time, (AKA the best goddamn movie EVER). What I'm trying to say is, I don't get the need to have the collection of cells in your tummy listen to 'My Humps':

[Found at Like Cool]
Oh, and this line really scares me:

"Researchers have demonstrated that reactive listening begins at 16 weeks, when your wee geek-to-be is roughly the size of a tasty avocado."

Partly because that's highly debateable, but mostly because now whenever someone tells me they're pregnant, I will instantly think, 'WHAT SIZE FRUIT IS THE FETUS?'

Politics
* I love Rahm Emanuel. He is like the Ari Gold of politics. He loses his shit and he says things and everyone freaks out, and it's awesome:

Monstrous hypertension record-setter Rahm Emanuel has A LOT OF SHIT TO DO AND DOESN’T HAVE TIME TO FUCKING HOST THIS FUCKING PANSY-ASS ROUNDTABLE SHIT, but he will GET IT OVER WITH and then will you people SHUT THE FUCK UP FINALLY. Apparently apologizing for a PRIVATE FUCKING REMARK wasn’t good enough for the FUCKING SHRIVERS and now what, he has to KISS SOME SHRIVER’S ASSHOLE and host a DELEGATION ARE YOU SERIOUS JESUS CHRIST OF FUCKING R–… WHATEVER YOU FUCKING CALL THEM… AT THE WHITE HOUSE, are you SERIOUS? FINE, let’s just FUCKING DO THIS…

(For my part, I think everyone overreacted, it wasn't like he screamed obscenities from the White House Press Room (although if he does, I want every YouTube video of that, EVER).

Oh, and Mr. Emanuel was a ballet dancer, which makes me love him so much for so many reasons.

If you say anything about his tights, he will motherfucking wreck you, bitches.

Life Lessons
* The lovely and brilliant Metalouise sent me this, and it cheered me up on a bad day, and more importantly exposed me to the GROSS INCOMPETENCE of our educational system:

Also, kids, remember you can always use the gasoline fires to cook your dog! Just another fun tip from Aunty Elle! Now fetch me a bottle of vodka and some smokes.

Daily Hot Guy

[Alan Rickman, who has rendered it impossible for me to see the new Robin Hood movie, because there is NO OTHER Sheriff of Nottingham beside him, YOU FOOLS.]

Movie!Win
* District 9 is an Oscar nominated film, and this makes me all sorts of happy. So does this interview with Terri Tatchell, writer of the screenplay and wife of director Neill Blomkamp. But no sequels, please, unless you can GUARANTEE the same degree of genius. PS. Ms. Tatchell, don't be nice to Avatar. DON'T ENCOURAGE TALL BLUE HAIR!SEX.

Daily Icon

[Lady Gaga, who is talented, smart, unapologetically weird, and most of all encourages you to celebrate who you are, bizarre as that may be. PLUS, she's short and from New York, and THAT means we should be friends and hang out and she should take me shopping. And I love the placement of that tattoo on her arm.]

Wow
* Dear Universe: If you need to make yet ANOTHER Friday the 13th remake (PLEASE DON'T), I think you need to give Jason this Hello Kitty Chainsaw:

[Found at Like Cool]
Because at the very least, if the movie sucks, I can laugh maliciously as Hello Kitty slaughters half-naked teens.

It's the SNOWPOCALYPSE! SNOWMAGEDDON. SNOWMG. Etc. I have the day off from work.
- LV

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If She Talked Any More Shit She'd Be Shaped Like A Toilet.

Blog
* COMING UP NEXT WEEK: People-shaped toilets! Brought to you by the internet! Title is from True Blood.

Words of Win
* I have some issues with this story:

A 14-YEAR-OLD boy drank gasoline for five years to obtain “energy” – just as his idols “Bumble Bee” or “Optimus Prime” do in “Transformers,” the Sichuan-based West China Metropolis Daily reported yesterday.

A) This kid drank gasoline for five YEARS? HOW IS HE ALIVE?
B) His parents knew about this and DID NOTHING? I don't have kids, but if I did, and I found my child drinking gasoline to be like a giant robot, I'd switch it, I don't know, APPLE JUICE? Something that won't STRIP YOUR INNARDS?
C) He kept this up for five years? Wouldn't you give up after a year or two when you didn't become a giant, super-powerful robot? Maybe I just lack conviction.
D) GASOLINE?

Doctor Who
* Yay, a new Doctor Who audio book read by David Tennent! Ten lives on forever!

`Hello, I'm the Doctor. And, if you can hear this, then one of us is going to die.'

.......Or not. Wait, can I have a third option?

Epic!Fail
* You know what?

see more deMotivational Posters
I'll use the other bathroom. You can use this one. The fact that this picture exists has ruined all of my Friday. It's just Photoshopped, RIGHT?

People I Love
* If it were not for the internet, I might never have seen this inexplicable and frankly fabulous picture:

[Found at Oh No They Didn't]
I take back everything bad I said about the interwebz.
(Note: No, I don't know, nor do I care. Really, I don't know why Quentin Tarantino is biting Christoph Waltz's ear. I HAVE NO IDEA. Some mysteries are best left unsolved]

Daily Hot Guy

[Bruce Campbell as Sam from Burn Notice. You know, Bruce Campbell visited the Virgin Islands once. Now they're The Islands.]

Childhood!Fail
* When I was a kid, my mom read me The Runaway Bunny:

[Found at World of Wonder]
And The Giving Tree. And my parents punished me by sending me to my room, not hinting that I could possibly be SENT AWAY to experience satanic ritual abuse.

Times have changed.

Daily Icon

[Vivien Leigh, actress, fashion fierceness, and BAMF English lady who could out-Southern the Southern Belles. Also Ophelia, Cleopatra, and Blanche Du Bois, among others. Most famously, Scarlett O'Hara, a shrewd bitch and brutally pragmatic woman who took no shit, and rocked some dressed I want. Requested by Alchemistique, who stole Scarlett's wardrobe.]

Awesome
* Whoever sent me this, thank you. I hated Forrest Gump. I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR THIS. Except for Gary Sinise, who was a burning hunk of genius.


Fandom
* Yeah, this dress is not sexy, and I am not wearing it:

[Found at Like Cool]
The girl isn't helping matters. Her expression says, 'Yeah, can I have my paycheck and go wash the stink of failure from my skin?'
Can we just bring NES back?

Food!Fail
* It's things like this that make me profoundly grateful my grandmother does not read this blog. She's Italian, and takes cooking very, very seriously:

[Found at This Is Why You're Fat]
And I'm sure that ravioli stuffed with barbecued rib meat and mashed potatoes, sour cream, bacon and chives, all topped with melted cheddar, bacon, cheese sauce, green onions and shredded cheese breaks every taboo in her book of food.

Although then maybe I'd get an exclusive on a story like, 'Tiny Elderly Italian Woman Beats The Everloving Fuck Out Of Whoever Desecrated The Ravioli.' She would.

Technology
* Why, no, I haven't run out of iPad jokes, why do you ask?


Politics
* James O'Keefe is not a nice person. In fact, he is a shit head. He's not a political figure, so maybe this doesn't actually belong in this category, but he fucked with ACORN and now is fucking with New Orleans, and NOBODY would think that scrawny little piece of fail was a pimp. Oh, and he doesn't seem to like women, or people who are different races, or anybody who's not him. Can I see your cane for a minute, James?

* This photo of Scott Brown, like the iPad, NEVER stops being funny:

[Found at The ISS]
Hey, if the dude can be a naked politician, more power to him. I just think it's funny how naked he is, in Cosmopolitan. Oh, and the Democrats consider this guy to be the Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse, when we all know it's a tall blue alien that wants to sex us with his hair.

Yes, I'm still pissed about Avatar.

Dollhouse
* Um, so reading this recap of the final episode of Dollhouse made me cry, which was surprising. I mean, the show was criminally uneven, with some of the worst episodes Joss Whedon has ever done, and some of the best episodes of any show he's ever done (Truth. There are a couple of Dollhouse episodes that rank as his finest work).

But I loved it, and I loved Topher and Alpha Wash, and I cried a few times at the series finale (AND AT ELIZA DUSHKU. I apologize for doubting you. You were fabulous.) and now I'm sort of pissed at Joss Whedon for not keeping the show consistently good.

THERE WAS POTENTIAL. AND FRAN KRANZ MAKES ME SHOUTY BECAUSE HE AND ALPHA WASH SHOULD TEAM UP WITH DR. HORRIBLE.

Anyway, all my above natterings are meaningless, because of one line in this article:

(Dear Christopher Nolan: Alan Tudyk should be the new Joker. Love, Everybody Who Knows What's Up.)

HOLY GOD. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE GENIUS THAT HAS BEEN UNLEASHED ON US? I WOULD SEE THIS. I WOULD SEE THE SHIT OUT OF THIS. HE COULD PWN CHRISTIAN BALE AND NOT EVEN BREAK A SWEAT. MY BRAIN IS SO HAPPY WITH THIS IDEA. AND DAVID TENNANT AS THE RIDDLER? I... I need to go lie down....

In other news, I need to knit a mustache for my shark. LITERALLY.
- LV

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Hey, I Couldn't Help But Notice How Much You Look Like Everybody Else!

Blog
* Nothing attracts men more than being nondescript! Title is from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

* I blogged every day this month. I deserve a damn reward of some sort. REWARD ME.

Awesome
* This dude duct-taped his plane together to fly home:

[Found at Unique Daily]
THEN HE FLEW IT HOME. He flew home via the power of duct tape and his own mad genius. That is awesome, so long as I do not have to be IN the duct tape plane. I don't think I'd handle that well. I dislike regular planes. WIthout duct tape.

Fandom
* Russell T. Davies and Joss Whedon, the two men who most consistently break my heart via television, are merged into a glorious collaboration of credits:

AND NO ONE DIES, SIRS. YOU SEE HOW NICE IT IS WHEN YOU DON'T DESTROY EVERYTHING GOOD AND PURE? ....I'm sorry. I watched the series finale of Dollhouse. And I just purchased Torchwood: Children of the Earth. These men are NOT on my good side.

Food!Fail
* I love junk food. I do. I think White Castle is the height of fast food, and if it's unhealthy, I will probably be first in line to eat it.
Hand over the french fries, and most of you will live.

But I do not delude myself into thinking fast food is healthy. Of course it's not healthy. That's the POINT. It's like when I went to a baseball game and they listed the calories for every food item. NO ONE on the planet thinks that a deep fried cheese-filled pretzel is good for you. But it is delicious.

Which brings me to Taco Bell. Taco Bell is good, NOT good for you. Taco Bell is delicious and delightful, and I would NEVER in a million years imagine it as being healthful. SO DO NOT TRY, OK?

WHAT? NO. LET MY FAST FOOD BE UNHEALTHY. IF I WANT HEALTHY, I'LL GO ORDER A FREAKING BAKED POTATO AT WENDY'S.
Click here to see a longer commercial, with full-commentary by the ISS. I'm going to go deep fry some butter.

Technology
* I have a slogan for the good folks at iPad: "For that heavy flow.... of information, use an iPad!" (Please don't send Steve Jobs to turn off my computer, I need it).
And the mockery continues, indefinitely:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

How can you NOT? Here's a name: iTab, It makes me think of the soda, but at least I don't immediately think of women's feminine products.

Politics
* I really, really like Jenny Sandford, soon-to-be-ex-wife of Mark 'I Cry When I Get Caught Being A Complete Shithead' Sandford. His wife is a smart, classy woman. She did not stand beside her husband while he spouted a torrential flow of bullshit, and CRIED (I'm sorry, but it cracks me up. You are lying to EVERYONE, and leaving your state, which needs you due to economic FREE-FALL, and you go off to bang your girlfriend, you get caught, and you cry? Dude. At least have the balls to man up.). Jenny Sandford focused instead on her sons', and her own well-being, and refused to be party to her husband's pity parade.

I do not agree with her on many issues (or any, I think), but she is a very smart lady with morals and ethics and a sense of self, and I would be delighted if more women like her joined the political arena. At this point, with the parties so divided and everyone freaking out at the opposite side, I think it would be a nice change to really respect the person you're debating.

PS Her husband is the Nite Owl of American politics. He cries naked in his Basement of Shame.

Daily Hot Guy

[Tom Felton from the Harry Potter series, looking every bit the smug, condescending bastard from high school that you hated so much you totally wanted to make out with him... or was that just me? Smug, condescending bastards are sexy, in an angry way. Admit it.]

Dollhouse
* Look, I'm upset about Dollhouse getting cancelled, too, but this is hardly the time to- Oh, forget it:

[Found at Emails From Crazy People]
Priorities? Anyone? No?

Daily Icon

[Patti Smith, punk rock poet, lover of Robert Mapplethorpe, singer supreme, writer, political activist, and one of my biggest heroes. If Ms. Smith saw what had become of CBGBs, she'd rain down eternal hellfire and damnation on everyone involved. Plus she totally covered a Bruce Springsteen song, and lived in Jersey for a time. SO JERSEY WINS HA.]

Nostalgia!Win
* Remember My So-Called Life? Back before I hated Claire Danes, and back when everyone wanted to lose their virginity to Jordan Catalano? Great show. Anyway, then Claire Danes made me hate her through excessive suck, and Jared Leto stopped bathing, which is something only CERTAIN people can pull off. But lo, a change has come:

[Found at World of Wonder]
His hair may have distinct hints of Twilight sparkle!fail, but you know what? His outfit reminds me of David Bowie, so I am going to pretend Jared Leto is going to play David Bowie in a movie. That's right, I'm starting an internet rumor. Spread the word.

Movie!Fail
* Dear Matt Dillion:

NO.
Love, LV
PS You rocked in To Die For!

Want
* SHELVES FROM THE FUTURE:

[Found at Like Cool]
Well, not from the future, but techno-cool, yes? I'd like them. I shall line them with books by Stephen Hawking (who is, in fact, god). TRUTH.

OK, it's Sunday, it's cold.... yeah. I got nothing.
- LV

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I'm In Pain! I Think This Is What Pain Feels Like!

Blog
* Captain Hammer. The hammer is his penis. Title is from Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog.

Doctor Who
* First off, stop saying 'Geronimo' when discussing the Eleventh Doctor. IT IS NOT A GOOD CATCH PHRASE, people. Second, this analysis of the Doctor Who trailer makes me SAD. I get that David Tennant is gone. I am coming to terms with that. But the Doctor has a GUN. I was upset when Ten had a gun. Eleven did not earn that gun. AND HIS HAIR CONTINUES TO BOTHER ME. CUT YOUR HAIR, TIME LORD.

[Found at io9]
I can't decide if I really love this picture, or think he resembles a young Tom Cruise, which is NOT what I want in the Doctor.

Food!Fail
* See, it's categories like this, and more specifically pictures like this, that make me reconsider writing this blog first thing in the morning:

[Found at This Is Why You're Fat]
I mean, COME ON. That's gross. I can barely handle a cup of COFFEE at this point in the day. I am NOT prepared for Spam Wontons:

Mushroom stuffed with Spam, mayo and garlic, wrapped in a wonton skin and deep fried.

And I am a girl who likes mayo. It's like the best condiment, ever. And mushrooms are ambrosia. But.... look, talk to me after a few energy drinks, and maybe I'll try one, OK? I'M JUST A PERSON. A PERSON WHO NEEDS MORE CAFFEINE.

Technology
* I want a see-through computer screen:

[Found at Geekologie]
Why? Because it's super-cool and high-tech looking and super-awesome, and sometimes super-cool things are ENOUGH, right?

Fandom
* This is an awesome fucking picture:

Harley and Ivy by ~darkravenkiki on deviantART
I want to be Harley Quinn when I grow up.

People I Love

Best. Userpic. Ever.

Zombies
* This just in: Zombieland writers can write whatever the HELL they want, because their rules will keep your sorry ass ALIVE come the zombie apocalypse. So if they want to write G.I. Joe 2, it will be good. SUCH IS THE WORD. That I just wrote.

Politics
* I actually like John McCain, (although I disagree with his politics, he is a smart man, although I'm still cross about Sarah Palin, but that's another story), but this is NOT a good radio advertisement, Senator:

Voice: We know what he endured.
Turned down the chance to go home early.
It was against the prisoner’s code.

Read the rest here. Look, I have nothing but respect for Senator McCain's service to this country and what he sacrificed. But is that really relevant to his being Senator of Arizona? It is? Oh. I did not know that. Never mind, then. I just thought, maybe, we could hear about his stance on issues... no? Do not question the radio advertisements? OK, then.

Daily Hot Guy

[Richard Ayoade, AKA Maurice Moss from The IT Crowd, and my future husband. Really, I have a shameless crush on him, and want to protect him and his hot ear from the world. In this picture, by the way, does he not look like a deliciously mad scientist? LOOK at that trench coat. I apologize for NOTHING.]

Epic Fail
* IN FLORIDA, THEY WILL SEND GRANDMA TO JAIL FOR SPEEDING:

A 78-year-old woman spent more than two weeks in jail, including Thanksgiving, because her case slipped through the courtroom cracks.

But what about her family? Didn't anyone go, 'Where's granny?' NOBODY? EVERYONE FAILS HERE.

Awesome
* ALL HAIL THE KRAKEN:

HAIL IT.

Moment Of Win
* The most terrifying words a parent can hear: "Hey, remember the car?"

see more Epic Fails

Movie!Win
Christoph Waltz won the Golden Globe for Inglourious Basterds, and Quentin Tarantino looked good. I am well-pleased. That doesn't mean I understood his acceptance speech, except that maybe Quentin Tarantino has powers mere mortals cannot comprehend? But who DOESN'T know that?


LV is a Basterd.
- LV

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