Alan Moore Always Asks For The Same Christmas Gift: A Box Of Smurfs & A Sledgehammer.

Heroes
* I have sat patiently through six episodes of Niki whining, Peter crying about his misunderstood hair, and Hiro being so adorable he could bring me to tears. This is all good. I forgot that I really liked Claire, and thought she could actually act. But I am losing control. I need my Sylar. And while his Fortress of Crazy-tude was awesome and very scary, and Mohinder was all freaked (understandably, since his father effectively unleashed Mr. BatShit onto the world), I need MORE. He'd better be on the disc tonight. That's all I'm saying. (Note: I have seen every episode before, just not in a while. I am rewatching. But I apparently reordered the episodes in my head, because I thought Sylar showed up in like, episode three. Clearly, I fail).


Nature
* Here's a picture of a horse with a mustache:

[Found at Neatorama]

Star Trek
* Here's an article on the Six Most Ridiculous Star Trek species:

I think I went to college with this guy.

Bad Life Choices
* A man cut off his own finger to protest overdue wages. Yeah, this is logic I do not follow in any way. Sorry, dude.

Depression Session
* I have to say, I am fairly excited for the collapse of the economy and the rise of the zombies. I mean, we will all be calling for help on hand-cranked phones that we can charge in hollow logs.

[Found at BoingBoing]
Of course, no one will be there to hear your screams, except the hungry undead.

Comics
* New Comic Day, you are like a weekly holiday where I have to pay money for delights! Here are the new releases.

And I apologize for forgetting to put Chekov on my survey (which you all need to vote on, as the winner will get a HUGE IMAGE POST, and I have a lot of pictures on my hard drive that need to be set free. SO vote) and if you want to write him in in the comments section, I will count those accordingly.

Oh, and I wrote 130 pages of my book, which is exciting only to me.

I get to see Star Trek again soon, but nobody wants to sit next to me in the theater because I punch people whenever Spock comes onscreen. I did the same with Rorschach. I don't do it on PURPOSE. I just get excited to see them, and take it out on the shoulder of whoever is sitting next to me. Love HURTS.

I want to go shopping. With Spock. And Russell Brand. That would be a HILARIOUS sit-com.

OK, time to go to work.
- LV

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Alan Moore Likes His Emo Kids Sunny Side Up.

Life
* Mondays suck, rainy Mondays really suck, rainy Mondays where your getting yelled at but you're not listening because the coffee hasn't kicked in yet... pretty normal, actually.

Bad Life Choices
* I'm not CERTAIN, but if you don't want your boyfriend to drive anywhere drunk, there might be a better option than repeatedly ramming his car with your car, while your kids shriek in terror in the backseat. No judgement, but... yeah. This would not be the first idea that came to mind, if I were in that situation. Even shooting out his tires would have worked better.

O.M.G.
* I am loving real-life superheroes. And now there will be supervillians, and soon a giant squid will DESTROY everything you love, and I am totally comfortable with life imitating art, so long as it is art I like, and not Twilight.

Swine Flu
* This 28 Days Later-ing of Swine Flu is closer to the truth than I would like.

Day 23
I’m weaker every day, but I only slightly regret locking us in this building without food or water. A few more employees were (probably) infected with the virus, so I reluctantly dispatched them and even more reluctantly made a series of hats. I am the slayer of the infected, destroyer of the lost souls and manufacturer of fancy face hats. All those infected will run when they see me, because I’m so hella good at killing them.

I'm pretty sure this has already happened in California.

UnCategorized
* This was hard to categorize, as you will see. These are puppies that glow in the dark. Beagle puppies.

[Found at BoingBoing]
No, really, listen: They put a sea anemone gene in the beagle puppies, and now they glow in the dark. On one hand, GLOW IN THE DARK PUPPIES FTW. Because seriously, awesome. On the other, are we really exerting time, energy, and money, on making our pets fluorescent? Because we kind of have a few issues that might require your attention? No? You need to make cats that stick to things next? OK. Then I will take your mutant puppy supply, for further research. And give them ALL stupid names like 'Lite-Brite.'

Hipsters
* Did you know making fun of hipsters makes you just as bad as them only worse actually, because they have elaborate hair and makeup and irony, and you are just jealous and insecure? I lived in the East Village, hub and mecca of hipsterdom. I have, at times, lived with hipsters. I know several personally. I do not mind them, any more than I mind any group. I mind the ones that would yell at me for being a 'pawn of the system' for liking Green Day, or calling me a 'suburban tool' and then flounce off to Starbucks and their parent's penthouses. You want to have insane hair? Go for it. I like your hair. But shut the fuck up, leave me alone, and I'll do the same, OK? A cease-fire is in order between the Hipsters and Everyone Else. Also, you like Lady Gaga, which i INEXCUSABLE.

Want
* Michel Gondry, director of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and gentle alien, is selling caricatures for $20 and reasons I will never comprehend. And toilet rolls. This is TRUE. You can buy Michel Gondry toilet paper. I don't even understand this at all, but I must make these things mine, just so I can end arguments with, 'Well, I have Michel Gondry toilet paper.' 'What?' 'Exactly. I win. Fuck you.' Then I mace then and run off into the night.

Remake Fail
* OK, I like James Marsden because A) He's very attractive, even if he does look UNCANNILY like my ex-boyfriend, which is sometimes awkward, B) He was adorable beyond words in Enchanted and can actually sing quite well, C) He made me like Cyclops, despite X-Men's best efforts to make me HATE him. But we do not need a remake of Straw Dogs. I'm not saying it won't be interesting, or that Marsden isn't a good actor (I think he might be a little underrated, maybe because he insists on sometimes being in shit). I'm saying this is a movie we do not need. Dustin Hoffman is not going to be pleased, and as well all learned from Watchmen, short people are the WORST kind of people to fuck with.

Movies
* I had such a huge crush on Joseph Gordon-Levitt when he was in such things as 3rd Rock From the Sun and 10 Things I Hate About You, and I'm very pleased he morphed into a Sirious Akter with Mysterious Skin, Brick, and The Lookout. And Chris Nolan is Chris 'I made the goddamn Dark Knight' Nolan. So no bad can come from this movie, ever. Also, they both worked with Heath Ledger. Weird, right?

Team Campbell
* I am officially a Campbellian in the war against William Shatner (see Shatner Quake for details). Why? My leader has a big chin, AND he kills evil dead, AND he kicks the cojones of Duran Duran. That's why, my friends. That's why.

Yeah, he should start a real cult. I'd join it.

Moment of Win

See More Demotivational Posters



Comics
* Starstruck, one of the best comics you've never heard of, is coming back into print. Rejoice, and buy.

Politics
* Joe Biden will be leaving our diseased shores, to protect him from the angry Public Transportation Armada, who is pissed that our Vice President thinks that maybe you should avoid cramped spaces with sick people. I love this because everyone freaked out, except Joe Biden, who doesn't give a shit.

TwiHate
* AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh, I'm sorry, but this is fucking PRICELESS. The dude paid to direct Eclipse, part who gives a crap of the Twilight abomination, mocked the series. How great is that? Even people PAID to like this shit, or at least pretend, cannot contain their bile for this douchery! This almost - ALMOST - makes me want to see this. Because maybe he'll sabotage it. Like, I don't know, hire me to do the special effects, or get Rob Zombie's wife to play a nun, or something. I have ideas, David Slade! Call me!

WTF, INTERNET?
* This looks like something for a colon search. A colon search from HELL. Dick Cheney's colon search. It frightens me. You are NOT getting near me with one of those. It's a microscope and a flashlight, which would be incredibly useful in a number of situations, but does it HAVE to look like something Dr. Giggles would make?

[Found at CrunchGear]
Also it has a USB interface, so you can torture someone's organs, then upload the video to YouTube.

Time to go to work!
- LV

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Alan Moore's Tears Cure Cancer. Too Bad He Has Never Cried.

TwiHate
* Hello. My name is Elle, and I'm here today to talk to you about Twilight contact lenses. Prove your fandom is eternal, and make someone fall in love with your penetrating yellow eyes!

These are the golden eyes of Edward, bastion of all perfection in male. You can have YOUR boyfriend wear them, and pretend he is someone else! Don't have a boyfriend? No problem! Put on the contacts, and stare at yourself in the mirror and pretend you are not terribly, terribly alone. Like Edward. Edward would understand your unique pain.

Have a bad streak? Then try out these contacts, and you can pretend to be James, one of the Vampires Who Fails To Be Edward. He is evil, because he eats people and tries to BREAK UP BELLA AND EDWARD YOU CAN'T STOP THEIR LOVE. But if you like some danger in your life, pick up these red contacts, which will in no way hinder your social or professional life! Twilight forever!

Relationships
* Valentine's Day sucks. We can all agree on that, yes? But may we just need some honesty in our commercial displays of affection:

[Found at Cracked]
Then again, maybe not.

Fashion
* When I showed this picture to my friend Arre, her first response was, 'That dude is so gay":

[Found at GoFugYourself]
This is very funny for a lot of reasons.

Comics
* Oh, Sherlock Holmes in comic form, you join all my loves together, and I cannot wait to make you mine, as you so desperately need to be. And you are easy on the eyes:

[Found at Newsarama]
Leah Moore is writing it (I WANT HER LIFE), and Aaron Douglas' art is kind of perfect. And I think it's out tomorrow. TO THE COMIC SHOP: AWAY!

Bad Life Choices
* Barack Obama or Tim Roth? Fox went with the latter, because English accents and snark always beat out real political figures, no matter how badass they may be. Or maybe they just HATE Barack Obama, which is why they have decided to air "Lie To Me" instead of the President's address. File this under Bad Life Choices.

Depression Session
* This is a funny/terrifying analysis of how America is changing to deal with the economy, and why we're all screwed, and how we're adapting. Also how nobody is moving, and college is pointless, and you should sell all your fancy shit online before nobody is out there to buy it. Why so serious?

Girly Shit
* This is some lipstick I want, because it is pretty:

[Found at MakeupAndBeautyBlog]
Also because all MY makeup is so old that is has become a uniform green color, and while I love the Swamp Thing comics, I have no desire to emulate his aesthetic sensibilities.
We now return to our regularly scheduled programming.

Tattoos
* A great article on tattoo regret, how to avoid it, and such other pressing issues. By these standards, both my tattoos are WIN. As if you ever had any doubt.

Tattoo Of Win
* Speaking of tattoo regrets, this is a tattoo no one should ever regret, because WTF?

[Found at LolTatz]
This picture appears on the internet a lot, but it's worth showing again. There is a LOT going on here. Not only is it Patrick Swayze, and not only is he a freaking CENTAUR (and who hasn't dreamt of him putting Baby in the corner and then having Baby muck out his stall and clean his hooves?) Plus the purple rainclouds and the rainbows. And how could we forget the sleeveless tuxedo? Clearly, this Centaur-Swayze is ready to party AND fuck people up. Well played, random tattooed person.

Books
* Oh, fucking hell. Orson Scott Card is supporting those NOM lunatics with the ridiculous ads who basically don't want anyone to have any rights, unless they are white and straight and Republican? WHY?! Mr. Card, you wrote Ender's Game. You are an integral part of my childhood. So why the fucktard? Explain, please. This whole thing makes me so sad. Because while you are entitled to your opinion on this matter, even if it goes against my own beliefs, alining yourself with a bunch of hysterical shit-kickers makes me want to seriously discuss your mental health.

* This is Russell Brand's website. According to it, he is working on Booky Wook 2. I am all tingly. Also, you should follow him on Twitter, because the daily dose of funny/sexy/sunny/fexy/FIERCE HAIR will keep you strong during tough times.

Food
* Why does it always have to be bacon? I eat bacon every morning, and I love it and it is delicious, and bacon on a sandwich raises it to orgasmic levels, but why does every food post involve bacon? Why aren't there other foods that inspire such devotion? And who looks at bacon and thinks, 'Strawberry-flavored gummis'?:

[Found at Geekologie]
Bacon: A mysterious and delicious invention.

Words Of Win

[Found at JustWhatever]

Zombies
* Swine flu? Or just a clever cover-up for the ZOMBIFICATION of our world?!

see more pwn and owned pictures
THE WRITING IS ON THE WALL. ARM YOURSELVES. IT'S ALREADY HERE.

The Crazy
* I love actress Bai Ling, because she is NUTS. She's not pretending to be insane, she is, and yet she is allowed to wander around among normal people, and sometimes SPEAK to them, and wear outfits that frighten and confuse those of us without her intellect. Here is an interview with her. Did you know she's going to win an Oscar? ALL THE OSCARS? And then she will grind them up and sprinkle them in her hair and wrap herself in the Red Carpet and wear it to the Grammy's. Also, a little spirit inside her is crazy and demands that she wear Band Aids of Truth. I COULD NOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP.

Politics
* In case you doubted that Bill O'Reilly is completely and utterly full of shit, read this. Does Bill not understand how history works? Or cameras? OR REALITY? WHY IS THIS MORNING SO CONFUSING AND SHOUTY?!

Movies
* Oh, Michael Cera, you are all that is cute and awkward, and if I had dated someone like in high school instead of the guys I actually dated, I would be a happier person today. So I will go see your new movie, which is a quasi-documentary about Love, and I will continue to support you. But if you in ANY way prevent Arrested Development from reincarnating itself as the Best Movie Ever, I will yell about you constantly online, and sharpen weapons. And cry. And sue you for making me cry. Neither of us need such complications. You are so delightfully awkward!

[Found at SlashFilm]
Shit, how much younger than me ARE you?

WTF, INTERNET?
* This is not new, but it is real, and people have purchased it. This handy flowchart explains how, if you do not reserve a spot in heaven, you will obviously end up in hell:

[Found at StrangeNewProducts]
THIS IS REAL. And there are different classes of heaven-bound people. And... oh, my god. I have to directly quote these people:

Discounts
We can offer group discounts on parties larger than 10. If you would like to make a reservation for a larger party then Contact Us and we will work with you to make sure you are taken care of.

This exclusive package contains all necessary materials to get you into Heaven and experience all of the elite areas that are normally off-limits to normal citizens. If you want the entire Heaven experience then this is your package.
Heavenly issued certificate of reservation registered in the Book of Light™
A First class ticket to Heaven. Why walk those stairs when you can fly?
The Official Heaven Identification Card (laminated) so you can get around without getting hassled.
Heaven 101 mini informational guide. Don’t be a victim of culture shock. Get acquainted with the land..
All access VIP pass (laminated). This pass will grant you access to “VIP exclusive areas” including the Land of Milk and Honey and Thug Mansion, where all the elite get together and kick it.

I think it's a joke. I hope it's a joke. I REALLY, really do. Because if it is, haha, funny, OK. But come on - there are at least a few people out there who buy into this. And THAT is why our species is doomed to extinction.

Later today will be more Rorschach images. Contain your excitement, IF YOU CAN.
- LVba

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Alan Moore Can Hear Everything. Alan Moore Can Hear The Shrieking Terror In Your Soul.

I have decided that, on days when I have the time and inclination and material, I will post more often. Yes, this is historic. Share it with your loved ones. I'm very tired. My dog woke me up at 6:30 AM, and I'm only on my third cup of coffee. Unacceptable. And remember, later today I will be posting images/quotes/goodness pertaining to Watchmen's favorite Mad Catalyst For Misery And Pool Table Fan, The Comedian. So, you know, keep an eye out for that.

TV
* Oh Warren Ellis, is there anything you CAN'T make better? If there is, I don't want to know about it. Leave me to my ignorance, you mad, wondrous creature you. Why you did not write the upcoming GI Joe movie (which features former Doctor Who Christopher Eccleston, which makes me cry little salty tears of horror) is a mystery for the ages. Here's your version of the animated show:

[Found at BoingBoing]

Moment Of Win

[Found at FunPic]
I don't know what this sign is trying to prove, aside from the fact that religion as a whole needs a new PR agent. How many car accidents has this sign caused?

NEW CATEGORY - Depression Session
* This will be focused on funny/sad/helpful tidbits about the Depression we're all facing (Oh, I'm sorry, 'economic freefall' has been determined to be less frightening to the masses).

*This is the sort of thing that will cause class wars. Rich people complaining that they are... ready?.... slightly less rich. They're recycling, now. They fly commercial. Now, I flew commercial nine hours to Europe, and cried the whole way (so much so that the person next to me actually asked to be moved), so I know it sucks. But I would never be ass enough to run around going, "Oh, darn, I have to fly with all the stinky MORTALS, and if my husband hadn't DESTROYED the lives of possibly hundreds of thousands of people by being a selfish prick, I'd be eating caviar out of the asscrack of a male underwear model and having gold flakes applied to my toes, just because." First of all because my life is not like that, and never will be, because it sounds like the orgy scenes in 300. Do not want. But when people are starving, living in shacks, losing everything they've ever known, and working multiple jobs knowing full well they can't pay their bills, saying, "We’ve picked up new habits, like making donations anonymously and sneaking in late to black-tie galas after society photographer Patrick McMullan has packed up his camera and gone home." Truly, TARP Wife, your suffering is beyond the ken of the rest of us filthy masses.

People I Dislike
* I have never heard Lady Gaga's hit song, because I live in a musical vacuum where I sort of believe that if I cross my fingers and wish really hard and sacrifice enough kittens to Alan Moore's Snake God, Joey Ramone will return to life and Everclear will stop sucking and Tool will release albums more frequently. In short, all the bands I like are dead/suck now/defunct/insane geniuses who only tour when the mood suits them. I'm just saying, I know nothing of her artistic abilities.

But I do not like her. Why, you ask? Because she refuses to wear pants. Because she considers not wearing pants an art form. Because she wears shit like this:

[Found at GoFugYourself]
OK, I have a few questions: First of all, why won't you wear pants? I love pants. They are fashionable, and warm, and sexy. And pantyhose are not sexy. And your crotch is going to burst forth one day and blind everyone. This picture is giving me a wedgy. Your lipstick makes me furious, like "HAS NO TOLD YOU HOW TO APPLY MAKEUP?!" I do love your hair, but it's not enough. I also read somewhere that it's not actually raining OR sunny in this picture. You just like having an umbrella around you, because you're a WACKY ARTIST. You're not screaming "LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOVE ME GOD I'M ALONE" or anything.

And your boots. Where the fuck did you get those things? Where does one acquire such things? They're like.... thigh high Timberlands. Were these custom made? Did you spot them at a thrift store and just HAVE to have them? Also, you ARE wearing a jacket, but you appear to be wearing a bra under that jacket WITHOUT a shirt, and no pants, so overall, I hate you and everything you represent, and I'm sure I'll see you here again, soon.

In the interest of unbiased journalism (and morbid curiosity ) I just watched two Lady Gaga videos on YouTube (Love Game and the infamous Poker Face. And thank God, I don't really like either song. She reminds me of Britney with a better voice and without the excuse of mental illness. Or a pretentious, artsy pseudo-intellectual Christina Aguilera. Honestly, I'd rather listen to Pink any day. She's fun, at least. And wears pants, usually. (Yes, I like Pink. I never claimed to have good music taste, and you know what? It's catchy and fun to box to, and some of her lyrics are good, and her ex-/future husband Carey Hart (who's hot) was in the music video for the song she wrote about how fucked up she was over their break-up, which is AWESOME. For some reason I can't embed the video, but you should watch it. Come on, it's the internet - nobody will ever know).

Music
* I've yelled about this before, so let's just say that Bono is the worst writer, ever, except for Stephenie Meyer, and if those two write a book together every author in the world will die instantly, from the nightmarish suck, so keep those two apart, OK?

Girly Shit
I really want to bleach my hair, but I don't think I can pull it off. Stupid Italian heritage. (If you've seen pictures I've posted, or look at my profile, give me your opinion.)

Tattoos
* The only thing worse than getting a tattoo in a language you don't understand? Getting a tattoo in a language you don't understand, and finding out later that it's incoherent bullshit. I agree with this article. If I went in to get my Rorschach tattoo, and it turned out that the image was actually from, I don't know, Sandman, how could I blame the artist? It's your artist's job to be safe, clean, professional, and interpret your tattoo wishes in a creative way. It is NOT their job to check your spelling. This is why you look at the goddamn stencils (it's even sadder to find misspelled tattoos in a language you've been raised in) and do your research. If your tattoo is done badly, or unsanitary, that's their fault. If you were too lazy to do extensive research on something that's going to be on your body FOREVER, who's fault is that?

Tattoo Of Win
In this case, yes, the title IS sarcastic. This is the most alarming goddamn tattoo I've seen all morning:

[Found at LolTatz]
You know what? I really DON'T want to know. I don't want an explanation. Nothing anyone could say could POSSIBLY make this OK. Ever. My need to go soak my eyes.

RIP
* I know it was a few days ago, but I'm still pretty bummed about JG Ballard. If you've never read his essays, you're really missing out. I enjoy them even more than his fiction.

WTF, INTERNET?
* OK, I'm OUT:

[Found at WorldOfWonder]
The Danish are FUCKED UP. I am pulling NOTHING out of an ass. It's not happening. I'll hold it in. Really, I can wait. And now I'm imagining that they used the brown, eco-friendly paper. I'm sorry. But really, this bodes well for NO ONE, culturally.

More later. I want to go to the comic store and clothes shopping bank to deposit money and be responsible with my limited funds, and I want to get some writing done, and I need to go get groceries. But at the least, there will be the Epic Comedian Post, and more than likely I will post again, because I can make monies of these bloggies America needs laughter.
- LV

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