If She Talked Any More Shit She'd Be Shaped Like A Toilet.

Blog
* COMING UP NEXT WEEK: People-shaped toilets! Brought to you by the internet! Title is from True Blood.

Words of Win
* I have some issues with this story:

A 14-YEAR-OLD boy drank gasoline for five years to obtain “energy” – just as his idols “Bumble Bee” or “Optimus Prime” do in “Transformers,” the Sichuan-based West China Metropolis Daily reported yesterday.

A) This kid drank gasoline for five YEARS? HOW IS HE ALIVE?
B) His parents knew about this and DID NOTHING? I don't have kids, but if I did, and I found my child drinking gasoline to be like a giant robot, I'd switch it, I don't know, APPLE JUICE? Something that won't STRIP YOUR INNARDS?
C) He kept this up for five years? Wouldn't you give up after a year or two when you didn't become a giant, super-powerful robot? Maybe I just lack conviction.
D) GASOLINE?

Doctor Who
* Yay, a new Doctor Who audio book read by David Tennent! Ten lives on forever!

`Hello, I'm the Doctor. And, if you can hear this, then one of us is going to die.'

.......Or not. Wait, can I have a third option?

Epic!Fail
* You know what?

see more deMotivational Posters
I'll use the other bathroom. You can use this one. The fact that this picture exists has ruined all of my Friday. It's just Photoshopped, RIGHT?

People I Love
* If it were not for the internet, I might never have seen this inexplicable and frankly fabulous picture:

[Found at Oh No They Didn't]
I take back everything bad I said about the interwebz.
(Note: No, I don't know, nor do I care. Really, I don't know why Quentin Tarantino is biting Christoph Waltz's ear. I HAVE NO IDEA. Some mysteries are best left unsolved]

Daily Hot Guy

[Bruce Campbell as Sam from Burn Notice. You know, Bruce Campbell visited the Virgin Islands once. Now they're The Islands.]

Childhood!Fail
* When I was a kid, my mom read me The Runaway Bunny:

[Found at World of Wonder]
And The Giving Tree. And my parents punished me by sending me to my room, not hinting that I could possibly be SENT AWAY to experience satanic ritual abuse.

Times have changed.

Daily Icon

[Vivien Leigh, actress, fashion fierceness, and BAMF English lady who could out-Southern the Southern Belles. Also Ophelia, Cleopatra, and Blanche Du Bois, among others. Most famously, Scarlett O'Hara, a shrewd bitch and brutally pragmatic woman who took no shit, and rocked some dressed I want. Requested by Alchemistique, who stole Scarlett's wardrobe.]

Awesome
* Whoever sent me this, thank you. I hated Forrest Gump. I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR THIS. Except for Gary Sinise, who was a burning hunk of genius.


Fandom
* Yeah, this dress is not sexy, and I am not wearing it:

[Found at Like Cool]
The girl isn't helping matters. Her expression says, 'Yeah, can I have my paycheck and go wash the stink of failure from my skin?'
Can we just bring NES back?

Food!Fail
* It's things like this that make me profoundly grateful my grandmother does not read this blog. She's Italian, and takes cooking very, very seriously:

[Found at This Is Why You're Fat]
And I'm sure that ravioli stuffed with barbecued rib meat and mashed potatoes, sour cream, bacon and chives, all topped with melted cheddar, bacon, cheese sauce, green onions and shredded cheese breaks every taboo in her book of food.

Although then maybe I'd get an exclusive on a story like, 'Tiny Elderly Italian Woman Beats The Everloving Fuck Out Of Whoever Desecrated The Ravioli.' She would.

Technology
* Why, no, I haven't run out of iPad jokes, why do you ask?


Politics
* James O'Keefe is not a nice person. In fact, he is a shit head. He's not a political figure, so maybe this doesn't actually belong in this category, but he fucked with ACORN and now is fucking with New Orleans, and NOBODY would think that scrawny little piece of fail was a pimp. Oh, and he doesn't seem to like women, or people who are different races, or anybody who's not him. Can I see your cane for a minute, James?

* This photo of Scott Brown, like the iPad, NEVER stops being funny:

[Found at The ISS]
Hey, if the dude can be a naked politician, more power to him. I just think it's funny how naked he is, in Cosmopolitan. Oh, and the Democrats consider this guy to be the Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse, when we all know it's a tall blue alien that wants to sex us with his hair.

Yes, I'm still pissed about Avatar.

Dollhouse
* Um, so reading this recap of the final episode of Dollhouse made me cry, which was surprising. I mean, the show was criminally uneven, with some of the worst episodes Joss Whedon has ever done, and some of the best episodes of any show he's ever done (Truth. There are a couple of Dollhouse episodes that rank as his finest work).

But I loved it, and I loved Topher and Alpha Wash, and I cried a few times at the series finale (AND AT ELIZA DUSHKU. I apologize for doubting you. You were fabulous.) and now I'm sort of pissed at Joss Whedon for not keeping the show consistently good.

THERE WAS POTENTIAL. AND FRAN KRANZ MAKES ME SHOUTY BECAUSE HE AND ALPHA WASH SHOULD TEAM UP WITH DR. HORRIBLE.

Anyway, all my above natterings are meaningless, because of one line in this article:

(Dear Christopher Nolan: Alan Tudyk should be the new Joker. Love, Everybody Who Knows What's Up.)

HOLY GOD. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE GENIUS THAT HAS BEEN UNLEASHED ON US? I WOULD SEE THIS. I WOULD SEE THE SHIT OUT OF THIS. HE COULD PWN CHRISTIAN BALE AND NOT EVEN BREAK A SWEAT. MY BRAIN IS SO HAPPY WITH THIS IDEA. AND DAVID TENNANT AS THE RIDDLER? I... I need to go lie down....

In other news, I need to knit a mustache for my shark. LITERALLY.
- LV

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Hey, I Couldn't Help But Notice How Much You Look Like Everybody Else!

Blog
* Nothing attracts men more than being nondescript! Title is from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

* I blogged every day this month. I deserve a damn reward of some sort. REWARD ME.

Awesome
* This dude duct-taped his plane together to fly home:

[Found at Unique Daily]
THEN HE FLEW IT HOME. He flew home via the power of duct tape and his own mad genius. That is awesome, so long as I do not have to be IN the duct tape plane. I don't think I'd handle that well. I dislike regular planes. WIthout duct tape.

Fandom
* Russell T. Davies and Joss Whedon, the two men who most consistently break my heart via television, are merged into a glorious collaboration of credits:

AND NO ONE DIES, SIRS. YOU SEE HOW NICE IT IS WHEN YOU DON'T DESTROY EVERYTHING GOOD AND PURE? ....I'm sorry. I watched the series finale of Dollhouse. And I just purchased Torchwood: Children of the Earth. These men are NOT on my good side.

Food!Fail
* I love junk food. I do. I think White Castle is the height of fast food, and if it's unhealthy, I will probably be first in line to eat it.
Hand over the french fries, and most of you will live.

But I do not delude myself into thinking fast food is healthy. Of course it's not healthy. That's the POINT. It's like when I went to a baseball game and they listed the calories for every food item. NO ONE on the planet thinks that a deep fried cheese-filled pretzel is good for you. But it is delicious.

Which brings me to Taco Bell. Taco Bell is good, NOT good for you. Taco Bell is delicious and delightful, and I would NEVER in a million years imagine it as being healthful. SO DO NOT TRY, OK?

WHAT? NO. LET MY FAST FOOD BE UNHEALTHY. IF I WANT HEALTHY, I'LL GO ORDER A FREAKING BAKED POTATO AT WENDY'S.
Click here to see a longer commercial, with full-commentary by the ISS. I'm going to go deep fry some butter.

Technology
* I have a slogan for the good folks at iPad: "For that heavy flow.... of information, use an iPad!" (Please don't send Steve Jobs to turn off my computer, I need it).
And the mockery continues, indefinitely:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

How can you NOT? Here's a name: iTab, It makes me think of the soda, but at least I don't immediately think of women's feminine products.

Politics
* I really, really like Jenny Sandford, soon-to-be-ex-wife of Mark 'I Cry When I Get Caught Being A Complete Shithead' Sandford. His wife is a smart, classy woman. She did not stand beside her husband while he spouted a torrential flow of bullshit, and CRIED (I'm sorry, but it cracks me up. You are lying to EVERYONE, and leaving your state, which needs you due to economic FREE-FALL, and you go off to bang your girlfriend, you get caught, and you cry? Dude. At least have the balls to man up.). Jenny Sandford focused instead on her sons', and her own well-being, and refused to be party to her husband's pity parade.

I do not agree with her on many issues (or any, I think), but she is a very smart lady with morals and ethics and a sense of self, and I would be delighted if more women like her joined the political arena. At this point, with the parties so divided and everyone freaking out at the opposite side, I think it would be a nice change to really respect the person you're debating.

PS Her husband is the Nite Owl of American politics. He cries naked in his Basement of Shame.

Daily Hot Guy

[Tom Felton from the Harry Potter series, looking every bit the smug, condescending bastard from high school that you hated so much you totally wanted to make out with him... or was that just me? Smug, condescending bastards are sexy, in an angry way. Admit it.]

Dollhouse
* Look, I'm upset about Dollhouse getting cancelled, too, but this is hardly the time to- Oh, forget it:

[Found at Emails From Crazy People]
Priorities? Anyone? No?

Daily Icon

[Patti Smith, punk rock poet, lover of Robert Mapplethorpe, singer supreme, writer, political activist, and one of my biggest heroes. If Ms. Smith saw what had become of CBGBs, she'd rain down eternal hellfire and damnation on everyone involved. Plus she totally covered a Bruce Springsteen song, and lived in Jersey for a time. SO JERSEY WINS HA.]

Nostalgia!Win
* Remember My So-Called Life? Back before I hated Claire Danes, and back when everyone wanted to lose their virginity to Jordan Catalano? Great show. Anyway, then Claire Danes made me hate her through excessive suck, and Jared Leto stopped bathing, which is something only CERTAIN people can pull off. But lo, a change has come:

[Found at World of Wonder]
His hair may have distinct hints of Twilight sparkle!fail, but you know what? His outfit reminds me of David Bowie, so I am going to pretend Jared Leto is going to play David Bowie in a movie. That's right, I'm starting an internet rumor. Spread the word.

Movie!Fail
* Dear Matt Dillion:

NO.
Love, LV
PS You rocked in To Die For!

Want
* SHELVES FROM THE FUTURE:

[Found at Like Cool]
Well, not from the future, but techno-cool, yes? I'd like them. I shall line them with books by Stephen Hawking (who is, in fact, god). TRUTH.

OK, it's Sunday, it's cold.... yeah. I got nothing.
- LV

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They're Like Sex, Except I'm Having Them!

Blog
* Oh, Fry. I don't know whether to judge you or hug you. Title is from Futurama.

* Sullen Skrewt is another one of those artists that I love because they're so talented, but I also sort of hate because they're so talented. I mean, LOOK AT THIS:

Joker abstract by *sullen-skrewt on deviantART
I LOVE this. Then again, Joker art needs to exist everywhere I am. I think my love outweighs the hate here, because she makes art of SUPREME WIN. When I'm rich, I will buy much of it. For my castle. In England. Shut up.

Freakangels Friday
* Huzzah, for Warren Ellis, eater of babies and fucker of zombies, has gifted us peons with another chapter of FREAKANGELS, and the world makes sense... until I stop reading, of course. Then it all goes to shit.

Daily Buy
* This warrants SUPER CAPSLOCKS.

[Found at Alter Ego Comics]
WHY DO I NOT OWN THIS DOC HOLLIDAY FIGURE? WHY IS IT NOT MINE? DOC FUCKING HOLLIDAY IS EASILY ONE OF THE TOP THREE MOST BAMF IN HISTORY, AND I LOVE HIM, AND NOW I NEED TO RENT TOMBSTONE.

Oh, and you can remove the pistol rounds, although I don't know WHY you'd want to do that. I just want to keep him safe from disease and loneliness. So, someone loan me $250, OK?

Holiday!Fail
* Well, if you need me, I'll be in the corner canceling Christmas:

[Found at Santa, No!]

Girly Shit
* I kind of stopped liking Salma Hayek after a while, because she got boring and stopped being made of epic win. But she looks fabulous in this Campari ad, and I think we all need to admit that:

[Found at Letters From The End Consumer]
Also her breasts have super-powers, and if she felt like it she could use them to rule the world. TRUTH.
PS, Salma, you were totally awesome in From Dusk 'Till Dawn, even if you did make Quentin Tarantino sad.

Dollhouse
* So when they announced the cancellation of Dollhouse, I didn't say much, nor was I that surprised, because:
A) It's FOX and Joss Whedon, and these things happen
B) Firefly got canceled, and Firefly was better than Dollhouse
C) Dollhouse only got renewed (in my opinion), because of the shit storm that followed the cancellation of Firefly
D) Dollhouse may have some of the best episodes Joss Whedon has ever filmed, but it's also his most uneven show yet.
E) While I have seen everything Joss Whedon has done, I am not a blind Whedonite. I thought Angel was better than Buffy, I am TIRED of his strong female lead, and I think Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog was his best work yet because he wasn't TRYING, he was just having fun.
F) I don't think Eliza Dushku is particularly fantastic, but what's worse, I dislike both Echo AND Caroline.

Don't get me wrong, I loved Dollhouse. Well, parts of it. I love Topher and Whiskey and of COURSE, I worship Alpha Wash.
Yeah, I was sad, but I wasn't surprised, and I don't think it was ENTIRELY unjustified (except that Omega One may be one of the best hours on TV ever).

THEN, of course, Joss Whedon has to go and SCREW WITH MY HEAD, AGAIN, by releasing some freaking AMAZING episodes that are epic and brilliant and clever and ALL the good words, and now I am upset it's being cancelled, and tonight Alpha Wash comes back, and it will make me feel worse that the show is being cancelled, because NOW you decide to be amazing, Mr. Whedon? THAT IS NOT FAIR.

Daily Hot Guy

[Eric Stoltz. THE STOLTZ. With a beard. You're welcome.]

Whut?

[Found at Geekologie]
It's a ring that features a dinosaur eating a fried chicken leg.

No, I don't know. And I don't plan on finding out.

Zombies
* ZOMBIE BOARD GAME:

[Found at Nerd Approved]
Teach your children about the End Of Times, and have fun too!

OK, Friday, let's go.
- LV

PS, if you aren't following this blog on Twitter, the forces of evil will descend upon your home. Not my fault. Just the way things ARE.

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She Undercut The Subtle Nuance Of My Wiener Joke!

Blog
* Title is from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Celebrity!Fail
* I had a great day yesterday. And I will discuss it at a later date, when I'm awake, and have enough caffeine in my system to function.
I'm saying this because I want you to understand that I am not showing you this video out of malice:

But it's Monday, and if that isn't the right time for Shaquille O'Neal to frighten the masses with his neon pink Speedo, I don't know what is.

Zombies
* Patrick Swayze was almost in Zombieland, spoofing Ghost. I didn't like Ghost that much, but Point Break is one of the best action movies ever made, and then Hot Fuzz made fun of it, and I loved it even more. And I still haven't seen Zombieland, which I will rectify this week.

Apocalypse How?
* We're making crises faster than we can solve them. So we're sort of overachievers. This should comfort us as we doom our species to extinction. I guess. I'm in too good a mood to be worried about the doom. You guys worry about it.

Conventions
* So the New York Comic Con is joining forces with the New York Anime Festival. This should be interesting. While there are a goodly number of fans that overlap in their loves of anime and comics, there will definitely be some strange interactions between the hardcore Manga fans and the uber-devoted classic comic fans. I hope some sociologists attend, for research.

Daily Hot Guy

[Clive Owen, who I sort of loved in Sin City, and was great in Croupier, but who I cannot think of in any role besides Shoot 'Em Up, because he KILLED SOMEONE WITH A CARROT. Requested by Kristamaru, who uses celery with terrifying and deadly force.]

Dollhouse
* I told you I'd catch up on Dollhouse, and I did. I thought Instinct showed some surprisingly good acting from Eliza Dushku (mainly the scene where Echo asks if she can be the mother), and in Belle Chose, I have decided that Enver Gjokaj may be the best actor on the show as Victor. Did you see him as Kiki? It was genius. Truly. Dude wins all the internets. Here's an interview with Joss Whedon. I still have faith in you, Mr. Whedon. And ALPHA WASH IS COMING BACK. And TV will be good again.

Epic!Fail
* The following is a list of people whose support of Roman Polanski makes me very, very sad:
Terry Zwigoff, Wim Wenders, Woody Allen, Pedro Almodovar, Wes Anderson, Darren Aronofsky, Monica Bellucci, Gael Garcia Bernal, Bernardo Bertolucci, Guillermo del Toro, Stephen Frears, Terry Gilliam, Emma Thompson, Salman Rushdie, Paul Auster, Jeremy Irons, Tilda Swinton....
There are a lot more, but after Tilda Swinton I stopped looking.

Books
* I love how angry fonts make some people. Especially Comic Sans. Which Watchmen did not invent. Because that would be awful.

Childhood!Fail
* Kids have changed:

Wyoming police say an 11-year-old boy driving a large SUV led officers on a high speed chase reaching speeds of 100 mph.

The boy ditched the vehicle and jumped into a lake and began swimming but returned to shore where police collared him.

When I was eleven, I thought I was a rebel for staying up late to watch Are You Afraid Of The Dark?

OK, must go do things now. It is Monday, after all.
- LV

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Neil, It's Your Grief Counselors. We've Come To Hug.

Blog
* Dean Winchester giving out free hugs? Totally worth zombie attacks. Title is from Supernatural.

* Michelle is my friend, but she's also an obscenely talented artist. Like, sometimes I look at her work, and think, 'dammit, why can't I draw ANYTHING?' My favorite is probably her drawing of Death. She's nearing 10,000 pageviews, which is badass, but she deserves many, many more. So go check out her gallery. And be sickened by how great she is.

* I don't know if she drew this because I mentioned them, or if Erin drew this for reasons I cannot begin to comprehend. Either way:

[Drawn by Erin]
I finally, for the first time, comprehend Stephen Colbert's intense hatred and fear of bears. They ARE godless killing machines!

Politics
* Crush videos are fetish movies of people killing small animals, often by 'crushing them.' Yeah, that is all sorts of fucked up The Supreme Court had hearings on crush videos earlier this week. There is NO defending this sort of behavior. But some people are. It is NOT the same as fishing. Fishing doesn't involve smooshing the fish for sexual pleasure, and if it DOES, you are DOING IT WRONG.

* My resolve to ignore Michael Steele because he's sort of an ineffective bozo has faded. Because he keeps talking, and I either A) understand what he's saying and hate him, or B) don't understand him at all, get angry about not understanding, and hate him.

* The band Muse, (brilliant band, incidentally, even if Stephenie Meyers is trying to ruin them for everyone), asked Glenn Beck to retract his endorsement of them and their music. Mr. Beck had stated that he loved the band, and thought everyone should buy the album.

“They would like me to retract my endorsement,” Beck told listeners. “My apologies to Muse for saying that I like them. I didn’t mean to destroy all their credibility and all their coolness.

“It’s an awful album and you should never go out and buy it.”

Um, you all know my issues with Glenn Beck, but I sort of think this is a funny way to respond. Like, it's clever. DAMMIT, GLENN BECK. DO NOT AMUSE ME AND BE UNEXPECTEDLY FUNNY.

Then it turns out, at the end of the article, that Muse never contacted Glenn Beck, OR DID THEY? I don't know. Either way, it's funny because A) The band may or may not have asked Glenn Beck to not sell their music to his fans, and B) Glenn Beck's answer was rather brilliant. There, you happy? I gave credit where it was deserved. Fair and balanced.

Food
* FINALLY. In college, I frequently made the joke that I wanted caffeine to be in powder form so I could roll in it, absorb it through the skin, stay up for two weeks, and finish all my assignments. So this is very gratifying:

[Found at Crunch Gear]

These are Pixy Stix, only with pure, delicious caffeine in them. Each tube has 20% more caffeine than a cup of coffee (of which I am on my third). That is epic. I am going to buy out the entire stock, catch up on all my writing assignments, and RUN across the country.

Celebrity!Fail
* How hard is it to not cheat on your spouse? If you stop liking them, break up with them. Or go to counseling. Whatever. I am not married, so I don't know what it's like to be in that situation. But honestly, I don't think David Letterman deserves any sort of support for admitting he screwed around. It' doesn't make him noble. You shouldn't cheat. Plus he's very old, and sort of gross, yeah? I don't want to think about him doing ANYTHING with ANYONE, ever. That's his punishment. He is now a never-nude.

And yes, his monologue was indeed amusing, but that is HARDLY a defense.

Zombies
* There are great moments in zombie history. You should study them, and learn from the mistakes of others, that you may survive the oncoming apocalypse. Except for Bruce Campbell. He never makes mistakes. It's a gift. And we all know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the original Night Of The Living Dead is the quintessential zombie movie. There is no debating this. It is a fact of life. Like air. Re-Animator made me afraid to own a cat. Or wary of roommates.

Apocalypse How?
* Sometimes a product comes along that is so horrifying, so intrinsically stupid and evil and wrong, that you can point to it and say, 'There. There is when society crumbled beneath our feet.'

And what the hell is wrong with the women at the beginning of this ad? Are they REALLY sad about cake and cupcakes? Are they evil? NOBODY is ever made sad by baked sweets.

And it's a cake. With filling. You don't need to BUY anything to make this. I want to hit someone with the pan. And I know people who want to buy this. It saddens me. Truly, the End is Nigh.

Daily Hot Guy

[Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who was rather a revelation on Third Rock From The Sun, and then was in Mysterious Skin, which was an excellent film I never want to see again, and this picture keeps making me think of Billy Crudup in Watchmen, when he was wearing all those motion-sensor dots. Requested by KaishaBackwards, who needs to explain the dots in this picture.]

Conventions
* As if you needed another reason to go to the Big Apple Comic Con, the New York Geekcast will be there, and you could hang out with them, or get to say hi if nothing else. Maybe I WILL go, after all.

Dollhouse
* I'm sorry, OK? I didn't watch Dollhouse last night. I was watching Lie To Me, and knitting, and I didn't feel like fighting with the members of my household for control over the television, so I didn't, OK? And I still haven't watched last week. This article analyzes why even people like me, who adore Joss Whedon and WANT to love his work, are struggling with Dollhouse.
But I've heard Alpha Wash is returning, and going to kill people, so I will catch up with the show, just for him.
Friend: What would you do if Alpha killed Topher?
Me: I think I'd just go into the fetal position for a while. Why would you suggest such a thing? Joss Whedon hears all!
Friend: That's what you get for making fun of my love of Twilight.
Me: Yeah, but that sucks.

Epic!Fail
* I really, really hate clowns:

So a clown that can start fires, with his mind, is pretty much the end of it all for me. Except maybe a clown-bear-spider. Dennis Quaid as a clown is just wrong. I can't even talk about this anymore.

Books
* The new Iain M. Banks book, Transition, is supposed to be a gorgeous mind-screw, and I intend to buy it today, and write a review. In part because I lost my list of books I've read this year when I changed my Blogger format, and I am saddened by this, because I had over fifty books on that list. And because you can never have enough books. This is truth.

Childhood!Fail

see more Epic Fails

Doctor Who
* Reason number infinity I need to movie to England/Wales/somewhere awesome: I would have already seen the Doctor Who Greatest Moments, as opposed to trolling YouTube for clips, and finding nothing. Anyway, I like English food. What? It's good.

Inglourious Basterds
* I want Quentin Tarantino to make a Western/Gangster/Musical. With Neil Patrick Harris, Tim Roth, Jackie Earle Haley, Jensen Ackles, and... um... Sacha Baron Cohen. Admit it, you'd see that movie. Everyone would see that movie. Even Tarantino haters would rush to this film.
I like this picture of Mr. Tarantino:

And on the Tarantino scale of ugly shirts, this may be one of the best.

OK, enough for now. Much to do. Busy-ness and such.

Tomorrow I may not be able to post a blog entry, because I'm going to have the Best Day Ever, so I will probably post another entry later today, or do a super-duper one Monday, or... something. I don't know. There will be something special tomorrow, to make up for me rushing off to enjoy the Best Day Ever. Yes, it needs capital letters. Some things just do.
- LV

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My World Is Crumbling Around Me.

Blog
* I say this often. Usually when the popcorn has burned, or my father has borrowed my car. Title is from Bone. I wish I had written it.

Conventions
* I NEED TO GO TO THE NEW ENGLAND FAN EXPERIENCE. LEONARD NIMOY WILL BE THERE AND GARETH DAVID-LLOYD AND Q. Q WILL BE THERE. EXCITEMENT.

Of course, I'd probably A) get arrested for hugging Mr. David-Lloyd around the middle and refusing to let go, weeping all the time, 'It's OK, Mr. Jones. It's OK now,' or B) make an ass of myself in front of Leonard Nimoy, which could only result in ritual suicide.

So. Who want's to go?

FlashForward
* This article on FlashForward is a bit old (it came out before last weeks' episode) but, like Lost, I think fans of the show need all the help they can get figuring out what the hell is going on.
I may like this better than Lost.

Dollhouse
* Um, I don't love the series. WAIT! I love Topher, and Alpha, and Whiskey, and everyone who isn't Echo. I just don't like Echo. At all. Or Caroline, for that matter. If the show were more ensemble, it would be better. Or if it was about Alpha. But I will continue to watch it and defend it, because I love the supporting characters so much, and 'Epitaph One' was an orgasm in TV form, and the premiere was fabulous. But Dollhouse isn't doing well. I suggest more Alpha.

Epic!Fail
* This was going to be a plain old Jersey!Fail, but when you read the bit below, you will understand why this story qualifies as EPIC:

'...a Superior Court judge dismissed animal-cruelty charges against a Moorestown police officer accused of sticking his penis into the mouths of five calves in rural Southampton in 2006, claiming a grand jury couldn't infer whether the cows had been "tormented" or "puzzled" by the situation...'

Dude also sexually assaulted three young girls, which is very fucked up because he was a COP, but in a different spectrum of bizarre from cow blow-jobs.. Maybe he should be in jail, and away from anything with an orifice? JUST A THOUGHT. YOU DO NOT DO THIS TO LIVING THINGS WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT. AND NEVER TO COWS. THAT'S JUST WRONG.

Books
* I bought books today. That's what credit cards are FOR, people. It's like Monopoly money. You don't have to pay it. I bought:
- The Fifth Elephant by Terry Pratchett
- Emotions Revealed by Paul Ekman
AND I got a discount, which made me happy. I would like to store my pretty new books betwixt these bookends:

[Found at Incredible Things]
Magnetic bookends. Why have these never existed before? It's so simple. And yet so genius. I could sit and stare at this for hours, marveling at the simple miracles of everyday life. With some alcohol.

Childhood!Fail
* Just once I'd like a poll to come out that shows that American kids AREN'T morons. I don't even think they make new polls anymore. This is probably the same one they showed when I was a kid, and everyone got up in arms for about thirty seconds over how dumb we all are, then we all wandered off and watched TV.

I got all the answers on this poll right. I don't think I deserve an award for this - I'm a twenty-three year-old college graduate. I DO have a suggestion: You get less than half right? Sterilization. That'll make the little shits do their homework. No, I don't have any children of my own, why do you ask?

Doctor Who
* Huzzah, Tom Baker is going to be doing audio dramas of Doctor Who! I love you so, Tom Baker. I'm trying to make a Doctor Who-esque scarf, in the sense that it is very very long and has mismatched colors. Tom Baker should show up with Christopher Eccelston and Peter Davison in a Doctor Who Special before David Tennant leaves. Who's with me?!

Inglourious Basterds
* Oh. For a second I thought the title implied TIM Roth and Quentin Tarantino were doing a new project together, as opposed to Eli Roth. I prefer Tim. But I enjoy Eli Roth, and still think Cabin Fever was a fun, gross movie, and his response to all that fandom madness was funny AND unsettling, which I enjoy. He needs to stop making Hostel movies though. I saw one the day before I went to Amsterdam, and spent the whole trip freaking out whenever an attractive foreigner approached me. Since I was in a foreign country, this happened often. Plus, watching people get tortured for two hours does NOTHING for me. I'm weird like that.

Star Trek
* TRIBBLES.

[Found at ONTD Star Trek]
DO WANT. DO WANT FOR THE SHEER GEEKY HEADY GEEKINESS. THEY PURR.
The thing is, I feel like I could make pretty good non-battery powered approximations. But if someone wants to buy these for me, I'll make them a shirt! A METAPHORICAL SHIRT.

Tribbles are fuzzy.

Today was good.
- LV

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My Lifeless Remains Cannot Sue The City?

Blog
* Mine can. They totally can. TRUFAX. My lifeless remains have powers. I think I have officially grown beyond the powers of caffeine. I weep. Title is from Castle (he really is ruggedly handsome).

* Dammit Michelle, stop posting images of things that need to be mine! I am going to be a pirate on her ship. And we shall be feared. Oh, how we shall be feared! And the art she's working on is gorgeous. I know these things.

* The itty bitty kitty cupcake is happy to see me!

[Drawn by Erin]
The question is, honestly, do I hug it or eat it? DAMN its survival techniques. It's so cute. Or maybe it's like the cow in The Restaurant at the End of the Universe and WANTS me to eat it? But.... it is a kitty! I want to eat it. No, I don't. I'm really confused. I think I'll just pet it and go away now.

* So I am late to the Supernatural party, but I am bringing the booze and drugs, if I am allowed to stretch the metaphor. I have two people to thank for this (because, really, I needed another fandom. Yeah, definitely) and Megan is one of them. She also has the best cache of Jackie Earle Haley pictures ever. I should steal them. FOR SCIENCE. No, I'm lying. Science has nothing to do with it. Nothing at all.

* Theresa points out how The Last Unicorn traumatized all of us. Which it did. She's wrong about The Goonies, although trauma might explain why I still love Corey Feldman and endorse his increasingly questionable life choices. I think I need to go make a special harpy mace now. Scariest scene ever.

Freakangels Friday
* Huzzah! It is still raining in Whitechapel, shit is going DOWN, I want to be a steampunk, and Mr. Ellis, who just tweeted about his crotch-scratching adventures (truth!) has blessed us undeserving FOOLS with another entry of the greatest webcomic ever, FREAKANGELS. That may be an exaggeration. MAYBE. I admit to nothing. I think I could be KK for Halloween, only nobody would recognize me, and it would end up like that now-infamous Halloween party where I made the hostess cry. Which no one needs. Anyway, I will read the comic AFTER I post this entry, so spoilers will be below by signature. I made a FREAKANGELS shirt. What did you do to appease the Ellis god?

Scary
* This is all Megan's fault. This whole category can be blamed on her. She showed me this video, and I had so many fucking nightmares about Hubert Cumberdale. I'd seen it before, but I had BLOCKED it, because of the trauma. Also, 'You taste like sunshine dust' is the scariest thing ever, except for the line about red water. I'm scared again:


Dollhouse
* It really does puzzle me, how the random placement of categories ends up with shows being discussed on the dates they air. This blog is a magical place. Moving on, did Dollhouse redefine science fiction success? I think that's too broad a question. I mean, you need to count in the Joss Factor, as I just decided it will be called. He has devoted fans. Scary devoted. As we should be, because he is brilliant and I love him. Even if he does give us nothing back but PAIN.

But Dollhouse is not getting good ratings, because most people go out on Fridays. Personally I think Fox renewed because they didn't want to deal with the madness and fan hysteria that surrounded the cancelation of Firefly (Note: Firefly was a better show, in the few episodes it had, than Dollhouse's first few episodes, although Epitaph One may be one of the best Whedon episodes of any show, and I frankly think a lot of the panic over Dollhouse was more in principle than based on the show love (until Topher got super-awesome and Alpha Wash showed up, of course, and then the show got AMAZINGLY good).

Anyway, this is my usual plea for you all to watch the show, because A) Alpha Wash, B) the scene where Topher and Whiskey had their little 'discussion' was hot and sad and I hope one or both of them cracks (although if Topher dies, as I have predicted because I am a cloud of negativity and DOOM, you will all have to comfort me with money and clothes) C) there needs to always be a show by Joss Whedon on TV, D) Due to Twitter conversations with remains, I am holding out hope for an Alpha Wash spinoff costarring Neil Patrick Harris, with cooking by Zachary Quinto as Sylar. Yes, the internet is AWESOME.

Epic!Fail
* This is not a funny category today. This makes me genuinely angry and sick. Two radio DJs encouraged violence against transgender children. Now I want to speak carefully here, because while encouraging violence against anyone for who they are is deeply fucked up, that's not specifically what I'm getting into.

These guys are encouraging violence against children. Children who, if they are transgendered (these DJs seem to put any male that doesn't fit the very narrow stereotype of masculinity in this category) are already dealing with a myriad of personal and emotional issues). The level of hostility is TERRIFYING:

For his part, States bragged that if his own son were to ever dare put on a pair of high heels, States would beat his son with one of his own shoes. He urged parents whose own little boys expressed a desire to wear a dress to verbally abuse and degrade them as a viable response.

This goes beyond personally/morally disagreeing with someone else's way of life. You don't have to like how someone else lives, who they are. It would be nice if people didn't hate other people because of the way they are born, but it's unlikely to change any time soon.

But encouraging violence against transgendered people - children in particular - is sick. I have friends who are transgendered. Coming to terms with that on their own was an incredibly difficult experience, and they have my admiration and awe for their courage. But some of them had to deal with violence, verbal and physical. When they were in middle school and high school. And not just from their classmates.

Look, bottom line: you don't have to 'approve' of transgendered people. Hell, you don't have to approve that I'm a girl, or that Lance Bass is gay. Your approval doesn't change who people are. But encouraging violence against people who are different - KIDS who are different - is sick.

As if high school doesn't suck enough.

We now return to general randomness.

Books
* I don't need a sequel to the Winnie The Pooh books. You can have one, if you want. I mean, I won't read it (and we don't need some damn otter in our woods, THANK YOU VERY MUCH), but you can.

And Pooh does not have OCD. Shut up. Stop analyzing my childhood loves.

Daily Hot Guy

[Nathan Fillion, AKA Richard Castle, AKA Mal Reynolds, AKA Captain Hammer. The hammer is his penis. Requested by Kaishabackwards, who is working on her terrible death whinny.]

Childhood!Fail

see more Fail Blog

Torchwood
* Here's another article on how Torchwood is getting a fourth season, but will Ianto fans watch, after Russell T. Davies CHEWED ON OUR SOULS LIKE SWEET SWEET CARAMELS?
For my part, yes, I will probably watch an episode or two to see what happens. I won't be happy about it, and will probably scream at whoever is with me, 'THIS WOULD BE BETTER WITH IANTO. THEIR COFFEE WILL SUCK FOREVER NOW!' and other such nonsense. But I'm interested in what they do. And I really do like John Barrowman. It's not his fault that the creator of Torchwood hates sexy Welsh coffee boys.

Um, Blogger keeps sending me an error message when I try to add more labels, and I'm getting scared that it will soon not let me post this AT ALL, so I think I'm just going to go read Freakangels now. Spoilers below my signature.
- LV

WARNING: Spoilers for this weeks' FREAKANGELS Below
This would have been a very exciting week, if I gave a shit about KK. I know, I'm a bitch. But I have decided that I only care about Arkady and Karl, and I will not compromise on this. At least we finally GOT some Arkady. It's been all Kait and Luke and Kirk. BRING ON ARKADY AND KARL. AND LET THEM LIVE.

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What If You Don't Live By A Volcano?

Blog
* That's silly. Everyone lives by a volcano. A volcano of the SOUL. Yeah, I don't know. I've had precious little caffeine today. Title is from Firefly.

Jackie Earle Haley
* FINALLY:
A Nightmare on Elm Street in HD

A Nightmare On Elm Street trailer. Oh, how I love thee. I love thee HARDCORE. I will watch you repeatedly, and I will believe that THIS will be the horror trailer that is not made of suck, and fixes EVERYTHING in life. I need to get a new Freddy sweater. Mine was destroyed. Not in a fire. And Mr. Haley has growly voice. I spent most of my heinous morning fangirl-flailing, screaming, and generally frightening the natives. FOR A GOOD REASON.

Russell Brand
* I don't especially care who celebrities are dating. OK, I do, but in that, 'Hm, wow,' way, not in a 'OH GOD THEY ARE SO WRONG FOR EACH OTHER I MUST INTERVENE' way. That being said, I want Katy Perry to stay the HELL away from Russell Brand, OK? Because she ANNOYS me. SO MUCH. And I was sort of secretly hoping he and Lady Gaga would hook up, if ONLY because the tabloid coverage would be EPIC.

Politics
* HAHA, Levi Johnston, political impregnator, is going to be SO NAKED on the internets.I know I've said this before, but it NEVER STOPS BEING FUNNY. His Levi Johnston will be out, in public. Did I mention I had less than one cup of coffee this morning? And no food? And the energy drinks haven't kicked in yet?

* Short people are going to fuck you up, and the French are starting the war. VICTORY IN OUR TIME. But I will let certain tall men live, because they're hot. And my tall friends. Basically if I like you or you give me money, you're OK. Sarkozy, you never cease to entertain. And make me proud of my height. DOWN WITH TALLS.

* I must confess, I'm rather disappointed that Al Franken hasn't done anything super-hilarious since becoming a Senator. I thought... well, to be honest, I had hoped that politics would become like a long, drawn-out SNL skit. Which it already is, ZING. But here is a video of him, drawing a map:

His voice really annoys me, on an almost visceral level. It's weird.

Food
* Part of me thinks this is so cool and beautiful:

[Found at Friggin Random]
Part of me wonders how long it took.
Part of me just wants to sop up all that mustard with the bread.

Daily Hot Guy

[Matt Damon, not an unusual pick, but he's smart and funny and twisted, and he wrote a really good movie, and it's been an almost comically bad morning, and sometimes I just want to admire a handsome guy with nice eyes, OK?!]

Celebrity!Fail
* I stopped watching Gossip Girl, mainly because clothes lust was starting to make me seriously consider a life of crime (I WANT THEIR WARDROBES) and also I have too many other shows to watch on Monday, and simply cannot factor it in. Besides, it's best viewed in a marathon with a bunch of friends and some alcohol. But when I DID watch the show, I was a member of the 'I wish Chuck Bass had corrupted me in high school' club. Really, are there people who aren't? So this is very disappointing:

[Found at Jezebel]
Dude, there are very few guys who can have a naked lady tattoo and still be sexy. You are not among their numbers. Chuck Bass would not approve of your pathetic, plebeian attempt at rebellion. We're all very disappointed, Ed Westwick.

Zombies
* In theory, zombie shooting-range targets are a genius concept. But in practice....

[Found at Boing Boing]
Why do all the girl-zombies look like porn-star zombies, and why are all the boy-zombies Nazis? That's not very realistic. You should have done more research.

Apocalypse How?
* I make a lot of jokes in this category, but you know what? This is no joking matter:

[Found at Geekologie]
That's a Blu-Ray Player. It costs $135,000. Now let me make this very clear. I fucking hate anyone, ANYONE who is considering owning one of these. I CANNOT AFFORD A REGULAR BLU-RAY PLAYER. THIS ONE COSTS MORE THAN MY CAR. MORE THAN HALF A DOZEN OF MY CAR. GAAHHHHHH.
Oh, and this is truly the end of days, because seriously, what did they PUT IN THIS THING to make it cost so much? Pure gold? FAIRY GOLD? That shit is rare. I don't know. After work I have to go to Rite-Aid for lip-gloss. DISCOUNT lip-gloss. STUPID BLU-RAY PLAYER.

Dollhouse
* So apparently my Tweeting the Season Premiere of Dollhouse did nothing for the ratings. Or made them worse. Because Dollhouse got the lowest ratings ever.

Now, listen very carefully (or read very carefully): This season is going to be Topher-tastic. The premiere had hotness AND ANGST, and HIS SHEETS WERE ADORABLE, and he made me sad, and Whiskey is going bonkers (and drinking whiskey, I think, which delights me), and Alexis Denisoff (AKA Wesley) is going to be on a lot, and I NEED Alpha Wash to come back, so you are all going to MAN UP and watch Dollhouse. DO YOU GET ME?! Please? Because I still miss Firefly.

Epic!Fail
* This is an LV fail, I suspect. Because whenever I look at this picture:

[Found at Like Cool]
...I want to flip the guy off his forkless cruiser bike. I don't know why. But if I saw him in real life, I wouldn't be able to control myself. I just want to flip over that stupid, stupid bike. This compulsion frightens and confuses me. Ergo, LV!Epic!Fail.

They do happen, from time to time.

Books
* This library has no books:

[Found at The Boston Globe]
Because they have a 'learning center.' Books are outdated. Nobody READS anymore. HAHA.... ha... heh....

If you need me, I'll be clutching my worn copy of A Tree Grows In Brooklyn and weeping for the future.

Childhood!Fail
* Hey, kids! You like puppies, right? Who doesn't? Well, wouldn't you like to DISMEMBER A doggie?

[Found at Nerd Approved]
What, your doggie is missing its head? Its precious, precious head? Why are you crying? This is how butchers cut up the piggies we use to make your hot dogs!

Doctor Who
* I have posted this video of John Barrowman and David Tennant kissing at the Comic-Con before, and I most likely will again, and again, until Ianto Jones is OK. It doesn't HAVE to make sense, does it? Did Torchwood make sense? Did chunks of Doctor Who make sense? YEAH, so I win.

Plus, they're not exactly hard on the eyes, are they? It's Monday. That's the only excuse I NEED, OK?

Inglourious Basterds
* I like this story because it has Quentin Tarantino, B.J. Novak, movies, and unimpressed Germans:

Plus Brad Pitt seems like a fun guy. I am the only girl out there who would pick Tarantino over Pitt? Don't answer that.

Sorry this blog was a little late, but you know what? Monday. That is all.
- LV

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Did He Just Go Crazy & Fall Asleep?

Blog
* Actually... Yes. Yes he did. Title is from Firefly. I miss that show. A lot.

* I love the expression of dawning dismay on the kids' face:

[Drawn by Erin]
It's like the 'treasure' he was told about was really just the corpse of his puppy Mom and Dad told him was sent to a farm.

Freakangels Friday
* And it is the Fifth Day of the week (I do not subscribe to that madness where Sunday is the start of the week) and Warren Ellis said, 'Let there be Freakangels, you filthy sinning fucks,' and there WAS. But I am worried, because the title of the Email he sent alerting his minions of this new edition was called 'Explodo,' and what if KARL EXPLODES?! I HAVE HAD A ROUGH WEEK. KARL CANNOT EXPLODE. I will read it after I complete this entry of bloggery. Spoilers beneath my signature. Warren Ellis Put His Disease In Me. I WILL make this shirt, at some point. Mark my words.

Epic Fail
* Where was I when it became socially acceptable to pee outdoors, in public, in daylight?

[Found at Incredible Things]
It isn't. It is never OK to urinate outdoors, in public, in DAYLIGHT, in front of strangers. I don't care if that makes me old fashioned. I do not want to have to walk down the street knowing there is a very good chance that I will see a stranger relieving himself on a plastic tree.

Really, I'd rather have the male population peeing in alleys. I'm used to that. It's what happens in New York, especially late at night on weekends. That doesn't bug me (except when one drunk guy peed down my stairs - I lived in a basement apartment behind a gate - and I yelled at him to stop and he DIDN'T, and I had to clean out the hallway to my apartment. I'm still cross about that). My issue is that these plastic trees make it acceptable. That makes it OK. And I have been in countries where they have outdoor urinals, and those don't bug me either. Because they aren't shaped like trees.

I reread that, and my argument pretty much collapses because I'm contradicting myself. So to sum up, I don't want strangers to pee outdoors, but if they have to, can they not pee on plastic white trees? Thanks.

Writing
* I love strange new words. Which is funny, since my vocabulary has essentially become made up of the words 'totally,' 'awesome,' 'inappropriate,' and 'also.' I blame the government. But my friend Kevin, who is scary smart and writes this amazing blog about politics, always knows nifty new words. And he found this great site of $10 words. This is like word porn for me. And frankly, your puerile comments fill me with repugnance and I repudiate you and everything you venerate.

See? I can still use at least $5 words, if I try. I'm just lazy.

Books
* I really don't like Dan Brown. He's not a good writer. Of course, who the hell am I? Look at him, and his success. I'm sure he doesn't care. But he sucks, and his books suck, and the movies made from his books suck, and he is a black hole of suck. If he and Stephenie Meyers ever wrote a book together, I'd never stop throwing up.

Brown is bad enough on his own. Here is a list of the twenty worst lines from Dan Brown's books. Normally I don't like to trash authors (bad karma, even though I don't really believe in it, but still it's not nice) but he's rich and famous, and I am neither, and I don't think he'd care. Here's my 'favorite' line from any of his books:

17. Deception Point, chapter 8: Overhanging her precarious body was a jaundiced face whose skin resembled a sheet of parchment paper punctured by two emotionless eyes.

If you need me, I'll be crying in the corner. How can a body be precarious? And I've never seen parchment paper punctured by eyes, emotionless or otherwise. Then again, minor alliteration win?

Childhood!Fail
* American Girl Dolls have changed a LOT since I was a girl. I had Samantha (we both had brown hair), Felicity, and Kirsten. I had to get rid of Felicity after my friends and I watched Child's Play and I became convinced that red-headed dolls were going to stab me to death in my sleep, and my younger cousin now has my dolls, and loves them.

But now they have homeless American Girl dolls?

[Found at Jezebel]
This is Gwen, a homeless American Girl doll (or, as the article is quick to point out, a FRIEND of an American Girl). She's very well-dressed. And she costs $95.00. Now, aren't you supposed to have dolls that girls can identify with, on some level? Because I don't know many homeless kids who can afford dolls that cost more than a night out. That's EXPENSIVE SHIT RIGHT THERE.

And, because I'm a horrible person, after reading the whole article, all I could think was, 'Holy shit, they discontinued Samantha?'
Today is a sad day.

Daily Hot Guy
* And now it's not a sad day:

[Tim Roth, who I had a crush on in Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction (even if in one he was spurting blood, which is alarming for children) and who was one of two reasons I sat through The Incredible Hulk (the other being Edward Norton) and he's sexy and dangerous on Lie To Me. This is all Megan's fault. I had forgotten how much I like Tim Roth. And I still want him to play Snape.]

Torchwood
* So if it hadn't been Ianto who we lost to the cruelty of RATINGS, or some other hideous monster, it would have been Rhys who died?

I have no problem at all with that. And I like Rhys a lot. But can we trade him for Ianto? Can we make that happen? This interview is supposed to be funny and light, and it just makes me sad all over. I am going to hate Gwen by the next season. I'm sure of it. Because of facts like these.

Inglourious Basterds
* Quentin Tarantino is an awesome everything. Stop your snickering. I love him, and if you can't understand that, it's your loss. He's an especially awesome film critic (say what you will about his movies, I discovered a lot of great, obscure films because he mentioned them. Watch his introduction to to McCabe & Mrs. Miller here:

There are more of his introductions/reviews here, and I love them all, and I love him, and leave me alone. I have weird taste, and I am FINE with that.

Dollhouse
* Dollhouse premieres tonight! I am EXCITED. BEYOND WORDS. No, do you know how long it's been since I've had a Joss Whedon show renewed? Let's not talk about Firefly. It brings the the tears and HATRED. But yes, Dollhouse is back, which means the return of Topher and Alpha Wash, and this season Alexis Denisoff is going to be on the show, and Ray Wise (and Summer Glau, you drooling fanboys) and it will be great because the second half of the first season was GENIUS. Every episode starting with 'Man On The Street.'

* Here are some spoilers for season 2. I have not read them, because I have remained pure and spoiler-free.

People I Love
* This made me spray coffee all over my computer, International Society of Supervillains:
What happens if you dont eat anything for 2 days?
I don't know, Janet. No one has ever done it before in all of documented history.

But if I had to guess, I would say it's one of two things: 1) Your stomach will begin to glow with a magic that will make you into some sort of all-powerful demigoddess or 2) You will wither into a pile of dust.

Either way, it'll be sweet. Do it.
Read the rest of the Email here. Then send me money for a new computer. This one smells like burning.

Jersey!Fail
* I like Rachel Maddow. She is cool and smart, and her glasses are sweet. So why she got to be hating on my home state?

Oh. That's why. That.... that's a good reason. Yes. Yes, of course. What's with all the Anti-Christ fixation lately? I can't have this conversation. The coffee just kicked in. It could be violent.

Fandom
* Dude, I don't remember this scene from Star Wars:

[Found at Unique Daily]
But I really want to know where they got that furry couch.

Stuff To Live
* Bulletproof and fashionable clothing?

[Found at Like Cool]
I am going to be rocking the zombie apocalypse. Get me a pair of knee-high boots and some tight jeans, and I will be BADASS. You all think I'm kidding, but I would buy this stuff if I had the money. Even if the zombie apocalypse never happens (HA!) I just want to walk around knowing my jacket is bullet-proof. Come ON. That would be SWEET.

Right. I am still sick (but recovering!) and I have no work today, so I am going to lie down and watch TV and recover from this terrible illness of mine, and read FREAKANGELS, finally. Spoilers below my signature.
- LV

WARNING: SPOILER FOR THIS WEEKS' FREAKANGELS BELOW. SPOILERS
* Sigh. More set-up. Don't get me wrong, is awesome. Not complaining. Not really. A little. DON'T YELL AT ME, MR. ELLIS. But I love the rain. I think it's gorgeous. Luke is a bastard. And my first though when KK's plane got hit was, 'DON'T CRASH INTO KARL.' Are Karl and Arkady in love? Some sort of love? That would be cute. Their children would talk to plants, then use their powers to move the plants WITH THEIR MINDS. I should totally be involved in the writing of this comic. PLANT LOVE; KARL AND ARKADY.

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The World Is A Mess & I Just... Need To Rule It.

Blog
* And I would let you. Title is from Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog.

WARNING: THIS IS A SPOILER-HEAVY ENTRY. SPOILERS FOR THE FOLLOWING BOOKS/TV SHOWS/MOVIES:
* Angel: The Series
* Blackadder
* Burn Notice
* Doctor Who
* Dollhouse
* Firefly/Serenity
* Freakangels
* From Dusk 'Till Dawn
* Gargoyles
* Harry Potter
* House, M.D.
* Lost
* Red Dwarf
* Star Trek: The Next Generation
* Star Trek: The Original Series
* Torchwood
* True Blood
* V For Vendetta
* Watchmen

THESE ARE BROKEN UP BY CATEGORY, SO SKIP THE ONES YOU AREN'T UP TO DATE WITH. SPOILERS BELOW. IS THIS WARNING ENOUGH?


Fandom Fail
* OK, if you follow me on Twitter, or read this blog, you know I am convinced I am cursed to love the character that dies. It's what happens. If I love a character on a TV show, in a movie or book, they die. Usually horribly. And I am bereft, because that's how I roll.
Some of you don't believe me, or think I'm overreacting. HA, I say. You want to see real angsty FAIL? Read on. Broken down by fandom, so you can skip if you haven't seen a whole series.

Angel: The Series
* Allen Doyle: This was also the first instance where my favorite character died in the one episode I MISSED. I should have been prepared, since Joss Whedon is a cruel man who does TERRIBLE things to people. And I love him. But yes, Doyle died, nine episodes in, and it was excruciating. I was in high school, for fuck's sake. Those are turbulent times. And you don't need to come home and watch a taped episode (VHS, no less) and find out your favorite character is DEAD, and on a show where everyone is always dying and coming back, he DOESN'T. Then the actor died, and I was NOT OK. But at least Whedon showed the extended effects of his death, mentioning the character throughout nearly every season of the show. But Doyle was funny and sad, and self-loathing, and really redeemed himself in the end, and he had an Irish accent.

* Wesley Wyndham-Price: Now, I HATED Wesley when he turned up. I was thinking, 'Great, they've replaced my favorite character with my least-favorite Buffy character, but since he has an accent, no one will notice.' But no, Whedon had to continue on being brilliant. Wesley got under your skin. He grew on you, especially with his relationship with Fred. So by third season, I was Team Wesley. Big time. Especially because Angel has always annoyed me a little. But then he went crazy, and I was REALLY excited. The character evolved into someone completely different, in an organic way. Then he died, once again hideously, in the last episode. After losing the woman he loved, and having to watch HER die, and having to settle for being held by what essentially took over his girlfriend's body. THAT IS TWISTED AND SAD.

Blackadder
* In the last episode of the series, suddenly we get M*A*S*H* on everyone, and it's surprisingly touching, and Hugh Laurie is so scared, as is everyone, and the ending is one of the most beautifully devastating moments in television, and EVERYONE dies. So I really had no chance with this show, but how was I supposed to know? Baldric? BALDRIC? COME ON. He wrote a story about a happy little sausage (or his ancestor did), and this is how it ends?

Doctor Who
* The Ninth Doctor: I know the Doctor regenerates, and I really do think David Tennant is a genius in the role, and I love him endlessly, and no disrespect, etc. But Nine was my Doctor. I loved him, and how underneath all that manic good cheer you felt like he was going to snap and start biting people (Remember 'Dalek'? Shit was INTENSE), and he was sad, and also I have had a thing for Christopher Eccleston since Shallow Grave. And I know he didn't 'die,' but the character went away forever, and he suffered, and he gave that incredible goodbye speech to Rose ('Have a fantastic life'), and he BROUGHT BACK Doctor Who as a viable show, and dammit we only got one season of him, and could he at least be in a special, PLEASE? He bailed on Heroes, too, which makes me think Mr. Eccleston wants me to hate him. I refuse.

Firefly
* Hoban 'Wash' Washbourne: Part of me still doesn't quite believe this character is dead, because it was abrupt. I'm sitting in the theater, enjoying my film, and then BAM HIDEOUS DEATH OF BELOVED CHARACTER. I should have seen it coming. But since the series/show is over, maybe this bothers me less. No, it still bothers me immensely. This is also the only time Joss Whedon has come REMOTELY close to what I will now and forever refer to as 'RTD Fuckery' by killing a character for reasons beyond me. But then he did an interview and explained it, and while it's still not OK, AT ALL, at least I know he thought about it, and didn't kill a much-loved character just for PLOT DEVELOPMENT. By the way, am I the only one who thought, really, that it was going to be Jayne who died?

From Dusk 'Till Dawn
* Richie Gecko: Look, this is the only movie in which I can justify my attraction to Quentin Tarantino, and even then I just barely get by, and he is funny in this movie, and yes he rapes and murders a cleaning lady, and you know what? I just reread that sentence, and think I should sit quietly now.

Gargoyles
* Brooklyn: OK, he didn't die, because it was a Disney cartoon, and good guys don't die, generally. But he was fast on his way to becoming a twisted son of a bitch, and then they CANCELLED THE WHOLE SHOW, so it's like he died, so I count this. Also I miss the show terribly, and am planning to revisit it with my little brother, whether he wants to or not.

Harry Potter
* Severus Snape: Seriously, I was not OK. I called my friend and wept into the phone for hours after I finished the last book. Because, as the best writers do, J.K. Rowling made it hurt. She took a wonderful, beautiful character, had him die (NEEDLESSLY, AS IT TURNED OUT) and then rubbed salt in the wound by showing us how he ended up there. It's really an exquisitely written plot, even from the first book, and is my defense whenever people scornfully declare that it's a kid's series. I could write a book on Snape, but I won't. Suffice it to say, he had all the characteristics that make me love a character: He was brilliant, and darkly funny, and misunderstood, and ugly, and could be cruel, and had terrible weaknesses, and was brave and loved one person completely, and sacrificed everything for the memory of love, with no hope of redemption or reward, but because he felt his own life would just barely atone for his sins. That's the SHORT version.

* Remus Lupin: Because I had been warned that pretty much everyone died in the last book, I picked two characters to live (OK, I picked three, and Neville Longbottom made through all right, but he was only a reserve favorite). Lupin lived his life ostracized, lost all his dearest friends, finally found love, freaked because he felt he'd doomed his wife and baby to a miserable life, got over it, and DIED. WITH AN INFANT BABY. AND HIS WIFE DIED, although I never much liked Tonks, for no good reason. J.K. Rowling hates me.

House, M.D.
* Lawrence Kutner: Obviously, House is my favorite character, but since he's the star of the show, and this isn't a supernatural show, it would be fairly hard to run it without him, so it doesn't count. But I thought Kutner kicked ass. Ever since he turned his number upside down to keep from getting fired, I wanted him to be on the team. Plus, he's Kumar! And his death made terrible sense, and was one of those incidents where I loved and hated it. I thought House's reaction was spot-on, and I wanted to hug Taub. But mostly, I want Kutner back. Because I do not enjoy Thirteen and her shenanigans at all.

Lost
* Charlie: I stopped WATCHING after Charlie drowned. I almost stopped watching after Charlie was hung, because I was so disturbed by the episode. But I prevailed. Then they killed him, and I am DONE, because I can't TAKE it, and have too many fandoms AS IT IS.

Red Dwarf
* Arnold Rimmer: I know he died in the first episode, and remained dead (but active!) throughout most of the series. I don't care. I feel a huge amount of sympathy for Rimmer, who nobody loved (in part because he was a disgusting person) but really he was so insecure and lonely, and by the time he left he wasn't a bad guy, and I'm counting him because I want to.

Star Trek: The Next Generation
* Data: I know there were logical reasons behind this (like Brent Spiner aging) and I do not give a SHIT. I am still SAD.

Star Trek: The Original Series
* Spock: Don't try to comfort me by telling me he came back in the next movie. I was nine when I saw that, and I was inconsolable, and he still DIED, didn't he? Yes, yes he did.

Torchwood
* Ianto Jones: I apologize in advance, because I have been insane about this since it happened, so if you're sick of me yelling, skip to the next section. BUT REALLY. WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK? They build this beautiful, complicated character (brilliantly played) and form a deeply conflicted relationship for him, and they kill him! KILL HIM BY POISONING HIM, WHICH IS NOT PLEASANT. AND AND-
- I thought he was safe, because Russell T. Davies had already killed off nearly HALF THE CAST in the PREVIOUS season finale. THERE IS NO ONE LEFT.
- Jack couldn't say 'I love you,' which I know is a sign of what a royal geek I am, but COME ON. When someone is dying, and they're scared, you tell them that you love them, OK? Although it's a really extraordinary scene, and I lost my shit in an undignified and shameful way.
- I keep hearing all these rumors that they kicked Ianto off the show because they were trying to 'gay it down,' which is DISGUSTING. And would be very sinister, since RTD created Queer As Folk. Plus, you know, it would be HORRIBLE.
- What really gets me upset is that they didn't even DWELL ON IT in the last episode. Dude you love died, in your arms, at TWENTY-EIGHT FREAKING YEARS OLD, and you mention him in the list of everyone who's died on the show, including goddamn SUZIE? ARE YOU SERIOUS?! CAN SOMEONE FREAKING EMOTE HERE?!
I could say more, but I'm not going to. Suffice it to say, TEAM IANTO MAKES COFFEE. Fuckers.
Edit: I have just been informed by uber-fan and wise-person Antonella that Ianto was, in fact, 25. Two years older than me. Well, that just makes the whole thing SO MUCH WORSE. Need to go cry AGAIN, now, for obvious reasons.

V For Vendetta
* V: Don't kill me, but I kind of thought his death scene in the movie was better than in the book. Friends of mine remember this movie as 'the one where Elle locked herself in the bathroom and sobbed for half an hour after we watched it. Even though she'd seen it before. Repeatedly.' I think I have a weakness for characters who die thinking they just weren't good enough, or that they deserved death, after a lifetime of isolation and suffering and angst. Which says VOLUMES about my mental state, let me tell you.

Watchmen
* Rorschach: Well, hello there, Alan Moore. Are you here to twist my brain into tiny little balls of PAIN? That rhymed. Alan Moore has stated that he realized Rorschach would die while writing Watchmen. I did not pick up on this. It makes sense. I do understand it. I know he wouldn't have WANTED to live in Veidt's brave new world. I know that living would have meant sacrificing everything he was, and would have negated his very life's purpose. I know he was suicidal, and that he thought he was dirt too, and that he had a PLETHORA of personal issues, and that he was lonely and unhappy. I know part of the reason I adore him is that he's the only character in Watchmen who keeps their integrity. I know he told Manhattan to do it.
All that aside, there are few things more painful in the life of a fan than watching your favorite character, who has already suffered more than most people can even imagine, and who is almost universally despised (except by his army of fangirls) bet EXPLODED by a big blue naked dude who takes thirty-five minutes between lines. Except that in the comic, he dies alone, and NOBODY NOTICES THAT HE'S DEAD. At least in the movie - which had many flaws - his best friend is witness, and we get some owl rage.
The real crime is that there's so much lost. I know the mask ate his brain and all, but he was brilliant, and slyly funny, and had strong morals and principles. Rorschach is what we like to call layered, and that's what makes the loss so painful, and so iconic.

Exceptions To The Rule
* Burn Notice (Because if you kill Bruce Campbell, the terrorists win. Also a black hole will swallow the earth, and darkness will reign, and Spencer and Heidi will be declared the Rulers of Culture)
* Dollhouse (Although who thinks Topher is in trouble? Am I the only one? Topher is my second favorite, after Alpha.)
* Freakangels (Which, for me, has become a weekly exercise in DOES KARL LIVE?!)
* True Blood (Although I missed last weeks' episode, and if anything happens to Eric or Sam, I will be MIGHTILY annoyed. But perhaps not on the level of these characters, because... hm. I don't know. A character on True Blood has to die before I know how I'll react.)

That was very cathartic. I need a drink.
- LV

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