Day 27 Of Unemployment: OK, Now I'm Bored

* Work yesterday was boring. I set up a MySpace for the company, and looked for high schools with theater programs. New York schools suck, generally. I mean, I always knew, but it never really struck me. I never fully comprehended. Blame it on growing up spoiled and sheltered in the suburbs. It made me sad. Oh, and I found the way to work by Googling the company. I'm a genius. Or something.

* I like how 'google' is a verb. And TiVo. New verbs are awesome. Rather than saying, "I looked it up online," I get to shorten the whole sentence to, "I Googled it." Capitalization is optional. Pretty soon the whole of the English language will be reduced to simply yelling, "Google!' in different tones of voice.

* I may have work tomorrow. I don't know. I don't know anything. ElleVee lacks information.

* More former roommate drama. It's stopped being funny, and has now become completely irritating. She demands my presence for the final walk-through of the apartment, even though SHE has the keys, and I have other things to do. OK, so my life isn't full if important events at this moment, but still. Flossing would be more important. We were supposed to go today, actually, but she never called me. She's probably still asleep. And I sleep late - I woke up near noon today - but she makes me look like a sprightly early morning... sprite. The creature, not the drink. She usually wakes up around five or six in the evening, if she doesn't have work. I just want it to be done. I want to end this and move on with my life.

* Got my Netflix today! Huzzah! Jeeves & Wooster, and the rest of season one of Dexter. Joy in my veins. Much joy.

* My family is coming to visit this weekend. My dad will finally be seeing the apartment he's essentially paying for. This will be interesting. Things have been a bit tense these past few weeks, for a plethora of reasons I don't feel like going into at this moment. I love the word 'plethora.' So this weekend will be either a happy, joyful reunion wherein we all hug and cry, or it will be tense and excessively polite and I will end up twitching like a cat on crack.

* They say the commercials between shows target the intended audience of said show. So, since I've been watching courtroom drama all day - Judge Joe Mathis and Judge Maria Lopez - I must assume that the intended audience eats a fuckload of IHop, has no car insurance, sues over injuries that were caused by their own idiocy, did not graduate from high school, and need to lose a lot of weight. Channel 11 does not have a lot of respect for its viewers. And where does that leave me?
- I haven't eaten at an IHop since high school.
- I don't have a car anymore.
- If I sued every time I fell down, I'd spend my entire fucking life in court. I fall down constantly. Sometimes when I'm not even moving.
- I did not graduate from high school. I did, however, graduate from college, so I guess it evens out.
- Of course I need to lose weight. Statistically speaking, everyone needs to lose weight. We're all AWFUL! IHop, anyone?

So two out of five. Not bad, Channel 11, not bad.

* My roommate called. She's sick, apparently. So, once again, I need to do every fucking thing just to settle the apartment. If you guys see me on the TV wanted for murder, please inform the proper authorities that I was doing a service to humanity. No, I won't really kill her (in case you were rushing to the phone). I just want her to go far, far away, and stop bothering me. Is that so much to ask? IS IT?!

* Watching an ad for Christian rock - the concerts look like the most fucking boring shit I have ever seen. Otherwise, if you changed a few words in the lyrics, these bands could be singing about the girl of their dreams.

* I need to clean. Cleaning makes life better. And keeps the roaches away. I haven't seen one in days. They're plotting my demise. The reckoning shall come.

May your roommates be sane, your family be well-adjusted, and your stress be non-existent.
- LV

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Frustration, Angst, & General Douchery

A lot of things suck right now. Actually, a lot of things suck all the time, but I have a highly trained ability to ignore anything that doesn't directly effect me. It's a gift.

But, to quote Arrested Development, I am learning life lessons all over the place. And I shall impart this steaming-fresh wisdom to all of you, so that perhaps the sucky things in your life will be marginally less sucky. Smell the wisdom.

* Even after you graduate from college, your parents can essentially control your life – Unless you are some amazing, magical person who immediately got a fantastic job out of college, in which case I hope you get crabs, you are going to have to rely on your parents to some extent in the post-college world. This sucks. A lot. In fact, this situation may bring about an entirely new level of suckiness in your life. Your parents can, for example, entirely dictate your future living situation, regardless of what you may actually want. If you don’t see how this can be a miserable situation, you are probably a parent, and I hate you.

To explain a bit: I was planning on living with two of my best friends. Because none of us have won the lottery, we were looking in Brooklyn. My parents did not like any of the neighborhoods we could afford. Cue two days of hysterical screaming into the phone, and very creative cursing. End result: I am going to have to live alone.
Now, I do understand my parent’s concerns. And I would like to not be dead, as it is no fun and necrophilia really frightens me. However, that does not make me any less annoyed, or any less inclined to abuse my ‘in case of emergencies’ credit card until they get the bill, and cancel it. Which leads me to my next earth-shattering life lesson:

* Apartment-hunting sucks – Especially in New York City. And especially when you have limited funds. And ultra-especially, when your parents have an unnerving amount of power in the whole situation because you are an intern getting paid jack-shit and can’t find a job that will give you the money to allow you to live where they want you to live. Brokers should be nice to me. They are sucking my will to live, and not in a fun or sexy way. New York is way too expensive, which is admittedly not an original complaint, but come ON. On the upside, since my parents effectively executed my previous living plans, they’ve told me I can get a cat. Because cats make everything better, and expertly assuage parental guilt.

* Job-hunting sucks – This alone is the perfect reason NOT to go to liberal arts college. While you will have a well-rounded education, and understand the complex inner workings of reality TV and youtube, you will have no chance in hell of finding a job. This is why most liberal arts students go to grad school, and have drinking problems, and cannot succeed in love, and cry themselves to sleep night after endless, lonely night. Take my advice – if your parents can afford grad school, take it. Don’t take time off. I am lucky enough that my parents could theoretically afford to send me to grad school, but now I feel like returning to the educational system would be like admitting defeat. I AM defeated, and royally fucked at the moment, but I won’t ADMIT it. Even though I just did.

* Work sucks – This may seem hypocritical considering my last complaint/piece of advice, and it is. That doesn’t make it any less true. I am stuck at this desk for another six hours, and have nothing to do. I will continue to have nothing to do. In the meantime, I cannot look for an apartment or a job, thus improving my situation. I can sit here and complain. Which I’m incredibly good at, but Monster.com does not have any job listings for people who can bitch their fucking heads off.
* Sinus infections suck – Anyone who has one knows what I mean.

And so much for that. My advice to anyone still in college? Stay in college. As long as physically possible. Consider medical school. I know I am – and by medical school, I mean fantasizing about House, M.D..

TV/Movie Things That Make Life Suck Less
• A Bit Of Fry & Laurie – Best skit show ever. Makes old SNL look like the new SNL, and the new SNL look like – I don’t know, MadTV or something equally repugnant. And I charged the boxed set to my parent’s credit card, because I am passive aggressive and petty. Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry should run their own country. I'd live there.
• Alan Rickman – My friend Esse can confirm this. You know it to be true. Embrace it.
• House, M.D. – Because I like mentioning it constantly, to annoy you all. And it’s still true. Even truer than the other stuff I have said, which is all gloriously truth.
• KNOCKED UP – Seth Rogen is the shit. And I liked him back in Freaks & Geeks, which would never have been cancelled if there was a God. Or a higher national IQ.

Oh, and am I the only one who found it really alarming that two of the most prolific directors of all time DIED within a few days of each other? What’s even more alarming is that, according to the surveys at IMDB.com, nobody has even seen any of their films. But EVERYONE ran out and saw Crash, which ranks with rectal warts in terms of quality and entertainment. You make me sick – almost as sick as that last comment.

That’s all I can say for the moment. Further bulletins as events warrant, or depending on how incredibly bored I am.
- LV

PS Who the fuck actually voted in my survey that they only read this when they're really, really bored? Come on, there are other websites far more entertaining than this one! Just look at my links. You should spend your days hysterically reloading this page, desperate for whatever nuggets of wisdom I deign to squeeze out. I just reread that last line, and officially admit that I am gross.

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Amy Winehouse Is Awesome And Should Be My Friend

Things I Am Really Worried About

• That I will not be offered a job at the end of my internship, despite all my hard work, and will have to go work at Abercrombie & Fitch.
• That a very famous author will laugh at my book proposal. Then beat me unconscious with a copy of Phantoms.
• That when the zombie uprising comes, I will panic and aim for their feet.
• That my roommate will lose control of her bloodlust and feast upon my sweet, sweet flesh.
• That my apartment situation will crash and burn in a fiery ball of whining and insanity, and I will be forced to live in a house constructed entirely out of books and DVDs. Or worse, in New Jersey.
• That the release date for Will Christopher Baer’s book will be pushed back, reducing me to a hollow shell of the human condition.
• That my uncle will not recover from liver cancer.
• That the Transformers movie will be as bad as I think it will.
• Clowns.

That’s all for now. Back to work. May your day be pleasant, and may the zombie clowns get lost on the way to your home. Unless you like zombie clowns, in which case may they swarm upon you and hold a kick-ass party.

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