So The Main Causes Of Accidents Are Joy, Sex, & Old Age?

Blog
* Yeah, actually, that's a fair statement. Title is from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

* So, remember guys, I'm going to be gone from Friday 12 February to Sunday 21 February, in England. I make NO promises to blog or do anything like that. I will simply take a shitload of pictures of England and the awesome that occurs there, which I will probably post on my return.

Fandom
* This poster makes me happy every damn time I look at it:

see more deMotivational Posters

Awesome
* Why is this a fail? I think people should be able to buy these for everyone. I want one. They're GENIUS:

[Found at Failblog]
I'm not kidding. This could be the best Valentine ever.

Food!Fail
* This list of things you can spread on bread is a total fucking fail, because it mocks mayonnaise. Mayonnaise is the ambrosia of the gods. I put it on everything. No, really, one of my favorite snacks is dark chocolate with mayonnaise. DON'T KNOCK IT UNTIL YOU TRY IT. God, you close-minded monsters make me sick. MAYONNAISE IS GOOD.

Technology
* I don't know about you, but I don't remember shit about being in utero. I don't really remember anything before the age of four, and most of my four-year-old memories involve The Land Before Time, (AKA the best goddamn movie EVER). What I'm trying to say is, I don't get the need to have the collection of cells in your tummy listen to 'My Humps':

[Found at Like Cool]
Oh, and this line really scares me:

"Researchers have demonstrated that reactive listening begins at 16 weeks, when your wee geek-to-be is roughly the size of a tasty avocado."

Partly because that's highly debateable, but mostly because now whenever someone tells me they're pregnant, I will instantly think, 'WHAT SIZE FRUIT IS THE FETUS?'

Politics
* I love Rahm Emanuel. He is like the Ari Gold of politics. He loses his shit and he says things and everyone freaks out, and it's awesome:

Monstrous hypertension record-setter Rahm Emanuel has A LOT OF SHIT TO DO AND DOESN’T HAVE TIME TO FUCKING HOST THIS FUCKING PANSY-ASS ROUNDTABLE SHIT, but he will GET IT OVER WITH and then will you people SHUT THE FUCK UP FINALLY. Apparently apologizing for a PRIVATE FUCKING REMARK wasn’t good enough for the FUCKING SHRIVERS and now what, he has to KISS SOME SHRIVER’S ASSHOLE and host a DELEGATION ARE YOU SERIOUS JESUS CHRIST OF FUCKING R–… WHATEVER YOU FUCKING CALL THEM… AT THE WHITE HOUSE, are you SERIOUS? FINE, let’s just FUCKING DO THIS…

(For my part, I think everyone overreacted, it wasn't like he screamed obscenities from the White House Press Room (although if he does, I want every YouTube video of that, EVER).

Oh, and Mr. Emanuel was a ballet dancer, which makes me love him so much for so many reasons.

If you say anything about his tights, he will motherfucking wreck you, bitches.

Life Lessons
* The lovely and brilliant Metalouise sent me this, and it cheered me up on a bad day, and more importantly exposed me to the GROSS INCOMPETENCE of our educational system:

Also, kids, remember you can always use the gasoline fires to cook your dog! Just another fun tip from Aunty Elle! Now fetch me a bottle of vodka and some smokes.

Daily Hot Guy

[Alan Rickman, who has rendered it impossible for me to see the new Robin Hood movie, because there is NO OTHER Sheriff of Nottingham beside him, YOU FOOLS.]

Movie!Win
* District 9 is an Oscar nominated film, and this makes me all sorts of happy. So does this interview with Terri Tatchell, writer of the screenplay and wife of director Neill Blomkamp. But no sequels, please, unless you can GUARANTEE the same degree of genius. PS. Ms. Tatchell, don't be nice to Avatar. DON'T ENCOURAGE TALL BLUE HAIR!SEX.

Daily Icon

[Lady Gaga, who is talented, smart, unapologetically weird, and most of all encourages you to celebrate who you are, bizarre as that may be. PLUS, she's short and from New York, and THAT means we should be friends and hang out and she should take me shopping. And I love the placement of that tattoo on her arm.]

Wow
* Dear Universe: If you need to make yet ANOTHER Friday the 13th remake (PLEASE DON'T), I think you need to give Jason this Hello Kitty Chainsaw:

[Found at Like Cool]
Because at the very least, if the movie sucks, I can laugh maliciously as Hello Kitty slaughters half-naked teens.

It's the SNOWPOCALYPSE! SNOWMAGEDDON. SNOWMG. Etc. I have the day off from work.
- LV

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Do You Know What The Words 'Low Profile' Mean?

Blog
* Oh, Quentin Tarantino knows what those words mean. He just chooses to ignore them. Title is from From Dusk 'Till Dawn.

Freakangels Friday
* FINALLY. IT IS FRIDAY AND THERE IS FREAKANGELS, AND I CAN CATCH UP ON WHAT I HAVE MISSED. IT IS ALL OK. I am also very happy we are flashing back, because I no longer have to spend each week worrying if Karl will live or not. I'm sure you appreciate that as well. So let's all agree that as long as we're in the past, Karl is alive. OK? Spoilers for this weeks' FREAKANGELS under my signature.

Oh, and I finally bought a Warren Ellis T-Shirt Of The Week:

But I've had to promise I won't wear it in front of my family members, who hate health care, and health in general, and already suspect me of being a Communist anarchist liberal type-person.

Remake!Fail
* I think I've yelled enough about this, but it still manages to make me insane:

[Found at Slash Film]
YOU DO NOT FUCK WITH THE KARATE KID. ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE RELATED TO WILL SMITH.

TeeVee
* I love Mystery Science Theater 3000. I love it. I love everything about it. I love Tom Serve and Crow and Gypsy. I may love Joel more than Mike because I think Joel is sexy, but I sort of think Mike was better onscreen. WHAT? Joel is AWESOME. I missed him terribly. But I digress.
Every episode should be on DVD. They should. Or at least on Instant Watch on Netflix. Here's a list of the best episodes that aren't yet on DVD. PUMAMAN. That is all you need to know. PUMAMAN. Think about the possibilities.

Geek Want
* I would like everything on this list. Except the Warren Ellis T-Shirt, obviously. Because I bought that for myself already. Because I'm greedy.
For the record, for the rest of the year, this will be more of a shopping advice section, because I am always looking for cool shit to get people (or to have them buy for me, because, as I've said, I am a greedy girl.)

Awesome
* I can knit. I can't knit WELL, but I can knit. I am now determined to learn how to knit skunk hats for everyone I know:

[Found at Neatorama]
SKUNK HATS FOR ALL. But not the cow hat. It looks like the cow is nomming on the babys' head. Which is not what I'm going for. SKUNK PUNK.

Daily Hot Guy

[Alan Rickman, and a statue head. I have no idea what is going on in this picture. Nor do I care. SOMETIMES THINGS DON'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE, DO THEY?]

Movie!Win
* BURKE & HARE. BURKE & HARE.

[Found at David Tennant News]
Simon Pegg and David Tennant and John Landis. Click here to learn more about it. BEST MOVIE EVER. You heard it here first.

Childhood!Fail
* Hmm, a motorcycle for small children based on the adventures of a man who broke nearly every bone in his body multiple times.

[Found at Like Cool]
And no helmet! This is a fail because on one hand, as a child I would have loved to get this as a gift. But it can only go up to 4 miles an hour. So naturally I would have raised the stakes:
'Hey, Mommy! Look at me!'
'L! HOW DID YOU GET UP ON THE ROOF WITH YOUR MOTORCYCLE?'
Point is, this is going to end badly. Either make it go faster, or include detailed instructions on the many ways Evel Knievel injured himself over the years, so dumb-ass parents can't sue. Just a thought.

Wow
* I'm not sure how I'd react to seeing this in a subway station:

[Found at Das Cabinet des Dr. Ruthven]
I'm sure it's meant to be positive and hopeful, but it would sort of freak me out. Good times for WHO, exactly? My good time is not the same as a serial killer's good time. Just saying.

Animals
* I want this dog:

What else can I add? I want this dog in my life.

Food!Win
* I made this yesterday for Thanksgiving. It's cranberry chutney:

[Found at Unfussy Fare]
And it was effing GLORIOUS. I would make more, except after yesterday I am never, ever eating again.

Girly Want
* I think I need these shoes. I can't figure out how to embed the image, so click here and see them. I also need a reason to wear these shoes, but that comes after I own them.

WTF, INTERNET?
* OH MY GOD:

[Found at Regretsy]
OH MY GOD. No thank you. Make it go away, please. CHIPMUNKS SHOULD NOT EAT MICE. Beatrix Potter would NEVER do this shit to children. I need to hug a stuffed animal.

Music
* In my next life, I want to be Lady Gaga:

Can someone make this happen? Please?

Technology
* Ikea is both a land of greatness and the place where the mind will crumble. I love Ikea. Here's what you should know about Ikea.
Here's the reason I will always love IKEA:

And Jonathan Coulton, obviously.

Crafts
* I cannot make this hat. But someone should make it for me:

[Found at Instructables]
Because I still cannot afford the super-expensive real pajamas they were selling. And that makes me sad.

Spoilers for this weeks' FREAKANGELS below my signature.
- LV

SPOILERS FOR THIS WEEKS' FREAKANGELS BELOW
- Beautiful art. How did the cops get wise to them? And their hair is so different. It makes it hard for me to tell who they are. MORE IMPORTANTLY, DO WANT THIS:

And I'm broke and trying to make nice things for my friends. It's going to be a rough season, guys. ROUGH FOR MY GREED.

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I Don't Have To Put Up With Your Misplaced Prepositions!

Blog
* You know what? Maybe you do. Maybe you do. Title is from Psych.

Tattoo Of Win
* I actually think this is a badass tattoo:

[Found at LOLTATZ]
But that doesn't mean it should be permanently burned into someone's skin. My judgement isn't always the best. What?

Moment Of Win

see more Fail Blog

Food
* This is NOT a bagel, which is too bad, because bagels are delicious and I miss Murray's Bagel shop in the city, and their lox, which was LIFE-CHANGING, and dammit, I just ate breakfast but now I want a bagel. Which this is not:

[Found at CakeSpy]
It is, in fact, a DOUGHNUT with cream-cheese frosting, and I want to make a shitload of these and not tell people what they really are, and see if they A) complain, or B) notice. But I'd eat them all, thus ruining the plan. Here's a recipe. Make some for me, OK?

Zombies
* So many people sent me this, but NAZI ZOMBIES. ZOMBIE NAZIS. BEST MOVIE EVAR.


Books
* Here's a great article on the Kindle debacle where they deleted books from people's Kindles, and everyone got angry, and now they're all trying to work together for the common good. Or something. I don't know. I'm sleepy. Is this decaf coffee? I don't know, I don't look, I just MAKE it. AND I miscounted the number of blank shirts I have. AND I need some Sharpies. And Spongebob is running around testing the slime viscosity of his pet snail. I can't find the batteries for the remote.
As far as all this goes, I'm just going to stick with real books, and also audio books, which is my new thing, if the author happens to be a deleriously sexy Welsh fellow.

Star Trek
* Apparently, I am very hungry today:

[Found at ONTD_StarTrek]
Zachary Quinto and I shall feast upon this glory, then go take over the world, because season two of Heroes is so problematic I cannot BEGIN to dissect it. I really would like to watch the movie again. It was really quite excellent.

Daily Hot Guy(s)

[Alan Rickman and Tom Felton from the Harry Potter series. This is why you always want to play with the bad guys. Because we get these fellas, and the good guys are stuck with Daniel Radcliffe, who seems like a fine young man, but really? No.]

Torchwood
* Sigh. They changed the covers for the new Torchwood books from gorgeous, Ianto covers to stupid Gwen covers:

[Found at a_silver_story]
I don't even have the energy to be angry anymore. I've been putting off finishing my Torchwood rewatch, because once it's done, I have to go back and watch Children of the Earth, because that's how my brain works, and I really don't want to be a sobbing, awful wreck over it again. At least not without proper alcohol cushioning of the system.
Joss Whedon may make me cry regularly, and consistently (but not in Dollhouse, yet, a fact that is now going to make me very nervous) but I never felt like he disrespected the characters. I never felt they were treated with anything but love, even when he was slaughtering them LEFT AND RIGHT. Russell T. Davies, you are not Joss Whedon. For so many reasons.

Inglourious Basterds
* So, by now we all know Christoph Waltz is going to get the Best Supporting Actor nomination for his terrifying, genius role as the Jew Hunter (and Jackie Earle Haley will get nominated for Best Actor, since he was the main character in Watchmen, and he should win because WTF for Little Children, he should have won for THAT, dammit, and then um... I don't know who should win for Best Actress. I'll get back to you) and Quentin Tarantino has publicly stated that if it weren't for Christoph Waltz gave him the movie, and I'm sort of inclined to agree, because he is the holding point, and he scares the SHIT out of me, and the strudel scene made me fear pastry. Here's an interview.

People I Love
* God DAMN, Seth Green:

[Found at WorldOfWonder]
I was going to write this whole long post on how much I loved you growing up, and how we're both short so we would be a cute couple, and how fun you are in everything, even utter shit, and how you were the only part of the movie It that didn't make me demented with fear, and how great you were in Can't Hardly Wait and Radio Days and Buffy, and how much I cried when Oz left the show, and I think Robot Chicken is a new sort of genius, and I wish you would work again with Joss Whedon, and basically how you are one of my longest crushes, if not intense and dramatic, consistent, one of those crushes that lasts forever, etc. etc.
But you know what? You look really good holding that gun. And Apparently, you get enough stupid questions.
So I say DAMN.

Stuff To Live
* Yeah, this should be free:

[Found at NerdApproved]
Because it's true. And you shouldn't have to pay for the truth. AIRTIGHT LOGIC.

Movie!Fail
* In high school, me and my friends went through a rabid phase wherein we all read Youth In Revolt numerous times, and essentially thought it was the greatest piece of literature in history. I don't know why. Because it's not that great, at all, and some parts are downright awful. I don't dislike the book, except for the discomfort I feel over our devotion. So the movie just... it does nothing for me at all. And I want Michael Cera to stop playing George Michael Bluth, unless he's IN the damn Arrested Development movie itself, AM I RIGHT?

Not feeling it. Sorry.

Jackie Earle Haley

[Found at JackieEarleHaleyFans]
I posted this to keep myself calm and not-upset when I read about all the awesome that 2010 will hold, and then realizing it is STILL 2009, and that Shutter Island got pushed back, and they still have the old date! WHY? But it's a cool interview, and the above picture soothes me so much.

Random
* OK, first of all, if you follow me on Twitter you get sneak peaks of all my stencil madness, which is why you should be following me on Twitter. The end. TOTE BAG OF WIN.

* Second of all: I found this autograph in my bag of autographs, and I have NO IDEA who it is from, because I am a bad person:

If you can help me identify this, I will reward you. Somehow. It is most likely a comic/movie/book person. That is not remotely helpful, is it?

* Finally, I cannot count. Or someone is stealing my shirts, which is ALARMING, because I only have three shirts and a tote, instead of four and a tote. So, I may go get more. I need more stencil paper, too. And Sharpies. These are my thoughts.
- LV

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It Is Prophesied In The Book Of Leviticus That The Beefs Shall Be Jerkied & The Gulps Shall Be Big.

Blog
* Man, I can wait for the beefs to be jerkied. Title is from The Daily Show.

Awesome - Quasi New Category!
* This is basically stuff I can't label any other way, but I want to talk about. LIKE THIS: Did you know swearing mitigates pain? YES. Science hasn't failed us! Swearing makes pain less traumatic, and allows us to endure it for longer. So swear. SWEAR UNTIL YOUR TONGUE RUPTURES! I won't lie, I just like cursing. It adds some spice to any conversation. Who isn't charmed when the person they're conversing with starts talking about 'motherfucking taxes'? That's classy.

Star Trek
I'm not going to lie, this may be the reason I had a soul-crushing sinus headache all day yesterday.

[Found at ONTD_StarTrek]
Coffee lodged in one's nasal cavity is never pleasant. On the upside, we now know why Twilight is allowed to exist. There are more here. Including a saucy Chekov one that I nearly posted, but Spock wins forever. All that aside, keep your Twilight out of my Star Trek. Or I'll have Kirk stab you in the face. I can do that.

WTF, INTERNET?
* Internet we need to talk. I accept the fact that you show me stupid, inexplicable, offensive, baffling shit on a daily basis. It is why I love you. Ours is an unhealthy relationship. But every once in a while, something so MORONIC appears across my browser that I almost don't want to deal with it:

[Found at NerdApproved]
This is a moose clipboard. A moose clipboard. I am sure Sarah Palin has fifty in different colors. But let's stop and think about this. Someone was holding a regular, innocent clipboard. They looked at it. They had a thought. That thought was, 'Gee, this clipboard needs more MOOSE in it.' What is going ON? This isn't nearly as weird as half the shit I post in this category, but it makes NO SENSE. THERE IS NO CONNECTION BETWEEN MOOSE AND CLIPBOARDS. NO CONNECTION AT ALL. Why this bothers me more than, I don't know, people dressing up as ducks and beating each other with raw hunks of meat, is probably something we shouldn't delve into. Maybe because that is so weird that it's comfortably out of the realm of my world. But a moose clipboard? You KNOW that something sinister is lurking in the mind of its creator.

Movie!Win
* IT's OK. IT IS OK. EVERYONE STOP PANICKING. THEY ARE NOT MAKING THE HEATHERS SEQUEL. LET'S NEVER SPEAK OF THIS HIDEOUS MOMENT IN OUR CULTURE EVER AGAIN, OK?

Animals
* I would like to announce, here, the founding of the ElleVee Memorial Goat Tower:

[Found at BoingBoing]
True, I am not dead, have no goats, and when I built a gingerbread house with my brother the cookie people were smothered to death in the wreckage, but LOOK HOW HAPPY THE GOATS ARE. HERE, GOATY GOATY GOATY.

Daily Hot Guy
* DUDE.

[Alan Rickman as Professor Severus Snape. How sick is it that I want him to glare at me and tell me my personal and intellectual failings? Please don't answer that.]

Apocalypse How?
* If you are depressed, frightened about the future, confused about the world, or otherwise perturbed about what lies ahead of us as a species, do not watch this video of Bruce Sterling:
"
Man is indeed wise and brilliant, but not the person you want to call to get someone off the ledge. "You can jump, or you can walk away into the UNKNOWN, the NOTHING of the future." "Please stop talking. He jumped an hour ago." "FUUUUTTTUUUUURRREEEE."

Harry Potter
* If you're going to make fun, or roll your eyes, you can screw right off. I love it, it's FUN, the books are well-written, and nobody SPARKLES or makes thinly-veiled abstinence statements or undermines women or can rip you in two with their SEX, so I win. Anyway, as much as I love all my fandoms, there are things that are not OK. Like Rorschach thongs. And while I appreciate other people who never lost faith in Snape (and for those of you who did, you FAIL at LIFE), this is sort of undermining the beauty and tragedy of the character:

I mean, Snape would burn you ALIVE if he saw that. And you'd DESERVE it. This is also not OK:

TRAGIC, MISUNDERSTOOD CHARACTER. This is like me getting a mug that said, 'Walter is OK with me!' NO. STOP MISINTERPRETING THE CHARACTER. Also, don't call him Severus. If you called Rorschach 'Walter,' you'd have ten broken fingers AND an intimate knowledge of a nearby elevator shaft. Anyway, calling him 'Severus' is about an inch away from calling him 'Sevvie,' and I don't have enough bandwith to tell you how wrong that is.
This just made me scream:

If you are trying to hug the Potions Master, you must have read a different book series. Because the Potions Master I know and love is kind of a sick, unhappy person who does not go around HUGGING.

Doesn't the writing on this look like Shrek? I can't... I HAVE A FANDOM TATTOO, AND YET I WOULD NOT WEAR THIS SHIRT. WHAT DOES THAT SAY?

I won't lie. I would see this movie. Hundred's of times. I want to watch him make flight attendants cry.

Here's a fun little clip on how all the stuff I just showed you has DAMNED YOU TO HELL. HAHAHAHAHA.

And, finally, here are two reviews of the new movie. This one can't believe it's rated PG. (Neither can I, having read the books.) This one is a Wired review. If Wired doesn't mock it, it's beyond reproach.
Yes, I'm seeing the movie tonight. Yes I'm a little excited. Yes, I'm wearing green. What? Slytherin PWNS you all.

Words Of Win

[Found at Indexed]

OK, need to go to the pharmacy. Because, as atonement for having a week filled with Watchmen: The Director's Cut AND Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, I am being forced to suffer a sinus headache so bad I threw up yesterday, and cried, and slept a lot. So Tylenol is in order. A LOT of Tylenol.
Also, and completely unrelated, there is a circle of hell reserved specially for people who make you wait an hour and a half for a five minute doctor's appointment. Just saying.
- LV

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Real Life Is Irritating

So, I finally put aside a whole day just to write [ignoring my sinus headache, which has reached Biblical proportions], and instead I have spent a huge chunk of the day on the phone with my mother, and online searching for cheap flights and cheap hotels.

I'm not complaining [much]. It's just extremely stressful to have to make travel plans without conferring with my traveling companion [she's already in Europe, 7 hours ahead and her phone isn't working]. Plus my mom keeps screaming at me for being indecisive, which is a valid critique of my personality, but not helping the situation.

So I'm going to just book the flights, and if there's any issue on her part, we can change them. Right? Right. That is how I've decided to look at it.

Writing chapter five on the computer, because I got inspired and didn't feel like grabbing my notebook and looking for a pen. Poor Thanatos just got his ass kicked by Death. He may be my favorite character, because he's unabashedly an opportunist and a weasel. It's good to be comfortable with yourself.

Also have a short story idea I've been mulling over for a few weeks. I have a bunch of lines, and I know how it ends [roughly], but I haven't written anything down yet. It involves an old typewriter, New York in the winter, and other worlds. It's creepy and psychological and supernatural, or it will be once I've written it.

TROUBLESOME TRANSITIONS [AKA, in my mind, MURDERS & MONSTERS] is very talky. I haven't decided if this is a problem yet. But so far the scenes all involve people standing around talking, or researching and talking. So I added a bit of violence to chapter 5. I'm on page 70, making this the longest story I have ever written [not counting some truly awful screenplays I wrote in high school that were thinly veiled ripoffs of Quentin Tarantino films].

My sinus headache is worse. And I just chugged a whole coffee before I realized that 'nonfat' implies 'milk,' because I am stressed out and not very bright sometimes.

Does anyone else thing that K.D. LANG and CLAY AIKEN look like the same person?

FOOD NETWORK is a bad choice of entertainment when you're very hungry, and have no food to look forward to besides cold cans of soup and overpriced crappy coffee.

OK, off to book tickets, make plans, and hopefully get some damn writing done.

Happy Birthday ALAN RICKMAN!
- LV

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Galaxy Quest Quotes

Funniest movie in years. Total goodness, with ALAN RICKMAN, SAM ROCKWELL, TONY SHALOUB, SIGOURNEY WEAVER, and... it's just really fucking funny and smart, and if you ever liked STAR TREK, you are legally obligated to see this movie.

"What IS this thing? There's no useful purpose for there to be a bunch of chompy, crushy things in the middle of a hallway!"
"Gwen —"
"No! I mean, we shouldn't have to do this! It makes no logical sense! Why is it here?!"
"Because it's on the television show."
"Well, forget it! I'm not doing it! This episode was BADLY WRITTEN!"

"It's a rock! It doesn't HAVE any vulnerable spots!"

"Guys, I was there. I was up there. Remember yesterday at the convention, those people dressed up like aliens? They WERE aliens! They were Termites, or-or Dalmatians... I can't really remember 'cause I was hung over. But what they built was extraordinary!"

"You broke the ship, you BROKE the bloody ship!"

"We have enjoyed preparing many of your esoteric dishes. Your Monte Cristo sandwich has become a favorite among the adventurous."

"Let's get out of here before one of those things kills Guy!"

"How did I come to this?"
"Not again."
"I played Richard the Third!"
"Five curtain calls."
"There were five curtain calls. I was an ACTOR once, damn it! Now look at me. Look at me! I can't go out there, and I won't say that STUPID line one more time. I can't and I won't!"

"You WILL go out there!"
"I won't. And nothing you can say will make me."
"The show must go on."
"...Damn you. Damn you! I won't say that stupid line one more time!"

"Whoever wrote this episode should DIE!"

"I changed my mind, I wanna go back."
"After all the fuss you made about getting left behind?"
"Yeah, but that's when I thought I was the crewman that stays on the ship and something is up there and it kills me. But now I'm thinking I'm the guy that gets killed by some monster five minutes after we land on the planet."
"You're not going to die on the planet, Guy."
"I'm not? Then what's my last name?"
"It's, um... um, um... I don't know."
"Nobody knows. You know why? Because my character isn't important enough for a last name... because I'm gonna die five minutes in."
"Guy, you HAVE a last name."
"DO I?! DO I?! For all you know, I'm 'Crewman Number Six!' Mommy! MOMMY!"
"Are we there yet?"

"Wait! Don't open that! It's an alien planet! Is there AIR? You don't know!"

"Look at that. Look. They look like little children."
"Could they be the miners?"
"Sure. I mean, they're like three years old."
"MINERS, not MINORS."
"You lost me."

"I don't like this. I don't like this at all."
"Oh, they are so cute!"
"Sure, they're cute NOW. But in a second they're gonna get mean, and they're gonna get ugly somehow, and there's gonna be a million more of them."

"Did you guys ever WATCH the show?"

"We'll need a signal. I'll cup my hands like this and go 'Caw! Caw!'"
"What are you, an infant?!"

Look around you. Can you form some sort of rudimentary lathe?"

"What was that?"
"Uh, nothing."
"I heard some squealing or something."
"No, everything is fine."
"But the animal is inside out."
"I heard that! It got turned inside out?"
"And it exploded."
"Did I just hear that the animal turned inside out and then EXPLODED?"
"Um... hold, please."

"I'm just a glorified extra, Fred. I'm a dead man anyway. If I gotta die I'd rather go out a hero than a coward."
"Guy — Guy, maybe you're the plucky comedy relief. You ever think about that?"
"Plucky?"
"Besides. Haha! I just had this really interesting idea...Yeah let's go."
"Are you stoned?"

"Enemy is matching velocity."
"The enemy is matching velocity."
"We heard it the first time."
"Gosh, I'm doing it. I'm repeating the darn computer!"

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I Intended On Being Asleep Over An Hour Ago

Is anyone else as insanely excited about SWEENEY TODD as I am? I bought the soundtrack, and mother of fuck, it's really good. Johnny Depp has a surprisingly good voice [not like Ewan McGregor in MOULIN ROUGE! quality, but still perfect, and quite sexy], although I'm quite biased, since I worship Depp and Tim Burton. TIM BURTON IS GOD! GOD, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

It is weird to hear Alan Rickman sing. I mean he's good, but still - Snape is singing. Ponder that.

Helena Bonham Carter is just OK, but she grows on you. And Sacha Baron Cohen makes me want to have his sleazy babies.

If the movie isn't good, I'm going to go on a Sweeney-style killing spree. For real. It will be terrifying.

I'm going home tomorrow. That's all.

Anyone else excited about Sweeney? I'm preordering my tickets and everything, fuckers.

May SWEENEY TODD be all that it should be.
- LV

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Reports Of My Death Were Greatly Exaggerated

Yes, I am alive and... well, alive.

Lots of stuff to report, but I'm not sure I want to go into any of it. Most of it is either tragic or depressing or dull. And nobody wants that, do we? So a few random notes.

* Mitch Huckabee running for the Presidential Nomination. I keep thinking, "I Heart Huckabee" and giggling like an ass. He should use that as his slogan. I wouldn't vote for him, but I'd still find it funny.

* SWEENEY TODD! Oh. My. God. You've got Johnny Depp, Alan Rickman, Sacha Baron Cohen, and Helena Bonham Carter. You've got Tim Burton. You've got SINGING. Well, that's actually kind of worrisome. But I trust these people, and I'm going to see it, and I'm going to love it no matter how bad it may be. I have decided I love this movie. Deal with it.

* WATCHMEN stills look orgasmic. I want to cuddle them. WHY is it going to be another year until I get to see this movie? Yes, I'm worried it will be vile and destroy my tenuous faith in the film industry, plunging me into a deep well of despair and endless whining. But if it's good, it's going to be really, really good. Epic goodness could be around the corner.

* HARRY POTTER: So obsessed. Ashamed of my obsession, but loving every humiliating minute. December 11th is when ORDER OF THE PHOENIX comes out, the only one I have yet to see. Yes, I'm going to buy it. Love it all so much. And I was so defiantly proud of NOT being one of those people. I have eaten my words several times over, and made my apologies to the appropriate sources.

* ENCHANTED was really, really good. I went to see it solely to have something to mock, and I left with a big idiotic grin of pure enjoyment on my usually vacant face. It was just so much fun. I want Amy Adams to be my best friend forever. I didn't even hate the dude from GREY'S ANATOMY.

* Going to dinner tonight with AMY GOODMAN of DEMOCRACY NOW. Long story how this happened, and I don't feel like telling it. Should be interesting.

* Netflix is my soulmate.

May I update more regularly, and may life start to make more sense than it has these past few weeks. And may all the movies I want to see be glorious goodness, and all the people I don't like get really itchy dry skin.
- LV

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Frustration, Angst, & General Douchery

A lot of things suck right now. Actually, a lot of things suck all the time, but I have a highly trained ability to ignore anything that doesn't directly effect me. It's a gift.

But, to quote Arrested Development, I am learning life lessons all over the place. And I shall impart this steaming-fresh wisdom to all of you, so that perhaps the sucky things in your life will be marginally less sucky. Smell the wisdom.

* Even after you graduate from college, your parents can essentially control your life – Unless you are some amazing, magical person who immediately got a fantastic job out of college, in which case I hope you get crabs, you are going to have to rely on your parents to some extent in the post-college world. This sucks. A lot. In fact, this situation may bring about an entirely new level of suckiness in your life. Your parents can, for example, entirely dictate your future living situation, regardless of what you may actually want. If you don’t see how this can be a miserable situation, you are probably a parent, and I hate you.

To explain a bit: I was planning on living with two of my best friends. Because none of us have won the lottery, we were looking in Brooklyn. My parents did not like any of the neighborhoods we could afford. Cue two days of hysterical screaming into the phone, and very creative cursing. End result: I am going to have to live alone.
Now, I do understand my parent’s concerns. And I would like to not be dead, as it is no fun and necrophilia really frightens me. However, that does not make me any less annoyed, or any less inclined to abuse my ‘in case of emergencies’ credit card until they get the bill, and cancel it. Which leads me to my next earth-shattering life lesson:

* Apartment-hunting sucks – Especially in New York City. And especially when you have limited funds. And ultra-especially, when your parents have an unnerving amount of power in the whole situation because you are an intern getting paid jack-shit and can’t find a job that will give you the money to allow you to live where they want you to live. Brokers should be nice to me. They are sucking my will to live, and not in a fun or sexy way. New York is way too expensive, which is admittedly not an original complaint, but come ON. On the upside, since my parents effectively executed my previous living plans, they’ve told me I can get a cat. Because cats make everything better, and expertly assuage parental guilt.

* Job-hunting sucks – This alone is the perfect reason NOT to go to liberal arts college. While you will have a well-rounded education, and understand the complex inner workings of reality TV and youtube, you will have no chance in hell of finding a job. This is why most liberal arts students go to grad school, and have drinking problems, and cannot succeed in love, and cry themselves to sleep night after endless, lonely night. Take my advice – if your parents can afford grad school, take it. Don’t take time off. I am lucky enough that my parents could theoretically afford to send me to grad school, but now I feel like returning to the educational system would be like admitting defeat. I AM defeated, and royally fucked at the moment, but I won’t ADMIT it. Even though I just did.

* Work sucks – This may seem hypocritical considering my last complaint/piece of advice, and it is. That doesn’t make it any less true. I am stuck at this desk for another six hours, and have nothing to do. I will continue to have nothing to do. In the meantime, I cannot look for an apartment or a job, thus improving my situation. I can sit here and complain. Which I’m incredibly good at, but Monster.com does not have any job listings for people who can bitch their fucking heads off.
* Sinus infections suck – Anyone who has one knows what I mean.

And so much for that. My advice to anyone still in college? Stay in college. As long as physically possible. Consider medical school. I know I am – and by medical school, I mean fantasizing about House, M.D..

TV/Movie Things That Make Life Suck Less
• A Bit Of Fry & Laurie – Best skit show ever. Makes old SNL look like the new SNL, and the new SNL look like – I don’t know, MadTV or something equally repugnant. And I charged the boxed set to my parent’s credit card, because I am passive aggressive and petty. Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry should run their own country. I'd live there.
• Alan Rickman – My friend Esse can confirm this. You know it to be true. Embrace it.
• House, M.D. – Because I like mentioning it constantly, to annoy you all. And it’s still true. Even truer than the other stuff I have said, which is all gloriously truth.
• KNOCKED UP – Seth Rogen is the shit. And I liked him back in Freaks & Geeks, which would never have been cancelled if there was a God. Or a higher national IQ.

Oh, and am I the only one who found it really alarming that two of the most prolific directors of all time DIED within a few days of each other? What’s even more alarming is that, according to the surveys at IMDB.com, nobody has even seen any of their films. But EVERYONE ran out and saw Crash, which ranks with rectal warts in terms of quality and entertainment. You make me sick – almost as sick as that last comment.

That’s all I can say for the moment. Further bulletins as events warrant, or depending on how incredibly bored I am.
- LV

PS Who the fuck actually voted in my survey that they only read this when they're really, really bored? Come on, there are other websites far more entertaining than this one! Just look at my links. You should spend your days hysterically reloading this page, desperate for whatever nuggets of wisdom I deign to squeeze out. I just reread that last line, and officially admit that I am gross.

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