I Tried To Stay In The Car. I Really Did!

Blog
* He's lying, you know. He didn't try to stay in the car AT ALL. Title is from Castle, which got renewed!

People I Love
* Kelly Osbourne looks awesome (and I want her hair), her fiancee is adorable and practically clear he is so pale and blonde, and her dress amuses me to no end:

[Found at World of Wonder]
Really, how do I get that hair color? We as a society need to make this happen.

Geek Want
* When did sneakers become so amazingly cool again? And can we possibly get some Firefly sneakers? OOH, or Doctor Who-themed Converse, in honor of David Tennant? I HAVE SHOE IDEAS THAT THE WORLD NEEDS. Ahem. Here are Paper Mario Nikes:

[Found at Like Cool]
Oh, but my Imaginary Sneakers Of Super Awesome wouldn't be almost $200. That amount of money doesn't exist! HAHA.... I want to go shopping.

Food!Fail
* After multiple cakes of adorable charm, I figured I'd show you one that will crush your soul and destroy the very fiber of your being:

[Found at Very Demotivational]
Saddest. Cake. Ever.

Technology
* Here's a guide for watching porn on your iPad at work. I don't have an iPad, I don't watch porn (especially at work), and to be honest the fact that this article exists makes me want to sob over the fate of society. People, please: WAIT UNTIL YOU GET HOME TO ENJOY PORNOGRAPHY. Or at least aren't at work. I know it's about office work, but I just keep thinking about airplane pilots doing this, and I have ENOUGH PLANE ANXIETY AS IT IS, OK?

Life Lessons
* I love Spongebob, and I will not apologize for that. Plankton and Squidward are brilliant. And after a long day at work, sometimes I want to watch a talking sponge go jellyfishing with a squirrel, OK? I DON'T JUDGE YOUR LIFE. And while there are endless jokes involving Spongebob, and drugs, few are quite so accurate. Here's your handy guide for the spongey chemicals.:

[Found at Friggin Random]
Oh, and one episode definitely had a joke about Spongebob innocently delivering drugs to Patrick. For reals.

Daily Hot Guy

[Sam Trammell, AKA Sam Merlotte from True Blood. Have I mentioned I miss True Blood? In the South, everyone has amazing supernatural sex all the time and drinks and eats insane food. It's on HBO, so you know it's true.]

Daily Icon

[Sophia Loren, proof that goddesses do walk among us, and maybe if we stand close to them we can absorb some of their fabulosity.]

Movie!Win
* Have you seen The Raven? It's six minutes of epic fucking genius:

Avatar can EAT ME, I'll just watch this for two hours. And you know what? I'll be HAPPIER.

Wow
* Guys, what do you even want me to say here? What COULD I SAY? I just... I don't know. Nothing makes sense anymore. It's been a weird week, with a lot of stress, and I don't even OWN any chicken memorabilia:

[Found at The World's Best Ever]
To quote Warren Ellis, NO CHIKKINS.

WTF, INTERNET
* Ladies and gentlemen, I present a reusable Pokemon Maxi Pad. So when women have their period, they look at Pikachu:

[Found at Neatorama]
This is either the best thing or the worst thing ever to have happened in the history of the universe. I don't know. I can't decide. It's sort of hilarious, and entertaining, but it's Pokemon and I don't know. I'm more alarmed that someone looked at a Pokemon and decided to create a maxi pad. Who looks at Pikachu and thinks, "Wow, I'd love to BLEED ALL OVER THAT ONCE A MONTH?" I DEMAND AN ANSWER. Or maybe not. Maybe some things are best left unknown.
And maybe it's just me, but I don't much like the idea of Pokemon leaping into my lower orifice.

Animals
* BABY WOMBAT BABY WOMBAT IT IS SO TINY AND WEE AND BABY WOMBAT:

[Found at Daily Mail]
Wombats are native to New Jersey, right? I CAN HAZ? I'll name him Sigfried, and he can sleep at the foot of my bed with my dog and cat. BABY WOMBAT.

Music
* If Lady Gaga, Beyonce, and Metallica all had a huge orgy and then a hideous freak baby emerged from that unholy union, this is what we'd get:

I've named it MetalliGaga. Featuring Beyonce.

TeeVee
* I am full of conflict. For years, FOX has been the Evil TV Overlord. They cancel ALL the shows I love, and make me cry, and fuck up the order of the episodes they do air (remember what they did to Firefly? DO YOU?) or they cut the number (Arrested Development) and basically take every show I love and shit all over it, leaving me a miserable and angry fangirl shouting into the void of the internet, while Life, Unexpected gets renewed on the CW (I have never seen this show, but the commercials were so obnoxious that I hate the show forever now) (CW is still the WB, no matter what ANYONE says).

But the winds are changing. No, really. This year, FOX made Glee, and they renewed Human Target AND Lie To Me, when common sense insisted that one of them would get the axe, which made me enormously happy, because now I have snarky British Tim Roth AND Jackie Earle Haley on a weekly basis. So apparently FOX is taking a break from making me sad, since they already cancelled Dollhouse a while back.

BUT BUT now NBC is being dickish. As I mentioned, they cancelled Heroes. And while I love the show (I have to admit Igave up this season because I had no idea what was going on, and nobody seemed to have any clue what they were doing, and Hiro was sad all the time, and Sylar was more whiny than insane/sexy, among other reasons) it was time for it to go. It had a good few years (its first season remains genius) and deserves to step out with dignity (and a return of Christopher Eccleston as Crazy Invisible Pigeon Man Of Secks?).

Unfortunately, NBC has decided to steal the Dickish Network title from FOX, for reasons I cannot comprehend, and is just ENDING the series on a CLIFFHANGER, and not even giving us a series finale TV movie episode THING. AND THAT IS HORSE-SHIT. LV DOES NOT APPROVE IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM. The show was really good, and juggled some very complex (occassionally demented) plot lines, and ROBERT FORRESTER WAS A VILLAIN, DUDES. AND SULU WAS ON IT. SULU. SULU WILL FUCK A BITCH UP. God dammit, I'm remembering how much I used to love the show.

OK, new plan: Sylar and Peter Petrelli team up and fight the NBC Executive assholes, shirtless, and Hiro makes that adorable wobbly face, and Sulu KILLS EVERYONE, and then the cute boys all kiss, and Claire falls down a well (OH, and Ali Larter, who does not have a power but a DISORDER) the end.

I miss Heroes.
- LV

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Clouds Don't Kill People. People Kill People.

Blog
* What if people killed people, only with the mighty power of clouds? Did I just blow your mind? HA, a wind joke... don't look at me. Title is from Psych.

* April I will be blogging every day for NaBloPoMo, because the blogging here has been disgraceful. Really, there is dust everywhere, no one has been in here to blog in ages, and IS THAT A ROACH? SOMEONE KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Music
* I am going to pimp out my friend Danielle's EP, Stagefright at Traffic Lights, because A) she is brilliant and beautiful and Irish, B) she is a wonderful friend, and C) the EP is remarkable. My personal favorite song is 'Pact,' but her piano work and lyrics are lovely, funny, and sad. It's dark, clever cabaret, and worth a listen. You can sample the songs for free, but you need to download the album to get two secret tracks. Oh, and Danielle is also a writer, a blogger, and I think I need to go visit her in October at Octocon, FOR SCIENCE.

Whut?

[Found at VeryDemotivational.com]
I get it's supposed to be a joke, but Patrick Star over in the corner is REALLY freaking me out. Also, WHAT?

Food!Win
* See, this cake is too cute to eat, which I think is rude.

[Found at Geekologie]
How can I eat something so adorable and sweet and wholesome? ....OK, I would, but I'd feel guilty about it. Really guilty. There would be tears. Remember that Simpsons episode where Homer had to eat Pinchie, because Pinchie would have wanted it? Yeah, basically that, only me weeping between bites of cake, whimpering, "Why did you have to be so delicious, Wall-E, stop staring at me is that real buttercream icing?"

Words Of Win
* See, guys, it's stuff like this that makes people hate America:

[Found at FailBlog]
Hell, I hate us, and I live here. Oh, and I really wish they'd put an apostrophe in "you'd," because that is how my brain works.

Fandom
* Did you know you can buy a replica of the dagger Jake used in Avatar?

[Found at Nerd Approved]
For $129, you can immediately ostracize the many, many people who didn't like Avatar (or, like me, thought it was overrated, and preferred the original version, AKA Ferngully: The Last Rainforest).

But you know what you can't buy? The best picture Oscar, HAH. It's OK, James Cameron is wiping his tears with $100 bills, while I make nasty comments about his expensive memorabilia. So everyone wins, really. Remember when Avatar lost the Oscar to a movie that didn't involve hair!sex? Yeah, I was excited. I'm sorry, it was a beautiful movie - really, visually gorgeous and I want to be Sigourney Weaver when I grow up, but I am an immature young lady, and I cannot get past the fact that they ran around STICKING THEIR BODY PARTS IN LIVING THINGS. It's rude. I'm sorry, this is the last rant on Avatar ever. It's time to let it go. I must be stronger than my exasperation.

What was I talking about? Oh, the daggers. They're very pretty.

People I Love
* Did I ever tell you guys about the time Warren Ellis Tweeted me, and I was so worried I'd say something to inspire his much-deserved wrath that I had to turn off my laptop and go drink some tea, to calm down? Probably, because I love and fear Warren Ellis and the awful things he says. I also love Twitter, to the point where my private account has a shameful number of Tweets that speaks of serious problems, but I never use my Facebook, so it evens out, RIGHT?

Anyway. This is how Warren Ellis refers to Twitter:

Twitter: A Shitbox For Your Brain

And thus it is. I mean, look at what he writes on Twitter. BEHOLD:

* Haven’t trimmed my beard in so long that it’s gone from Crackling Virility Hedge to Hobo Rape Thicket.

If Twitter is a Shitbox for your brain, there are disturbing implications about my need to compulsively Tweet my irritation over toilet paper commercials.

(WHY BEARS? SOMEONE EXPLAIN HOW THIS WILL SELL ME A PRODUCT).

Love and fear are both part of the Warren Ellis packet. And sometimes some nausea. Also, I really really need this Brain Bleach Mug, so someone should buy it for me. I'll blog more! And... drink coffee from it, probably.

Daily Hot Guy
[Misha Collins, AKA Castiel from Supernatural, AKA "I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition," AKA BAMF ANGEL, AKA did you know his appearance is based on Constantine from Hellblazer? Yes, I have a problem with him. No, I don't want to talk about it. 2010: The Year Of Hot Badass Angels. And LV said it was good.]

Daily Icon

[Carrie Fisher, inarguable proof that you can be a total hottie, an actress, an author, a memoirist, and a brilliantly funny human being. And have a sense of humor about your gold bathing suit.]

Awesome
* It's funny because it's true. And it explains why blogging in the morning can be nigh on impossible, when there is suddenly decaffeinated coffee in the vicinity. What is the point of decaf? TO DESTROY LIVES AND BLOGS, THAT'S THE POINT.

[Found at The Oatmeal]
There are four more phases, and only two of them are good. The other two... we don't talk about those. You can't crash if you NEVER STOP DRINKING CAFFEINE. No, I never abused my caps lock key before I started ingesting energy drinks on a daily basis, why do you ask?

Technology
* I usually blame the failings of technology on the evil demons that live in the internet, or my own near-legendary skill to destroy things without trying. So when this reason came up in the Bastard Operator From Hell-Style Excuses Server, I felt JUSTIFIED:

Daemon escaped from pentagram .

The excuses on this page for server errors make me happy, and I think if we all used them constantly, the world would be a better place. Now someone go redraw the pentagram. And get more rock salt.

Life Lessons
* I don't know if Millarca made this or just found it, but either way it is the ultimate and final truth:

If she and Freddie Mercury joined forces, the universe would be a fabulous and lovely place. Why is this not the way life is?

Movie!Win
* Yes, this is very old, but you know what? Win is Win, and I demand that some of these improbable movie trading cards exist, RIGHT NOW:

[Found at Automatic Lifestyle Dispenser]
I would buy Barton Fink trading cards. I would buy them like nobody's business. And Miller's Crossing trading cards. Man, that was a fantastic movie. Oh, and remember The Hudsucker Proxy? I love the Coen brothers. And they seem like they'd make trading cards, don't they? This feels so right.

Wow
* Sometimes, I really and truly believe that the internet was created with the sole purpose of slowly driving us all insane:

[Found at LikeCool]
Why? Who looks at a mosquito (one of the most evil creatures on the planet, and right up there with raisins and clowns on the list of Things LV Hates & Fears), and thinks, 'Gee, wouldn't it be super-nifty if mosquitos were mated with elephants, and destroyed civilization by SMOOSHING US, THEN SUCKING THE SMOOSHED BLOOD?' You know what? I don't want to know the logic there. Mosquitos are evil, and I hate them, and now I need a tennis racket for when it gets warmer, because these things are coming.

Yes, artistically it's gorgeous and well-done, but let's forget that and focus on the abject horror here. And why do I feel like the elephant is undressing me with his eyes? I'm all sorts of uncomfortable.

WTF, INTERNET?
* You know what? It's images like these that make me want to give up on this category, because there is HONESTLY NOTHING I could write that would in any way enhance the insanity of this product:

[Found at Nerd Approved]
It's a Screaming Condom USB drive. Yeah. You know, I don't get paid for this. And if I did, I'd be demanding a raise, because HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE ANY JOKES ABOUT A SCREAMING CONDOM USB DRIVE? THE PRODUCT IS THE JOKE. SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE.

Now I have a headache, and a pervasive fear that a random blue condom will show up and scream at me, and I will never know why. Well played, Internet.
- LV

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Did You Ever Get That Ninja Ghost Out Of Your Toilet?

Blog
* Actually, we came to a cautious truce with the ninja ghost. His name is Frank. We don't use that toilet anymore. Title is from Invader Zim.

* LOOKIT. A REAL BLOG ENTRY.

WTF, INTERNET?
* At first, I thought this was just a joke.

see more Epic Fails
It's not.
Now, let's try to imagine using this in real life. What do you do when your partner straps this onto their head? How do you respond? Laughing awkwardly while trying to gather up your clothes? Hitting them with the nearest lamp and fleeing to a nunnery/convent/monastery?
I can see someone buying this as a gag, but the idea of a person purchasing this with the serious intent of using it to find their partners' bits just messes with my head. You should not need a special light for this. The end. NO, THE END. The conversation is over.

Fandom
* I don't give a crap WHICH fandom you are a member of, this may very well be the most terrifying pillow in existence:

[Found at Regretsy]
Its neck NEVER ends. It just goes on and on forever, and bobs gently in the breeze, as it stares at you with its dead, empty eyes.
And the name itself bugs me: Manllow. Shouldn't it be 'Manillow'? Or are we worried that Barry Manilow will sue? This pillow raises questions I simply am not qualified to answer.

Animals
* I'm pretty sure one of the girls from World Peace Through Jackie Earle Haley showed me this. I remember crying with laughter for several minutes.

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

I want this frog to be America's mascot. Not for any political reasons. I just love this frog.

Music
* The quality isn't great, but A) it's Butch fucking Walker, and B) I WAS AT THIS SHOW, with the sublime Laroux74, and we had to SWIM to get there, and I want to go again. He's better in concert, and I didn't think that was possible.


Zombies
* The fact that this site exists makes up for pretty much everything I've ever shown in WTF, INTERNET?. Oh, and it confirms that ZOMBIES ARE TAKING OVER. WE ARE DOOMED. WHERE'S MY FLAME THROWER? I TOLD YOU GUYS I NEEDED ONE.

Created by Mingle2.com (Dating for non-zombies)

Scary
* I hate myself for posting this. Reason number infinity I DO IN FACT NEED A FLAME THROWER, YOU GUYS. BURN THE EVIL.

[Found at Very Demotivational]
Clowns are proof that we live in an insane, evil universe that wants us to cry under the covers forever.

Daily Hot Guy

[It's OK, everyone! Tim Roth is here and he's going to shoot the clown, then set it on fire, light a cigarette off the burning clown, and make a pithy yet cutting remark in his accent. I feel better now. Tim Roth=Destroyer of Evil.]

Daily Icon

[Maya Angelou, writer, poet, literary goddess, and surprisingly funny when she's not breaking your heart. If all you've read of her work is I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings (in high school, under duress), reread it. Then go find her other works. Her poetry is breathtaking.]

Social Networking
* At least it's succinct:

see more funny facebook stuff!

Girly!Want
* Hopefully my readers either like really pretty shoes that I cannot afford, or naked lady butts:

[Found at Like Cool]
For those of you that enjoy both, you are very welcome. Now get me those shoes.

Food!Win
* Why isn't there a God of Caffeine? I mean, I jokingly make up minor gods all the time, like the God of Tangled Yarn, or the Goddess of Tripping In Front Of Your Ex And His New Girlfriend, or Goddess Of Being Out Of The One Goddamn Comic I Want To Buy This Week, but those don't count. I mean a real God of caffeine. Or a religion. We could worship caffeine, and talk about our favorite ways of ingesting caffeine, and maybe sacrifice sleeping pills to caffeine, possibly? This is starting to sound more like a support group. Which I'm also OK with.
And we could eat these:

[Found at ThinkGeek]
Yes, caffeinated cookies exist. And if you ingest them with energy drinks, you can run backwards through time. Or, you know, keel over and have to spend some time in the hospital.
Notice I managed to write a whole entry about caffeine without abusing the capslocks key. Just a sign of how little caffeine I have ingested today, and why I am a sleepy little blogger.

Moment Of Win
* Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the dentist....

see more Epic Fails
You know what would be even SCARIER? Put the oral sex light on the bear's head.

Epic!Fail
* I love England, and I want to move there and live there forever, because I think it's the best place in the universe. I am a fan of England. But before I relocate across an ocean for the love of all things British, events like these must stop taking place:

A DECISION to drop charges against a 10-year-old yob who admitted stabbing a teacher in the chest with a pencil and assaulting two other staff was condemned last night by teaching unions.

Children: Do not stab your teachers with ANYTHING. This is something I should not have to tell you. (Incidentally, why are you reading this blog, hypothetical child? WHAT ARE YOUR PARENTS DOING?)
Police: Do not drop charges against people who stab other people, with pencils or ANYTHING ELSE, OK?
Actually, if this had taken place in America, the kid would have stabbed EVERYONE with bayonet he made out of beer cans, and there'd already be a reality show about it, a made-for-TV movie, and a clothing line with strategically placed holes. So never mind, England. Carry on. Love, LV

People I Love
* I cannot draw. At all. In my wildest fantasies, I cannot draw. I accept this with a measure of bitterness, because I would very much like to have some talent in that area.
Luckily, my friends are brilliant, and draw pictures of Spider Jerusalem that make me happy in every way possible:

{Drawn by Puina]
So she'll draw things, and I can be all, 'I know wicked talented people, bitches,' and take pride through the accomplishments of others. Excellent plan.

I'd make some promise to blog regularly, but then you'd all be cross if I don't, and frankly I don't need that stress in my life. But I have an upcoming interview to post, reviews, yelling, stuff you need to buy made by people I know and love, and even a few serious pieces. It's ALL HAPPENING, PEOPLE. Eventually.

And if I don't blog, my excuse is that the state has FLOODED, and I'm chilling on my roof.
- LV

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David Attended Public Schools, So He Confuses Hitler With Anne Frank.

Blog
* Well, I can- yeah, that's just awful. Title is from Mr. Show With Bob & David.

Comics
* These comic covers freak me out. I do not like these. Why does Mickey look like he took some bad acid?

[Found at Boing Boing]
INTERNET, STOP MAKING MY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES THINGS OF HORROR.

Food!Win
* Holy deep fried beefy ricey goodness!

[Found at This Is Why You're Fat]
Meat on a stick! Well, to be accurate, they're rice cakes wrapped in hamburger patty and pan fried. ON STICKS. Serve these at your next party, and then don't share any with your friends. That'll show them. They know what they did.

Life Lessons
* 'Wow that rain sure is wet, isn't it?'

[Found at Indexed]

Words of Win

see more Epic Fails
Companies: Check your spelling before you go to press, OK?

Doctor Who
* Remember when I posted the Doctor Who credits done like Firefly, and our collective minds shattered under the force of the awesome?
They did them Angel-style too:


Torchwood
* Guys, this just happened, for real: I just found, right this second, Torchwood credits done Angel style:

Angel's theme song may be my favorite of any Joss Whedon show. And I know there's a lot of debate between fans as to the similarities and differences of these two television creators, but as far as I'm concerned, THEY KILL WHAT I LOVE, and that's as far as the debate goes for me.

Daily Hot Guy(s)

[Zachary Quinto, AKA Sylar from Heroes, and Zachary Levi, AKA Chuck from Chuck. I have no idea what's going on in this picture, but CAN YOU FEEL THE BROMANCE? A TALE OF TWO ZACHARYS? Maybe there will be a Chuck/Heroes crossover, and Adam Baldwin will beat the everloving shit out of Peter Petrelli (Yes, I admit he's very attractive, but I still want him to get beat up on the show). This picture was sent to me by Laroux74, who is simply awesome beyond words.]

Daily Icon

[Exene Cervenka, lead singer of X (alongside John Doe), one of my favorite bands of ALL TIME. She also sang with The Knitters, and is one of the punk icons. Sadly, she has been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, but in true Exene Cervenka style, she's not letting it get her down. X has ben supporting Sweet Charity for ages, and you should too.]



Epic!Fail
* It's worse when they have no idea who he is, besides, 'a revolutionary':

see more deMotivational Posters

People I Love
* I got a reward for blogging for a month straight!

SOAK IN THE GLORY, BITCHES. My friends are cooler than your friends. Unless you ARE my friend... then... never mind. Made by the truly epic Danielle, whose website you should visit as soon as you're done here.

I'm going to England this Friday, for a week, so I probably won't blog until I get back. JUST LETTING YOU ALL KNOW.

I may be slightly panic-stricken about flying. I hate flying. DAMMIT, SCIENCE, CAN WE GET TELEPORTERS BEFORE FRIDAY? PLEASE?

- LV

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If She Talked Any More Shit She'd Be Shaped Like A Toilet.

Blog
* COMING UP NEXT WEEK: People-shaped toilets! Brought to you by the internet! Title is from True Blood.

Words of Win
* I have some issues with this story:

A 14-YEAR-OLD boy drank gasoline for five years to obtain “energy” – just as his idols “Bumble Bee” or “Optimus Prime” do in “Transformers,” the Sichuan-based West China Metropolis Daily reported yesterday.

A) This kid drank gasoline for five YEARS? HOW IS HE ALIVE?
B) His parents knew about this and DID NOTHING? I don't have kids, but if I did, and I found my child drinking gasoline to be like a giant robot, I'd switch it, I don't know, APPLE JUICE? Something that won't STRIP YOUR INNARDS?
C) He kept this up for five years? Wouldn't you give up after a year or two when you didn't become a giant, super-powerful robot? Maybe I just lack conviction.
D) GASOLINE?

Doctor Who
* Yay, a new Doctor Who audio book read by David Tennent! Ten lives on forever!

`Hello, I'm the Doctor. And, if you can hear this, then one of us is going to die.'

.......Or not. Wait, can I have a third option?

Epic!Fail
* You know what?

see more deMotivational Posters
I'll use the other bathroom. You can use this one. The fact that this picture exists has ruined all of my Friday. It's just Photoshopped, RIGHT?

People I Love
* If it were not for the internet, I might never have seen this inexplicable and frankly fabulous picture:

[Found at Oh No They Didn't]
I take back everything bad I said about the interwebz.
(Note: No, I don't know, nor do I care. Really, I don't know why Quentin Tarantino is biting Christoph Waltz's ear. I HAVE NO IDEA. Some mysteries are best left unsolved]

Daily Hot Guy

[Bruce Campbell as Sam from Burn Notice. You know, Bruce Campbell visited the Virgin Islands once. Now they're The Islands.]

Childhood!Fail
* When I was a kid, my mom read me The Runaway Bunny:

[Found at World of Wonder]
And The Giving Tree. And my parents punished me by sending me to my room, not hinting that I could possibly be SENT AWAY to experience satanic ritual abuse.

Times have changed.

Daily Icon

[Vivien Leigh, actress, fashion fierceness, and BAMF English lady who could out-Southern the Southern Belles. Also Ophelia, Cleopatra, and Blanche Du Bois, among others. Most famously, Scarlett O'Hara, a shrewd bitch and brutally pragmatic woman who took no shit, and rocked some dressed I want. Requested by Alchemistique, who stole Scarlett's wardrobe.]

Awesome
* Whoever sent me this, thank you. I hated Forrest Gump. I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR THIS. Except for Gary Sinise, who was a burning hunk of genius.


Fandom
* Yeah, this dress is not sexy, and I am not wearing it:

[Found at Like Cool]
The girl isn't helping matters. Her expression says, 'Yeah, can I have my paycheck and go wash the stink of failure from my skin?'
Can we just bring NES back?

Food!Fail
* It's things like this that make me profoundly grateful my grandmother does not read this blog. She's Italian, and takes cooking very, very seriously:

[Found at This Is Why You're Fat]
And I'm sure that ravioli stuffed with barbecued rib meat and mashed potatoes, sour cream, bacon and chives, all topped with melted cheddar, bacon, cheese sauce, green onions and shredded cheese breaks every taboo in her book of food.

Although then maybe I'd get an exclusive on a story like, 'Tiny Elderly Italian Woman Beats The Everloving Fuck Out Of Whoever Desecrated The Ravioli.' She would.

Technology
* Why, no, I haven't run out of iPad jokes, why do you ask?


Politics
* James O'Keefe is not a nice person. In fact, he is a shit head. He's not a political figure, so maybe this doesn't actually belong in this category, but he fucked with ACORN and now is fucking with New Orleans, and NOBODY would think that scrawny little piece of fail was a pimp. Oh, and he doesn't seem to like women, or people who are different races, or anybody who's not him. Can I see your cane for a minute, James?

* This photo of Scott Brown, like the iPad, NEVER stops being funny:

[Found at The ISS]
Hey, if the dude can be a naked politician, more power to him. I just think it's funny how naked he is, in Cosmopolitan. Oh, and the Democrats consider this guy to be the Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse, when we all know it's a tall blue alien that wants to sex us with his hair.

Yes, I'm still pissed about Avatar.

Dollhouse
* Um, so reading this recap of the final episode of Dollhouse made me cry, which was surprising. I mean, the show was criminally uneven, with some of the worst episodes Joss Whedon has ever done, and some of the best episodes of any show he's ever done (Truth. There are a couple of Dollhouse episodes that rank as his finest work).

But I loved it, and I loved Topher and Alpha Wash, and I cried a few times at the series finale (AND AT ELIZA DUSHKU. I apologize for doubting you. You were fabulous.) and now I'm sort of pissed at Joss Whedon for not keeping the show consistently good.

THERE WAS POTENTIAL. AND FRAN KRANZ MAKES ME SHOUTY BECAUSE HE AND ALPHA WASH SHOULD TEAM UP WITH DR. HORRIBLE.

Anyway, all my above natterings are meaningless, because of one line in this article:

(Dear Christopher Nolan: Alan Tudyk should be the new Joker. Love, Everybody Who Knows What's Up.)

HOLY GOD. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE GENIUS THAT HAS BEEN UNLEASHED ON US? I WOULD SEE THIS. I WOULD SEE THE SHIT OUT OF THIS. HE COULD PWN CHRISTIAN BALE AND NOT EVEN BREAK A SWEAT. MY BRAIN IS SO HAPPY WITH THIS IDEA. AND DAVID TENNANT AS THE RIDDLER? I... I need to go lie down....

In other news, I need to knit a mustache for my shark. LITERALLY.
- LV

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We're Planning On Smacking Them Down Like The Hand Of God.

Blog
* This may be one of the best lines ever uttered on network TV. Title is from Glee, which needs to come back on right now, because I am bereft without it.

Whut?
* My uncle sent me this. I must have done something horrible that I don't remember. Because otherwise, this makes no sense:

WHAT THE HELL? No, you know what? I don't want an explanation. Just leave me alone. BRAIN HURTS.

Words of Win
* If your taser catches people on fire and ENGULFS THEM IN FLAMES, you are doing it wrong:

A man in Western Australia was engulfed in flames when police officers fired a Taser stun gun at him.

I know the dude was sniffing petrol, and that is illegal, but maybe just a warning next time? HELLO?

Moment of Win
* This makes me laugh long and hard, which is why I am doomed to hell for eternity and am generally a terrible person:

see more Epic Fails

Doctor Who
* Dear David Tennant: You are so fabulous and funny and sexy and brilliant that it is a little PAINFUL to think about you:

"You go into a supermarket and your face is on a cake and underpants. And all that's very odd. It's not what you imagine when you go to drama school, that you'll be commemorated in plastic and icing, and cotton."

Here's the full interview, and he's Scottish, you know. I just like reminding people.

Daily Hot Guy(s)

[Zachary Quinto and Chris Pine, AKA Spock and Kirk from Star Trek. You know, the original Spock/Kirk started the movement of slash fanfiction. Truth. I learned that in college. Yes, real college. Why is everyone laughing?]

People I Love
* I hate My Super Sweet Sixteen, and everyone affiliated with it, and the fact that it exists at all. However, Charlie Brooker's comments are so freaking funny that they made me laugh through the bitter, bitter tears of how doomed our people truly are:


Epic!Fail
* THIS WAS NOT A GOOD LIFE CHOICE, CHRIS BROWN:

[Found at Best Week Ever]
DON'T YOU PAY PEOPLE TO TELL YOU NOT TO DO THINGS LIKE THIS? Because I would take that job. First piece of advice? Go sit in a room until everyone has forgotten you. And I'd like my money in cash, please.

Daily Icon

[Xaviera Hollander, as requested by Iconic Icon Millarca. Xaviera is a call girl, madam, damn clever writer, and unapologetic BAMF. She broke taboos, and rocks leopard bikinis.]

Awesome
* This was shown to me by Stina, who is a genius and you should be nice to her out of fear, because she is going to rule the world. I get England. AND Wales. HA. Um, anyway, this is a video about knitting and jumpers. And goat penis:

I think I need to ask her for Scotland now too.

It is very cold out. Everywhere. YES EVERYWHERE.
- LV

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