It's Time To Win The Love Of These Hate-Filled Morons.

Blog
* I don't want your love. I just want your money. Title is from The Simpsons.

Movie!Win
* Chris Pine is going to be in a zombie movie.

Yes, it looks like every other zombie movie, ever. And I have no problem with that. Stick with what works, I say. Also Chris Pine is very attractive, and if he wants to spend two hours running from zombies, I have nothing to say about that.

Wow
* This is either the best idea ever, or the worst. Or just genius. It's hard to say.

Chinese workers have covered a giant steel bridge with butter because officials are fed up with traffic jams caused by people who slow down to watch suicide victims leaping to their death.

And it works. That is the really wow-inducing part of the whole thing. It works. I salute you, Chinese workers who thought up this. So simple, and so effective. Does the bridge smell, I wonder? Rancid butter reeks.

Nature
* Nature is gross:

[Found at UniqueDaily]
That's a fungus, that is. Oozing red pus-like stuff. My mother thought it was a cupcake until I corrected her. She can no longer eat cupcakes.

Girly Shit
* Look, we as a culture need to get over onesies. They are never going to be attractive, and they are never going to be OK:

[Found at NYMag]
I know some people (usually tall, super-skinny supermodels) look OK in these. But that's not enough. They are AWFUL. You have to get naked to go pee. You run the risk of camel toe. You look like a chick from Golden Girls, only without their badassery. You are NOT Bea Arthur, although that would be sweet. I would not want to date a guy who found these appealing. They are disgusting. I hate them, and I will never, ever own one. With Blogger as my witness.
There. I feel better now.

Music
* This is an interview, in a bathroom, with Courtney Love. I adored her as a teenager. I tried to bleach my hair (it turned orange, and most of it fell out). I tried to wear the kinderwhore look (since I'm 5'0" I just looked like a kid). I got a guitar and played 'Doll Parts' constantly (my parents still twitch when they hear that song).
So yes, I think Ms. Love is a special sort of batshit insane, but I do think she's talented. Her Twitter is an insane, entertaining rambling experience, and she is unapologetically herself, and you know what? We need some crazy celebrities to keep shit interesting.
Although I'm never bleaching my own hair again.

Technology
* Seriously, guys, I need these night vision goggles:

[Found at CrunchGear]
So here's the plan: one of you buy this game, Modern Warfare 2 (I am not a gamer, although I enjoy games). You buy the special, super-expensive edition. You give ME the night vision goggles, which I need to prepare for the zombie apocalypse, and also for general security purposes. Then you have a game, I have REAL night vision goggles, and everyone is happy. Good plan? Who's with me?

Watchmen
* Miss_Bushido sent me this GENIUS article about Rorschach, and why he is the most BAMF in the history of time and space. I think I need to live my life according to the chart on this website:

[Found at Cracked]
Wouldn't the world be better if everyone was a bit more like Rorschach? Actually, that would be sort of awful. So never mind. There's only one Rorschach, and he's played by Jackie Earle Haley and written by Alan Moore, and that is that.

* This is seriously a genius tattoo design:

And OMFG his NAME is symmetrical. LOOK AT IT. Apparently I have a fetish for symmetry. Who knew?

* Watchmen pirates! Watchmen PIRATES!

ARRRR, MATEY.

Daily Hot Guy

[Edward Norton, who is a brilliant actor who has been in such films as Primal Fear, Fight Club, The 25th Hour, The Painted Veil, and The People Vs. Larry Flynt, but who right now should totally ditch this career and join the hallowed category of 'Guys who can ROCK a white undershirt.' Plus he speaks Japanese, and he's super smart. Brains are very sexy.]

Comics
* Finally read the first volume of Y: The Last Man. Yes, I know, I am probably the last person to read it, because I suck, but I have a LOT of reading on my plate, OK? So shut up. Anyway, it was AMAZING, and I love it, and now I need to go buy the rest, with my imaginary money.

* Continuing my reread of Transmetropolitan. I do want to live in that world. I can't imagine I'd do well, but I'd have fun until the inevitable fall. Plus I'd be a Spider Jerusalem groupie. Which would be fun, if supremely dangerous.
I got so caught up in just enjoying the book that I didn't transcribe, so I'll go back and do that at some point this week, after the pile of other stuff shrinks. I really commit myself to too many projects. Because I like being busy, then I get insane, and then I can't work. It's a vicious cycle. Spider Jerusalem would understand.
And I finally got good pictures of the bowel disruptor, thanks to Theresa and Erin, and their overall genius and computer skillz. So my shirt is going to be TWISTED.

* On an unrelated note, there are some FUCKED UP Batman toys out there, yes? Look at this water pistol:

[Found at ToplessRobot]
I will not be squeezing it. Ever. The house is on fire? Too bad. Not touching that thing. Also he has a butt plug. Also the expression on his face is terrifying.
There are more toys, here, and they are wrong in every possible way, and please make the bad men STOP.

Russell Brand
* First off, if everyone else thought Russell Brand was revolting, he'd HAVE to turn to me for solace. Second, I don't find any of these reported sexual acts particularly disturbing. I have a high threshold for the weird, or maybe men shagging glamour models in threesomes isn't that weird? Third, I think this whole thing was disproven, but either way, after you've had politicians in diapers and royalty saying they wish they were someone's tampon, this is practically prudish.

Tattoo Of Win

[Found at LOLTATZ]

Words Of WIn

[Found at Indexed]

Hunter S. Thompson
* A whole website about Hunter Thompson on film. Sometimes the internet is generous. And sometimes, when you google 'bowel disruptor,' it gives you UNSPEAKABLE HORROR. To be fair, I should have expected that.


TwiHate
* Russell Brand apparently inspires the hate of both Twilight fans AND Jonas Brothers fans, because he made fun of them or prevented them from sparkling. I don't know, I don't care. Calm the hell down, TwiHards. It will all be OK. Your movie is coming out on schedule, they're making a million more, the writer of your fandom has her OWN comic series. Everything is coming up roses for you. Pause and appreciate this. So Robert Pattinson didn't get to say one line. I'm sure he more than made up for it by sparkling and not bathing. It will all be OK, TwiHards. Honest.

Politics
* So it looks like we're all blaming Mark Sandford for everything, now. I must have missed that meeting. Really, I'm just amused by his tears and his bullshit, and think he should be in trouble for BUGGERING OFF for like a week and leaving his poor staff in a state of panic. But he is denying calling some other dude gay, which is clearly the WORST THING YOU CAN CALL ANYONE, EVAR, because really THAT is what we all care about in this day and age. Not the recession or the war or how Swine Flu is going to kill us all, and the survivors will have to live in The Stand, and with my luck I'll live through Swine Flu and then fall off a building. Unless Mark Sandford is weeping openly like a prison bitch on national TV about his forbidden love, I do not really care.

Zombies
* This is apparently the Sunday where categories are all flippy. I talked about zombies in Movie!Win, Russell Brand in TwiHate, Swine flu in politics, and now I'm talking about bacon in Zombies. But follow my logic, here:

[Found at Geekologie]
Canned bacon will be ESSENTIAL to the survival of the species come the zombie apocalypse. It lasts ten years, and it has tons of protein, and there's a gun on the can, so you KNOW it's all about survival. Of course, this doesn't bode well for the vegans and vegetarians, but when you're fighting for survival from flesh-eaters, the dietary restrictions of others aren't at the top of your list of concerns.

That's all, really. I'm debating wearing my FREAKANGELS shirt to the comic store, to see if anyone notices, or if I get kidnapped and held hostage. It's a weird comic store. And I'm pretty sure the comic store with the cute guy is closed. Or maybe not. What's closed on Labor Day weekend?

Busy, busy, busy, as Kurt Vonnegut used to say.
- LV

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I Will Shoot You, & I Know Robot Karate.

Blog
* Title is from Be Kind Rewind, which I love dearly because it reminds me of my job at the video store before it became a tired charade of lust and lies and depravity in the back room. Seriously, great movie, and NO, I will not elaborate right now. I just woke up. The coffee's not even done BREWING.

Jackie Earle Haley
* I am getting sick and tired of Warner Bros. and their secretive, taciturn bullshit. For real. It makes sense that you want to hold off on the Nightmare On Elm Street media blitz until it gets closer to the release date. Good strategy. But A) That is NOT a high resolution image, because I can barely see anything, and B) You can't see his face in the poster either. I realize that is the POINT, and that you want us all to wee ourselves upon seeing Jackie Earle Haley in makeup, but GIVE ME SOMETHING. IRON MAN 2 GOT LEAKED. COME ON.
PS That poster for Jonah Hex? THAT is high resolution. And I won't be seeing it, because I dislike both actors so very, very much.

* I know I said no more Comic-Con posts, but this is a really interesting interview about Nightmare On Elm Street, and he says 'surreal' three times, 'iconic' three times, and 'motivating' once, making this pretty much the quintessential Jackie Earle Haley Drinking Game Interview.

* World Peace Through Jackie Earle Haley: Taste The Peace. It tastes like sugar cubes and JUSTICE.

Nature
* This is a picture of a tree that grew under a car and, eventually, LIFTED the car off the ground:

[Found at Neatorama]
It took 25 years to grow like this, and now it has its own shrine. I just think that's cool. I'd like one in my front yard.

Daily Hot Guy

[Hugh Laurie as Doctor Gregory House, who I have loved since Blackadder and A Bit Of Fry & Laurie, and who for some reason is adorably geeky when he's English, and surly and snarky when he's American. So he's an international hottie. Also he can play like five instruments, and he boxes. Why that helps I cannot say, but you totally know it does.]

Girly Shit
* These bags have sword handles:

[Found at LikeCool]
DO WANT. Like five. Because while they won't actually help you in a fight, they are super-badass, and then all my jokes about being a ninja would suddenly be timely and prescient, instead of random. Plus, pretty purple ninja bag!

Jersey!Fail
* This is so embarrassing. I am so ashamed of my state. We are a collective failure. Shun us nationally. Some cops didn't recognize Bob Dylan. They picked him up, thinking he was lying. He was walking around looking at a house for sale. And he was picked up by the police. New Jersey does nothing right. I apologize to everyone, ever, and hope Mr. Dylan doesn't write a mean song about Jersey, because that would hurt my soul.

Music
* Wes Anderson gives us his perfect mix tape. It's wonderful. Then again, the soundtracks to Rushmore and The Royal Tenenbaums were also glorious and perfect, so I don't know why I expected any less. And Gene Hackman was shafted out of a nomination for Tenenbaums, and I honestly think Ben Stiller gave a rather remarkable performance (that was hard to type), and of course Rushmore is utterly perfect. But I'm still scared of The Fantastic Mr. Fox.

Technology
* Scientists are trying to use the AIDS virus to cure cancer. It has worked on mice. This will go one of two ways:
A) Disease will become a thing of the past, and two of the deadliest killers of all time will cease to exist, or
B) Zombie apocalypse.
So win-win, really.

Watchmen
* I want an apron like Mrs. Schach:

In All Seriousness by *Kamden on deviantART

* Do you have any idea how much of my life I've wasted staring at this GIF?

[Found at JackieEarleHaley]
Answer: Way too much. LIke a hideous amount of my life has been spent watching the Comedian's head bop. It's mesmerizing.
And there's still a few days left to submit a Watchmen Party Mix to the website. Which I would do, if a party involves me drinking and screaming, "RORSCHACH, NOOOOOOOOOO!" and then sobbing in a ball on the floor. Too bad I don't have a video camera.

* This video has almost nothing to do with Watchmen, but is so goddamn funny that I am posting it anyway, especially since we ALL fucking hate that asshole who ruins the movie for the rest of then audience:


Tattoo Of Win
* This is one of those non-sarcastic category titles, because this tattoo is gorgeous:

[Found at Neatorama]
It's been done to look like embroidery, which I'm sure hurts even worse than regular tattoos, because of so many tiny little stitches. And it's a tattoo of the girls' grandmother's embroidery, which makes it even cooler. I just think it's lovely.

Moment Of Win
* I have been both the person in the car, and the person in the puddle:

see more Fail Blog
Just saying.

Food
* So! Who's eating breakfast/lunch/dinner/a tasty and healthful snack? Yes? Well, have I got a story for you!
Man goes to the grocery store and buys a loaf of bread. He comes home, looking forward to bready goodness, unwraps it, and sees this:

[Found at UniqueDaily]
I know, I know, I'm sorry. But if I had to see it, you had to see it. Fair's fair. Also I am inspecting all my bread from now on before I eat it. Because really, a WHOLE rodent? That's pushing it. Ugh.

Comics
* Director James Gunn posted a link to the Five Creepiest Sex Scenes In Comics. Personally, I think the Dinosaur Rape should have been number one, because DUDE, raping dinosaurs is... I don't even have anything to say. Although time-traveling incest is pretty weird, too. You know what? Comics are fucked up. That's why we love them. But not these. Iron Man, what were you THINKING?

Books
* According to this nifty chart, stand-alone science fiction sells best, fantasy sequels sell best, and stand alone horror sells best:

[Found at BoingBoing]
My book is a combination fantasy/horror/comedy, so it doesn't sell at all.

Star Trek
* This is a very nice picture:

[Found at ONTD_StarTrek]
Not Trek enough for you? That's fair. How about this?

[Found at ONTD_StarTrek]
I'm so glad they cut the 'Big Pink Scene' from the reboot.

It's Monday, which means I need to get my shit organized this week. I have massive writing, things to mail (and wash), plans to make, and all that jazz. Plus my regular job. Plus this coffee isn't working. And I'd like to see District 9, and have my HBO fixed, and redye my hair and figure out what's happening with my Nine Inch Nail tickets. Also I want a pet capybara. And a hamster. And a rat. And a Prada dress. And Louboutin shoes.

This is what it's like in my head. All the time. Which may be why I don't get as much done as I could.
- LV

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You Were Strangled To Death With A Plastic Sack. That's Probably An Odd Thing To Hear But I Wasn't Sure How To Sugar-Coat It.

Blog
* No good comes from a conversation that starts this way. Title is from Pushing Daisies.

Freakangels Friday
* Huzzah, for it is Friday and not a skip week because everyone I love in the UNIVERSE is partying in San Diego, and Freakangels has returned in all its macabre and deviant glory, and I am smiles. Life is good again! So go read it, after you read this blog, OBVIOUSLY, and then come back and read my spoilers for this week's episode at the bottom, under my signature.

Jackie Earle Haley
* I never thought I'd say this in this category, but THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. WHY, oh Movie Gods of Movie, are they moving back the release date of Nightmare on Elm Street?

Look, if it comes out the same weekend as Iron Man 2, I will go see both. If you are worried about ticket sales, I will see NOES twice for every time I see Iron Man 2. OK? Don't make me WAIT, dammit. It's been MONTHS since Jackie Earle Haley released a movie, and I didn't get to go to Comic-Con, and TicketMaster HATES me for mysterious reasons, and frankly I have a LOT OF STRESS IN MY LIFE. Since I'm living at home I'm not allowed to buy a pet rat and name it Rorschach, or a hamster and name it Ianto, which SUMS UP why you should not live at home in your twenties, and Netflix keeps sending me Pushing Daisies instead of Torchwood, and I LOVE Pushing Daisies, and it's actually a better show, but dammit I need to flush out the trauma of Children of the Earth and I'm on an Ianto kick.

ALSO, Jackie Earle Haley has never been in a movie/TV show with Gareth David-Lloyd, and that makes me very sad. Someone needs to photoshop me an image of the two of them together, so I can geek out fully.

Also I painted my nails black and white for Rorschach yesterday, because I was bored. So the movie should come out NOW. AIRTIGHT LOGIC.

Also, have you listened to the ultimate Jackie Earle Haley podcast? He'll know if you're lying. Jackie Earle Haley frowns upon lying. Frowns, and then slays the liars with his mighty arms of justice.

And I'm sorry, because I like Benicio Del Toro a great deal, but I don't care when they release Wolfman. It's all about Nightmare on Elm Street, and I'm not going to shame myself by lying. Might anger Jackie Earle Haley.

Whedonverse
* Show of hands, who is excited about Joss Whedon's horror movie, The Cabin in the Woods? Everyone, obviously, because after that episode of Buffy with the dudes who didn't talk and smiled and KILLED, we know Mr. Whedon has a sick mind that should be allowed to run rampant. Plus, the posters indicate that it's going to be a fun, funny, smart horror movie, along the lines of Drag Me To Hell and Slither, which makes me even happier:

[Found at FearNet]
And it doesn't hurt that the chance of Whedon killing a character I desperately love in this movie is slim, since he already killed all of them in other mediums, so Wins all around. I will never stop loving Joss Whedon. Accept this. And watch all his shows, because he really is a genius.

Iron Man
* I love it when Robert Downey, Jr. talks about Tony Stark. You can tell this isn't some arbitrary performance to him. He thinks about the character. He cares about him. And he really wants to be faithful to the character he's playing. So I'm very excited about Iron Man 2, as you all should be, even if they're not totally addressing his alcoholism in this movie. Which I'll admit is a little disappointing, but s long as they allude to its beginning, I'm good. And it seems like they want a more gradual descent into self-destruction, which gets authenticity points. And more movies. Which I always endorse, if they involve Robert Downey, Jr. I mean:

[Found at io9]
Symmetrical facial hair WIN.

Nature
* M. Night Shyamalan was right. Plants are talking to each other, and they're going to plot against humans, and make us kill ourselves in surprisingly boring ways, and the human race will have to be rebuilt by Mark Wahlbergh, which does not bode well for those of us who aren't Mark Wahlbergh. Or who hated The Happening with a white-hot intensity, because it was all the awful in the world. Actually, they should do a double feature of that and Twilight, for serial killers. That's torture of a whole new mentality, and it would take human rights groups a few years to think up a response. Then again, the scientist could be completely talking out of his ass and wrong. I prefer that idea. Plants sit there and grow shit. That's what they do. If I find out the tomato plants on the deck are talking shit, you can be SURE I'll be making tomato sauce that night, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

Daily Hot Guy

[Karl Urban, who I know as Dr. McCoy from the Star Trek reboot. My brain is swirling with 'doctor' jokes, and uncouth 'Bones' cracks, and you don't want that, so let's just sit quietly and admire, yes?]

Apocalypse How?
* Amazon wants to buy Netflix. The guy who wrote that article is all, 'Yay, wouldn't that be lovely?' NO. IT WOULD BE THE BEGINNING OF THE END. First Amazon buys Netflix. Then AmazoNetflix buys IMDB. Then AmazoNetflIMBD brings back the message boards, and those crazy people post their usual bullshit, only now their bullshit has super-powers and the internet EXPLODES, and we all die, and I never get to enjoy my Netflix queue, which I spent a lot of time organizing, and I'm still waiting for Battlestar Galactica, the end.

TwiHate
* Actually, I'd be lying if I said I didn't find this cake sort of amusing:

[Found at Geekologie]
But I don't like ice cream cake, and I think eating sparkly vampires has not been approved by the FDA, so you can have my slice.

Girly Shit
* I want the shoe on the right:

[Found at ShoeLust]
You can have the one on the left. And you can laugh when I fall out of those shoes and seriously injure myself.

Music
* Cheap Trick released their newest album on 8-track. This may have made my life good again. Also made me like Cheap Trick again. What? They had some good songs, and you know it. Shut up. Leave me to my 8-tracks, you mp3-loving weirdo.

Technology
* Here is an article on Email etiquette. Now, my older relatives don't read this blog, because I curse and lust and have tattoos and smoke and yell, but I hope they pick up this article by osmosis, because sending me an Email in ALL CAPS that is about both my bad attitude AND a chain letter, and then they write ANOTHER Email asking me why I didn't RESPOND to the chain letter, and I wonder if I can feasibly change my Email address.
Actually, this SomethingAwful piece sums up my relative Email issues remarkably well.


Watchmen
* On a scale of 1-10 on the Amazing metere, this is about a 9.9.

I'm lying, it's a 12. MILLION. YES. Made by Prefiera. I want her rat. Is that weird? Yes, it is.

Tattoo Of Win
* This gentleman here got a tattoo of a Palm Pre, so he could get a free one.

If you need me, I'll be busy getting a tattoo of a book deal. And a flame-thrower. And Rorschach. What? WHAT? Apparently these are the rules now. You get a tattoo of something, you OWN it. That explains why people get their names tattooed on their own bodies. Everything makes sense now!

Food
* On a serious note, we need to remember that the world is full of cruel people who lie, cheat, and mislead innocent consumers. Think of the poor woman who didn't know that Crunchberries were not, in fact, a real fruit. Then, to rub salt into an open wound, the judge dismissed her case when she sued over false advertising of the magical berries.

I remember the day I learned. It was worse than learning about the tooth fairy. Thank goodness I still have the Easter Bun- Oh, no.

Going to read FREAKANGELS now. Spoilers below my signature for this week's entry. Huzzah for Warren Ellis!
- LV

SPOILERS FOR THIS WEEK'S FREAKANGELS BELOW. BE WARNED.

God DAMN, Warren Ellis and Paul Duffield, you are sick bastards. And Kirk. DAMMIT. He shot Luke in the DICK. That's rude. Can he fix that? I know he's a rapist, but DAMN. There is no coming back from that mentally. I am so glad to be a girl right now. Because holy SHIT. That was VIOLENT. Damn. Well, they certainly came back with a BANG. HAAHAHAHAHAHA... ehhhhh.... I need more coffee.

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My Food Is Problematic.

Blog
* Well, you know what, River? MY food is DELICIOUS. Title is from Firefly. Please don't hurt me, River.

* This may seem like shameless self-promotion, but I find this too flattering NOT to mention. Mary K, a reader and amazing blogger in her own right (her book reviews are essential, and fabulous reading) nominated my blog for an award. Because my screaming about zombies and shoes and Watchmen seems to appeal to some people. Weirdos. Thank you so much, and I will aspire to keep this blog entertaining, if nothing else.

Apocalypse How?
* I often say I want to move to England. Not just because I find the accents wicked sexy, or they invented Doctor Who, or High Wizard Alan Moore lives out there, or I could find Russell Brand and tackle him and love him politely greet him, or because I actually LIKE the food and the music and the weather. Those are all good and solid reasons, but here is an additional impetus: They have a plan for surviving a nuclear attack. Hopefully not just reading V For Vendetta and praying that Hugo Weaving will don the mask and let his sexy voice lead us all to freedom. That tears it. I'm going to England, just as soon as someone finds a way to get me there that doesn't involve an airplane.

WTF, INTERNET?
* It's things like this that make me sort of hate surfers, no matter how nice/sexy they are:

[Found at LikeCool]
This is a wetsuit with shark bites already in place, to make you look cool, I guess. I don't know. To be honest, the guy looks rather toolish and smug with his fancy wetsuit. And what happens when he gets bitten by an ACTUAL shark? 'Hey, I think Shane is in serious trouble. There's a hunk of his leg missing and he's having trouble swimming. 'Ah, he's just messing around. It's part of his wetsuit.' 'Oh. Sure does look realistic. Who wants another Coronoa?' And then Shane is all DEAD, isn't he?

Zombies
* LEGO ZOMBIES FTW. DRAWINGS OF LEGO ZOMBIES:

[Found at BoingBoing]
That's all.

Nature
* Someone stole a dinosaur head. Don't ask me, I didn't do it. I DIDN'T. I was studying for the LSATs at the time, and I SEE you admiring my new hat-rack that's shaped like the skull of a large animal, I GOT IT AT URBAN OUTFITTERS. No, you can't borrow it.

Movies
* Johnny Depp has a private island, with a beach named in honor of my late imaginary husband, Hunter S. Thompson. This has little to do with movies, except that Johnny Depp is IN movies quite often, and in the internal movie of my mind Johnny Depp takes me to his private island, and I am best friends with everyone cool, and I marry Russell Brand, because even in my internal movie I am MORAL, dammit, and would not get involved with a man in a committed relationship, unless I could maybe find a really good excuse.

* ALSO I forgot to add this to my Transformers 2 review: DOESN'T THE WHOLE, 'HE HAS INFORMATION IN HIS BRAIN THAT AN ALIEN RACE DESIRES' PLOTLINE REMIND YOU OF HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY, ONLY GONE HORRIBLY, HORRIBLY WRONG?

Ad!Fail
* So, Burger King ad execs got up one morning, rubbed the sleep from their eyes, looked out the window and said, 'You know what? Subtlety is for assholes':

[Found at Gawker]
Although I don't really understand why this would make anyone want to EAT this thing. I mean, unless eating it makes girls suddenly lose their composure with lust, but even then wouldn't they be more interested in the sandwich than you? And as a member of the fairer sex (we have our moments), let me just say that this does not make me want to buy this sandwich. Size does matter, boys, but when that's all you've got to offer, the appeal fades fairly quickly.

Doctor Who
* Doctor Who Documentary. What else do you need to know?

Depression Session
* The recession will change fashion. That goes under 'effing duh.' Because when you lose your job and have to move home with your parents, and end up getting a part-time job at McDonald's, you aren't in the ideal mindframe to spend $8,000 on a handbag. No matter HOW pretty it is. But expensive shoes are another story. I need those.

Girly Shit
* Someone call the hospital. Marc Jacobs has LOST HIS MIND. I wish it weren't so, but I only speak the truth. Brace yourself for the hideous visual explanation:

[Found at Fashonologie]
This is from his new collection. He is very, very sick. Symptoms include thinking that it's the nineties, and that MC Hammer pants are appealing to ANYONE, including MC Hammer himself, the compulsion to wear big floppy bows around your neck, only dressing in puke colors, and wearing painful green shoes. May be airborne, and highly contagious. Cure involves looking at old Versace ads and breathing deeply into a Louis Vuitton bag. Proceed with caution.

Music
* As if ANYONE needed any more reasons to hate U2, here's them talking about the Spider-Man Musical:

The Edge can live, I guess, if he MUST, but really? Bono makes my eyeballs BLEED BLOOD. To say nothing of my delicate ears. I'm going to play The Damned so as to cleanse my skull.

Daily Hot Guy

[Hunter Stockton Thompson, shirtless. This blog will celebrate his birthday with debauchery, decadence, and drugs, STAY TUNED]

Watchmen
* THE DIRECTOR'S CUT WILL BE IN THEATERS. WE NEED TO GO SEE IT. BLOG FIELD TRIP. I AM SERIOUS. WHO IS COMING WITH ME TO NEW YORK? WE ARE GOING. IT WILL BE LIFE-CHANGING. WE CAN SEE IT THE WEEKEND OF JULY 17TH. THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPS IN MY LOCK TO EXPRESS MY HYSTERICAL JOY.
OH SHIT. WE HAVE A PROBLEM. It's only playing in one theater per city. CURSE YOU ZACK SNYDER. WHY WOULD YOU PLAY WITH MY HEART? OK, the rest of you are uninvited. Survival of the FITTEST. GOD DAMMIT. Also, Snyder only loves people with Blu-Ray, which I do NOT HAVE.
Do you know how HARD IT IS to be a fan of this fandom? Twilight fans don't have to put up with this BULLSHIT. Although the star of their movie was hit by a cab in a non-fatal and therefore HILARIOUS episode, so I guess that evens things out, maybe?

I need to get tickets. NOW. And the new poster JUST FOR THIS EVENT. Who wants to help me? All joking aside. We will swarm like NINJAS. Or Vigilantes. I will wear my fedora, and my fingerless gloves and my trenchcoat, and it will RULE. WHO'S READY TO GET TICKETS AND RETRIBUTION?!

Work now. Oh, and my tooth is cracked or chipped or something and it HURTS and life is CHALLENGING, man.
- LV

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One Of You Is Gonna Fall & Die & I'm Not Cleaning It Up!

Blog
* Title comes from Firefly, and sums up my stance on cleaning in general.

Movies
* You know what I hate? When scenes in movie trailers don't make it into the actual movies. Like Pleasantville. My absolute favorite scene was this moment in the trailer where Jeff Daniels said, "I didn't mean to hurt anyone; I just had to paint." I thought that was beautiful, and I went to see the movie in part because I thought that line was so lovely. And it wasn't in the movie. And the movie was uneven, overall, but William H. Macy AND Don Knotts can be forgiven pretty much everything, not to mention Joan Allen and Jeff Daniels. Here are some more recent movies where scenes that are in the trailers did not make it to the final cut, including Baby!Spock being DENIED the big screen, which is EVIL.

Stupid People
* Dude got arrested and fined for mowing the lawn, and no that is not a metaphor.

Remake!Fail
* I am many things, but I am not naive (or excessively, anyway. I know a lot of the movies I loved as a kid aren't especially good, and that most of my fondness for them stems from memories and a child's innocence. I KNOW this. And I DO like remakes a lot, because sometimes they are badass and fun and affectionate, and the heavens open up and a dulcet choir sings. But I am NEVER going to be OK with them remaking The Incredible Mr. Limpet. First off, the movie is set in World War II and has a talking fish and Don Knotts fighting Nazis, which is admittedly one of the greatest ideas in the history of EVER, but may not be accessible to kids of this generation. Second, YOU DO NOT REPLACE DON KNOTTS WITH ANYONE, EVER. HE IS DON FREAKING KNOTTS. (Did I tell you I met Don Knotts when I was nine? He was with Tom Posten, and they were both drunk, and for mysterious reasons I walked over and just started babbling at them about horses and pancakes (we were at a ranch, and had gone on a breakfast trail ride, so this DID make sense) and they were very nice and listened to me ramble, in part because they were both sauced on martinis, and when my mother tried to explain WHO I had just been talking to, I wasn't impressed until she identified Don Knotts as the voice of Mr. Bone on Doug. I was NINE). Anyway, Don Knotts cannot be replaced, and they'd make the fish all CGI and creepy, and I KNOW the movie sort of sucked, really, but I want it to remain beloved in my memory, so this remake is cancelled, for THE ALLIES.

Books
* On the list of 'Interesting Ways To Commit Suicide,' I suppose we must add, 'ripping off J.D. Salinger, who is crazy and shoots at people who come on his property.' Or just, 'Writing A Sequel to Catcher In The Rye,' because CLEARLY the world was waiting for a shitty unauthorized sequel to a great book. I blame all those awful sequels to Pride and Prejudice. THE JANE AUSTEN ZOMBIE IS GOING TO RISE UP AND EAT YOU IF YOU WRITE ANY MORE SEQUELS TO HER WORK. AND J.D. SALINGER CONTROLS HER. This is true.

Star Trek
* I feel like I already posted these, but I can't find them and it's Sunday, and dammit, I WANT one of these, even if I could never wear it in public because I currently reside in a small town where I was nearly chased through the streets as a teenager for having blue hair, so Star Trek support probably results in a public stoning, or at least stern words from the neighbors:

[Found at LikeCool]
Clearly I would get blue, because Spock wears blue. And no, I do NOT have any pictures of the period in my life with blue hair, and my family can't talk about it without snerking with laughter and muttering about 'Smurfs.' But these corsets are super-sexy, yes?

Daily Hot Guy
* At the request of my dear reader thefangirlblog, I present her requested DHG:

[Terrance Zdunich, AKA The Graverobber, AKA That Dude From Repo!, AKA The Dude With The Voice]
But you know what? Pictures don't do him justice. Like Seth MacFarlane, or Hugo Weaving, it's all about The Voice. Ergo:

A little glass vial? A little glass vial.

TeeVee
* Read this and mourn the death of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles ALL OVER AGAIN.

Journalism
* Every single person working at the NY Post being a really vile and hideous human being?

[Found at BestWeekEver]
Why, what would make you think that?

Geek Want
* This is a chair that records how many calories you burn while fidgeting in your chair:

[Found at DVICE]
Although the more I think about it, the less I want it. Because there are few things more uncomfortable than having a pleasant conversation with someone as they spasm in their chair, trying to burn off the calories in their morning latte.

Politics
* I unironically love Pat Buchanan, because he was friends with my beloved late imaginary husband Hunter Thompson, and also because he's very intelligent when he's not being insane, and maybe a tiny bit because he was featured, twenty years young and played by an actor, in Watchmen. But mainly I love Pat because no matter how offensive or stupid or crazy the bullshit he sometimes splutters, I can't get angry. He's like my grandfather, only more extreme. "Oh, Grandpa Pat, you blame Sonia Sotomayor for every atrocity of the twentieth century? That is so cute! Would you like more cocoa?" And then Pat Buchanan smiles a gentle senile smile and tells me stories about HST.

Apocalypse How?
* if the human race is exterminated because of giant jellyfish, I will be so embarrassed for our species. On the other hand

[Found at i09]
RUN! FEED IT THE CHILDREN WHILE I MAKE MY ESCAPE.

WTF, INTERNET?
* You KNOW there is a fetish for this:

[Found at LikeCool]
It's a glow-in-the-dark condom. There are so many ways this could go. The people who find this sexy would be all, 'Huzzah! Glowing johnson!' Or if you hated the person you'd managed to seduce, you could conveniently forget to tell them about it, and surprise them after sex by flicking off the lights and screaming, 'My dick is your kryptonite!' I'm sure there are endless lightsaber jokes to be made here. If they made blue ones, there'd probably be a market among Watchmen fans who find Doctor Manhattan's blue junk appealing. The point is, it's all about the marketing, and glowing condoms are freaking ridiculous.

Zombies
* This is a zombie jelly mold:

[Found at BoingBoing]
If you loved me, I'd be making zombie jello RIGHT NOW, instead of blogging and slurping coffee and trying vainly to figure out the ominous crazy of the day before me.

Nature
* Due to science that I am far too lazy/sleep/stupid to explain, this table eats itself as the plant grows, making it both eco-friendly and sort of sinister:

[Found at Neatorama]
If this thing somehow mated with the glowing condoms, the world would implode on itself.

More later, maybe, because it IS Sunday, and I still feel sort of shitty, and the weather can't decide if it wants to be nice or not, and suddenly people are demanding I DO things today, which is just bullshit, really, YOU CAN'T MAKE ME DO ANYTHING.
- LV

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Curse Your Sudden But Inevitable Betrayal!

Blog
* Title is from Firefly. I miss Wash.

Doctor Who
* This is a rumor, but it sounds like it could be true. There will be three weddings in the Whoniverse (that was awful), including Rose marrying the quasi-Doctor in her universe. But but! I have a question: If when Donna was made a Time Lord she almost exploded and had to have her memory wiped because there can't be a half human/half Time Lord thing, A) Then why doesn't the quasi-Doctor explode? How does that work, and B) If quasi-Doctor can't die for some hackneyed reason, wouldn't any potential Doctor spawn die? Can someone explain this to me? Also, and non-sequitur, my delightful Twitter friend Kristamaru showed me this brilliance:

THE DOCTOR MUST BE THE RIDDLER. FOR AMERICA. FOR ENGLAND. FOR SCOTLAND. FOR THE UNIVERSE. *dies from fangirl love*

WTF, INTERNET?
* You know those stress ball things you squeeze that are supposed to calm you down, only they make me even angrier because I start thinking, 'I'll teach you to squeak at me, you smug little BASTARD'? Well, here are some new ones:

[Found at NerdApproved]
Yes, that is a poop-shaped rocket. And a nipple rocket. A breast nipple rocket. You sit at your desk at your important job, and you squeeze POOP to calm down. Your boss walks by, and sees you fondling a plastic squeaking breast (or, conversely, a plastic squeaking hunk of shit) with a tense look on your face, and decides that those layoffs won't be so hard, after all.

Zombies
* Remember, you MUST destroy the brain. Forget all that other bullshit. It's all about destroying the brain. Write that down. Better yet, if you're a writer pencil-pusher, or compulsive note-taker, pick up one of these babies:

[Found at BoingBoing]
It's a pen that writes. And also can be used to kill people. Or, more realistically, zombies. If you are attacked without warning at your office, these little pens could save your life, and give you enough time to flee to safety. Don't give these pens to teachers those. Last thing you need is little Timmy getting his forehead punched in by an angry math teacher.

Nature
* For those of you with nothing to do this weekend, or trying to escape crippling debt and a miserable and pointless life, here's a map of where you would end up if you dug through the earth. Good luck!

YouTube Wonders

Sometimes - not often, but sometimes - the internet provides perfection that needs no commentary.

Depression Session
* They're taking luxury high-rises and turning them into homeless shelters. This is awesome. These are people who were living on the streets or in really deplorable conditions, and now they have luxury apartments. This makes me happy. The people who bought the few apartments for a lot of money are all bitching about their poor neighbors. Fuck them. They don't like it, they can afford to move. And frankly, when I lived in a high-rise apartment in the Financial District, more of my shit got swiped by my rich young businessmen neighbors than ever got taken from me when I lived in the East Village in a basement. Yeah, I KNEW you were taking my stuff, Mr. Apartment 14C. YOU DIDN'T FOOL ME. YOU AREN'T SO SLICK. So yeah, rich people can suck it.

Russell Brand
* Russell Brand + Piano = A Good Thursday

Girly Shit
* I keep posting these shoes because I WANT THEM WHY ARE THEY SO EXPENSIVE. I am 5'0". I NEED heels. These should be covered by health insurance:

[Found at FabSugar]
Note: I just told my mother of my intentions to spend this summer dressed as a futuristic dominatrix/assassin. Her response? 'Ew.'

Daily Hot Guy

[Nathan Fillion as Captain Tightpants, and Holy Crap he wears that jacket like the biggest badass pimp of the future. It doesn't HAVE to make sense. BUCKLE! SWASH!]

More later. I have to go to work.
- LV

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Alan Moore Likes To Knit Sweaters In His Free Time. & By 'Knit' I Mean 'Kick' & By 'Sweaters' I Mean 'Babies.'

Books
* Oprah apologized to James Frey, three years after she bitched him out on national TV to save her own sorry ass. This changes nothing, except that I think Oprah is now a two-faced bitch on top of being a hypocrite. Or is that the same thing? I do not like Oprah. But yay for James Frey, finally getting the apology he deserved since freaking day one.

Heroes
* For those of you (read: none) wondering if I finally got Sylar in my life last night, yes, I did. And his geek glasses. And his nerdy sweater. And I was happy. Although he made Hiro sad, and that sort of broke my heart. Why can't they team up? Sylar will kill things and be nutty, and Hiro can get excited about waffles and they can be FRIENDS, damn it, and maybe get rid of Niki, although honestly I don't think Sylar NEEDS her bullshit powers. Moving on.

Tattoos
* Here's an article on the bill going through Washington about regulating tattoo artists. Or something. I'm trying to clean out my Bookmars, and I didn't get enough sleep, and I'm only on Coffee Cup 1. Do not push me.

Nature
* Here's your horrifying fact for Thursday: THERE ARE GIANT SPIDERS. THEY ARE SIX INCHES LONG.

THEY CAN KILL A DOG WITH ONE BIT AND MAKE HUMANS SICK. Yes, they're in Australia, but FOR HOW LONG? Do not want.

Depression Session
* Here's a list of groceries that are cheaper to make at home than to buy. Hint: Cheez-Whiz is not one of the answers.

Girly Shit
* For those of you out there that A) Wear makeup, and B) Do not know how to put it on, here's a bunch of makeup tutorials. I do not know what percentage of my readers this makes up, but hey I thought it was nifty.

Tattoo of Win
* If he tapes his lip up, he can go be an evil super-villain.

Just saying.

Food
* This is why Canada is awesome:

That's ketchup cake, that is. And you would eat it, because it looks like red velvet cake, which is my favorite cake, only it's supposedly spicy and delightful. I want to make this cake, and eat it, for science.

Moment of Win
* I'd be lying if I said I didn't kind of want to meet this guy.

see more pwn and owned pictures

Zombies
* Even if you live in a more suburban environment, this could come in handy:

But really, I just want a parachute and a helmet, for the fashion.

Star Trek
* This continues to be one of my all-time favorite SNL clips, and also a little too succinct about the cancellation of one of the greatest TV shows ever (although this time the villain was NBC, not the evil FOX (DID YOU CANCEL DOLLHOUSE YET, YOU ANIMALS?)

Also, I'm surprised that no one is voting for Kirk on my survey (VOTE YOUR WEE HEADS OFF, PEOPLE!). I am not surprised that Spock is winning. Because Spock wins all the time, at life, forever. His eyebrows have POWERS.

That's all. Coffee failing. Going to snort lines of caffeine until I wake up (IT WORKS IN MY MIND).
- LV

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Alan Moore Always Asks For The Same Christmas Gift: A Box Of Smurfs & A Sledgehammer.

Heroes
* I have sat patiently through six episodes of Niki whining, Peter crying about his misunderstood hair, and Hiro being so adorable he could bring me to tears. This is all good. I forgot that I really liked Claire, and thought she could actually act. But I am losing control. I need my Sylar. And while his Fortress of Crazy-tude was awesome and very scary, and Mohinder was all freaked (understandably, since his father effectively unleashed Mr. BatShit onto the world), I need MORE. He'd better be on the disc tonight. That's all I'm saying. (Note: I have seen every episode before, just not in a while. I am rewatching. But I apparently reordered the episodes in my head, because I thought Sylar showed up in like, episode three. Clearly, I fail).


Nature
* Here's a picture of a horse with a mustache:

[Found at Neatorama]

Star Trek
* Here's an article on the Six Most Ridiculous Star Trek species:

I think I went to college with this guy.

Bad Life Choices
* A man cut off his own finger to protest overdue wages. Yeah, this is logic I do not follow in any way. Sorry, dude.

Depression Session
* I have to say, I am fairly excited for the collapse of the economy and the rise of the zombies. I mean, we will all be calling for help on hand-cranked phones that we can charge in hollow logs.

[Found at BoingBoing]
Of course, no one will be there to hear your screams, except the hungry undead.

Comics
* New Comic Day, you are like a weekly holiday where I have to pay money for delights! Here are the new releases.

And I apologize for forgetting to put Chekov on my survey (which you all need to vote on, as the winner will get a HUGE IMAGE POST, and I have a lot of pictures on my hard drive that need to be set free. SO vote) and if you want to write him in in the comments section, I will count those accordingly.

Oh, and I wrote 130 pages of my book, which is exciting only to me.

I get to see Star Trek again soon, but nobody wants to sit next to me in the theater because I punch people whenever Spock comes onscreen. I did the same with Rorschach. I don't do it on PURPOSE. I just get excited to see them, and take it out on the shoulder of whoever is sitting next to me. Love HURTS.

I want to go shopping. With Spock. And Russell Brand. That would be a HILARIOUS sit-com.

OK, time to go to work.
- LV

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