“Yes. It’s true. Even when I haven’t shaved my neck and it looks like Posh has secretly replaced my hair gel with a box of dirt, I AM STILL DREAMY. HOW DO I DO IT?”
Showing posts with label david beckham. Show all posts
Showing posts with label david beckham. Show all posts
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Beckham's Glued Dirt
“Yes. It’s true. Even when I haven’t shaved my neck and it looks like Posh has secretly replaced my hair gel with a box of dirt, I AM STILL DREAMY. HOW DO I DO IT?”
Saturday, September 19, 2009
You Wrecked Hitler's Car! What Did He Ever Do To You?
Blog
* There's no safe way to answer that, Nelson. Why don't you just 'Ha-Ha' and we'll move on? Title is from The Simpsons.
* Ahoy, mateys! Today be International Talk Like A Pirate Day! And no, I'm not going to do my whole blog that way, because it would quickly cease to be charming, and also I don't think real pirates blog. Or if they do, they don't get super excited about Joss Whedon and Quentin Tarantino, which is just sad, really.
Here are Pirate Pick-Up Lines for the wench/scallywag in your life:
I will be using all of these tonight. And drinking rum. I think the pirates will be proud. Check out the official website for even more How Tos for your Pirate Day.
* Fish love!
[Drawn by Erin]
Yeah, fish and teenagers who secretly get married and then kill themselves because they can't be with someone they met YESTERDAY are pretty much the same, intellectually. Juliet!Fish's expression keeps making me laugh.
* I need to stop reading Megan's blog, because not only is it funny and smart and awesome, I always end up intensely wanting things I cannot have. So now I want cake and Tim Roth. Or Tim Roth could bring me a cake. That would be DELIGHTFUL.
Harry Potter
* OK, I would go to the Harry Potter theme park. I'll wait for you to stop laughing. But your laughter is bullshit, you know that? Because you'd go too. You would. You'd claim it was just to make fun of the park, and mock the people, but you know what? Secretly, you're as excited as I am. You want to get smashed at the Three Broomsticks and buy a wand at Ollivander's and hang out at the Owlery. You know it. Don't lie to yourself. It cheapens us all.
Star Trek
* I couldn't read this article, because it has spoilers, and I do not want spoilers for Star Trek 2, but from the title I can determine that Kirk will land himself in a futuristic Guantanamo Bay, and Spock and Bones will have to save him, and Spock will face prejudice because he's so damn sexy and not human, and I'll love it anyway, because DUDE, STAR TREK.
Art
* Artist Michael Murphy painted a picture of Glenn Beck out of pigment and bull crap. No, really. No, I'm not kidding. And no, I don't want to know HOW he acquired all that poop. Although I'd like to hear what Glenn Beck has to say on the matter.
[Found at Jezebel]
To be honest, I don't think this is that original or timely. After the painting of Jesus made from cow feces, I think the scandal of poop has worn off. And for what it's worth, I don't think Glenn Beck really warrants being painted in poop. I mean... really? He's the most evil, false guy you can think of? Does Mr. Murphy even WATCH television? It seems like a cop-out. It's an easy attack. What abut Dick Cheney? NOBODY likes Dick Cheney.
And I don't really like Glenn Beck, as I've said. I don't agree with his politics, and I think he yells a lot, which scares me. And I will make fun of him, as I make fun of everyone, especially people who I dislike. But this? It's stupid. And it doesn't really help a dialogue. It just makes some people laugh, and some people get all angry. Which we don't need. Everyone's already pissed off without people making pictures of radio hosts out of excrement.
That all aside, I think it's a well-done picture. I just don't think it smells nice.
Daily Hot Guy
[David Beckham is a pirate. Of my LOINS. It doesn't HAVE to make sense. Just look at him. Your argument is invalid.]
Watchmen
* Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Jackie Earle Haley, being AWESOME, per usual:
* Watchmen 2: Watchmen On Water:
[Made by Luna-WolfDemon]
In which Ozy merges with a shark and rapes the shit out of the surviving Watchmen. Pirate!Zombie!schach rises from the dead to defeat him.
It's going to be sweet, seriously.
Comics
* I don't think I could be in the International Society of Supervillains. I don't have the chops. I'm more shitty and snarky than fabulously evil, and I tend to get all 'Daw' over small fluffy animals, which I'm pretty sure is a deal-breaker in their books. Plus, they applaud the Joker for twisting his own neck until it SNAPS, in what is undoubtedly one of the most fucking terrifying scenes ever put to comic page:
[Found at ISS]
I write a blog about movies and TV and comics. How can a girl compete with THAT?!
Tattoo Of Win
* The shark has zits:
[Found at LOLTATZ]
Poor Sharky.
Words Of Win
* Yeah, see, my staring contests don't end this way:
Although they totally could. Staring contests are fucking EXTREME, dude. I mean, MAN... WORD.... yeah, etc.
Some people's lives are very different from mine.
Russell Brand
* Russell Brand: Capable of making even Jimmy Fallon funny.
I know, I'm scared and aroused as well.
Politics
* Oh, Blago, I missed you so while you were away. I had to contend with Joe Wilson being awful, and Mark Sandford crying like a prison bitch, and Bill Clinton... being Bill Clinton, only more annoyed, and it just wasn't as fun without your thick mane of corruption to warm me on these cold, humorless nights:
Promise me you'll never leave me again, Blago? Promise?
* Did you know that there are rules for insulting the President? I did not. This is more for people in Congress, to keep them from screaming out like drunk kids at a pep rally, but I suppose they apply to everyone. And for the record: NEVER OK to scream at a President during their speech. Not Obama, not Bush, not Clinton, not Carter... OK, Nixon I probably would have allowed, but grudgingly, because he WAS President, even if he was a crazy evil ball of evil crazy.
* Levi Johnston is going to be naked, for monies, and soon. I don't think there's anything I can add to this story. At all.
* Here's a wonderful article by my friend Kevin about Russia turning its sights from West to East, and what that means for the rest of the world. Kevin runs a website about Baltic relations, and I read it whenever I want to sound like I have the slightest idea of what the hell is going on.
Food
* I don't know why I'm fascinated with Spam. Probably because I have never eaten it, even though all my friends who HAVE assure me that it is both disgusting and unhealthy. But it intrigues me. I am curious. And this only adds fuel to the fire:
[Found at ThisIsWhyYoureFat]
It's deep-fried Spam. ON A STICK. Why do I want to eat this? What does this say about my psyche? Who here has eaten Spam? Or deep fried Spam? I should not be this excited about deep fried pig bits.
Celebrity!Fail
* Haha, everyone hates Megan Fox. And by everyone, I mean like five people, not counting 99.9% of men out there, which I DO NOT GET. But let's not start that, because I yell. Instead, let's focus on how much Michael Bay's crew hates her guts:
Damn. I mean.... There's more? Oh...
What the hell did you DO to these guys, Ms. Fox? I mean, they REALLY don't like you. It's sort of scaring me a little. Like, I find you annoying and all, but I don't have this level of animosity. In fact... DAMMIT, now I don't even dislike you. I nothing you. This whole thing backfired. FINE, Ms. Fox, you can EXIST. HAPPY?! But stay away from a list of celebrities I will be faxing you. Or else it's back on.
It's a lovely, cold day, and it smells like Fall. I have to clean out my rat cage. I predict at least one escape attempt. Then I have a wedding to attend. i hope I don't embarrass myself in front of certain attractive young men, who already KNOW I can't dance, but may have forgotten how true that statement IS. I can't dance. Just reiterating that. You've been warned.
- LV
* There's no safe way to answer that, Nelson. Why don't you just 'Ha-Ha' and we'll move on? Title is from The Simpsons.
* Ahoy, mateys! Today be International Talk Like A Pirate Day! And no, I'm not going to do my whole blog that way, because it would quickly cease to be charming, and also I don't think real pirates blog. Or if they do, they don't get super excited about Joss Whedon and Quentin Tarantino, which is just sad, really.
Here are Pirate Pick-Up Lines for the wench/scallywag in your life:
Top Ten Pickup lines for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day
10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
8. Come on up and see me urchins.
7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if I fired me cannon through your porthole?
4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.
2. Well blow me down?
And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is …
1. Prepare to be boarded.
Bonus pickup lines (when the ones above don't work, as they often won't)
They don’t call me Long John because my head is so big.
You’re drinking a Salty Dog? How’d you like to try the real thing?
Wanna shiver me timbers?
I’ve sailed the seven seas, and you’re the sleekest schooner I’ve ever sighted.
Brwaack! Polly want a cracker? … Oh, wait. That’s for Talk Like a PARROT Day.
That’s the finest pirate booty I’ve ever laid eyes on.
Let's get together and haul some keel.
That’s some treasure chest you’ve got there.
Top Ten Pickup Lines for the Lady Pirates
By popular demand ...
10. What are YOU doing here?
9. Is that a belayin' pin in yer britches, or are ye ... (this one is never completed)
8. Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!
7. So, tell me, why do they call ye, "Cap'n Feathersword?"
6. That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!
5. Aye, I guarantee ye, I've had a twenty percent decrease in me "lice ratio!"
4. I've crushed seventeen men's skulls between me thighs!
3. C'mon, lad, shiver me timbers!
2. RAMMING SPEED!
...and the number one Female Pirate Pick-up Line:
1. You. Pants Off. Now!
I will be using all of these tonight. And drinking rum. I think the pirates will be proud. Check out the official website for even more How Tos for your Pirate Day.
* Fish love!
[Drawn by Erin]
Yeah, fish and teenagers who secretly get married and then kill themselves because they can't be with someone they met YESTERDAY are pretty much the same, intellectually. Juliet!Fish's expression keeps making me laugh.
* I need to stop reading Megan's blog, because not only is it funny and smart and awesome, I always end up intensely wanting things I cannot have. So now I want cake and Tim Roth. Or Tim Roth could bring me a cake. That would be DELIGHTFUL.
Harry Potter
* OK, I would go to the Harry Potter theme park. I'll wait for you to stop laughing. But your laughter is bullshit, you know that? Because you'd go too. You would. You'd claim it was just to make fun of the park, and mock the people, but you know what? Secretly, you're as excited as I am. You want to get smashed at the Three Broomsticks and buy a wand at Ollivander's and hang out at the Owlery. You know it. Don't lie to yourself. It cheapens us all.
Star Trek
* I couldn't read this article, because it has spoilers, and I do not want spoilers for Star Trek 2, but from the title I can determine that Kirk will land himself in a futuristic Guantanamo Bay, and Spock and Bones will have to save him, and Spock will face prejudice because he's so damn sexy and not human, and I'll love it anyway, because DUDE, STAR TREK.
Art
* Artist Michael Murphy painted a picture of Glenn Beck out of pigment and bull crap. No, really. No, I'm not kidding. And no, I don't want to know HOW he acquired all that poop. Although I'd like to hear what Glenn Beck has to say on the matter.
[Found at Jezebel]
To be honest, I don't think this is that original or timely. After the painting of Jesus made from cow feces, I think the scandal of poop has worn off. And for what it's worth, I don't think Glenn Beck really warrants being painted in poop. I mean... really? He's the most evil, false guy you can think of? Does Mr. Murphy even WATCH television? It seems like a cop-out. It's an easy attack. What abut Dick Cheney? NOBODY likes Dick Cheney.
And I don't really like Glenn Beck, as I've said. I don't agree with his politics, and I think he yells a lot, which scares me. And I will make fun of him, as I make fun of everyone, especially people who I dislike. But this? It's stupid. And it doesn't really help a dialogue. It just makes some people laugh, and some people get all angry. Which we don't need. Everyone's already pissed off without people making pictures of radio hosts out of excrement.
That all aside, I think it's a well-done picture. I just don't think it smells nice.
Daily Hot Guy
[David Beckham is a pirate. Of my LOINS. It doesn't HAVE to make sense. Just look at him. Your argument is invalid.]
Watchmen
* Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Jackie Earle Haley, being AWESOME, per usual:
* Watchmen 2: Watchmen On Water:
[Made by Luna-WolfDemon]
In which Ozy merges with a shark and rapes the shit out of the surviving Watchmen. Pirate!Zombie!schach rises from the dead to defeat him.
It's going to be sweet, seriously.
Comics
* I don't think I could be in the International Society of Supervillains. I don't have the chops. I'm more shitty and snarky than fabulously evil, and I tend to get all 'Daw' over small fluffy animals, which I'm pretty sure is a deal-breaker in their books. Plus, they applaud the Joker for twisting his own neck until it SNAPS, in what is undoubtedly one of the most fucking terrifying scenes ever put to comic page:
[Found at ISS]
I write a blog about movies and TV and comics. How can a girl compete with THAT?!
Tattoo Of Win
* The shark has zits:
[Found at LOLTATZ]
Poor Sharky.
Words Of Win
* Yeah, see, my staring contests don't end this way:
Man stabbed after staredown outside Bedford coffee shop
Although they totally could. Staring contests are fucking EXTREME, dude. I mean, MAN... WORD.... yeah, etc.
He described it as a staring match that turned violent.
Some people's lives are very different from mine.
Russell Brand
* Russell Brand: Capable of making even Jimmy Fallon funny.
I know, I'm scared and aroused as well.
Politics
* Oh, Blago, I missed you so while you were away. I had to contend with Joe Wilson being awful, and Mark Sandford crying like a prison bitch, and Bill Clinton... being Bill Clinton, only more annoyed, and it just wasn't as fun without your thick mane of corruption to warm me on these cold, humorless nights:
Promise me you'll never leave me again, Blago? Promise?
* Did you know that there are rules for insulting the President? I did not. This is more for people in Congress, to keep them from screaming out like drunk kids at a pep rally, but I suppose they apply to everyone. And for the record: NEVER OK to scream at a President during their speech. Not Obama, not Bush, not Clinton, not Carter... OK, Nixon I probably would have allowed, but grudgingly, because he WAS President, even if he was a crazy evil ball of evil crazy.
* Levi Johnston is going to be naked, for monies, and soon. I don't think there's anything I can add to this story. At all.
* Here's a wonderful article by my friend Kevin about Russia turning its sights from West to East, and what that means for the rest of the world. Kevin runs a website about Baltic relations, and I read it whenever I want to sound like I have the slightest idea of what the hell is going on.
Food
* I don't know why I'm fascinated with Spam. Probably because I have never eaten it, even though all my friends who HAVE assure me that it is both disgusting and unhealthy. But it intrigues me. I am curious. And this only adds fuel to the fire:
[Found at ThisIsWhyYoureFat]
It's deep-fried Spam. ON A STICK. Why do I want to eat this? What does this say about my psyche? Who here has eaten Spam? Or deep fried Spam? I should not be this excited about deep fried pig bits.
Celebrity!Fail
* Haha, everyone hates Megan Fox. And by everyone, I mean like five people, not counting 99.9% of men out there, which I DO NOT GET. But let's not start that, because I yell. Instead, let's focus on how much Michael Bay's crew hates her guts:
“And who is the real Megan Fox? Megan really is a thankless, classless, graceless, and shall we say unfriendly bitch. It’s sad how fame can twist people, and even sadder that young girls look up to her. If only they knew who they’re really looking up to. But ‘fame’ is fleeting… Hopefully Michael will have Megatron squish her character in the first ten minutes of Transformers 3. We can tell you that will make the crew happy!”
Damn. I mean.... There's more? Oh...
"She was the next Angelina Jolie, hooray! Wait a minute, two of us worked with Angelina - second thought - she’s no Angelina. You see, Angelia is a professional. We know this quite intimately because we’ve had the tedious experience of working with the dumb-as-a-rock Megan Fox on both Transformers movies.”
What the hell did you DO to these guys, Ms. Fox? I mean, they REALLY don't like you. It's sort of scaring me a little. Like, I find you annoying and all, but I don't have this level of animosity. In fact... DAMMIT, now I don't even dislike you. I nothing you. This whole thing backfired. FINE, Ms. Fox, you can EXIST. HAPPY?! But stay away from a list of celebrities I will be faxing you. Or else it's back on.
It's a lovely, cold day, and it smells like Fall. I have to clean out my rat cage. I predict at least one escape attempt. Then I have a wedding to attend. i hope I don't embarrass myself in front of certain attractive young men, who already KNOW I can't dance, but may have forgotten how true that statement IS. I can't dance. Just reiterating that. You've been warned.
- LV
Sunday, July 26, 2009
You're Miserable Edgy & Tired. You're In The Perfect Mood For Journalism.
Blog
* if that's true, I am the world's perfect journalist. Title is from Transmetropolitan.
Life
* Me and Bloody Marys are separating for while. Heartburn and sodium bloat have taken the first blush off the romance.
* Skype is equal parts awesome and wholly exasperating.
Doctor Who
* Here's an article on the new Companion, and some info and such. No, I am not going to be all excited. I am UPSET with Russell T. Davies. You are NOT Joss Whedon, and anyway, he only killed off THE WHOLE FREAKING CAST OF ANGEL when the show was CANCELLED, and I was STILL upset. What are you going to do next? Have the Doctor use up all his regenerations in one episode and ruin ANOTHER THING I LOVE? YOU ARE NOT A NICE NICE, Mr. Davies.
People I Love
* I DO, however, love James Franco. Not only was he part of the epic that was Freaks and Geeks (and no, nobody DIED per se, but it was CANCELLED), he was the best part of the Spider-Man movies, he was hot in Milk, Pineapple Express rocked, and in general I like him. So when they didn't want him to speak at the UCLA commencement, I was sad. Then I was delighted when the only person they could get instead was the guitarist from Linkin Park. That's KARMA, BABY. Stings, doesn't it? So here's the speech he WOULD have given, and I think we can all agree that it would have made the world a better place. I know I feel pure and enlightened now.
Movie!Fail
* Someone needs to have words with Robert Zemeckis. They don't all have to be mean words, but some of them will have to be quite strong. Polar Express was a scary, ugly movie, and Tom Hanks is NOT Santa Claus, no matter what he imagines when he's alone. Beowulf was kind of awesome, even if it was weird, and mainly because if I ever become an evil monster demon chick, I want to be all gold and shiny like Angelina Jolie. Also naked animated heinies are always funny.
But enough of this animation shit. Because A Christmas Carol looks like the animated, even worse version of Lemony Snicket's A Series Of Unfortunate Events, which is also too bad because I thought that film had potential. But Jim Carrey looks majorly creepy, and I don't want to see this, and also after A Muppet's Christmas Carol, do we really NEED another version? I'm not being sarcastic. Michael Caine was the motherfucking MAN as Ebeneezer Scrooge, and Tiny Tim was a hurt little frog, and I CRIED. Go watch it. Not this.
Here's the Italian poster. I don't know why it's in Italian. I wasn't at that meeting. TELL ME it doesn't look like Lemony Snicket. You can't, CAN YOU?
Depression Session
* I should rename this category. Because, really, I'm just being negative, aren't I? I'm totally overreacting. Because really it's totally OK that millions of people can't afford to feed their kids, as long as we all understand that this is a cultural CLEANSING. It's like a giant cultural ENEMA. Of bad culture. We'll all stop being fat and lazy and like American Idol and Gray's Anatomy, and go to the opera more regularly.
This is all bullshit, of course. As this article says, although it's inclined to be more forgiving. Personally I have an ENORMOUS issue with anyone who is willing to ignore human suffering for some vague cultural notion. SHIT, THE DUDE IS ADRIAN VEIDT. GET OUT OF THE MAJOR CITIES. HIDE YOUR BOYS FOLDER.
Daily Hot Guy
[David Beckham. He's a pretty boring DHG, but I forgive me for my lack of originality, because HOLY SHIT LOOK AT HIM. My eyes don't know where to START. Besides, I don't here any complaining. He and Jackie Earle Haley should do an underwear ad. Yeah, I said it. And it's GENIUS.
Jersey!Fail
* I wasn't going to mention this, because it is so freaking ridiculous. But I've gotten Emails, and it IS news, so I need to say something, yeah? Basically everyone in the northern part of my state was arrested on Thursday. For trafficking human body parts. Which were then served as barbecue to tourists heading to the Jersey Shore. I'm kidding about that last bit. Obviously we don't eat barbecue at the shore. But the human organs bit is true. And maybe someone ate them. YOU DON'T KNOW. In conclusion, my state can be pretty hilarious at times. I hope when they make the inevitable made for TV movie, they use the song 'Dead or Alive' by Bon Jovi. That would make me proud.
TeeVee
* The State is out on DVD. If you don't know this, you are a bad person, and can ONLY redeem yourself by buying it/renting it/sacrificing a younger sibling to the TeeVee gods. Also this is a valuable historical document as proof that, once upon a time, MTV showed things that didn't destroy your very will to live. The State is one of the best sketch shows ever, up there with Monty Python and A Bit of Fry and Laurie. Disagree? Go get a copy, and try not to love it. Give it your best shot. It's that good.
Journalism
* This is old, and at this point I'm hesitant to post anything related to Michael Jackson, because I feel like maybe the world needs a little break from stalking his corpse, just for a week or two, but it's weird enough that I want to post it. First off, I do not like Rush Limbaugh. I just don't. I don't think he speaks for the Republican party, I worry he undermines the people on the right who AREN'T awful and always screaming, and I seriously worry that he's going to eat Michael Steele, who doesn't deserve that. Also I think nearly everything he says is factually incorrect and not sane. These are just my opinions on him. I'm sitting here in my pajamas, so there's my credibility. But even if you like him, or don't dislike him as much as I do you do have to admit that this is sort of a weird parallel to draw between Michael Jackson and whoever was President at the time:
Is it just me, or is that weird? I just.... I don't understand. Wouldn't he have done BETTER under Bush? Green Day released one of their best albums under him. What about Jimmy Carter? Why is he ignored? And, I mean, Dylan just released a gorgeous album, and Obama is currently president, so.... Does this only apply to Michael Jackson? Why would he be linked to the presidents? Is it all an allegory? Because it's not a very good one. And it's much more fun to take it literally. Reagan WAS nice to Michael Jackson, wasn't he? I would give good money to have sat in on one of their conversations. I imagine it was not of this world.
Wow
* This is a slow-motion image of a bubble bursting:
[Found at UniqueDaily]
Imagine, this must be how Zack Snyder sees the world ALL THE TIME.
Geek Want
* These are crayon rings:
[Found at Neatorama]
Things I would do with them:
- Wear them to a party where someone I hated was wearing white, then casually draw a brown line down their back.
- Use them as a brass knuckle that would MARK my attacker.
- Quickly touch up my eyeshadow while on the run.
- Sign my name on very important contracts.
- Become a modern artist.
Politics
* I am fairly indifferent to Rudy Giuliani when he is not running for the Presidential nomination, because he reminds me of the titular character in Leprechaun, and also he married his cousin, which is TRUE. LOOK IT UP. But generally speaking, he's fine. He doesn't make me insane with anger, nor do I love him. He can exist, if he must. Here he is talking about health care.
This is more entertaining because of what Wonkette said about him. They really hate him there, apparently. But remember: James Woods played him in a made-for-TV movie, so he can't be ALL BAD. I like James Woods. Remember that episode of Family Guy where he and Peter Griffin switched identities? Good times.
Awesome
* A reader found this shirt, for our club of Anger:
You can apply to join, but our requirements are quite stringent, and the club fees are not cheap. You get special consideration if you didn't get to go to Comic-Con.
Probably not more later, because I have stuff to do today. I AM BUSY. And NOT at Comic-Con. If you went, and have pictures or stories, Email them to me at elle.veev@gmail.com I will post them, and cry bitter tears of jealousy. It will be grand.
- LV
* if that's true, I am the world's perfect journalist. Title is from Transmetropolitan.
Life
* Me and Bloody Marys are separating for while. Heartburn and sodium bloat have taken the first blush off the romance.
* Skype is equal parts awesome and wholly exasperating.
Doctor Who
* Here's an article on the new Companion, and some info and such. No, I am not going to be all excited. I am UPSET with Russell T. Davies. You are NOT Joss Whedon, and anyway, he only killed off THE WHOLE FREAKING CAST OF ANGEL when the show was CANCELLED, and I was STILL upset. What are you going to do next? Have the Doctor use up all his regenerations in one episode and ruin ANOTHER THING I LOVE? YOU ARE NOT A NICE NICE, Mr. Davies.
People I Love
* I DO, however, love James Franco. Not only was he part of the epic that was Freaks and Geeks (and no, nobody DIED per se, but it was CANCELLED), he was the best part of the Spider-Man movies, he was hot in Milk, Pineapple Express rocked, and in general I like him. So when they didn't want him to speak at the UCLA commencement, I was sad. Then I was delighted when the only person they could get instead was the guitarist from Linkin Park. That's KARMA, BABY. Stings, doesn't it? So here's the speech he WOULD have given, and I think we can all agree that it would have made the world a better place. I know I feel pure and enlightened now.
Movie!Fail
* Someone needs to have words with Robert Zemeckis. They don't all have to be mean words, but some of them will have to be quite strong. Polar Express was a scary, ugly movie, and Tom Hanks is NOT Santa Claus, no matter what he imagines when he's alone. Beowulf was kind of awesome, even if it was weird, and mainly because if I ever become an evil monster demon chick, I want to be all gold and shiny like Angelina Jolie. Also naked animated heinies are always funny.
But enough of this animation shit. Because A Christmas Carol looks like the animated, even worse version of Lemony Snicket's A Series Of Unfortunate Events, which is also too bad because I thought that film had potential. But Jim Carrey looks majorly creepy, and I don't want to see this, and also after A Muppet's Christmas Carol, do we really NEED another version? I'm not being sarcastic. Michael Caine was the motherfucking MAN as Ebeneezer Scrooge, and Tiny Tim was a hurt little frog, and I CRIED. Go watch it. Not this.
Here's the Italian poster. I don't know why it's in Italian. I wasn't at that meeting. TELL ME it doesn't look like Lemony Snicket. You can't, CAN YOU?
Depression Session
* I should rename this category. Because, really, I'm just being negative, aren't I? I'm totally overreacting. Because really it's totally OK that millions of people can't afford to feed their kids, as long as we all understand that this is a cultural CLEANSING. It's like a giant cultural ENEMA. Of bad culture. We'll all stop being fat and lazy and like American Idol and Gray's Anatomy, and go to the opera more regularly.
This is all bullshit, of course. As this article says, although it's inclined to be more forgiving. Personally I have an ENORMOUS issue with anyone who is willing to ignore human suffering for some vague cultural notion. SHIT, THE DUDE IS ADRIAN VEIDT. GET OUT OF THE MAJOR CITIES. HIDE YOUR BOYS FOLDER.
Daily Hot Guy
[David Beckham. He's a pretty boring DHG, but I forgive me for my lack of originality, because HOLY SHIT LOOK AT HIM. My eyes don't know where to START. Besides, I don't here any complaining. He and Jackie Earle Haley should do an underwear ad. Yeah, I said it. And it's GENIUS.
Jersey!Fail
* I wasn't going to mention this, because it is so freaking ridiculous. But I've gotten Emails, and it IS news, so I need to say something, yeah? Basically everyone in the northern part of my state was arrested on Thursday. For trafficking human body parts. Which were then served as barbecue to tourists heading to the Jersey Shore. I'm kidding about that last bit. Obviously we don't eat barbecue at the shore. But the human organs bit is true. And maybe someone ate them. YOU DON'T KNOW. In conclusion, my state can be pretty hilarious at times. I hope when they make the inevitable made for TV movie, they use the song 'Dead or Alive' by Bon Jovi. That would make me proud.
TeeVee
* The State is out on DVD. If you don't know this, you are a bad person, and can ONLY redeem yourself by buying it/renting it/sacrificing a younger sibling to the TeeVee gods. Also this is a valuable historical document as proof that, once upon a time, MTV showed things that didn't destroy your very will to live. The State is one of the best sketch shows ever, up there with Monty Python and A Bit of Fry and Laurie. Disagree? Go get a copy, and try not to love it. Give it your best shot. It's that good.
Journalism
* This is old, and at this point I'm hesitant to post anything related to Michael Jackson, because I feel like maybe the world needs a little break from stalking his corpse, just for a week or two, but it's weird enough that I want to post it. First off, I do not like Rush Limbaugh. I just don't. I don't think he speaks for the Republican party, I worry he undermines the people on the right who AREN'T awful and always screaming, and I seriously worry that he's going to eat Michael Steele, who doesn't deserve that. Also I think nearly everything he says is factually incorrect and not sane. These are just my opinions on him. I'm sitting here in my pajamas, so there's my credibility. But even if you like him, or don't dislike him as much as I do you do have to admit that this is sort of a weird parallel to draw between Michael Jackson and whoever was President at the time:
Is it just me, or is that weird? I just.... I don't understand. Wouldn't he have done BETTER under Bush? Green Day released one of their best albums under him. What about Jimmy Carter? Why is he ignored? And, I mean, Dylan just released a gorgeous album, and Obama is currently president, so.... Does this only apply to Michael Jackson? Why would he be linked to the presidents? Is it all an allegory? Because it's not a very good one. And it's much more fun to take it literally. Reagan WAS nice to Michael Jackson, wasn't he? I would give good money to have sat in on one of their conversations. I imagine it was not of this world.
Wow
* This is a slow-motion image of a bubble bursting:
[Found at UniqueDaily]
Imagine, this must be how Zack Snyder sees the world ALL THE TIME.
Geek Want
* These are crayon rings:
[Found at Neatorama]
Things I would do with them:
- Wear them to a party where someone I hated was wearing white, then casually draw a brown line down their back.
- Use them as a brass knuckle that would MARK my attacker.
- Quickly touch up my eyeshadow while on the run.
- Sign my name on very important contracts.
- Become a modern artist.
Politics
* I am fairly indifferent to Rudy Giuliani when he is not running for the Presidential nomination, because he reminds me of the titular character in Leprechaun, and also he married his cousin, which is TRUE. LOOK IT UP. But generally speaking, he's fine. He doesn't make me insane with anger, nor do I love him. He can exist, if he must. Here he is talking about health care.
This is more entertaining because of what Wonkette said about him. They really hate him there, apparently. But remember: James Woods played him in a made-for-TV movie, so he can't be ALL BAD. I like James Woods. Remember that episode of Family Guy where he and Peter Griffin switched identities? Good times.
Awesome
* A reader found this shirt, for our club of Anger:
You can apply to join, but our requirements are quite stringent, and the club fees are not cheap. You get special consideration if you didn't get to go to Comic-Con.
Probably not more later, because I have stuff to do today. I AM BUSY. And NOT at Comic-Con. If you went, and have pictures or stories, Email them to me at elle.veev@gmail.com I will post them, and cry bitter tears of jealousy. It will be grand.
- LV
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