MILLA JOVOVICH: Hey, do you have my quarterly taxes ready? I don't want to get a penalty -- weren't they due last month?
EDWARD NORTON: Huh?
MILLA: DUDE, my TAXES.
ED: Milla, I am not your accountant.
MILLA: Are you sure?
ED: YES. I am Edward Norton, noted intense actor and filmic control freak, once romantically linked to Courtney Love, against all probability.
MILLA: You look SO much like my accountant, this kind of cute young dude who always takes off his jacket and rolls up his shirt sleeves before dealing with my finances. I always want to tell him to get his shoes shined, too.
ED: SORRY TO DISAPPOINT.
MILLA: God, you're so crabby.
ED: MAYBE I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO DRESS UP FOR THIS.
MILLA: Okay! Jeez! Man, I don't know how Courtney put up with you.
Art * This conversation just took place via Gchat: Me: Check out this door handle: [Found at Geekologie] Friend: Holy shit. Me: It's a DOOR HANDLE. Friend: That's really scary. Me: Are you kidding? Imagine going to some guys' house for a first date, and that's his door handle. He's going to be the coolest dude. Think about it! Friend: On the plus side, we probably won't be fighting over guys anytime soon.
Comics * I'd like Marvel Smartass to be president. Of something. Somewhere. This is why.
Meat feast (Beef, ham, pepperoni, chicken, sausage and bacon): Everything you do is related to sex. You're a life support system for a crotch. Get help.
Yep, that's - HEY WAIT A SECOND. CAN I CHANGE MY ANSWER?
Pepperoni Perfection (Double pepperoni, mushrooms and onions): You have lovely hair and gentle eyes. And breath that could fell a hippo.
Much better. HEY.
Whut? * I.... I don't think there's a CORRECT statement to make about this painting: [Found at Regretsy] It's VERY WELL PAINTED. Totally. But... THE FLIES ARE MAKING BABY FLIES. Flies deserve privacy. Also, I never want to see insects doing it. And I just don't get it. At all. I am culturally IGNORANT.
Food!Fail * I have a deep, deep aversion to flavored beers. Not so much (at all) flavored ciders, and I will drink anything from England, because I have a deep and fierce love for all things English. But due to the Adventures With Pumpkin-Flavored Beer, I cannot support beer that is supposed to taste like watermelon: [Found at SlashFood] Which is too bad, because the can is super-cool, and I enjoy beer greatly. No, LV! Remember Oktoberfest! REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED. Right. Flavored beer is evil, my friends. YOU WILL NOT TEMPT ME WITH YOUR WILES, SERPENT OF MY DESTRUCTION.
Daily Hot Guy [Edward Norton. I love him, and hope he decides to be in The Avengers movie, because the idea of him and Robert Downey, Jr. acting together makes me almost black out with happy.]
Politics * I love Texas hardcore, even though I've never been there, because awesome people live there, and they deep-fry EVERYTHING, and it's warm there. But John Culberson needs to maybe shut up. Because Hillary Clinton is busy with her job, and doesn't have time for marijuana in England or whatever bullshit your quacking about. Now deep fry me some butter. FOR AMERICA.
* Hi, Universe. First of all, judicial misconduct does NOT mean it's not rape. Second, lying about rape is bad. Especially when your lies are used as defense for the rapist. Third, maybe Roman Polanski uses all his genius in movies, which would explain the almost frighteningly bad life choices he makes. Just a thought. Love, LV
Epic!Fail * This may be illegal, or plagiarism, and I will take it down if need be, but you need to read this whole article to understand how epic this fail IS:
'Flasher' causes bus to hit police station
The alleged flasher being blamed for a bus crash in Hamilton is just 14-years-old.
Police say the teenager exposed himself to a fellow bus passenger, causing the terrified woman to scream.
The driver immediately drove to a nearby police station on River Rd, with the woman still screaming.
The driver stopped and opened the door, but unfortunately forgot to put the bus into neutral.
The vehicle rolled forward, crashing into the police station's entrance way.
No one was injured but the bus suffered a cracked windscreen and the building received minor damage.
Police have arrested the 14-year-old boy and charged him with carrying out an indecent act.
There is nothing I could possibly add to this story. NOTHING. Everything fails here. And everyone. Lady, it's a child's penis. That's weird and awkward, but insane hysterical screaming is MAYBE not the best way to respond. JUST A SUGGESTION.
Yes, it looks like every other zombie movie, ever. And I have no problem with that. Stick with what works, I say. Also Chris Pine is very attractive, and if he wants to spend two hours running from zombies, I have nothing to say about that.
Chinese workers have covered a giant steel bridge with butter because officials are fed up with traffic jams caused by people who slow down to watch suicide victims leaping to their death.
And it works. That is the really wow-inducing part of the whole thing. It works. I salute you, Chinese workers who thought up this. So simple, and so effective. Does the bridge smell, I wonder? Rancid butter reeks.
Nature * Nature is gross: [Found at UniqueDaily] That's a fungus, that is. Oozing red pus-like stuff. My mother thought it was a cupcake until I corrected her. She can no longer eat cupcakes.
Girly Shit * Look, we as a culture need to get over onesies. They are never going to be attractive, and they are never going to be OK: [Found at NYMag] I know some people (usually tall, super-skinny supermodels) look OK in these. But that's not enough. They are AWFUL. You have to get naked to go pee. You run the risk of camel toe. You look like a chick from Golden Girls, only without their badassery. You are NOT Bea Arthur, although that would be sweet. I would not want to date a guy who found these appealing. They are disgusting. I hate them, and I will never, ever own one. With Blogger as my witness. There. I feel better now.
Music * This is an interview, in a bathroom, with Courtney Love. I adored her as a teenager. I tried to bleach my hair (it turned orange, and most of it fell out). I tried to wear the kinderwhore look (since I'm 5'0" I just looked like a kid). I got a guitar and played 'Doll Parts' constantly (my parents still twitch when they hear that song). So yes, I think Ms. Love is a special sort of batshit insane, but I do think she's talented. Her Twitter is an insane, entertaining rambling experience, and she is unapologetically herself, and you know what? We need some crazy celebrities to keep shit interesting. Although I'm never bleaching my own hair again.
Technology * Seriously, guys, I need these night vision goggles:
[Found at CrunchGear] So here's the plan: one of you buy this game, Modern Warfare 2 (I am not a gamer, although I enjoy games). You buy the special, super-expensive edition. You give ME the night vision goggles, which I need to prepare for the zombie apocalypse, and also for general security purposes. Then you have a game, I have REAL night vision goggles, and everyone is happy. Good plan? Who's with me?
Daily Hot Guy [Edward Norton, who is a brilliant actor who has been in such films as Primal Fear, Fight Club, The 25th Hour, The Painted Veil, and The People Vs. Larry Flynt, but who right now should totally ditch this career and join the hallowed category of 'Guys who can ROCK a white undershirt.' Plus he speaks Japanese, and he's super smart. Brains are very sexy.]
Comics * Finally read the first volume of Y: The Last Man. Yes, I know, I am probably the last person to read it, because I suck, but I have a LOT of reading on my plate, OK? So shut up. Anyway, it was AMAZING, and I love it, and now I need to go buy the rest, with my imaginary money.
* Continuing my reread of Transmetropolitan. I do want to live in that world. I can't imagine I'd do well, but I'd have fun until the inevitable fall. Plus I'd be a Spider Jerusalem groupie. Which would be fun, if supremely dangerous. I got so caught up in just enjoying the book that I didn't transcribe, so I'll go back and do that at some point this week, after the pile of other stuff shrinks. I really commit myself to too many projects. Because I like being busy, then I get insane, and then I can't work. It's a vicious cycle. Spider Jerusalem would understand. And I finally got good pictures of the bowel disruptor, thanks to Theresa and Erin, and their overall genius and computer skillz. So my shirt is going to be TWISTED.
* On an unrelated note, there are some FUCKED UP Batman toys out there, yes? Look at this water pistol: [Found at ToplessRobot] I will not be squeezing it. Ever. The house is on fire? Too bad. Not touching that thing. Also he has a butt plug. Also the expression on his face is terrifying. There are more toys, here, and they are wrong in every possible way, and please make the bad men STOP.
Russell Brand * First off, if everyone else thought Russell Brand was revolting, he'd HAVE to turn to me for solace. Second, I don't find any of these reported sexual acts particularly disturbing. I have a high threshold for the weird, or maybe men shagging glamour models in threesomes isn't that weird? Third, I think this whole thing was disproven, but either way, after you've had politicians in diapers and royalty saying they wish they were someone's tampon, this is practically prudish.
Hunter S. Thompson * A whole website about Hunter Thompson on film. Sometimes the internet is generous. And sometimes, when you google 'bowel disruptor,' it gives you UNSPEAKABLE HORROR. To be fair, I should have expected that.
Politics * So it looks like we're all blaming Mark Sandford for everything, now. I must have missed that meeting. Really, I'm just amused by his tears and his bullshit, and think he should be in trouble for BUGGERING OFF for like a week and leaving his poor staff in a state of panic. But he is denying calling some other dude gay, which is clearly the WORST THING YOU CAN CALL ANYONE, EVAR, because really THAT is what we all care about in this day and age. Not the recession or the war or how Swine Flu is going to kill us all, and the survivors will have to live in The Stand, and with my luck I'll live through Swine Flu and then fall off a building. Unless Mark Sandford is weeping openly like a prison bitch on national TV about his forbidden love, I do not really care.
Zombies * This is apparently the Sunday where categories are all flippy. I talked about zombies in Movie!Win, Russell Brand in TwiHate, Swine flu in politics, and now I'm talking about bacon in Zombies. But follow my logic, here: [Found at Geekologie] Canned bacon will be ESSENTIAL to the survival of the species come the zombie apocalypse. It lasts ten years, and it has tons of protein, and there's a gun on the can, so you KNOW it's all about survival. Of course, this doesn't bode well for the vegans and vegetarians, but when you're fighting for survival from flesh-eaters, the dietary restrictions of others aren't at the top of your list of concerns.
That's all, really. I'm debating wearing my FREAKANGELS shirt to the comic store, to see if anyone notices, or if I get kidnapped and held hostage. It's a weird comic store. And I'm pretty sure the comic store with the cute guy is closed. Or maybe not. What's closed on Labor Day weekend?
Busy, busy, busy, as Kurt Vonnegut used to say. - LV
Blog * It's a super-power that even SPIES can't fight, Michael. Title is from Burn Notice.
Movie!Fail * I know you know this already, because it is the weirdest goddamn movie idea since Being John Malkovich, only it has NO CHANCE of being good. They're making a movie based on Viewmaster. For those of you who didn't grow up in the age of win, this is a Viewmaster: [Found at io9] You know who I feel bad for? The press guy for this movie. His life is just a misery. 'We're all... very excited.... about the new movie. It should... look amazing! Yes! It will have colors! SO MANY COLORS! And no action. We've moved beyond action! And actors! Actors are the past! ....I'm fired, aren't I?'
Depression Session * We already have commercials on the TV about how gold is our only savior as the economy collapses (but it's not this week, so stop panicking and go shopping, for America), but what happens when even gold is useless? Well obviously you sell your children and become a Mad Max-style road warrior and join force with Jackie Earle Haley and the ghost of Hunter Thompson and Robert Downey, Jr. and start your own civilization. But when you have to trade with other, lesser societies, here are five things you can use for currency instead of boring old money.
Zombies * Here is the red-band trailer for Zombieworld. And some footage. My coffee is NOT WORKING. I need a zombie apocalypse just to wake me up. Focus, LV, focus. So Zombieworld is going to be the greatest zombie movie since the other zombie movies I like, and Woody Harrelson will save us all with his country twang, although I hope he doesn't refer to anyone as his 'lover' because that skeeved me out in Natural Born Killers.Robert Downey, Jr. was in that movie. Played an Australian. Just saying. Why hasn't HE been in a zombie movie? Sherlock Holmes faces zombies? And before you laugh, how is this ANY more ridiculous than the Viewmaster movie? Exactly.
TeeVee * Here is a spoiler-free review of the pilot episode of the remake V. It's being called wonderful and scary. I had no doubt it would be. You can't get two cast members from Firefly and NOT be made of win. It's a medical impossibility. Plus Alan 'Alpha Wash' Tudyk is a force of absolute good, even in movies that are barely permitted to exist. So yay, V! Fall TV is going to be awesome. Remind me to write a blog entry about all the shows I need to follow.
Journalism * They want to ban linking on the internet, to save journalism. And by 'they,' I mean, 'journalists and people who fear change.'
Expanding copyright law to bar online access to copyrighted materials without the copyright holder's consent, or to bar linking to or paraphrasing copyrighted materials without the copyright holder's consent, might be necessary to keep free riding on content financed by online newspapers from so impairing the incentive to create costly news-gathering operations that news services like Reuters and the Associated Press would become the only professional, nongovernmental sources of news and opinion.
Let me make this very, very clear, as a journalism student, a writer, a human being, a coffee junkie, whatever: FUCK. THAT. As this article says, you cannot copyright SHIT THAT HAS HAPPENED. My dog just barked at the neighbors. DON'T WRITE ABOUT IT. THAT'S MINE. This is BULLSHIT, and breaks first amendment rights, and is also INSANE. Now I'm going to link more than ever. FOR FREEDOM. DON'T CENSOR ME. I love newspapers and magazines, and I want them to survive. But if this is their big solution, shit don't look good.
Wow. * This picture of Charlie brown really upsets me: [Found at LikeCool] It's very well done and all, but... GOD. Why are his features so tiny, and his hair looks like Nicolas Cage's hair, and this is why cartoon characters should NEVER be made to look realistic. Remember that Simpsons Halloween episode where Homer ended up in our world? That was alarming. Giant round yellow people are NOT welcome, unless they bring beer. Then I accept them.
Geek Want * Speaking of Homer Simpson, I challenge anyone to not want this: [Found at NerdApproved] It's amazing. And why hasn't this existed before? But you don't really drink BEER from flasks, do you? And Homer is a beer man. My favorite glass is the one to the far left. It's the face of a man who has imbibed much alcohol, but has not yet crossed the line to where he lacks control over his bodily functions. Not that Homer generally has much authority over those.
Daily Hot Guy [Edward Norton, who has not been around nearly enough since The Incredible Hulk, and who I miss terribly, because man can ROCK a suit]
Politics * Look, you can say and think whatever you want. This is America. You have the right to your opinions, and are entitled to express them. But can I offer one suggestion? Maybe stop posting your opinions on Facebook. Not because you can't, or shouldn't. Do as you would. But it never ends well. You get people angry, you get fired, and this is not the economic time to be unemployed. Also, Facebook sucks. This woman said mean things about Obama, and then she got fired, which I think is illegal in and of itself, but WHY would you post anything on Facebook, EVER? I'm more amazed that after all the stories about people getting fired for incriminating posts/pictures on Facebook, anyone uses the damn thing anymore. I mean, REALLY. My Facebook entries are usually: 'I went to work. I love my job.' So this is less about politics, and more about how anyone posting things on Facebook is probably going to lose everything they hold dear. I will say this, though: You can think of a better name than 'O-Dumb-A,' can't you? I mean, I LIKE the guy, and I could think of better names. Not right now, but I'm only on cup two of coffee.
Awesome * I'm sorry. I just.... I can't stop watching this:
What minstrels of the soul wrought so perfect a creation?
WTF, INTERNET? * OK, REALLY: [Found at Geekologie] What is the POINT of this? It's not funny. Some people can rock a 'stache, but most people cannot. And no one who CAN rock a 'stache would EVER have one of these. You stick them on bottles and pretend to have a mustache for the time it takes to drink. WHAT? Then it gets all slimy and sticky from backwash, and I would NEVER love anyone who had one of these. WHY DO THEY EXIST? Here are real options: either GROW a mustache, or don't. But no one who wore one of these ever got laid. Only Jackie Earle Haley could combat this level of stupid. He would GROW a mustache. In under a MINUTE. And that mustache would bring about WORLD PEACE. Coffee just kicked in, huzzah!
Movie!Win
* Jason Statham has signed to play a “rather crude, un-pc, borderline sociopath of a cop” in a British production of the Ken Bruen novel “Blitz”.
The shirt scene is at 1:33. Don't look at me like that. If Jackie Earle Haley or Robert Downey, Jr. did this, I'd be in a coma. A HAPPY coma.
Vampires * Here's a Q&A about True Blood, which is infinitely better than Twilight because the vampires are crazy and evil AND they bite people and have sex and don't SPARKLE like sad little unwanted suncatchers, or cry because they can't bang their girlfriends, or BUCKLE THEIR SEATBELTS FOR THEM. I need to watch last weeks' episode. I keep saying that, but I haven't yet. I've been BUSY. BUT they're going to do the Eric/Sookie/Bill triangle from the books, which I haven't read, but the more Eric the better because DAMN he can corrupt me ANY TIME HE WANTS. Sorry. The coffee, it makes me loud.
Russell Brand * This is Russell Brand and Tom Green. Don't ask, just accept. You see, Russell is so sexy and glorious that he can even make Tom Green timely and cool once again. That's serious powers. Incidentally, I was very happy that the rumor about Tom Green being seriously hurt was just bullshit. Remember the Bum song? I do. Oh, I do.
More later. In the meantime, get off your ass and go listen to World Peace Through Jackie Earle Haley. You don't LITERALLY have to get off your ass. You don't have to move at ALL. And it's funny. And if you listen and comment, and are VERY good, there may be another podcast, soon. Unless you liked Twilight. Then you get NOTHING. - LV
