Have You Ever Watched Daytime TV? It's Terrible.

Blog
* Obviously this does not include Maury, who is beyond such verbal slander. Title is from Supernatural.

Wow
* This disturbs me on so many levels. This is in no way OK. George Lopez and Wax George Lopez share a tender moment:

[Found at Best Week Ever]
This could be the opening scene of the WORTS PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIE EVER. OH GOD MY MIND'S EYE JUST BLINDED ITSELF.

WTF, INTERNET?
* You know, Internet, we need to talk. I get that as a culture we are fascinated and amused by penises. We're a little fixated. I get it. I won't argue that. But we may be entering truly depraved territory here:

[Found at Nerd Approved]

DO I EVEN NEED TO EXPLAIN THIS? IT IS A FAN, WHERE THE PENIS IS THE FAN, AND HIS BODY IS ALL DEFORMED, AND HIS PENIS IS A FAN, GUYS. A FAN PENIS. Maybe I'm a weird girl, but DO NOT FREAKING WANT. WHY IS HIS PENIS A FAN? WHY IS IT COMING OUT OF HIS BELLY BUTTON? WHY WOULD I PAY $10.00 FOR A DEFORMED LITTLE MAN WITH A PENIS FAN?

WE HAVE BEEN BROUGHT LOW, PEOPLE.

Writing
* When I am having writer's block, or need inspiration, or just want someone to admit that writing can REALLY SUCK AS A CAREER, SOMETIMES, I read Warren Ellis' blog:

Ha ha I thought I was done with the Marvel Anime job but it turns out I forgot something that they need in 48 hours ha ha oh god my eyemeat hurts and I’m sleeping in four-hour blocks and god I hate deadlines so much especially when it’s my own damn fault for thinking this stage wasn’t due yet and I will be done with this job today or this job will be done with me and so will life.

Then I feel better, until I remember that he gets paid to make the words, and I do not, and then I have to go be alone for a while, with my RAGE.

Easter
* I know YESTERDAY was Easter, but you know what? Time is an illusion, and blogs are timeless, and I wasn't near the internet yesterday, because I was busy eating and drinking and making merry with various relations, SO BITE ME. Anyway, consider it a kindness that I'm posting this AFTER Easter:

[Found at Regretsy]
So you decapitate the lamb-cake, and it bleeds, and nobody in your immediate family is EVER OK, AGAIN, THE END. What is going ON in Milwaukee? Are lambs slaughtered on Easter? I don't know these things, I just show up at the parties and eat stuff and wear super-cute outfits. That's how I roll.

This is how Jesus rolls:

[Found at World of Wonder]
JESUS AND A WEE BABY RAPTOR. YES. ALL RELIGIONS WOULD BE IMPROVED BY THE ADDITION OF RAPTORS.

Animals
* OK, I need to correct myself. America is obsessed with penises, and our pets. From the time I was a wee sprat of a lass, I have been taught, NO PETS AT THE TABLE. Particularly when you have to STRAP your pets to the table:

[Found at Incredible Things]
This is insane. I am sorry, but COME ON. It's a high chair, for a small cat or dog. Now, the animals I know would not be happy about this. They would claw the EVERLOVING FUCK out of a table, rather than deal with this sort of indignity. And it's $50.00.

You know what? The Four Horsemen aren't showing up. They're too EMBARRASSED.

Music
* Louden Swain is the band of Prophet Chuck from Supernatural. They are also incredibly good, and that confuses me, because Prophet Chuck should not be singing such lovely, funny, catchy songs:

NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE. UP IS DOWN. BLACK IS WHITE. NERDS ARE HOT. Wait, nerds are always hot. Carry on.

Movie!Fail
* Remember XXX? The stupid Vin Diesel movie, pretty much like every other stupid Vin Diesel movie, only he had tattoos, I think (I don't really mind Vin Diesel. He has terribly nice arms, and has made a career out of having nice arms and a deep voice, and I respect that). I don't remember, except that the opening scene had Rammstein, yes? And Samuel L. Jackson was there? Right?

OH, and there was a sequel, with Ice Cube, but I didn't see it. But now we're on the third installment, which will be in 3-D.

FEAR AND LOATHING PREDICTION: There will be at least one line about "XXX.... IN 3-D" or some awful play on words that will make me die inside at the FAIL of the world.

Did you guys know we're up to the fifth installment of The Fast & The Furious? Yeah, I'm sad too.

Daily Hot Guy

[Neil Patrick Harris, AKA NPH, AKA HE'S GOING TO BE ON GLEE, YOU GUYS. DO YOU COMPREHEND THE PROFOUND RIGHTNESS OF THE UNIVERSE IN THAT STATEMENT? Oh, NPH, how do I love thee? Let us feast upon White Castle, and you can sing to me, OK?]

Daily Icon

“In America you can get away with murder, but not with sex.”
- Xaviera Hollander

Want
* Have I ever told you guys about when I worked at Troma Studios? Yep, I interned there one summer, and MAN, do I have some stories. Ask me some time, and I will offer forth tidbits of the glorious-ness.

Since I worked at Troma, and had to do some pretty degrading things (but it's OK, for ART) I should get these radiation barrel glasses for free, right?

[Found at Geekologie]
And yes, I know that these aren't made by Troma, and have pretty much nothing to do with Troma at all, but in my mind they have a correlation, and so I get them for free. SO IT IS WRITTEN, SO IT SHALL BE DONE.

Harry Potter
* For those of you that are not almost deliriously excited by the Harry Potter theme park, I'd suggest you skip over to the next section, because I am pretty fucking stoked beyond words about this, and if you think it's lame, that is just dandy, more butterbeer for me, FUCKERS.

Ahem. Behold, Hagrid's hut:

[Found at Slash Film]
I'm going to get wasted with Hagrid and go flirt with Snape. SHUT UP, BEST THEME PARK EVER. You're just jealous. Fools.

Interwebz
* 'Chexting' is my new least-favorite word. I hate it. It's cheating through text. Like sexting, We don't need to shorten ALL WORDS, people. Journalism used to be about figuring out corrupt political scams, or exposing injustice. Not thinking up the technological equivalent of 'Bennifer.'

Anyway, let's see what they say:

Their affairs have spawned a new word in pop culture, chexting, and raised the question of whether it really is cheating on a spouse. The experts say, you bet it is.
"It's lipstick on the cellular -- digital proof that becomes evidence you've been unfaithful," says Peter Dedman of Predicto Mobile, the largest paid mobile community in America.

Lipstick on the cellular? I hate everyone. Ever. All the time. THIS IS NOT NEWS.

PS As I was told on Twitter, 'Chexting' sounds more like the snack than a crime. Chex are delicious.

We are all doomed, but it's OK, because Neil Patrick Harris will sing to us, and maybe do a duet with Louden Swain, IN MY MIND.
- LV

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Youth Is Truth! I Wish 'Old' Rhymed With 'Lies!'

Blog
* Maybe it does, maybe it does. Title is from Mr. Show.

Daily Buy
* I know what I want for Christmas:

[Found at Like Cool]
It's a TANK. A TANK. I need this. Because then I get to pretend I'm in Firefly, and wear a leather skirt and, like, a halter top and have big Tina Turner in Beyond the Thunderdome hair, and this thing has FLAME THROWERS, PEOPLE. I could live in this tank.
And it's a steal at $19,999.95. YOU CAN BUY IT ON AMAZON.

People I Love
* Here's an article from NY Magazine about Neil Patrick Harris, and how totally wonderful and made of win he is. AND HE'S A MAGICIAN. DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?

Fandom
* I don't like Pokemon, and I don't like math, but I sort of love this:

[Found at Geekologie]

Movie!Fail
* We don't need another Amityville Horror remake. Really, we've had enough. The last one only got a pass because of Ryan Reynold's arms. And before you call that shallow, have you SEEN his arms? They end most arguments. They are very good arms.

This is not from Amityville Horror, but I like it for many reasons. Anyway, unless you want to feature another sexy guy going crazy shirtless, I am calling this Movie!Fail.

TeeVee
* Remember all those 'baby' cartoons that came out for a while? Tiny Toon Adventures was one of my favorites. Wasn't there a Looney Toons Babies or something? I remember being very scared of Bugs Bunny in a diaper. Here's a list of the best and worst, according to Topless Robot. Yes, Topless Robot did expose us all to the Fan Fiction Friday I posted yesterday. But there's NONE OF THAT in this link. I promise. I couldn't handle that.

Daily Hot Guy

[Neil Patrick Harris, AKA NPH, and I SWEAR I do not plan this stuff out, the Blog just knows who I'm talking about and acts accordingly. It's a little scary, if I stop and think about it.]

Awesome
* If you've seen this, you need to see it again. If you haven't seen it, you need to be exposed to the endless glory of this video:

That should get us all through Monday, right?

Movie!Win
* The title of this category is literal, as some dude bought an old film off of eBay, for less than $6.00 (did that include shipping and handling? Probably not, they KILL you on the shipping), and it turned out to be the Lost Charlie Chaplin film. Stuff like this actually HAPPENS? I worked at a video store, and the rarest film I ever saw was the VHS copy of Cold As Ice.

I still regret not purchasing it.

Childhood!Fail
* Now hold the hell up. I know that kids these days are cuddled and over-indulged and protected from everything, but really, this is starting to get scary.

When it snows, and there is a hill, a kid drags a sleigh up the hill, and sleds down it, and it is fun and exciting and teaches you to avoid crashing into cars or trees or other people. IT IS GOOD FOR YOU.

Well, some parents have decided that dragging those heavy sleighs up those HUGE hills is just too much for their delicate little flowers:

{Found at Like Cool]
Sleds on your ass. So you can run up the hill and slide down on your ass. Because sleds are LAME, it seems. THIS IS CRAP. NO. YOU DRAG THE SLEIGH UP AND IT BUILDS CHARACTER. I LOVED MY LITTLE RED SLEIGH WHEN I WAS GROWING UP.
And you know what? If I was a little kid, and saw another kid with their butt encased in plastic, I'd kick them. Repeatedly. Because that's what kids DO.
How much do you want to bet that this kids' name is Chair Universe Artichoke Dream or something?

Wow
* Longtime blog readers will recall the time I tried to sell some very ugly handmade scarves on Etsy. I felt bad for charging money for such things, although they never sold, so my guilt was short-lived.
This made me feel better about the whole venture:

[Found at Regretsy]
I like the bit where she designed it. Because I used to do that with unbent paper clips when I was bored.

Animals
* BABY MONKEY DAW:

[Found at Jacksonville News]
Bonobo babies are snuggly. I want to rub its little head.

Mondays HURT, man.
- LV

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Why Are You Still Talking?!

Blog
* I'm always talking. That's what I do. Title is from Pushing Daisies, which had a shorter run than Renegade. I don't want to talk about it.

* I'm going to try something new for this category. Instead of just telling you the Quote Of The Day, I'm also going to point out the blogs of the girls on the podcast with me, World Peace Through Jackie Earle Haley, and why you should be reading them. And then you will, because I am wise in the ways of the internet.

* Theresa gives an amazing run-down of Deadpool, beginning her series where she looks at comics you should be reading, and analyzes them, and makes me want more comics, which is already a problem.
And how many superheroes have exchanges like this:

Sabretooth: Scream for me.
Deadpool: Okay how about this: OMG FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DONT KILL ME PLEASSSE!!
Sabretooth: Quiet!
Deadpool: I can say it with a girly tone if you want.

Not enough.

* Erin is a wonderful artist, and her sketch blog amuses me on a daily basis. This is one of my favorites:

It's funny because it's true. Plus, she's on the only other podcast you need to listen to, besides WPTJEH, New York Geekcast.

* Megan loves history and Transmetropolitan and David Tennant and Jackie Earle Haley and Dog Soldiers. I also suspect her to be a ninja-pirate. Of WIN.

* Caro, the high priestess behind WPTJEH and JEHFans, also shares my opinions on romantic comedies, namely that being all twee and cute in now ways excuses you from a plot. Plus, Jeffrey Dean Morgan makes everything better.

* Michelle, who is a BAMF, teaches you how to respond to art in a non-douchey way. You apparently need this lesson, because some of the comments out there are APPALLING. And we're all very ashamed of you. She's also a great artist in her own right, so she knows what she's talking about.

Freakangels Friday
* I am going to wear my FREAKANGELS shirt today, because A) it's Friday, B) There's a new issue up, C) I haven't worn it yet, and D) If Karl dies in today's issue, I will seem psychic, and maybe be able to scam people out of money like Madam Cleo. What happened to Madan Cleo? She scared me. Anyway, go read it, because it's raining in Whitechapel, and I wish I lived in a steampunk post-cyberpunk world. I wouldn't last long, but I'd be entertained during the time I lasted.

As every week, I will read this issue of FREAKANGELS after I post this blog entry, and spoilers will be below my signature.

Hunter S. Thompson
* Do you think Dr. Thompson ever got tired of answering the same stupid questions? I do. Because I am his imaginary widow, and when reading Ancient Gonzo Wisdom, I got the impression that he was not into some of these interviews. But it's a great read, as this review says, and if you read one interview a day, you get the glorious Doctor every day for ages. Read all in one shot, it starts to get tiresome, and you really wish Dr. Thompson had owned a bowel disruptor. Not because of him, but because the interviewers tend to cover the same ground. Which annoys me. My interview with him would have been vastly different. Nobody else would have asked him about Watchmen, or philosophy, or Southern cooking. Would they?

Politics
* How do you get a book to be a pre-selling phenomenon? A) Be famous, B) Go on Oprah and tearfully confess to some hideous sins, or C) Die. This is in no way an attempt to disrespect the late Ted Kennedy's book, I'm just pointing something out. I want to read it. I'm interested in what he has to say. But really, if he hadn't been famous and now dead, I don't think his book would have made as big a splash. I'm still waiting for Mark Sandford's book. That shit is going to be STEAMY.

* On second thought, screw Mark Sandford. Not literally. OH GOD not literally. No, he too has fallen away as my favorite Wingnut. Right now it's that Canadian politician who ATE A SEAL HEART, RAW, and Mike Duvall. Mike Duvall is the dude who related, in excruciating detail, his fap-directory, in front of a microphone AND a video camera. The man likes spanking. This is not quite as bad as Dave Vitter wearing diapers, but Mr. Duvall gets extra points for A) being recorded B) using the phrase 'making love' to describe his fucking, and C) denying that saying his fornicating with a lobbyist and another lady qualifies as 'cheating.' Well played, sir.

Zombies
* No matter how good a zombie fighter you are, you will end up as a zombie. Or commit suicide in a dramatic and over-the-top fashion, usually by explosion. It's something we all have to accept. Zombies will, ultimately, win. Laws of nature. So to prepare for this, I have zombie-fied myself:

At least I'll be a kick-ass zombie.

Food
* I know I like weird food combinations. I'm infamous for it among my friends, who have told me repeatedly not to eat mayonnaise and dark chocolate in their presence. Shut up, it's delicious. But this, to me, is disgusting, and I do not wish to partake of it, if that's all right with you guys:

[Found at TheWorldsBestEver]
Now, if it was a buttermilk pancake, I'd probably be on board. Like I said, weird food? I'm in. But that pancake is chocolate chip, and this is just gross. Even I have limits. It's a chocolate chip pancake wrapped around a sausage. Which you then microwave. That's horrifying. Although if you're drunk/stoned, it's probably the greatest taste sensation ever.

Daily Hot Guy

[Neil Patrick Harris, AKA Doogie Howser, AKA NPH, AKA Billy Buddy, AKA Dr. Horrible, on a unicorn. This picture is taken from real life, you know. He has a unicorn. The only one in existence. Because he's freaking NPH. I'm making a 'What Would NPH Do?' shirt, I decided just this second. Because, really, what WOULD he do? That's how you should live your life.

Books
* I liked Joe Hill before any of you did. I did, totally. SERIOUSLY. He was my friend on LibraryThing, and he even commented when I posted a review of the advanced copy of Heart-Shaped Box, which scared the crap out of me. I love Joe Hill. He's a brilliant writer, and now he's doing comics, and FINALLY, another novel is coming out:

[Found at JoeHillFiction]
I'm going to pre-order it, and read it, and no doubt love it. Because that's the kind of dude Joe Hill is.

Doctor Who
* I do not care about the new Doctor Who animated series, Dreamland. I apologize if I've let anyone down, or the fandom down in general. But the animation reminds me of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius, and I do not want a connection between Doctor Who and Nickelodeon, if I can help it.

Just saying.

Inglourious Basterds
* Quentin Tarantino has released the list of songs he listened to while making the movie from which this category gets its name. I'm a little nonplussed. Dylan? Awesome. Bowie? Fabulous. But while everyone else is alarmed by his selection of a Britney Spears song, I'm more freaked out by Barbara Streisand.
Quentin? We need to have a little chat.
Not that I'm going to download all these songs to my iTunes, to see if I can mayhap understand the logic behind these choices.
Perish the thought.

WhedonVerse
* Here's a profile of Joss Whedon. Who I should hate, logically speaking, because he kills all my favorite characters and frightens me and makes me cry, and gets me insanely obsessed with TV shows, which then results in my parents wondering if this is normal behavior for a twenty-three year-old (it is). But I don't, because he is funny, and brilliant, and he makes great work consistently, and he CARES about his fans and even encourages people to read fan-fiction, and there is not a single thing he's done that I dislike (cue someone sending some obscure thing of his that I'll hate), and he loves his characters.
When he's asked why a character died, or suffered, he explains in excruciating detail. This isn't an arbitrary, 'Well, someone has to die' situation. He thinks about it. So even when I'm a sobbing, demented wreck because he ended the life of ANOTHER character I love, I know it isn't a decision he made lightly, or just for ratings, or just to FUCK WITH THE FANS. Not that I'm talking about anyone Russell T. Davies or anything.
Team Whedon: Everything we do is genius.

People I Love
* R. Crumb is a brilliant, sick man who frightens me as often as he impresses me.
But he puts 78 records in the oven, and for that alone he belongs in this category:

[Found at BoingBoing]

Stuff To Live
* Can you imagine having this in a college dorm?

[Found at LikeCool]
Of course, I went to a liberal arts college, so some asshole would have turned it into 'art' by smearing it with paint, and I would have been PISSED as hell. Because ping pong and beer pong are fun, and essential to surviving college.

Sequel!Fail
* Sigh. I used to be a huge X-Phile. Like, to the point where I STILL remember Mulder's full name, and insisted to my mother I was going to name my firstborn son 'Fox Spock,' (it coincided with a return to Star Trek: The Original Series), and I ate sunflower seeds and read the episode breakdowns, and all that shameful stuff, which my boyfriend at the time viewed with a degree of amusement that covered up the fact that he was a 'punk rock drummer' whose girlfriend was more interested in alien abductions than the usual rock star shenanigans.
But I digress. The point is, not a single one of the X-File movies has been good, and why the HELL would you make a third, and can't you just leave the series alone?!

Long blog post. I may go back to bed. As every Friday, spoilers for this weeks' FREAKANGELS below my signature.
- LV
WARNING: SPOILERS FOR THIS WEEKS' FREAKANGELS BELOW
Kirk is an idiot. This will not end well for Luke. Death for everyone, except Karl, who I MISS. But he didn't die, so my FREAKANGELS shirt won't be soaked with tears.
This was probably the most predictable entry yet, but I'm willing to let it slide, because the art is so gorgeous. Yes, I am generous and magnanimous.

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She Has No Family. She Ate Them.

Blog
* Six years since I left high school, and this line still makes me snerk. As does the whole show. Title is from Daria.

Harry Potter
* There is no time that this photo is not appropriate:

Made by Caro, who makes so many wonderful things it frightens me a little. Have you heard her podcast? I think she has powers. Don't piss her off.

Star Trek
* I could die happy if Zaphod Beeblebrox and Captain Kirk had a war of words. Unfortunately, the universe is a cruel and unfeeling place, so I have to rely on macros for any hint of this miraculous world:

[Found at ONTD_StarTrek]
There are many more here, but I still sort of think that Sam Rockwell could beat Chris Pine.

Doctor Who
* Here's an article about Julie Gardner, the Executive Producer of Doctor Who, Torchwood, and The Sarah Jane Adventures. As far as I can tell she didn't BRUTALLY SLAUGHTER my favorite character and make me a crying ball of crazy, so I continue to like her.

Comics
* I am still angry about the San Diego Comic-Con. STILL ANGRY. Especially when I see the website for the New York Comic-Con. Because on one hand, AWESOME PEOPLE are going to be there: Grant Morrison and Art Spiegelman and Matt Fraction and Colin Baker and Eve Myles (who will only be answering questions about Ianto) and Joss Whedon and Seth Green. But San Diego has Jackie Earle Haley and Zack Snyder and Johnny Depp and Dragon*Con has Gareth David Lloyd, and I am BITTER, OK? Who wants to send me money for Dragon*Con? I make no money off this blog. I'm just saying.
And yes, I still intend to GO to the New York Comic-Con. I just will be passive aggressive and shitty about the San Diego one. That's how I roll.

People I Love
* So these kids were put into an exercise program, because American kids are all fat like the blob people in Wall-E. And they had to use pedometers to record how much they walked. But the kids didn't want to work out, because they had video games and snack chips and cell phones and MP3 players. So what did they do? Did they work out, get in shape, and realize that exercise is a fun and important part of a healthy life?
Shit no. They attached the pedometers to their dogs' collars and went inside and ate Twinkies. Lazy Kids, I salute you.

Daily Hot Guy

[Neil Patrick Harris, AKA NPH, who as Doctor Horrible made me quiver with fear and LUST. I mean fear. Musical fear. His gloves are awesome. They need a sequel with Jackie Earle Haley as a villain. That would be SICK.]

Movie!Fail
* 300 is coming out on Blu-Ray in some insane version that, I don't know, squirts blood in your face when you open it and makes your life run briefly in slow-motion. I don't know because I DON'T HAVE BLU-RAY, and therefore cannot experience the wonders. ZACK SNYDER, TELL US WHAT THEY DID TO YOUR FAMILY. WE CAN HELP YOU. BUT EITHER BUY ME A DAMN BLU-RAY PLAYER, OR STOP BEING PREJUDICED AGAINST THOSE OF US WITHOUT BLU-RAY. Which is too bad, really, because 300 is fun and looks cool as shit and has a Pit of Death. Did Crash have a Pit of Death? No, it did not.

Depression Session
* Harvard's going to sink into abject poverty, and rats and the homeless insane will run the lecture halls, and where Harvard goes so goes the country, so we are all doomed, DOOMED I says, because nobody wants to pay ridiculous sums of money to spend four years in college working your ass off, only to end up living in your parent's home in New Jersey because the economy HATES YOU, and this sentence ended in a much different place than I meant it to.

Zombies
* Clearly I've been looking at this zombie apocalypse the wrong way. I don't need a flame-thrower. I'm still going to have SEVERAL, but more for cooking and to light cigarettes and be badass, and realistically eventually set myself on fire, but ultimately all I need is a wall of tasers:

[Found at Geekologie]
So the zombies are all flopping on the ground trying to figure out what the hell just happened, and I will take my flame thrower and BURN THEM, or shoot them in the head, because if I learned anything from Maniac Cop 3, it's that fire solves NO PROBLEMS involving zombies. AND my Taser Wall has a REMOTE, and I love remotes. I'd like five for Christmas, please.

TeeVee
* Dexter is a good show, mostly, but this poster is freaking me out. I will not be babysitting this kid. Ever. Look at his cold dead little eyes. Dexter Season 4 starts at the end of September. I'm still staring at the baby. KICK IT INTO THE PIT OF DEATH. "This... Is.... NAPTIME."

More later. Although when I say that, you usually don't get more later, because I am a BUSY PERSON. But probably more later. In the meantime, go listen to World Peace Through Jackie Earle Haley for all your life needs. I'm on it, but more importantly funny and smart people are on it, and we talk about Jackie Earle Haley, and is it really Tuesday? I am very sleepy.
- LV

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