I Haven't Cried Like That Since 'Titanic'!

Blog
* But you came pretty close to it when you ran out of Twinkies. Title is from Zombieland, which came out today and which I now own.

* In honor of Zombieland, which I love very much (in case you haven't been paying attention), today's blog is A) Much later than usual, and B) Zombie-Focused. OK, A is more because I overslept. But let's say it has something to do with Zombieland, shall we?

* I posted a shitload of Zombieland rules posters over on my Tumblr, along with some other fun stuff. And I'm not posting it all again, and you can't make me, so HA.

Life Lessons
* There will be a zombie apocalypse, one day, if you believe George Romero (and I do). You may scoff, but don't come crying to me when people are munching on your grey matter.

Even if you do prepare, we're still probably all screwed. The Oatmeal explains why the zombies always win. On the other hand, ZOMBIES IN A BALL PIT? Sign me up.

* Here are ALL the Zombieland Rules. Memorize them. Burn them into your brain (or your skin, a la Memento). THEY WILL SAVE YOUR ASS.

Wow
* Did you know that AFTER you die, you can stand trial? And real trial, not that Street Court shit:

In 897 CE, Pope Stephen VI accused former Pope Formosus of perjury and violation of church canon. The problem was that Pope Formosus had died nine months earlier. Stephen worked around this little detail by exhuming the dead pope’s body, dressing it in full papal regalia, and putting it on trial. He then proceeded to serve as chief prosecutor as he angrily cross-examined the corpse. T

I would have paid good money to see that. This will make it much easier to prosecute the zombies. Until, you know, they start chewing on the judge. Dead people can also get married, and be used as fuel. Death is not the end!

Epic!Fail
* NO:

Swaroup Anand, 23, from Bangalore, is fully conscious as he undergoes open-heart surgery.

NO. You cut me open, I am knocked the hell out. I want ALL the drugs, you hear me? I am not going to sit there WATCHING as you root around in my chest cavity. THAT IS NOT OK. What are the benefits to this, besides being able to tell the story afterwards? I know anesthesia is dangerous, but isn't open-heart surgery already dangerous? And wouldn't it be somewhat distracting for the surgeon as his patient SCREAMS through the entire procedure?

I don't know what this has to do with zombies, except that after this sort of thing I'd run towards the nearest living thing and kill it (identify the quote, get a prize!)

Click here for a picture, and INSTRUCTIONS (do not try this at home. Seriously. No one wants to hang out with the people who try this stuff at home).

Food!Win
* Reader (and blogger, and Deviant Artist) Chey posted this picture in the comments, but it's so amazing that I feel it deserves further attention. She labeled it, 'the wedding cake of Tallahassee and LV':

The reception is going to be OFF THE HOOK.

Comics
* PEOPLE: DO NOT SEX THE ZOMBIES:

[Found at NatalieDee]
SERIOUSLY. And is she putting her tongue in, or pulling it out? Or is that a piece of meat? ZOMBIE SEX IS BAD TOUCH.

Daily Hot Guy





[Woody Harrelson as Tallahassee, the Greatest Zombie Hunter Ever, from Zombieland. I bought the same hat for my Halloween costume. Tragically, a Tallahassee does not come with your purchase.]

Music

Note: Singing to a zombie does NOTHING.

Zombies
* if you want ANY hope of surviving the Zombie Apocalypse, this is the site to look into.

Art
* DANCESWITHELVIS MADED ME A ZOMBIE OMFGWTFBBQ:

BRAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIINNNNNSSSSS by ~DanceswithElvis on deviantART
Why yes, she is made entirely of win. I already knew that.

You know, I didn't get paid to advertise this movie. NOT ONE DAMN PENNY. But you know what this movie paid me in? KNOWLEDGE, PEOPLE.

- LV

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That's What Keeps Me Alive, Perversion & Star Quality.

Blog
* Perversion is a powerful life-giving force. Title is from Russell Brand, who I still love despite his terrible taste in women. YEAH I WENT THERE.

Ad!Win
* SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING OMG RUN:

This logo has a smile that represents happy customers. The smile is also an arrow pointing from A to Z, suggesting they have everything from A to Z.

I don't think Amazon needs any subliminal messaging. I think the fact that they sell everything I want in the universe is sort of enough. There are more ways the ads are manipulating you here.

House!Win
* I'm trying to get more organized. Here we will include products that make home life more fun and exciting for everyone, or at least look nifty as hell. Like this steamer, which allows you to steam eggs and veg without boiling hot water cooking your tender skin:

[Found at Incredible Things]
Or you could fill it with jello and WHIP it at the head of someone who is annoying you. Just a thought.

Social Networking
* This category will be about the wins and fails that afflict all of us who use these wonderful, confounding sites.

[Found at Hey Kobe]
OK.... maybe not EVERYONE. Reason number 1 you should NEVER allow your parents on Facebook.

Art
* Now, THIS is art I can understand:

My Painting Has Crashed from James Théophane Jnr on Vimeo.

[Found at Neatorama]
I want this guy to design all my art. From now on.

Food!Fail
* Apparently I enjoy ruining the good times of others, particularly if they occur at fast food restaurants. In a nutshell, Fast-Food Soda fountains may have POO in them:

A scary 48 percent of machine beverages tested contained coliform bacteria – which can originate in fecal matter....

"Coliform bacteria was detected in 48 percent of the beverages," the team's abstract states. "More than 11 percent of the beverages analyzed contained Escherichia coli [E. coli]."

Most of the bacteria identified were resistant to antibiotics.

You can read the whole article here, and vow never to EVER get a soda at the soda fountain as LONG AS YOU LIVE. See, I knew there was a reason I didn't trust those things.

Daily Hot Guy

[Clive Owen, who I loved in Sin City, because he was DEMENTED, and shot people, and had a very intriguing conversation with a corpse, and uttered the classic line, 'I'm Shelly's new boyfriend, and I'm out of my mind.' AND dunked Benicio Del Toro in a toilet. Man, I need to watch that movie again.]

Epic!Win
* I know it's cruel to laugh at the fear of children, but watch the kid in the white pajamas at around the 1:15 mark, and I challenge you not to snicker:

Besides, everyone was fine, and they lived happily ever after. Of sorts.

Technology
* WE DO INDEED LIVE IN THE CRAZY FUTURE YEAR 2010. LOOKY, LOOKY, A FLOATING LAMP:

[Found at DVICE]
New life goal: Replace every light in my house with FLOATING LIGHTS THAT YOU PUMP TO INCREASE OR DECREASE THE AMOUNT OF LIGHT YOU WANT.

The future is here, and it is AWESOME.

Doctor Who
* My friend Janna, who sekritly runs all your comics, sent me this on my birthday:

He's 906. So any other birthday is sort of like, 'Oh, you're another year older? That's ADORABLE.'

OK, it's Saturday, which means I have a lot of sleeping to do.
- LV

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JEN? Is Roy Off The Phone Yet? The Spider Is Now Upon My Person.

Blog
* I cannot emphasize how much I love Maurice Moss. Title is from The IT Crowd.

* I have a Tumblr now, although I'm honestly not quite sure what the hell I'm meant to do with it. But I HAVE one, and if you're curious, check it out, and add me.

Music
* The following speakers cost $263,000.00:

[Found at DVICE]
I want you to stop and think about this. The speakers cost $263,000. MUSIC SPEAKERS. As in, if you're buying these things, it seems reasonable to spend over $260,000 on SPEAKERS. TO LISTEN TO MUSIC. WHICH MEANS YOU HAVE MONEY LEFT OVER. WHO IS BUYING THESE, AND WHY ARE THEY NOT MY FRIEND WHO LIKES TO LOAN ME MONEY?

Also, and this is entirely my own prejudice, I highly doubt anyone buying these speakers has good music taste. They're probably listening to Milli Vanili. I NEED TO BELIEVE THIS AS I LISTEN TO EXCELLENT MUSIC ON MY SAD, $30.00 speakers that I had to CHARGE OH GOD WHY IS LIFE SO UNFAIR?

Fandom
* OH, COME ON:

[Found at Regretsy]
This is creepy. Imposing your face into a picture of your fandom? That is the sort of thing that lands you on a list. A Bad List. You want to Photoshop things like that, FINE, but don't pay other people to do it for you. Hell, I'll PhotoShop it for you, for free, just so you don't spend your money on things like this.
Although 'GWASH' is sort of a great word.

Whut?
* It's the last day of the break, and honestly I have no IDEA what the internet is trying to do to me, because WHEN DID WE INVENT CAT FOOD SCENTED SOAP?

[Found at Nerd Approved]
Do you use it to attract the cats? Or to smell like cats when you're away from home. CAT FOOD SMELLS LIKE SICK. Cats don't even like how it smells, they are simply drawn to it like the CRACK it is.

Star Trek
* .....OR IS IT?!

see more Epic Fails

Art
* TeeVee!Art!

[Found at PopCulture Cooking]
MIAMI VICE ART:

MORE TEEVEE ART.

Comics
* Marvel SmartAss mocks because he loves. The following panel manages to include both:

[Found at Marvel SmartAss]
He explains what he loves by DERISION. I just mock. It's a rare and wonderful skill. Plus, he adores Stan Lee FOR the corniness, rather than trying to get around it. I respect that. Stan Lee's corny writing is one of his most endearing qualities. Plus, Iron Man.

Daily Hot Guy
[Note: Either later today or tomorrow there is going to be a David Tennant pic!spam, because I am preparing myself to watch The End of Time today, and I am fully prepared for it to wreck me. Ergo, Pictures of David Tennant will comfort me in my darkest hour. My darkest TV hour. Shut up STOP JUDGING ME.]

[Fran Kranz, AKA Topher from Dollhouse, and WHY is this picture so sensual to me? Like, I find it very sexy. Is it the couch? Is it him ON the couch? Do I have a couch problem that needs further investigation? I don't need this. It's Sunday, and I'm tired, and I have work to do, so someone send over Topher. With that couch. We're going to watch Doctor Who.]

Food!Win
* Candy sushi! Candy sushi!

[Found at Incredible Things]

Just replace the rice with rice krispie treats, the seaweed with fruit roll-ups, spicy tuna with twizzlers and avocado with gummy worms.

I'd serve it for dessert after a meal of real sushi. JUST TO SCREW WITH PEOPLE'S MINDS. Is it sweet? Is it spicy? WHO KNOWS? I do. I do.

Words of Win
* Sometimes, people are awesome:

In an impressive bid to make the police's work easier, a burglar in the U.S. managed to accidentally take a picture of himself with his victim's mobile phone while robbing their house.

Crafts
* The following is NSFW, but so hilarious and WTF that I am posting a picture REGARDLESS, so maybe hide this from your boss if you're at work, unless your boss is into this sort of thing:

[Found at Regretsy]
And now click here to see the full picture, and the NEKKID people, and Martha Stewart (but clothed).

Books
* I love weird books. This is a whole website of weird books, titled, appropriately, BookFail. I want these books. But not this one:

[Found at BookFail]
The girl on the cover terrifies me.

Doctor Who
* RUN, DAVID TENNANT!

RUN FROM RUSSELL T. DAVIES AND HIS DESTRUCTION OF ALL GOOD THINGS.

If you need me, I'll be ingesting huge amounts of caffeine to psychologically prepare myself for The End Of Time.
- LV

PS Followed by alcohol.

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You Better Go Find Your Boyfriend. Before He Bites My Cat Or Something.

Blog
Kinky! And I think illegal, at least in a few states. Title is from Six Feet Under.

* Happy New Year! I hope that 2010 finds you with rocket lasers, and robot sex slaves, and flying rocket boots of sex. Or whatever.

* I KNEW I forgot someone awesome yesterday, and I am bereft, and hang my head in shame. To make up for my hideous oversight, please go read Marvel Smart Ass, who is brilliant and snarky and a gentleman and a scholar.

Food!Win
* Let's start 2010 off with a deep-fried caloric ORGY, shall we?

[Found at This Is Why You're Fat]
Hot apple-bacon turnovers with icing? YES, please. Although rumor has it that bologna is the new bacon, and that soon bacon will be our PARENT'S meat product, man.

I love bologna sandwiches. Bologna with American cheese, lettuce, tomato, on rye bread. Get me one.

Girly!Want
* In 2010, I would like this jacket:

[Found at Haute Macabre]
Only the chances of me wearing it in a field of wheat sans pants is rather unlikely. That's not really how I roll.

Whut?
* My hatred of raisins is well-known in my social circle. I hate them. I despise them. They are the fruit of SATAN. But even if I loved raisins in all their shriveled glory, I still think I'd be scared of the Sun-Maid Girl:

This may be scarier than The Ring. This is the face you see before you die. AND YOU THOUGHT RAISINS WEREN'T EVIL. BAH.

Fandom
* I can't decide if this is awesome or terrible, and finally I decided it was awesome, because My Little Pony plus Star Wars equals the best babysitting time ever:

[Found at Unique Daily]

Star Trek
* In 2010, the Oscars will be ruled by GEEKS, HAHHA! And Star Trek will win every Oscar ever, and Chris Pine will celebrate by taking off his clothes, and.... what are we talking about? Who are you people, again?

Art
* I love this Venn Diagram of Art and Science, because it is TRUE and WISE, and also the accompanying article is true, wise, and funny.

[Found at Ariana Osborne]
The best art has elements of science, and the best science has hints of art in it. THEY ARE THE SAME. Except I'm not afraid of art.

Daily Hot Guy

[John Krasinski. In a suit. Happy New Year, indeed. Requested by Kristamaru, zombie fighter and general badass.]

WTF, INTERNET?
* Now you too can grow herbs out of the President's skull:

[Found at Amazon]
Really, this just... I do not get it. Why would I want to grow plants out of a President's head? I've never gotten the who Chia Pet thing with humans. I mean, am I weird? Is it abnormal to have no desire to plant things in the head of the Chief of Staff? Should I seek counseling?

The thing that really gets me, however, is the two faces of Obama. You can either have a Happy Plant President, or a Determined Plant President. THEY HAVE DIFFERENT EXPRESSIONS.

I like to imagine Happy Plant President has just experienced a refreshing summer rain, while Determined Plant President is staring down a lawnmower.

Last question: Was there a George W. Bush Chia Pet? Because his last name makes for some hilarious marketing possibilities. Just saying.

Music
* I listen to the music Warren Ellis tells me to listen to, because he is somewhat scary and has no problem beating people with chair legs of truth, and I am small and do not want to be beaten with furniture. And Surf Solar is quite good, actually.

I am saying this of my own free will.

Comics
* Remember when Jhonen Vasquez was awesome, and had made Squee! And Johnny the Homicidal Maniac and Filler Bunny and Invader Zim, and we all loved him and his weird?

Then he sort of went bad-insane, and made Jellyfist, and went away because he was being hunted by the assassins from Nickelodeon for making the Invader Zim comic finale entirely about space piggies?

Well, he's back (from outer space?) and working on Strange Tales, and hopefully this will be more JTHM and less Jellyfist, because I HAVE READ IT MULTIPLE TIMES AND HAVE NO FREAKING CLUE WHAT IT'S ABOUT. I HATE IT.

Oh, and I miss Wobbly-Headed Bob.

Words Of Win
* This is from July 2009, but it still made me snerk with laughter when I found it in the FEAR AND LOATHING archives, so I'm sharing it:

A Royal Air Force parade was recently cancelled in Lincolnshire, England when a possible bomb was found in a telephone booth. The bomb turned out to be an air freshener

It's nice to know other countries screw up, too.

Politics
* Let me make this as simple and inoffensive as I can:
- Conservatives: If you want to convert liberals, fine, but please do not mention 'Convert-A-Liberal Day,' as it immediately invalidates ALL your arguments.
- Liberals: If a conservative wants to convert you, politely listen to their arguments, as they may have some good points. And if they mention 'Convert-A-Liberal Day,' you have the legal right to laugh and mention Tea-Bagging.
Fair? I think so.

Epic!Fail
* I'm going to let this article speak for itself, because honestly, TASING CHILDREN IS ONLY FUNNY IF YOU ARE NOT A POLICE OFFICER:

An Arkansas cop tasered an unruly 10-year-old girl after her mother called police to report that the child was crying, screaming, and refusing to go to bed.

The mother and the cop fail. FAIL JAIL. THEY BELONG THERE.

Books
* I love Lovecraft, and this year I intend to knit a small Cthulu. Click here to look at John Coulthart's Lovecraftian illustrations. They are wonderful and terrifying.

It's 2010. Do you know where YOUR children are?

And I want to sue The Jetsons for lying to me. I do not have Rosie the Robot to clean up after me. THAT IS UNFAIR.

Oh, and for those of you paying attention, I've joined NaBloPoMo, which means I'm going to blog every day without fail, NO MATTER WHAT. Except zombie apocalypse (although can you IMAGINE the entry?) Join the site to keep track, send out links, whatever. SUPPORT FEAR AND LOATHING IN 2010.

Or darkness descends. Honest!
- LV

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Someone's Ear Is In Danger Of Having Hair Brushed Over It.

Blog
* Never has a tender endearment sounded so creepy. Title is from Zombieland.

* I am back, and I will be blogging again regularly. So rejoice, peons.

* Dan Faust, phantasmagorical man that he is, lists his top ten books of the year. I need to read them all, right now, because his list includes demons, super-powered teens, and motherfucking DEMIGODS.

Food!Win
* I am going to make these for Danceswithelvis, because A) she deserves them because she is epic win, and B) I want to make cupcakes with POLAR BEARS on them:

[Found at Bakerella]
Plus they've got soda in them, and you know how I feel about soda (hint: PURE LOVE).

Girly!Shit
* Reader Kuhlchikk sent me this link, which almost made me glad I bite my nails, because at least they are not DEFORMED:

Bubble nails? REALLY? Puffy nails? I forbid the existence of these things. They will NOT become popular in 2010. DO YOU HEAR ME?

Whut?
* This is a pencil. Plated with pure gold:

[Found at LikeCool]
WHY DOES THIS EXIST? WHO WOULD DO THIS? IS IT ART? IS IT A COMMENTARY ON OUR SOCIETY? OR IS IT JUST A STUPID, STUPID WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY? WHY DOES THE UNIVERSE ALLOW THIS THING INTO BEING? More to the point, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH STUFF I COULD BUY WITH THAT FREAKING PENCIL? I need more coffee.

Fandom
* Look, I am really trying to be nice to the Twilight people. It's a New Years' resolution, yeah? I am going to be mature, and make fun of them WITH the rest of the fandom universe. I'm growing as a human being.

But then I see shit like this, and how can I NOT comment?

[Found at Etsy]
A life-sized Edward Cullen sticker is watching you sleep. How is this not creepy? There is no one I want watching me sleep, especially by BREAKING INTO MY ROOM WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE AND THEN DICTATING HOW I LIVE MY LIFE BECAUSE AS A WOMAN I CAN'T MAKE DECISIONS FOR MYSELF, OR BUCKLE MY OWN SEATBELT.

Sorry, sorry. I'll go work on my New Years' Resolution, you go burn this giant scary sticker, OK?

Stark Trek
* Star Trek plus Pulp's "Common People" plus cartoony goodness plus Monday without work equals:

Well, the work bit may only apply to me, but still, STAR TREK AND PULP.

Art
* I went to this:

You be hating, yes? I got to see the reindeer topiary from Edward Scissorhands, and Pierce Brosnan's head from Mars Attacks! And the knives from Sweeney Todd, and the costume from Edward Scissorhands, and the scarecrow from Sleepy Hollow and the models from A Nightmare Before Christmas, AND THE ANGORA SWEATER FROM ED WOOD, WHICH SHOULD HAVE WON ALL THE OSCARS EVER.

I'm OK now.

Daily Hot Guy

[And now I am REALLY OK. John Barrowman, AKA Captain Jack Harkness from Doctor Who and Torchwood. Even though I am VERY ANGRY with Captain Jack due to the third season of Torchwood, but he is still a very, very sexy man. Can't deny that.]

WTF, INTERNET?
* Dude, did you hear? You can get your ashes put in a sculpture of a person's head. No, listen: You could get your ashes put in your OWN HEAD, or your ex-husband's head (that would freak him out), or your kids' head (teach the little shit to forget your birthday), or the PRESIDENT'S HEAD:

[Found at Wonkette]
I want to have my ashes put in the head of John Adams. Or William Shatner. I don't need to explain myself to you.

Music
* This song won't stop playing in my head, and I have no problem with that AT ALL:

This is a badass song, and I CHALLENGE you to argue that.

Comics
* I found this through Warren Ellis, but it's drawn by Eliza Gauger, who is my new hero:

[Found at Warren Ellis]
If I was Batman, I'd do that too, all the time.

Words Of Win

see more Epic Fails

Life Lessons
* King Oblivion, Phd. of the International Society of Supervillians teaches us about life, sex in bathrooms, and other important lessons he gleamed from Grand Theft Auto IV: The Ballad of Gay Tony:

Cage fights are pretty fun until the guy with the knife shows up.
That guy's a dick.

Not if you manage to sneak in a flame thrower.

Politics
* WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE UNIVERSE? REALLY? I CAN'T EVEN... WHAT?!

[Found at Wild Ammo]
THERE IS ONE WHERE THE UNICORN IS POURING SUNTAN LOTION ONTO OBAMA'S BACK. I AM NOT KIDDING, LOOK:

WHAT IS GOING ON? WHY IS AMERICA THE UNICORN MASSAGING LOTION INTO THE PRESIDENT?

Epic!Fail
* So when depressed teenagers are jumping on front of trains, the OBVIOUS SOLUTION is to stand around the train tracks and make sure they don't jump, rather then, you know, having a conversation with the kids, or trying to find out WHY the kids are so depressed:

There are no shrines erected here, no memorials to the four dead teenagers. No one wants to romanticize what happened. In fact, no one even uses the "S" word, instead referring to "the incidents," or "the misuse of the tracks." The volunteers fear saying anything that could encourage another copycat.

WHAT THE FUCK. These kids committed suicided. This should not be a taboo word. They committed suicide. The word does NOT make people go, 'Gee, I totally want to do that!.'

These kids are suicides. They are not 'incidents,' or 'misuses of the tracks.' How dare you undermine what these kids were suffering, and how desperate and hopeless they must have felt to do such a thing. HOW DARE YOU. And calling it an 'incident' won't stop other depressed, desperate kids from doing this.

These kids were depressed and scared and in so much pain that jumping front of a TRAIN seemed a better alternative to living. You could call it 'happy fun time.' It doesn't matter. Fuck your little watch crew. The next depressed teen won't jump in front of a train. They'll find another way, if they're that determined.

Maybe just talk to these kids? Get them counseling? Find out WHY they feel so hopeless, and solve the problem? No. No, standing out in the cold on the train tracks is a much better solution to having a conversation with your kid. Because that might mean admitting you failed on some level, or need to make an effort and change your parenting, and GOD FORBID you might have to do that.

I just don't understand the logic here. If a kid overdoses on a prescription, or cuts their wrists, are they going to follow teenagers into the bathroom? Because that could get all SORTS of awkward.

Books
* I had some more coffee and have calmed down. I would like this chair:

[Found at Incredible Things]
It can hold 300 books! That's like, 1/3 of my collection, maybe!

Doctor Who
* I have not seen the "End Of Times" Doctor Who episode, SO DO NOT SPOIL IT, but Bossmew sent me this, and it in no way surprises me:

GOD DAMN YOU, RUSSELL T. DAVIES. WHY MUST YOU KILL MY HAPPY? STOP TRYING TO BE JOSS WHEDON. JOSS WHEDON HAS ENOUGH TROUBLE WITH THAT.

People I Love
* Once upon a time, a dude was selling hot dogs in New Orleans (much like A Confederacy of Dunces, which is one of my favorite books ever, and HAVE YOU READ IT?). Some other dude tried to rob him, with a knife. Well, Hot Dog Dude used to be a Marine, and he FUCKING PWNS that sorry-ass robber, WHILE WEARING the hot dog-seller uniform. Look at this BAMF:

[Found at Nola]
He is my hero. Let's all buy a hot dog from him, and discuss A Confederacy of Dunces.

You know, if you all go follow my blog on Twitter, I may have a New Years' surprise for you all. Or I may be lying. But if you don't follow me, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW, and it will haunt you all your days, the end.
- LV

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You're Wet. Allow Me To Dry You Off - WITH MY PANTS!

Blog
* Say what you will, I freaking miss this show. Title is from Clone High.

* SilentWK draws pictures that I try to climb into:

That Inglorious Basterd by =SilentKW on deviantART
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS COMES OUT TOMORROW. Sorry, off topic. SilentWK has drawings of Zachary Quinto and the Joker that make me giggle with awe. Giggle because they are so gorgeous, and awe because, well:

Mr. Irons - Finale by =SilentKW on deviantART
JEREMY IRONS FTW. I was listening to his reading of Lolita last night on the train. It was weird and I enjoyed it.

Daily Buy
* I joke often about being a ninja, mostly because I am not in any way, shape, or form. But I still think I deserve this:

[Found at Think Geek]
And it's only $30.00, and it's a NINJA UMBRELLA OF EPIC JUSTICE. I just want it. If you can't understand why, I pity you.

Holiday!Fail
* TWO SHOTS TO THE HEAD TWO SHOTS TO THE HEAD:

[Found at Santa, NO!]

Fandom
* It's Monday. This is a little bit beyond my skills:

[Found at Boing Boing]
I really don't know anymore, guys. Why is the Stormtrooper also a ballerina? Who thinks of combining these things? Star Wars: The Ballet? These are questions I do not want to answer.

Jersey!Fail
* Have you watched Jersey Shore?

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

THOSE PEOPLE DO NOT REPRESENT ME. I AM NOT AFFILIATED WITH THEM.

Really, can't you guys just leave us alone? Go make fun of Maine for a while. THEY HAVE LOBSTERS.

Star Trek
* This is weird and funny and Star Trek.

This is what they're really saying, you know. Ignore the 'dialogue' from the 'episode' and trust Paraguay.

Daily Hot Guy

[Nathan 'The Hammer Is My Penis' Fillion. Future husband of one of my dearest friends. TRUFAX.]

Inglourious Basterds
* WHAT IS GOING ON TODAY ON THE INTERWBEZ?

Really, Quentin? This is not the way to reward my devotion.

Art
* I went to the Tim Burton exhibit at the MOMA yesterday (and if you get a chance, you should go - it was INCREDIBLE), so I know a thing or two about art:

[Found at DVICE]
This is not art. This just makes me cry and have to go sit in a quiet room.


Words Of Win
* This is both funny AND depressing, much like Monday itself:

see more Epic Fails

OK, I have to go do things with stuff.
- LV

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Here Lies Edmund Blackadder, & He's Bloody Annoyed!

Blog
* But Baldrick has a cunning plan! Title is, predictably, from Blackadder.

* Behold, the sickening talent of Michelle:

Angel of Death Number 2 by ~DanceswithElvis on deviantART
She also does unbelievable fanart for Watchmen, which is my personal favorite category (what? I love me some Rorschach)

Shhhhh.... by ~DanceswithElvis on deviantART
See, if I was this talented I would only draw for myself, and never share my work with anyone. But Michelle does, because she's a much better person than me. AND she's accepting commissions, and if I had money I would totally ask for some insane, epic fanart that would shame her as she drew it, and she'd never tell anyone about it because it would be so nuts, the end.
So, in conclusion, order some work for her, and make the world a little more artistic.

Daily Buy
* I think Patience showed me this, but I feel like this has always been a part of me, I WANT ONE SO BADLY:

[Found at Squishable]
SHARKY SHARKY SHARKY. DO WANT. PLEASE BUY THIS FOR ME. It is huge and huggable and snuggly. I'm just sad they don't have goats. I want a goat. ANYWAY, these will delight the children in your lives, or the totally bad-ass adults who enjoy snuggling ginormous balls of LOVE.

Holiday!Fail
* I try not to comment on other countries, because that would be rude and presumptuous, and anyway I have my hands full commenting on my own country (mostly bits stolen shamelessly from The Daily Show, but I digress), but really, Austria, we need to talk:

An Austrian group has called for a ban on Father Christmas amid fears that the foreign invader is usurping the role of the traditional Christkind sprite.

So now we're banning Santa Claus. Because he's a foreign invader.
Look, Santa Claus is one of the most innocuous figures in the world. He brings presents and his stomach shakes like a bowl full of jelly. I'm decidedly unaffiliated with any religion, and I like Santa. Dude brings you presents. That's awesome.
Also, their solution to have a little blonde baby bring the presents instead
A) Doesn't help their argument against Santa's commercialism, and
B) Offers up the terrifying vision of a tiny baby dragging itself and several large presents across the floor of your jome in the dead of night,

Crafts
* So, I think we can all agree that Mystery Science Theater 3000 is the greatest TV show ever that makes fun of bad movies.

Now imagine your WHOLE LIFE as narrated by Crow T. Robot, Tom Serve, and Joel (WHAT? Joel was my favorite. No offense, Mike, I love you as well, but Joel was the original, OK?).

BEHOLD:

[Found at Gizmodo]
ZOMG. And you make them, and maybe I will make them for someone as a holiday present, then keep it for myself, because the world would be a better place with more MST3K.

Russell Brand
* On one hand, I don't care who Russell Brand dates, because I don't know him, it doesn't alter my life on ANY level, and caring would be sort of insane.

On the other hand, I really dislike Katy Perry and her twee-ness, and his APPROVAL of said twee makes me sad, because his autobiography was extremely wonderful, and I think he's fantastic. Plus there hasn't been much going on in the world of Mr. Brand that doesn't involve Ms. Twee, and this isn't a damn gossip site, so I'm not going to be going, 'THIS JUST IN. RUSSELL BRAND AND KATY PERRY WENT TO THE GROCERY STORE AND BOUGHT ARTICHOKES, MORE AT ELEVEN.'

But this picture needs to be shared:


This is the caption:

I must make this writing sexy. If taken from the front you’d see the unusual appendage I use for typing.

Russell Brand, minus a shirt, plus a computer. FEAR AND LOATHING missed you, Mr. Brand. And I still think that if you date Lady Gaga, the age of Aquarius will be upon us.

Iron Man
* I know you've seen this poster, but you need to see it again, because Iron Man is epic win:

[Found at io9]
And this poster focuses on what MATTERS in Iron Man: Robert Downey, Jr. in ARMOR. TEAM RDJ.

Daily Hot Guy

[Chris O'Dowd, AKA Roy from The IT Crowd, who is IRISH, as if he needs any more help being sexy as hell. There needs to be more IT Crowd. Even though I prefer Moss. Megan can have Roy, I'll have Moss, and all will be well in the world.
]

Inglourious Basterds
* Do not question Quentin Tarantino. He works in mysterious ways. If he says the next volume of Kill Bill will not be for a while, then we, his loyal fans, must respect his wisdom. Oh, and it's not going to be called Kill Bill. Which makes sense.

Art
* Expressionist painting of Donkey Kong?

[Found at Neatorama]
Sure. Why not? It's Saturday.

Tattoo Of Win
* I can't decide if I'm being sarcastic or not, because, DUDE, it's Chop Top:

[Found at LOLTATZ]
But he sort of looks like John Leguizamo. That's freaking me out.

Food!Win
* This is indeed a technicolor nightmare:

[Found at This Is Why You're Fat]
But imagine you are
A) Reeling from a horrific breakup
B) Drunk
C) Have five minutes left to live
D) Have ingested chemicals of questionable legality
E) Some hideous combination of the above,
then this meal of an Orange soda strawberry ice cream float topped with Skittles is probably the most delicious thing ever.

I'd like one. Right now. And I have none of the above excuses. It just looks pretty and sugary.

Girly!Shit
* This looks like the shoe of a dominatrix elf of doom:

[Found at Shoe Lust]

OK, busy busy busy.
- LV

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