Blog
* There's no safe way to answer that, Nelson. Why don't you just 'Ha-Ha' and we'll move on? Title is from The Simpsons.
* Ahoy, mateys! Today be International Talk Like A Pirate Day! And no, I'm not going to do my whole blog that way, because it would quickly cease to be charming, and also I don't think real pirates blog. Or if they do, they don't get super excited about Joss Whedon and Quentin Tarantino, which is just sad, really.
Here are Pirate Pick-Up Lines for the wench/scallywag in your life:
I will be using all of these tonight. And drinking rum. I think the pirates will be proud. Check out the official website for even more How Tos for your Pirate Day.
* Fish love!
[Drawn by Erin]
Yeah, fish and teenagers who secretly get married and then kill themselves because they can't be with someone they met YESTERDAY are pretty much the same, intellectually. Juliet!Fish's expression keeps making me laugh.
* I need to stop reading Megan's blog, because not only is it funny and smart and awesome, I always end up intensely wanting things I cannot have. So now I want cake and Tim Roth. Or Tim Roth could bring me a cake. That would be DELIGHTFUL.
Harry Potter
* OK, I would go to the Harry Potter theme park. I'll wait for you to stop laughing. But your laughter is bullshit, you know that? Because you'd go too. You would. You'd claim it was just to make fun of the park, and mock the people, but you know what? Secretly, you're as excited as I am. You want to get smashed at the Three Broomsticks and buy a wand at Ollivander's and hang out at the Owlery. You know it. Don't lie to yourself. It cheapens us all.
Star Trek
* I couldn't read this article, because it has spoilers, and I do not want spoilers for Star Trek 2, but from the title I can determine that Kirk will land himself in a futuristic Guantanamo Bay, and Spock and Bones will have to save him, and Spock will face prejudice because he's so damn sexy and not human, and I'll love it anyway, because DUDE, STAR TREK.
Art
* Artist Michael Murphy painted a picture of Glenn Beck out of pigment and bull crap. No, really. No, I'm not kidding. And no, I don't want to know HOW he acquired all that poop. Although I'd like to hear what Glenn Beck has to say on the matter.
[Found at Jezebel]
To be honest, I don't think this is that original or timely. After the painting of Jesus made from cow feces, I think the scandal of poop has worn off. And for what it's worth, I don't think Glenn Beck really warrants being painted in poop. I mean... really? He's the most evil, false guy you can think of? Does Mr. Murphy even WATCH television? It seems like a cop-out. It's an easy attack. What abut Dick Cheney? NOBODY likes Dick Cheney.
And I don't really like Glenn Beck, as I've said. I don't agree with his politics, and I think he yells a lot, which scares me. And I will make fun of him, as I make fun of everyone, especially people who I dislike. But this? It's stupid. And it doesn't really help a dialogue. It just makes some people laugh, and some people get all angry. Which we don't need. Everyone's already pissed off without people making pictures of radio hosts out of excrement.
That all aside, I think it's a well-done picture. I just don't think it smells nice.
Daily Hot Guy
[David Beckham is a pirate. Of my LOINS. It doesn't HAVE to make sense. Just look at him. Your argument is invalid.]
Watchmen
* Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Jackie Earle Haley, being AWESOME, per usual:
* Watchmen 2: Watchmen On Water:
[Made by Luna-WolfDemon]
In which Ozy merges with a shark and rapes the shit out of the surviving Watchmen. Pirate!Zombie!schach rises from the dead to defeat him.
It's going to be sweet, seriously.
Comics
* I don't think I could be in the International Society of Supervillains. I don't have the chops. I'm more shitty and snarky than fabulously evil, and I tend to get all 'Daw' over small fluffy animals, which I'm pretty sure is a deal-breaker in their books. Plus, they applaud the Joker for twisting his own neck until it SNAPS, in what is undoubtedly one of the most fucking terrifying scenes ever put to comic page:
[Found at ISS]
I write a blog about movies and TV and comics. How can a girl compete with THAT?!
Tattoo Of Win
* The shark has zits:
[Found at LOLTATZ]
Poor Sharky.
Words Of Win
* Yeah, see, my staring contests don't end this way:
Although they totally could. Staring contests are fucking EXTREME, dude. I mean, MAN... WORD.... yeah, etc.
Some people's lives are very different from mine.
Russell Brand
* Russell Brand: Capable of making even Jimmy Fallon funny.
I know, I'm scared and aroused as well.
Politics
* Oh, Blago, I missed you so while you were away. I had to contend with Joe Wilson being awful, and Mark Sandford crying like a prison bitch, and Bill Clinton... being Bill Clinton, only more annoyed, and it just wasn't as fun without your thick mane of corruption to warm me on these cold, humorless nights:
Promise me you'll never leave me again, Blago? Promise?
* Did you know that there are rules for insulting the President? I did not. This is more for people in Congress, to keep them from screaming out like drunk kids at a pep rally, but I suppose they apply to everyone. And for the record: NEVER OK to scream at a President during their speech. Not Obama, not Bush, not Clinton, not Carter... OK, Nixon I probably would have allowed, but grudgingly, because he WAS President, even if he was a crazy evil ball of evil crazy.
* Levi Johnston is going to be naked, for monies, and soon. I don't think there's anything I can add to this story. At all.
* Here's a wonderful article by my friend Kevin about Russia turning its sights from West to East, and what that means for the rest of the world. Kevin runs a website about Baltic relations, and I read it whenever I want to sound like I have the slightest idea of what the hell is going on.
Food
* I don't know why I'm fascinated with Spam. Probably because I have never eaten it, even though all my friends who HAVE assure me that it is both disgusting and unhealthy. But it intrigues me. I am curious. And this only adds fuel to the fire:
[Found at ThisIsWhyYoureFat]
It's deep-fried Spam. ON A STICK. Why do I want to eat this? What does this say about my psyche? Who here has eaten Spam? Or deep fried Spam? I should not be this excited about deep fried pig bits.
Celebrity!Fail
* Haha, everyone hates Megan Fox. And by everyone, I mean like five people, not counting 99.9% of men out there, which I DO NOT GET. But let's not start that, because I yell. Instead, let's focus on how much Michael Bay's crew hates her guts:
Damn. I mean.... There's more? Oh...
What the hell did you DO to these guys, Ms. Fox? I mean, they REALLY don't like you. It's sort of scaring me a little. Like, I find you annoying and all, but I don't have this level of animosity. In fact... DAMMIT, now I don't even dislike you. I nothing you. This whole thing backfired. FINE, Ms. Fox, you can EXIST. HAPPY?! But stay away from a list of celebrities I will be faxing you. Or else it's back on.
It's a lovely, cold day, and it smells like Fall. I have to clean out my rat cage. I predict at least one escape attempt. Then I have a wedding to attend. i hope I don't embarrass myself in front of certain attractive young men, who already KNOW I can't dance, but may have forgotten how true that statement IS. I can't dance. Just reiterating that. You've been warned.
- LV
* There's no safe way to answer that, Nelson. Why don't you just 'Ha-Ha' and we'll move on? Title is from The Simpsons.
* Ahoy, mateys! Today be International Talk Like A Pirate Day! And no, I'm not going to do my whole blog that way, because it would quickly cease to be charming, and also I don't think real pirates blog. Or if they do, they don't get super excited about Joss Whedon and Quentin Tarantino, which is just sad, really.
Here are Pirate Pick-Up Lines for the wench/scallywag in your life:
Top Ten Pickup lines for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day
10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
8. Come on up and see me urchins.
7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if I fired me cannon through your porthole?
4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.
2. Well blow me down?
And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is …
1. Prepare to be boarded.
Bonus pickup lines (when the ones above don't work, as they often won't)
They don’t call me Long John because my head is so big.
You’re drinking a Salty Dog? How’d you like to try the real thing?
Wanna shiver me timbers?
I’ve sailed the seven seas, and you’re the sleekest schooner I’ve ever sighted.
Brwaack! Polly want a cracker? … Oh, wait. That’s for Talk Like a PARROT Day.
That’s the finest pirate booty I’ve ever laid eyes on.
Let's get together and haul some keel.
That’s some treasure chest you’ve got there.
Top Ten Pickup Lines for the Lady Pirates
By popular demand ...
10. What are YOU doing here?
9. Is that a belayin' pin in yer britches, or are ye ... (this one is never completed)
8. Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!
7. So, tell me, why do they call ye, "Cap'n Feathersword?"
6. That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!
5. Aye, I guarantee ye, I've had a twenty percent decrease in me "lice ratio!"
4. I've crushed seventeen men's skulls between me thighs!
3. C'mon, lad, shiver me timbers!
2. RAMMING SPEED!
...and the number one Female Pirate Pick-up Line:
1. You. Pants Off. Now!
I will be using all of these tonight. And drinking rum. I think the pirates will be proud. Check out the official website for even more How Tos for your Pirate Day.
* Fish love!
[Drawn by Erin]
Yeah, fish and teenagers who secretly get married and then kill themselves because they can't be with someone they met YESTERDAY are pretty much the same, intellectually. Juliet!Fish's expression keeps making me laugh.
* I need to stop reading Megan's blog, because not only is it funny and smart and awesome, I always end up intensely wanting things I cannot have. So now I want cake and Tim Roth. Or Tim Roth could bring me a cake. That would be DELIGHTFUL.
Harry Potter
* OK, I would go to the Harry Potter theme park. I'll wait for you to stop laughing. But your laughter is bullshit, you know that? Because you'd go too. You would. You'd claim it was just to make fun of the park, and mock the people, but you know what? Secretly, you're as excited as I am. You want to get smashed at the Three Broomsticks and buy a wand at Ollivander's and hang out at the Owlery. You know it. Don't lie to yourself. It cheapens us all.
Star Trek
* I couldn't read this article, because it has spoilers, and I do not want spoilers for Star Trek 2, but from the title I can determine that Kirk will land himself in a futuristic Guantanamo Bay, and Spock and Bones will have to save him, and Spock will face prejudice because he's so damn sexy and not human, and I'll love it anyway, because DUDE, STAR TREK.
Art
* Artist Michael Murphy painted a picture of Glenn Beck out of pigment and bull crap. No, really. No, I'm not kidding. And no, I don't want to know HOW he acquired all that poop. Although I'd like to hear what Glenn Beck has to say on the matter.
[Found at Jezebel]
To be honest, I don't think this is that original or timely. After the painting of Jesus made from cow feces, I think the scandal of poop has worn off. And for what it's worth, I don't think Glenn Beck really warrants being painted in poop. I mean... really? He's the most evil, false guy you can think of? Does Mr. Murphy even WATCH television? It seems like a cop-out. It's an easy attack. What abut Dick Cheney? NOBODY likes Dick Cheney.
And I don't really like Glenn Beck, as I've said. I don't agree with his politics, and I think he yells a lot, which scares me. And I will make fun of him, as I make fun of everyone, especially people who I dislike. But this? It's stupid. And it doesn't really help a dialogue. It just makes some people laugh, and some people get all angry. Which we don't need. Everyone's already pissed off without people making pictures of radio hosts out of excrement.
That all aside, I think it's a well-done picture. I just don't think it smells nice.
Daily Hot Guy
[David Beckham is a pirate. Of my LOINS. It doesn't HAVE to make sense. Just look at him. Your argument is invalid.]
Watchmen
* Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Jackie Earle Haley, being AWESOME, per usual:
* Watchmen 2: Watchmen On Water:
[Made by Luna-WolfDemon]
In which Ozy merges with a shark and rapes the shit out of the surviving Watchmen. Pirate!Zombie!schach rises from the dead to defeat him.
It's going to be sweet, seriously.
Comics
* I don't think I could be in the International Society of Supervillains. I don't have the chops. I'm more shitty and snarky than fabulously evil, and I tend to get all 'Daw' over small fluffy animals, which I'm pretty sure is a deal-breaker in their books. Plus, they applaud the Joker for twisting his own neck until it SNAPS, in what is undoubtedly one of the most fucking terrifying scenes ever put to comic page:
[Found at ISS]
I write a blog about movies and TV and comics. How can a girl compete with THAT?!
Tattoo Of Win
* The shark has zits:
[Found at LOLTATZ]
Poor Sharky.
Words Of Win
* Yeah, see, my staring contests don't end this way:
Man stabbed after staredown outside Bedford coffee shop
Although they totally could. Staring contests are fucking EXTREME, dude. I mean, MAN... WORD.... yeah, etc.
He described it as a staring match that turned violent.
Some people's lives are very different from mine.
Russell Brand
* Russell Brand: Capable of making even Jimmy Fallon funny.
I know, I'm scared and aroused as well.
Politics
* Oh, Blago, I missed you so while you were away. I had to contend with Joe Wilson being awful, and Mark Sandford crying like a prison bitch, and Bill Clinton... being Bill Clinton, only more annoyed, and it just wasn't as fun without your thick mane of corruption to warm me on these cold, humorless nights:
Promise me you'll never leave me again, Blago? Promise?
* Did you know that there are rules for insulting the President? I did not. This is more for people in Congress, to keep them from screaming out like drunk kids at a pep rally, but I suppose they apply to everyone. And for the record: NEVER OK to scream at a President during their speech. Not Obama, not Bush, not Clinton, not Carter... OK, Nixon I probably would have allowed, but grudgingly, because he WAS President, even if he was a crazy evil ball of evil crazy.
* Levi Johnston is going to be naked, for monies, and soon. I don't think there's anything I can add to this story. At all.
* Here's a wonderful article by my friend Kevin about Russia turning its sights from West to East, and what that means for the rest of the world. Kevin runs a website about Baltic relations, and I read it whenever I want to sound like I have the slightest idea of what the hell is going on.
Food
* I don't know why I'm fascinated with Spam. Probably because I have never eaten it, even though all my friends who HAVE assure me that it is both disgusting and unhealthy. But it intrigues me. I am curious. And this only adds fuel to the fire:
[Found at ThisIsWhyYoureFat]
It's deep-fried Spam. ON A STICK. Why do I want to eat this? What does this say about my psyche? Who here has eaten Spam? Or deep fried Spam? I should not be this excited about deep fried pig bits.
Celebrity!Fail
* Haha, everyone hates Megan Fox. And by everyone, I mean like five people, not counting 99.9% of men out there, which I DO NOT GET. But let's not start that, because I yell. Instead, let's focus on how much Michael Bay's crew hates her guts:
“And who is the real Megan Fox? Megan really is a thankless, classless, graceless, and shall we say unfriendly bitch. It’s sad how fame can twist people, and even sadder that young girls look up to her. If only they knew who they’re really looking up to. But ‘fame’ is fleeting… Hopefully Michael will have Megatron squish her character in the first ten minutes of Transformers 3. We can tell you that will make the crew happy!”
Damn. I mean.... There's more? Oh...
"She was the next Angelina Jolie, hooray! Wait a minute, two of us worked with Angelina - second thought - she’s no Angelina. You see, Angelia is a professional. We know this quite intimately because we’ve had the tedious experience of working with the dumb-as-a-rock Megan Fox on both Transformers movies.”
What the hell did you DO to these guys, Ms. Fox? I mean, they REALLY don't like you. It's sort of scaring me a little. Like, I find you annoying and all, but I don't have this level of animosity. In fact... DAMMIT, now I don't even dislike you. I nothing you. This whole thing backfired. FINE, Ms. Fox, you can EXIST. HAPPY?! But stay away from a list of celebrities I will be faxing you. Or else it's back on.
It's a lovely, cold day, and it smells like Fall. I have to clean out my rat cage. I predict at least one escape attempt. Then I have a wedding to attend. i hope I don't embarrass myself in front of certain attractive young men, who already KNOW I can't dance, but may have forgotten how true that statement IS. I can't dance. Just reiterating that. You've been warned.
- LV
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