I love how this photo makes it look like Beverly D’Angelo a) has two right hands, and b) has one which is both disproportionately large and clutching an empty martini. Of course, a little large-limbed wishful drinking might explain why D’Angelo showed up at this premiere looking like that crazy lady in the woods who uses roadkill to make coats. She’s more Beav than Bev.Saturday, January 8, 2011
Beverly D’Angelo has a Martini Hand
I love how this photo makes it look like Beverly D’Angelo a) has two right hands, and b) has one which is both disproportionately large and clutching an empty martini. Of course, a little large-limbed wishful drinking might explain why D’Angelo showed up at this premiere looking like that crazy lady in the woods who uses roadkill to make coats. She’s more Beav than Bev.
Louis Vuitton's Leg Heels
Yes, you’re not mistaken: The heel is modeled after a deer leg. They’re Louis Vuitton, hot off the Spring 2011 runway, but unfortunately I don’t find them graceful and sprightly (a la that professional frolicker Bambi) so much as wonkus and terribly uncomfortable-looking. It draws my attention, too, to the level of foot squish we’re seeing in this minimalist shoe, and then I start to wonder about blisters and chafing, and THAT is some sexy imagery, let me tell you. Apparently it’s actually a giraffe leg, which does at least explain why they don’t evoke Bambi for me, and also, makes me lament the lack of famous giraffes.
James Franco's Mustache to Host the Oscars.
Remember when you heard that James Franco and Anne Hathaway were going to be hosting this year’s Oscars? When I read that, I was kind of like, “really? Franco? REALLY?” I mean, I know he’s done almost LITERALLY everything else this year, so why not, but still. I am hoping he’d host it in character as Franco, the Artist Whose Canvas Is MURDER (his General Hospital character and yes that is his legal name):
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE WHATEVER ANNUAL ACADEMY AWARDS. Can’t you totally picture this dude half-stoned and leering his way through Best Short Subject and, like, playing absently with this droopy little ‘stache while Anne talks, and then accidentally referring to Martin Landau as Martian Manhoe or something, while everyone in the front row titters self-consciously? And then the next day all the postmortems will either read, “that was bizarre but weirdly charming,” or, “that was the worst freaking idea since the Snow White debacle,” and yet somehow Franco will just shrug it off and be like, “yeah, and wasn’t my mustache HILARIOUS? Gotta go — my canvas needs some murder paint.” Now that I’ve pictured the way the whole thing is going to play out — as a refresher, it goes: stoned, random, wrong, awkward, drunk, entertained, hungover — I’m kind of REALLY on board.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE WHATEVER ANNUAL ACADEMY AWARDS. Can’t you totally picture this dude half-stoned and leering his way through Best Short Subject and, like, playing absently with this droopy little ‘stache while Anne talks, and then accidentally referring to Martin Landau as Martian Manhoe or something, while everyone in the front row titters self-consciously? And then the next day all the postmortems will either read, “that was bizarre but weirdly charming,” or, “that was the worst freaking idea since the Snow White debacle,” and yet somehow Franco will just shrug it off and be like, “yeah, and wasn’t my mustache HILARIOUS? Gotta go — my canvas needs some murder paint.” Now that I’ve pictured the way the whole thing is going to play out — as a refresher, it goes: stoned, random, wrong, awkward, drunk, entertained, hungover — I’m kind of REALLY on board.
Selena Gomez, Stop Singing Because You Can't
Selena Gomez has everything here: a lousy singing voice painful to listen to, the bodice of Miss USA, and the pants of a former Miss USA who has been living out her days in a nursing home taking medication for delusions that she lives in a lamp. And just when you think geriatric genie pants are as bad as things could get, the universe teaches you not to deal in absolutisms.
They are geriatric genie pants with VENTILATION.
Milla Jovovich Knows You Want Her
I love Milla Jovovich’s facial expression here.It’s so fierce and Come Hither, all, “Do you want it? You do. Admit it. No, don’t. This game of cat-and-mouse is so much more erotic, don’t you think? Let us suck the marrow out of our unspoken desire.”
The thing is, I was totally expecting to be all, “NICE CAFTAN.” ButI am not super appalled by this. Milla Jovovich has her own fierce personal style, and it doesn’t look like she’s about to pull up a cauldron and brew up some eye-of-newt juice. It’s more like what I imagine Glinda the Good Witch wears now that she has taken up with the Scarecrow and retired to Palm Beach.
This Vogue Issue is Stupid
It comes to my attention that I totally forgot to renew my Vogue subscription and haven’t gotten it for three months and didn’t even notice until just now, which is a bad sign for Vogue. I can’t believe I missed the issue where they suggest thoughtful Christmas gifts, all of which are “price upon request.” I also can’t believe I didn’t get to read the article in this issue which will explain why I get fat. My theory is, “too much chocolate, not enough cardio,” but they swear it’s not what I think. Whatever it is, I hope it’s solved by MORE chocolate and even LESS cardio, although considering the source it’s probably more likely that they’ll advance the theory that weight gain is caused by my pesky solid food addiction. Anyhoodle, of COURSE Portman is on the cover.
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