Taylor Swift is a Barbie

"Thanks so much for giving me this award for Serious Grown-Up Mature Boring Achievement. Now that I'm 'dating' Jake Gyllenhaal, I realize that I need to appear older and more sedate than my chronological age implies or it seems sort of creepy -- or it would, if I were actually going out with him, which I am not, except for I wasn't supposed to tell you that. Aren't you glad it's him and not John Mayer, though? Although I actually WAS hooking up with John Mayer and Jake and I are just going on hay rides for OK! And, um, we're also in love. Yes, I forgot that part. Anyway. Yes, now I am an adult. A serious adult. A serious adult who dresses seriously and is dating Jake Gyllenhaal and has put aside childlike things:

"And put ON wigs and serious expressions and looks like a plastic barbie."

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Two Dudes with Do's

Cornel West and Al Raboteau pose, looking like two nutcases.

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Christina Ricci Wears a Dunce Cap

I adore you Christina, but your dress is sinking, thus taking the twins down with it and the dress makes me nauseous. And the red dunce cap. Be aware of where you pose for photos.

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OMG Amber Riley is So Cute

Dude, I just love this dress on Amber Riley. The color: Great. The fit: ditto. The proportions: pretty much perfect. The hair: super cute. Bravo.

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Drunk Hair

THOMAS JANE: No, it's just that my manager told me if I went barefoot at a red-carpet event one more time, she'd fire me. I've got bills to pay too, you know? But she didn't say ANYTHING about too-tight pants and greasy drunk hair. GOTCHA!

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Grumpy Woody

LUCY PUNCH: My dress represents all the psychological and sexual knots Woody likes to tie his characters into. Really. It does. It has NOTHING to do with wanting you to fixate on my erogenous zones.

WOODY ALLEN: I'm so depressed. I'm standing next to a beautiful woman who had the Cub Scouts of the USA lock her crotch for a knot-tying merit badge, and a woman who is over 40. Isn't it in my contract that I refuse to be seen with women who are over 40?

GEMMA JONES: Oh, shut it, Woody, I'm internationally beloved for being in Sense and Sensibility and Bridget Jones' Diary and starring as Madam Pomfrey in the Harry Potter movies. And incidentally, I'm supposedly excellent in your latest. So have a coffee and smile and let's get through this Woodsy!

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Mo and Daugther Time

SUSAN SARANDON: So, we look awesome.

EVA AMURRI: We do look pretty great.

SUSAN: I'd normally note that you look a bit Barbie, but you're so not the Barbie Starlet type that I'm actually enjoying this sort of playing against type thing you're doing.

EVA: Well, and this dress is very pretty on me.

SUSAN: It is. Can we talk about how well I'm aging?

EVA: AGAIN? Mom, we talk about that all the time!

SUSAN: YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR THESE GENETICS, YOUNG LADY.

EVA: Fine. Sorry. Yes. You look amazing.

SUSAN: Thank you. Now, let's go inside and sell ping-pong franchises to Tom Hanks. He owes me.

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