Ryan Gosling Moves In

MICHELLE: Hey, Ryan.

RYAN: Michelle. Ma belle.

MICHELLE: Right, yes. The Beatles.

RYAN: I am crazy for you.

MICHELLE: Madonna. Can I play? How about, ‘Don’t stand so close to me.’

RYAN: The Police! Also, sorry. I’m just so drawn to your creamy white torso. I want to spread it on toast and take it for breakfast in bed.

MICHELLE: … R. Kelly?

RYAN: No, Ryan Gosling.

MICHELLE: Really? Since when are you so horny?

RYAN: I DON’T KNOW. I think it’s the scarf. It has me feeling so randy. Like I could drink a shot of rum out of your clavicle. And then leap into your dress, and into your secret garden…

MICHELLE: EW!

RYAN: No, Bruce Springsteen. Well, sort of.

MICHELLE: Man, this is getting scary. I’m gonna shoot somebody.

RYAN: What?!?

MICHELLE: Now THAT was R. Kelly.

RYAN: Cunning. But seriously, I do like that dress. It’s like a painting. A painting of serenity. I can paint, you know. With my fingers. I could turn your fair epidermis into a canvas, that skin like porcelain, one pair of candy lips and your bubblegum tongue…

MICHELLE: John Mayer. Wow, I can’t believe you are quoting Man-Whore at me. Dealbreaker!

RYAN: You thought I was quoting R. Kelly before, but JOHN MAYER is your dealbreaker?

MICHELLE: A girl has to have standards. Does this stuff really work on Blake Lively?

RYAN: I never kiss and tell. But, yes.

MICHELLE: Well, congrats to you and your scarf. I hope you’re all very happy. Laughter is calling for you. Three’s company, too.

RYAN: That one is… wait for it, I know this one…

MICHELLE: It’s Three’s Company.

RYAN: Damn! You’ve bested me in this round, Williams. Well played indeed.

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Ashton Kutcher Goes on Sex Ed Rant Promoting his New Shitty Movie

You'd think a press conference for No Strings Attached, a movie Natalie Portman is probably kicking herself for starring in—nothing like following the critical tongue-kissing for Black Swan with a wet dog turd of a rom-com, Portman—would be as lame as the plot, which is described as "a date movie about twentysomething 'sex friends' who accidentally fall in love," but thanks to Ashton Kutcher, there's actually something to report on here.

While promoting No Strings Attached, Kutcher somehow managed to climb aboard a sex-related soapbox, declaring his beliefs that... well, I'm not entirely sure, to be honest.

Here, read for yourself:
"I think there’s so much that’s not said about sex in our country, even from an educational level. I do a lot of work on human trafficking, and I connect a lot with girls that end up in this trade, if you will. Partially because of a lack of education about sex in the country. Sometimes we get to make films that open things up that people can talk about, and one of the interesting things — I don’t want to veer off on a weird human trafficking thing, but — is that, especially for women in the sex education process in schools, the one thing they teach about is how to get pregnant or how to not get pregnant, but they don’t really talk about sex as a point of pleasure for women. The male orgasm is actually right there and readily available to learn about because it’s actually part of the reproductive cycle, but the female orgasm isn’t really talked about in the education system. Part of that creates a place where women aren’t empowered around their own sexuality and their own sexual selves, and from a purely entertainment point of view, to create a movie with a female lead that’s empowered with her own sexuality is a powerful thing. And if we can give teenage people something to think about from a sex perspective, I would say it would be to open a conversation where women are empowered with their own sexual experiences from an educational level as well as an entertainment level."

Uh huh. Okay, so let me see if I've got this straight: if women were empowered to get themselves off, they wouldn't end up as abducted sex slaves, and this crap-ass movie he's in is going to create a bunch of valuable sociological dialogue.

Well, in case this wasn't enough to make you raise an eyebrow, Kutcher also recently did an interview with Men's Fitness where he predicted that the "end of days" is on its way. He claims to be stocking up on guns, spending hours and hours running the canyons near his home, and learning Krav Maga, a deadly Israeli combat technique. A quote from the interview: "All of my physical fitness regimen is completely tailored around the end of day. I stay fit for no other reason than to save the people I care about."

So Ashton Kutcher's eternally terrible rom-com movies are for the betterment of womankind, and his chiseled bod is for apocalyptic purposes only. Man, I had him ALL wrong. I wonder what altruistic explanation he has for Punk'd and Dude, Where's My Car.

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Daniel Radcliffe Sings the Periodic Table of Elements

I find myself easily amused by Daniel Radcliffe singing the periodic table of elements.
He performed "The Elements" by musical humorist Tom Lehrer on Graham Norton's show, and it's seriously impressive/nerdy/wonderful.

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Kirsten's Move to Being Classic

My initial reaction to this was a big WAH-WAAAAH.

It’s so plain, so crinkled, so BORING and Kiki is ALIVE and VITAL and should be inspiring us to do more than sit in a chair and sniffle. But the thing is, I have to give this credit: the vintage aura somehow also totally suits her. I mean, it’s not like Lady Gaga or Meryl Streep or Miley Cyrus is parading around in this; it’s very Kirsten, so in that sense, even if this might be at Defcon 1 levels of mustiness, I also think it’s possible La Dunst knocked this out of the park.

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Channing Tatum Go Back to the Way You Were

Remember back when it seemed like Channing Tatum cute?

Turns out he’s never really had an intimate relationship with a quality razor, but whatever — that’s not a requirement. I just think the shorter hair worked a lot better than the coif he’s attempting to rock now:

I keep expecting him to try and sell me a certified pre-owned Oldsmobile that smells vaguely of cigar smoke, ointment, and feet.

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Great Harry Potter Parody Videos

Popeater has kindly complied great Harry Potter parody videos for us all to enjoy: http://www.popeater.com/2010/11/19/harry-potter-parodies-video-list/

Harry Potter Puppet Pals is the best, and forever classic. I remember being in 7th grade and laughing my head off. Wait, I am still laughing my head off.

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Elizabeth Moss Gets Back at Ex Looking Fabulous

Ladies, this is how we triumphantly prove to our man what he is missing out on: by looking more fabulous than ever. Take Elizabeth Moss, who recently divorced Saturday Night Live's Fred Amrisen: SUCK ON THIS, EX-HUSBAND FRED ARMISEN THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR TAKING UP WITH A GIRL HALF YOUR AGE.

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