Clouds Don't Kill People. People Kill People.

Blog* What if people killed people, only with the mighty power of clouds? Did I just blow your mind? HA, a wind joke... don't look at me. Title is from Psych.* April I will be blogging every day for NaBloPoMo, because the blogging here has been disgraceful. Really, there is dust everywhere, no one has been in here to blog in ages, and IS THAT A ROACH? SOMEONE KILL IT WITH FIRE.Music* I am going to pimp out my friend Danielle's EP, Stagefright at Traffic Lights, because A) she is brilliant and beautiful and Irish, B) she is a wonderful friend, and C) the EP is remarkable. My personal favorite song is 'Pact,' but her piano work and lyrics are lovely, funny, and sad. It's dark, clever cabaret, and worth a listen. You can sample the songs for free, but you need to download the album to get two secret tracks. Oh, and Danielle is also a writer, a blogger, and I think I need to go visit her in October at Octocon, FOR SCIENCE.Whut?[Found at VeryDemotivational.com]I get it's supposed to be a joke, but Patrick Star over in the corner is REALLY freaking me out. Also, WHAT?Food!Win* See, this cake is too cute to eat, which I think is rude.[Found at Geekologie]How can I eat something so adorable and sweet and wholesome? ....OK, I would, but I'd feel guilty about it. Really guilty. There would be tears. Remember that Simpsons episode where Homer had to eat Pinchie, because Pinchie would have wanted it? Yeah, basically that, only me weeping between bites of cake, whimpering, "Why did you have to be so delicious, Wall-E, stop staring at me is that real buttercream icing?"Words Of Win* See, guys, it's stuff like this that makes people hate America:[Found at FailBlog]Hell, I hate us, and I live here. Oh, and I really wish they'd put an apostrophe in "you'd," because that is how my brain works.Fandom* Did you know you can buy a replica of the dagger Jake used in Avatar?[Found at Nerd Approved]For $129, you can immediately ostracize the many, many people who didn't like Avatar (or, like me, thought it was overrated, and preferred the original version, AKA Ferngully: The Last Rainforest).

But you know what you can't buy? The best picture Oscar, HAH. It's OK, James Cameron is wiping his tears with $100 bills, while I make nasty comments about his expensive memorabilia. So everyone wins, really. Remember when Avatar lost the Oscar to a movie that didn't involve hair!sex? Yeah, I was excited. I'm sorry, it was a beautiful movie - really, visually gorgeous and I want to be Sigourney Weaver when I grow up, but I am an immature young lady, and I cannot get past the fact that they ran around STICKING THEIR BODY PARTS IN LIVING THINGS. It's rude. I'm sorry, this is the last rant on Avatar ever. It's time to let it go. I must be stronger than my exasperation.What was I talking about? Oh, the daggers. They're very pretty.People I Love* Did I ever tell you guys about the time Warren Ellis Tweeted me, and I was so worried I'd say something to inspire his much-deserved wrath that I had to turn off my laptop and go drink some tea, to calm down? Probably, because I love and fear Warren Ellis and the awful things he says. I also love Twitter, to the point where my private account has a shameful number of Tweets that speaks of serious problems, but I never use my Facebook, so it evens out, RIGHT?Anyway. This is how Warren Ellis refers to Twitter:

Twitter: A Shitbox For Your Brain

And thus it is. I mean, look at what he writes on Twitter. BEHOLD:

* Haven’t trimmed my beard in so long that it’s gone from Crackling Virility Hedge to Hobo Rape Thicket.

If Twitter is a Shitbox for your brain, there are disturbing implications about my need to compulsively Tweet my irritation over toilet paper commercials.

(WHY BEARS? SOMEONE EXPLAIN HOW THIS WILL SELL ME A PRODUCT).Love and fear are both part of the Warren Ellis packet. And sometimes some nausea. Also, I really really need this Brain Bleach Mug, so someone should buy it for me. I'll blog more! And... drink coffee from it, probably.Daily Hot Guy[Misha Collins, AKA Castiel from Supernatural, AKA "I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition," AKA BAMF ANGEL, AKA did you know his appearance is based on Constantine from Hellblazer? Yes, I have a problem with him. No, I don't want to talk about it. 2010: The Year Of Hot Badass Angels. And LV said it was good.]Daily Icon[Carrie Fisher, inarguable proof that you can be a total hottie, an actress, an author, a memoirist, and a brilliantly funny human being. And have a sense of humor about your gold bathing suit.]Awesome* It's funny because it's true. And it explains why blogging in the morning can be nigh on impossible, when there is suddenly decaffeinated coffee in the vicinity. What is the point of decaf? TO DESTROY LIVES AND BLOGS, THAT'S THE POINT.[Found at The Oatmeal]There are four more phases, and only two of them are good. The other two... we don't talk about those. You can't crash if you NEVER STOP DRINKING CAFFEINE. No, I never abused my caps lock key before I started ingesting energy drinks on a daily basis, why do you ask?Technology* I usually blame the failings of technology on the evil demons that live in the internet, or my own near-legendary skill to destroy things without trying. So when this reason came up in the Bastard Operator From Hell-Style Excuses Server, I felt JUSTIFIED:

Daemon escaped from pentagram .

The excuses on this page for server errors make me happy, and I think if we all used them constantly, the world would be a better place. Now someone go redraw the pentagram. And get more rock salt.Life Lessons* I don't know if Millarca made this or just found it, but either way it is the ultimate and final truth:If she and Freddie Mercury joined forces, the universe would be a fabulous and lovely place. Why is this not the way life is?Movie!Win* Yes, this is very old, but you know what? Win is Win, and I demand that some of these improbable movie trading cards exist, RIGHT NOW:[Found at Automatic Lifestyle Dispenser]I would buy Barton Fink trading cards. I would buy them like nobody's business. And Miller's Crossing trading cards. Man, that was a fantastic movie. Oh, and remember The Hudsucker Proxy? I love the Coen brothers. And they seem like they'd make trading cards, don't they? This feels so right.Wow* Sometimes, I really and truly believe that the internet was created with the sole purpose of slowly driving us all insane:[Found at LikeCool]Why? Who looks at a mosquito (one of the most evil creatures on the planet, and right up there with raisins and clowns on the list of Things LV Hates & Fears), and thinks, 'Gee, wouldn't it be super-nifty if mosquitos were mated with elephants, and destroyed civilization by SMOOSHING US, THEN SUCKING THE SMOOSHED BLOOD?' You know what? I don't want to know the logic there. Mosquitos are evil, and I hate them, and now I need a tennis racket for when it gets warmer, because these things are coming.Yes, artistically it's gorgeous and well-done, but let's forget that and focus on the abject horror here. And why do I feel like the elephant is undressing me with his eyes? I'm all sorts of uncomfortable.WTF, INTERNET?* You know what? It's images like these that make me want to give up on this category, because there is HONESTLY NOTHING I could write that would in any way enhance the insanity of this product:[Found at Nerd Approved]It's a Screaming Condom USB drive. Yeah. You know, I don't get paid for this. And if I did, I'd be demanding a raise, because HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE ANY JOKES ABOUT A SCREAMING CONDOM USB DRIVE? THE PRODUCT IS THE JOKE. SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE.Now I have a headache, and a pervasive fear that a random blue condom will show up and scream at me, and I will never know why. Well played, Internet.- LV

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