Day 12 Of Unemployment: Rainy Days & Moving Always Piss Me The Fuck Off

So, I'm moving on Thursday. I will no longer live with a lunatic. To commemorate this auspicious event, we here at FEAR AND LOATHING IN NEW YORK are going to hold a two-part celebration. Today, I will be presenting you with some quotes said about and by my roommate. Tomorrow, I shall regale you with stories about her. After that, I will be accepting funding for my therapy bills. Actually, I'm partly doing this because I'm busy packing and don't have my notebook with all the clever shit I wanted to say. The quotes below are real, Unfortunately. The names have been changed to protect my from the wrath of the deeply disturbed, because I do NOT need that shit.Quotes About My RoommateMe: My roommate broke her bed.Kay: How?Me: I really don't want to think about it.Me: Dad, Roommate is still upset about the time she asked for a cheeseburger at our house, and you acted surprised.Dad: I was SURPRISED because she made YOU drive her to the grocery store at ten-thirty at NIGHT! I don't give a shit if she eats a whole cow LIVE.Me: My roommate was up at one in the morning sobbing for an hour because the grocery store was out of hamburger patties.Dad: Well, you decided to live with her. It's like you're stuck in a bad marriage. But instead of infidelity, this will end in homicide. Have fun!Arre: Oh my GOD! You live with Single White Female! She's going to blow your boyfriend!Me: I don't have a boyfriend.Arre: OH MY GOD! She's going to blow YOU!Me: I don't have a penis, either.Kay: Your roommate is like a sad crying clown doll.Me: I'm afraid of clowns.Kay: You're afraid of your roommate!Me: She hates people with accents.Esse: Why does she live in New York, then?Me: To point out their heinous mistake.Me: If I kill my roommate, I go to jail. And if I'm in jail, I can't be expected to finish my finals. Brilliant!Esse: They'll send them to you by mail, and expect you to write a paper on how prison makes you feel.Me: Damn it!Esse: Where's your roommate?Me: Don't know.Esse: When is she coming back?Me: Don't care.Esse: She's getting in the way of your work, isn't she?Me: If she is the reason I get bad grades, instead of my own legendary laziness, I swear to God I will END her.Quotes From My RoomateRoommate: I like this pillow.Me: And it likes you.Roommate: It matches my outfit.Kay: We won the House! We won the Senate!Roommate: I don't follow politics. I'm playing Tetris. Is Bush still president?Kay: You are the reason I drink.Roommate: I have a pink pillow Mohawk.Roommate: My eyeball smells.Roommate: The only thing more pathetic than a guy who masturbates is a girl who owns a vibrator.Roommate: Hey, Elle. Is it OK if I eat one of your ice cream bars?Me: Roommate, it's 2:30 in the morning. I was asleep.Roommate: Why?Roommate: Hey Elle, will you listen to this voicemail that Emme left and tell me what you think it means?Me: Who's Emme?Roommate: The girl Wye is seeing.Me: I thought Wye was seeing you.Roommate: We're in an open relationship.Me: Then why did this girl call you?Roommate: Oh, she called him.Me: Then how did you get the message?Roommate: I didn't.Me: OK...Roommate: I figured out his Myspace password, then used THAT to figure out his E-Mail password, then used THAT to guess what his voicemail password would be. Will you listen to the message and she if she likes him?That's all for now. Just letting you all know I'm still alive, and your assassins have failed. Fools! Bwahahahahahaha! - LV

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