Since I Am Still Sick & Semi-Delerious, I Am Going To Post A Nice List, & You Are All Going To Love It

Fictional Characters I Would Drag Into A Dark Alley & Gleefully Violate, Were They Not FictionalIn A Sort Of Order, Meaning Whatever Came Into My Diseased Little Mind First1. V - V For Vendetta (Do I even need to explain this one? Comic and movie, although for drastically different reasons. Comic version would probably kill me. Movie version might cry if I tried to touch his dangly bits.)2. Spider Jerusalem - Transmetropolitan (Because I can't put real people on this list, and he's like Hunter S. Thompson, and he uses awesome curses and eats weird things and yells a lot.)3. The Doctor - Doctor Who (The Ninth being my favorite, although I've been genuinely attracted to each one - go figure.)4. Allen Francis Doyle - Angel (The cause of some very embarrassing behavior during my early teen years, and the sole reason I love Irish accents.)5. Dr. Gregory House - House, M.D. (And yes, I am going to make a list of reasons why House and I are meant to be. In my mind - I think my geekiness is a bit out of control at the moment. Suffice it to say, he's from NEW JERSEY.)6. Phineas Poe - KISS ME JUDAS, PENNY DREADFUL, HELL'S HALF ACRE (He's fucking awesome. Although he has very bad luck with women. Or rather, the women around him have really bad luck.)7. Severus Snape - The Harry Potter Series (Movies, books, whatever - blame Esse for this one.)8. Brooklyn - Gargoyles (Can we please not delve into the fact that he's not human? And doesn't even look human? And is a cartoon? Please?)9. Rorschach - Watchmen (Winner of Ugliest Fictional Character I Find Sexy Award.)10. GOB - Arrested Development (So, so damaged - he'd cry before, during, and after.)11. Agent Sands - Once Upon A Time In Mexico (Can't really explain this one, except that good looking lunatics with an extra arm are appealing.)12. Captain Jack Sparrow - Pirates Of The Caribbean (I have a theory - go watch the first POTC movie. Remember Jack's first appearance? Yeah. A million teenage girls hit puberty right then.)13. Dr. Perry Cox - Scrubs (Used to be higher up the list, but House is angrier and more damaged, which makes me like him more. So sad. Will Cox fall from The List?)14. Hoban 'Wash' Washbourne - Firefly, Serenity (Of course I love him. And those of you who know my theory on fictional characters I love, and the end of Serenity, know how appropriate this is.)15. Lloyd Dobbler - Say Anything... (Because I am a heterosexual female.)16. Data - Star Trek: The Next Generation (I once told my friend he's like a vibrator that can snuggle you afterwards. She made me promise never to say that again.)17. Brody - Mallrats (Probably a version of the man I will marry.)18. Hellboy - Hellboy (Comics & movie. Bite me, you know he's hot. Haha, a PUN!)19. John Constantine - Hellblazer (NOT Keanu Reeves in freaking Constantive. JUST the comics. I can't even talk about that movie. It makes me twitch.)20. Raoul Duke - Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas (Does this count? He's an alter-ego of a real person. But he's fictional. Fuck it, he counts.)21. Adrian Monk - Monk (He could clean for me. And I don't like touching people either! We could be crazy together.)22. Tim Canterbury - The Office (The British version is still better.)23. Josh Lyman - The West Wing (This show made me want to go to law school for a few weeks, so I could meet Josh and have him ruin my life.)24. Zaphod Beeblebrox - The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy (I could make a dirty joke here about two heads and three arms, but you know what? I'm too fucking mature.)25. Woodrow Call - Lonesome Dove (Book and movie, although NOT the TV series - was he even in that? I read the book so many times it fell apart.)26. Holden Caulfield - The Catcher In The Rye (I was an angsty teenager.)27. Lucas Corso - The Club Dumas (NOT the film version The Ninth Gate, even if it did have Johnny Depp as Corso. Only the book version. More book-love in the book version.)28. Odd Thomas - Odd Thomas (He's a dork! Who sees dead people! And Elvis likes him! Exclamation point!)29. Mark Cohen - Rent (I forced my friend Kay to go see this. In Theaters. In New York City. She made me promise not to tell anyone ever, but I forgot, and told quite a few of our friends.)30. Mike McGill - Crooked Little Vein (I wrote a freaking fan letter to Warren Ellis in an earlier post - you doubted he'd be on the list?)That's enough. I'm going to go vomit now. And sleep. If the virus in me wins, please exterminate me. Maybe I'll become a zombie. That would be AWESOME!If I do become a zombie, may you be able to avoid me and continue with your puny little lives. Unless you are cool, and decide to become a zombie like me. Poser.- LVNOTE: Blogger needs to get its shit together and let me add more labels. PLEASE, Blogger Gods? Make the limit like, 300 or 400. NOTE: I PROMISE, as soon as I'm better I'll get back to less insane (or equally insane in a different way) topics. I just feel vile and want to write silly shit.NOTE: If it turns out I am dying, but not turning into a zombie, call the Make A Wish Foundation and tell them I want Hugh Laurie to pretend to be House for me. He can just hobble around avoiding me. They wouldn't even have to bother him; just have young, attractive people come into my room and tell me he's busy. Wait, what?

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