My review of Halloween, directed by Rob Zombie:
Denial: Surely nobody could possibly make such a bad movie. Certainly nobody involved with Grindhouse. And obviously nobody could badly remake such a brilliant film (ignores Psycho, The Fog, The Haunting, Alfie, Wild Wild West, House Of Wax, The Truth About Charlie, The Pink Panther, Down To Earth, and most remakes ever.)
Anger: WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WATCH? WHAT MANNER OF BULLSHIT IS THIS? WHY IS EVERYONE A HICK? HOW MANY BORING TEENAGE HUMPING SESSIONS CAN ONE MOVIE HAVE? WHY IS THE DOCTOR DRESSED LIKE ANDY WARHOL?! WHAT TESTICLE-CHOPPING MONSTER CONVINCED DANNY TREJO TO SOIL HIMSELF IN THIS FILM? WHY IS THE CREEPY KID SO VERY ANNOYING, AND HIS HAIR SO VERY LONG? I HATE EVERYONE! IT BURNS!
Bargaining: Please, please, Hollywood - I'll give you my firstborn if you stop raping the past. Please? And my spleen. Just make the bad men stop.
Depression: There will never be a good movie again. Film is dead, and I was at its final, gasping moments of agony.
Acceptance: I survived Wild Wild West on the big screen - I will survive this. But I must spread the word, so that nobody will ever suffer like I have.
- LV
PS Here are a few GOOD remakes to help with your therapy, if you were unlucky enough to think Halloween would be a fun, stupid movie, and were as traumatized as I am by the actual results:
* Dawn of the Dead
* Charlie & The Chocolate Factory (I actually like it better than the Gene Wilder version - it sticks closer to the book, and doesn't have the scary tunnel sequence)
* His Girl Friday
* The Thomas Crown Affair
* The Fly
* The Ring
* Ocean's 11
* The Manchurian Candidate
* The Maltese Falcon
* King Kong
PPSS I saw Britney Spears' VMA performance on YouTube. It was more terrifying than anything in Halloween.
Denial: Surely nobody could possibly make such a bad movie. Certainly nobody involved with Grindhouse. And obviously nobody could badly remake such a brilliant film (ignores Psycho, The Fog, The Haunting, Alfie, Wild Wild West, House Of Wax, The Truth About Charlie, The Pink Panther, Down To Earth, and most remakes ever.)
Anger: WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WATCH? WHAT MANNER OF BULLSHIT IS THIS? WHY IS EVERYONE A HICK? HOW MANY BORING TEENAGE HUMPING SESSIONS CAN ONE MOVIE HAVE? WHY IS THE DOCTOR DRESSED LIKE ANDY WARHOL?! WHAT TESTICLE-CHOPPING MONSTER CONVINCED DANNY TREJO TO SOIL HIMSELF IN THIS FILM? WHY IS THE CREEPY KID SO VERY ANNOYING, AND HIS HAIR SO VERY LONG? I HATE EVERYONE! IT BURNS!
Bargaining: Please, please, Hollywood - I'll give you my firstborn if you stop raping the past. Please? And my spleen. Just make the bad men stop.
Depression: There will never be a good movie again. Film is dead, and I was at its final, gasping moments of agony.
Acceptance: I survived Wild Wild West on the big screen - I will survive this. But I must spread the word, so that nobody will ever suffer like I have.
- LV
PS Here are a few GOOD remakes to help with your therapy, if you were unlucky enough to think Halloween would be a fun, stupid movie, and were as traumatized as I am by the actual results:
* Dawn of the Dead
* Charlie & The Chocolate Factory (I actually like it better than the Gene Wilder version - it sticks closer to the book, and doesn't have the scary tunnel sequence)
* His Girl Friday
* The Thomas Crown Affair
* The Fly
* The Ring
* Ocean's 11
* The Manchurian Candidate
* The Maltese Falcon
* King Kong
PPSS I saw Britney Spears' VMA performance on YouTube. It was more terrifying than anything in Halloween.
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