The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

Originally published May 31, 2008NOTE: SPOILER ALERT. I talk about the whole movie, and hint at stuff from the book series. SPOILER ALERT.Also, since this is a children's movie, I'm going to see if I can get by without cursing. Although children should never, ever be allowed on this website. A FEW NOTES ON THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: PRINCE CASPIAN* Prince Caspian's professor looks exactly like Santa Claus. He has the beard, the belly like a bowl full of jelly, the red nose, and even those funny little glasses Santa wears when reading the 'Naughty' and 'Nice' lists. It's distracting to see Santa running around a big castle.* Hey, anyone ever watch that show THE FAIRLY ODDPARENTS on Nickelodeon? Remember that minor character, Juandissimo Magnifico, the 'sexy' fairy with the dark good looks and heavy accent? Yeah, Caspian reminds me of him. I was very disappointed that at no point in this movie does Caspian go, "I'm sorry; I'm very sexy."* I am absolutely the only person in my theater who was excited that Peter Dinklage (THE STATION AGENT, ELF) was in this movie. Dinklage PWNS. I've liked him since LIVING IN OBLIVION (go rent it now). His performance alone was worth the ticket price. If I'd known he was in this movie, I would have seen it opening weekend. * On the kids: The oldest brother is attractive, but irritatingly noble and selfish; the oldest sister is pretty, and I really appreciated the sadness in the character, as it works well with what happens to Susan by the end of the series (the book series, at least); the younger brother is still my favorite (Edmund was always the cool one); the little sister walks the very fine line between adorable and needing to be bashed in the head, and sometimes stumbles. Generally, they do a fine job. Nobody will ever claim this movie is about the acting.* Eddie Izzard (THE RICHES) plays a little mouse with a sword! Stop and THINK about that. Eddie Izzard. Mouse. Sword. Killer mouse, no less. Let the awesomeness of that sweep over you.* Issue: So Caspian's people have basically overrun and exterminated the Narnians for 1300 years, right? Then why does it take Caspian less than three minutes to convince them all to die for him? He's not THAT pretty. Or the Narnians are, on top of everything else, incredibly forgiving. Or, you know, stupid.* I'm sorry to say this, but the centaurs in HARRY POTTER looked better. The human part was too tiny for the horse part. And the baby centaur had a full-grown horse body. I'm the only person who was annoyed by that.* I'm going to say it, and I'm not going to apologize: Aslan is kind of a jerk. He's got all these super-cool magical powers that could save everyone instantly, and he has nothing better to do, and he apparently loves everyone. But instead of helping out, he's off frolicking merrily in the forest while everyone gets slaughtered, because they don't BELIEVE in him enough. If I was Lucy, I would have bopped him in the nose when I finally found the smug nitwit. I'd be dead, but self-righteous. (Yes, I know the symbolism. See below).* Interpretation 1: Religion! The big lion is Jesus, and he doesn't show up until the very end, even though poor little Lucy believed in him from the beginning. Aslan wants her to be an aggressive believer; he wants her knocking on people's doors during dinner with a pamphlet. He expects RESULTS. * Issue 2: Caspian and Susan's little flirtation was embarrassing for everyone. Caspian had clearly never spoken to a girl his own age before, and was all atwitter. Susan had clearly never spoken to a pretty, exotic prince before, and was corny and inappropriate.* Interpretation 2: War! I could probably work out a good metaphor for the current war from Narnia, if I wanted to be obnoxious and liberal-arts-student, both of which I am. But it's very late, and I'm losing my grip on consciousness. Let's just say that the battle scenes were impressive, as always, and there's a thesis hidden just below the surface of the scene where the young, impetuous leaders are forced to leave their troops to die. It was a very upsetting scene, children's movie or not. * TILDA SWINTON! TILDA SWINTON! The White Witch was the best part of the first movie, and it was great to see her again for a bit in this one. She's a scary, scary lady. Edmund's sword action must have been very therapeutic.* Interpretation 3: Imagination! This is a metaphor I will pursue, for just a second. The Narnians are childhood imagination and belief (not in religion, but in magic and possibility). The Telmarines are adulthood and cold, grey reality, and hard facts. You need both to live in harmony. Now I pause while you ponder this profound statement. Moving on...* When a centaur is attacking and you stay and fight, that's impressive. But when the TREES start chucking stuff, and you still fight for your country? THEN you're a patriot. Trees fighting is always cool. All the battle scenes were wonderfully rendered, but it's really hard to screw up a fight scene that involves dwarves and badgers.* Issue 3: Lucy's magic Death-B-Gone potion. As happy as I was that my two favorite supporting characters finally lived, it sort of diminished the deaths of all those soldiers who sacrificed themselves for Narnia. Why didn't she just rain it over the battlefields? I'll be honest, I'm just a little upset that J.K. Rowling didn't steal that plot device. It's lame and stupid, and cheapens everything, but gosh darn it, certain favorite characters of mine wouldn't have died horrible, hideous deaths trying to atone for sins they made when they were young and foolish! (173 days until HALF-BLOOD PRINCE.)* The final scene in Narnia, where the Telmarines step through the tree, left me wishing that King Leonidas from 300 would show up, scream, "THIS - IS - NARNIA!" and kick them through the darn hole.

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