Once Upon A Time In Mexico

Originally posted May 18th, 2008NOTE: Since this movie came out several years ago, I'm going to assume everyone has seen it. SPOILER ALERT.Dear Robert Rodriguez: We need to talk. I'm not going into your recent film forays (GRINDHOUSE) or your personal life (Rose McGowan). No, instead, we're going to have a chat about ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO. First of all, what the fuck? This movie really isn't the conclusion of the Mariachi Trilogy (following EL MARIACHI and DESPERADO). It's more like the bastard son of FROM DUSK 'TILL DAWN without the vampires, or the love-child of Uwe Boll and Francis Ford Coppola.Let's face it: the movie is a total mess. But it's a glorious, hot mess, the sort of mess other, lesser messes should bow before. It has pretty explosions and wonderful shoot-outs and snappy dialogue and one of the most schizophrenic casts I had ever seen (until you made SIN CITY). I mean, El (Antonio Banderas) is barely in his own movie. He's all sulky again, understandably, but it's less interesting to see him fighting for revenge this time. How many people are out to ruin his life? Apparently there's something about him that really pisses off rich assholes with lots of guns and lackeys.And speaking of no screen time, why is Salma Hayek on the poster? She's barely in the movie as well. Because you killed her. Which is annoying, as she was a smart, sexy, capable character in DESPERADO. You leave poor Eva Mendes to be the primary bastion of femininity in this guy-fest. And while she does a good job with her small role, the waves of testosterone ultimately knock her down.We also need to discuss the casting. It feels like the fabric of the universe tore a little bit the moment you decided to make a movie with Willem Dafoe, Mickey Rourke, Cheech Marin, and Enrique Iglesias - although Iglesias, as the hard-drinking mariachi crony of El, is really very funny. Why does Rourke have a chihuahua, which I just wanted to drop-kick the whole movie? I am convinced he wandered onto the set from another film, and you were simply too polite to ask him to leave. Dafoe just has to stand there and sneer scarily, which he's very good at, but it doesn't seem like it was too taxing.Now, to the main point: the best character in the whole damn film is, without a doubt, CIA Agent Sands (Johnny Depp). I am not just saying this because I'm a squealing idiot fangirl when it comes to Depp (although I am). Sands is the funniest, craziest, most entertaining part of the whole film. He has the best dialogue and the best plot points. Most of the best camerawork occurs after his 'operation.' He is probably the least sane character onscreen at any given time, and wears the ugliest wardrobe known to man. He has three freaking arms! He is amazing. The fact that you felt the need to mutilate him horribly is something we'll not get into.The problem with Depp's performance is that when he's not on screen, the whole movie suffers. It slows to a crawl, unless something is blowing up. You sit through it, enjoy some of it, and wait patiently for the majesty that is Sands to return and shoot an innocent bystander, or use the phrase 'skull-fuck' without batting an eye. Then he appears, and the movie is good again. His final shoot-out is funny and beautifully shot, and has a delicate balance of humor and violence that is not always found in the rest of the film.So: a sequel. Stop pretending to give a crap about El. Everyone he knows is dead. There is nobody else he can avenge, unless someone takes out his cleaning lady or bartender. Leave him to the dusty streets of Mexico and his own misery. Let's look towards the future: Sands is blind, insane, and violent. We've had blind assassins, but come on! Blind former CIA Agents with nothing left to lose? Can you say franchise? We'll get McDonald's on board - teeny tiny Sands action figures with removable eyes! (Not for children under three.) You set it up well enough in this movie; and everyone is pretty much dead, so you can have it go wherever you want. The movie is a guaranteed hit! I'll go see it, anyway.A few notes from this movie, before you start banging out the script for The Amazing Adventure Of Sands. Plot is somewhat important. If asked what OUATIM is about, I could explain what happens, but it would take me a few minutes and possibly a flow chart. It's much easier to say, "El is pissed off and kills people to save Mexico from Willem Dafoe, and Johnny Depp has three arms." Therefore, let's make the plot coherent. Simplicity is not a bad thing. Look at FROM DUSK 'TILL DAWN - bank robbers battle vampires. Simple!The music is so great in this film that I want to bottle it and drink it as a refreshing beverage. Kudos to always writing a great soundtrack, and finding the right people to make it perfect. We'll keep that for our next project. The violence in your movies is almost always cool and exciting and original, which is a big reason why I keep going to them. But I'm tired of watching people jump and climb over high buildings. We need less of Banderas and Hayek swinging from balconies, and more of Banderas blowing that guys kneecaps off. Violence to the kneecap is always cool. Maybe we could have a whole 'kneecap doom' section of the film. Or Sands could beat people's kneecaps with a chair leg. I'm flexible.OUATIM is ultimately a fun, stupid movie. It's real flaw is so much wasted potential. You made a good, entertaining movie. But it could have been a great movie. It could have been THE GOOD, THE BAD, & THE UGLY. And the fact that it ended up being just a silly popcorn flick is really disappointing. It isn't quite silly enough to be FROM DUSK 'TILL DAWN (which I keep mentioning because it's my favorite of your films), but it doesn't manage to have the quirky genius of EL MARIACHI. Luckily it's not SHARKBOY & LAVAGIRL, so the universe isn't totally cruel. So let's take the wasted brilliance of OUATIM, and make it the prequel for the ongoing odyssey of Sands. Trust me on this: make the Sands film, and forget the BARBARELLA remake. Think of the children. Then let Sands shoot them.- LV

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