Blog* Title is from Futurama. Review Of
* WARNING: MASSIVE SPOILERS BELOW. IF YOU INTEND TO SEE THIS MOVIE AND DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE ENDING, OR MAJOR PLOT POINTS, DO NOT READ THIS. I liked the first
movie. I did. I loved the show when I was little, and I made the toys join forces with my My Little Ponies and dinosaurs to overthrow the cruel dictatorship of Barbie (what?). It was a dumb, fun, explody Michael Bay movie, which is what I expected. And John Turturro is all sorts of great. And I may have cried rather a lot at the scene where the police capture Bumblebee and Sam screams at them. The point I'm trying to make is, I am a girl who likes big dumb movies, provided they are fun and entertaining and have explosions of awesome. I would rather sit through a fun stupid movie than a pretentious 'good' movie, which is why I prefer From Dusk Till Dawn to Forrest Gump.HOWEVER.The second Transformers movie, which I saw at the behest of my younger brother, has raised a MYRIAD of questions, and therefore the rest of my review will be ordered as such.- How did the Fallen fail to WIPE OUT early man? 17,000 BC was a LONG TIME AGO, and throwing a SPEAR at a Transformer would make for a laughably short film. Which would have made me happy. - Why do the twin Autobahns talk like rappers? Do they have faulty wiring, or is that intentional? How are they twins? HOW DO TRANSFORMERS REPRODUCE?- Why is Josh Duhamel so distractingly sexy? And why is he in this movie? And WHY did Tyrese agree to endorse almost every racial stereotype out there?- How did Michael Bay manage to get in swine flu jokes? Was he running screaming into post-production, dragging a confused and frightened Shia LaBouf in his wake, howling, "WE NEED TO MAKE TIMELY REFERENCES, DAMMIT."- Does President Obama like the fact that his name is mentioned in this film? And that he spends part of the movie hiding in a bunker in the middle of the country? I feel like he's going to put a cigarette out on Michael Bay's arm for that one.- Has it really taken TWO YEARS for someone in the government to mention the location of the Allspark? Wouldn't they discuss that, you know, rather frequently, to make sure that it was safe?- If every time you touch the Allspark you get a blast of alien memory-crazy, wouldn't there be quite a few government employees scribbling shit all over the walls and generally being unpleasant? Or was everyone using gloves all the time, even though as far as they knew it was a hunk of ROCK?- Why is Megan Fox's voice so freakishly annoying? And why is she FIXATED on Sam telling her he loves her? And why are Sam's parents so charmed with his girlfriend's habit of TAKING OFF HER PANTS ON THE FRONT LAWN?- Why are there three - I counted, there are THREE - scenes in this movie about animal/robot humping? Two with dogs, and one with a robot and Megan Fox's leg, and Sam is THREATENED by this.- WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU MICHAEL BAY? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO KILL OPTIMUS PRIME? SCORCESE COULD GET AWAY WITH THAT. NOT YOU. STOP KILLING MY CHILDHOOD ICONS.- Why is Bumblebee barely in this movie? He was the best part of the first one, and he's my favorite, and he was barely around, except to chauffeur people to and from danger, and SPRAY YELLOW FLUID on girls. AND DID HE KNOW SHE WAS A FREAKY TERMINATOR RIP-OFF, or does he just really like Megan Fox?- If Transformers can transform into humans, why didn't one transform into Megan Fox to get the information from Sam? And why did the robot feel the need to sex Sam up to get the information? AND WHY DID THAT THING COME OUT OF HER BUTT?- Why, John Turturro, WHY? YOU WERE IN MILLER'S CROSSING. THE COEN BROTHERS ARE SO DISAPPOINTED.- Did anyone, really, need to see John's ass at this point in the game? AND WHO WEARS A JOCK-STRAP?- When did 'taser' become synonymous with 'humor'? Actually, that did have moments of funny, but it was overused. When people get tasered they seize and flop around on the floor. The only funny bit was when John dragged the twitching kid through the Smithsonian.- Why do they always show Americans hating to eating snails? I LOVE ESCARGOT. Why can Americans never be even a LITTLE cultured? ALSO, how awful is it for Sam's mother to stand, stoned in the courtyard of his new college, and loudly tell people about how she was in the house when he 'popped his cherry'? - When the world is ENDING and the sun's going to explode/melt/disappear/I don't know, why is Megan Fox STILL whining about Sam not saying he loves her? IS THIS REALLY PERTINENT? And does she really believe the Magic of Love brought Sam back to life?- What is the POINT of Sam's roommate, except to be shrill and cry and get tasered a lot and have a horrible time?- In the Big Epic Last Scene, when Sam is trying to get the Matrix to the dead Optimus, the Decepticons are all trying to smush or blow the shit out of him, even though they NEED The Magic Fairy Powder of Life that he has put in his SOCK and blowing him up will not HELP the SITUATION. My question is this: Sam is small and frail and has something they need. Optimus Prime is huge and unarmed and DEAD. WHY WOULDN'T THEY BLOW UP OPTIMUS PRIME? I didn't WANT them to, I'm just saying, THAT would have made SENSE.- Does Michael Bay have a problem with women? Because the human women all suck in this movie, and the robot women all die.- If they have a big sucky Decepticon (literally sucky) why didn't they just use the Big Sucky Decepticon to suck up all the Autobahns?- WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN THIS MOVIE? Really, I do not know. Everyone wanted to kill everyone, and Sam was flailing and awkward (and I do think LaBouf is a solid actor, and he had some good moments even in this) and the Prime ghosts brought Sam back from the dead and there was this whole plot about letting your kids go, only sometimes they go off and DIE only to come back magically, and WHAT was the deal with the old robot babbling and DROOLING everywhere, and even though it was sweet that he sacrificed himself for Optimus, doesn't using his bits to make Optimus stronger strike anyone else as morbid?There's more, but I'm getting shouty. LIKE REALLY SHOUTY. GOD. I DO NOT ASK MUCH FROM MINDLESS SUMMER ENTERTAINMENT, BUT DO NOT INSULT ME. There was an awful lot of talking for an action movie, and even if they WERE giant robots doing the talking, that does NOT make it more interesting.AND AND that scene where Josh Duhamel tricks the whiny guy into FALLING OUT OF THE PLANE was upsetting, even if Mr. Duhamel is idiotically charming. Can I say anything good about this movie? Well, it probably doesn't cause cancer. And Rainn Wilson's cameo is hilarious. That's two things. Don't push it.This is Michael Bay's computer keyboard:[Found at WorldOfWonder]I'm going to go scrape the confusion and PAIN off my brain now.- LV
* WARNING: MASSIVE SPOILERS BELOW. IF YOU INTEND TO SEE THIS MOVIE AND DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE ENDING, OR MAJOR PLOT POINTS, DO NOT READ THIS. I liked the first
movie. I did. I loved the show when I was little, and I made the toys join forces with my My Little Ponies and dinosaurs to overthrow the cruel dictatorship of Barbie (what?). It was a dumb, fun, explody Michael Bay movie, which is what I expected. And John Turturro is all sorts of great. And I may have cried rather a lot at the scene where the police capture Bumblebee and Sam screams at them. The point I'm trying to make is, I am a girl who likes big dumb movies, provided they are fun and entertaining and have explosions of awesome. I would rather sit through a fun stupid movie than a pretentious 'good' movie, which is why I prefer From Dusk Till Dawn to Forrest Gump.HOWEVER.The second Transformers movie, which I saw at the behest of my younger brother, has raised a MYRIAD of questions, and therefore the rest of my review will be ordered as such.- How did the Fallen fail to WIPE OUT early man? 17,000 BC was a LONG TIME AGO, and throwing a SPEAR at a Transformer would make for a laughably short film. Which would have made me happy. - Why do the twin Autobahns talk like rappers? Do they have faulty wiring, or is that intentional? How are they twins? HOW DO TRANSFORMERS REPRODUCE?- Why is Josh Duhamel so distractingly sexy? And why is he in this movie? And WHY did Tyrese agree to endorse almost every racial stereotype out there?- How did Michael Bay manage to get in swine flu jokes? Was he running screaming into post-production, dragging a confused and frightened Shia LaBouf in his wake, howling, "WE NEED TO MAKE TIMELY REFERENCES, DAMMIT."- Does President Obama like the fact that his name is mentioned in this film? And that he spends part of the movie hiding in a bunker in the middle of the country? I feel like he's going to put a cigarette out on Michael Bay's arm for that one.- Has it really taken TWO YEARS for someone in the government to mention the location of the Allspark? Wouldn't they discuss that, you know, rather frequently, to make sure that it was safe?- If every time you touch the Allspark you get a blast of alien memory-crazy, wouldn't there be quite a few government employees scribbling shit all over the walls and generally being unpleasant? Or was everyone using gloves all the time, even though as far as they knew it was a hunk of ROCK?- Why is Megan Fox's voice so freakishly annoying? And why is she FIXATED on Sam telling her he loves her? And why are Sam's parents so charmed with his girlfriend's habit of TAKING OFF HER PANTS ON THE FRONT LAWN?- Why are there three - I counted, there are THREE - scenes in this movie about animal/robot humping? Two with dogs, and one with a robot and Megan Fox's leg, and Sam is THREATENED by this.- WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU MICHAEL BAY? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO KILL OPTIMUS PRIME? SCORCESE COULD GET AWAY WITH THAT. NOT YOU. STOP KILLING MY CHILDHOOD ICONS.- Why is Bumblebee barely in this movie? He was the best part of the first one, and he's my favorite, and he was barely around, except to chauffeur people to and from danger, and SPRAY YELLOW FLUID on girls. AND DID HE KNOW SHE WAS A FREAKY TERMINATOR RIP-OFF, or does he just really like Megan Fox?- If Transformers can transform into humans, why didn't one transform into Megan Fox to get the information from Sam? And why did the robot feel the need to sex Sam up to get the information? AND WHY DID THAT THING COME OUT OF HER BUTT?- Why, John Turturro, WHY? YOU WERE IN MILLER'S CROSSING. THE COEN BROTHERS ARE SO DISAPPOINTED.- Did anyone, really, need to see John's ass at this point in the game? AND WHO WEARS A JOCK-STRAP?- When did 'taser' become synonymous with 'humor'? Actually, that did have moments of funny, but it was overused. When people get tasered they seize and flop around on the floor. The only funny bit was when John dragged the twitching kid through the Smithsonian.- Why do they always show Americans hating to eating snails? I LOVE ESCARGOT. Why can Americans never be even a LITTLE cultured? ALSO, how awful is it for Sam's mother to stand, stoned in the courtyard of his new college, and loudly tell people about how she was in the house when he 'popped his cherry'? - When the world is ENDING and the sun's going to explode/melt/disappear/I don't know, why is Megan Fox STILL whining about Sam not saying he loves her? IS THIS REALLY PERTINENT? And does she really believe the Magic of Love brought Sam back to life?- What is the POINT of Sam's roommate, except to be shrill and cry and get tasered a lot and have a horrible time?- In the Big Epic Last Scene, when Sam is trying to get the Matrix to the dead Optimus, the Decepticons are all trying to smush or blow the shit out of him, even though they NEED The Magic Fairy Powder of Life that he has put in his SOCK and blowing him up will not HELP the SITUATION. My question is this: Sam is small and frail and has something they need. Optimus Prime is huge and unarmed and DEAD. WHY WOULDN'T THEY BLOW UP OPTIMUS PRIME? I didn't WANT them to, I'm just saying, THAT would have made SENSE.- Does Michael Bay have a problem with women? Because the human women all suck in this movie, and the robot women all die.- If they have a big sucky Decepticon (literally sucky) why didn't they just use the Big Sucky Decepticon to suck up all the Autobahns?- WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN THIS MOVIE? Really, I do not know. Everyone wanted to kill everyone, and Sam was flailing and awkward (and I do think LaBouf is a solid actor, and he had some good moments even in this) and the Prime ghosts brought Sam back from the dead and there was this whole plot about letting your kids go, only sometimes they go off and DIE only to come back magically, and WHAT was the deal with the old robot babbling and DROOLING everywhere, and even though it was sweet that he sacrificed himself for Optimus, doesn't using his bits to make Optimus stronger strike anyone else as morbid?There's more, but I'm getting shouty. LIKE REALLY SHOUTY. GOD. I DO NOT ASK MUCH FROM MINDLESS SUMMER ENTERTAINMENT, BUT DO NOT INSULT ME. There was an awful lot of talking for an action movie, and even if they WERE giant robots doing the talking, that does NOT make it more interesting.AND AND that scene where Josh Duhamel tricks the whiny guy into FALLING OUT OF THE PLANE was upsetting, even if Mr. Duhamel is idiotically charming. Can I say anything good about this movie? Well, it probably doesn't cause cancer. And Rainn Wilson's cameo is hilarious. That's two things. Don't push it.This is Michael Bay's computer keyboard:[Found at WorldOfWonder]I'm going to go scrape the confusion and PAIN off my brain now.- LV
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