The Happening

Note: This entry original posted in my old blog, on June 2008Yes, there are SPOILERS, but honestly it would be far less painful for you to read this review than see this movie. Seriously, save yourself ten dollars. You'll respect yourself more in the morning. If you've already seen the movie, find a support group immediately. There is help out there for you. Stop crying. Eventually, you'll be OK. For those of you determined to see this movie, SPOILER ALERT BELOW.* So, people are killing themselves all over the east coast, and naturally everyone thinks that terrorists have dumped toxins in the air. There's very well-organized panicking. People actually wait calmly for the train. Let's restate this: there is something in the air that makes you go crazy and kill yourself, and people are exiting the city in an organized fashion, and yielding to traffic.* It's not terrorists. It's plants. Yes, those plants. They're releasing a toxin in the air, because we're a threat. You see, the movie isn't just some summer horror film! It has a MESSAGE! It's profound. Your daisies want your sweet, sweet blood. Kill your crabgrass before it gets you.* The death scenes are pretty cool, but there are surprisingly few of them. My personal favorite was people calmly stepping off a building, and when this one guy laid down in front of a lawnmower you ride. Also, the people hanging from the telephone wires was a nice visual. The guy getting eaten by a lion should have been cooler. How can that not be cool? Ask the director. It's too bad there weren't more death scenes, and they weren't more creative. Hitting your head repeatedly against a wall is not a cool way to die. Nor is it particularly fun to watch.* After making two great movies (THE SIXTH SENSE and UNBREAKABLE), one decent movie (SIGNS), one worrying movie (THE VILLAGE), and one incomprehensible movie (THE LADY IN THE WATER), M. Night Shyamalan has lost his mind. THE HAPPENING crosses over beyond bad and enters waters only Uwe Boll has previously dared to swim.* Mark Wahlberg (THE DEPARTED) is awful in this movie. He's not necessarily any worse than anyone else in this film, but we have come to expect better from him. He seems to emote primarily by bugging his eyes out crazily. Half the time he doesn't appear to know what's going on around him; I kept waiting for him to yell, "Who are you people and why are we running through this field?" He's a science teacher, who keeps bursting fourth with asinine facts that in no way improve the story. * Zooey Deschanel (THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY) is also a student of the eye-bugging acting school. And stating the obvious "Those are dead people." She plays Wahlberg's estranged wife who tearfully confesses she ate Italian pastries with another man. That's not a euphemism.* John Leguizamo (MOULIN ROUGE!), who I love and think is generally wonderful, sweats a lot and abandons his young daughter in an insane gesture that pretty much represents the logic quotient of the film. He spouts random statistics and asks stupid math questions to distract people from corpses HANGING ABOVE THEM. Math makes everyone feel better. And, because I like him, he dies. * There's a subplot involving a mood ring. Mark Wahlberg actually wears a mood ring. There are multiple conversations about a mood ring. I sincerely wish I was kidding.* There is a whole discussion about the merits of hot dogs. * Upon facing the possible destruction of the human race, and finding more and more bodies, with nowhere to turn and in a desperate situation, someone actually yells out, in abject horror, "CHEESE AND CRACKERS!"* Mark Wahlberg says, "Duh." Without irony. * Leguizamo's daughter is stuck with the two most irresponsible people on the planet. They claim to worry about her, and try to shield her from all the death. For about three seconds. Then Deschanel announces, yet again, "Everyone is dead." I'm sure there's a cut scene where she turns to the tearful, frightened child and states calmly, "Your parents are dead, and Santa's dead too."* As if the kid's not traumatized enough, early in the film Deschanel gleefull tells her, (I'm paraphrasing) "We're the same! I don't like to show my emotions either." Congratulations, child, you're a cold bitch who's dead inside. Rejoice.* In the middle of the running and all the dying and hysteria, two random teenagers try to discuss Wahlberg's marriage. While they're running.* People run away from wind. Stop and ponder that. No, actually visualize this: people see wind in the trees and grass. They scream and run. They RUN. This is supposed to be a tense scene.* There is not a single line of decent dialogue in the whole film. Not one. And why are people not more upset about all the death and suicide and crazy? Why are people not being airlifted out, or running screaming through the streets? Why, in short, does nobody act like a real human being?* The only good scene in the whole movie involves Wahlberg and the little girl, and NO WORDS.* The funniest bit in the whole cinematic abortion involves Wahlberg asking a plastic plant not to kill him. And it's not that funny.* The scariest part of the whole movie is the crazy lady who Wahlberg and Deschanel decide to stay with. Crazy Lady has a life-sized doll in one of the bedrooms, which is never explained, and is only scary because dolls are freaking scary in general, especially life-sized ones.* So. Due to idiocy, Walhberg is on one side of this field, but safe, and Deschanel and the little girl are on the other, but safe. The Windy Death Wind Of Doom is blowing fiercely. Now, even though they're all in doors, and can even talk through a Plot Device thoughtfully inserted by the director, Wahlberg decides they're all going to die. And that when he kills himself, he wants to do it with the woman he loves. Because that's romantic.*So Wahlberg leaves his SAFE, UNINFECTED hiding place and walks across the field to die. We can only assume that he thought the wind was going to last forever, that it was the unending wind of his nightmares. I'm from the northeast, and generally our winds don't last that long. Like, if he'd waited five minutes everything would have been cool.* Seeing this idiotic display of suicidal thinking that actually hints Wahlberg was infected the whole time, Deschanel TAKES THE LITTLE GIRL SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE PROTECTING AND LEADS HER TO HER DEATH. After PROMISING her now-dead friend that she'll watch the daughter, SHE LEADS HER OUT INTO THE FIELD TO DIE. AND EVERYONE IS OK WITH THIS. * They don't die. Because love conquers all, including homicidal plants. Disturbingly, these two geniuses not only adopt the little girl, they spawn. * Then the French get it. Sequel: Le Happening: Vengeance Des Pissenlits.

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