Saturday, January 8, 2011

I Detest John Mayer, Just So You Know

“Put me in a dark room with a far-sighted girl and I can TOTALLY pass for Johnny Depp! It’ll be like that (http://www.playboy.com/articles/john-mayer-playboy-interview/index.html?page=1) disaterous Playboy interview never happened! I CAN SCORE AGAIN! Thank you, hair follicles. Thank you. Now, where’d I put my scarves?”

Nicholas Cage, Just Be Bald

I like Nicholas Cage even though I don't actually like him. I have quite the selection of his movies for some reason. On air planes I watch these dumb-ass Nic Cage movies I never got around to seeing and that is because YOU, Nicolas Cage, YOU SIR are a National Treasure. There is no other actor who accepted an Academy Award and then proceeded to make a more delicious and ENDLESS avalanche of totally terrible/awesome popcorn flicks. No other! JUST YOU. So, for the love of Mount Rushmore and its national, treasured secrets, SHOW US WHATEVER IS PERCOLATING UNDER THAT TOUPE. LOVE IT. OWN IT. BUFF IT. It worked for Willis!

Kristen's Stealing Robert's Bit


KRISTEN STEWART: Oh, God. Our category is coming up next.

ROBERT PATTINSON: Is it reeeeeally?

KRISTEN: Please don’t let us win best movie. Please. COME ON, INCEPTION.

R.PATTZ: Oh REALLY.

KRISTEN: We’re up for Best Onscreen Team, too, right? I mean, that’s totally Steve Carell and Tina Fey from Date Night, hey? We aren’t even a team! We are more of… an autonomous collective.

R.PATTZ: Really!

KRISTEN: I’m going to be sick.

R.PATTZ: Ew, really?

KRISTEN: Will you stop acting like a moron?

R.PATTZ: Sorry. I just can’t believe you still can’t handle going up on stage for this stuff. We’ve only won eleventy billion of these things. And you look so nice tonight!

KRISTEN: Really?

R.PATTZ: Don’t steal my bit.

KRISTEN: Sorry.

R.PATTZ: But you do. So let’s take a look. Beginning with dragging you up on stage.

KRISTEN: No. No, no, NO!

R.PATTZ: Yes, yes, yes.

Two Heartbroken Souls Unite: Swift and Efron


TAYLOR SWIFT: Hi, Zac.

ZAC EFRON: Hi, Taylor. You seem blue.

TAYLOR: Haven’t you heard? I just broke up with Jake Gyllenhaal. We were truly in love. We, like, drank coffee together. It was beautiful. So now I’m all wan and trying to cheer myself up with red lipstick.

ZEFRON: I feel you. I just broke up with Vanessa Hudgens. I had to cut my hair to deal with the heartbreak of being a Mature Single Man.

TAY: She should write a song about it.

ZEF: Maybe you could write it for her.

TAY: I’m too busy writing the one about how Jake was my love earthquake until I found out it was all fake and now I think he’s a rake.

ZEF: I hope you get over the heartbreak. Let me know if I can help.

TAY: Wait… maybe… do you want to DATE ME for a while? We could write a DUET about how it all ended gracefully and with mutual respect, right before I write the B-side about how you are a filthy rotten liar.

ZEF: Tempting, but I’ll pass.

TAY: Oh, right, okay. You JACKHOLE. YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS LYRICALLY.

ZEF: Good luck with that.

Ashley Greene, I Love You, But Attain Class

Ashley Greene, a talented actress with a big career ahead of her, still feels she has to strip to become famous- she posed for Maxim and lounged around the beach naked in body paint for Sports Illustrated Swimsuit. But no, she is not done selling herself: she let her boob greet us on the cover of Allure magazine. It is so sad, Ashley Greene, that you landed her biggest magazine cover by not wearing a bra.

I refuse to post suggestive pictures on my website thank you very much.

Josh Duhamel's Texting Lesson


If Fergie had been with him yesterday, this shit would not have gone down the same way.

So Josh Duhamel, after escorting his wife to the BillBoard Women of the Year event in New York, where she was named the Woman of the Year, then boarded a plane for Kentucky that was delayed. He was texting and refused to stop despite being asked three times, going so far as to deride the flight attendant who kept asking him.

According to TMZ, the flight attendant was not impressed, had the plane turned around, called the cops to come on board and threw him off the flight. Duhamel’s publicist’s response to this?

“He’s sorry.”

I don’t know why people bother fucking around with airline/airport staffers. I see it all the time. Someone starts huffing and puffing about their personal TV system not working, to the point of abuse, and they get shut down by the authorities as soon as the aircraft reaches the gate. Was it worth it?

The last time I was traveling, some asshole was pissed off that he couldn’t get an aisle seat and wasn’t able to check in early online because he doesn’t have a computer. He was spit-yelling at the agent upon check-in, pointing his finger in her face and calling her a bitch. Later on I noticed that he was on my flight. She found him an aisle seat but it was next to the toilet. And this was a plane destined eventually for Australia after a stop in Vancouver. From the look on his face, he knew he was in for a stank. It amazes me even more the people who throw a stink in the security line. Yeah I know there are stringent rules nowadays. But maybe I’m too simplistic. Because the alternative is that my plane might explode. So... please... go ahead and pat me down, it’s all good.

If ever there was a time to swallow your own shit and take it up the ass once in a while and plaster on a smile and be amenable and ask nicely, it’s at the airport and on an aircraft. Those people do not mess. But they are much more patient and accommodating to celebrities. Real ones. They let them hide in the bathroom, they give them extra snacks, they hustle them through security, if of course they know who they are. Even though you aren't actually a douchebag- seriously Josh- you should have put the cell phone away. Or text when the stewardess wasn't looking.

Colin Firth Should Have a Talk Show




Colin Firth and his wife Livia were in Paris last night for the French premiere of The King’s Speech. Have you seen it yet??? YOU SHOULD. I tell you- it will WIN BIG. Because it must, I tell you again. She it. It will make you smarter.

As you know, Firth is, at present, the favorite to win Best Actor. Things can change, anything can change, but there is no question, on this performance he is worthy of it, and on reputation and career accomplishment, he certainly has earned it. So he has both boxes checked over Franco and Eisenberg, said to be his closest competitors.

What I love about Colin is that he’s not so up his own ass that he’d bother pretending that he wouldn’t want it. Of course he wants it. He’s happy his film is being recognized, and he won’t be a dick if he doesn’t win, but he’s not fronting all nonchalant about the possibility either. It’s genuine. And he’s very realistic about the fact that this time, this time of praise, it’s also rather fleeting:

“I am not taking anything for granted. I think if you wish something like this away, all this attention and all these events – dressing up and being around beautiful and elegant people – it’ll be gone soon enough. It’s not guaranteed for life and I think both Livia and I are pretty good at just enjoying it while it lasts. The downs will be back. There’s absolutely no other possibility. You have to really, really enjoy the ¬moment. I’ve had a couple of meaty roles in a row and I certainly do not take that for granted. I don’t know if it’s going to come round again any time soon so it is a wonderful moment.”

Perfect. Not overly profound or descriptive, he is appreciative, he is realistic, he is EXCITED, and it just is.

Colin attributes some of this attitude to what life is at home:

“I do lead a very boring life but family is the secret. But I’m not romanticizing about my family as this wonderful, serene, grounded environment. In fact it’s mayhem. It doesn’t matter how people are reacting to you anywhere else, if you’ve got small children it’s up to you to deal with it and, you know, they are the divas. You can’t say to them, ‘You better behave yourself or I’m going to call my agent’.”

I can actually hear him saying that. If I heard him say that in front of my face I would giggle like a fangirly twit. He’s terribly, terribly funny. In the hot ass way that British men are dryly funny.

Anyway, these quotes are from a good interview with The Mirror. He talks about how he played Bertie, and about how he fell in love with his wife, and about the royal reaction to the film. Not a bad read: http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/news/2011/01/02/colin-firth-says-i-m-no-sex-symbol-115875-22820640/#ixzz1ACBKiwNC

Bertie, of course, had a stammer and the story of his struggle to speak in public is The King’s Speech. In real life though, Helena Bonham Carter says that Colin can’t shut the hell up. In fact, he and Geoffrey Rush both:

"I did find it funny that as soon as the camera was turned on he'd have difficulty speaking [playing a stammerer] but as soon as it's off, honestly, he just talks for Britain! They talk non-stop so it was kind of hard to concentrate. They're both amazing - they should have their own chat show!"
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