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* Deep healing breath, you handsome stoned-out man. Title is from Dollhouse.
* This is not a hiatus-break, but I found a website that made me enormously shouty last night, and it warrants a blog entry. Generally, I like remakes. I do. I have no essential problem with people remaking movies, and even if the remake fails on every imaginable level, it can be an interesting concept. I'm thinking of Gus Van Sant's Psycho, which was so bad as to almost be an art-house win. Remember the part with the cow? That cow haunts me.
And I loved the Dawn of the Dead remake. Is it as good as the original? Haha, of course not. No one compares to Romero. That's not an option. But on its own, it's a fun movie. Remakes can be fun. I'm telling you all this so you'll understand I am not prejudiced against remakes. I am not one of those people who is all, 'HELL NO REMAKES ARE EVIL! BURN THE EVIL!'
But some movies should not be remade. Not because they are 'beyond' being remade, but because the people involved in the remake are so hideously miscast that the idea becomes a parody of itself. Just imagine casting Ashton Kutcher in Citizen Kane. No, really. Think about it.
With all that in mind, here are some remakes coming out that will destroy us all, or at least land some of the more earnest film students in serious therapy.
Remake!Fail
* Akira: Can we stop remaking Japanese movies? Please? We never get them right, and everybody loses. And it's an anime movie. Why does it have be live-action? Someone explain this to me, please? Plus, Leonardo DiCaprio should not be in this movie. He has no place here.
* Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Without Joss Whedon. Which means A) nobody I love desperately will die, thus destroying my faith in the universe, and B) It will probably suck a lot.
* Children of the Corn: This is the first Stephen King remake on this list. It is not the last. I'm sad too.
* Chitty Chitty Bang Bang: Oh dear GOD, NO. Dick Van Dyke is going to shank a bitch. Actually, I'd enjoy that.
* Dallas: There will never be a point to this. We can never aspire to the glorious madness of the show. Don't bother trying.
* Dirty Dancing: Dear Hollywood - There's no Dirty Dancing without Patrick Swayze. KTHNXBAI
* Flight of the Navigator: And let the destruction of my childhood begin in 3....2.....1.....
* Forbidden Planet: If James Cameron does direct this movie (so the rumors go), I expect we will see Forbidden Blue Hair Sex. Look, Avatar was a gorgeous film, but the hair!sex was DISTURBING.
* Footloose: Yeah, Chase Crawford is a pretty little thing, but he is not Kevin Bacon, and he never will be. Actually, can Kevin Bacon reprise his role? I'd pay to see that.
* Hellraiser: WHY? WEREN'T THE DIRECT TO VIDEO SEQUELS HORRIBLE ENOUGH?
* Highlander: I DON'T EVEN I CAN'T WHAT.
* Johnny Bravo: Yes, the cartoon. Yes, it will be live-action. No, I don't want to talk about it. This isn't EXACTLY a movie remake, but is so mind-bogglingly unwise that I put it here anyway.
* The Karate Kid: This makes me insane. Really. WE DO NOT NEED WILL SMITH'S SPAWN TO BE IN MOVIES. And while I love Jackie Chan's old movies, he has become safe and boring, and the ghost of Pat Moribita will rise and EAT HIM FOR THIS.
* Limpet: No one can play Don Knotts. Why would you even try?
* The Man Who Came To Dinner: Dear Everyone - SARAH JESSICA PARKER CANNOT PLAY BETTE DAVIS. For the cheap seats - SARAH JESSICA PARKER CANNOT PLAY BETTE DAVIS. Nothing else is up for debate here. I DO NOT WANT HER TO GET HER CARRIE BRADSHAW ON MY BETTE DAVIS.
* The Naked Jungle: Hey, you know what would be an awesome idea? Let's get the guy who wrote Aeon Flux and directed The Punisher, and have him direct The Naked Jungle, a Charlton Heston movie that survives mainly because it starred Charlton Heston! I don't see HOW this could go wrong, do you?
* The Neverending Story: Yes, because you didn't destroy my childhood enough with the CGI Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that looked like green, well-muscled penises (penii?). Is it true Leonard DiCaprio is going to be in this? I have no beef with him. I don't want him to be a part of this abomination.
* Oldboy: I have a dear friend who has almost totally lost her mind over this. Mainly because Will Smith is in talks to play the lead role. If you have seen the original movie, you understand how profoundly horrifying this casting decision is. If you haven't seen the original, go now. Then try to imagine Will Smith in the lead role. Then get someone to hold you as you sob.
* Pet Sematary: Because remakes of Stephen King novels ALWAYS go SO WELL. Anyway, without the Ramones song to back up this movie, it has no point. Sorry. I speak the truth.
* The Phantom Tollbooth: I am heavily biased because I love the book, and the movie, and I just don't think you're ALLOWED to remake Chuck Jones. I think it's a law, somewhere. My angles are many, my sides are not few. I'm the Dodecahedron, who are you?
* Poltergeist: The clown. OH GOD, THE CLOWN.
* RoboCop: FAIL.
* Rock 'n Roll High School: Who's going to be the band? You know what, it doesn't matter. It will fail. How can you replace the Ramones? You can't. Ergo, you lose.
* The Rocky Horror Picture Show: No. Look, there is one Doctor Frank-N-Furter, and that is Tim Curry. So, yeah. No. I don't know how else to get this across. No. I can type that all day. No.
I will apologize for everything I've said if Tim Roth plays Riff Raff. In my mind.
* Rosemary's Baby: I know Roman Polanski is a bad man, but he is also a great filmmaker. And I keep hearing rumors that Lindsay Lohan wants to star in this. Which makes this remake scary in a way never intended.
* Scanners:
Yeah. That's all.
* A Star Is Born: BEYONCE KNOWLES IS NOT JUDY GARLAND. I AM ARMFLAILING OVER THIS. I HATE EVERYONE WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA. THERE IS NO GOODNESS TO COME FROM THIS. HELL, BEYONCE IS NOT EVEN BETTE MIDLER. THIS IS NEVER GOING TO END WELL. FOR ANYONE.
* Strangers On A Train: ARE THEY REMAKING EVERY HITCHCOCK MOVIE? GET AUNTY LV HER PILLS AND SOME VODKA.
* Straw Dogs: I love James Marsden. I do. He's a good actor, and easy on the eyes. And Alexander Skarsgard is a big hunk of sexy (I miss True Blood). Which is why I want this movie to be good. I DO. But it won't be. Rod Lurie is not Sam Peckinpah. This will all end in tears.
* Suspicion: You are so funny. Will Smith is not Cary Grant. Will Smith will never be Cary Grant. He WISHES he could be Cary Grant, but Cary Grant DEAD could pwn Will Smith. Fact. So let's hope that this whole movie is nothing but vicious rumors, started to make me CRAZY.
And no one can play Joan Fontaine in this movie. STOP ALLOWING HITCHCOCK REMAKES. THEY HURT EVERYONE.
* The Thing: OK, after the remake of The Fog that destroyed several small civilizations, NOBODY IS ALLOWED TO REMAKE JOHN CARPENTER. ESPECIALLY THIS MOVIE.
* They Live: WHAT DID I JUST GET DONE SAYING? Incidentally, I think this movie was shown about ten times during my college career by various professors. It's a good one.
* To Catch A Thief: Haha, you do not remake Alfred Hitchcock. No good comes from that. Hahaha, this is obviously a bad joke. All these Hitchcock remakes are part of an elaborate joke. Good one!
* Vanishing Point: Well, after Hollywood did such a bang-up job remaking Gone in 60 Seconds, I'm sure that their take on Vanishing Point will be flawless. Stick with the original. I want that car. If I can't have my '67 Impala, I will take this car.
And you know that they'll put, like, a wise-ass talking computer voiced by Ben Stiller in the car, and I will die inside.
Remake!Win
* Arthur: I'm sorry, but Russell Brand as Arthur is some brilliant casting. Come on. He's the only guy I can imagine pulling this off.
* The Blob: Rob Zombie is directing this. Yeah, it could be awesome.
* Creature From The Black Lagoon: I am putting a lot of trust in Bill Paxton here. DO NOT SCREW THIS UP. You are on warning.
* Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde: Guillermo del Toro is remaking like, five movies, and I love him enough that I will allow all of these. I am easily manipulated by directors I like.
* The Fly: David Cronenberg is allowed to remake his own movies. Maybe this is why he's allowing Hollywood to desecrate his films? I don't know. But Jeff Goldblum is The Fly, so I will have a hard time with this. Unless Crispin Glover plays the lead. Any movie is improved by Crispin Glover's involvement. It's a fact of life.
* Frankenstein: Also directed by Guillermo del Toro, which is why I have no complaints. And there hasn't been a good Frankenstein movie since Karloff, anyway.
* The Jetsons: Um, since they might cast Jim Carrey as George Jetson, this is going here. Leave me alone.
* The Lone Ranger: Look, it has Johnny Depp in it, and I am not made out of stone, and part of me is going to pretend that this is Terry Gilliam's Don Quixote movie that never got made. That's how my brain works.
* A Nightmare On Elm Street: I want this to be good. I want SO BADLY for this to be good. I mean, it's starring Jackie Earle Haley. You know how I adore him. He's a truly fantastic actor, and I want this to be good. I HAVE HOPE FOR THIS. LET ME BE HOPEFUL, OK? But yeah. Robert Englund is Freddy. This is very problematic.
* Slaughterhouse-Five: It is shocking that this is not under Fail. I'm a bit shocked myself. But you know what? It's being directed by Guillermo del Toro (who is never going to get to Hellboy 3 at this rate, which makes me SAD INSIDE) and if anyone can adapt Kurt Vonnegut, it is him. I have faith in him. DO YOU HEAR ME? I HAVE FAITH. Plus, the original movie was crap.
* Sunset Boulevard: I was fully prepared to rage about this, but Glenn Close is starring in it, and so are Ewan McGregor and Hugh Jackman, and that is enough win that I will give it the benefit of the doubt.
* Total Recall: But this will be moved IMMEDIATELY if I don't like the cast/director. I HAVE POWERS.
* True Grit: THE COEN BROTHERS CAN DO NO WRONG. THE END. (OK, The Ladykillers wasn't very good, but let's not dwell on the negative here.)
* Deep healing breath, you handsome stoned-out man. Title is from Dollhouse.
* This is not a hiatus-break, but I found a website that made me enormously shouty last night, and it warrants a blog entry. Generally, I like remakes. I do. I have no essential problem with people remaking movies, and even if the remake fails on every imaginable level, it can be an interesting concept. I'm thinking of Gus Van Sant's Psycho, which was so bad as to almost be an art-house win. Remember the part with the cow? That cow haunts me.
And I loved the Dawn of the Dead remake. Is it as good as the original? Haha, of course not. No one compares to Romero. That's not an option. But on its own, it's a fun movie. Remakes can be fun. I'm telling you all this so you'll understand I am not prejudiced against remakes. I am not one of those people who is all, 'HELL NO REMAKES ARE EVIL! BURN THE EVIL!'
But some movies should not be remade. Not because they are 'beyond' being remade, but because the people involved in the remake are so hideously miscast that the idea becomes a parody of itself. Just imagine casting Ashton Kutcher in Citizen Kane. No, really. Think about it.
With all that in mind, here are some remakes coming out that will destroy us all, or at least land some of the more earnest film students in serious therapy.
Remake!Fail
* Akira: Can we stop remaking Japanese movies? Please? We never get them right, and everybody loses. And it's an anime movie. Why does it have be live-action? Someone explain this to me, please? Plus, Leonardo DiCaprio should not be in this movie. He has no place here.
* Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Without Joss Whedon. Which means A) nobody I love desperately will die, thus destroying my faith in the universe, and B) It will probably suck a lot.
* Children of the Corn: This is the first Stephen King remake on this list. It is not the last. I'm sad too.
* Chitty Chitty Bang Bang: Oh dear GOD, NO. Dick Van Dyke is going to shank a bitch. Actually, I'd enjoy that.
* Dallas: There will never be a point to this. We can never aspire to the glorious madness of the show. Don't bother trying.
* Dirty Dancing: Dear Hollywood - There's no Dirty Dancing without Patrick Swayze. KTHNXBAI
* Flight of the Navigator: And let the destruction of my childhood begin in 3....2.....1.....
* Forbidden Planet: If James Cameron does direct this movie (so the rumors go), I expect we will see Forbidden Blue Hair Sex. Look, Avatar was a gorgeous film, but the hair!sex was DISTURBING.
* Footloose: Yeah, Chase Crawford is a pretty little thing, but he is not Kevin Bacon, and he never will be. Actually, can Kevin Bacon reprise his role? I'd pay to see that.
* Hellraiser: WHY? WEREN'T THE DIRECT TO VIDEO SEQUELS HORRIBLE ENOUGH?
* Highlander: I DON'T EVEN I CAN'T WHAT.
* Johnny Bravo: Yes, the cartoon. Yes, it will be live-action. No, I don't want to talk about it. This isn't EXACTLY a movie remake, but is so mind-bogglingly unwise that I put it here anyway.
* The Karate Kid: This makes me insane. Really. WE DO NOT NEED WILL SMITH'S SPAWN TO BE IN MOVIES. And while I love Jackie Chan's old movies, he has become safe and boring, and the ghost of Pat Moribita will rise and EAT HIM FOR THIS.
* Limpet: No one can play Don Knotts. Why would you even try?
* The Man Who Came To Dinner: Dear Everyone - SARAH JESSICA PARKER CANNOT PLAY BETTE DAVIS. For the cheap seats - SARAH JESSICA PARKER CANNOT PLAY BETTE DAVIS. Nothing else is up for debate here. I DO NOT WANT HER TO GET HER CARRIE BRADSHAW ON MY BETTE DAVIS.
* The Naked Jungle: Hey, you know what would be an awesome idea? Let's get the guy who wrote Aeon Flux and directed The Punisher, and have him direct The Naked Jungle, a Charlton Heston movie that survives mainly because it starred Charlton Heston! I don't see HOW this could go wrong, do you?
* The Neverending Story: Yes, because you didn't destroy my childhood enough with the CGI Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that looked like green, well-muscled penises (penii?). Is it true Leonard DiCaprio is going to be in this? I have no beef with him. I don't want him to be a part of this abomination.
* Oldboy: I have a dear friend who has almost totally lost her mind over this. Mainly because Will Smith is in talks to play the lead role. If you have seen the original movie, you understand how profoundly horrifying this casting decision is. If you haven't seen the original, go now. Then try to imagine Will Smith in the lead role. Then get someone to hold you as you sob.
* Pet Sematary: Because remakes of Stephen King novels ALWAYS go SO WELL. Anyway, without the Ramones song to back up this movie, it has no point. Sorry. I speak the truth.
* The Phantom Tollbooth: I am heavily biased because I love the book, and the movie, and I just don't think you're ALLOWED to remake Chuck Jones. I think it's a law, somewhere. My angles are many, my sides are not few. I'm the Dodecahedron, who are you?
* Poltergeist: The clown. OH GOD, THE CLOWN.
* RoboCop: FAIL.
* Rock 'n Roll High School: Who's going to be the band? You know what, it doesn't matter. It will fail. How can you replace the Ramones? You can't. Ergo, you lose.
* The Rocky Horror Picture Show: No. Look, there is one Doctor Frank-N-Furter, and that is Tim Curry. So, yeah. No. I don't know how else to get this across. No. I can type that all day. No.
I will apologize for everything I've said if Tim Roth plays Riff Raff. In my mind.
* Rosemary's Baby: I know Roman Polanski is a bad man, but he is also a great filmmaker. And I keep hearing rumors that Lindsay Lohan wants to star in this. Which makes this remake scary in a way never intended.
* Scanners:
Yeah. That's all.
* A Star Is Born: BEYONCE KNOWLES IS NOT JUDY GARLAND. I AM ARMFLAILING OVER THIS. I HATE EVERYONE WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA. THERE IS NO GOODNESS TO COME FROM THIS. HELL, BEYONCE IS NOT EVEN BETTE MIDLER. THIS IS NEVER GOING TO END WELL. FOR ANYONE.
* Strangers On A Train: ARE THEY REMAKING EVERY HITCHCOCK MOVIE? GET AUNTY LV HER PILLS AND SOME VODKA.
* Straw Dogs: I love James Marsden. I do. He's a good actor, and easy on the eyes. And Alexander Skarsgard is a big hunk of sexy (I miss True Blood). Which is why I want this movie to be good. I DO. But it won't be. Rod Lurie is not Sam Peckinpah. This will all end in tears.
* Suspicion: You are so funny. Will Smith is not Cary Grant. Will Smith will never be Cary Grant. He WISHES he could be Cary Grant, but Cary Grant DEAD could pwn Will Smith. Fact. So let's hope that this whole movie is nothing but vicious rumors, started to make me CRAZY.
And no one can play Joan Fontaine in this movie. STOP ALLOWING HITCHCOCK REMAKES. THEY HURT EVERYONE.
* The Thing: OK, after the remake of The Fog that destroyed several small civilizations, NOBODY IS ALLOWED TO REMAKE JOHN CARPENTER. ESPECIALLY THIS MOVIE.
* They Live: WHAT DID I JUST GET DONE SAYING? Incidentally, I think this movie was shown about ten times during my college career by various professors. It's a good one.
* To Catch A Thief: Haha, you do not remake Alfred Hitchcock. No good comes from that. Hahaha, this is obviously a bad joke. All these Hitchcock remakes are part of an elaborate joke. Good one!
* Vanishing Point: Well, after Hollywood did such a bang-up job remaking Gone in 60 Seconds, I'm sure that their take on Vanishing Point will be flawless. Stick with the original. I want that car. If I can't have my '67 Impala, I will take this car.
And you know that they'll put, like, a wise-ass talking computer voiced by Ben Stiller in the car, and I will die inside.
* Videodrome: There are multiple remakes of David Cronenberg films coming out, which leads me to believe that Universal Pictures is holding some of Cronenberg's family members hostage, and we should save them. For those of you fools who have not seen the original, James Woods and Debbie Harry (Blondie) starred in it, and it broke my brain, and it's freaking genius and weird.
I would, however, move this to Remake!Win with the proper director/cast. Like if Crispin Glover played James Woods' role. Actually, that idea makes me so profoundly happy I need to go lie down for an hour.
* The Warriors: I just don't see how this could be remade. I... I don't understand. Who is making these decisions, and how are they not on fire?
* Yellow Submarine: What. The. Fuck. And is Robert Zemeckis going to do that scary thing he did that ruined The Polar Express and A Christmas Carol, because Mr. Zemeckis, THAT IS SCARY AND NOBODY ENJOYS IT BUT YOU.
I would, however, move this to Remake!Win with the proper director/cast. Like if Crispin Glover played James Woods' role. Actually, that idea makes me so profoundly happy I need to go lie down for an hour.
* The Warriors: I just don't see how this could be remade. I... I don't understand. Who is making these decisions, and how are they not on fire?
* Yellow Submarine: What. The. Fuck. And is Robert Zemeckis going to do that scary thing he did that ruined The Polar Express and A Christmas Carol, because Mr. Zemeckis, THAT IS SCARY AND NOBODY ENJOYS IT BUT YOU.
PS The Beatles hate you.
PPSS HOW CAN PEOPLE PLAY THE VOICES OF THE BEATLES?
But, lest we be too negative, let's take a look at a few remakes that have the potential to be brilliant. Yes, there are a few remakes out there that might be *gasp* GOOD. Stop laughing. Or are you crying? It will be OK. Maybe. Look:
Remake!Win
* Arthur: I'm sorry, but Russell Brand as Arthur is some brilliant casting. Come on. He's the only guy I can imagine pulling this off.
* The Blob: Rob Zombie is directing this. Yeah, it could be awesome.
* Creature From The Black Lagoon: I am putting a lot of trust in Bill Paxton here. DO NOT SCREW THIS UP. You are on warning.
* Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde: Guillermo del Toro is remaking like, five movies, and I love him enough that I will allow all of these. I am easily manipulated by directors I like.
* The Fly: David Cronenberg is allowed to remake his own movies. Maybe this is why he's allowing Hollywood to desecrate his films? I don't know. But Jeff Goldblum is The Fly, so I will have a hard time with this. Unless Crispin Glover plays the lead. Any movie is improved by Crispin Glover's involvement. It's a fact of life.
* Frankenstein: Also directed by Guillermo del Toro, which is why I have no complaints. And there hasn't been a good Frankenstein movie since Karloff, anyway.
* The Jetsons: Um, since they might cast Jim Carrey as George Jetson, this is going here. Leave me alone.
* The Lone Ranger: Look, it has Johnny Depp in it, and I am not made out of stone, and part of me is going to pretend that this is Terry Gilliam's Don Quixote movie that never got made. That's how my brain works.
* A Nightmare On Elm Street: I want this to be good. I want SO BADLY for this to be good. I mean, it's starring Jackie Earle Haley. You know how I adore him. He's a truly fantastic actor, and I want this to be good. I HAVE HOPE FOR THIS. LET ME BE HOPEFUL, OK? But yeah. Robert Englund is Freddy. This is very problematic.
* Slaughterhouse-Five: It is shocking that this is not under Fail. I'm a bit shocked myself. But you know what? It's being directed by Guillermo del Toro (who is never going to get to Hellboy 3 at this rate, which makes me SAD INSIDE) and if anyone can adapt Kurt Vonnegut, it is him. I have faith in him. DO YOU HEAR ME? I HAVE FAITH. Plus, the original movie was crap.
* Sunset Boulevard: I was fully prepared to rage about this, but Glenn Close is starring in it, and so are Ewan McGregor and Hugh Jackman, and that is enough win that I will give it the benefit of the doubt.
* Total Recall: But this will be moved IMMEDIATELY if I don't like the cast/director. I HAVE POWERS.
* True Grit: THE COEN BROTHERS CAN DO NO WRONG. THE END. (OK, The Ladykillers wasn't very good, but let's not dwell on the negative here.)
Movies: Taking us to the edge of madness, then usually pushing us off the freaking edge.
- LV
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