Blog* This metaphor still alarms me. Title is from Pushing Daisies.* I know, yesterday I was supposed to post things, but didn't due to real life being a pile of suck. So I apologize. I'm sorry I let down the internets.* If you only read one blog, read my blog, because it has Watchmen stuff. But if you read two blogs, read this blog, because if SkratchPadd Skribbles and Fear & Loathing had a blog baby, that baby would EAT the internets. This is true.Hunter S. Thompson* He gets his own damn category, for a while, to make up for the shame of acting like yesterday was just another day in the universe, when it WASN'T.Here is a video of Dr. Thompson being brilliant and both geeky AND insane and violent, which is hard to pull off, believe you me. Also I like his shirt, and the fact that he would not stop smoking, ever.Plus the interviewer's WTF look is sort of priceless.Books* Turn a bookshelf into a secret passage! Well, you can. I can't. My house isn't designed for secrecy. If I tried this, my secret passage would just lead to the broom closet, which is nowhere NEAR as cool as a secret underground lair. This is the problem with my house. Also the other people. * I am torn between agreeing with this guy that the Hugo Shortlist is sort of disappointing, and wanting him to shut the hell up, because I love everyone nominated for a Hugo this year, and the books as well. It's complicated. Very, very complicated. Because I think that while experimental writing is important, and an essential part of any genre, sometimes the good stories get bypassed for the books that are simply weird to be weird. Personally, I think it's harder to write a good story than use some unusual prose style, but that may be because I don't use unusual prose, because I can't write like that. The point is, some of the books I really and truly love - that passionate love you have for some stories - may be experimental, but by and large it is the story I remember, and the characters I love. So I guess I'm standing behind the Hugo Nominees, in part because Cory Doctorow is a techno-wizard, and Neil Gaiman has a direct line to Alan Moore.Jersey!Fail* My state has problems.
again. Only I'll make mine alcoholic, and silence anyone who dares to talk during the movie, WITH VIOLENCE. Here's a mouthwatering recipe for Cauldron Cakes. Only I want Snape to give them to me. Maybe not Snape - he'd put something nasty in it, then smirk as I writhed on the floor in agony. Send Lupin with some Cauldron Cakes, OK? We could talk books and bond.Ahem. And here is a website that has EVERY FOOD you could want to eat from the books. I want pumpkin pasties (which, for years, I pronounced s Pae-stees, rather than 'pahstees,' and wondered why everyone was laughing. Their butterbeer has alcohol. I may mix this one with the nonalcoholic butterbeer and make SUPER butterbeer, and who will be laughing NOW?Star Trek* My boss has the entire collection of Burger King Star Trek bobbleheads, which is only one of the many reasons why he is my personal hero. I like them better than these, because they don't glow freakily, and part of me is thinking something is wrong with the teleporter, because that's how my brain works sometimes, and also Spock's eyebrows look really done up, don't you think?[Found at NerdApproved]He looks like Boy George in Vulcan form. This alarms me greatly. Do not Want.Doctor Who* For those of you who only watch
for the sex appeal that is David Tennant (and while I cannot blame you, I certainly can judge you), here is a great primer on Time Lords, and his relationship with other Gallifreyans. And it talks a lot about the Second Doctor, who is probably my favorite of the Classic Doctors, because he played a musical instrument and was sneaky, and also Jamie was sort of sexy in his kilt. I'm a complicated woman.Vampires* The idea of a Vampire-Con sounds awesome and fun, until you realize it will be populated by TwiHards covered in sparkly shit (which my brilliant friend informed me is called Booty Dust, and which will be referred to as such forevermore. But you can go, and maybe bring True Blood pride? Celebrity!Fail* I understand your logic behind loving Megan Fox, and I still reject it, because she annoys me. I don't like Scarlet either. These are not the only options. I'm supporting Natalie Portman. Or Malin Ackerman. My choices should not be: Trashy and untalented and dopey, but honest, or Semi-talented and pretentious and ruining Tom Waits and married to Ryan Reynolds. Let's agree to disagree, Gawker.Comics* I'm definitely masochistic, because I keep posting information about the San Diego Comic Con. DOCTOR WHO. I'm OK. I'm FINE. Deep breath. WHY IS EVERYTHING GOOD SO FAR AWAY?! No, really, it's OK. WHAT IF DAVID TENNANT AND JACKIE EARLE HALEY AND JOSS WHEDON HANG OUT AND I MISS IT? AND THEY NEED A SHORT YOUNG WOMAN TO BE THEIR ASSISTANT? OH GOD OH GOD. I'm back, I'm fine. So, we were talking about movies, yes?Daily Hot Guy[Ewan McGregor, who is going to be in a movie with Jim Carrey, who I also find attractive, so long as he's not talking. Jim Carrey, not Ewan McGregor. Ewan can talk AND sing, and he's charming and has boss tattoos]People I Love* This weekend, after seeing Watchmen: The Director's Cut, my friend and I got into a heated debate about Russell Brand. My dear friend, who also gets the super-sexy of Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach, was rather disgusted by my unwavering attraction to Mr. Brand. The following exchange took place:Her: Have you seen his HAIR?Me: It's like a nest of sexy.Her: No, it's a nest of FILTH.Me: And I want to curl up in it and live there forever.This video of Mr. Brand is for you, Aye. Learn to love the hair.Remake!Fail* You know how some remakes sound bad, but they might turn out good, just because? Like Dawn of the Dead, which I was violently against, until I saw it and realized that Zack Snyder is the messiah of Awesome? Or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which I liked better than Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, because it stuck much closer to the book and didn't have the Terrifying Tunnel Scene? Well, this remake has no chance of being good, at all, ever, forever and ever. They're remaking Straw Dogs. Yeah. Here's why this is Not OK:- Dustin Hoffman is being replaced with James Marsden. And I like James Marsden. Don't laugh, but I thought he was brilliant in Enchanted, even if he DOES look uncannily like my ex-boyfriend, only not stoned. But casting James Marsden in the role of Dustin Hoffman shows you do not GET the point of Straw Dogs, as the article I linked to excellently points out.- Kate Bosworth as his wife. No, no. She just grates on my nerves. I mean, she is wan and pale and never seems happy to be in the movies she's in. Also she was a bitch to.... JAMES MARSDEN in Superman Returns, which saddened me. Not as much as the whole movie did, but Kevin Spacey was badass, so I forgive its existence. Suffice it to say, she is replacing Susan George, who was able to perfectly balance the intensity of the role, and gave a devastating performance. Kate Bosworth was in Blue Crush. I'm just saying.- Alexander Skarsgard plays Rapey McRaperson. OK, that was in vile taste, but if you've seen the movie you know it's not inaccurate. It's intense. And I LOVE Skarsgard on True Blood, where he is the fiercest vampire bitch ever, and True Blood is on tonight I just realized, thus giving Sunday a reason to exist. And I don't think he'll be BAD, per se. Even though the idea of him as a former football star clashes horribly with the idea of him boredly watching Lafayette hump his furniture, but that's my problem. The point is, I do not want him involved with this.- Director Rod Lurie. The best movies you've directed so far are The Contender, which was ISSUE-FILLED, and The Last Castle, which was better than expected, but that is FAINT PRAISE INDEED. You've also directed several movies I've never seen. THIS is the resume you offer to direct Straw Dogs? Sam Peckinpah directed The Wild Bunch. YOU directed Resurrecting The Champ, which had Teri Hatcher and Josh Hartnett, and managed to make me briefly ashamed of Alan Alda, which is NEVER OK. In conclusion, I don't think I'm overreacting.Depression Session* This is the worst news since I learned that sleeping kills you and soda can cause your muscles to stop working. There is a Slim Jim shortage in America. People, PEOPLE! Do not panic. That is what the terrorists want. We are strong, and we will get through this. Here's what we're going to do: We are going to calmly head to the nearest deli/7-11/vender of such products, and buy out their Slim Jim supplies. We are all on rations, now. Guard them carefully.Haha, I am kidding of course. We don't need Slim Jims! I don't even like - DON'T OPEN THAT CLOSET. I am the ONLY ONE who can snap into a Slim Jim! Hahaha, um, may I offer you a vegan cookie?TeeVee* I take it back, THIS is the worst news ever in the history of television. The joy you have over Futurama coming back to TV? Get ready to have it crushed under the steel heel of the Boot of Fail: They are recasting the voices. Because of the salaries. I have so much rage, and I don't know where to begin. - Matt Groening and David Cohen: TAKE SOME OF THE MONEY FROM THE SIMPSONS. NANCY CARTWRIGHT IS BUYING SCIENTOLOGY, SHE CAN SPARE A FEW BUCKS.- The Cast: WHY HAS THOU FORSAKEN ME?- The Universe: Well played, you sick bastardSeriously, we need to start a collection. Voice Sound Alikes NEVER work. This is not OK. NO ONE CAN PLAY BENDER BUT JOHN DiMAGGIO. IT'S IN THE BIBLE. Plus, according to the internet, he's doing voice-work for the cancer-causing show, Penguins of Madagascar, so he CLEARLY is willing to settle. This has ruined the day. Matt Groening, it is with a heavy heart that I dub you with FAIL.Journalism* I don't dislike The New Republic AT ALL, or Andrew Sullivan, its former editor, for the most part. I disagree with both from time to time, as I disagree with everyone and everything, but I don't think TNR is run by insane assholes, or malicious lunatics, or morons. Also I know some people working for them, and they are good writers who check their sources. And Andrew Sullivan spread that hysterical rumor about Sarah Palin, even if it was in poor taste, and he likes the Pet Shop Boys.THAT BEING SAID, Andrew Sullivan, please don't say that we should all blog for free. I already blog for free. Really, I make no money doing this. I do it because it's fun and I love it, and because I have a lot of yelling in me. You get paid to blog. That is fine. I do not resent that. But the writing industry is having enough problems without you FURTHER disparaging bloggers, who have become the community toilet of the publishing world. And might I add, Mr. Sullivan, that you are a successful author/editor/blogger who makes monies? I am sitting in my parents' kitchen in my pajamas, drinking my fifth cup of coffee and yelling at the news. Blogging is not glamorous. Soon they'll start CHARGING us, and then I will be sad. It's a glorious, sunny day. I have nothing to do. Ergo, I am going to put on a sexy dress and some killer shoes, and go cause some trouble. I'm thinking, maybe train the neighborhood kids on zombie fighting techniques? You're never too early to learn how to slaughter the undead.- LV
Police in central New Jersey say they arrested a man on burglary charges after he returned to the victim's house to apologize.Despite what you think, this is not a good thing. You don't get points for apologizing for robbing someone. You get points for NOT ROBBING them. You LOSE points for trying to be a smooth criminal AND a moral person.It's something in the water. Which is why I live entirely off of coffee, seltzer, and diet soda.Harry Potter* Do you want to cook Harry Potter food? Well, why the HELL NOT? Have you SEEN those feasts? Damn, man. And I want Butterbeer. Desperately. Butterscotch may be the most perfect food ever. I would drink that ALL DAY LONG. Then die from sugar poisoning, or a heart attack, or some other punishment for being to happy. Here are recipes for Butterbeer, Pumpkin juice, and treacle fudge. I should make butterbeer, put it in a thermos, and go see
again. Only I'll make mine alcoholic, and silence anyone who dares to talk during the movie, WITH VIOLENCE. Here's a mouthwatering recipe for Cauldron Cakes. Only I want Snape to give them to me. Maybe not Snape - he'd put something nasty in it, then smirk as I writhed on the floor in agony. Send Lupin with some Cauldron Cakes, OK? We could talk books and bond.Ahem. And here is a website that has EVERY FOOD you could want to eat from the books. I want pumpkin pasties (which, for years, I pronounced s Pae-stees, rather than 'pahstees,' and wondered why everyone was laughing. Their butterbeer has alcohol. I may mix this one with the nonalcoholic butterbeer and make SUPER butterbeer, and who will be laughing NOW?Star Trek* My boss has the entire collection of Burger King Star Trek bobbleheads, which is only one of the many reasons why he is my personal hero. I like them better than these, because they don't glow freakily, and part of me is thinking something is wrong with the teleporter, because that's how my brain works sometimes, and also Spock's eyebrows look really done up, don't you think?[Found at NerdApproved]He looks like Boy George in Vulcan form. This alarms me greatly. Do not Want.Doctor Who* For those of you who only watch
for the sex appeal that is David Tennant (and while I cannot blame you, I certainly can judge you), here is a great primer on Time Lords, and his relationship with other Gallifreyans. And it talks a lot about the Second Doctor, who is probably my favorite of the Classic Doctors, because he played a musical instrument and was sneaky, and also Jamie was sort of sexy in his kilt. I'm a complicated woman.Vampires* The idea of a Vampire-Con sounds awesome and fun, until you realize it will be populated by TwiHards covered in sparkly shit (which my brilliant friend informed me is called Booty Dust, and which will be referred to as such forevermore. But you can go, and maybe bring True Blood pride? Celebrity!Fail* I understand your logic behind loving Megan Fox, and I still reject it, because she annoys me. I don't like Scarlet either. These are not the only options. I'm supporting Natalie Portman. Or Malin Ackerman. My choices should not be: Trashy and untalented and dopey, but honest, or Semi-talented and pretentious and ruining Tom Waits and married to Ryan Reynolds. Let's agree to disagree, Gawker.Comics* I'm definitely masochistic, because I keep posting information about the San Diego Comic Con. DOCTOR WHO. I'm OK. I'm FINE. Deep breath. WHY IS EVERYTHING GOOD SO FAR AWAY?! No, really, it's OK. WHAT IF DAVID TENNANT AND JACKIE EARLE HALEY AND JOSS WHEDON HANG OUT AND I MISS IT? AND THEY NEED A SHORT YOUNG WOMAN TO BE THEIR ASSISTANT? OH GOD OH GOD. I'm back, I'm fine. So, we were talking about movies, yes?Daily Hot Guy[Ewan McGregor, who is going to be in a movie with Jim Carrey, who I also find attractive, so long as he's not talking. Jim Carrey, not Ewan McGregor. Ewan can talk AND sing, and he's charming and has boss tattoos]People I Love* This weekend, after seeing Watchmen: The Director's Cut, my friend and I got into a heated debate about Russell Brand. My dear friend, who also gets the super-sexy of Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach, was rather disgusted by my unwavering attraction to Mr. Brand. The following exchange took place:Her: Have you seen his HAIR?Me: It's like a nest of sexy.Her: No, it's a nest of FILTH.Me: And I want to curl up in it and live there forever.This video of Mr. Brand is for you, Aye. Learn to love the hair.Remake!Fail* You know how some remakes sound bad, but they might turn out good, just because? Like Dawn of the Dead, which I was violently against, until I saw it and realized that Zack Snyder is the messiah of Awesome? Or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which I liked better than Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, because it stuck much closer to the book and didn't have the Terrifying Tunnel Scene? Well, this remake has no chance of being good, at all, ever, forever and ever. They're remaking Straw Dogs. Yeah. Here's why this is Not OK:- Dustin Hoffman is being replaced with James Marsden. And I like James Marsden. Don't laugh, but I thought he was brilliant in Enchanted, even if he DOES look uncannily like my ex-boyfriend, only not stoned. But casting James Marsden in the role of Dustin Hoffman shows you do not GET the point of Straw Dogs, as the article I linked to excellently points out.- Kate Bosworth as his wife. No, no. She just grates on my nerves. I mean, she is wan and pale and never seems happy to be in the movies she's in. Also she was a bitch to.... JAMES MARSDEN in Superman Returns, which saddened me. Not as much as the whole movie did, but Kevin Spacey was badass, so I forgive its existence. Suffice it to say, she is replacing Susan George, who was able to perfectly balance the intensity of the role, and gave a devastating performance. Kate Bosworth was in Blue Crush. I'm just saying.- Alexander Skarsgard plays Rapey McRaperson. OK, that was in vile taste, but if you've seen the movie you know it's not inaccurate. It's intense. And I LOVE Skarsgard on True Blood, where he is the fiercest vampire bitch ever, and True Blood is on tonight I just realized, thus giving Sunday a reason to exist. And I don't think he'll be BAD, per se. Even though the idea of him as a former football star clashes horribly with the idea of him boredly watching Lafayette hump his furniture, but that's my problem. The point is, I do not want him involved with this.- Director Rod Lurie. The best movies you've directed so far are The Contender, which was ISSUE-FILLED, and The Last Castle, which was better than expected, but that is FAINT PRAISE INDEED. You've also directed several movies I've never seen. THIS is the resume you offer to direct Straw Dogs? Sam Peckinpah directed The Wild Bunch. YOU directed Resurrecting The Champ, which had Teri Hatcher and Josh Hartnett, and managed to make me briefly ashamed of Alan Alda, which is NEVER OK. In conclusion, I don't think I'm overreacting.Depression Session* This is the worst news since I learned that sleeping kills you and soda can cause your muscles to stop working. There is a Slim Jim shortage in America. People, PEOPLE! Do not panic. That is what the terrorists want. We are strong, and we will get through this. Here's what we're going to do: We are going to calmly head to the nearest deli/7-11/vender of such products, and buy out their Slim Jim supplies. We are all on rations, now. Guard them carefully.Haha, I am kidding of course. We don't need Slim Jims! I don't even like - DON'T OPEN THAT CLOSET. I am the ONLY ONE who can snap into a Slim Jim! Hahaha, um, may I offer you a vegan cookie?TeeVee* I take it back, THIS is the worst news ever in the history of television. The joy you have over Futurama coming back to TV? Get ready to have it crushed under the steel heel of the Boot of Fail: They are recasting the voices. Because of the salaries. I have so much rage, and I don't know where to begin. - Matt Groening and David Cohen: TAKE SOME OF THE MONEY FROM THE SIMPSONS. NANCY CARTWRIGHT IS BUYING SCIENTOLOGY, SHE CAN SPARE A FEW BUCKS.- The Cast: WHY HAS THOU FORSAKEN ME?- The Universe: Well played, you sick bastardSeriously, we need to start a collection. Voice Sound Alikes NEVER work. This is not OK. NO ONE CAN PLAY BENDER BUT JOHN DiMAGGIO. IT'S IN THE BIBLE. Plus, according to the internet, he's doing voice-work for the cancer-causing show, Penguins of Madagascar, so he CLEARLY is willing to settle. This has ruined the day. Matt Groening, it is with a heavy heart that I dub you with FAIL.Journalism* I don't dislike The New Republic AT ALL, or Andrew Sullivan, its former editor, for the most part. I disagree with both from time to time, as I disagree with everyone and everything, but I don't think TNR is run by insane assholes, or malicious lunatics, or morons. Also I know some people working for them, and they are good writers who check their sources. And Andrew Sullivan spread that hysterical rumor about Sarah Palin, even if it was in poor taste, and he likes the Pet Shop Boys.THAT BEING SAID, Andrew Sullivan, please don't say that we should all blog for free. I already blog for free. Really, I make no money doing this. I do it because it's fun and I love it, and because I have a lot of yelling in me. You get paid to blog. That is fine. I do not resent that. But the writing industry is having enough problems without you FURTHER disparaging bloggers, who have become the community toilet of the publishing world. And might I add, Mr. Sullivan, that you are a successful author/editor/blogger who makes monies? I am sitting in my parents' kitchen in my pajamas, drinking my fifth cup of coffee and yelling at the news. Blogging is not glamorous. Soon they'll start CHARGING us, and then I will be sad. It's a glorious, sunny day. I have nothing to do. Ergo, I am going to put on a sexy dress and some killer shoes, and go cause some trouble. I'm thinking, maybe train the neighborhood kids on zombie fighting techniques? You're never too early to learn how to slaughter the undead.- LV
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