Watchmen Quotes

Warning, per usual: Possible spoilers, go out and buy the damn comic, it will make your silly little life much better.

"Waiting for a flash of enlightment in all this blood and thunder."

"Away down alley, heard woman scream, first bubbling note of city's evening chorus. Approached disturbance. Attempted rape/mugging/both. Cleared throat. The man turned and there was something rewarding in his eyes. Sometimes, the night is generous to me."

"For my own part, regret nothing. Have lived life, free from compromise… and step into the shadow now without complaint."

"Heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says 'Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.' Man bursts into tears. Says 'But Doctor... I am Pagliacci.'"

"I shall go and tell the indestructible man that someone plans to murder him."

"Paid last respects quietly, without fuss. Edward Morgan Blake. Born 1924, forty-five years a Comedian, died 1985, buried in the rain. Is that what happens to us? A life of conflict with no time for friends… so that when it's done, only our enemies leave roses."

"There is good and there is evil, and evil must be punished. Even in the face of Armageddon I shall not compromise in this."

"On Friday night, a Comedian died in New York. Someone threw him out of a window and when he hit the sidewalk his head was driven up into his stomach. Nobody cares. Nobody cares but me."

"This city is dying of rabies. Is the best I can do to wipe random flecks of foam from its lips?"

"Beneath me, this awful city, it screams like an abattoir full of retarded children. New York. Somebody knows why. Down there... somebody knows. The dusk reeks of fornication and bad consciences. I believe I shall take my exercise."

"No, I don't mind being the smartest man in the world. I just wish it wasn't this one."

"I did the right thing, didn't I? It all worked out in the end."
"'In the end'? Nothing ends, Adrian. Nothing EVER ends."

"This world's smartest man means no more to me than does its smartest termite."

"Rorschach...? Rorschach, wait! Where are you going? This is too big to be hard-assed about! We have to compromise!"
"No. Not even in the face of Armageddon. NEVER COMPROMISE."

"Don't worry. Won't insult legendary underworld solidarity by suggesting you surrender name without torture."

"You lousy little Bastard! I'll tear your goddamned heart out! You're dead, you unnerstand? Dead! We got a jail full of guys out here who hate your guts. What in hell do you got?"
[Grabbing his arms] "Your hands. My Perspective."

"Give me smallest finger on man's hand. I'll produce information. Computer unnecessary."

"I looked at the Rorschach blot. I tried to pretend it looked like a spreading tree, shadows pooled beneath it, but it didn’t. It looked more like a dead cat I once found, the fat, glistening grubs writhing blindly, squirming over each other, frantically tunneling away from the light. But even that is avoiding the real horror. The horror is this: In the end, it is simply a picture of empty meaningless blackness. We are alone. There is nothing else."

"There. Did what had to be done. Can leave now."

"Stood in firelight, sweltering. Bloodstain on chest like map of violent new continent. Felt cleansed. Felt dark planet turn under my feet and knew what cats know that makes them scream like babies in night.
Looked at sky through smoke heavy with human fat and God was not there. The cold, suffocating dark goes on forever and we are alone. Live our lives, lacking anything better to do. Devise reason later. Born from oblivion; bear children, hell-bound as ourselves, go into oblivion. There is nothing else.
Existence is random. Has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long. No meaning save what we choose to impose. This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It’s us. Only us. Streets stank of fire. The void breathed hard on my heart, turning its illusions to ice, shattering them. Was reborn then, free to scrawl own design on this morally blank world. Was Rorschach. Does that answer your Questions, Doctor?"

"It was Kovacs who said 'Mother' then, muffled under latex. It was Kovacs who closed his eyes. It was Rorschach who opened them again."

"Hey, you remember that guy? The one who pretended to be a supervillain so he could get beaten up?"
"Oh, You mean Captain Carnage. Ha ha ha! He was one for the books."
"You're telling me! I remember, I caught him coming out of this jeweller's. I didn't know what his racket was. I start hitting him and I think 'Jeez! He's breathing funny! Does he have asthma?'"
"Ha Ha Ha. He tried that with me, only I'd heard about him, so I just walked away. He follows me down the street… broad daylight, right? He's saying 'PUNISH me!' I'm saying 'No! Get lost!'"
"Ha Ha Ha. What ever happened to him?"
"Well, he pulled it on Rorschach, and Rorschach dropped him down an elevator shaft."

"You keep calling me Walter. I don't like you."

"Hello, Rorsach. How are you today?"
"In prison. Yourself?"

"Maybe this was a political killing?"
"Maybe. Or maybe someone's picking off costumed heroes."
"Um. Don't you think that's maybe a little paranoid?"
"That's what they're saying about me now? That I'm paranoid?"

"A live body and a dead body contain the same number of particles. Structurally, there's no discernible difference. Life and death are unquantifiable abstracts. Why should I be concerned?"

"Ruh. Ror. Ror. Rorschach! Har Har How are ya doin', fella?"
"I'm fine, Happy Harry. Yourself?"
"Fine! I'm fuh, I'm fine! And I'm, and I'm, and I'm glad you're fine too! And uh, and uh... Oh God. Please don't kill anybody."

"Used to come here often, back when we were partners."
"Oh. Uh, yeah... yeah, those were great times, Rorschach. Great times. Whatever happened to them?"
"You quit."

"As they dragged him away, Kovacs spoke to the other inmates. He said 'None of you understand. I'm not locked up in here with you. YOU'RE locked up in here with ME'."

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The Skittering Of Roaches Will Haunt Me Forever

Saw my first roach in months (well, weeks) last night. Caught it with the infamous blue Roach Cup, flushed it, sprayed roach killer, and this morning I used this roach-killing caulk on a few places where the regular caulk has come away from the walls.

Just felt like sharing. Going to take a shower, get coffee, and buy HARRY POTTER & THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX before work starts. Huzzah for geeky obsessions! I haven't seen this movie; I only recently fell off the 'indifferent to HARRY' wagon and cracked my skull open.

Anyway. Going to post WATCHMEN comic quotes now, because they are poetry, and I have a crush on Rorschach. Don't judge me, I'm funny.

May K-Mart have caulk and my DVD, or I'm gonna light the fucker up and burn it down.
- LV

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Transmetropolitan Quotes

Warning: If your brain explodes and your eyeballs bleed from reading these, it's not my fault. Airtight logic.

"You want to go out to dinner sometime?"
"Sorry, no. I'm married, not hungry, infected with seven unknown diseases, gay, pregnant with lizards and clinically dead."
"'Sorry, no' would have done all on it's own, you know."
"Just making sure."

"I'm giving up the memory of a truly legendary bowel movement for you. I had to kill it with a shovel, you know."

"Journalism is just a gun. It's only got one bullet in it, but if you aim right, that's all you need. Aim it right, and you can blow a kneecap off the world..."

"I don't have to put up with this shabby crap! I'm a journalist!"

"I was having a mildly paranoid day, mostly due to the fact that the mad priest lady from over the river had taken to nailing weasels to my front door again."

"I am so incredibly bored that I will buy a pair of your ridiculous shoes. Look GRATEFUL."

"There's one hole in every revolution, large or small. And it's one word long.. people. No matter how big the idea they all stand under, people are small and weak and cheap and frightened. It's people that kill every revolution."

"If you loved me, you'd all kill yourselves today."

"CPD are still trying to talk TV cook Della Kent off the roof of the Amitri building after the columnist's savage critique of her grasp of New Zealand cuisine."

"Do not offend the Chair Leg of Truth; it is wise and terrible."

"I mean, why develop intergalactic travel technology just to stick a prong up your rectum? There are other ways of making 'contact,' aren't there?"

"This morning I found a lump in my left testicle that sings 'Twinkle twinkle little star' over and over.."

"You want to know about voting. I'm here to tell you about voting. Imagine you're locked in a huge underground night-club filled with sinners, whores, freaks and unnameable things that rape pitbulls for fun. And you ain't allowed out until you all vote on what you're going to do tonight. You like to put your feet up and watch 'Republican Party Reservation.' They like to have sex with normal people using knives, guns, and brand new sexual organs you did not even know existed. So you vote for television, and everyone else, as far as your eye can see, votes to fuck you with switchblades. That's voting. You're welcome."

"When asked about the column by our correspondent, Jerusalem Laughed, shat in the camera and threw dog carcasses to an admiring audience."

"Your cat has once again urinated out of bounds and has received educational electric shock to the offending organ as per your instructions."

"Mind walking through here, sir?"
"What if I say yes?"
"Then we shoot you with a taser and have your internal cavities searched by surgeons. Sometimes they're all fucked up on crack when they do the searches."

"My job is to keep the majority of people in this country alive. That's it. If fifty-one percent eat a meal tomorrow and forty-nine percent don't, I've done my job."

"Your first deadline's tomorrow. I want to see eight thousand words. Printable words. I still remember that essay you wrote when the Beast got elected. I do not want to see the word 'fuck' typed eight thousand times again."

"You're dangerous with a phone. Remember what you did when you were alone with a phone in Prague? Remember how many people died?"

"No! Fucking no! I don't want to be famous again! You miserable toad-screwing shit-sucking father-raping..."
"Hey. Get some perspective. I've just made you thousands of dollars, Spider."
"Grandmother's corpse-fucking ass-tick-infested-monkey-come-drinking - How many thousands?

"The boy's weird, Channon. You should trade him in. Or sell him for salvage."
"Yeah, right. Take advice on relationships from a man whose ex-wife won't come out of cryonic freeze until he's dead..."
"Who told you that?"
"You did."
PAUSE
"Silence. I am watching television."

"So this Zealot comes to my door, all glazed eyes and clean reproductive organs, asking me if I ever think about God. So I tell him I killed God. I tracked God down like a rabid dog, hacked off his legs with a hedge trimmer, raped him with a corncob, and boiled off his corpse in an acid bath. So he pulls an alternating-current taser on me and tells me that only the Official Serbian Church of Tesla can save my polyphase intrinsic electric field, known to non-engineers as 'the soul.' So I hit him. What would you do?"

"I've discounted suicide in favor of killing everyone else in the world instead."

"I'm sticky, Yelena. That means something-"
"NOTHING HAPPENED. NOTHING AT ALL."
"Something happened to make me sticky, Yelena. Either I was raped by a jar of clear honey or -"
"NOTHING."

"Hi. I'm Spider Jerusalem. I smoke. I take drugs. I drink. I wash every six weeks. I masturbate constantly and fling my steaming poison semen down from my window into your hair and food. I'm a rich and respected columnist for a major metropolitan newspaper. I live with two beautiful women in the city's most expensive and select community. Being a bastard WORKS."

"Silence, vermin! I am in command here! Who did you vote for, vermin woman? Did you vote? Can you read? Have you got thumbs? SHOW ME YOUR FUCKING THUMBS!

"I have had a vision. It has been revealed to me by the secret chiefs of the world that I am sexier than Buddha and harder than Jesus. I cannot die."

"Waiter! I'll have another bottle of Chilean Merlot, the raspberry pavlova, ten minutes of oral sex, and an ambulance, please."

"Right. When I say 'Run like fuck and commit assault on a police officer several times,' run like fuck and commit assault on a police officer several times."

"No family. No girlfriend. No friends. No love. No hope. No point. And Santa Claus is DEAD! I KILLED HIM! I KILLED HIM WITH THIS! [Grabs crotch] And I left his stinking corpse in an underground cavern where it is raped by hundreds of toxic-effluent-crazed gila monsters every second of every DAY!"
"Six thousand traumatized children taken to hospital after Jerusalem interview - TV station claims force majeure - Jerusalem's editor still unavailable for comment..."

"Yesterday, here in the middle of the City, I saw a wolf turn into a Russian ex-gymnast and hand over a business card that read YOUR OWN PERSONAL TRANSHUMAN SECURITY WHORE! STERILIZED INNARDS! ACCEPTS ALL CREDIT CARDS to a large man who wore trained attack cancers on his face and possessed seventy-five indentured Komodo Dragons instead of legs. And they had sex. Right in front of me. And six of the Komodo Dragons spat napalm on my new shoes."

"So why do I have to put up with this shabby crap on my front doorstep? Now my beautiful new apartment stinks of wet fur and burning dragon spit, and I think one of the cancers mated with the doormat. It keeps cursing at me in a thick Mexican accent. I may have to have it shot."

"He was locked up for breaking into old people's homes and performing exorcisms on the inmates. Which is funny, because I know for a fact that his therapist recommended that as an alternative to digging up dead people and fucking their bones."

"Royce. Your challenge was ignorant and filthy, but I accept it anyway, on condition that I get a raise, and an expense account for weaponry and the use of your wife."

"Bullshit. I've been hit harder than that before. I've had people from Scotland thrown at me before, for Christ's sake."

"And someone seems to have stolen the world. I always knew that would happen. That'll teach them to not listen to me. I tried to tell them OHHH NO. Of course, I was naked at the time. Which obviously distracted them. In the church."

"I can hear Radio Free Europe in my head bones. I have many headbones."

"Did you ever want to set someone's head on fire, just to see what it looked like? Did you ever stand in the street and think to yourself, I could make that nun go blind just by giving her a kiss? Did you ever lay out plans for stitching babies and stray cats into a Perfect New Human? Did you ever stand naked surrounded by people who want your gleaming sperm, squirting frankincense, soma, and testosterone from every pore? If so, then you're the bastard who stole my drugs Friday night. And I'll find you. Oh, yes."

"Spider Jerusalem: more famous than Jesus, better-dressed than Santa Claus, wouldn't be seen dead on a cross and has never been caught up a chimney. So I deserve your money more."

"Who was Hitler?"
"Rock star. He was in Led Zeppelin. Fucked goats and wrote the old national anthem. Blew up Auckland in the Blitz."

"I think he's going to try and get someone to read the tattoo on his penis again. He's convinced it reads READ MY SCRIPTURE: I WILL NEVER ABANDON THE CITY I LOVE but everyone forced to see it claims that it says RAT, and even then only if you squat and give the wrinkle the benefit of the doubt."

"The chair leg of truth does not lie!"

"SPKF Newsfeed hacked by activists, replaced by footage of six female English terrorists being raped and killed in Dublin - 85% of audience notice no difference from usual SPKF feed."

"No one touch that dog! I'm having that for my fucking dinner!"

"Pollsters are reporting record low turnout this election day, with yet more people bemoaning the continued necessity to actually physically drag your fucking carcass to a polling station to vote."

"Have gone to commit suicide. Intend to return from grave Friday. Feed cat."

"...An unsettling moment at the presidential inauguration when the new president appeared to speak in tongues for a full minute; 'Just a cough,' says advisor Schact..."

"Sometimes, I can do nothing but stand in constant winter, trying to remember what life is like without all of you."

"That's what a monoculture is. It's everywhere, and it's all the same. And it takes up alien cultures and digests them and shits them out in a homogenous building-block shape that fits seamlessly into the vast blank wall of the monoculture. This is the future. This is what we built. This is what we wanted. It must have been. Because we all had the fucking choice, didn't we? It is only our money that allows commercial culture to flower. If we didn't want to live like this, we could have changed it any time, by not fucking paying for it. So lets celebrate by all going out and buying the same burger."

"I want to eat a swan. Is that wrong of me? I can't find anyone who'll sell me a swanburger."

"My grandfather had died, and my mother was trying to explain it to me... Grandpa isn't coming back? No, she said. Not ever again... And I remember saying, hold everything right fucking there. You went to all the trouble of conceiving me, and giving birth to me, and raising me and clothing me and all... and you make me cry and things hurt so much and disappointments crush my heart every day and I can't do half the things I want to and sometimes I just want to scream - and what I've got to look forward to is my body breaking and something flipping off the switch in my head - I go through all this, and then there's death? What is the motherfucking deal here? I wasn't having this. This was not fair."

"Spider, you look like someone nailed a bat to your throat."

I love me some quotes. This will become a regular thing. To quote Spider Jerusalem, "You're welcome."
- LV

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Staring At The Ceiling Loses Its Appeal In The Second Hour

Although my dear friend Esse recently posted a brilliantly funny entry on the trials and tribulations of an insomniac, I'd like to offer my own humble musings on a topic currently dear to my heart.

I have been lying in bed for nigh on two hours, doing all the things you're supposed to do to fall asleep. And yet I am awake. What is more, I feel exhausted, yet more awake than I did all day.

I don't know how it is for other people, but it almost always takes me at least an hour to fall asleep. This isn't helped by the fact that I simply cannot sleep without my TV on [muted, but still flickering obnoxiously], because for some reason I have decided that if the TV is on, roaches will not bother me. This theory has been proved false several times, but I simply don't feel safe going to sleep on the dark.

My mind wanders in weird and disturbing circles at this hour. I worry about everything: my date on Wednesday, past dates, things I can't remember but probably should, sending text messages, rent, the fact that my bedside clock is still an hour fast because it seems like too much work to change it, my messy apartment, going to the gym, my friends, what I had for dinner, my bank balance, how many cigarettes I have left, work and so on.

Then I begin to ponder Deep Questions, with an intensity that implies I must make come up with an answer immediately: should I go to graduate school? What do I want to do with my life? Do I want to have children? Do I want to have a relationship? Should I chuck everything, move to England, and try my luck in another time zone? Should I move? Should I stay? Should I follow my instincts, which usually lead me horribly wrong, or be perpetually uncomfortable but doing what is considered 'right' by myself as well as others? Do I watch the news enough to make an informed opinion, or are all my reactions knee-jerk? Trust me, at 3 AM, these questions seem immensely important.

Note: If you have any answers to any of the above questions, please post me a reply. Like, now. I need to get some fucking sleep.

I'm not tired enough to sleep, but I'm too tired to read, put on a movie, or smoke a cigarette. This is exhausting me. My thumb is asleep, but not my brain. That's just cruel and twisted.

Forgive me a moment of pure angst, but, to quote the deity-like Warren Ellis' orgasmic TRANSMETROPOLITAN, "Sometimes I want to be someone else so much it hurts." That's my angsty moment for the day.

FYI, I just spen nearly forty minutes looking for that quote, because I didn't want to paraphrase it. I think that really sums up my personality.

I'm going to go look up more Spider Jerusalem quotes now. TRANSMETROPOLITAN is a wallbanging bastard sent from heaven to skullfuck the sense back into us. Or something.
- LV

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I Am A Cranky Little Monkey

I've just been feeling crappy and cranky all weekend, which was not a lot of fun for my long-suffering friends. They were very understanding of my inexplicable shittiness, despite the fact that I wanted to punch myself more than once. Oh well, I'll blame it on the weather. Damn global warming!

* CRACKER: Such a good show. British crime shows kick American crime shows in their tiny little nuts. But it's a liitle weird for me to see Robbie Coltrane curse, smoke, drink, and fuck. I mean, he's Hagrid from HARRY POTTER. He is the epitome of good-natured innocence. He's also frigging tiny, but then again in comparison to his obscene tallness in HARRY POTTER, anyone would seem petite. I could probably bite him on the kneecap if I stood on my toes. And Christopher Eccelston! OMFGWTFBBQ! And such. He's brilliant, and so young. OK, here's a SPOILER, so don't read this if for some reason you haven't seen the show, and want to. OK? SPOILER. So don't get pissy if I ruin something for you. Go to the next bit. Anyway, for those few still reading, his death scene is the most heartbreaking thing ever. It's so long, and physically painful to watch. I covered my eyes and had to force myself to watch. And of course Robert Carlyle is the one who did him in. Interesting side-note: Eccleston was in 28 DAYS LATER..., and Carlyle was in 28 WEEKS LATER... Maybe I'm the only one who finds that interesting.

* RESCUE DAWN: Werner Herzog for president. Seriously. He would save people from car crashes, dodge bullets, and make ass-kicking movies, all while bringing about world peace. He'd get my vote. That being said, my favorite characters ALWAYS die. Always. Forever. Why am I drawn to people who are doomed? This seems like something I should discuss in therapy, or possibly in a nice padded room away from sharp objects.

* I bought a shitload of books this week, because we got that huge glorious discount at work. I bought David Thewlis' book, pretty much solely because he was a genius in NAKED and the HARRY POTTER films. I also bought BROTHER ODD, and another book whose title is too long for me to remember.

* It was SANTA CON yesterday. Hundreds of people dressed up as Saint Nick, drinking and yelling all fucking day. I saw a lot of very confused children, and some truly spectacular vomiting. Olympic-quality hurling. The holidays are indeed magical.

That's all for now. I'm still in a bad mood, and I think that falling asleep [relatively] early while watching IRON CHEF may be the cure.

May Santa not ralph on your shoes.
- LV

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There Are Dead Mice Outside My Apartment

And I have no idea why. They look like they were mushed. It's kind of gross. Tiny mushy mouse bodies make Elle sad. And a little nauseous.

I don't really have anything to say, I just don't want to leave for work just yet. Yes, I am back at the Evil Corporate Bookstore after having spectacularly quit barely a week ago. I shame myself and others. Last night I watched AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE, and found myself laughing out loud. Never seem to get tired of it.

This week at work all employees get a massive discount, and I am buying accordingly. Which is a bit of a problem, considering my lack of cashflow. Also went to the STRAND today and bought a book, despite the best efforts of my friend Kay to curb my rampant book-buying compulsion. I may buy something today, then nothing else for a while. After all, ORDER OF THE PHOENIX comes out on Tuesday, and I need to buy it (along with the first and fourth movies, but let's not get into that right now).

One last thing: the new Will Christopher Baer book was SUPPOSED to come out last month. It didn't, and it's release date hasn't been updated. I am very, very annoyed by this, and need to find out who to complain to. For those of you ignorant of his genius, go buy the PHINEAS POE collection. So good. Like a love letter dipped in blood and acid, only not as wet or smelly.

OK, now I'm late.

May your Thursday be pleasant, and may the dead mice cease to exist outside my door.
- LV

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Reports Of My Death Were Greatly Exaggerated

Yes, I am alive and... well, alive.

Lots of stuff to report, but I'm not sure I want to go into any of it. Most of it is either tragic or depressing or dull. And nobody wants that, do we? So a few random notes.

* Mitch Huckabee running for the Presidential Nomination. I keep thinking, "I Heart Huckabee" and giggling like an ass. He should use that as his slogan. I wouldn't vote for him, but I'd still find it funny.

* SWEENEY TODD! Oh. My. God. You've got Johnny Depp, Alan Rickman, Sacha Baron Cohen, and Helena Bonham Carter. You've got Tim Burton. You've got SINGING. Well, that's actually kind of worrisome. But I trust these people, and I'm going to see it, and I'm going to love it no matter how bad it may be. I have decided I love this movie. Deal with it.

* WATCHMEN stills look orgasmic. I want to cuddle them. WHY is it going to be another year until I get to see this movie? Yes, I'm worried it will be vile and destroy my tenuous faith in the film industry, plunging me into a deep well of despair and endless whining. But if it's good, it's going to be really, really good. Epic goodness could be around the corner.

* HARRY POTTER: So obsessed. Ashamed of my obsession, but loving every humiliating minute. December 11th is when ORDER OF THE PHOENIX comes out, the only one I have yet to see. Yes, I'm going to buy it. Love it all so much. And I was so defiantly proud of NOT being one of those people. I have eaten my words several times over, and made my apologies to the appropriate sources.

* ENCHANTED was really, really good. I went to see it solely to have something to mock, and I left with a big idiotic grin of pure enjoyment on my usually vacant face. It was just so much fun. I want Amy Adams to be my best friend forever. I didn't even hate the dude from GREY'S ANATOMY.

* Going to dinner tonight with AMY GOODMAN of DEMOCRACY NOW. Long story how this happened, and I don't feel like telling it. Should be interesting.

* Netflix is my soulmate.

May I update more regularly, and may life start to make more sense than it has these past few weeks. And may all the movies I want to see be glorious goodness, and all the people I don't like get really itchy dry skin.
- LV

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