Warning: If your brain explodes and your eyeballs bleed from reading these, it's not my fault. Airtight logic.
"You want to go out to dinner sometime?"
"Sorry, no. I'm married, not hungry, infected with seven unknown diseases, gay, pregnant with lizards and clinically dead."
"'Sorry, no' would have done all on it's own, you know."
"Just making sure."
"I'm giving up the memory of a truly legendary bowel movement for you. I had to kill it with a shovel, you know."
"Journalism is just a gun. It's only got one bullet in it, but if you aim right, that's all you need. Aim it right, and you can blow a kneecap off the world..."
"I don't have to put up with this shabby crap! I'm a journalist!"
"I was having a mildly paranoid day, mostly due to the fact that the mad priest lady from over the river had taken to nailing weasels to my front door again."
"I am so incredibly bored that I will buy a pair of your ridiculous shoes. Look GRATEFUL."
"There's one hole in every revolution, large or small. And it's one word long.. people. No matter how big the idea they all stand under, people are small and weak and cheap and frightened. It's people that kill every revolution."
"If you loved me, you'd all kill yourselves today."
"CPD are still trying to talk TV cook Della Kent off the roof of the Amitri building after the columnist's savage critique of her grasp of New Zealand cuisine."
"Do not offend the Chair Leg of Truth; it is wise and terrible."
"I mean, why develop intergalactic travel technology just to stick a prong up your rectum? There are other ways of making 'contact,' aren't there?"
"This morning I found a lump in my left testicle that sings 'Twinkle twinkle little star' over and over.."
"You want to know about voting. I'm here to tell you about voting. Imagine you're locked in a huge underground night-club filled with sinners, whores, freaks and unnameable things that rape pitbulls for fun. And you ain't allowed out until you all vote on what you're going to do tonight. You like to put your feet up and watch 'Republican Party Reservation.' They like to have sex with normal people using knives, guns, and brand new sexual organs you did not even know existed. So you vote for television, and everyone else, as far as your eye can see, votes to fuck you with switchblades. That's voting. You're welcome."
"When asked about the column by our correspondent, Jerusalem Laughed, shat in the camera and threw dog carcasses to an admiring audience."
"Your cat has once again urinated out of bounds and has received educational electric shock to the offending organ as per your instructions."
"Mind walking through here, sir?"
"What if I say yes?"
"Then we shoot you with a taser and have your internal cavities searched by surgeons. Sometimes they're all fucked up on crack when they do the searches."
"My job is to keep the majority of people in this country alive. That's it. If fifty-one percent eat a meal tomorrow and forty-nine percent don't, I've done my job."
"Your first deadline's tomorrow. I want to see eight thousand words. Printable words. I still remember that essay you wrote when the Beast got elected. I do not want to see the word 'fuck' typed eight thousand times again."
"You're dangerous with a phone. Remember what you did when you were alone with a phone in Prague? Remember how many people died?"
"No! Fucking no! I don't want to be famous again! You miserable toad-screwing shit-sucking father-raping..."
"Hey. Get some perspective. I've just made you thousands of dollars, Spider."
"Grandmother's corpse-fucking ass-tick-infested-monkey-come-drinking - How many thousands?
"The boy's weird, Channon. You should trade him in. Or sell him for salvage."
"Yeah, right. Take advice on relationships from a man whose ex-wife won't come out of cryonic freeze until he's dead..."
"Who told you that?"
"You did."
PAUSE
"Silence. I am watching television."
"So this Zealot comes to my door, all glazed eyes and clean reproductive organs, asking me if I ever think about God. So I tell him I killed God. I tracked God down like a rabid dog, hacked off his legs with a hedge trimmer, raped him with a corncob, and boiled off his corpse in an acid bath. So he pulls an alternating-current taser on me and tells me that only the Official Serbian Church of Tesla can save my polyphase intrinsic electric field, known to non-engineers as 'the soul.' So I hit him. What would you do?"
"I've discounted suicide in favor of killing everyone else in the world instead."
"I'm sticky, Yelena. That means something-"
"NOTHING HAPPENED. NOTHING AT ALL."
"Something happened to make me sticky, Yelena. Either I was raped by a jar of clear honey or -"
"NOTHING."
"Hi. I'm Spider Jerusalem. I smoke. I take drugs. I drink. I wash every six weeks. I masturbate constantly and fling my steaming poison semen down from my window into your hair and food. I'm a rich and respected columnist for a major metropolitan newspaper. I live with two beautiful women in the city's most expensive and select community. Being a bastard WORKS."
"Silence, vermin! I am in command here! Who did you vote for, vermin woman? Did you vote? Can you read? Have you got thumbs? SHOW ME YOUR FUCKING THUMBS!
"I have had a vision. It has been revealed to me by the secret chiefs of the world that I am sexier than Buddha and harder than Jesus. I cannot die."
"Waiter! I'll have another bottle of Chilean Merlot, the raspberry pavlova, ten minutes of oral sex, and an ambulance, please."
"Right. When I say 'Run like fuck and commit assault on a police officer several times,' run like fuck and commit assault on a police officer several times."
"No family. No girlfriend. No friends. No love. No hope. No point. And Santa Claus is DEAD! I KILLED HIM! I KILLED HIM WITH THIS! [Grabs crotch] And I left his stinking corpse in an underground cavern where it is raped by hundreds of toxic-effluent-crazed gila monsters every second of every DAY!"
"Six thousand traumatized children taken to hospital after Jerusalem interview - TV station claims force majeure - Jerusalem's editor still unavailable for comment..."
"Yesterday, here in the middle of the City, I saw a wolf turn into a Russian ex-gymnast and hand over a business card that read YOUR OWN PERSONAL TRANSHUMAN SECURITY WHORE! STERILIZED INNARDS! ACCEPTS ALL CREDIT CARDS to a large man who wore trained attack cancers on his face and possessed seventy-five indentured Komodo Dragons instead of legs. And they had sex. Right in front of me. And six of the Komodo Dragons spat napalm on my new shoes."
"So why do I have to put up with this shabby crap on my front doorstep? Now my beautiful new apartment stinks of wet fur and burning dragon spit, and I think one of the cancers mated with the doormat. It keeps cursing at me in a thick Mexican accent. I may have to have it shot."
"He was locked up for breaking into old people's homes and performing exorcisms on the inmates. Which is funny, because I know for a fact that his therapist recommended that as an alternative to digging up dead people and fucking their bones."
"Royce. Your challenge was ignorant and filthy, but I accept it anyway, on condition that I get a raise, and an expense account for weaponry and the use of your wife."
"Bullshit. I've been hit harder than that before. I've had people from Scotland thrown at me before, for Christ's sake."
"And someone seems to have stolen the world. I always knew that would happen. That'll teach them to not listen to me. I tried to tell them OHHH NO. Of course, I was naked at the time. Which obviously distracted them. In the church."
"I can hear Radio Free Europe in my head bones. I have many headbones."
"Did you ever want to set someone's head on fire, just to see what it looked like? Did you ever stand in the street and think to yourself, I could make that nun go blind just by giving her a kiss? Did you ever lay out plans for stitching babies and stray cats into a Perfect New Human? Did you ever stand naked surrounded by people who want your gleaming sperm, squirting frankincense, soma, and testosterone from every pore? If so, then you're the bastard who stole my drugs Friday night. And I'll find you. Oh, yes."
"Spider Jerusalem: more famous than Jesus, better-dressed than Santa Claus, wouldn't be seen dead on a cross and has never been caught up a chimney. So I deserve your money more."
"Who was Hitler?"
"Rock star. He was in Led Zeppelin. Fucked goats and wrote the old national anthem. Blew up Auckland in the Blitz."
"I think he's going to try and get someone to read the tattoo on his penis again. He's convinced it reads READ MY SCRIPTURE: I WILL NEVER ABANDON THE CITY I LOVE but everyone forced to see it claims that it says RAT, and even then only if you squat and give the wrinkle the benefit of the doubt."
"The chair leg of truth does not lie!"
"SPKF Newsfeed hacked by activists, replaced by footage of six female English terrorists being raped and killed in Dublin - 85% of audience notice no difference from usual SPKF feed."
"No one touch that dog! I'm having that for my fucking dinner!"
"Pollsters are reporting record low turnout this election day, with yet more people bemoaning the continued necessity to actually physically drag your fucking carcass to a polling station to vote."
"Have gone to commit suicide. Intend to return from grave Friday. Feed cat."
"...An unsettling moment at the presidential inauguration when the new president appeared to speak in tongues for a full minute; 'Just a cough,' says advisor Schact..."
"Sometimes, I can do nothing but stand in constant winter, trying to remember what life is like without all of you."
"That's what a monoculture is. It's everywhere, and it's all the same. And it takes up alien cultures and digests them and shits them out in a homogenous building-block shape that fits seamlessly into the vast blank wall of the monoculture. This is the future. This is what we built. This is what we wanted. It must have been. Because we all had the fucking choice, didn't we? It is only our money that allows commercial culture to flower. If we didn't want to live like this, we could have changed it any time, by not fucking paying for it. So lets celebrate by all going out and buying the same burger."
"I want to eat a swan. Is that wrong of me? I can't find anyone who'll sell me a swanburger."
"My grandfather had died, and my mother was trying to explain it to me... Grandpa isn't coming back? No, she said. Not ever again... And I remember saying, hold everything right fucking there. You went to all the trouble of conceiving me, and giving birth to me, and raising me and clothing me and all... and you make me cry and things hurt so much and disappointments crush my heart every day and I can't do half the things I want to and sometimes I just want to scream - and what I've got to look forward to is my body breaking and something flipping off the switch in my head - I go through all this, and then there's death? What is the motherfucking deal here? I wasn't having this. This was not fair."
"Spider, you look like someone nailed a bat to your throat."
I love me some quotes. This will become a regular thing. To quote Spider Jerusalem, "You're welcome."
- LV
"You want to go out to dinner sometime?"
"Sorry, no. I'm married, not hungry, infected with seven unknown diseases, gay, pregnant with lizards and clinically dead."
"'Sorry, no' would have done all on it's own, you know."
"Just making sure."
"I'm giving up the memory of a truly legendary bowel movement for you. I had to kill it with a shovel, you know."
"Journalism is just a gun. It's only got one bullet in it, but if you aim right, that's all you need. Aim it right, and you can blow a kneecap off the world..."
"I don't have to put up with this shabby crap! I'm a journalist!"
"I was having a mildly paranoid day, mostly due to the fact that the mad priest lady from over the river had taken to nailing weasels to my front door again."
"I am so incredibly bored that I will buy a pair of your ridiculous shoes. Look GRATEFUL."
"There's one hole in every revolution, large or small. And it's one word long.. people. No matter how big the idea they all stand under, people are small and weak and cheap and frightened. It's people that kill every revolution."
"If you loved me, you'd all kill yourselves today."
"CPD are still trying to talk TV cook Della Kent off the roof of the Amitri building after the columnist's savage critique of her grasp of New Zealand cuisine."
"Do not offend the Chair Leg of Truth; it is wise and terrible."
"I mean, why develop intergalactic travel technology just to stick a prong up your rectum? There are other ways of making 'contact,' aren't there?"
"This morning I found a lump in my left testicle that sings 'Twinkle twinkle little star' over and over.."
"You want to know about voting. I'm here to tell you about voting. Imagine you're locked in a huge underground night-club filled with sinners, whores, freaks and unnameable things that rape pitbulls for fun. And you ain't allowed out until you all vote on what you're going to do tonight. You like to put your feet up and watch 'Republican Party Reservation.' They like to have sex with normal people using knives, guns, and brand new sexual organs you did not even know existed. So you vote for television, and everyone else, as far as your eye can see, votes to fuck you with switchblades. That's voting. You're welcome."
"When asked about the column by our correspondent, Jerusalem Laughed, shat in the camera and threw dog carcasses to an admiring audience."
"Your cat has once again urinated out of bounds and has received educational electric shock to the offending organ as per your instructions."
"Mind walking through here, sir?"
"What if I say yes?"
"Then we shoot you with a taser and have your internal cavities searched by surgeons. Sometimes they're all fucked up on crack when they do the searches."
"My job is to keep the majority of people in this country alive. That's it. If fifty-one percent eat a meal tomorrow and forty-nine percent don't, I've done my job."
"Your first deadline's tomorrow. I want to see eight thousand words. Printable words. I still remember that essay you wrote when the Beast got elected. I do not want to see the word 'fuck' typed eight thousand times again."
"You're dangerous with a phone. Remember what you did when you were alone with a phone in Prague? Remember how many people died?"
"No! Fucking no! I don't want to be famous again! You miserable toad-screwing shit-sucking father-raping..."
"Hey. Get some perspective. I've just made you thousands of dollars, Spider."
"Grandmother's corpse-fucking ass-tick-infested-monkey-come-drinking - How many thousands?
"The boy's weird, Channon. You should trade him in. Or sell him for salvage."
"Yeah, right. Take advice on relationships from a man whose ex-wife won't come out of cryonic freeze until he's dead..."
"Who told you that?"
"You did."
PAUSE
"Silence. I am watching television."
"So this Zealot comes to my door, all glazed eyes and clean reproductive organs, asking me if I ever think about God. So I tell him I killed God. I tracked God down like a rabid dog, hacked off his legs with a hedge trimmer, raped him with a corncob, and boiled off his corpse in an acid bath. So he pulls an alternating-current taser on me and tells me that only the Official Serbian Church of Tesla can save my polyphase intrinsic electric field, known to non-engineers as 'the soul.' So I hit him. What would you do?"
"I've discounted suicide in favor of killing everyone else in the world instead."
"I'm sticky, Yelena. That means something-"
"NOTHING HAPPENED. NOTHING AT ALL."
"Something happened to make me sticky, Yelena. Either I was raped by a jar of clear honey or -"
"NOTHING."
"Hi. I'm Spider Jerusalem. I smoke. I take drugs. I drink. I wash every six weeks. I masturbate constantly and fling my steaming poison semen down from my window into your hair and food. I'm a rich and respected columnist for a major metropolitan newspaper. I live with two beautiful women in the city's most expensive and select community. Being a bastard WORKS."
"Silence, vermin! I am in command here! Who did you vote for, vermin woman? Did you vote? Can you read? Have you got thumbs? SHOW ME YOUR FUCKING THUMBS!
"I have had a vision. It has been revealed to me by the secret chiefs of the world that I am sexier than Buddha and harder than Jesus. I cannot die."
"Waiter! I'll have another bottle of Chilean Merlot, the raspberry pavlova, ten minutes of oral sex, and an ambulance, please."
"Right. When I say 'Run like fuck and commit assault on a police officer several times,' run like fuck and commit assault on a police officer several times."
"No family. No girlfriend. No friends. No love. No hope. No point. And Santa Claus is DEAD! I KILLED HIM! I KILLED HIM WITH THIS! [Grabs crotch] And I left his stinking corpse in an underground cavern where it is raped by hundreds of toxic-effluent-crazed gila monsters every second of every DAY!"
"Six thousand traumatized children taken to hospital after Jerusalem interview - TV station claims force majeure - Jerusalem's editor still unavailable for comment..."
"Yesterday, here in the middle of the City, I saw a wolf turn into a Russian ex-gymnast and hand over a business card that read YOUR OWN PERSONAL TRANSHUMAN SECURITY WHORE! STERILIZED INNARDS! ACCEPTS ALL CREDIT CARDS to a large man who wore trained attack cancers on his face and possessed seventy-five indentured Komodo Dragons instead of legs. And they had sex. Right in front of me. And six of the Komodo Dragons spat napalm on my new shoes."
"So why do I have to put up with this shabby crap on my front doorstep? Now my beautiful new apartment stinks of wet fur and burning dragon spit, and I think one of the cancers mated with the doormat. It keeps cursing at me in a thick Mexican accent. I may have to have it shot."
"He was locked up for breaking into old people's homes and performing exorcisms on the inmates. Which is funny, because I know for a fact that his therapist recommended that as an alternative to digging up dead people and fucking their bones."
"Royce. Your challenge was ignorant and filthy, but I accept it anyway, on condition that I get a raise, and an expense account for weaponry and the use of your wife."
"Bullshit. I've been hit harder than that before. I've had people from Scotland thrown at me before, for Christ's sake."
"And someone seems to have stolen the world. I always knew that would happen. That'll teach them to not listen to me. I tried to tell them OHHH NO. Of course, I was naked at the time. Which obviously distracted them. In the church."
"I can hear Radio Free Europe in my head bones. I have many headbones."
"Did you ever want to set someone's head on fire, just to see what it looked like? Did you ever stand in the street and think to yourself, I could make that nun go blind just by giving her a kiss? Did you ever lay out plans for stitching babies and stray cats into a Perfect New Human? Did you ever stand naked surrounded by people who want your gleaming sperm, squirting frankincense, soma, and testosterone from every pore? If so, then you're the bastard who stole my drugs Friday night. And I'll find you. Oh, yes."
"Spider Jerusalem: more famous than Jesus, better-dressed than Santa Claus, wouldn't be seen dead on a cross and has never been caught up a chimney. So I deserve your money more."
"Who was Hitler?"
"Rock star. He was in Led Zeppelin. Fucked goats and wrote the old national anthem. Blew up Auckland in the Blitz."
"I think he's going to try and get someone to read the tattoo on his penis again. He's convinced it reads READ MY SCRIPTURE: I WILL NEVER ABANDON THE CITY I LOVE but everyone forced to see it claims that it says RAT, and even then only if you squat and give the wrinkle the benefit of the doubt."
"The chair leg of truth does not lie!"
"SPKF Newsfeed hacked by activists, replaced by footage of six female English terrorists being raped and killed in Dublin - 85% of audience notice no difference from usual SPKF feed."
"No one touch that dog! I'm having that for my fucking dinner!"
"Pollsters are reporting record low turnout this election day, with yet more people bemoaning the continued necessity to actually physically drag your fucking carcass to a polling station to vote."
"Have gone to commit suicide. Intend to return from grave Friday. Feed cat."
"...An unsettling moment at the presidential inauguration when the new president appeared to speak in tongues for a full minute; 'Just a cough,' says advisor Schact..."
"Sometimes, I can do nothing but stand in constant winter, trying to remember what life is like without all of you."
"That's what a monoculture is. It's everywhere, and it's all the same. And it takes up alien cultures and digests them and shits them out in a homogenous building-block shape that fits seamlessly into the vast blank wall of the monoculture. This is the future. This is what we built. This is what we wanted. It must have been. Because we all had the fucking choice, didn't we? It is only our money that allows commercial culture to flower. If we didn't want to live like this, we could have changed it any time, by not fucking paying for it. So lets celebrate by all going out and buying the same burger."
"I want to eat a swan. Is that wrong of me? I can't find anyone who'll sell me a swanburger."
"My grandfather had died, and my mother was trying to explain it to me... Grandpa isn't coming back? No, she said. Not ever again... And I remember saying, hold everything right fucking there. You went to all the trouble of conceiving me, and giving birth to me, and raising me and clothing me and all... and you make me cry and things hurt so much and disappointments crush my heart every day and I can't do half the things I want to and sometimes I just want to scream - and what I've got to look forward to is my body breaking and something flipping off the switch in my head - I go through all this, and then there's death? What is the motherfucking deal here? I wasn't having this. This was not fair."
"Spider, you look like someone nailed a bat to your throat."
I love me some quotes. This will become a regular thing. To quote Spider Jerusalem, "You're welcome."
- LV
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