Suddenly Unemployment & Dire Poverty Are Looking Fun

I just spent 7 1/2 hours in corporate orientation; I am exhausted, in that way you can only get when you've spent a long time being incredibly bored.

Here's what I learned:
* Shoplifting is bad and wrong. Because the company suffers. And the company is GOD. Prostrate yourself before the company.
* Customer service is imporant. Be the customer's friend. Debase yourself if necessary. Cuddle them. It's all about the sale.
* It's really all about the membership. If you do not convince a person to sign up for a membership, you are a hollow shell of the human condition.
* Smile like you're about to rip out the customer's jugular. It puts them at ease.
* No matter what your personal opinion on a subject, you have to help the customer to the full extent of your abilities. So I have to be polite when some shit-licker asks for an Ann Coulter book. I should probably say 'poop sampler.'

Everyone was really nice, to be honest. But everything was so ridiculous and stupid. I worked for four years in retail; I know how to work a cash register. Especially when the buttons are fucking LABELLED.

Anyway. I got paid for today, so that's OK. And I work tomorrow. My first real shift. Should be... interesting. My boss is hot.

David Cross is really funny. He is the man I should marry, realistically. A dorky, angry, smart dude.

Extras is a brilliantly funny show. But it is sometimes physically uncomfortable to watch. There were times when I had my eyes covered, and was saying, "Please shut up, just shut up, please stop." But every second is worth the pain. The glorious pain. Patrick Stewart was my favorite so far. I just got season two from Netflix.

I'm in a conscious coma. It's awesome.
- LV

moreless

My Cell Phone Is A Crappy Piece Of Crap

Today was one of the rare days where I was industrious and fantastic. You should all be very proud.

I caulked my apartment tonight! Or rather, my wonderful friend Kay caulked my apartment, and I smoothed it with the nifty fun smoother thing. We didn't get to finish, unfortunately, because we ran out of caulking stuff. [Note: Kay says 'caulk' like a normal person, stressing the 'elle' sound. I say caulk the way a person from Boston would refer to the male reproductive organ.]

I have the work orientation thing tomorrow. Nine to five. Learning codes and shit so I can work the computers. I'm quite nervous, and don't really want to go. I dealt with this by bouncing off the walls all night like a cat on crack and giggling in a very unnerving way as I looked at pictures of Hugh Laurie, while my long-suffering friends Kay and Esse tried to watch West Wing.

My sleep schedule has been permanently fucked up by sitting up all night convinced the roach army is going to carry me away to their underground lair and crawl on me. I have trouble falling asleep, and even more getting up. I should be asleep right now. Then I might have a chance in HELL of getting up when I'm supposed to tomorrow. And since I can't/don't drink coffee anymore, I'll be dragging my sorry carcass around all day. Then I'll probably see my manager, who I think is totally adorable, and say something/stupid/incoherent/frightening, and not only will I be fired, but a nice, cute guy will think I'm a very weird girl.

Finished season one of Heroes. I want Christopher fucking Eccleston to come back. WHY does he only go on shows for a season, make me fall in love with him, then VANISH?! Plus, he was only in five episodes of Heroes. And now he's doing that fucking kid's movie, The Seeker. He makes me sad sometimes. Anyone know anything about New Orleans, Mon Amour?

Hunter S. Thompson was on the cover of Rolling Stone. My dad sent me a copy, which was tragically the highlight of my day. It's really, really good shit. And there are all these books about him coming out! Which I can't afford right now, so it's actually a depressing statement that in no way deserves an exclamation point.

I downloaded the new Foo Fighters album today. Haven't listened yet. Hopefully it won't suck.

This caulk had better keep the roaches out.
- LV

moreless

Technology Makes My Eyes Bleed

I'm on Technorati now! I'm a real blogger - all grown up. I'm also number 2,515,283. That's kind of depressing. Can over two and half million people really be that much more interesting than me? Probably, yeah. But damn it, I will not let people who might be better than me reap rewards I selfishly want! Wow, that was remarkably pretentious. I frighten myself.

Ugly Bettly was on tonight. Finally. And it was one of the most fucked up episodes ever. Seriously, this is a week of damaged, mind-fucking TV. I'm almost done with the Heroes DVDs, which is as diseased a show as I have ever seen. Gloriously sick. House was - well, he was House, and it was House. That's to be expected. I'm prepared emotionally for that show to screw with my head. But Ugly Betty? Suffice it to say, the episode was inarguably briliantly shot and the acting blew my small and shallow mind. It was also devastating. I'm a weeper. I cry at everything on TV/in movies/in books. But this was just heartbreaking.

SPOILER FOR SEASON PREMIERE OF UGLY BETTY:
Santos died. I knew he died. There was no way Hilda would be that completely shattered if he was just injured. But the show decided to fuck with its loyal viewers. The whole episode shows Hilda and Santos - injured, but very much alive - sitting in her bedroom. They talk. She shows him her wedding dress. He reads her his vows. And then Betty walks in, and finds her sister alone in a dark room. It was completely shocking. Even though I was sure Santos was dead, I believed everything was OK. Instead, the writers took a really bold risk, and it paid off exponentially. And Eric Mabius, who plays Daniel Meade, deserves massive praise for his performance in this episode. Sitting at his sister's bedside, his face completely falls apart. It's an honest, intense moment that makes you want to hug strangers. Or maybe just me. And Henry's back! Amazing episode. This season will rule.

Easter Promises: First off, Viggo Mortensen has never been one of those guys I freak out over. I think he's an amazing actor, and I enjoy his work, but he's never reduced me to a drooling puddle of idiocy. Admittedly, he's pretty fucking hot in this movie. The man looks good in a suit. This has nothing to do with the movie. Just felt like mentioning it.

Naomi Watts does little more than allow Mortensen to play off of her. That in no way undermines her own performance. She's excellent, and you feel for the character. But Mortensen owns this movie. Much like A History Of Violence, this is his movie. All other aspects fade under his awe-inspiring work. He and Cronenberg make ass-kicking cinema.

And, because I am weird like this, I must mention the nakedness. Mortensen is totally naked for several long, long minutes. But, since it's a Cronenberg movie, it's a totally twisted scene, so the nudity isn't exactly pornorific. Cronenberg likes to do that. He takes a normal scene, and skullfucks it until you don't trust anything anymore. David Cronenberg rocks my socks. Cronenberg for President '08. Hey, imagine the ads. Eastern Promises gets four stars out of five.

That's all for the moment. Go add me on Technorati. Please? In return I'll... do something. I don't know. Answer questions about the deep mysteries of the universe. Or bring you cookies. From the store.
- LV

moreless

Heroes Heroes Heroes - A New Fixation For The Girl Who Already Has Way Too Many [And Some Other Stuff Too]

Why the fuck am I still awake? This is obscene. I came home specifically to go to bed EARLY. I start my job next week. The stock of the evil corporation I'll be working for will sharply decline if people start finding drool on their books. Unless they like that, but that would be gross and disturbing.

Anyway. I know I'm late to the game [I always fall in love with TV shows after the fact, since I only recently got TV], but Heroes. Damn. I just cried like a baby. Granted, it's late and I'm a bit loopy, but that in no way detracts from the awesomeness of the show.

I do have one issue: there are so many fucking characters on this show that you can go a whole episode or two without seeing your favorite character. At all. Also, if you miss one episode, you are fucked for the rest of the series, which is probably why the network opted to show episodes on their website. I missed the season premiere, which is OK since I'm still finishing up season one. But seriously. I am a convert. I apologize for ever doubting the amazing glory of this show. Everyone else was right.

Oh, and WHAT THE FUCK? The DOCTOR is on on Heroes? Those of you who don't watch Doctor Who and therefore probably think I'm having some sort of episode, feel free to skip to the next paragraph. The rest of you, WHAT THE FUCK?! Christopher Eccleston, a man I have lusted after ever since fucking Shallow Grave, was on Heroes?! WHY was I not informed of this fact? And why do I feel like someone told me, I flipped out, then completely forgot? The DOCTOR was on AMERICAN TV? And, most importantly, WHERE DID HE GO? Will he be in Season Two? Nine is STILL the bestest Doctor ever, even though I like Ten very much. And all of them, actually. I'm digressing big time. And delving into levels of creepy fandom that alarm even me, so let's move on.

They filmed a scene from the new Sex & The City movie right by where I live. Which is pretty cool - or would be, if my former roommate hadn't watched that show so often that I can probably never watch an episode again.

It's so hot in New York. Global warming is fucking with my favorite season. Now it's personal. And now I don't care again.

Tyra Banks is insane. My least favorite girl was kicked off America's Next Top Model tonight [don't judge me - it's a guilty pleasure and I am fine with that], and I was a bit too maliciously gleeful. She was evil. At one point I screamed at the TV, "You took an elephant pill of Prozac rectally for breakfast!" She was aggressively perky.

Flashdance was as bad as I thought it would be. My dear friend Kay made me watch it for the first time tonight, and my eyes are still bleeding a bit. This film was brought to us by two of the most mysogynistic men in Hollywood. Did they spit on Jennifer Beals between scenes?

And finally, why the everloving fuck is Donald Trump being interviewed about potential presidential candidates? Not only is he an unmitigated ass with epically bad hair, but more importantly he has no idea what the fuck he's talking about. Which is fine. Nobody does, and celebrities talk about politics all the time without annoying me too much. But this was on CNN for fuck's sake. It was a whole segment. That's a little, um, EXCESSIVE, don't you think? And for some reason everyone acts like he has a fucking clue. Like we should REGARD his opinion, because he's such a freaking intellectual. If he wants to spout is pretentious idiocy, that's totally fine. But don't treat him like his opinions have any more validity than the homeless crackhead who steals my garbage.

A man dressed up in a waffle outfit is on my TV. I think it's time to go to bed.
- LV

Edit: I was just shutting down my computer when I realized I have something like 87 pictures of Hunter S. Thompson on my computer. That's weird. But if it's wrong to have dozens of pictures of a crazed dead journalist who was older than your father when he died, then I don't want to be right.

moreless

Like Sands Through The Hourglass, So Are The Days Of Our Lives. Or Something.

I know, I know. I suck. I haven't posted in a while. Nobody seems particularly devastated, but I still have been remiss in my blogging duties.

But I have news, and thoughts, so you shall not leave empty-handed! Well, OK, you WILL leave this site empty-handed, but think how much richer your intellectual landscape will be. Think about it.

* I have a job. It's minimum wage, and retail, but who cares? I have a job! I am employed - a productive member of society contributing to the glorious wealth and prosperity of our nation. It's a chain bookstore. I will be a cashier/floor person thingy. I am a cog in the machinery of corporate America. But I get a discount on books, and a paycheck. Expect many, many updates involving work. I start next week. This Saturday I have a training program. I wonder if I get paid.

* 3:10 To Yuma: SO. FUCKING. GOOD. Westerns rule. I've been a Western junkie ever since I saw the Lonesome Dove mini-series when I was a little kid. I love Westerns. And Westerns with Christian Bale, Luke Wilson, and Alan Tudyk (who I adore) are the bestest type of all.

* Resident Evil - Extinction: So. Fucking. DUMB. But I liked it. I am very low maintenance when it comes to zombie movies. I just want gore, violence, and... actually, that's all I want. Plus, I would switch teams for Milla Jovovich. She's on the very elite list of Girls I Would Switch Sexual Teams For. But that's a list for another day. And lots of alcohol.

* Heroes: WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME ABOUT THIS SHOW?! All right, a lot of you did. Why didn't you make me watch it sooner? SO MANY WASTED YEARS! Or months. It hasn't been on that long. Everyone on the show is very pretty, including the guys, but I love Hiro. Hiro breaks my heart. I want to snuggle him.

* Ugly Betty: This is just a really good show I re-watched over the past few weeks. I'm Betty. Without braces, and a less frightening fashion sense. But also not as nice. On this show, I love Henry. And Rebecca Romijn fucking RULES as Alexis Meade. She's badass.

* House, M.D.: The universe made sense last night with the season premiere of House. And it turned out to be one of the most fucked-up episodes EVER. Well, the case was. The rest of it was just funny and typical House-y goodness. I miss Chase, though. Not because I thought he was hot - my heart belongs to the crazy old drug-addicted crippled genius of the show. But I adored his interaction with House. I also think Chase was incredibly funny, and they need to exploit that more. Bottom line, though: FUCKED UP CASE. Horrifying. Not even gross - just FUCKED UP. It's going to be a good season.

That's all. I feel tired and not particularly good at the moment. But I promise to write more often. STOP PRESSURING ME.
- LV

moreless

Day 37 Of Unemployment: Never Eat At A Restaurant That Says, "Howdy Pardners" On The Menu

Trust me on that one.

I'm bored, so you can read this and share the boredom. The exterminator is coming today, so I get to spend the whole day sitting around waiting for him. I'm afraid to leave the apartment at all, because if he comes while I'm away, I have to wait an entire, roachy month for him to return. And that would lead to madness and much vomiting.

I've tried to be industrious. I cleaned the apartment, put away my laundry, and stared off into space for a solid ten minutes daydreaming about... stuff. But I've been waiting since noon, and I would really like to be able to go get something to eat.

Netflix lost my Jeeves & Wooster. I'm very worried. What if this becomes a trend, and they lose all my movies, then cancel my account? WHAT THEN?! I'm not using Blockbuster - I have many, many issues with that evil behemoth. I thought perhaps my neighbor swiped them (because who could resist the sheer erotic masculinity of Hugh Laurie?) since I was away when they came, but the other two DVDs I had ordered appeared right as they should. It's a mystery, I tell you. Incidentally, there's an excellent Hugh Laurie song CALLED 'Mystery.' Go download it.

So that's all. Elle is bored, and you should be too. Or entertain me. Or bring me food from Chickpea. I am hungry, and longing for hummus pita.

May you have a lovely Saturday and not be stuck in your fucking domicile for the whole damn day.
- LV

moreless

Day 36 Of Unemployment: Profound Thoughts Are For Chumps

I saw two people peeing on the street today. That pretty much sums up my day.

Also, This Is Spinal Tap should be watched more often. It could bring about world peace. And I have to insist you watch it with the commentary - Spinal Tap shows up in person to discuss their epic.
-LV

moreless