I'm About To Pass Out, But I Wanted To Say This

I've written six pages of my zombie story, and you know what?

It doesn't half suck.

- LV

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Writing Life Update

I know my career stories aren't nearly as fascinating as my endless pontificating about pop culture, but maybe someone out there can help me on the path to fame and fortune.

* I am having a book review published, but I'm not getting paid. So plus one for experience, but negative one for lack of funds.

* I've been trying to perk up my angsty teen poetry I wrote back in the days before antidepressants and when I had blue hair. But it's really, inexcusably bad. A few are salvageable, but most of it should be thrown onto the eternal bonfire and offered up to the Bad Writing Gods as penance for my sins.

* I'm giving two incredibly shitty novels another go, and starting a third. One redeeming quality of the third novel: ZOMBIES. 

* I'm going to try to sell my thesis as a book to a literary agent. It's depressing and very nichey, but anyone who takes a media studies class might find use for it. Of course, I'd have to expand it significantly to include about fifteen or twenty more movies, but I don't want to spend all that time and energy if nobody is even going to humor my obsessive behavior. NOTE: If you don't know what I'm talking about in reference to the thesis, ask and I shall explain.

* I'm trying to write comic book scripts, a la HARVEY PEKAR and the genius of AMERICAN SPLENDOR. His stick figures are better than mine. As is the story. But my memories of high school and college make for surreal reading - and they would be funny if drawn well. Now I just need to find an artist...

* In other news, IE the real world, I have a job interview tomorrow as a hostess. Spent an inordinate amount of time today bawling over my writer's block, which is officially out of control. 

I want to start calling up authors I admire and asking the much-maligned question: Where Do You Get Your Ideas? Because I need inspiration. 

Writing vaguely emo pieces about the guy who didn't like me when I was 15 or the threesome I witnessed when I was 16 is not how I want to be remembered as a writer. Although at this point, even having people DESPISING my work would be preferable. At least then I'd know people are reading it.

Someone should just pay me to blog. But yeah, if Warren Ellis, Amy Sedaris, Joss Whedon, Neil Gaiman, J.K. Rowling, Hunter S. Thompson, Sir Arthr Conan Doyle, Jon Stewart, Joan Didion, Kurt Vonnegut, Russel T. Davies, or Matt Groening (or a thousand other people) want to call me up and tell me where they get their ideas, I'd be very very grateful.

Or, better yet, let me rip off your ideas and call them my own! 

I wrote a really great script in middle school that was essentially FROM DUSK TILL DAWN without vampires, and a female character. 

That's all for now. If my head explodes from a lack of ideas [or would implodes be more realistic?] I'll let you know. 

- LV

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Warren Ellis Quotes

The creator of TRANSMETROPOLITAN, and one of my comic books gods. For those of you who read regularly [are there such people out there, wandering the land with laptops in hand and a glazed, dead look in their eyes?], I wrote him a rather crazed fan-letter on this blog a few months back. I was going to link to it, but I decided you guys need to WORK for that honor. Also, not as funny as I previously imagined it.

"Apparently, using the sentence 'Does Daddy have to shank a bitch?' is considered unorthodox parenting. Who knew?"

"Okay, okay. I lie to you constantly. But still."

"I figure that the more of you there are around me, the more chance there is of the inevitable hail of bullets hitting you instead of me."

"I have decided that I'm going to drink myself into a coma tonight. Join me?"

"When they're not around, I put the TV on. Purely out of curiosity, you understand. Up here, we can snatch some forty thousand channels out of the air. Most of them, of course, are still showing CSI and LAW AND ORDER. There are twelve different channels showing LAW AND ORDER 24 hours a day. In some countries, Jerry Orbach has become a cargo-cult figure. They don't understand the language or much of the situations. They comprehend only that Jerry Orbach is immortal. They watch and divine from the show that he outlives the young gods who are selected to be his assistants. Criminals fall. DAs change. Assistants fade away. Jerry Orbach is forever. Jerry Orbach is, in fact, some kind of avenging God-King who will hunt and incarcerate Scum until the end of time."

"Fuck everybody. I won."

"I really need about six more hours in every day. Ten past two in the afternoon and I can barely keep my eyes open already. I miss dexies, I really do."

"I am, in fact, Internet Jesus. Hurrah."

"During this week, I've been leaving the house only once a day, to clear my lungs before returning to my death bed. So I've been getting a single snapshot of the weather each day. And it's no wonder I'm fucking dying. Yesterday, blazing heat, not a cloud in the sky, people moving in slow motion under the oppressive radiation. Today? Black skies, pissing down with rain, gales turning people's umbrellas inside out. It'll be snow tomorrow. Or hot hail."

"I will accept death as an alternative to the pain of being awake, at this point."

"Seriously. UFO organisations have been contracting of late, because no-one's seeing flying saucers any more. They turn up at weird cultural stress points, like an approaching millennium (which the X-Files lucked into, rather than caused). Almost, it seems, when the culture is worried about something amorphous rather than concrete (like terrorism). The 90s UFO "glut" coincided with the threat of nuclear war fading, relative political stability in the US and UK, and yet the feeling that the turn of the century Meant Something that we couldn't put into words. I almost miss flying saucers: because they might mean that we don't have anything serious to worry about."

"The sky's gone the colour of death. Big storm coming. I'm going to be trapped in the pub. Very bad."

"In cultural news from here in the old country, Pete Doherty is apparently still a "genius," which presumably means we have a hidden race of intellectuals who express their sheer brilliance by rubbing crack rocks into their eyes, stealing all their mates' stuff and failing to get it up for their girlfriends. Oh, and Kate Bush is making a comeback, which I would imagine means that Tori Amos will have to go into some kind of witness protection scheme."

"I grew up in the 80s in England: we'd wake up each morning and look out the window to see if the government had finally put Daleks on the streets."

"The book is almost always better than the movie. You could have no better case in point than FROM HELL, Alan Moore's best graphic novel to date, brilliantly illustrated by Eddie Campbell. It's hard to describe just how much better the book is. It's like, 'If the movie was an episode of 'Battlestar Galactica' with a guest appearance by the Smurfs and everyone spoke Dutch, the graphic novel is 'Citizen Kane' with added sex scenes and music by your favourite ten bands and everyone in the world you ever hated dies at the end.' That's how much better it is."

"When you're putting together any kind of really stupid loud explody movie, I feel you need a Posh English Girl With Guns. Also, a Robot, a Man With One Name Who Hits People, The Blonde and the Magic Negro."

"I actually thought about attending San Diego a couple of years ago, and talked to a publisher about it. I told them I'd need a business-class flight (better air filters -- otherwise I spend a day on an inhaler) and a decent-sized hotel room. They said: 'But if we give you that, what will Neil Gaiman ask for?'"

"Always remember: Valentine's Day is a Christian corruption of a pagan festival involving werewolves, blood and fucking. So wish people a happy Horny Werewolf Day and see what happens. I love you all."

"It is so fucking cold. Outside, the sky's cut in half. There's this huge black cloudbank covering half the sky, just radiating cold and rain and doom, waiting for me to step outside. And it's not moving. It's waiting. The other half? Blue sky. Every erg of heat in England just flying up through it into space. There's some Russian bastard on the ISS right now looking down and saying, see, my country is saved, the Russian winter is moving east to FREEZE WARREN'S NUTS OFF."

"Oh, this is brilliant. The Wales team are being sponsored by a brewery with a slightly unusual name. On their red shirts, the name is emblazoned on the front in big white letters: BRAINS. We are WALES, and we are here for BRAAAAIIIIINNNNS."

"But if you're one of those real frightening anal sticklers for Marvel continuity? And you get genuinely angry about people playing fast and loose with Marvel comics canon? Please don't pick it up. You'll have a heart attack, and I don't need that on my conscience, despite the wonders it'd do for my reputation."

"You'd be surprised how many people approach me thinking I'm going to try and cut off their thumbs or hit them with a chairleg or something."

"My back is killing me. I can feel things moving around in it. It is a singularly unpleasant sensation. Almost as bad as watching Xmas television. Caught part of a documentary on the recording of 'Fairytale Of New York' last night. What the fuck happened to Shane McGowan's head? It's shrunk."

"If you believe that your thoughts originate inside your brain — do you also believe that television shows are made inside your television set?"

"So fuck 2005 right in the eyesocket. Horrible year. Will 2006 be any better? I'll settle for not having to bury any more of my friends for a year. Hoping to travel more. Also, forming a religion of some kind would be good. Embracing my destiny as Internet Jesus. (Or, at the very least, Wise Man Of The Internet Forest, who appears half-clothed at the treeline every day to make Proclamations And Propheses. You all want to fuck me now, eh?)"

"I have decided that I shall be referred to only as Love Swami for the rest of the week, and shall delete any email not headed with the term."

"Writing comics? Still the best job in the world. I sit around all day making shit up and see it illustrated, in 99% of cases, exactly as I imagined it, if not better. I've been doing this a long time now, and I'm going to do it until I die. Which probably won't be long, given the constant insane deadline pressure. But fuck it. Anything worth doing takes work. Some people do question if it's worth it, given that the industry makes no friends and takes no prisoners and is not kind to people without the chops or the commitment or a thick skin. You know what? I've got forty books out there that some people wear on their fucking skin, and I didn't manage that by arsing around on the internet all day. That's right. I managed it AS WELL AS arsing around on the internet all day. I have powers."

"Apparently it is Wrong, when finding carol singers at your door, to yell 'Hail Satan! See you in Disneyland!' and slam it on them. But I don't want to be Right."

"Stress has finally caught up with me. I know this because I have spent the last ten minutes considering whether or not the theme music to HAWAII 5-0 is in fact the greatest TV theme music ever. Or whether it is in fact the theme to VAN DER VALK... And have downloaded both of them off the internet. In the name of God. Someone help me think about sex or death or something. Thank you."

"Shots of whisky between finishing a magnum of champagne? Don't do that again. I think I've woken up with motor neurone disease."

"I want fucking points for upgrading Wordpress myself when I still can't program the fucking video recorder properly. Points, and, I dunno, dancing girls and streams of whiskey and cigarettes that won't give me cancer. See to it."

"On Live Journal, my friend Donna came up with the joke tag 'Warren Ellis' Holy Slut Army.' She even made t-shirts. You know how scary it is to walk into a hotel and see a girl wearing one of those?"

"In other news, I'm up way too fucking early again. Oh, and Southend Pier caught fire (again) last night. Wasn't me."

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Sacha Baron Cohen Quotes

“The moment I appeared the crowd started jeering and booing and shouting ‘faggot’ and spitting, I had hired a bodyguard and when the jeering started I turned to see where the bodyguard was, I could just see the back of his head as he was running out of the stadium."

"Thank you to every American who has not sued me so far."

"I saw some amazing, beautiful, invigorating parts of America, but I saw some dark parts of America, an ugly side of America, a side of America that rarely sees the light of day. I refer, of course, to the anus and testicles of my co-star, Ken Davitian."

I love this man. Total genius. Funny and smart and tall as all hell. And he interviewed NOAM CHOMSKY, thus making life good. Plus, he was hysterical in SWEENEY TODD. 

In other news, 1500 people have seen my blog. Let us rejoice. Except for the total lack of comments on anything I write. Let us mourn.

- LV

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Underrated Movies That Everyone Should See

I just want everyone to know, I blame you all for these movies failing. I SAW them. I'm innocent in their failings. These are in no order.

1. Slither
- Best horror/comedy in years. AND Nathan Fillion
2. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
- One of the smartest, funniest, most exciting and clever crime movies of the decade. AND Robert Downey, Jr.
3. Wonder Boys
- Michael Douglas should have won an Oscar. And MORE Robert Downey, Jr.
4. Zero Effect
- Bill Pullman gives one of the wackiest performances ever. Sort of an ancestor to 'Monk.'
5. Existenz
- David Cronenberg is one of the gods of weird cinema. And Christoper Eccelston!
6. The Poughkeepsie Tapes
- Most terrifying movie I have ever seen. Period. Being released in February. Go.
7. Grindhouse
- Nobody saw it because you asshole couldn't hold it in for what, 3 1/2 hours? PEE IN A CUP IF NECESSARY! I HELD it the whole damn time, and probably did permanent damage to my bladder! It was WORTH IT.
8. Thank You For Smoking
- This movie was so good, even Katie Holmes couldn't fuck it up.
9. Children Of Men
- This got ONE Oscar nomination. ONE. AND LOST. JULIA ROBERTS HAS MORE!
10. Secretary
- Maggie is GOD. One of my favorite romances ever.
11. Auto Focus
- Greg Kinnear made up for EVERY bad movie. EVER. This one movie has redeemed his whole career. And Bob Crane was a crazy son of a bitch.
12. Eight Mile
- Fuck everyone, this is a fucking fantastic film. OK, it won an Oscar, but people still don't appreciate it enough. Or EMINEM'S remarkable performance. Fuck.
13. Lovely & Amazing
- Apparently movies where women are real characters don't succeed. I want to be Catherine Keener.
14. American Splendor
- PAUL GIAMATTI HAS NOT WON AN OSCAR. THERE IS NO GOD.
15. Matchstick Men
- Even Nicolas Cage didn't ruin it.
16. You Can Count On Me
- The main reason I still love Mark Ruffalo.
17. Jesus' Son
- Best drug movie since 'Trainspotting.'
18. Man On The Moon
- Jim Carrey has some of the most devastating comic moments ever in this film. And the end makes me cry.
19. State & Main
- There is not a single bad performance in this movie. Alec Baldwin will make you shit your pants. And William H. Macy is great as a dick. One of my favorite comedies.
20. Before Sunset
- Gives you faith in love. In some ways, better than BEFORE SUNRISE.
21. Miller's Crossing
- COEN BROTHERS COEN BROTHERS COEN BROTHERS COEN BROTHERS
22. Serenity
- Hey, I saw it, I bought it, I loved it. It's because of YOU PEOPLE that it didn't do well. And don't get me started on FIREFLY, because I will drive you bonkers.
23. Hellboy
- Ron Perlman is so underrated it makes me want to have sex with him. Wait... The sequel is coming out soon!
24. Sweet And Lowdown
- Sean Penn should have won an Oscar for THIS. His best performance ever. And Woody Allen, before his movies started to depress me. Best soundtrack.
25. Igby Goes Down
- Best way to tell someone somebody has died. When I die, I want someone to do this.
26. Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind
- Sam Rockwell. It's all about Sam Rockwell. By the way, I knew Clooney would be a great director cause of this movie. Way before GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK. Eat me, fuckers.
27. Gods And Monsters
- Every time I see this movie, it makes me cry over how good Brendon Fraser is, and how bad his film choices are.
28. The Hudsucker Proxy
- Hula hoops! Tim Robbins!
29. A Simple Plan
- Billy Bob Thorton can do no wrong. Because of this one movie. I can forgive him pretty much any cinematic vomit he might expel. One of the best movies of its type ever. I think it may be the only one of its kind.
30. Arrested Development
- OK, not a movie. BUT NOBODY WATCHED IT AND NOW IT'S GONE FOREVER! But the O.C. went on for AGES, didn't it?

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Joss Whedon Quotes

Joss Whedon is one of my heroes, because no matter what he does, he makes characters you care about. He's also incredibly funny and talented, although he has, in EVERY SHOW HE'S EVER DONE, killed off my favorite characters. Every. Single One. OK, one was the movie, but it COUNTS. We have a complicated relationship.

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the road less traveled by and they CANCELLED MY FRIKKIN' SHOW. I totally shoulda took the road that had all those people on it. Damn."

"I'm working on 'Buffy: Deep Space Nine.' It will be dark and badly received."

"The network called up and said 'We piggybacked you on the deal for another show,' I'm like 'Okay, so what you're saying to my writers is that they weren't picked up when they thought they were and now that they are it was because of something that has nothing to do with them. Okay. Great. Stop calling'."

"Let freedom ring, unless it's on vibrate."

"My visions of the future are always pretty much standard issue. The rich get richer, the poor get poorer and there are flying cars."

"Very occasionally, if you really pay attention, life doesn’t suck."

"I know there's been some debate about the DVD art. Just remember it's what's INside that counts, as I used to remind girls in high school constantly. CONSTANTLY - until I realized that I was empty inside. Empty and homely. Man, that's a rough combo."

"If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do."

"The actors can make up their dialogue. I'm bushed, and they're all funny, and the hell with it. Maybe I'll give them a premise to work off of, like 'You're all in trouble' or 'Wash has a thing.' They could maybe light it too."

"People love a happy ending. So every episode, I will explain once again that I don't like people. And then Mal will shoot someone. Someone we like. And their puppy."

"I'd rather have a show that a hundred people need to see than a thousand people like to see."

"Actually, I really did copy the entire script of 'Outlaw Star.' I really didn't do any of that, I'm sorry I deluded so many people into thinking I'm not a sham."

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Doctor Who Is AMAZING!

OK, I got squealing fangirl joy when there was a DOCTOR WHO episode where he talked about HARRY POTTER. I was delighted beyond comprehension. Because I am simple.

And the episode 42 traumatized me enormously. The Doctor is ALWAYS in danger, because otherwise he wouldn't be the Doctor. But in that episode, he's scared. Not for others, or the universe, or some grand notion. He's in pain, and he's so scared, and it's just awful. His terror is so visceral that it frightens me. DAVID TENNANT really is a great doctor. I concede, he is on equal footing with Nine. Although Nine has nicer eyes and a better accent. But Ten has risen ridiculously high in my esteem.

Also, watched the Children In Need special with PETER DAVISON, and it was incredible. I wanted it to be longer. And Davison was Tennant's favorite Doctor, and he wrote that whole little speech on why he was amazing, and how he was 'his' Doctor. 

In conclusion, I love DOCTOR WHO. And I want to move to England solely so I can watch it when it's actually on.

I've been watching TORCHWOOD as well, but I'm not sold on it yet. I mean, Captain Jack rocks out, but I haven't fallen in love yet. Although the Doctor references make me smile, but it hasn't gotten to me yet, you know? We'll see. I haven't finished season one yet, so I can't make an informed decision.

Heath Ledger's death continues to be big news. I want to know what happened, but I want everyone to leave him alone. Does that make sense? 

Lot of hits on the site lately, but no one seems to be commenting. Speak to me, people! Argue with me, agree with me, bow before my pop culture genius! Or... don't. Your call.

One last thing: Season 3 of DOCTOR WHO seems to be almost entirely about torturing the Doctor. He gets the everloving SHIT kicked out of him. It's very upsetting for those of us who love him so dearly.

- LV

PS The Doctor as a Profesor? OMFG that is HOT. If he were my teacher... I'm going to stop now. For all our sakes.

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