I Am A Hideous Cliche

S My season one disc of RED DWARF was cracked. I am annoyed. But A MIGHTY HEART was amazing. I sobbed hysterically. Angelina Jolie was brilliant. And Dan Futterman is hot. When did that happen? Highly recommended film.I need to sleep. - LV

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Two Words That Bring Hope To Millions. Well, Maybe Just Me

Job Interview! Job Interview!! JOB INTERVIEW! JOB INTERVIEW!!That is all.- LV

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I'm Falling Behind In The Race Of Life!

What the fuck? I was innocently checking out technorati.com, and my humble blog has fallen! Tremendously! I went from 2,515,283 to fucking 2,910,025! How could I have allowed the quality of my work to fall so far?! Come on, guys, I know people are reading this - the counter at the bottom doesn't lie. It DOESN'T, man! So go to this website: My Technorati Website and favorite me, or add me, or do something to increase my frankly pathetic numbers. Otherwise I'll find disgusting things on th internet and horrify you into a coma.In other news, I was sick yesterday and vomited. The good news is that I got to miss work, and spent the day lying in the fetal position watching BLACKADDER and THE THIN MAN and reading LIFE WITH JEEVES. Incidentally, the last episode of BLACKADDER was so sad that I nearly cried. I couldn't, of course, because my friend Kay was over doing homework, and she didn't need me weeping in the corner while she tried to write a paper. So I restrained myself.I'm going to see MADAMA BUTTERFLY with my parents tonight. I'm pretty excited - I've never been to the opera. It will be a nice contrast to the usual cultural dregs I immerse myself in.I am getting a bit desperate to find a new job. Anything that isn't in retail.And as for my 'book' (right now it's a collection of rants, much like this), I'm not sure how far from my real life I should go. Should Christopher Eccleston show up suddenly and be my love interest? Should I grow a foot (in height, not an extra appendage)? Should I solve crime? Right now it's pretty much real life. But real life is boring and depressing and kind of sucks. So I'm not sure. The dieting aspect has to be true, otherwise what's the fucking point? But everything else could, theoretically, come straight from the twisted hallways of my mind. Thoughts?I need to finish getting ready for the opera. I suspect my V FOR VENDETTA T-Shirt would be frowned upon. Philistines.- LV

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I Fold Up Like An Accordian

My tummy hurts.I need to quit this job. I am going to go kill people. Seriously. Working at a bookstore is like being a leper. People treat you like shit. They consider you uneducated, lazy, and evil. I am only the last two.I'm writing a book. It's pretty much like this blog, only focused on my attempts to lose weight. Yes, I'm writing about that. I've become one of THOSE girls. But I'd like to think it's funnier than any of the other ones, and I talk about pretty much everything I talk about here. And you guys seem to enjoy it. I'm sure nothing will come of it, but it's a lot better than my fiction, and my poetry always sounds like rejected Cure lyrics, and and nobody is responding to my resume because I haven't done anything with my life because I'm 21 and lazy. So meh.BLACKADDER is awesome. Rowan Atkinson is funny when he's not Mr. Bean. Then he's just scary.- LV

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TV Is Funny. Hehe.

My job is sucking the will to live from my nostrils. Which is where we all store our will to live. It's true. I work with books. I know things.Fuck. I'm too tired to be funny. Or coherent. My foot itches.I saw a roach last night and DIDN'T scream like a little girl! I'm really maturing as a human being. I tried to write a story earlier tonight. It ended up sounding like a cross between JEEVES AND WOOSTER, CLERKS, and Raymond Chandler. And not in a good way. Very sad. I fail at life. A mature failure. Like bad old wine.I think it's time for Elle to go to sleep.- LV

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Jane Austen Is Dead. Fucking Deal With It.

There are entirely too many sequels to PRIDE AND PREJUDICE. Like, seriously. Darcy and Elizabeth have children. Darcy and Elizabeth solve murders. Darcy and Elizabeth have marital woes, and Darcy runs off with the werewolf babes from erotic horror. I came within an inch of setting a whole pile of 'sequels' on fire. I'm not kidding. I stood there for several minutes seriously pondering how much trouble I would get into if I burned the fucking pile. And I'm not endorsing book burning. I just didn't want to have to shelve another fucking book with the word 'Darcy' on the cover. Who cares? Are these books any good? I just don't see the point. Why a sequel? Why ruin a great ending? Everything ended perfectly. I don't care if they had kids, or didn't, or solved mysteries or fucking slaughtered puppies. That's why books are great; they stop. You don't have to continue on with the mundane, boring details. It ends, and you use your imagination after that. Fucking unbelievable.In other news, my phone completely died, and I had to get a new one. For reasons I'll never fully understand, the only free phone I could get was a Blackberry Pearl. I'm terrified of it. I have no idea how to work it, it makes terrifying noises, and I keep expecting it to start flashing and take over the world. The robot uprising will occur in my basement apartment. Lock up your microwaves. I miss my old crappy phone. I knew exactly what was broken; this one works, and I don't know why.I'm watching STARDUST MEMORIES right now, unable to move except for my fingers. I like it, but it's not his best work by any stretch of the imagination. The visuals are lovely, per usual. But I'm still bitter that my life isn't a Woody Allen movie. Could I SUE him for ruining my life by making MANHATTAN? Would that hold up in court? Would burning the PRIDE AND PREJUDICE sequels help? Could I do it anyway? Think these thoughts for me.- LV

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Who Watches The Watchmen? I Do!

So. Was reading up on THE WATCHMEN movie, due out in 2009. And I'm really, really worried it will suck. Note: Not worried in the sense of crying in my beer, waking up in a cold sweat, seeking counselling sense; just when I think about it, I get worried.It's directed by Zach Snyder, which is OK. His remake of DAWN OF THE DEAD was fucking incredible, and is one of the movies I most frequently throw on when I want to just enjoy myself. 300, which some people consider anal leakage, wasn't terrible. The story sucked, but the graphic novel story sucked too. It was never Frank Miller's best work. And it looked incredible, and the cast was impressive considering what they had to work with. I saw it twice, inexplicably, and I didn't hate it. And since Snyder has worked with adaptations before, he (hopefully) knows how to be sensitive to source material.The screenwriters: One wrote the first two X-MEN (yay!) and THE SCORPION KING (no!). The other is an unknown. Hm.The cast: Thank the everloving fuck (what does that mean?) that they didn't cast Jude Law as Rorschach. I would have gone kamikaze. Or bitched about it incessantly to you poor people. Luckily, Jackie Earle Haley from LITTLE CHILDREN is doing it (is it just me, or does he look EXACTLY like Spider from TRANSMETROPOLITAN?) He should bee good. Patrick Wilson doesn't really look like The Nite Owl, but he's a good actor. Billy Crudup as Dr. Manahattan is really interesting. I'm indifferent to the chick. And Matthew Goode could go either way as Adrien Veidt.So, until I hear otherwise, I'm going to be cautiously optimistic. The cast is... weird. I'll say that. And not my first choices (although my first choices were insane, so that's probably a good thing.) Alan Moore is most likely stroking out somewhere over this. Let's hope it's closer to V FOR VENDETTA than THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN.I'm watching the Watchmen. Sorry. I just like saying that. Off to go drinking with some friends from my old journalism class. May THE WATCHMEN not suck.- LV

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When It Comes To Whining, I'm A Viking!

Another long day. People infuriate me.Top Questions I Get Asked Each Day:* Where's the bathroom?* Where's the cafe?* How do I get the hell out of here?I had no idea there were so many erotic horror books out there. Apparently a large portion of the population gets really turned on by the concept of ghost sex/ vampire sex/ werewolf sex. There should be erotic zombie fiction. I'm sure there is somewhere. And I hope I never find it.I've decided that the most annoying thing in the world is when I'm standing behind a counter, wearing a nametag, and some idiot asks me, "Do you work here?" There's not enough sarcasm out there to fully display the contempt I feel for that question. If I wasn't wearing a rather obvious nametag, I could understand that. Incidentally, if you walk around waving said nametag in a bored, distracted manner, people will come ask you for help. It's like fishing.I'm a ridiculously immature person, because I'm pissed off that I'm going to miss HOUSE next week due to work. Under the right circumstances, I could have a full-blown temper tantrum. Can you watch HOUSE on the computer anywhere? Does FOX have a website for that? Because I have no idea how to tape shows on my VCR. I don't trust it. Incidentally, HOUSE was awesome last night. Although the number-people were on the screen more than anyone. The scene where House limps down the hallway with a small army of over-eager white jacket-clad would-be helpers is hysterical. That was a lot of hyphens.The last episode of DOCTOR WHO; SERIES 2 [which I rewatched last night, unwisely] makes me cry harder every single time. Remember when DOCTOR WHO was just funny? There was always a sad, tragic element to the story, but seriously; the degree of just emotional devastation these last two seasons have inspired is insane. That being said, it's one of the three best shows in the history of the universe, and I love every second of it. For those of you who've seen that episode (Doomsday) - was I the only one who wanted to hug the Doctor and tell him, "Everything will be all right"? Then I'd tackle him. But first sympathy.That's all, really. I'm wiped out, but I have to go to the gym. OK, I don't HAVE to - nobody will die, that I'm aware of, and the apocalypse will not come if I simply fall asleep in front of the TV. But if I ACT like the world will end if I don't do the elephant stretch, it certainly adds a new level of motivation.May your days be good, your nights be relaxing, and your phones actually work.- LVPS FUCKING ROACHES. This was a baby roach, and it was still hideous and awful. OK, it was in the hallway leading TO my apartment, but it could have crawled in and it was AWFUL. It ran into a trap, and I had to throw the whole trap out in the garbage then run away. It was exhausting. Emotionally DEVASTATING. I'm OK now. Carry on.

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My Feet Hurt Too Much For Me To Be Funny

I'm going to collapse any second, but a word of advice to all men: Do not go into a bookstore at 7:30 PM to buy your girlfriend her birthday present when the party is at 8:00 PM THAT DAY. And don't say, "My girlfriend really likes fantasy. What book would she like?" How the fuck should I know? I spent an ungodly length of time trying to find him a fucking book for this girl (all of which he rejected, because apparently his girlfriend is a delicate flower that can't tolerate a curse word in a book.), and even grabbed another employee. Eventually he bought himself a manga and left. I really wish I could hear his explanation as to why he has no present for his poor girlfriend.I'm going to cut my feet off. Then they won't hurt.I read Warren Ellis' comic FELL; VOLUME ONE - FERAL CITY tonight. Excellent. Weird graphics, but I was really into them by the end. Not as good as TRANSMETROPOLITAN, but honestly, what the hell could be?There are many cute guys working with me. I enjoy the view.- LV

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