Hero Worship

Oh Sarah Palin, I worship thee. And I mean that without irony or snark. Every time I see you on the TV, my heart sings. Your voice brings sunshine and gumdrops. I have to admit, after the election I was worried. My joy over Obama's win was tempered by a very real fear that you would fade away into obscurity. Clearly, I underestimated you. The world needs you, Sarah Palin. I need you. In these stressful times of economic recession, fighting in the Middle East, and the possible delay of the Watchmen movie, we need you more than ever. Who else - who else, I ask - can deliver, with such regularity, such a high level of demented hilarity? Who can be so consistently mental and borderline incoherent? Who else can leave 95% of Americans secure in the knowledge of their own intellectual superiority? No one, and that is why you are my hero. You are insane and not very bright, and determined to push yourself down America's throat until we all choke on your sassy homegrown attitude.Why do I love thee? Let me count the ways:* Your war with Katie Couric and Tina Fey, made infinitely funnier because they seem to have no idea that they're fighting in it. And they're still winning.* The fact that you still haven't named one newspaper you read. * Your habit of shooting wild animals like moose and wolves from your deck, then feasting on their flesh.* The famous Turkey Press Conference Massacre. * You believe that you can walk from Alaska to Russia, or at least wave at them from across the border.* There is a porno movie out there called Nailin' Paylin.* You don't seem to really know what the job you were applying for included.* You believe in creationism. Which means that you might believe that dinosaurs and humans lived together. At the same time. And that you kind of have a problem with the concept of 'metaphors.'* You think the media is against you and out to ruin your life, yet you keep going on TV to complain about how the TV is misrepresenting you.* The prank phone call. You actually believed that Nicolas Sarkozy called you up to discuss the aforementioned porno movie. * Your husband wanted to be First Dude.* Your daughter's babydaddy's mom got arrested for drugs. And your grandkid's name is an inexplicable as your sons' names, and it sounds like their names as well. Which bothers me.For these and countless other reasons, you need to stay in the public eye for as long as possible. I would be so sad if you went away, and I had to start worrying about serious issues that actually matter. Please don't put me through that.So, in order to keep you around and making me laugh for as long as possible, I have two ideas for your future career plans. if you're still into the whole politics gig, I think you should run for President in 2012. And I've got your perfect running mate: Ron Blagojevich. It will be brilliant: you'll scream about pro-life madness, and vow to kick Tina Fey and Katie Couric out of the country, and hold National Moose-Shooting events, and Blagojevich will smirk and insist that he's done nothing wrong, that listing pieces of White House furniture on eBay is totally legal, and WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING? Or, if you're over the cutthroat world of politics, might I suggest a cooking show? I'm a big fan of the Food Network, and I think they could have a slot for you. You'd be like a Northern Paula Deen. We could call the show Preparin' Palin, or Serving Sarah. You could cook moose nuggets, or wolf pot-pies, or sea-bass slushies. You could even teach people how to hunt and kill their own food. Imagine how much everyone will appreciate those tips when the economy collapses, and we're all living in a post-Fight Club world with no technology and no money. Think about it, Mrs. Palin. America needs you. The world needs you. And if Joe the Plumber really does go to Gaza (which I suspect is secretly an elaborate and badly-thought-out plan to get him out of the country, but that's another blog entry entirely), who will we turn to in these turbulent times?Or, if all else fails, you can pull a Michael Lohan, and challenge Fey/Couric to boxing match. Imagine the numbers that little shindig would draw. I'm sure FOX would sponsor you. The possibilities are endless.- LV

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