When Alan Moore Plays Monopoly, It Affects The Actual World Economy.

Life
* Saying the word 'pirate' repeatedly and giggling does not make you a comedian. I'm just saying.
* I'm writing fiction again, for the first time since November or December of last year. I'd forgotten how great it felt.

Toys!
* Look at the teeny little Iron Man! And his little paunchy belly that no doubt makes flying a bit difficult, and must have been embarrassing to design! And his head! It's huge! He's like the Elephant Man under there:

[Found at LikeCool]
I wish this was a bobble head. That would be SWEET. Of course, if you had a smaller car, it would flip over and kill every one whenever its head bobbled.

TeeVee
* I am an awful person, because for some reason I never watched Dollhouse because I kept forgetting when it was on, and now it might be cancelled, and it may be partly Joss Whedon's fault, and also River would fuck Buffy up. The world is a complicated place.

Technology
* This gives me faith in humanity, that nobody stepped on the little robot. Also the robot is painfully cute. I would have stolen the robot and given it a good home, thus ruining everyone's sense of goodwill and kindness.

* I've said it before, and I'll say it again: iTunes sucks. And this is their punishment for trying to make me buy the WHOLE Bob Dylan album when I just wanted "Desolation Row" because I already OWNED every other song on the album, but I GOT the song in the end, because my friend had it on a CD, so WIN.

Food
* This is a bad idea. Very bad. I could see this becoming a serious addiction because chocolate is fun, and huffing things is fun for angry teenagers with a lot of glue. Do not give this to angry teenagers who have just run out of glue. Not that part of me wants to test this product, for America, because inhaling chocolate is an amazing concept.

* If I am about to die, start stuffing these in my mouth:

[Found at ThisIsWhyYou'reFat]
That, my friends, is a Deep Fried Cadbury Creme Egg. Oh, I'll still die, but I will die HAPPY and with chocolate-covered joy in my veins. This may in fact be proof that there IS a god, and he wants us all to be obscenely fat and happy. I for one embrace our new chocolate-souled overlord, so long as he continues to provide DEEP FRIED CHOCOLATEGASMS.

Random
* I was going to put this under WTF, INTERNET, only I really sort of want one because they're funny and would make airline travel endlessly entertaining.

[Found at OhGizmo]
Also you could pretend to be a Klingon/Kirk love-child. Also, Combmando Combs makes me laugh over and over. Although it's acrylic, so it probably wouldn't be good in an actual fight situation. Do not rely on these things when the zombies hit (more on that below!)

Politics
* Frankly, I hope this gay elephant is like the high queen of all gay elephants. Because a lot of people are being very stupid, and the elephant isn't even sexually mature yet, so maybe he's just SHY. And even if he IS gay, that doesn't mean he can't spawn adorable little elephants. There are OTHER WAYS TO IMPREGNANTE ELEPHANTS, PEOPLE. Not that I know any. Because that would be weird. Impregnating elephants is not a topic I am versed in.

* OK, OK, Barack Obama's new dog is like, unbelievably fucking adorable. DID YOU SEE THE PICTURE OF THE PRESIDENT JOGGING WITH THE NEW PUPPY?! LOOK AT THE CUT FUZZY BABY DOG!

[Found at Wonkette]
I'm calm, I am a Journalist, damn it. But really, how much more 'DAWWW' does it make it that Ted Kennedy gave him the puppy, and that the puppy's name is Bo, and I would like to volunteer as the pooper-scooper for the new puppy, because it is THAT cute and also I could chill with Obama and Kal Penn, and make Nite Owl jokes at Geithner that Obama would probably get, which makes him even COOLER, and whoa, THAT my friends was a tangent.

Watchmen
* Chock Full O' Nuts can go fuck themselves. They have no sense of humor, and this is like the one Watchmen product I haven't purchased (maybe that's the problem), and seriously this is so stupid. Also, Adrian Viedt will come to your house at night and skullfuck you to death and throw you out a high window, before using your spilled blood to brew more delicious Nite Owl coffee!

* The PG version of Watchmen totally frightens me more than the regular version.

Comics
* Poor Doctor Phosphorous.

* A great article on the cost of comics, and why they make me so sad. Although I usually buy trade paperbacks, because they make me happy for inexplicable reasons. But not The Boys which is so fucking amazing and violent and funny that I buy the regular old comics and REVEL in their glory, AND I met Darick Robertson and Garth Ennis, so SUCK ON IT. That has nothing to do with the price of comics, but I like bragging about it.

* I like Slave Labor Graphics, because they publish Jhonen Vasquez, who wrote Johnny The Homicidal Maniac which I loved as an angsty teen, and secretly still love, but shhhh. I also love him because when Nickelodeon cancelled Invader Zim they told him to draw a concluding comic, and he drew this insane bullshit involving flying space pigs just to SCREW with them. Ahem. And this comic looks interesting. The end.

WTF, INTERNET?
* You too can be a freaky, frightening robot for the small fee of $4,200! What a wise and prudent way to spend your money in these times! Look, you will not be sexy and awesome like Iron Man. I'm sorry. The suit was indeed sexy as hell, but it was made sexy because the audience knew it was Robert Downey, Jr. under there, and he would come out of the suit with his bad-ass beard and his big eyes and his Tony Stark money and those ARMS. When you take off this suit, you will still be you. And while you may be awesome in your own way, I don't think your awesome equals RDJ's awesome. Few people can.

[Found at Geekologie]
And while it says it's for people with degenerative muscle diseases and such, I can't help but feel that the main purchasers will be desperate, lonely geeks who want to be Tony Stark, and think this is the first step in nailing hot journalists and such. Dude, it doesn't even have a MASK.

* Sometimes, I don't WANT to be funny. This is one of those times. Dude. DUDE.

That is a DOG, people. A POODLE, no less. And there are MORE PICTURES. A LOT. Including a Peacock, a Camel, A Dragon, and a Rooster. I can't.... WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE? And that dog is not happy. NO LIVING THING WILL BE HAPPY DRESSED AS A GODDAMN ROOSTER. WHAT DOES THIS SAY ABOUT YOUR MIND AND YOUR LIFE?!

I have SO MUCH MORE TO TELL YOU ALL, but I will save it, so that you can digest these nuggets of wisdom and fear (that sounds disgusting, and I shall not be joining you in your nugget-digesting adventures), and also I want to get more hits, so maybe I'll post later today, with MORE, or not, because I am cruel.
- LV
PS Title of post comes from this site, only changed because Alan Moore INVENTED Chuck Norris, but it's a secret, so tell no one.

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Alan Moore Can Hold His Breathe For 9 Years.

Happy Holiday Of Some Sort, That Mysteriously Requires Me To Attend Family Functions Despite My Atheism.

I normally don't mind holidays - food, booze, entertaining company - but the homestead is exceptionally tense as of late, and I'm not relishing having to go sit for a few hours and make small talk. That being said, I hope the rest of you either
A) Have a nice Easter
B) Have a lovely Sunday with no religious connotations whatsoever, except for those you'd like.

To celebrate, here is a picture of Russell Brand's crotch:

[Found at Worldofwonder]

You're welcome.
- LV

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Alan Moore Doesn't Play God. Playing Is For Children.

Life
* I am very happy, because I got to see one of my bestest friends after months of her being away, seeing the world and generally being awesome, but not nearby enough for me to bother her and be entertained. And now she too is stuck in the boring land of Jersey, so hooray! Well, for me, at least.

* I am so proud of my alma mater. No, not really. Just wearily amused. I probably know some of these people.

Random
* I love evil tips for undermining the soft, downy fabric of society.

Movies
* A Green Lantern Trilogy could be awesome, if they get rid of the suckish bits and make sure they get a good cast and writers who actually have read the comics, instead of former writers for Desperate Housewives or some other crap. And Terrence Howard's departure from the Iron Man franchise is still puzzling and depressing, because he was great as Rhodes, and although I adore Don Cheadle and still think he should have won an Oscar for Hotel Rwanda, he just doesn't seem like Rhodes to me. Or Black Lightning would be cool, too. DC really needs to expand the realm of superheroes, because I've never liked Superman (don't hurt me), and there are so many minor heroes that are so much more interesting. Also, Terrence Howard as a superhero is about seven different kinds of cool.

* I am really, really excited about The Brothers Bloom. The trailer looks amazing, the cast is great, and quirky caper films are terribly under appreciated in the world of cinema (I am still loving Matchstick Men and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, which is one of the funniest crime movies ever, and if you haven't seen it your life is a sham. And OK, it's not really a caper movie at all, but I will refer to it whenever I can even loosely tie it to another topic, because it was THAT GOOD and made like no money, and that is CRIMINAL. Val Kilmer should have gotten an Oscar nomination for Gay Perry. Yeah, I said it.) Plus Adrien Brody hasn't done anything in a while, and he is always fun to watch (except in The Pianist which while brilliant, was not what I would consider fun, unless you get your jollies by weeping uncontrollably for hours on end).

* Public Enemies is going to be amazing, because of Johnny Depp and Christian Bale and Michael Mann, and I will not hear ANY NAYSAYING about it. It's Easter weekend. Have some charity. And watch the trailer over and over and...

* Sam Rockwell + Duncan Jones + The Weirdest Promo Pictures = A New Discovery Of Awesome. And the trailer is sick. Good sick. And bizarre and fabulous. I am so into this movie, there are no words. And Sam Rockwell owes me, after the trauma of Choke, which was bad forever.

Food
* This will make you throw up. Like, a lot. And then never want to reproduce, ever. This could be used as birth control that even uber-religious people would approve of. 'If you have sex, you will get pregnant and have a baby, and then you will EAT parts of the stuff that came out of you in a panini with a side of french fries.' The population will decrease, TRUST ME. And be slender, too.

Fashion
* Gywneth Paltrow sucks. And her clothes suck. And she's so full of shit she must stink when she walks down the street. And she loves herself more than any other person ever could. Her website is very funny, but I kind of doubt she intended it to be so entertaining. I still love The Royal Tenenbaums, though. And want her hair in that movie.

Music
* This alternate history of Kurt Cobain's life is, in some ways, more depressing than what actually happened. Something I always considered impossible, as the terrible suicide of a talented and disturbed person is always depressing. But this comic somehow showed that living is not always better than suicide, which is a pleasant concept to entertain on this rainy Saturday. And I don't think Dave Grohl appreciated this universe that much, either. Good comic, though.

Books
* This makes me shouty. Meghan McCain should not be writing a book. Because she is not a good writer. I have read her articles, and her blog entries, and she is simply not gifted in the way of words. That's fine; she's blonde, and very rich, and people seem to like her, and her father has power when he's not affiliating himself with insane screaming hockey moms. She has a lot to enjoy in life, and a lot to be grateful for. So WHY does she feel the need to write a book? And why is she getting paid A LOT OF MONEY to do it? This is all kinds of wrong. SHE CAN'T EVEN WRITE. Am I jealous? Probably, at least over the book deal (I am fine being a brunette whose father isn't nicknamed 'Walnuts'), but more I'm indignant. I'd rather read a book by Bristol Palin, to be honest. At least there would be some crazy shit I could laugh at.

WTF, INTERNET?

[Found at LikeCool]
* This is something that, if I encountered a person wearing it in real life, I would just ignore it. I wouldn't know what to say. I would not know the appropriate response. Do I laugh at the dead man's image? Do I get offended? Do I ask what would inspire a reportedly sane human being to walk around with such neckwear? No. I would just ignore it. It confuses me, although if someone wore it to a wedding I would probably laugh, on the inside, while I talked frantically about the weather.

* Why would you want a mouse that shocks you? And what sort of sick, evil bastard would buy this for someone else? I get it's a gag gift, but it's not funny. It's awful, in fact. I secretly hope people buy this for themselves, bring it to work, get shocked, and freak out and threaten to sue the company for an injury, and make millions. That could be fun.

* This is the freakiest baby tool I have ever seen.

[Found at CrunchGear]
A whole generation will be spawned that considers soft plush hands to be their real parents, and the large meat-sacks to be the cruel nannies that mean nothing to them. Then they'll Twitter about it, and society will collapse because all the next generation will want is to be held by large plush hands.

* This really grosses me out, more than it probably should, but WHO I ask you, WHO looks at a GUN and thinks, 'Golly, wouldn't it be nifty if I could grind up flesh with this thing?' Or, conversely, 'Gee, why can't I shoot things with this meat grinder?'

[Found at LikeCool]
These are questions we are not ready to answer, as a people.

Well, I feel like we've established that the world is a strange, sometimes frightening place. Good to know.
- LV

PS As always, title of blog taken from this site.

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Alan Moore Can Communicate With Dolphins.

To make up for the total lack of Watchmen geekery below this, please feel free to check out this 'You know you're a Crazed Watchmen fan if...
The ones in Bold apply to your faithful blogger. Italicized bits are my comments on things. Also, I added the last two. Also, if someone could tell me who invented this, I will credit them.

You Know You're A Crazed Watchmen Fan...
If you did it thirty-five minutes ago.
If you saw 'the handshake' as more than just a handshake. Because it totally was.
If you wish you could multi-task like Dr. Manhattan.
If you spotted the BOYS folder the first time you saw Watchmen. And was one the only one laughing in the whole theater.
If you see Ozymandias' reasoning with the 'kill millions to save billions' idea.
If you want Rorschach's mask. Let's just leave it at 'Wanting Rorschach' shall we?
If you support Nite Owl X Rorschach. I support Rorschach X ANYONE. Except Viedt. The dick.
If you LOLed at the failed sex scene. It was so awkward, so, so awkward. And then Nite Owl goes and cries naked, in the basement, which will never stop being funny to me.
If you want Walter Kovacs/Rorschach as your pet. A pet that would totally kill you and everyone you've ever known.
If you bought a package of sugar cubes after the movie. Two. And now I'm addicted, and everyone is revolted by this quirk.
If you're a proud Watchmen fangirl. I think I qualify.
If you have the ability to turn any anime/video game/book/other character gay.
If you started talking like Rorschach after seeing the movie. As a JOKE. I WAS BEING FUNNY.
If you ever 'hurm'ed or ennk'd. It was an accident. HONEST.
If you've ever drawn fanart or written fanfiction for Watchmen.
If you think Veidt industries also manufactures purple 2x4's.
If you think Bubastis should have been red for the movie. Well, he should have. That's the only reason Alan Moore is pissed, you know.
If you noticed Ozy's suit was the only one with nipples. OK, this probably enraged Alan Moore and his beard as well.
If you started eating canned beans after the movie. I ate them BEFORE too. I just wasn't as secretly amused.
If your carry a copy a the Watchmen graphic novel with you at all times. What? I like having something to read? OK, I don't carry one with me at all times. I just always have one in my room, and compulsively reread it. But I'm keeping this bolded, because I'm too freaking lazy to go back and change it.
If you cry at the end of Watchmen every time. FOUR TIMES I SAW IT. I've read it DOZENS of times. And it's still sad. So, so sad. WHY DOES EVERYTHING I LOVE GET VAPORIZED?!
If you can write a 10 page eassy on why Rorschach is actually gay. Or why he's not a misogynist, or his literary tastes, or why he's my favorite character, or why it's his morals I admire not his values, or why his tiny gloves are so sexy, or...
If you argue daily with a friend that Adrian is gay. Because even ignoring the BOYS folder, he's gayer than the gayest gay elf that ever nanced down the pike. He's the king of GayTown.
If you get really, genuinely angry about people misunderstanding Watchmen or worse, Rorschach, on the internet. And the internet is by definition populated with stupid people, and yet it still makes me angry. YOU ARE WRONG. I DESPISE YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR.
If you have a Watchmen tattoo. I think this one speaks for itself.

Best. Fandom. Ever.
- LV

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Alan Moore Can Predict The Shuffle On His iPod.

Life
* There's not a lot going on in the wide world of the internets today, because it's some religious holiday weekend, which means everyone is off getting drunk and fornicating like godless sinners. Which I approve of, usually, although it would be nice to have more things to report on.

* Vote in my survey, people. I NEED INPUT. Do you like the new categories? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? And could you promote my blog? Because I am not doing too well with the promoting, and I feel dirty like an old whore when I'm running around begging people to read this thing. That is not a nice feeling. So you guys can do it, for a change.

Random
* This website is made up entirely of sandwiches being cut in half and scanned into the computer. I have no idea where the idea for this came from, but I'm torn between finding it idiotic and completely brilliant. On one hand, this guy is SCANNING sandwiches. He is cutting them in half and scanning them, and we are all looking at them. It's weird, but it's also really cool. You can see the inside of the sandwiches. And many of them look delicious. You see my dilemma. I need to understand. Where did this idea come from? What IS this? And why are more people interested in scans of sandwiches then my blog? (Answer: Sandwiches are delicious.)

* Another thing I fail to understand is Urban Camo. This reminds me of the time, freshman year in college, when one of my roommates and her boyfriend took the ladder from her loft bed, put it over their heads, and walked around the block with no shoes on. In New York. And when people asked them WHY they had a ladder on their heads and no shoes on their feet, on ground where people do awful, awful things, she would answer 'Why DON'T you have a ladder on your head?" Because, you see, she was a liberal arts student, and an ARTIST, and misunderstood, etc. And I was a liberal arts student, too. But I never felt the need to run around the street with furniture on my head in some desperate, sad attempt to show what an individual I am.


[Found at Geekologie]

Point is, these people make me think of her. Once again, like the scanned sandwiches, I do not understand. It's cool, but... why? Just because? OK. But unlike the sandwich scanning, which seems harmless and charming, this seems ominously like a 'statement' of some sort. Also, I could never love anyone who did this. I'm just saying.

* Apparently, this blog is becoming cake-focused. If so, that's fine. Cake is incredible. When done right, it's moist and delicious and sweet, and all that is good in this world. Plus, this isn't some regular cake. This is a frigging RAINBOW cake. If Rainbow Brite and the Care-Bears had joined forces, this is what they would have supped on whilst celebrating the defeat of their ruthless foes. That is how freaking great this cake is.

[Found at Geekologie]
Or hippies. Hippies would like this cake too. They'd probably add a 'magical ingredient' though, if you know what I mean, wink wink nudge nudge. I dislike hippies. But check out the link, because it gives you instructions on making this glorious piece of pastry, and then YOU can be like the Care Bears and Rainbow Brite, which is really everyone's secret desire in life.

Politics
* So, another dead dude is running a town. In Missouri, this time. Soon, all our small towns will be run by dead people or fictional characters (I'm sure those Twilight kids are already planning a Mayor Bella campaign that will send me into paroxysm of dementia), and it will make no difference in America, because apparently we're all going to be Socialist soon, or nuked. So I'm going to be voting for Mayor Darkwing Duck. At least I won't be throwing my vote away.

News
* In Orange County, California, I just witnessed the greatest car chase ever. In large part because no one was hurt, so I can enjoy it without being a horrible, horrible person. I can't find any news coverage, for some reason, but MSNBC has been following it very diligently, so I got to see the full footage. This woman is awesome. Probably out of her mind, but during the course of this chase, she:
- Drove into the median and spun circles while the cops chased her
- Got struck by a cop car and kept going
- Changed directions
- Got out of the CAR TO FLIP OFF THE COPS. The car started rolling away, and she DOVE BACK IN AND DROVE OFF AGAIN.

Seriously, who needs Fast and the Furious? This shit is FREE, and REAL, and far cooler.

WTF, INTERNET?
* Bacon-flavored lube. Wasn't there some Seinfeld episode about how sex, TV, and meat products would be the best experience ever? I don't know, I disliked that show. But once again, I find myself conflicted. I mean, if people get really, you know, EXCITED about the concept of bacon-flavored sexings, who am I to judge? Enjoy your bacon-dipped body parts. However, I'm unsure of how people can react in this situation. If your lover asks you to douse your unmentionables in bacon-flavored fluids, what do you say? Is there ANY way a relationship can survive someone refusing that offer? What if you just suggest chucking uncooked baking at each other in the bedroom? What if you're - gasp - a VEGAN? Then again, if you're partner's willing to compromise, maybe they'll settle for the Bacon-Flavored Lip Balm. I love bacon, but I don't really want to be ASSOCIATED with it. You know what I mean? I don't want to pass people on the street, and for them to point, and whisper, 'There goes the BACON LADY.' That is not the image I am aspiring to.

I had more stuff to write, but my mom is screaming about, I don't know, how unfair her poor life is, or something else. I'm not listening. This is why you should always move out, when you can. Always. Living at home in your twenties is like the seventh circle of HELL. I do not suggest it. I don't usually write about my family, because it's boring and personal, but JESUS CHRIST. Stupid economy, forcing me to live at home and not even have a car in which to FLEE.

Is it still running away from home if you're in your twenties? This is something I need to know.
- LV

PS Survey, blah blah blah, if you want. I don't care. Now I'm all sad.
PPSS Title ripped off from this website. They'll be suing me any day now.
PPPSSS A whole entry without mentioning Watchmen. I think I've really matured as a human being.

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There Are Only Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse, Because Alan Moore Is Going To Walk.

Craisins and coffee are a delicious conclusion to any hearty breakfast.

Oh, there's a survey you guys should take, because it's important deals with the format of this blog, so it affects YOU. It's up on the side, near the Watchmen widget I refuse to delete, even though the movie is out and it's over.

I've tried a new formatting technique, where I divide up the stuff I talk about based on topic. If you like, say. If you hate, say. I need input. But I like lists, and I like being organized, and damn it, this looks nice.

Life
* My new phone is amazing, and green and black, and I love it and it's super-sexy, but it's also vaguely frightening, because it has a GPS and can probably predict the future if I ask nicely enough. Technology scares me.

* Geekologie may be my new favorite site. Why did no one tell me about this? It's amazing AND informative, and has inspired a whole new category here on FEAR AND LOATHING, titled WTF, INTERNET? about the truly frightening shit that actually exists in our world, that you are expected to BUY. So thank you, Geekologie, for raising the bar for all bloggers.

Movies
* So, is this true, or is the internet just screwing with me? Because Gary Oldman is badassery squared. And if he IS in Iron Man 2 with Mickey FREAKING Rourke, I am near-giddy with joy and anticipation, and think Jon Favreau is GOD for casting such wonders alongside the Original Wonder That Is Robert Downey, Jr. Now I will DOOM the production by gleefully shouting, 'THIS MOVIE CANNOT SUCK!' and of course, it will then suck based on the laws of the universe, and it will be ALL my fault.

* This is what I like to call, unnecessary. Not EVERY movie requires a reboot. Creature From The Black Lagoon is a time capsule. Remember The Day The Earth Stood Still? Yeah, that was a classic movie too, until you RUINED it by putting Keanu Reeves and Jennifer Connelly in it and MAKING it. Remakes need to be approved by intelligent, loyal film fans before going into production.

* Gore Verbinski is bailing on the next Pirates Of The Caribbean installment, which might be a wise life choice. And did I hallucinate, or did I read somewhere that Russell Brand is going to play Captain Jack Sparrow's little brother? BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE ALL KINDS OF AWESOME. Russell Brand IS a pirate. A sexy, swarthy, British pirate.... What? Oh, yes, Verbinski. He's leaving. They'll probably hire Roland Emmerich, and aliens will blow the shit out of everything, and then something will explode. Epic.

* Twilight fans are such assholes. No, I'm done. I'm not adding anything. I stand by my statement. And I'm SO GLAD I'm an 'Anti' apparently.

* Since you brought it up, here's a whole forum devoted to how awful Twilight is. Now, usually I don't make fun of other people's fandoms. I have enough of my own, and they mean enough to me that I try to be at least RESPECTFUL of other people's fixations. Even when they're crazy. But this is ridiculous. I am sick of being told, 'You just don't get it.' Bitch, please. I have a fandom TATTOO. I memorized V For Vendetta, I've read every Harry Potter book countless times, I get hammered on Hunter Thompson's birthday, I am STILL angry they cancelled Firefly, when I was in sixth grade I dressed up as a Vulcan for Halloween (and got in trouble for having a costume that was TOO SEXY...).

I understand fandom love. And, unfortunately, I understand Twilight. It just SUCKS. And you need to stop forcing it down my throat. I do not CHASE YOU AROUND with copies of Watchmen shrieking, 'LOVE THE MASKED VIGILANTES!' Frankly, I don't give a SHIT if you don't like it. I like it, and that's enough. So leave me alone. You are totally welcome to love the bad writing of Stephenie Meyer. You can be all in love with that anti-bathing dazzling vampire dude. I have no problem with this. Until you start yelling at and hitting me for thinking it's awful. Then we have a problem.

Random Madness
* Rocket Babies. YES.
* How much do I want these juice boxes SHAPED LIKE FRUIT? Answer: More than ANYTHING.
* Back when I was nearly seventy pounds heavier, I used to eat some of the stuff that's been featured on this site. I don't anymore. I am no longer large. COINCIDENCE?

Politics
* The Republicans, when they are not in power and actually working at killing everyone you know and love, are a source of consistent entertainment. Because, you know, increasing our defense budget is JUST what our enemies want, because it will somehow.... allow them to destroy America? It doesn't HAVE to make sense, it's just RIGHT. Right-Wing! Ehehehe.....

* I know it makes me a bad, immature person, but I really just can't take pirates seriously. Except the ones in Tales of the Black Freighter, because those motherfuckers will EAT YOUR FACE AND STEAL YOUR SOUL.

* See, this is why I hate people. If you're going to tell hideous lies about gay people, like 'Oh Noes! They is going to eat our babies and steal mah teevee sets and they can make VOLCANOES ERUPT AT WHIM,' at least get actors who can goddamn SELL it. These people cannot.

Stuff That Burns The Eyes
* This is, inarguably, the scariest cake ever baked in the history of pastries. It scares the shit out of me. It makes babies weep and then become sterile. It causes birds to fall dead from the sky. It's supposed to be Shrek:
[Found at CakeWrecks]

* There's an article that goes with this picture, and more pictures, but really, once you SKIN a beloved childhood character, that pretty much ends ALL conversations:
[Found at Cracked]

Watchmen
* There are a lot of these, but this is the only one that matters. It's funny. But more importantly, it's RORSCHACH AND WOLVERINE.

Technology
* I can't decide if this is the next stage of human evolution, or proof that we are all fucked, for real. The IDEA is sound, but the execution? It looks like a mutant can-opener is eating you from the feet up. It's SCARY.

WTF, INTERNET?
* You can buy garbage in a plastic box. New York garbage, which is the rarest and most beautiful of all garbage, and visible only to the trained eye of an expert hunter. If you crave these gorgeous, exotic little piles of trash, it's $50. For garbage.

* Behold, the most frightening/disgusting mouse in the history of the internet. I can't get over how psychologically damaging it would be to walk into an office and see someone clicking at their plummeting stocks with THIS monstrosity:
[Found at LikeCool]

* Who has ever looked at a blow-up doll, one of the saddest inventions known to God and Man, and thought, 'Gee, If only I could WEAR this thing around, in public. How post-modern and edgy! I would surely have friends, then'? Answer: This dude.

Lot of stuff today. That's part of the survey on the side, which you should be taking, for America and Obama and Jesus.
- LV

PS It almost goes without saying, but I don't want to get sued for being stupid, so remember that I totally am spoofing the genius of this site in all my blog titles.

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Alan Moore's Wikipedia Entry Has Been Completely Fabricated By The Catholic Church.

You know what's not fun? Coding for hours and hours, especially when you're not a coder. Your eyes glaze over, you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes back, and it's MORE CODES. And I get to do that again, today, for five hours, huzzah!

Also, my phone broke. As in, part of it MELTED. And it smells. And nothing happens when I press the buttons. Stupid phone, sabotaging my life. Soon I'll have to post one of those unbelievably irritating Facebook bulletins, 'I lost my cell phone give me your numbers!' And to punish me for my dislike of such posts, Facebook will crash and not let me post anything. It's OK, though, because I have an alternate plan: homing pigeons. Kick-ASS homing pigeons. I win.

* Gabriel Garcia Marquez is not dead, and still writing. Just in case you were wondering. Good to know, yes?

* This is a great blog about the new Nightmare on Elm Street which I am a little insane about re: Jackie Earle Haley as Freddy Kreuger. Luckily, the blog is flattering enough to placate even a rabid girl-geek like myself.

* Here's an interview with Robert Downey, Jr. about Iron Man 2 and The Soloist, which will mark the first time I've paid to see Jamie Foxx in a movie since Collateral, so good on Mr. Downey, Jr. Then again, I've watched real unquantifiable shit because Robert Downey, Jr. was in it (I am looking at you, The Singing Detective. HONESTLY, what type of musical doesn't let RDJ sing? And Mel Gibson, why do you fail at everything?) so really Jamie Foxx is irrelevant. Per usual. I am, however, quite looking forward to this movie. It has a lot of potential.

* You've heard by now that Terminator: Salvation is rated PG-13, and some people find this awful and a sure sign that the franchise will fail. This guy doesn't think so, and I agree. I also don't really care, because remember the third entry in the series? Rated R, and sucked so bad it hurt. So, no, I do not think the goddamn rating has anything to do with the quality of the movie (although I'm STILL trying to figure out how Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince got a PG rating. If you've read the book, you'll understand why. If you haven't, um..... the little magical children have happy magical adventures, and nothing bad ever happens, ever). Every time I see a trailer, I get excited. I especially love that line, 'This is not the world my mother warned me about.' I will be seeing this. And so will you. Don't sully yourself with lies.

* Considering the fact that Blockbuster led to the demise of the local video store where I worked, fell in love, and saw a ridiculous number of movies, it's surprising that I feel a bit sad now that the bastard is going under as well. But the whole thing makes me think of Be Kind Rewind (excellent movie, GO RENT IT) which was wonderful and summed up the feeling of a failing store perfectly, and at this point I feel sad when anything goes under.

* Holy crap, it's snow. Here. In New Jersey. In April. The third horseman of the apocalypse has showed up, and he's wearing a ski jacket.

* This is a bookshelf that can be turned into a coffin. Well.... OK. This could be useful in the coming zombie apocalypse, although remember to destroy the brain before you bury it. Otherwise... yeah, I do not understand this at all.
Found at LikeCool.

* Bobby Jindal clearly does not want to have a career in politics. Also, he's angering the volcano gods, and when you screw with them, SHIT GOES DOWN.

* If, like me, you find the Twittering of insane old politicians to be endlessly entertaining, I humbly suggest this website for all your Tweets of Crazy.

* This chart sums up my opinion on gay marriage:

* As if this blog doesn't risk Alan Moore's ire enough (what with the Rorschach tattoos, the endless fangirl blatherings, the blog titles, etc.) here is another example of why Watchmen fans are the coolest, sexiest, most fucking rad people ever, the end. Also wins the FEAR AND LOATHING Award for Best Use Of A Ken Doll:
Made by thefangirlblog of LiveJournal, who let me post this because really everyone needs to see this thing. She also did a Joker doll, which is too scary to post on my blog. She's kind of amazing.

* In our continuing Harry Potter coverage, the kid who plays Vincent Crabb (AKA, big dumb Slythering bully number 1) was arrested for possession of marijuana. Namely, he was growing it. Insert your own pot jokes, I'm sick of them (helpful hint: EVERYONE laughs at 'magic plant' references).

* Best movie reviews ever. NOT SAFE FOR WORK. NSFW at all. Not even a little bit. Do not click this link if you are around people. I'm not going to jail for YOU or ANYBODY (if you get the quote, I'll mention you on this blog).

* Where The Wild Things Are looks effing incredible. It's like it crawled out of my imagination onto the big screen. I'm very excited, even though this attitude may lead to crushing disappointment. But I have faith in Spike Jonze. I BELIEVE IN YOU, MAN. I want the poster. It is a work of art.

* This is basically a TrekGasm review of the new Star Trek movie, but I want to see it and I am happy it is getting good reviews, so I am posting this good review. I'm also happy it hasn't been leaked, because most of America would be fired/in jail. Which wouldn't help the economy (OR WOULD IT?!).

* Sigh. Octo-Mom is getting a reality/dating show. I am tired of this woman and her crazy. Her kids have no chance of being normal. She doesn't even anger me anymore. I just want her to go away from the teevee and leave me alone. I don't even know why I'm posting this.

* THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I STOP WATCHING HOUSE. GOD. I MISS THE EPISODE AND THEN STUFF HAPPENS AND IT'S LIKE THE BEST EPISODE EVER, APPARENTLY, BUT NOW KAL PENN IS ALL GOVERNMENTAL AND NOT ON THE SHOW ANYMORE. To be honest, I think that's really cool, and anyone who has worked with Hugh Laurie AND Barack Obama needs to give me money, because that's just not fair. Now I need to find a stream of the episode, so I can be back in the loop Teevee-wise. I wish Mr. Penn the best, and hope he's prepared to fake-laugh his way through a shitload of pot jokes, at least for the first few months.

* Spike Jonze is making an Everyone Poops movie? OK. There are jokes to be made, here, but.... to be honest I'm a little scared. Although it could run as a double-feature with Where The Wild Things Are.

Time for work. And to get a new phone. Because the carrier pigeons are more interested in clawing out the tender eyes of my neighbors than delivering messages to my friends. Which, while hilarious, doesn't help me much.
- LV

PS As always, because I am uncreative, the title of this post was shamelessly spoofed from this wonderful site.

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