Bruce Campbell Once Visited The Virgin Islands. They Are Now The Islands.

Blog
* Burn Notice is back on this week, right? Right?

Geek Want
* Normally I don't encourage drinking, because when I drink I tend to make a fool of myself and get escorted off the premises, like Courtney Love (without the heroin). However:

[Found at NerdApproved]
I've been drinking all morning. I'm drunk right now. And by 'drunk,' I mean, 'injecting coffee because I need to wake up and go to work soon, and drooling on the keyboard is frowned upon. But truth in advertising win. I want someone to take a nip of this before a big gang fight. That would be SWEET.

Politics
* Does anyone else think that maybe Sean Hannity has a little crush on Sarah Palin? And by 'little crush' I mean, 'deep, twisted, erotic obsession the likes of which we have not yet seen and may indeed swallow us all in a black pit of lust.' Did you see the video of these two in the woods? The dude LIKES her, and not in the wholesome way. So his article defending Ms. Palin's cut and run from her job needs to be read in sonorous, seductive tones, out loud, to a frightened and confused family member. And frankly, I agree that abruptly quitting your job because it's too hard does not really earn you a lot of credit. It's like deciding that playing 'Operation' is too stressful, then announcing you're going to be a brain surgeon.

WTF, INTERNET?
* I know I said I wouldn't post any more of these. I KNOW. I remember. But it's Tuesday, which is Monday if you had Monday off, and I'm in a bout of serious insomnia, and I finished my book yesterday and have hundreds of pages of editing to do, and frankly, it's my damn blog AND YOU AIN'T THE BOSS OF ME. Sorry. It's only coffee number two. Um, with all that in mind, here is a hand-carved leather toilet seat lid:

[Found at BoingBoing]
So what's sadder? Ordering one of these? Or sitting at home carving them? I mean, at least if you're the carver you're getting paid. I think the saddest bit would be telling people, 'Have you seen my toilet? The lid is hand-carved leather!' and waiting for enthusiasm that will NEVER COME. This actually rather aggravates me. WHY WOULD YOU SPEND MONEY ON THIS? I have NEVER been in a house and thought, 'The decor just SCREAMS for some carved leather toilet seats.' I know, I'm weird like that.

Movie!Win
* The new G.I. Joe movie is going to be awful. It has to be. Even the trailer makes me feel mildly depressed, for the most part. I have no illusions that it will be like Tranformers 2, only more so, but without Megan Fox making me wish I wasn't of the same gender, and Michael Bay making me wish I wasn't of the same species. So why, you ask, is this under Movie!Win?
Two words: Christopher Eccleston. Why he's IN this movie I do not know, nor do I WANT to know. It saddens me. Why doesn't he go back to Heroes and beat the shit out of Peter Petrelli again, for the good of the world? I enjoyed that. Or call Danny Boyle and convince him to make a movie that you could be in, like Shallow Grave. I AM NOT EVEN GOING INTO DOCTOR WHO BECAUSE I WILL CRY AND NOTHING WILL GET DONE, EVER. The point is, he is deliciously snarky in this trailer and I want him bad:

DID YOU SEE THE BIT WHERE HE GLARED AT YOU AND SAID THE WORDS? I am going to go see this movie, in theaters. When he is onscreen I will be rapt and silent. When he is offscreen I will loudly yell, 'Where's Christopher Eccleston?' until he comes back on, or the authorities are called, whichever comes first.

Animals

I want an army of these. Together we will save Christopher Eccleston from his evil agent, or whoever makes all major life choices for him.

Daily Hot Guy

[Ralph Fiennes, who thanks to movies like Red Dragon, the Harry Potter series, and even Schindler's List, has made an entire generation feel profoundly uncomfortable about being attracted to him]

Apocalypse How?
* I will be so humiliated if Swine Flu ultimately kills us all off. It's not a sexy disease. Like the disease of sexy I just invented, right now. And it doesn't turn anyone into zombies, it just makes you sick and sometimes dead. That's no fun. I mean, really, I kind of hope there's no afterlife, because having to explain to all the other dead people, 'I was killed by Swine Flu' will be so demeaning. Anyway, there's a drug-resistant case of Swine Flu, meaning it's getting stronger, and we're all going to die and it will be AWKWARD, the end.

Doctor Who
* First, a picture of the present Doctor:

[Found at Wired]
He is a tall drink of water, is he not? Just because my heart belongs to Nine in NO WAY implies that I do not desperately love Ten, and am very, VERY sad he's leaving. But did you hear there may be a Doctor Who movie? That doesn't suck like the one from the nineties, that I still have not seen in its entirety because I am from America, where everything FAILS? And Tennant will play the Doctor in movies, but the New Guy (he hasn't EARNED a name yet) will be on the TeeVee, and there will ALMOST be enough Doctor in the world to satisfy me? THIS HAS GOT TO BE TRUE BECAUSE I NEED IT TO BE TRUE? There's an awful lot of Doctor-related screaming this morning, isn't there?

Zombies
* This movie contains both zombies and mobsters:

Beyond that I know nothing about this movie. Nor do I care. Zombies and dudes with guns? 'I'll make him an offer he can't BRAAAAAAAINS.'

Girly Shit
* I don't usually use lip pencil, because I am utterly convinced that no matter how carefully I blend, I will end up looking like one of those women who lines their lips with a dark color then fills it with a totally different color, and everyone has to actively try not to stare at their freaky-looking lips. But I may try these, because Urban Decay is a throwback to my high school days of blue hair and a tongue piercing, and while I don't MISS those times, AT ALL, it is nice to know that it wasn't so long ago that all my makeup brands are out of business.

Music
* This is a really fucking gorgeous picture of Jimi Hendrix:

[Found at TheWorldsBestEver]
I have nothing to add besides that. And really, it's Hendrix. Soak up the glory.

Technology
* This car can go in the water AND on the land.

[Found at DVICE]
I can't honestly say why anyone would need a car that goes in the water, and remember that Doctor Who episode where the cars trapped everyone inside and poisoned everyone, and they died? Yeah, well, it would be even worse underwater. Although (always think, I am) it would make escaping zombies easier, provided there was water and you wanted to use it to escape, and also you didn't run out of gas at the bottom of the lake, because BOY, would your face be red.

Food
* My friends from Vegan Radio, who fed me this weekend and thus earned my eternal affection (I want more blueberry pancakes, NOW) sent me this link, about how not all alcohol is vegan. This is useful also if you're a vegetarian, or just find the idea of drinking fish scales to be really, really alarming. It never occurred to me that a cider could be non-vegetarian. I eat meat, (as we all know) but I like to KNOW that I'm ingesting meat. So I may use this site. Plus, it's a good conversation starter. It's also a little funny, how some of these companies have no idea if their product is vegan-friendly. How do you NOT KNOW what is in your product? That's like going to the salad bar and someone saying, 'Well, there MAY be trace amounts of peanuts that are coated in salmonella, but we don't know, would you like a free soda with your order?'

Watchmen
* Yesterday I was reminded why I love Twitter, in no small part due to a conversation about Zack Snyder than involved zombies, ninjas, pasties, & road trips and shirtless Jackie Earle Haleys. So let us all sit quietly and listen to Zack Snyder's mellifluous voice as he explains about Watchmen, 300, Sucker Punch, and cleverly AVOIDS ADMITTING THAT THE BLU-RAY PEOPLE HAVE TAKEN HIS FAMILY HOSTAGE. Sorry. I'm upset about Blu-Ray. Zack Snyder's hot. There, I said it. Zack Snyder + Jackie Earle Haley = Fangirl Squee. There are Video Clips in this link.

Told you. Not that I just spent ten minutes I don't have looking for a picture of just JEH and Zack Snyder sitting together talking about Watchmen or anything. That would be sick and wrong.

Now I'm late for work.
- LV

moreless

Were I Unwed I Would Take You In A Manly Fashion.

Blog
* Wash, you are an endless source of delight. Title is from Firefly.

Watchmen
* So I am insane about the fact that Watchmen: The Director's Cut is only coming out with all the special features in Blu-Ray, which I DO NOT HAVE AND CANNOT AFFORD, ZACK SNYDER. I SAW THE MOVIE FOUR TIMES IN THEATERS. I MADE EVERYONE I KNOW GO SEE IT. I HAVE A RORSCHACH TATTOO. I WIN. YOU FAIL. LET ME SEE THIS MOVIE. Ahem. Anyway, apparently at Comic-Con they're going to show the Director's Cut, and you can watch it online and then ask Zack Snyder questions, and all mine will be about WHY DO YOU HATE THOSE OF US WITHOUT BLU-RAY?

Tattoo Of Win
* This is not sarcastic or snarky, because these tattoos are beautiful:

[Found at Neatorama]
They're supposed to look like crayon drawings, and I think they're quite lovely. Designs by Yann Travaille, who should design a Hunter Thompson tattoo for me that isn't masculine, and then tattoo me for free, because I am cheap.

Food
* Screw the candies, which I am sure are disgusting and look like they have that dusty shit I DESPISE, and just give me the amazering holders:

[Found at Geekologie]
I want to use these things to hold makeup and change and drugs. What? WHAT? Pac-Man never said no. To ANYTHING.

Comics
* See, I am excited about The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly comic. But I'm also worried. Because The Man With No Name is a force of nature, and if you screw up his tale, he will hunt you down. It doesn't matter where you go or how far you run. He will follow, always, and he will find you, and then he will BURY YOU ALIVE, which sucks. But I had nothing to do with the comic, so I simply will look forward to this comic, which is written by Chuck Dixon. I may not buy it, because the cover irritates me in a nonspecific way, but I always like a good Western. Then again, I like total and insane violence, too, so I may not be the best barometer for, well, anything.

Words Of Win

see more Fail Blog

YouTube Wonders
* This is a short video of a cute baby snuggling with a cute puppy. It's Monday. Don't push it.
\

Books
* James Joyce rules. Here is a recording of him reading a section of Finnegan's Wake. It's OK if you don't always understand what Joyce is talking about. He's a writer whose words flow over you. Like fine wine. That you bathe in. Yes, I bathe in wine. Constantly.

Vampires
* Last night I finished the rough draft of my Epic Vampire Novel of Dubious Quality (except for the epilogue, which I have written in my head but have yet to put on paper). I also learned that I'm an idiot, but that's a daily discovery. To celebrate the rough draft being (essentially) finished, here is a guide to other vampire worlds of True Blood, Angel, and that Sparkly Vampire Franchise. Notice that the ones that DON'T suck also DON'T sparkle. And sparkle and suck start with the same letter, so airtight logic, Twilight FAILS.

People I Love
* Here is a video of Russell Brand. I am going to be a Brandystripper. It is my Calling. Do not question my life choices.

Remake!Fail
* How wrong is it that I am sort of thrilled by the upcoming disaster of the Spiderman Musical? It cannot be good. It just CAN'T. Spiderman is not MEANT to be in musical for? But I want to go, and see it, despite the fact that I loathe Bono AND Evan Rachel Wood. Alan Cumming as Green Goblin is inspired (although why isn't Willem Dafoe doing it? Can he sing? I'd pay to see him try), so that's one positive. Personally I'm hoping they can't get Jim Sturgess to play Spidey, because while I think he's talented and gorgeous and maybe have a little thing for him, I want them to miscast the role. I want Ashton Kutcher to play Spidey. YES. Can you IMAGINE? The stage would collapse under the weight of such horrors. And Alan Cumming would jump to safety, and Evan Rachel Wood would do something disgusting and get accolades for a great movie just because she didn't ruin it, and Ashton Kutcher would Tweet about how nobody understands his genius, the end.

Depression Session
* What do you do when you've destroyed the ozone layer AND you're broke because you spent all your money on tickets for the new Spiderman Musical, and now it's summer and the sun is burning through your delicate flesh? Make your own sunblock, and remember the days before the world was doomed to hell. Or just stay indoors, like me. Away from the sun. IT BURNS US. Or you could pretend you're an earth mother/father who loves to be economical and homey, and pretend that the economic collapse has NOTHING to do with your decisions. Nothing at all.

TeeVee
* Remember when the networks weren't afraid of freaking out kids? And they showed stuff that was actually frightening, as scary shows should be? I miss Are You Afraid of the Dark. And Snick. That whole night was epic. Space Cases, anyone? Jewel Staite for the win! But Are You Afraid of the Dark will always be special. It scared the everloving shit out of me regularly, and assured everyone that I'd spend the night crying in the corner of my room with every light blazing, convinced I was going to die a hideous TV-14 death.
Now I love horror movies. I have seen hundreds of the most twisted, deviant films out there (Poughkeepsie Tapes, anyone? Bueller?) But just looking at the pictures of these '35 Creepiest Are You Afraid of the Dark? Characters' brought back an almost physical reaction. Zeebo the clown?

You KNOW my clown issues. In fact, by posting this picture, I can no longer look at my own blog. I had to close my eyes while I copied and pasted.
The little boy who kept saying, 'I'm cold?'

GOD DAMN. And you see that mummy?

That mummy is the reason why, for MOST of my childhood, I would not sleep with my back to the door. EVER. So let us reminisce about the scary things that go bump in the night, and wonder aloud as to WHY THE HELL this show isn't on DVD. BECAUSE IT IS NOT. I HAVE LOOKED.

Journalism
* I do not like CNN. I miss MSNBC, but since we switched over our TV service, we can't get it. I miss Keith Olbermann yelling at me through the TV, and Pat Buchanan screaming and predicting doom. I miss my friends. But CNN does have moments of jaw-dropping stupidity that make me laugh, in terror. This whole piece on CNN blathering about how important Twitter is while completely and utterly ignoring people Tweeting about the Iranian election and effectively using the social network to get attention to an issue is funny. You have to laugh. Because these people are paid to do these things.
Look, Twitter is not perfect. It is deeply flawed (and fuck whoever started those rumors about Jeff Goldblum being dead, THAT WAS MEAN), but if you know how to weed through the bullshit, it can be unbelievably useful. This morning, Twitter told me Robert S. McNamera was dead a full half an hour before I saw it on the news. And while I would like some journalists to use Twitter (not just Tweet news stories for their networks, actually USE IT), it's a new source of information, and CNN is just scared shitless.
Then again, MSNBC uttered this line of Epic, Soul-Crushing Fail:

So maybe I should stop watching news on TV. For my health.

Wow
* I want to go to a Banksy show. Even though he revealed himself to not be a ninja. Not that I was hoping for that at all. Um, here's a BBC video of his show. Which features no ninjas.


Daily Hot Guy

[Chris Pine AKA Captain James Tiberius Kirk, making me lust after the Captain for the first time in Star Trek history, although my heart belongs to Spock, and Data, for always]

Today I finish writing a book. The first draft. Second draft will destroy what remains of my delicate sanity. Talk amongst yourselves.
- LV

moreless

LISTEN TO THE CHAIR-LEG OF TRUTH! IT DOES NOT LIE!

Blog
* It may not lie, but the splinters are a bitch. Title is from Transmetropolitan, and pretty accurately displays the type of man I want to marry.

Ad!Win
* Wow.

[Found at ETOnline]
Um. David Beckham looks like the world's sexiest tattooed nazi. His hair is.... um. I'm lying, I'm not looking at his hair. I will buy any product that features this ad. For any amount of money.

Harry Potter
* YES. Bill Nighy is going to be in Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows! My dream is coming together. Now all I need is Hugh Laurie as some random Imperioed dude, Russell Brand as a Death Eather (of SEX), and Tim Roth as a young Snape, and I will be the happiest member of Team Snape this side of the Atlantic.

WTF, INTERNET?
* I think we've pretty much established that my unborn, unconceived children are going to have awful lives centered around basically playing out all my fandoms in childhood form, what with being named after fictional vigilantes and only getting to play with toys I wish I'd had, etc. So in that context, this is not the worst thing I could adorn my children with:

[Found at Geekologie]
My kids are wearing this the first day of school. And they will all be named Walter. Even the girls. No, the girls will be named Hunter. My children will be weird and have no friends and live in my basement for always.

Movie!Win
* To all those people worrying about Bruno, and whether it will encourage homophobia, or undermine the gay movement, or cause Ron Paul to quit politics, or whatever, let me offer these sage words of wisdom: calm the fuck down. And give in to Bruno, with these video clips from the movie.

Animals
* And now for your moment of pure, unadulterated terror, and utter conviction that the planet really, really hates you:


Daily Hot Guy

[Sendhil Ramamurthy, from Heroes, who is almost TOO attractive. LOOK at him. He's mind-bogglingly handsom. He's kind of pretty, but not feminine. And the accent. This man is dangerous to the general population. So I humbly offer to keep him away from the masses, in my basement. I am a patriot.]

Apocalypse How?
* Follow my logic here. People in stressful situations smoke. A lot. Politics is a stressful business. Many politicians smoke. But then the health officials and PR guys get on their cases, and so they try to quit, BUT QUITTING SMOKING IS HARD, and some say worse than even heroin, so they take medication to quit smoking, and the medication to make them quit smoking makes them go crazy and press the button that nukes us all, and we all die because YOU PEOPLE won't let me smoke in coffee shop. I hope you're happy.

Celebrity!Fail
* Megan Fox and Michael Bay are fighting. I'm not sure what about. I do not care. Michael Bay is no longer my favorite explodey director, ever since I sat through Transformers 2, which I WILL NOT GET OVER. And Megan Fox is so stunningly stupid that it's actually embarrassing to be a member of the same gender. So I sort of hope they have an epic death match, and then Martin Scorcese runs them over with the Pussy Wagon from Kill Bill, and I don't have to deal with either of their bullshit anymore, the end.

Doctor Who
* Russell T. Davies talks about the future of Doctor Who, and I am still sad about NINE, and now you're taking TEN away? AND WE ONLY HAVE THIRTEEN REGENERATIONS YOU CAN'T WASTE THEM. I am stressed.

Inglourious Basterds
* There are new posters for the Tarantino movie, and I have nothing snarky to say at all.

[Found at EmpireOnline]
Oh, Quentin, you make my heart go all aflutter.

Zombies
* Have you made a movie about zombies? Is it short because nobody has any money anymore, and soon all our films will be less than twenty minutes? If so, submit your zombie film here. Be a part of the solution, not the apocalypse. Also, Cory Doctorow said to.


Girly Shit
* All joking aside, I really hope that soon all makeup comes in a spray bottle.

[Found at DailyMakeover]
Firstly, because I am always looking for the product that will make me look like I have a flawless complexion.
Second, because if anyone pisses me off, I can pull out a cigarette lighter and have a teeny tiny flame-thrower.

Music
* Here's an an acoustic version of Poker Face by Lady Gaga.

Girl may have crazy weird fashion sensibilities (THAT I WANT, ONLY PANTS INCLUDED) but you cannot argue that the girl has talent. Well, of course you could, but I will ignore you and scream 'POKER FACE' at you and run away, and if I really get annoyed I too will eschew pants, for AMERICA.

Technology
* This may be the greatest wall ever.

[Found at Geekologie]
There are, of course, a few problems. One, if you have some ass friend who thinks sticking forks in electric sockets is high humor, you will not have the wall for long. Two, Doctor House also likes to electrocute himself, to prove a point. Three, if the power goes out, you immediately have to kill yourself. Problematic.

More later. Have to go write. And eat delicious vegan food.
- LV

moreless

Bruce Campbell Doesn't Use Pickup Lines. He Simply Says, 'Now.'

Blog
* And you say, 'Yes sir, absolutely.'

Life
* I really fucking dislike any day that requires me to interact in close quarters with people I am biologically affiliated with. Erm, Happy Fourth of July? I may go into the nearby town and laugh at the teabaggers. For shits and giggles.

Comics
* Chuck Dillon has drawn twenty types of art school students. I went to school with a lot of these people:

[Found at Neatorama]
And we all know that the True Gods are Alan Moore, Hunter S. Thompson, and.... I don't know. The third member of the trinity rotates, depending on my mood. Joss Whedon? Terry Pratchett? Martin Scorcese? Jimi Hendrix? Why are there no female gods? Hm. Warrants some serious thought, doesn't it?

Moment of Win

see more Fail Blog

YouTube Wonders
* I KNOW you've all seen this, but it NEVER STOPS BEING FUNNY. I've tried to kill the humor. THERE IS NO WAY. So, Enjoy.


Books
* Never let me into the seven most impressive libraries in the world. Because the following conversation will take place, in one form or another:
'Well, Miss LV, what do you think- Give them back.'
'It's a lovely library! Really, very nice. What?'
'You've got books stuffed into your shirt and pants.'
'How DARE you? I'm just enormously fat. You didn't notice when I came in.'
'Your fat is book-shaped?'
'Yes, and actually I'm quite sensitive about my book-shaped fat.'
'A first-edition dickens just fell out of your shirt.'
'I have to go to the bathroom.'
'I'm calling the police.'
'Yes, well, I'll be running away now. Slowly. With my enormous pile of book-fat.'

Vampires
* In case you're bored with vampires from the past or present, here are future space vampires! OMFGWTFBBQ! My vampires are not from the future. Or space. They're from New Jersey. Make whatever jokes you must. Cretins.

People I Love
* This is the reason I love Russell Brand:

[Found at Jezebel]
I would marry him. Inevitably our love would sour and we'd end up on Inside Edition calling each other horrible names, but UNTIL that happened it would be glorious, sexy fun. What? It's Fourth of July. Thomas Jefferson would be PROUD, dammit. And Ben Franklin. You KNOW they were big pimpin'.

Depression Session
* Crabtree & Evelyn filed for bankruptcy. Oh, noes! Where will I buy overpriced, stinky candles, lotions, and soaps NOW? Oh, wait. Yankee Candles are still OK. And there's still a Sephora at the mall. America is safe, people.

Daily Hot Guy
* Since it's the Fourth of July, and I AM an American, despite what my grandparents scream at me from time to time, I've been looking through my folders to find an all-American DHG. And I have been FAILING. Apparently I have a serious weakness for accents. But there are a few. So, let us celebrate those All-American boys we love so much:

[Alan Tudyk, born in El Paso, Texas]

[Hunter S. Thompson, born in Louisville, Kentucky]

[Robert Downey, Jr. born in New York City]

[Jackie Earle Haley, born in Northridge, California]

[Zachary Quinto, born in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania]

[Bruce Campbell, born in all places at all times, eternal and GODLIKE, but mainly from Royal Oak, Michigan, land of KINGS]
Dry your eyes, and be proud to be an American.

Politics
* As I know you know, Sarah Palin is resigning from High Priestess of Batshit of Alaska, to, I don't know, eat David Letterman and sue someone, or something. Or plan to take over the White House, which scares the shit out of me. Also, she may be pregnant, according to Rick Sanchez, who maybe doesn't know what the hell is going on. Nobody knows. But her hair is very tossy and nice, so she's got that going for her. WHAT WILL AMERICA DO WITHOUT SARAH PALIN TO LAUGH AT? LOOK AT THE HUMOR SHE HAS BROUGHT US, PEOPLE:
- Remember when David Letterman made a stupid joke, and it wasn't very funny but nobody would have noticed, and Sarah Palin's head exploded, and she vowed bloody retribution because she DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THE JOKE and made it into some hideous political statement about how David Letterman thinks all girls should be impregnated by steroided-up baseball players, and tried to make it a Universal and Powerful Statement? Good times.
- Did you read about when she was jogging and she fell down and executed all the Secret Service dudes who saw her, and wants to run a foot race against Obama, because obviously THAT will prove who should be running the country, OH SNAP SEE WHAT I DID THERE? Ouch. That was physically painful to type.

* I mean, politics will just not be as entertaining without Crazy Palin. How many other politicians have pornos made about them? And Mark Sandford's scandal is BORING compared to people wearing diapers and breaking into airplanes, DAVID VITTER I AM LOOKING AT YOU. I mean, is this what we'll have to look forward to until Sarah Palin unveils her Evil Master Plan for World Dominance?

It's a video of a cheese replica of President Abraham Lincoln. On FOX News. The man ended slavery and united the country (and YES I KNOW THE POLITICAL HISTORY, thank you) and was shot trying to watch a stupid play. To thank him, you carved him out of cheddar cheese.
Is anyone else suddenly really, really depressed?

Most likely more later. Because this is America, where the bloggers can say whatever they want, until they get sued by Sarah Palin or Anne Rice or something.
- LV

moreless

You Don't Fire Crazy. You Never Fire Crazy.

Blog
* Title is from Arrested Development, and probably the reason I am gainfully employed at the moment.

Freakangels Friday
* OR IS IT? Actually, there is an interlude, and I may have wept bitter steampunk-crazed tears, because Karl was finally back in the storyline, and because I love FREAKANGELS. But you should read the interlude, which is very interesting despite the utter lack of Karl. WARREN ELLIS IS A CRUEL MASTER.


Apocalypse How?
* Ants are one of those species where I find them cute so long as they stay far away from me. This might be lingering affection from Anty in Honey, I Shrunk The Kids. Remember Rick Moranis? I do. I do. Anyway, while Anty was adorable, in part because he was huge and therefore couldn't crawl over me in my sleep (well he could, but I'd be dead if he did that, so it would be more painful but less traumatizing), I do not fancy the idea of ANT OVERLORDS RULING THE EARTH. There's this ginormous colony of ants, and there are billions of them, and they're working together, and they are going to ENSLAVE US AND CRAWL ALL OVER US AND IN OUR NOSES AND MOUTHS AND OH GOD THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.
I do not like bugs. I'd much rather have aliens rule us. Unless they look like ants. That would be the worst of both worlds.

Movie!Win
* Ricky Gervais is the only person who's allowed to be in those Night at the Museum movies and emerge with his dignity intact. And Ghost Town was funny and sad and I might have cried a little, because I do that. And the original Office and the show Extras both rank as some of the best television since the medium was invented, and I CRIED at the Christmas specials of both, because they were wonderful, and DOCTOR WHO WAS IN THE EXTRAS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL, and I maybe woke up everyone else in the house to tell them, only they didn't care because I am surrounded by heathens. Anyway, here's the trailer for Ricky Gervais' new movie, The Invention of Lying. I hope this time there is only laughter, and not tears. It's kind of uncomfortable to be the only person crying in a room.

Airplane Fear
* There is no freaking way I am sitting on a barstool, in an airplane, with no food or water, while flying to or from China. So move on. Unless the seats are coated with sedatives, or I get an injection before I get on the plane. Then you can throw me in the overhead compartment.

Doctor Who
* Continuing our trend of Attractive and Talented Actors Holding Fluffy Kittens, Levyathenn, who has her own TARDIS but won't let me on because she says I'm not ready because I JUST WANT TO PUSH ALL THE BUTTONS sent me this lovely and wondrous picture of joy:

This is why everyone should be on Twitter. Because we are going to bring about World Peace.

Jersey!Fail
* Yes, we have the worst freaking drivers. Except for New York. They're worse. I won't drive in that city. I want to live. But at least those drivers run you down and flip you off, then get arrested, the end. We like to see the issues sink in here in the Garden State.

Zombies
* Reader Julia, who should just be declared Zombie Warrior Supreme, sent me this link of quick tips to survive the zombie outbreak. Because, as she put it, when the apocalypse comes, we won't have time to read all of Max Brooks. SO GO READ IT NOW, PEOPLE. FOREWARNED IS FOREARMED. Man, I want the zombies to attack NOW. I'm bored. And totally prepared. BRING IT. Also, zombies always more manageable than economic crisis or healthcare reform.

Girly Shit
* I both want this dress, and find it very ugly:

[Found at FabSugar]
Diane von Furstenburg often causes such consternation. Buy it for me, so that I might decide whether I love it or not. The confusions, it eats my brains. LIKE A ZOMBIE.

Music
* Are these the coolest, weirdest looking guitars you've ever seen? The answer is YES.

[Found at CoolHunting]
Or, if they aren't, WHERE DO YOU GO TO SEE SUCH COOL GUITARS? And why don't you take me? Why would you keep the coolnes to yourself? You're so selfish.

Technology
* First of all, I think this is totally cute:

[Found at DVICE]
It's a speed-monitoring system that keeps track of police cars and cameras that could give you tickets. Because I am a good driver, I don't need one. And, frankly, if you're getting enough tickets that you need to buy one of these things, maybe you need to reexamine your lifestyle. Just a suggestions. Still, it's cute, yes?

Watchmen
* This doesn't directly have anything to do with Watchmen. Except that, as I always say, EVERYTHING does. It does. Think about it. And this piece of art, which in and of itself is very pretty and interesting, looks like Doctor Manhattan:

[Found at DVICE]
Also in unrelated to Watchmen but totally related, there's an article on how kids with names like Walter are more likely to become criminals. So my unborn, unconceived child Walter Hunter Rory Spock Alan, is going to be the most prolific murderer in the history of the world. Win!

Daily Hot Guy

[Ewan McGregor, tragically dressed, but not for long, I'm sure, and did you hear he totally dismissed Megan Fox's existence? And he rides a motorcycle around? Oh, Ewan. You were one of my first crushes. I blame The Pillow Book. It also may have damaged ALL future relationships I will have. You know why]

Tattoo Of Win
* Um.

[Found at LOLTATZ]
I loved Invader Zim, and still sometimes yell out random lines (including, 'Gaz taste me. I'm DELICIOUS,') and try to maintain admiration for Jhonen Vasquez, EVEN THOUGH Jellyfist was extremely disappointing, but I'm not sure about these tattoos. Then again, I have the symbol of a homicidal, paranoid, unkempt vigilante tattooed on me, so maybe I should just be quiet now. They are nicely done. The point is, I DON'T KNOW IF THE TITLE OF THIS CATEGORY IS SARCASTIC. I AM CONFOUNDED.

Food
* Yeah, this is not OK. As regular readers know, my parents are vegetarian/vegans. I am not. So I get a lot of commentary on my daily indulgence of bacon/meaty goodness. I don't really care. I do like some vegan products, and maybe if the vegans stopped yelling, I wouldn't make such merciless fun of them. They are SERIOUS.
But I may have to get on board with them in this respect. There is something creepy, icky, and, well, WRONG about chickens being bitten by poisonous snakes, then served to people as food. I mean, poison is not a quick or painless way to go. Who thought up this idea? Dammit, vegans, FINE. I, LV, do not endorse chickens being killed by poisonous snakes. Just cut their heads off, deep fry them, and feed them to me. Happy? What do you mean I missed the point? YOU'RE missing deep-fried goodness.

More later. YES, for reals. Because it's the long weekend. And stuff is happening in the world. And I WILL finish the rough draft of the Epic Vampire Novel of Dubious Quality. Then I will celebrate with alcohol and Russell Brand. WHAT? It's Fourth of July weekend, nothing's going on really, and I deserve a saucy British lad for all my hard work. Also a unicorn. And a flamethrower. And a sword. And Givenchy shoes. FREEDOM FOR ALL!
- LV

moreless

Bruce Campbell Is The Reason Why Waldo Is Hiding.

Blog
* And when the new movie comes out, it will end in a grisly bloodbath.

People I Love
* My dear internet friend (that sounds weirder than it is) laroux74 sent me this, because she has magical powers and is benevolent and knows things the rest of us can't possibly comprehend:

see more Lol Celebs
Also, SYLAR KITTY.

Remake!Fail
* An American Werewolf in London was a great, fun, scary movie that more people should watch and appreciate. An American Werewolf in Paris was a terrible, confusing movie that was neither funny nor scary, and had slimy werewolves. So forgive me if taking ANOTHER stab at remaking an underrated horror movie does not fill me with unmitigated glee. And it's the company made those Halloween remakes, and you KNOW how I feel about them (hint: it begins with an 'h' and ends with an 'omicidal.'

Star Trek
* I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. But if I had to see this, you have to see it too. I can't be alone in this knowledge, people. This is on par with the horror of Watchwomen. Yes, it's like that. Gird your loins:

Oh, Spock, WHY?!

TeeVee
* I love Torchwood, and I have so many questions about this image from the "Children of Earth" miniseries:

[Found at i09]
- Why is Gwen wearing such an ill-fitting leather jacket?
- Why is nobody looking at anybody else? Did someone fart, and they're all desperately trying not to laugh? Was there an uncomfortable sexual moment seconds before this photo was snapped?
- Why is Ianto's gun so much bigger than anyone else's?
- Why does Ianto look so damn sad? Really, that is a surly little fellow. And if I had gotten the sexings from Captain Jack Harkness, I would never do anything but grin. Does Ianto need a hug?
- Why does Captain Jack continue to prove my theory that guys named Captain Jack are invariably sexy rogues?
It's too early for such questions.

Random
* Is CNN's slogan really, 'Let's go?' ARE YOU SERIOUS? That's the BEST your marketing gurus could come up with? Really? I miss MSNBC. At least then I could count on Pat Buchanan to scream at someone until they gave him a mug of cocoa and a nap.

Journalism
* I use the term 'journalism' loosely when it comes to Bill O'Reilly, but this blog needs to salute Joan Walsh, who made O'Reilly go crazy and lose his shit while she casually pwned him with her rational thought and common sense. Watch the video and laugh at the sad little man. Remember when he sexually harassed that woman? That has nothing to do with anything, but I like to remind people that O'Reilly has NO moral compass. Or if he does, it always points to BATSHIT.

Wow - New Category!
* This category will cover things that amaze/astonish, and in a good way:

[Found at Gawker]
That is the new Sear's Tower observation deck, and I can't decide if I want to live there forever or stay the hell away, because I do have a rational fear of plummeting to my hideous death. But Gawker mentioned Chris Van Allsburg, and that always makes me happy (and if you don't know who he is, I hate you, and you'd better goddamn click here to find out), and I feel like if I went there inspiration for a great book would come right before abject, pants-wetting fear.

Geek Want
* Let me make myself very, very clear here:

[Found at BoingBoing]
If you can make one of these functional, and can find an old copy of Street Fighter, I will marry you. Note: LV reserves the right to not marry you if she doesn't feel like it.

Politics
* Right wing nutjobs (not to be confused with Republicans or conservatives - I am talking about the people who believe Jesus rode the dinosaurs to Freedom before sending them all to hell, and will try to convince you of this with his AK-47) are going to kill us all with their violence and nuttiness. I'd like to say that I'm against killing in general. Except of zombies, because they're already dead. It's one thing to disagree with someone else, or hate the way they live their life. That's FINE. That's your right. However, when you decide to start SHOOTING people who disagree with you, then maybe you need to reexamine your debating skills.

Movie!Fail - Newish Category
* I'm dividing up movies, because I like talking about them. Anyway, once again we will be denied the genius of Terry Gilliam, because we don't deserve it, but mostly because studio executives are assholes who would rather spend money on Saw XIX than a potentially brilliant science fiction film. We get what we deserve. BUT I DESERVE THIS MOVIE, DAMMIT. So let's all send Terry Gilliam money, because he's Terry Gilliam and he made Brazil and Twelve Monkeys and I love him, and I even liked The Brothers Grimm, in large part because it was Terry Gilliam with Matt Damon and Heath Ledger, and it was the first Gilliam movie I ever saw in theaters, and god dammit, the man should get Michael Bay's budget from now on, because Terry Gilliam may frighten and disturb me, but such is the cost of genius.

Harry Potter
* Who wants Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince merchandise? If your answer was not I DO I DO and screaming and tearing of the hair, then don't click this link. And why is an audio book of Alan Rickman coldly mocking everything I say NOT one of the prizes? Probably because it only exists in my mind, but wouldn't you pay for that? I would. It's all about Snape. Don't kid yourself. I wouldn't give a shit about this series (probably) were it not for that complex and incredibly sad character. TEAM SNAPE. I want all this stuff.

WTF, INTERNET?
* Did I ever tell you guys the story about how I got kicked out of CCD (the after-school program where you learn about stuff so you can get communion and confirmation within the Catholic Church) because I refused to give up my Ouija board when I was a young lass? Because I knew it was nothing more than a funny, stupid game, and I found it insane that anyone would take it seriously? Well, if it had looked like this, I don't think I would have had a problem:

[Found at Jezebel]
If I die (ever) and become a ghost, and some little bitch tries to get in touch with my with that Pepto-Bismol colored, sexist piece of crap to ask me if the love of her life this week is going to text her, I will haunt the SHIT out of her. Only dark spirits can come from such a thing. And, seriously, WTF? Why does it have to be pink? Do mine girly eyes on see the more delicate shades? The ones I used in middle school were white, and I saw them JUST FINE. You buy this for a little girl, you're going to wake up with hunks of it jammed down your throat. By the girl, or the evil spirits. It's a toss-up.

Daily Hot Guy

[Christopher Eccleston with the TARDIS, and he's STILL my favorite Doctor, OK?! He was taken from us far too soon, and his eyes are AMAZING and he's sad and sexy, and why can't he appear on a special, DAMMIT?]

Movie!Win - Newish Category
* Look, I like categories. And FOCUS: There might be a Goonies 2, maybe, although I'm still more interested in Lost Boys 3, and YES I love Corey Feldman, always have, and no that does not negatively affect my life, you're all just jealous. Of something. What? I'm sorry, someone switched out my coffee to something with extra espresso. The air is loud in here. GOONIES 2.

Animals
* Can birds fart? Yes. Yes they can. Dinosaurs could burp and fart too. I learned that from Nickelodeon Magazine, before the recession killed it.

More later, most likely. I know I write that almost every morning, but I'm on a surprise vacation. Be grateful. By the way, this blog must soon celebrate the birth of the late Hunter Stockton Thompson. How should we do that? My friend suggested a third tattoo, but those are expensive and I STILL can't decide on a nice image, but we have to honor him SOME WAY. He's A GOD, PEOPLE. Or I could get drunk and shoot of fireworks. In a bikini. He'd appreciate that, yeah?
- LV

moreless

Hey What Kinda Party Is This? There's No Booze & Only 1 Hooker.

Blog
* Title is from Futurama. Everyone knows you need at least three hookers at your child's birthday party. Ask about balloon tricks.

Politics
* Here's your daily dose of, 'Holy shit - people are awful.' The head of a school sent Emails like this:

A mock news release from the Detroit Police Department that claims the department will replace German shepherd police dogs with “coon dogs, due to the fact the city is not having any problems with Germans.”

In conclusion, if you want to be a racist shit, maybe CHECK who you're sending your Emails to. Just a suggestion.

* Sarah Palin wants to run against Obama. Like, literally run. With her feet. A jogging match. She says she'd beat him. This is a news piece. And I am posting it, thus giving this crazy lady even more attention. I am part of the problem, now. And seriously, Sarah Palin, STOP TALKING. And you people: STOP ENCOURAGING HER.

* A former ex-mayor from Georgia was arrested for wandering around drunk and naked, and then denying his nudity and walking around, and told police that he was terribly important, naked or not. I love politics.

WTF, INTERNET?
* These are earphones:

[Found at NerdApproved]
I feel the same way about them as I do about cocaine. You just shouldn't stick certain things in any orifice. And why a wiener dog? Wouldn't it be funnier to have arrow headphones? So it looked like someone shot you through the head with a tiny, tiny arrow? Why aren't you guys laughing?

Zombies
* Even though I don't like it, I have to endorse this tattoo, because its message is profound and eternal:

[Found at LOLTATZ]
There's nothing funny about this. You don't destroy the brain, you are SCREWED. Are you taking notes?

Animals
* Click on this link to see apes laugh when tickled. There was a tickle study. On apes. I can't decide if that's the greatest thing ever, or a criminal misuse of scientific time and funds. But the apes, they LAUGH.

Movies
* Michael Bay must have gotten up one morning and thought, 'How do I make blogger ElleVee despise me and everything I stand for?' Because I DIDN'T. I thought he was untalented and loved explosions, but sort of funny, and he made enjoyable popcorn movies. My little brother likes them, at least. And now James Frey, author of A Million Little Pieces (WHICH I LIKED AND WILL DEFEND) has written some science fiction script, and Michael Bay is going to shit all over it, because that is what he does. TRANSFORMERS 2 CAUSES EYE-BLEEDS. I need to see another movie to get over this, for real.

Girly Shit
* I need this dress. Desperately. Life will not continue for ANYONE unless I have this dress in my life:

[Found at IHeartThat]
True, I have nowhere to wear such a dress, and I cannot afford it by ANY stretch of the imagination, but none of that matters. Give me $1,590. FOR AMERICA. AND DEMOCRACY. Man, I need a sugar daddy. Russell Brand, call me! Plus, then I'd have many places to wear this dress, and I'm somewhat entertaining, yes? Think about it!

Music
* Here are cute and adorable little children singing, 'Just Dance' by Lady Gaga:

Smile in your souls. It's hump day.

Technology
* The International Society of Supervillains tolerates Twitter, but not if you continue to SHAME yourselves and the rest of your silly little species. Here are examples of people abusing the privilege of Twitter, not that I have ever done ANY of these things, EVER. Stop smirking like that.

Watchmen
* If you don't vote for Watchmen in every category every day, Nite Owl will come and beat the shit out of you. Then the Comedian will rape the shit out of you. Then Rorschach will break all your fingers, eat all your food, and lock you in your refrigerator. Then Silk Spectre will kick you with those awesome boots. Then Ozymandias will throw bullets at you. Then, finally, Doctor Manhattan will make you all explodey. So go VOTE. Oh, but if Watchmen isn't nominated in a certain category, feel free to vote for whoever you want, so long as I like them.

Daily Hot Guy

[Bruno, leaving me frightened, confused, and strangely aroused]

Tattoo Of Win

[Found at LOLTATZ]

Food
* Obama is a terrible president, because of the restaurant he chose to eat in that time he went to New York City with his wife. AIRTIGHT LOGIC? Um, no. The opposite, in fact. Unless he went to Chipotle. I hate that place. Their salads make my organs bleed fire.

Comics
* I like webcomics. Ergo, all comics can go online. Because me and Marc Ellerby said so. WHAT? It's Wednesday, and I overslept, and the coverage of Michael Jackson has gone from sad to creepy and borderline stalking and Sarah Palin is talking AGAIN. It's a rough morning, OK?

Words Of Win

see more Fail Blog

YouTube Wonders
* See, you distract the vampire with the tasty drink shown below, then you knock out the vampire, tie it down securely, and make it your sex slave keep it from hurting innocent people. Don't look at me like that. I've been watching a lot of True Blood. What, like YOU would stake Eric Northman or Bill Compton if they strolled into your neighborhood bar? Don't lie like that. It sickens me.


Books
* This book written by Dave Eggers is inspired by Maurice Sendak's Where the Wild Things are and partly based on the script co-written by Spike Jonze. Cool. This movie had better be as awesome as I need it to be. Have you seen the posters? The posters make up from Transformers 2. They are THAT GOOD.

More later, possibly. I am a busy girl. I have writing galore, because I proclaimed I would finish the rough draft of my Epic Vampire Novel of Dubious Quality, but I wrote nothing yesterday because I was tired and The Daily Show was really funny. I am a terrible, terrible person. Hump Day is hard. AHAHAHA... eh..... no.
- LV

moreless