Random Notes

* I am seriously considering getting a tattoo. Then again, I also went through a phase where I was considering being a lawyer, so this may come to nothing. But I really want one.

* Of all my weird, embarrassing, or just plain inexplicable crushes (Hunter S. Thompson, Quentin Tarantino, & Ron Perlman, to name a few), the weirdest (and oldest) has once again reared its ugly head: Corey Feldman. Yes, that Corey Feldman. Yes. That one. We all know who I'm talking about. The eighties child star from The Goonies, Lost Boys, and Stand By Me. Well, I saw Lost Boys: The Tribe, and he was in it. And the Crush came back in a big, big way. Yes, he's very weird and creepy. But I love him, and have had Lost Boys 1 and 2 on repeat for like, the past few days, trying to exorcise this desire. It' ain't working.

But be honest: who doesn't love Edgar Frog? WHO?!

* I have nothing to say. I miss my friends who are out of state.

* Nobody answers my E-Mails.

* I'd say something angsty now, and then I'd quote (since we've established I'm hopelessly lame) that line from the Buffy musical episode that gets me every time, "These endless days are finally ending in a blaze," but that would be too much, even for me.

* I need to stop biting my nails.
- LV

PS It's FELDMAN, not HAIM. Not THAT Corey. Just need you all to know that. Haim is beyond even me. Plus, he's no Edgar Frog.

moreless

To Make Up For My Earlier Madness...

I have accepted my role in life, and recovered some modicum of sanity. Or enough to post on the internet without hysteria.

Websites I Read All The Time
* Ctrl+Alt+Del - Still my favoritest webcomic, and it's getting better again, after being well-written but making me very sad all the time. Back to the humor!

* Holy Moly's The Corner - Consistently entertaining while simultaneously satisfying my near-pathological need for all things English. The Corner is especially hilarious, as is The Rules Of Modern Life.

* Go Fug Yourself - Where I satisfy my not-so-secret celebrity fashion obsession, in particular bad fashion. Also, the writing is kind of brilliant. I want Heather & Jessica to be my best friends, and explain the ways of the world, and maybe take me shopping.

* The Soundtrack INFO Project - Have you ever wondered what song was playing at the key moment in season five of Charmed? I haven't, but I have used this website to find every single song played in Wanted. Because Wanted rocked out loud, and if you don't agree with that, you make me sad. Very sad. Anyway, this website has every song from pretty much every movie/TV show you can think of. Whoever does this is awesome.

* Cracked - You explained why Roseanne Barr is the craziest person on the internet, secret Scientologists, and more movie lists than I could ever dream of. I love you. Will you marry me, and make me the luckiest gal on Earth?

* Yes But No But Yes - Another blog I wish I had thought up first. Damn all the smart people. I should eats your brains. Eats them all and absorb your powers!

* eLuxury - Where I pretend to be a wealthy baroness with oodles of cash to spare named Baroness Delilah Holmes-Thompson Van Snickerdoodle McSkippy who spends all day shopping while being fed caramel drops by Edward Norton and having Hugh Laurie brush her hair... Look, I haven't had a cigarette in fifteen hours. My brain is crawling out my ear in an attempt to get near some nicotine Leave me alone.

OK, maybe this was a premature return to the internet.
- LV

moreless

Learning Is Fun

A brief search of Wikipedia, which is on the internet, and therefore always right, informs me that while there are words for killing your mother (matricide), your father (patricide), brother (fratricide), sister (sororicide), husband (mariticide), wife (uxoricide, which I hope will one day be the name of a band, or edgy art film), aunt , uncle (avunculicide, which is a word that really should be used more often), offspring (filicide), and of course self (suicide), there is no term I could find for someone killing a grandparent.

Interesting. That's all I'm saying.

Actually, there are lots of nifty words about killing. This may be morbid, but I just love that language can be so wonderfully specific as to have, for example, a word that's definition is "the killing of your older, geriatric relatives for being close-minded, manipulative control freaks who seem to think you're still an infant who needs accompaniment to the toilet and yell at you and your younger brother constantly, and nothing you do is right, but if you can just get on tape some of the insane bullshit she spouts, you could probably get by on an insanity plea, and the jury might give you a cookie for your pain."

OK, not that specific. And no, I will not commit a murder of any sort, because I am a wuss, and don't want anyone dead so much as to go away and leave me alone and stop screaming at me.

Here are a few cool words about killing:
* Vulpicide: The killing of a fox by means other than hunting with hounds. (Why is this word needed? How AWESOME is it that this word exists?!)
* Vaticide: The killing of a prophet. (Probably by throwing them into big vats of boiling green acid, like the Joker. And wouldn't a great headline be: Vaticide at the Vatican?)
* Tomecide: The killing of books (That's just sick.)
* Lampricide: a substance that kills lampreys (parasitic fish). (Actually mildly disappointing, as for one brief shining moment I was absolutely certain someone out that had invented a word about killing lamps, and somehow managed to make it part of the accepted vernacular.)
* Tyrannicide: The killing of tyrants. (Another misnomer, and DON'T tell me you didn't think for one second it was about dinosaur murders. Don't lie to me like that.)

Further research uncovers this little word:
Senicide: Putting of the elderly to death. Not quite what I was going for. Forget it. The jail time would make me stressed out and cranky, and they probably wouldn't let me bring my laptop. Plus, I usually like my grandparents. They're entertaining, in that insane-old-person way, and they make amazing food like homemade pasta and this meat sauce that can cause orgasms. It's just that they've been given power, and it's corrupting them. In the way I kind of believe that Alexander the Great and Napoleon were probably decent guys until everyone started fawning over them, and they realized they could kill and conquer without anyone yelling at them.

So instead of any actions that could result in jail time and a made-for-TV-movie titled, Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead, Because Our Grandparents Were Babysitting Us, And This Qualifies As Homicide, And Anyway Mom Might Be Disturbed That Her Daughter Offed Her Parents In A Fit Of Justified But Still Illegal Rage, I will settle for making a list of what I've had to deal with since my parents went AWOL in California oh, six hours ago:
* Being screamed at because I have never watched Army Wives, meaning I don't really understand the war, and am not a patriot.
* Being lectured because my brother wasn't hungry, and didn't want to eat breakfast. How this was my fault is beyond me.
* Being told I'm not very smart because, while I agree my brother is often insane, usually annoying, and occasionally evil, I do not agree with my grandmother's statement that he is a sick, demented creature who will bite the heads off puppies the moment I give him the chance.
* Having to deal with my grandmother telling me, at least seven times since she came here yesterday, that I am far too thin and must be dying or have a crippling eating disorder. This would be less upsetting if she hadn't spent the years I was much heavier calling me fat and taking food away from me.
* Getting told, in minute detail, all the reasons I'm single. Again. Twice this morning. With more to come.
* My grandparents threatening to leave three times so far, because my brother cursed, refused to eat breakfast, and couldn't find his bathing suit. Made worse because I'd love for them to get the fuck out and leave me alone.

And let me just say, I am deeply offended that at twenty-two years of age, and living on my own in New York for four years, my parents don't think I am capable of taking care of a dog and a ten year old kid, who's going to be in school most of the time, for one fucking week. I know shiny objects distract me, and I get way too excited about Doctor Who trivia, and can spend hours staring lustfully at the sheer erotic glory of Edward Norton, but come on. Nobody would DIE under my care. Probably.

I need coffee. And to sneak off for a cigarette. Add into all this a crippling stomachache.

Life is good!
- LV

moreless

Strange Rumblings In The Desert

Notes

* Last night's House was very upsetting, for me. Plus it made my mom cry. Never a good thing. I think it says something about my mental state when, watching the episode, I completely agree with everything House does. Including almost killing a patient to prove his friendship to Wilson. Hey, at least you don't doubt his conviction. Friends consider this very unhealthy, and pray I am never put in a position of power over another human life.

* Still writing my book (actually, typing it up). I'm starting to think it really, really sucks. This could be paranoia, or it could be common sense.

* Figs and prosciutto is the best lunch ever.

* When someone is in the midst of a separation that will probably end in divorce, and they tearfully ask you if you think they'll make it, these are the wrong things to say:
- Your husband is hot. Can I have his number?
- Hahahahahaha. Are you serious?! I'm surprised it lasted this long!
- Not unless you stop talking in that shrill, whiny voice.
- No. No I don't.
(I said none of these things. What I said was, "Uh, I don't know," which resulted in a fresh burst of tears, leading me to believe that I might as well have picked one of the other options.)

* September is my favorite month in the Northeast. It's brisk, not cold, and the sun is shining golden on the leaves as they darken and turn brown, red, orange, and the air smells clean, and it's warm if you lay in the sun, and when it does rain it's always soft, mellow rain, and makes you want to curl up with a good horror novel and a hot cup of tea, and watch the skies open up. Today it's warm, and the sky is a clear blue with tufts of soft, innocent-looking clouds, and the grass is remarkably green, and if you find a nice place in the sun, you can curl up and take a nap and have only pleasant dreams.

Unfortunately, I'm working, so I really hope someone else is enjoying the weather and taking a nap on the warm, soft grass, letting the breeze tickle their face. Because I'm inside looking for places to sell my writing.

* I finished my article, which is a yay. But I can't reach the two people I need to interview to finish said article, which is a big boo. Even though I've been there, and really love it, Pittsburgh is rapidly becoming my Lost World: the place where you lose all contact with people, where you wonder if they ever even existed, or if it was all a really vivid daydream. The first time I went to Pittsburgh, Kurt Vonnegut died while I was sitting in the airport. The second time, George Carlin died the day I was leaving. Do you think the universe is trying to tell me something, or do I feel a sudden desire to travel there because my animal instincts tell me someone awesome is going to kick the bucket? Riddle me this.

* Holy Moly! is the funniest website ever (this week). My amazing uncle introduced me to it. Read "The Corner," & "The Rules" - I stayed up mortifyingly late last night, reading them and snickering helplessly, while my sleepy dog eyed me, grumpy I'd woken him up.

* The power cord to my computer just turned off. For no reason. My computer is no longer charging. It's just... the battery is draining. And not stopping. This could become a serious, serious problem.

* I think that The Sims and The Sims 2 are the reasons why we do not yet have flying cars, world peace, or an earlier release date for the Watchmen movie. How many hours, days, lives have been lost playing this game? How many works of art have rotted and turned to dust, waiting for their creators to lose interest in the tiny, computerized world they've created? And meanwhile, the creators, their energy and imagination devoted solely to the society they've been working on, triumphantly cries out, "Look! My Sims have GREAT-grandchildren now! I can make the cousins marry each other! Let's see if I can master the ancient art of Sim Incest! Simcest, I'll call it (patent pending)! Brilliant!"

This has nothing to do with me, of course, or the decreasing number of hours I spend asleep. Nothing at all, and frankly I resent the implications.

* David Foster Wallace hung himself. I'm going to reread Infinite Jest. That's really all I can do.

* You think there's any way we could somehow replace Sarah Palin with Tina Fey, secret-like, so that in case McCain DOES win the election, she can do secret good from inside enemy lines? She'd be like Jason Bourne, or a ninja! Tina Fey is pretty much a ninja all the time, but she'd be a real ninja! And then, maybe, one day she'd be president! Tina Fey as President would make me very happy. You know what? Whenever I see Sarah Palin from now on, I'm going to pretend she's Tina Fey doing another skit. Then I will be happy, instead of depressed, worried, and a little nauseous.

This election is giving me heartburn. If I thought more people read this, I'd actually post a real political entry. But nobody does, so I'll settle for snarkiness instead of real, intellectual analysis.

OK. I really need to deal with this power cord dilemma, and work.
- LV

moreless

Stupid Technology

Why does the internet ONLY crash when I have work windows open that took me quite a while to research, while I'm actually working on an article? HOW DOES IT KNOW?

Also on my list of people who need a good hard kick in the crotch with a steel-pointed boot, or at least to have their neither regions set on fire:
* Those who fail to return my phone calls, because I need them to so I can write.

* Those who fail to return my E-Mails, even though I have such trouble writing them myself.

* Those who fail to pick up the phone when I call, because I didn't have an answering machine message planned out.

* Answering machines, for making me sound like a total moron incapable of structuring simple sentences.

* Google (I understand that Google is not a person, and would be amenable to substituting a high-powered member of the Google team, or perhaps a mascot dressed up as Google.)

* Whoever is doing construction outside while I'm trying to write, and feels the need to shout obscenities at anyone walking by.

* My mother for believing that writing doesn't count as 'real work' and asking me to run fucking errands for her every five minutes, and generally being a miserable, whiny wench. I love my mother, but seriously.

* Sarah Palin, for a plethora of reasons, the most obvious being that she exists at all. Although she also deserves the blame for my mother screaming like a cat on crack whenever she comes on the television.

* Myself, for compulsively editing the article I'm working on because I can't get the tone right, which is ridiculous as I am not writing a hard-hitting expose on Enron, but a pleasant and enjoyable article about a charity. Yet I have an insane urge to call people up and demand the fucking money, Lebowski.

* The Big Lebowski, for being on TV every night this week and filling me with the false hope that, perhaps, today will be kooky and entertaining, and filled with delightful and colorful characters, and that Sam Elliot will narrate my life with his mellow Southern twang.

* Safari, for crashing, and asking if I want to report it. No, I do not want to report your sudden closing. I want you to stop fucking closing, and let me do my work, and get on with my fucking life. This is a curse-heavy post. Shield your children's eyes.

* Indian food, because I am not eating any, and I have been craving it all week. Ditto good sushi.

* Everyone who reads my blog and doesn't post comments.

* Everyone who doesn't read my blog, because the numbers are down this month and I've actually been updating frequently, and I don't know how to get more people to read it.

* Kellog's. For those Pop-Tart commercials.

* Whoever made that popcorn video I posted, because it isn't true, and that made me sad, even if on the plus side my brain will no longer be slow-roasted to perfection whenever I get a phone call.

* Jennifer Anniston. She knows what she did.

OK, that served no purpose and didn't even make me feel any better, but I cleared out my skull and can now get back to work.
- LV

moreless

These Really Disturb Me

This is my long-planned hate-post against the Poptart commercials.

This one features two happy pop-tarts enjoying their day, who are BURNED ALIVE.


This commercial is about a brave pop-tart who cleverly escapes death by toaster, only to be stuck upside-down, freezing in a fridge to wait with his fellow pop-tarts for their inevitable demise. And that smug little ice-pop; what, you don't think this will happen to you too?! If you listen, at the end of the commercial you can hear the pop-tarts screaming.


In this one, a foreign pop-tart is tackled on the streets by a psychotic person. Is the dog smoking a cigarette at the end?


In this one, the terrified pop-tart cowers before a fire-breathing dragon. It's SCARED.


This one is really sick. The little pop-tart is performing for his pop-tart friends. Some kids sneak onto the set, and peck him to death BEFORE THE AUDIENCE. THEY WATCH THEIR SCREAMING FRIEND GET EATEN ALIVE!


In this one, the pop-tart, mad with fear, hides in a fridge, and speaks with the man who will murder him, shaking with fear. Cold, cold fear.


And my favorite. One pop-tart mourns the death (by eating) of his love. Wracked with grief, he expresses his pain through the majesty of song. And some smug, soulless little bastard of a kid smugly replies, "She WAS hot."


It's not cannibalism, because we are clearly not Pop-Tarts. But according to these commercials, these are sentient beings capable of falling in love, mourning the loss of friends and family, and creating a complex society not unlike our own. So when does it get funny when another species, albeit our own, comes in and eats them as they scream and cry and beg for mercy? Should we encourage our children to feast on the flesh of a creature who is pleading with us to spare them?

I know I'm totally overanalyzing this, but come on - am I really the only person who finds these commercials sick and wrong?

Now when I see Pop-Tarts in the grocery store, I shudder, knowing the thin line between me and utter depravity.

This useless post brought to you by ElleVee, to letters not found in Pop-Tarts.
- LV

PS You totally can't tell from the rest of this post, but I am extremely upset at the moment, and actually kind of loathe my parents. I am a sneaky monkey.

moreless

I Wonder What It Tastes Like...

A video my wonderful aunt Tee sent me, determined to ruin both cell phones and popcorn for me for at least a month.

Pop Corn téléphone portable micro-ondes
Uploaded by sassiere

Busy busy busy. Will update later, maybe.

moreless